Threesomes

[Renrel]

I know that three kids together is often a recipe for disaster. Two play together and one feels left out. I thought is was more of girls issue but DS seems to be starting to have this issue with his best friend at school and a kid in the younger class who will be moving into his class shortly. They may be the only boys in a class of 7-10 kids and they will also be the three oldest boys in the school. DS does not seem to like the younger kid that much and gets upset when his present friend goes off to play with this kid. He says the kid is "mean" but when I ask for details he says that he does not say mean things or hit or anything, he is just mean to him. I think he just "steals" his friend which upset DS.

I don't expect to completely solve this issue, I think it is a normal issue for preschool and grade school socialization and maybe beyond, but I would like to minimize the hurt DS experiences and use the situation to help DS learn ways to deal with similiar situations in the future. The problem is at the moment I have no advice to offer him other than to try to play together with both boys.

Any suggestions would be appreciated, including books, movies, ways to talk about the issue, things that worked for you or a friend. I will be talking to his teacher. Both to get her take on it, to find out how she deals with it (and to get advice. I will also be letting DS figure things out himself, in part because I really can't be there to intevenene and partly because I think it is good for him do to so. But I also want to be supportive, which means having ways to help him find his own solutions when he complains to me about the problem, offering some suggestions if I have any and making sure resources are available to him if I can find any.

[Pookie]

We frequently have playdates with 2 other kids at once, w/out a problem. I think it's all very normal. Personally, I would probably just take a "wait and see" approach and see if things blow over on their own.

[jennylou]

Was anyone else thinking this was something entirely different based on the title? :o:p

[petdoc08]

Was anyone else thinking this was something entirely different based on the title? :o:p

OMG! Yes! So glad I was not alone. :o:p

[jajacobsen]

Was anyone else thinking this was something entirely different based on the title? :o:p


OMG I was so glad to see this was about children and not sexual liasons!

When I first saw the thread (without looking to forum) name of "threesomes" I thought - oh, no - here we go again!


I have 3 nephews a little older than the ages you describe. The left out/odd man out bit does/did happen at family functions but they do grow out of it. I think in part it happens at that age becuase the children have trouble focusing/interacting with two playmates simultaneously. Is it always boys playing with boys/girls playing with girls because that might be simething to address with the teacher. It might be possible to break that pattern and have the girls and boys play together some, even if some organized activities have to start such off.

I'm not a parent so I don't have any other advice. Just so glad this subject was "clean."

[Kanga]

When I first saw the thread (without looking to forum) name of "threesomes" I thought - oh, no - here we go again!

Same here! I saw the forum though and thought SURELY they must have accidentally posted it in the wrong forum.

[cr8zyforaf]

I thought - oh, no - here we go again!

My thoughts exactly.

I would take a wait and see approach as I think this is fairly normal. DD is in the 2's room and I notice (which shocked me really) that there are many cliques within the room. I am fairly lucky as 5 of us have been together (through 2 daycares) since the girls (and one boy) were 3 months - so I try to schedule things outside of school to encourage them all to play together.

Unfortunately, my DD is the 'mean' one - there are a few girls that she just doesn't like and I can't get any information out of her other than 'I don't like her..she is not nice'. I know this is not true because one of the girls is the sweetest little thing and it breaks my heart to see DD treat her badly. I do try to discourage it when I see it and we talk about how we need to be nice to everyone....the teacher's tell me this is totally normal.

[allyray231]

My DH usually shys away when my babysitter had their friends over. They have another 3 year old boy and my babysitter had a 3 year old boy -same age as my DS. I never thought much about it. He just lets them do his own thing and he does his.

[DallasLady]

When I first saw the thread (without looking to forum) name of "threesomes" I thought - oh, no - here we go again!

Me too!

[Geranium]

How about making a playdate with just your DC and the new friend? They can spend a little time alone together, get to know each other, then when the three boys play they might all feel more at ease.
My six yr. old nephew had a similar issue with a good friend and he kept describing the third kid as "mean" too. When my brother watched the kids playing he could see that the little boy wasn't doing anything mean, my nephew was just feeling left out. He's kind of a bossy little guy, feels most comfortable in one-on-one situations, and has a hard time in groups where he doesn't call the shots. Anyway, he took my nephew over to the other boy's house for an afternoon and the kids were able to make a connection with that one-on-one type of play.

[Renrel]

Sorry if I scared everyone with the title. I barely have energy for a twosome.;)

thanks for the words of wisdom. I know this is normal stuff I just want to see what I can to make it better for DS.

I spoke to his teacher and she said she is aware of it and that it happens with al l of the kids to some degree. She said the kid that DS best friend goes off with sometimes goes off with a girl he is clicky with and that the best friend then gets upset. She just reminds them that their friends can play with someone else and still like them and then trys to help them find someone else to play with or plays with them herself. She said sometimes DS wants to call the shots and gets upset when his friends won't and go off without him and other times he is all about how they are a team and after to work it out. She thinks it will be better when they are all in a class together. We will see. At the moment DS is not in any way tramatized. He is pissed or upset at the time and has let it go by the time he is home, so it is not a biggy.

Geranium - The playdate idea is good but a bit hard around here. Our preschool is in the city where we all work not near where we live and it is full time, anywhere from 7:30 to 5:30 depending on the child. So while we do occassional playdates they have to be on weekends and require alot of coordination since we have to drive to a different town. I am not saying we won't try a playdate, just that it is hard and my not happen immediately. We only manage 2-4 playdates a year with the best friend.

allyray231 - If DS was okay with it and with playing alone I would not be concerned about the dynamics. He however wants to play with his friend and his hurt to be rejected. There are other times he choses to play alone.

[jerickson100]

My daughter has a book that is admittedly pretty annoying, but it might be helpful. It's a Muppet Book, and it's called "Piggy Isn't Talking" about Piggy's jealousy when Kermit starts hanging out with another friend (Fonzie). Of course, in the end, Piggy tells Kermit how she feels and she learns that Kermit can be friends with both of them. As I said, the book gets on my nerves, but it does help reinforce the message. Here's the amazon link:

http://www.amazon.com/Piggy-Isnt-Talking-About-Communication/dp/B000JENDFG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1214787322&sr=8-1

Good luck!

[huango]

I don't think this will address your subject, but on the flip side, this is what my GF does w/ her twin girls.
When a twin plays w/ a new friend, like my DS, but leaving out her twin sister (who wants to be included), my GF does directly address the 1st twin, reminding her that all three plays together or 1st twin gets a punishment.
Mainly because of the twin thing, she took it to this level because it's not fun being the one left out.

From this experience, I've applied it to my 2 kids.
If the 3rd child wants to be included, all 3 must play together or 1st child gets a punishment. If 3rd child doesn't care to join along, then fine.
But life is too short to be left out.
Amanda