Stranger Touching/Kissing Baby -WWYD

[Angie]

Let me preface this by saying that I'm probably a little too paranoid/germaphobic when it comes to DD, who is almost 5 months old. So I might be overreacting, and if I am, please feel free to tell me (in a nice way..you don't have to make me cry :p).

DH, DD and I went out to a restaurant tonight (or as close to a 'restaurant' as the Chinese super buffet can be..lol). The waitress kept coming over and grabbing DD's hands, kissing her hands, letting DD touch her face/grab her hair, picking up DD's toy by the parts that she chews on, putting pieces of the toy in DD's mouth and just generally messing with her. When she was touching her hands for the first time, I wasn't super happy with it (since those hands would be going in her mouth in about 5 seconds), but it didn't bother me too much, but she kept doing it (she probably came back 5 or 6 times). What really bothered me was her kissing DD's hands. I didn't say anything. I know she was just trying to be nice and thought my DD was cute, but it was making me really uncomfortable.

What would you have done? Would this have bothered you?

Thanks!

[maplekitty]

Was she older?
I had that happen numerous times when DD was younger, and it was always older people. It is trange, and it's one of those afterwards things that you think what "would" you have said. I don't think there really is anything to say, that won't offend the person honestly. They are just being nioce and dotting on your child, so what can you do? Wipe her hands off with a dipe wipe after, and remember not to go back to that particular restaurant if it really creeps you out.

[Angie]

Was she older?
I had that happen numerous times when DD was younger, and it was always older people. It is trange, and it's one of those afterwards things that you think what "would" you have said. I don't think there really is anything to say, that won't offend the person honestly. They are just being nioce and dotting on your child, so what can you do? Wipe her hands off with a dipe wipe after, and remember not to go back to that particular restaurant if it really creeps you out.

She wasn't older (maybe 30-35), but she was foreign, so maybe its a cultural thing. I totally agree about what 'would' I say...that's exactly how I felt. I didn't want to be rude because I know she was being sweet. I did wipe DD's hands after the kissing and face/hair grabbing.

Thanks for the response!

[NYN]

Oh my god. This sort of thing drives me crazy. I love it especially when they're all like "I'll just kiss her hands b/c you shouldn't kiss a baby's face." Right. :rolleyes:

[Grenouille]

It never bothered me when people touched or kissed my kids. Neither one caught any diseases from strangers touching them or anything. Germ paranoia is not really a good thing; the over-sanitizing of our kids and homes is leading to super-germs which are tougher to knock out.

I'm glad to see someone else mention the cultural issue, too. I know when I was pregnant, I had several co-workers rubbing my belly each time I saw them. I really didn't mind. One day one of them felt the need to explain to me that in their culture it was considered bad luck NOT to touch a pregnant woman's belly. Same goes for touching a baby, to some people it is bad luck NOT to touch a baby. So saying something about keeping their hands off your child could be interpreted as major rudeness, etc. Probably best to just nod and smile and clean your baby's hands later, if you see fit.

[NYN]

I'm glad to see someone else mention the cultural issue, too. I know when I was pregnant, I had several co-workers rubbing my belly each time I saw them. I really didn't mind. One day one of them felt the need to explain to me that in their culture it was considered bad luck NOT to touch a pregnant woman's belly. Same goes for touching a baby, to some people it is bad luck NOT to touch a baby. So saying something about keeping their hands off your child could be interpreted as major rudeness, etc. Probably best to just nod and smile and clean your baby's hands later, if you see fit.
I don't know that this is a good excuse though. In my culture someone telling you your baby is cute several times is considered bad luck (and I would consequently have to spit three times in order to "take away the bad luck" :)). Which is ruder, that they are being insensitive to my culture or that I am being insensitive to theirs? And since I am living and raising my child in the U.S., in a culture where it is considered odd to go up to random people and touch them (at least in my part of the U.S. it is), shouldn't I consider it "major rudeness" that some stranger is touching my kid?

