I'm Having Breakdown...Please Help!

[BeachGirl]

I don't even know where to start. I used to be on the WC Boards, but I was more of a lurker rather than a poster. I recently found out about this board and I know a lof of old WCs are on here. I have always been able to relate to a lot of the girls on here. Esepcially while planning my wedding.

I guess I just need to get some things off of my chest and I don't know where else to turn. I'm very close with my family, but they're tired of hearing about my problems, and I can't really talk to my husband too much, because he just doesn't really undertsand what I'm going through. I only have a few close girlfriends, but I'm scared to tell them anything because they think I am such a together person and I fear they would look differently at me if they really knew what was going on in my head. I can barely understand it myself, but here it goes.

I have suffered with an anxiety disorder for the past six years. I have been on and off of prozac, but I only seem to suffer from the anxiety while I'm off the medication and a stressful event comes up. I always make the mistake of going off of it when I feel better and I'll be fine for awhile. Then the minute something stressful happens I get major panic attacks and I live in this anxiety hell for weeks at a time until I start the prozac again and it kicks in. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually a very happy fun-loving girl, but I just suffer from anxiety. I have been told by my therapist that this is very common among females my age, so hopefully some of you can relate and not think I am totally crazy.

I started getting panic attacks really badly about 3 weeks ago. I guess it has been building up. I've been married for about 8 months now. I don't get along with my husband's family at all. His parents are the most selfish people I know. I used to be really close with his sister (my SIL) until I saw the real side of her once I entered the family. She is very spoiled and has to have everything her way. I got into a major fight with her over her wedding. First off, let me say that she and her parents caused MAJOR stress during the planning of my wedding. My husband's parents refused to pitch in hardly anything but insisted on inviting tons of guest....more than my side of the family had. My SIL wanted her friends who my husband and I barely even knew to come. She also demanded that we invited her boyfriends parents or else she wouldn't come to the wedding. We had never even met these people and thought it was kind of ridiculous to have them there. Especially since my parents were having to cut down their list to compensate for the amount of people my in-laws were inviting. This led to very hard feelings. His mom felt that I left her out of the wedding planning, but everytime I asked her to meet with a vendor with us she was either too busy or off on one of her weekly vacations with my FIL (they claimed to be poor when it came to pitching in for the wedding, but they have enough money to go on vacation almost every week....go figure). She likes to turn everything around to make me look like the bad one. She even accused us of having a brunch the day after the wedding and not inviting her which is COMPLETELY untrue and unfounded. Then she got upset because she said we did not send her a thank you card like we did to the other guests. We thanked her many times in person and even wrote a special thanks to our parents on the back of the wedding program, but that didn't seem to matter to her. She thought we were rude for not mailing a formal thank you card to her like we did to the other guests. We even bought both of our parents presents and gave thank you speaches to them at the rehersal dinner AND at the wedding. But she always has to remind us how we didn't send them a thank you card!

Anyways, before this gets to long, let me get to the problem at hand. So now my SIL is going to be getting married. Let me also just add how selfish she was as one of my bridesmaids. She did very little if any of the planning for my events I was told by the other girls, and when they all got together to try to come up with ideas for the bach. party and the shower, all she would do is change the subject to talk about herself. Then when I asked her and two of the other girls to come to the bridal store where I bought my gown to learn how to tie the back of the corset, all she did while she was there is look around for dresses for her own wedding. This is even months before she was engaged!!! When I asked her to watch to learn how to tie the dress in case we needed her help on the day of the wedding, she just said that she was going to let the other girls worry about it because she's not good at that stuff. Some friend huh???

Now fast forward to her wedding. She TOLD all of her bridesmaids, not asked but TOLD us that we were to take her to vegas for her bach. party. AND she would ONLY stay in certain hotels in a suite. Of course the hotels she picked were the most expensive. Then she TOLD us that she wanted to fly, not drive because it was faster and she wanted us to take off a Friday so we could go for the whole weekend. She also TOLD us that we were to take her to a spa (and pay for everything) during one of the days. When I added it all up it was giong to be around $500-$600 per person!!!! I thought this was a little outragous for a bachelorette party, and I felt sick to my stomach to spend that much money on someone who had been no help at all and only caused problems during my wedding. I told her that her demands were a little too much, and that it was getting too expensive. She did not like to hear this, and told me that she knew that my husband and I make good money and I could afford to spend that on her if I really wanted to. We got into a heated argument and she ended up kicking me out of the bridal party!!! All because I didn't want to pay that much to go to Vegas for the bachelorette party!!! I was so PISSED! My husband then decided that he wasn't going to be a groomsman without me in the wedding. Let me also add that orginially my husband was not asked to be a groomsman. My SIL first said that there were already too many groomsman and that my husband (her own brother) could not be one because it would be an uneven bridal party! WTF!!!! I've never heard of a sibling not being in a wedding party. Especially since he is so sweet to her and does so much for her. We had to BEG for her to let him in orginially. Then when he changed his mind about being in the party after I was kicked out, his mother started sending him emails about how I am controlling him and I am manipulating him! That is so far fromt he truth. He made his own choice not to be in the wedding, but his mother refuses to believe that. There are so many more things that have happened, but I won't bore you with anymore of the details.

