trouble adjusting to daycare

[boox2]

I have a 8 month old DS who has been in daycare 3 days/week for nearly 2 months. His DD has been in the same center since she was 5 months old. The ratios are 1:3 in the infant area with a maximum of 6 babies.

We have until the end of this month for DS to become 'better adjusted' or he will not be allowed to continue due to his crying/fussiness. We were informed this last week. We were aware that he was 'difficult' for some time.

DS drank from a bottle without problem until 3 weeks before starting daycare, then he began refusing it. He currently only drink 1-3 oz at a time, if he does at all while he is in daycare. His caregiver has tried spoon feeding, sippy cups as well as offering the bottle. He does not consistently take one form of feeding when in daycare. He generally takes his solids fine. I drive over to the center for lunch to nurse him.

DS has been fussy since day one of daycare. He also has moderate/severe eczema which is controlled via prescription meds. He cries and/or is fussy the majority of the time when he is with them. His napping was fine, but has deteriorated the past week.

His caregiver is at her wit's end as are we in terms what we can do to help him adjust. His crying is eliciting sympathy crying with the other infants.

At home, he is generally fussy only when tired or itchy. He is usually content to play by himself if I am within sight.

Any insight? Ideas?

TIA!

[itsjustme]

The daycare wants to kick him out?? WTF??

[boilermaker]

As a fellow daycare usng mom, I can see both sides. When daycare teachers are basically having to give one on one care to an infant every single day, it has a negative effect on the other children. So I do think it is a reasonable request. That said, i really feel for the situation you are in. Other than finding one on one care for him, I don't have any advice. Just lots of hugs.

[Lila55]

Just a thought, can you take a couple of days off from work and stay with him at daycare? You could give him a bottle. Maybe he needs a transition period with you at the site.

[merjmo]

Is he going through any major milestones like teething or learning a new skill? That might be impacting the napping.

And this may be a strange sentiment, but is he fussy because he's hungry? If not, does it really matter if he takes his bottles? I mean, they'll generally make up for it with nursing extra at night, and if he's only there 3 days a week I'm not sure I'd be overly worried about it.

How does he feel about being worn in a baby carrier, and how do the providers feel about wearing him? Maybe they're against it, but for a super-fussy baby it can work wonders.

Also, is it possible that by nursing him at lunch makes him more anxious and unhappy that he has to be there without you? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, it's just that came up somewhere in my life recently...might have been at one of the DC visits we had.

[TracyDP]

Also, is it possible that by nursing him at lunch makes him more anxious and unhappy that he has to be there without you? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, it's just that came up somewhere in my life recently...might have been at one of the DC visits we had.

I was thinking about this too. I know with my DD, if I'm around or she sees me while someone else is watching her, all bets are off and she will get fussier and not as happy with the caregiver. But, if I am not around she seems to do just fine with being watched by grandma or a babysitter she is familiar with. Same at night, if she wakes up and DH goes to her he can usually calm her down and get her back to sleep...but if I get up at the same time to use the bathroom or she hears me...she will immediately not want anything to do with DH and want me to come put her back to sleep. Maybe coming and BF while your DS is at daycare is just "reminding" him you are gone and causing him to be MORE fussy knowing you are coming or were just there. Same as the PP, I'm not trying to throw any guilt out there, just presenting one possibility.

[boox2]

Thanks everyone for your input. :)

itsjustme[B]: I believe that if a child is not making a good adjustment to his daycare situation, the parents should definitely try and find another one better suited to their child. It's not fair to the unhappy baby, the caregiver or the other infants. Of course, that doesn't make it any easier...

[B]Lila55: I have offered to take a week off work and try to ease his transition to daycare after hearing that he may not be able to continue in July, but his caregiver doesn't think that it will do any good since he's already had nearly 2 months to acclimate. She did mention that I was welcome to try if I liked. But since they are closed the week of July 4th, they'd have to extend his stay by another month. I see no reason to take the last week of June off to help DS transition, only to keep him home the entire next week.

merjmo, TracyDP: Now that you mention it, he has been teething. About a month ago, he grew his two bottom teeth. Right now, I see that his two upper front teeth are about to erupt. Bears some thinking about, definitely. We have noticed that he is not as stoic as DD was. He's also been getting ready to crawl and is pulling to stand. I don't remember that impacting napping, but again, all babies are different, right?

He gets fussy when he's hungry, but it does not take much to assuage his hunger. Each nursing session would only take ~10 mins maximum if he weren't comfort nursing. When I give him bottles, he will only take about 1-2 oz., same amount as he takes from my mom and at daycare.