And lastly, while I totally agree with you in theory that we overly sanitize everything and are a culture of germaphobes, in practice I still don't want some person I don't know who maybe didn't wash their hands after going potty touching my daughter's hands. It's just gross.

Clearly I take issue with this. :D

[Ellyn]

I *think* it is a cultural thing...this happened to us at a Chinese Rest. too. And SIL goes to a nicer Chinese Restaraunt (ie: NOT the China Buffet :D) and the waitresses there liked to take her DS when he was a year old and walk around with him and show him off to each other.

About the germs - I worry too...and I was the queen of shopping cart and rest. high chair covers with DS when he was a few months old. Once he got older and with DD, I let go more and don't worry about that as much, however the kissing thing is strange - sort of like rubbing a pg belly. Yuck. I can't imagine doing either to a stranger...or a friend/friend's baby unless we were really close friends.

[PookiePrincess]

Honestly, I would have made sure to sit at a table where the baby could be put away from other people. I would purposely choose a table near a wall or in a corner so I could put the baby on the inside near the wall.

That being said, I don't usually have strangers come up and touch my daughter. I've had people peek at her in her seat and ask how old she is or comment about her, but no one tries to touch or kiss on her. Your situation would bother me, too, though because she puts her hands in her mouth a lot!

[Grenouille]

I don't know that this is a good excuse though. In my culture someone telling you your baby is cute several times is considered bad luck (and I would consequently have to spit three times in order to "take away the bad luck" :)). Which is ruder, that they are being insensitive to my culture or that I am being insensitive to theirs? And since I am living and raising my child in the U.S., in a culture where it is considered odd to go up to random people and touch them (at least in my part of the U.S. it is), shouldn't I consider it "major rudeness" that some stranger is touching my kid?

And lastly, while I totally agree with you in theory that we overly sanitize everything and are a culture of germaphobes, in practice I still don't want some person I don't know who maybe didn't wash their hands after going potty touching my daughter's hands. It's just gross.

Clearly I take issue with this. :D

I don't know that its that uncommon even for Americans to touch a baby. I've had plenty of good old white bread types touching and kissing my kids. To me its just part of the territory as a parent. I'm just saying that for some people there is a cultural aspect to it. And the part about whose culture deserves more respect, I guess its up to each person to figure that out for themselves. I have no issues with respecting other people's cultures so I let it slide.

[honeygirl]

That being said, I don't usually have strangers come up and touch my daughter. I've had people peek at her in her seat and ask how old she is or comment about her, but no one tries to touch or kiss on her. Your situation would bother me, too, though because she puts her hands in her mouth a lot!

When my DD was your daughter's age we didn't get as much touching, but it's getting worse as she gets older. She's more engaging now with her talking, moving and smiles so strangers tend to talk to and then touch her more!

I'm bugged by it but haven't found a way to say no without sounding rude. I know that they mean well, but I find myself wiping off her hands as soon as they leave. :rolleyes:

[TracyDP]

My baby is super happy/friendly and really cute (so I've been told :rolleyes: ) and I get a lot of comments and people talking to me about her, but not a lot of touching...thank goodness. I am so NOT a germ phobe, quite the opposite since I subscribe to the "exposure makes a good immune system" philosophy, but other people touching DD gives me the skeevies. I was taking a walk tonight with DD and there was someone visiting one of my neighbors that had a 7m old baby. He came to the fence and was talking to me (my DD was in a sling on my hip) which was fine. DD reached out to the baby and the guy put out his finger and DD grabbed it. He must be a mechanic or something along those lines and his hands were really callused and dirty/black. I'm sure they were "clean", I know mechanics hands are always like that, but it still kind of gave me the willies. I just backed up a little so DD couldn't reach him and left it at that.

FWIW I'd have been weirded out by the lady kissing/touching my DD at a restaurant and I feel like I would have said something, but in the same situation...who knows if I would have or not.