Here is where I am at now. I have been having panic attacks and I know that my irrational thoughts are causing them. I fear that my husband's family is now going to plot against me to try to get him to leave me. He promises me that he would never do that, but I can't get the thought out of my head. I also don't feel very close to any of my girlfriends, so I have been afraid to tell them about my anxiety and these thoughts I have. I fear if he leaves me that I will have no one ane I will go into a major depression. All of my other friends are happily married. I don't feel like any of my girlfriends are true friends. I fear that if I told them all of this was going on inside my head that they would actually be happy to hear that I am suffering. I don't feel that they are geniunely nice people. :( I am fortunate to have very good parents, but these stupid thought of my husband leaving me and me living all alone forever keep creeping into my mind. It's hard for me to even be around him now because it makes me nervous. I know it sounds weird, but I can't get myself to stop believing these thoughts. My heart pounds so hard everyday and I feel like crying, but I can't get the tears out :( I hope someone out there can relate to me. I am so scared and I feel so alone going through this. I have just starting seeing a therapist, but so far I'm not feeing any better. Just wanted to vent and reach out. Hopefully someone out there can relate. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[KristyK]

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Having a dysfunctional family for in-laws is one thing, but doing it while going through the problems you have make it worse. After reading all of this, I want to say that I'm glad you're seeing a therapist, that is exactly what you need. Second, get back on your medication, and don't go off of it again. I don't mean to scold, but if you know that you get this way when you go off of it, then don't!

All I can say to you about his family is that you are never going to be right, you are never going to do or say anything to his family to make things better. Forget about being in the bitchy SIL's wedding, both of you. And, make sure your DH stands his ground about it too. Be guests, then you can have a good time and just enjoy, without the extra costs, and the extra anguish. Why put yourself through all that? It's just not worth it. Also, and I know this is going to be harsh, but you need to distance yourself from his family, for good. And your DH needs to back you up. If he wants to be a part of his family, thats well and good, but you obviously will never do anything right in their eyes, and you need to just end it. Stop making yourself guilty over these people who have no idea what a good person you really are. In my opinion, thats what you need to do.

Anyway, I'm glad you are seeing someone, and hopefully you'll start feeling better about things. And please, let your therapist know about your irrational fears about your DH leaving you. That just doesn't sound right. Your DH loves you, he's told you that, please believe him.

Not sure any of this helped, but wanted to give you *hugs*!

Kristy

[miel]

You said:

I'm very close with my family, but they're tired of hearing about my problems, and I can't really talk to my husband too much, because he just doesn't really undertsand what I'm going through.

If this is true, I am very sad for you! You need support. You need someone to say--hey you fun loving gal I'm here for you no matter how freaked out you are!

That's what people are supposed to do for each other in hard times.

I can understand your issues and I really believe that two things were very helpful for me when I was younger--one was medication. I took a medication called remeron. Another was learning self-hypnosis. Both those things were amazing for me.

I don't have this problem anymore....if you are college age or just post college--then your therapist is right. It is a problem brought on by big changes in my opinion. It is not 'who you are' and it is NOT your fault. In the least! People at the wedding channel can be incredible jerks about personal problems. I hope the scene is better here! :) :) But don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for what is--without any question--a body chemistry issue.

If I ever feel overly stressed I now take homeopathic medicine and some herbal stuff--one thing called CALMS. And I use self-hypnosis...once in a while (it was great for pregnancy/labor!) I did take some meds for a while recently when my life was just insane and I got no sleep. (Lack of sleep aggravates things incredibly...do you have insomnia also? Insomnia is my major problem...then I start having other problems because I do not sleep. So if that is true for you I would immediately get a prescription for sleeping pills. If you can't sleep you can't get back on track.)