I am not sure if my coming in during lunch to feed him impacts him that much. I usually nurse him during their afternoon nap time, so it's darkened. If he's sleeping, I leave him be. There have been times that I have not been able to pull myself away from the office, and he's done okay. I do know that he is sad when I leave him abruptly.

Yes, he does prefer me above DH, etc. At home, if he sees me, more often than not, he will drop whatever he's into and hold his arms out to me.

I've started bringing in his favorite toys last Friday. That gave him a happy morning and a crybaby afternoon. (I didn't come by to nurse as I took him out early for a MD appt., as I thoughthe might have an ear infection. He didn't.) We'll see what happens Monday. I will also bring along one of his blankets that I will sleep with tonight so it has my scent. (Read it on another board.)

[texasbride]

I agree with the other posters that you coming in to nurse him at lunchtime may be doing more harm than good. I know that when we drop off my DD at daycare in the morning she is fine with us leaving, but when I get there to pick her up in the afternoon, the minute she sees me, she's ready to leave. There was one time when I got there and took her from her caregiver, but then gave her back so she could change her diaper and walked into the other room to get something ~ I have never heard her scream as loud as she did and she did it until she was back in my arms. I think in the morning she's fine because she knows that either DH or I will be getting her that afternoon, but once she sees us she's done. Just a thought.

Have you talked to your ped about him not taking his bottles? What did he say? My DD never takes her bottles as well for anyone but DH and I, so that could be it. Is he formula fed when at daycare or do you pump? Have you tried switching him to the bottle exclusively (either through pumping or formula) ~ I'm just thinking, if he's hungry enough, he'll take the bottle, which I guess would be the case no matter what at daycare. As long as he's eating his solids fine and the lack of liquids at daycare isn't affecting his growth, maybe that's not such a big deal. As far as naps...our DD slept better the first few months she was at daycare and then that all changed. All of a sudden she went from taking two 1.5-2 hour naps/day to taking 1-2 30-45 minute naps/day. She still sleeps great at home, so we attributed it to her being interested in everything that was going on ~ she didn't want to miss out on anything!

Has he been fussy the entire time he's been at the daycare? My DD is probably one of the happiest babies, but she's getting her top teeth and has been very fussy the past week or so. She wasn't as fussy with her bottom teeth, but the top teeth are definitely impacting her mood. My sister has twin girls and one of them was very fussy from the time she was starting to get an interest in crawling to the time she started walking. She was MAD because she wanted to be able to do it and couldn't. Maybe your DS is feeling the same way.

As far as what to do to make it better, the only thing I can suggest is that you not go there for lunch. Also, I'm not sure you going there and staying all day for a few days/week will make things better. He'll just get used to you being there and will be upset when you leave him again.

Maybe starting over at a new daycare is just what he needs. Right now his teachers are probably frustrated and it doesn't sound like it's going to get any better. Think about how we feel as parents when our DC is crying/upset and we can't figure out what to do to fix it. They're probably feeling that tenfold because not only is his crying affecting him, but it's now starting to affect the other babies in the room. I will say that on the one hand I'm surprised that they're asking him to leave, but on the other hand I'm not ~ it's not a good situation for him or the other babies in the room. Hopefully you will find something that is!

[Ohana]

I think the lunch time visit may be the culprit. When your LO sees you, he equates that with going home, and it's confusing if your sometimes take him home and sometimes nurse him and leave. I know exactly how hard it is for you, but try not visiting this week to see if it makes a difference (I had this happen with both of my dd's).

[ktsb]

Not sure how I would feel about the cargiver's attitude. Yes it's been a couple of months but she needs to give you more time to try a different approach. Sounds like she's given up on him which may equate to a not so good fit between caregiver and child as another poster has indicated.

[mommydearest]

I have seen both sides of this with a friend whose son is high needs. Another friend has a child in the same in home daycare. The other friend is very frustrated because the caregivers spend so much time running after the hyperactive child that her easy going baby sits in the swing, bouncer, tummy time etc. all the time because the caregiver is busy. Finally, the high needs child was asked to leave, and the environment totally changed. He is doing much better at his new daycare, and this daycare is also better off.

It is possible that your baby just really doesn't like the caregivers, too. Being unhappy for so long could make him nervous around those caregivers. Maybe you could do a trial day or two with a different kind of care (in home or teenager) since it is summer and see if things go better.

I would respect a caregiver that is open enough to tell you it isn't working. Many daycare centers just want your money.