[sophonisba9]

I think it's definitely a cultural thing. When we last went to a Chinese buffet, the waitresses swarmed DS. They brought him toys and wanted to pick him up. I said a polite no to picking up but accepted the toys. I'm in the exposure makes you stronger camp, but I still moved the toys out of his reach under the pretext of feeding him.

I think there's nothing wrong with a social lie in a situation like this. Ask that they not kiss the baby as the baby has a cold. That way it sounds like you are protecting them from the baby, not the other way around. If you have something nice prepared in advance then it's easily when the situation arises.

[Angie]

Thanks so much for the replies! I'm glad I'm not the only one that's a little bothered by this. It does make sense that this could be a cultural thing, too. I believe in China families are only allowed to have one child, so maybe seeing babies is less common over there. As far as respecting other people's cultures, I try to as much as I can, but when it comes to DD, if someone was doing something that made me super uncomfortable, cultural respect would go out the window (FWIW, I'm foreign too).

As far as trying to keep DD away from the end of a table, that's another issue in itself. She refuses to sit in her infant carrier (we've actually switched to a convertible car seat since we were never taking the infant carrier out of the car anyway) and is too young for a high chair...so I get to hold her in my lap while I eat.

All in all, I know the waitress was just being sweet and loving on DD...and who can blame her? :D

[Angie]

Forgot to add, Sophonisba9 that's a good idea! I didn't even thing to play that angle.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Our local Chinese food place the waitresses interacted with all my kids. I don't worry much if they get touched. My DS was only 10 days old when he went to a restaurant for the first time, he was near a corner of course since he was so little. The waitress commented about how cute he was and left it at that, since she would have to reach past me otherwise. He was out everyday of his life until I had the twins, he never got sick once. The girls we have been fortunate never got sick, even with the hand touching and such from strangers.

[pride&prejudice]

I would probably say its a cultural thing. My roommate in college was South Korean. She was kind of touchy-feely. And when I went over there to visit with her family, most of her girlfriends were as well. It wouldn't be uncommon for us to be walking down the street and be holding hands. At first it creeped me out and I thought other things, but then I realized that's just how they were.

I've had it happen with DD. I'm usually ok with it, but then I've never really had anyone just touch her without asking.

[polarama]

I don't know if it's necessarily a cultural thing as it's just a "people are drawn to cute babies" thing. We go to a lot of restaurants--ethnic or otherwise, and I will say that the people who have touched DD the most have generally been older women (like grandma-age) and honestly, I haven't noticed an ethnic difference--if anything, I've noticed that more Caucasian people have touched her. So, I wouldn't attribute this to cultural/ethnic differences. I just think people like babies.

I don't mind if people touch her, but the kissing thing is weird. I think Sophonisba9's idea to tell people that the baby is sick is a good one. DD is also a messy eater, so when we're out and she's eating, she has her hands and face covered in food...and people do NOT come near that no matter how cute! :)

[karlatta]

Even if it is a cultural thing, you don't have to just sit and watch something happen that makes you uncomfortable. Especially when it deals with your child.

My MIL is Asian, and when I was pregnant, she wanted to touch my belly all.the.time. It made me super uncomfortable. I decided that just because something is accepted (or expected) in someone else's culture doesn't mean that I have to embrace that. My culture and expectations are important too, especially since we were talking about *my* body. So I politely told her that I didn't like anyone touching my stomach and that was the end of it.

In your situation, I would have said something. Either sophonisba9's sick excuse or something similar. And if it didn't work I would have moved DD to the other side of the table, my lap, etc.

[mcgwigan]

Funny - I never thought about it. We went to a Chinese Buffet recenty and the waitress came over and was clapping her hands & holding them out like she wanted DS to come to here - thankfully he's only 4 months old so is not at that age where he would hold his arms out to go to someone. I certainly did not offer him to her either. She did enjoy coming to look at him and told us that he had beautiful eyes & nose. I do the same & take him out of the infant carrier usually - unless he's being especially good in there.