I believe these things are caused by our environment--but it is the way humans are built. We are designed to have adrenaline and fear at what we perceive as threatening. Some people--sometimes people who have had a trauma, sometimes not--cannot shut off the chemicals (cortisone, adrenaline, etc.) that we get when we feel threatened or in an insecure situation. This make ordinary problems much worse. Medication is an enormous help for such problems because there is a feedback loop where the hormones increase the anxiety and the anxiety increases the hormones. You need to shut off the tap--medication can help with this. Once you are back on track, you will have the ability to stay calm even when there are triggers for you.

I realize you are surrounded by some yucky people (interesting--other people were partly my problem as well--negative, mind games people ARE scary)...but one thing I would work on is not obsessing about them...There are cognitive behavioral techniques you can use to avoid thinking constantly about the future scenarios you fear. These things are so unlikely but your mind goes back to them out of habit. That is a habit you can break.

You have nothing to fear from these people except their effect on you. Break their effect, they can do nothing to you.

So you might consider trying those things--as I did.

[camberne]

My best advice is to talk, talk, talk to your husband and don't stop the lines of communication with him. If you and your husband have a good relationship, a close relationship, an open relationship and an honest relationship, there is no reason to worry about a "plot" by his family to break you up.

Every family has their dramas. Given that your husband has opted out of the wedding party himself attests to the fact that he agrees that his sister was being unreasonable. Believe in yourself and believe in your relationship with your husband.

[DiscoDiva]

First, stay on your meds. If you do decide to get off them one day, do it under the supervision of your doctor.

Second, continue seeing your therapist. Just having someone listen and validate your feelings will help.

Third, remember my favorite Dr. Phil-ism: You can't change other people's behavior; you can only change how you react to it. You are out of the wedding, which is better for you in the long run. Your DH stepped out of the wedding as well by his own choice, so let that be. People will always say negative things, so you have to learn to not react in the way they are hoping. You now know that his family is manipulative and his sister is demanding, so remember that when dealing with them in the future.

Fourth, weird and scary thoughts are part of anxiety disorder. Talk them outloud then talk through all the consequences. It will allow your mind to see that there is a resolution to everything and that being worried won't kill you. It will help you to stop the "What if" questions that drive you crazy.

Fifth, keep talking, keep talking, keep talking. It has been shown to be helpful.

[QPDoll]

You have nothing to fear from these people except their effect on you. Break their effect, they can do nothing to you.

I couldn't say it better than Meil - her entire post.
I have also been where you are and am currently back on paxil as of last week. Part of depression and anxiety is the feeling of out of control and seperation from others. A mask of who you are on the outside versus the inside, and I can understand your feelings of emotional isolation from your DH, your family and your friends.

It can feel like defeat to go back on meds, but it will help.

Feel free to PM or email me if you need an ear.

[julietchicago]

I am sorry you are having to go through this right now. I can tell you are very stressed and upset about everything. :(

My advice is to talk to your husband and find a solution together. You are a team now. Unfortunately, when we marry our DH's, we can't choose our IL's.
It's important you feel comfortable discussing this w/ your DH. This is affecting your health and consuming your thoughts! It's not fair to you.

Trust me, your husband loves you, he married you, do not be afraid to talk to him about this. I can understand how you can feel like he is going to leave you because you don't get along with his family, but that is just your emotions talking.

Take charge of what is happening, don't be afraid of his family, it's not fair to live how you are right now. I agree that you should stay on your meds until you know for sure this has been as close to being resolved as it can be... :(

Good luck hon...

[DiscoDiva]

Also remember that even if DH doesn't understand, he can still listen and comfort you. Just tell him what you're feeling, and ask him to do a few simple things such as hug you, promise he'll take care of you, promise you he'll be there with you through all of this etc. It can be an incredible comfort for you, and he'll feel like he can do something to help you.

[BeachGirl]

Hey everyone,

Thanks so much for your kind words and support. Yesterday seemed to be going a little better, but today I feel all panicky again. I started crying at work (so embarassing) but I don't think anyone saw (at least I hope not). I feel like I'm going to feel like this forever. I don't want to live my life in fear of my husband's parents brainwashing him to leave me. I used to be such a confident, strong person. I don't know what happened. Hopefully my meds will kick in soon, but I'm afraid they won't and I'll be like this forever. I don't know how much longer I can feel like this. It's draining me emotionally and physically. :(

[DiscoDiva]

Hey everyone,

Thanks so much for your kind words and support. Yesterday seemed to be going a little better, but today I feel all panicky again. I started crying at work (so embarassing) but I don't think anyone saw (at least I hope not). I feel like I'm going to feel like this forever. I don't want to live my life in fear of my husband's parents brainwashing him to leave me. I used to be such a confident, strong person. I don't know what happened. Hopefully my meds will kick in soon, but I'm afraid they won't and I'll be like this forever. I don't know how much longer I can feel like this. It's draining me emotionally and physically. :(

Hang in there, one day at a time (or one hour at a time, or whatever it takes). You sound like a classic person with an anxiety disorder and once you get it under control (and you WILL), you will be able to look back and see how far you've come.

