Nighttime Attachment Issues HELP!!

[isign]

DS is 9m. He started STTN around 8 weeks and did so until around 7 months when I got pg. We moved him from his cradle, next to the bed, into the bed, since he also got sick at the same time. Now nighttime is a nightmare. We have started putting him in his crib - in our room - for all naps, and at night. We, usually the three of us, have cuddle time, he goes to sleep, and then he gets put in his crib. He will not fall asleep in his crib. He also does not normally get nursed to sleep. Usually around midnight and then at 3:30 he will wake up screaming and HAVE to have mommy and HAS to nurse. At first we thought he was hungry, so I started feeding him really late. He usually gets oatmeal (big people's not cereal) for these late dinners, thinking that maybe a full belly will help him sleep. No such luck. Two nights ago , DH discovered that if DS doesn't see mommy he'll go back to sleep in Daddy's arms, but will not go back in the crib. At this point I just want to sleep, so we usually put him back in our bad.

Last night was the worst. He woke in his crib at midnight - only slept 3 hours - nursed, and went back to our bed. Between 12 and 6 he woke twice more, but I was able to cuddle with him and get him back to sleep. At 6 he woke and HAD to eat. I knew he was getting hungry, so that was ok. He has no mommy attachment any other time, and if I'm not in sight, he'll go to sleep for DH or whomever. I want to start weaning him soon, but more than that I need him sleeping through the night before #2 comes along. Any suggestions?

[jennylou]

Can you move the crib further away from your room? I know some people are able to slowly move it towards the nursery - our house set up would not allow for this as we have a small hallway, however.

Between the wake ups for nursing and the all night kicking and crawling all over me, our cosleeping days ended before DD turned a year. I ended up putting her in the swing, since i knew she would sleep there. It worked. :o Of course, then I had to transition her to the crib....which I finally did while I wasn't home. We were visiting relatives and in the same room - I can tell you that she woke up more often and earlier. Once we got home and she got into her own room, she started sleeping later in the mornings too.

It wasn't easy to get to this point....I have total sympathy for you!

[isign]

We have a split floor plan. The only way to move him out of the room is into the living room, and I'm not sure if that's do-able, but it's worth a try. He's not sleeping much at nap time, and I'm not sure where that came from either. Someone said that he detected the hormone change, and that's why it all changed. I am wondering if he's having bad dreams. He started STTN in our bed, but well that's so out the window.

Thanks Jenny for your help!

[lil_nance]

It may be a combination of the hormone changes in you and his age. My DD would sleep in her crib in her room from 3-4mo on. But she did not STTN until we night weaned at 10mo. Up to that point she would wake 1-3 times. If DH was able to get her down without me nursing her she would just wake up an hour later. If I nursed her, she'd sleep at least 2 more hours. For night weaning as tough as it was, we opted to CIO. I slept on the futon in the basement and DH had baby duty. He would comfort her if she cried too hard or too long. It took about 5 days but it worked. Now she STTN in her crib from 8-7 and has been doing so for a while. She also naps better (well except this past week due to teething). Good luck.

[nuhmah]

My DS cut bunches of teeth from 9-13 months and we went through exactly what you are describing. But we were full out co-sleeping at that point. I tried to get him to sleep in a PnP, but it never worked.

Around 14 months, we started doing this
http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp

or, at least, a modified version of it. By 16 months he was sleeping in his own bed (the crib mattress) on the floor next to my side of the bed and putting himself to sleep.

Good luck!

[isign]

I'm just not a fan of CIO in any way. It's not that he wants to eat, its more like he needs reassurance. Last night, two of the four times he woke, cuddling him back to sleep worked. He would sit up and lean on my tummy trying to get comfy. The farther along in my pregnancy I go, the worse this gets. He did nap great today, but he woke up looking so tired, so I think that's why. I am looking at weaning him in the next month or so, and I'm hoping that will help too. Thanks for the ideas, keep them coming!

[cr8zyforaf]

DD was like this until she was almost two. I am not a believer in CIO, so I just slept with her when she needed me. She was a cr*ppy sleeper from day 1 and it just didn't seem to get any better until around 23 months. I was too tired to keep fighting to get her back down in her crib (she would always start out there, but usually end up in the guest bed with me) and it was so much easier just to carry her into the guest bed and tend to her without having to get up. She needed me..DH tried on and off during these months but I could hear her screaming for me so it was just easier for me to handle it..now, if I had been pregnant..that would be another story.

I am sorry...no sleep sucks.

[isign]

We had more sleep last night!! I read the link that numuh posted. While I didn't like the CIO part, it really had alot of good points. I combined that with some things I read on Dr Sears's website and decided to try something different. One big thing that I know is an issue is that we don't have a good bedtime routine. Most of that is because DH gets home from work at random times, making it hard to get dinner on at the same time every night (between 7 and 8). He was off yesterday so that helped. Anyways, the goal was to get him to sleep w/out nursing, which took a while, but it happened, no tears. He woke up at 2!! That I can handle. We didn't want him to get to the screaming freaking out stage that he he usually does, so DH got him right away. I fed him, and back to sleep he went. I, instead of DH put him in his bed, which was ok, till he decided that it was play time. He ended up in our bed, but slept the rest of the night. In either that link that was posted or on Dr Sears' website, it said to talk to the baby about what was going on. Not that I think he totally understands, but I did,and I'm hoping it helped. We'll see what happens tonight.