Just Firday night we were in a diner near us and I was holding DS on my lap, but he was getting fidgety because he was hungry, but I hadn't brought a hooter hider or blanket to cover up with so was wolfing down my food & trying to distract him. DH held him for a bit, then let the lady (older-grandma aged) at the table next to us hold him. I was fine with it-she just sat him on the table and talked to him while he smiled away - it let me finish my dinner!

ETA: When DS was newborn, I had no problem telling people no touching/holding. I took DS to a baby shower with me when he was, I think, 4 weeks old and I did not let anyone other than MIL hold him - it was February or MArch and he had already had a cold-I didn't want to take any chances of him getting sick again! No one was offended either.

[wendalah]

Wow, this is an interesting thread. We've gotten plenty of "Hi sweetheart"s, waving, blowing kisses, lots of questions about how old she is, etc., but nobody has actually reached out to touch her. I don't know if it would really bother me all that badly if someone did touch her, unless they had visible signs of illness (coughing or whatever).

I'll tell you what does drive me nuts. When I'm in the park with the baby and someone lets their kid run up and grab her toys and chew on them. The last time that happened, the mother came up and was like, "oh no, no...give the toy back...you don't want to give baby your cold..." I got the hell out of there and washed all the park toys in hot water and antibacterial soap. I was so pissed off.

[Grenouille]

I'll tell you what does drive me nuts. When I'm in the park with the baby and someone lets their kid run up and grab her toys and chew on them. The last time that happened, the mother came up and was like, "oh no, no...give the toy back...you don't want to give baby your cold..." I got the hell out of there and washed all the park toys in hot water and antibacterial soap. I was so pissed off.

Ok, that would bother me A LOT more than an adult coming up and touching my kids. Adults can usually "censor" themselves and refrain from touching when they are sick. Kids can't. Blech.

Can I ask a follow-up question? I tend to be a baby toucher myself, maybe that's why I don't mind when others touched mine. If you are bothered by strangers touching your babies, does it still bother you if they touch or tickle just the baby's foot (with sock on) or your baby's head (like rubbing the top of the baby's head where baby obviously can't grab/lick)? I am not asking to be antagonistic or anything, I am genuinely asking because a preschool mommy friend has a 9 week old, and I have probably tickled his foot and rubbed his head ("oh i love your soft little head!!!") and I would hate to think that she was pissed off over that. I don't think I would do it to some random person at a restaurant, but she and I aren't BFFs or anything either, we chat at pickup and dropoff and birthday parties, etc. Is it different if its someone you know casually vs some random person?

[mamax2]

I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but I wouldn't be comfortable with strangers kissing my baby. I don't like them touching their face or hands either - feet are o.k. though.

In a situation like the OP's, I'd switch seats and be less accessible to the attention.

[steelcitymama]

in the OP's situation, i would have been really uncomfortable too, but probably wouldn't have addressed it directly since i know the waitress was just being friendly & i wouldn't want to offend her. i would have probably done some rearranging of seats though. i'm not a germaphobe, so that's not my main issue... i guess it has more to do with personal space & social boundaries for me. though random stranger germs aren't ideal, either!

grenouille - as far as i'm concerned, what you've done with your acquaintance's baby is totally cool in my book. :)

quick story--when DD was ~ 3-4 months old, i was grocery shopping with her in a sling and some complete stranger asked me if she could hold her. ???? seriously? uh, no thanks.

[Angie]

Can I ask a follow-up question? I tend to be a baby toucher myself, maybe that's why I don't mind when others touched mine. If you are bothered by strangers touching your babies, does it still bother you if they touch or tickle just the baby's foot (with sock on) or your baby's head (like rubbing the top of the baby's head where baby obviously can't grab/lick)?

Nope, that wouldn't bother me at all (socks/no socks/head). Heck, I would probably rather someone touched her face than her hands since she's not licking her cheeks or forehead.

steelcitymama -wow! I know people just do things like that because they love babies, but my paranoid mind conjures up images of you handing your baby off to the stranger who then runs off with her!