One thing that is recommended is to keep a journal. Write down all the bad things you are feeling each day, just to get them out. Then, write down all the good things that happened and all the things that got better than the day before. When you are feeling down, you'll be able to read your journal from a week or so ago and see how much progress you've made.

HUGS!!!!!!! :)

[gayle]

I totally agree with Alice...

"My best advice is to talk, talk, talk to your husband and don't stop the lines of communication with him. If you and your husband have a good relationship, a close relationship, an open relationship and an honest relationship, there is no reason to worry about a "plot" by his family to break you up".


As do for the anxiety, I so know how you feel. I have had serious anxiety issues over the years, there was a time when I was literally housebound because my panic attacks were so bad. Thank God I have worked through most of it and now the only time I have anything resembling a panic attack is driving the freeway.

It is really clear that the issues your husbands family is causing are directly related to your panic attacks, and the cure for that is to take back your OWN power.

They are making you feel manipulated and powerless, so when these issues occur with them, instead of taking it, you need to stand up to them.

I am not saying be confrontational, but when they start in, just tell them they are not to treat you that way, and when they do, you will call them on their bad behaviour, in the moment, when it is happening.

If you need meds for panic attacks, then by all means stay on the meds. Don't stop when you feel better. Some of us need anxiety medication. I have been taking anxiety meds fr 10 years, and if I have to take them the rest of my life, that is OK. It's no different than needing meds for high blood pressure or any other medical condition.


Hang in there, it will get better :)

[ejs]

BeachGirl, I'm really sorry you're experiencing all of this. I don't know if I have anything new to add to what people have said.

Please don't go off your meds on your own again. That should only be done under a doctor's supervision. You said in your OP that you stop taking your meds when you feel better, and then you feel worse. So I hope you'll remember that and stay on your medication.

I hope you are able to talk to your husband about everything. He's your husband - he should be your staunchest ally, your shoulder to cry on, your rock. You shouldn't be going through this alone.

People say you need to choose your battles in life. Do you really want to spend the time and energy on all of this with your in-laws?

Please know that we're here to support you.

[miel]

I second that about supporting you. Don't feel bad for feeling bad. You are normal. This is just a rough patch.

[BeachGirl]

You are all so sweet. Thank you for all of your advice and concern. It really means a lot to me to know that there are nice, genuine people out there. I have now been back on my meds for 3 weeks and am just starting to begin feeling slightly better. I'm still having a little anxiety though, because tonight is the rehearsal dinner and tomorrow is the wedding. I really don't want to have to see my ILs. I'm going to feel very uncomfortable, but I am going to make the best of it. Wish me luck.

[DiscoDiva]

I'm saying a prayer for you right now, that you will have a stress free rehearsal and wedding day, and that you will only see the love in your FH/DH's eyes, and that you will have the wedding day you have dreamed of! Just listen carefully to your vows, and use those words to help you remember what the wedding is all about: love.

[BeachGirl]

Thank you Disco Diva, but it is not my wedding, it's my SILs wedding. I've been married for 8 months already! I can't believe it's been that long.

[camberne]

It's not your wedding, but I always hold my husband's hand and squeeze it throughout the ceremony at all the weddings we've attended together. :)

Just remember that your husband loves you, he supported you when his family turned on you (which is no little thing), and he wants to be with you. Have faith in yourself and faith in him. And keep talking with him and keep taking your meds!! :)

[DiscoDiva]

Oops - my bad!

Think of it this way: you are NOT in the bridal party, so you don't have to deal with your SIL's bull. DH is NOT in the bridal party, so he doesn't have to deal with the bull. The rest of DH's family will be focused on the bride and groom, not you, so you can kind of sit back and chill. If you are just overwhelmed by the whole thing, leave. If you do leave, don't feel guilty about it. It's not like it's the end of the world, you aren't starting a nuclear war, you aren't releasing a horrible toxin on the whole country, you're just leaving a wedding early. In the big scheme of things, it's just no big deal.

