Not sure what to say/do regarding friend's miscarriage

[diam124]

Someone very close to me just told me that she suffered a miscarriage 8 months ago (her due date just passed, so she felt it was a good time to confide). She and her DH hadn't told anyone for various reasons. Should I do something to acknowledge her loss other than just offering her an ear? Would a card be tacky? Since the loss itself isn't recent, is it kind of strange to do something? It seems like she has dealt with it quite well, and just has been emotional lately because her due date just passed.

[EmilyBronte]

I would think you could do something together that you may already do - go to dinner, a movie, shopping, etc. By offering a block of time for just the two of you, you are also silently offering a friendly ear. If she decides to talk about it, you can listen and be sympathetic. If not, then she will at least appreciate an afternoon with her close friend.

[Nigellas]

Personally, I'm a very private person so I felt uncomfortable when people would come to me in person and be like "I'm so sorry, is there anything I can do?" Don't get me wrong- I very much appreciated them thinking of me - it was way better than those who just ignored that it happened (grr!) but for me, I really liked getting thoughtful cards or notes. I was able to appreciate the nice thing that they were doing without the pressure of being "on" like I would in person. KWIM? ”

But, again- I’m a private person- I can see how it would be completely opposite if your friend is more of the talky type.

I think that in this case saying (or writing) something like “I recently heard about your loss – I know it was a while ago, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am and that I’m here if you would like to talk” would be appropriate and appreciated.

ETA: I'm a dunce- I just reread your post and realized SHE told you- not someone else. Sorry. In that case, it sound like she might be willing to talk about it - and you could just offer an ear.

[papergirl]

I had a m/c and tend to be a private person with my emotions so I would feel out of place if someone verbally told me they were here for me, though I realize it's a kind gesture. However, I would really appreciate a card saying something along the lines of what Nigellas wrote "I'm sorry for your loss. If you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to call me. I am always hear from you..." Maybe even offer to go out and do something but leave it up to her to contact you.

I think it's sweet of you to want to do something.

[diam124]

We don't live near each other, so I just sent her an email last night to let her know I'm thinking about her and that I'm so sad she had to go through this. It's hard because she's been dealing with it for 9 months now, so I don't want to "set her back" by harping on her loss but at the same time I don't want to ignore it. I know everyone views early pregnancy different but she said they feel very strongly that they lost a baby, not just an embryo. I think from this point forward I'll just follow her cues as to whether she wants to talk about it.

I've learned so much from the FP threads on these boards about miscarriages and what not to say (like you can try again, I'm sure you'll get pregnant again soon etc., etc.). Not that I would have said those things anyway.

I've seen and heard so many women on these boards go through miscarriages, but I never really knew how painful it is to have someone close to you go through it.

[JennH]

It is one of the most horrible experiences you can go through. What is nice is knowing people care. What hurt me the most was my MIL not saying anything. I'm sure she didn't know what to say, but the silence was loud. I had people say things in person, which was really, really hard, but still appreciated.

I had two people send me flowers and got a few cards. They allowed me to know someone cared and to cry alone, which was more of what I needed. To have the "in person" pressure was really hard. I felt like I had to mask my pain, even though they asked how I was doing, so I didn't make them feel bad.

Just knowing you care will help her.

[KaliLily]

One of my closest friends had two miscarriages a few years ago. The first one was naturally hard for her, but the second was devastating. I felt so bad for her and needed to do something, so I sent her and her husband flowers with a card telling them I was so sorry for their loss.

At lot of people in her life would say, "Don't worry, you'll have others" or "It wasn't meant to be" which really upset her. I just let her talk/vent about her fears, her doctor, her family - anything that was troubling her. She needed a friendly, sympathetic shoulder to lean on, not "words of wisdom."

[JennH]

One of my closest friends had two miscarriages a few years ago. The first one was naturally hard for her, but the second was devastating. I felt so bad for her and needed to do something, so I sent her and her husband flowers with a card telling them I was so sorry for their loss.

At lot of people in her life would say, "Don't worry, you'll have others" or "It wasn't meant to be" which really upset her. I just let her talk/vent about her fears, her doctor, her family - anything that was troubling her. She needed a friendly, sympathetic shoulder to lean on, not "words of wisdom."

You make a good point. Many people thought they were helping me by telling me "At least you know you can get pregnant," "You can try again," "It will happen," and my all time favorite, "This happens to a lot of women." It's all true, but none of it helps.

[KaliLily]

Many people thought they were helping me by telling me "At least you know you can get pregnant,"

This one bothered my friend the most because her fear wasn't getting pregnant again, but carrying the baby to term. After the 2nd miscarriage, her doctor was not optimistic. However, she carried her third pregnancy to full term and gave birth to a healthy baby boy last November. He's absolutely beautiful! :D

[JennH]

This one bothered my friend the most because her fear wasn't getting pregnant again, but carrying the baby to term. After the 2nd miscarriage, her doctor was not optimistic. However, she carried her third pregnancy to full term and gave birth to a healthy baby boy last November. He's absolutely beautiful! :D

Yep, and in my head I thought, "I know I can get pregnant, but not if I will continually lose my babies." Good to know the good news for your friend!!

[Marie]

I think a nice "thinking of you" card would be appropriate. The due date brings up a lot of emotions and most people expect you to "be over it" 8 months after the fact but they don't realize that when that due date hits it all comes back.

You sound like a good friend.