[jh124]

Ok, so I'm the hardass of the bunch. We had a very strict rule when DS was a baby (and will again, for #2):

NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE BABY.

DH and I were polite, but firm, when we would ask people not to touch the baby, or physically move the baby away. Frankly, I didn't/don't care if I offended anyone. If pressed, or we felt we needed to give an excuse, we would say the baby has been sick.

We were extremely generous with our friends, allowing anyone and everyone to hold him and pass him around. In reponse to Grenouille's question, I don't think I would have been upset about an aquaintance touching the baby...but a stranger on the street? Or a waitress? Momma Bear would have been really upset.

(ETA: Of course, the owner of our local bagel shop, who we see every week, was given DS to hold, cuddle, coo while we ate, so I guess I'm a big hypocrite.)

[merjmo]

Ok, so DD was a little early (just over 3 weeks) and she came in October, so I've been told to just be careful b/c she might be more prone to illness. All winter I was extremely careful of strangers getting too close to her hands, face, or bare feet (which was rare - touching socks was fine). So in May, this happened (I posted this elsewhere so I'm just copying):

Last week I was on a walk with DD (who was in the stroller, it was our fitness walk!) and a woman with a young girl walked near us. The girl was maybe 3, and came up to the stroller saying "BABY!" so I stopped.

The girl walked up to the stroller and got close so I said "oh, but don't touch" in a totally nice way. The woman got ANGRY WITH ME!

She started saying (huffily) that "it's not like she has some strange disease..." and "it's just WEIRD." I was so shocked I almost didn't get anything out, except that it wasn't weird because she was a preemie. (But I really wish I'd said my DD was the one with the weird disease, LOL.)

I am fine with DD getting a cold, and I'm fine with germs in general. But I'm fine with the germs of my friends kids, and of DC; I'm not fine with strangers allowing their (potentially rough) kids to be all over my baby when I don't know where they've been or if they're sick. Does that make sense? I mean, even my MOTHER feels like she has to wash her hands each and every time she touches DD.

[Angie]

(ETA: Of course, the owner of our local bagel shop, who we see every week, was given DS to hold, cuddle, coo while we ate, so I guess I'm a big hypocrite.)

To me there are two types of strangers. Someone you see once a week might not be your friend or even really acquaintance, but it's not really a stranger either. I take DD to the chiropractor once a week and the ladies there absolutely love her. These are, technically, strangers but I readily hand her over to them and they've even watched her while I was getting a chair massage.


Merjimo - that's just crazy! I'm picturing myself in that mom's shoes if my DD was older and ran up to an infant trying to touch them and I can't imagine being offended if you told me no. Three year olds are not usually knows for being gentle if they haven't been around babies (and how would you know!) plus they're not exactly known for their clean hands either. For all you know she might have just sneezed all over her hands or played in the mud.

[Twylla]

I'm getting nervous... and trying to practise some good responses for the touching I feel like my baby will get...

[Angie]

I'm getting nervous... and trying to practise some good responses for the touching I feel like my baby will get...

My mom actually gave me a pretty good one this evening when I was telling her about it. She said I could try saying something like "oh, you don't want to touch her hands, they're cover in drool, all she does is chew on them these days". It's like sophonisba9's suggestion (baby has a cold) where you're "saving" the person from the baby, not the other way around. It also helps to gently remind the person that babies put their hands in their mouths.

By the way, someone else was touching DD's hands at the post office today. :rolleyes: The lady was standing behind us in line and DD kept smiling at her. Luckily she only grabbed her once (I can forgive that ;)).

[Twylla]

Angie that's a good idea. I think it'll work for most people. Now if someone could explain to my mother's friend and her 20 year old daughter that it's not wise to touch babies when you're sick, I might be set. :rolleyes: Thanks for the suggestion!

[merjmo]

I'm getting nervous... and trying to practise some good responses for the touching I feel like my baby will get...

You could try this sign (http://www.mytinyhands.com/). It's inexpensive; I'm not sure why I never ended up buying it (lazy?).