Go into the day happy and ready to have fun, and brush off their comments. If anyone is rude, walk away. You do have the control over how you react to them, so take it! Walk away and have a good time!

I wish I could go to the wedding with you - we'd have a blast!

[southerner]

If things get unbearable for you this weekend, go take a walk.

Bring a soothing cd and leave it in the car. If you need to "escape" from something, then you can go to the car and listen to it. Or cry where noone can see you. Or whatever it might take too make things more bearable for you.

You can always leave early if it gets to be too much.

Go into the weekend with realistic expectations (i.e. you know his sister is going to milk her day and might be rude, esp. if she's still mad from the fight, your in-laws might not be nice to you, etc.). Maybe you could ease some of the anxiety by having a mental script prepared for how you'd like to handle certain situations.

Think of how you can't wait to come here and update us. Think about what you are going to post.

Put a picture of your wedding day in your purse and if you need to go to a "happy place" at any point this weekend, bust it out!


Hope some of these suggestions are helpful.

[DiscoDiva]

Think of how you can't wait to come here and update us. Think about what you are going to post.
I love that! :D

Also think about what we'd be saying if we were there with you. "It's okay. You'll be fine. You're stressed out and that's okay. You're right - those people are rude!" Think about all of us knowing what you're going through and understand. And if it gets really bad, picture us all sitting there next to you laughing at how rude some people are. :)

[BeachGirl]

Thanks so much for all of your great suggestions everyone. You made me laugh! :) I just realized that I failed to mention in my intial post that DH and I ARE back in the wedding now! :mad: To make a long story short, I could tell that he was having guilty feelings about not being in it. His parents were giving him a HUGE guilt trip, but on the other hand, he felt that if he went back in the wedding without me I'd be really upset. I had a heart to heart talk with him about it and he said that what he really wished for is for things to go back the way they were and have both of us in the wedding and be happy. Unfortunately, this is not a perfect world, so I told him that is not possible at this point after everything that has happened, but that if he wanted to be in the wedding, I would understand and not be upset. Plus, I didn't feel like having his family keep telling everyone that I wouldn't let him be in the wedding and that I control him. That is what they thought. So DH said he would only be in the wedding if I agreed to be in it too. I really didn't want to after being kicked out. I am not one to lose my pride, but I decided to be the bigger person and do it for him. I called my SIL and apologized to her for the things that I felt I did wrong in the fight. I admitted to her that I could have handled things a little better, but I have a bad temper and she set me really pissed me off by just kicking me out of the wedding for what I thought was a very silly reason. I called her some names I shouldn't have, but I told her that when I get mad I do/say things I don't mean. So how does she respond to my apology you might be thinking???? Does she apologize in return for all the wrong stuff she did. OH NO! She goes ahead and tells me that she forgives me for what I did and that she is looking at it from a standpoint that I am going through a very stressful time in my life and it was the stress that made me act that way to her. Then she proceeds to tell me that she really thinks I need to get a therapist (she doesn't know I'm seeing one) so I don't act like that in the future. She said NOTHING about how she over reacted by kicking me out of the wedding or any of the terrible comments she made to me. All the blame was put on me. But I didn't want to make more of an issue of out it. She also told me that she is going through a very rough time herself and that she is very stressed about the wedding and life in general. She is constantly on and off medication and she admitted to me that she is anorexic. She said that right now she is not eating because it's the only things she feels that she has control over. She looks so think and frail right now it's scary. I think her parents blame me for that too. :( They think that I put stress on her and it's my fault she is having problems now. Everything is always my falut according to them. So anyways, she told me that she would like me to be back in the wedding and that she wanted her brother (my DH) in it too. Knowing that my DH would probably regret not being in it and having to hear it from his parents for the rest of his life, I agreed to go back in. So now I am a bridesmaid and all of her other stupid little friends hate me because of terrible things she probably told them about me. It's going to be very uncomfortable to say the least, but I am doing it for my husband. I'm also is a very weak frame of mind right now and I just don't have the mental or physical energy to fight anymore. I hope I made the right decision.

[DiscoDiva]

You can always smile inwardly to yourself, knowing that you are being the bigger person!

[southerner]

at least you're back in AFTER the $600 bachelorette party weekend :D

Also, I thought of something else. Your therapist should be able to find support groups in your community (if it's big enough) that would really be helpful to you, I think. Having people to talk to that are experiencing similar symptoms really normalizes things and makes you realize that are not crazy. Ask your therapist or check with some local resources.

[southerner]

well, how did your weekend go? Hopefully, better than you anticipated!!