Supporting a friend who's marriage is on the rocks.

[BethIrish]

One of my best friends just confided that things are not looking good for her and her husband. They've been in counseling and things are not going well. I love her and her husband dearly - in fact, my DH and I met at their wedding. (He was friends with C in college, I was friends with J.) I'm heartbroken for her right now.

What is the best way that I can be supportive of her right now? I love them both so much and I want their marriage to work. I feel completely helpless right now :( I'm meeting J for dinner tomorrow night....what else can I do?

eta: I will be supportive of whatever it is J and C want for their marriage, I just know that she wants it to work...and therefore I want it to work so that she's happy? kwim?

[Alicia]

the best thing in the world you can do for her is to be a shoulder to cry on and be there to listen. don't pretend you know how she's feeling, just be there for her to talk to. it may be hard, but unless she specifically asks for an opinion from you, try not to give one. other proactive ideas are to get her out (if she wants to) in an environment where she'll be able to forget about things for just a little while (go to a spa and get pampered, go shopping- believe me, it's not called "retail therapy" for nothing! ;). try to avoid movies - unless you're going to a kids movie or an action-thriller that SHE really wants to see.) anyway, i hope that helps. trust me, just being there will mean the world to her right now, that's all you really need to do.

[Elizabeth]

I'm currently going through a divorce and I agree with everything Alicia said. What I really appreciated from my friends and family was just having them listen to me while I complained. They didn't have to say anything. The shopping trips and pampering helped too. Call her periodically just to see how she's doing and offer your support.

What I didn't appreciate was people minimizing what I was going through. If I had a dollar for everytime someone said "at least you don't have kids..." "well he didn't deserve you anyway..." "you're going to do so much better..." Those types of comments don't help. What helps is people mirroring and validating your feelings as well as gently encouraging you that it's going to get better.