[Sarah]

I think it's wonderful that people love babies, and want to share in your joy. I wouldn't begrudge a friendly person the chance to tickle/kiss my baby, as long as I didn't get any creepy vibes or anything. It seems like there are so many other things to worry about, and get upset over- someone loving babies is really nothing to worry about.

[Angie]

I think it's wonderful that people love babies, and want to share in your joy. I wouldn't begrudge a friendly person the chance to tickle/kiss my baby, as long as I didn't get any creepy vibes or anything. It seems like there are so many other things to worry about, and get upset over- someone loving babies is really nothing to worry about.

Sarah, while I do agree with you and love the fact that people think my baby is adorable (and how could they not! ;)), I also think of it from my own perspective. If I was eating something with my hands and a complete stranger came and shook my hand, I would probably want to wash my hands before continuing to eat. If that stranger then continued to come over and shake my hand, I would get pretty annoyed. I dunno, I guess I see way too many people not washing their hands after using the bathroom. In that situation, the thought of not washing my hands conjures up images of licking the bathroom door handle. :eek: lol

merjmo - that sign is too funny!

[jenji]

this happens a lot with our DS - especially at church. we just wipe him down wiht hand sanitizer afterwards, before he puts his hands in his mouth. sometime around 6 months I started being a LITTLE less of a germaphobe, but it doesn't take much to make a baby sick, so we're still cautious

[Geranium]

I'm not a germaphobe, I don't wash everything that DD puts in her mouth, I try to relax when she touches the shopping carts/high chairs, but I HATE when strangers touch my baby's hands. I have always been taught that germs spread easily through hand to mouth contact, isn't this common knowledge these days?? Just within the past week DD has had her hands grabbed by the cashier at Walgreens, a busser who just cleaned a dirty table at a restaurant and mom at preschool who had three minutes prior used her thumb and forefinger to wipe a snot wad from her baby's nose. I carry Wet Ones wipes and scrub her hands when it happens but I just wish people would think before they touch her.
I never had this happen with DD1, I think she was much more wary of strangers and sent out the "don't get to close" vibe. DD2 reaches for everyone and loves to interact with new people, the hand touching happens almost everyday.
Even though I'm a freak about her hands, I don't mind at all if someone touches her head, feet, or even if she's held by someone else.

[mrschica]

Everyone always talks to my DD and says how adorable she is (of course ;) ) and now at 7 months, I'm less anxious about people touching her than when she was a newborn. However, I've been lucky enough to not have anyone touch her, but that's because of a little trick I do. When I see someone approach her and complimenting her (baby talking) I automatically grab her hand and say "Say 'hi' Bianca, say 'thank you'!" or I'll rub her tummy and smile at the stranger thanking them. That way, I'm touching my DD and am basically in her personal space before the stranger in question can get to her.

That's when she's in her stroller though. Most of the time I carry her on me in our ring sling, so they don't even have access to her.

An adult gently and quickly touching her doesn't bother me as much as a toddler or other children who tend to be way more "germy". That does put me a bit on edge, especially since they don't understand that she's not a doll and needs to be treated gently.

A lot of people who have touched DD have usually just patted her head or tickled her foot before I could get to her first. :D

[julietchicago]

I have major issues w/ strangers touching my DS. This has happened about 5 times so far and it REALLY bothers me. What drew the final straw for me was when I was walking up to the grocery store w/ DS in his stroller and the cart girl came running up to him and rubbed his face saying how cute he is. It all happened so fast, thank god DS started crying because she scared him, because she stopped on her own. But when I looked at her arm she had some funky scabbed over sore on it and all I could think about was that, and the fact she had been touching dirty germ infested carts all day.

I called the store and spoke to the manager when I got home. I was very nice about it. I think I felt horrible that I didn't do enough to protect my son and tell her immediately when she came running up to him "please don't touch" or something like that. I am his mommy and it's my job to protect him, I can't be worried about offending people. Big deal -they are strangers!! My son's health is more important than offending someone. Who knows where someone's hands have been???