[nuhmah]

Glad the link was helpful. :) I think there is a big difference between tears at nighttime and CIO. If he wakes in the night, cries and fusses because he is irritated at having to sleep without nursing, that is not CIO.

In terms of establishing a routine, my DH had a similar issue with his previous job. He was home at weird times, or not at all, and it affected us. So I just began keeping to the schedule no matter what. We never waited for meals, and I made darn sure I was home for naptime every day at the same time. My DS thrived under all this schedule, and his sleeping, eating, and pooping patterns became very regular.

Good luck!

[isign]

I jinxed it, but still, it did work one night. I think we're trying to work on too many things at once - STTN, and moving out of our bed, and night weaning.

How did you do dinner? Did you just make it and DH ate when/if he got home?

[Asha]

isign - I know family dinners are important, but sometimes its just not feasible with certain schedules. I would try to do dinner at the same time every night. Try to keep things routine. As long as your son can eat dinner with his daddy a couple nights a week, I think it will be okay. It won't be forever that you have to feed your child earlier than daddy comes home. My dh either takes his dinner to work or he eats whatever I've cooked when he gets home. I think it is best to do one change at a time. We just moved dd to her own room. For now, I am sleeping with her in her room so she gets used to the room. I don't want to scare her from her room by being alone. Some experts say that you shouldn't expect babies to sttn in the first year. One five hour stretch is actually considered sttn. I consider it a good night if dd only feeds once. It sure beats when she was up every 2 hours.

[isign]

I'm not really trying to get them to eat together, its more us eating together, but that means usually around 8.

DS isn't even really sleeping 5 hour stretches. Last night it was 10:30 (2 hours) 1:30 (3 hours) and after that I don't even remember because it kept happening. He's boycotting his bed now too. He's refusing to take a nap. He's used to STTN, but really if he only wakes once to eat, I'm happy.

[ejs]

It could also be that he now understands object permanence. He is now aware that when he falls asleep, he's with you in your bed, but when he wakes up, he's alone in his crib. Before object permanence set it, he didn't really get it, but now he remembers that he was with you and now he's not. Try putting him in his crib when he's drowsy, but still awake, so he is aware that he's going into his crib alone.

[jenji]

DS is 8 months and he's just started getting where he'll wake up crying if he's wakes and isn't where he fell asleep. I don't have any suggestions for you. we alternate between several weeks or a month of good sleep and then he gets sick, gets a tooth, something changes, etc and then we have a few weeks of getting up a couple times a night to nurse.
I don't have advice to offer, as I still just get up, pick him up and nurse him and put him right back in the crib and he sleeps. It is hard all the waking though... speaking of, nap has ended

[isign]

It could also be that he now understands object permanence. He is now aware that when he falls asleep, he's with you in your bed, but when he wakes up, he's alone in his crib. Before object permanence set it, he didn't really get it, but now he remembers that he was with you and now he's not. Try putting him in his crib when he's drowsy, but still awake, so he is aware that he's going into his crib alone.

That makes sense. It's so hard to put him down drowsy, except for naps which he is boycotting now, because he cries. When he naps I put him in his crib and he opens his eyes, looks around and goes back to sleep. At night, DH puts him down, he doesn't nurse to sleep, so we are working on right to the bed. He still wakes up several times in our bed clinging to me. It doesn't help that he's cutting a new tooth. With #2, it's co-sleeper to bed all the way. I love co-sleeping, but I can't do this with another.

[Asha]

You know it could be teething. A few weeks ago, dd went through this and was up every 1.5-2 hours. Once her fourth top tooth popped in she went back to her somewhat normal sleep routine.

[isign]

He didn't do this with the first two, but still, nothing is ever constant right :) He took one nap yesterday afternoon, only for an hour, and CRASHED last night. I kept him in our bed, thinking that maybe we're working on too many things at once. He woke at 4 and that was it. DH didn't know what to do with all that sleep. I do think that we're going to try to get out of the house more, he seems to be much happier and sleep better on those days. It's just so dang hot!

[nuhmah]

I agree with a PP about dinner - it was more important to feed him when he was hungry, especially when we first started solids. We skipped over purees and baby foods and went right to table foods at 7 months. So when he was in the mood to eat, I wanted to capitalize! lol I would just make dinner for two, and then give DS a small helping off my plate. This went on until he was about a year old, when he was able to stay awake longer and then eat with us as a family. We currently eat together every night.

And we did find that teeth got harder to cut as we went along. :( Poor babes - I hate teething. Especially those molars, because they are now cutting all 4 corners of a tooth, and not just one edge. It would take him a week or two to cut all 4 corners, and it was torture during that time.

FWIW, I found months 10-13 to be THE hardest time in our entire parenting career so far. Sleep issues, teething, eating, and all the huge physical and mental milestones just wreaked havoc on my little baby's temperament. Hang in there! It does get better! :)

[isign]

Dinner - he eats every night at the same time. I tried experimenting with the times, to see if he slept longer, but it didn't do much. I am more worried with trying to get him to bed at a consistent time with a good bedtime routine, but still be able to cook for DH. I also make his baby food, which he loves. Since DH works late, he gets his dinner cooked just for him every night :)

I hate that 10-13 months is the hardest because I want to wean him soon. I do not want to tandem nurse, so I think that makes the STTN issues more stressful.