Would you give the $ back?

[imagirliegirl]

A few weeks ago my in-laws gave me $500 to take to London (for a study abroad class). I was supposed to leave Monday but had emergency surgery last Friday so as you can see, I'm not in London.

I really feel like I should give this money back. They haven't asked for it, nor would they, and they haven't made me feel like I should give it back at all. This is all me. I just feel like they gave it to me specifically for the trip that I am now not taking. It wasn't like it was just a $500 gift to do what I please with, you know?

So, should I give it back? Would you give it back? I don't want to be rude.

[diam124]

Was it a gift for a special occasion? If so then I would not return it. My ILs don't like giving us money as gifts but when they do they always say "this is for x". For one of our anniversaries they suggested we use the money to stay at the hotel we got married at. That seemed kind of silly to us so we just used it to go out to dinner. One time they suggested we buy a tv, but we didn't.

If they were giving you the money just to help defray the cost of the trip (ie. if you were on the fence about the trip and they said they'd give you money to ease financial concerns) then I could see you giving it back.

[salysaturn]

I have a similar issue. I want to help my mother who just retired with her oil bill, of course she won't accept it. I am just going to put it in a savings account for her. In your issue. I would offer to give it back. She may just have you keep it since you did have an emergency surgery, and may think you need it. I wouldn't think you were being rude to offer it back, it's not like you could help your trip getting cancelled :)

[imagirliegirl]

Was it a gift for a special occasion?

Not particularly. They just gave me a card with a check and said have fun in London. It was for the trip. It wasn't for financial reasons, it was spending money. My birthday was last week and they gave me other gifts. So it isn't as if I'd be giving back an "occasion" gift.

[Pink_Converse]

I would try to give it back and tell them it's because you did not go on the trip. If they insist you keep it I would keep it and not feel bad.

[am_81]

Since they gave it to you as spending money for the trip, I would at least offer to give it back. If they insist you that you keep it, I would do so gladly. Are you planning on rescheduling the trip? If so, you can put it away until then if it makes you feel better about it.

ETA -- Oops, I just realized the trip was a school thing, so scratch that last part. If it were me, I might save the money to pay for books next semester or something to make myself feel a little less guilty about keeping the money. If my offer to return the money wasnt accepted, of course.

[jenjen0713]

Absolutely, give it back.

[hub1176]

I would offer to give it back. They may tell you to keep it, but to keep it without offering seems wrong to me.

[Rose]

I would give it back. I assume it was spending money for London so I wouldn't feel right keeping it.

[thedoorchick]

I would definitely offer to return it, and if they insisted they wanted me to have the money regardless of the trip happened, then I would not press the issue and would keep it.

[mrschica]

I would offer to give it back. They may tell you to keep it, but to keep it without offering seems wrong to me.

ITA.

At least offer it back, knowing your IL's (from what you've said) they'll tell you to keep it and if they do, then it's cool. Just offer it back first so you don't come off as a happy hands.

[kindermom]

Yep. I would try to return it to. And then if they insisted I keep it, I would graciously thank them.

[Kimberland30]

I agree with everyone else that you should offer to give the $500 back to them since you didn't go on the trip. They might just tell you to keep it for other things, but at least you tried to return it.

[PinkMartini]

Yep. I would try to return it to. And then if they insisted I keep it, I would graciously thank them.

ITA!

[gardenmommy]

Yep. I would try to return it to. And then if they insisted I keep it, I would graciously thank them.

Yup!

[Adaya]

Yep. I would try to return it to. And then if they insisted I keep it, I would graciously thank them.

Me too.

[imagirliegirl]

What do you guys think about this?

I know them and if I offer to give it back they will never accept it. I really want to avoid the whole "please take it" "no you keep it" situation. They are out of town right now so I was thinking about just writing a nice thank you note and sticking the $ in it. We have to go to their house anyway. That way they can't really refuse it. Would that be okay or totally tacky?

I really will feel awful forever if I keep it.

[gardenmommy]

totally acceptable IMO.

[PinkMartini]

Good idea :) When I have encountered that situation I usually just say "Are you sure?" when they say keep it, and if they says "Yes" I say "Thank you so, so much" and leave it at that!

[cowgirl]

I think that would be fine.

[am_81]

What do you guys think about this?

I know them and if I offer to give it back they will never accept it. I really want to avoid the whole "please take it" "no you keep it" situation. They are out of town right now so I was thinking about just writing a nice thank you note and sticking the $ in it. We have to go to their house anyway. That way they can't really refuse it. Would that be okay or totally tacky?

I really will feel awful forever if I keep it.

As long as youre sure it wont hurt their feelings or offend them in any way, I think thats acceptable. Honestly though, both my parents or my MIL would not appreciate me trying to "sneak" the money back to them that way (ie- giving them no chance to insist you keep it), so I wouldnt do it.

[bug]

What does your DH suggest? Personally, I wouldn't leave it at their house. I would tell them that you feel guilty about keeping their money since you weren't able to take the trip. If they don't need the $ themselves, & insist you keep it, do so. Then maybe stash the $ for a trip to London at a later date with your DH & tell them that is what you are going to do. They most likely are disappointed for you that you didn't get to go to London & wouldn't want the money back.

Question--is there a way you can go to the study abroad a couple of weeks late? I guess not, or you'd be doing that now. Or is it possible to go in the fall semester & you could apply the $ to that?

[solongtogo]

Are you planning on going to London still, just at a later date?

[imagirliegirl]

Are you planning on going to London still, just at a later date?

The trip happens each year in May. I'm graduating in December so I will be (I better be) working by next May and won't be able /have the need to take the trip.

It's such a bummer. Stupid, useless appendix.

Thanks, everyone, for your opinions. I asked my husband to give them a heads up that I want to give the $ back hoping he can fend off the battle of "no you take it". I know they won't want to take it back and they do not need it but I just would not feel right keeping it. I guess if they absolutely refuse to take it back I can just apply it to tuition or something ... but that is not what it was intended for and that's not what I want to do.

[NotDesperate]

I would try to give it back and tell them it's because you did not go on the trip. If they insist you keep it I would keep it and not feel bad.

Ditto.

[Leia]

I'm really sorry you missed your trip. What a bummer :(

I would offer it back. Then if they say, "No, please keep it as our gift," I would thank them, tell them you were so disappointed you couldn't go, and you'll be setting it aside for your next big/international trip.

[DisneyGirl]

Absolutely, give it back

[Kimberland30]

I guess if they absolutely refuse to take it back I can just apply it to tuition or something ... but that is not what it was intended for and that's not what I want to do.

I think that if they do not want it back and insist you keep it, then your idea of using it towards tuition would be great, even though that isn't what it was originally planned for. At least it's still 'school oriented', you know?

Heck, if you feel bad for keeping it, you can always send it to me. :D

[pocket]

I think the money is for you to keep and that they will not accept it back. that doesn't mean that you don't offer to give it back. You offer it, they say no, no, keep it, you say thank you, you are so generous, I am overwhelmed, I love you and then you keep it.

[TenOClockBird]

So, what did you end up doing? Personally, I think you SHOULD offer it back, but when they insist you keep it (as I'm getting the impression that's what will happen) then you SHOULD keep it. My parents and grandparents would both be a little offended if I insisted on not keeping it, or trying to sneak it back to them without their opportunity to insist I keep it.

[miaclear]

So, what did you end up doing? Personally, I think you SHOULD offer it back, but when they insist you keep it (as I'm getting the impression that's what will happen) then you SHOULD keep it. My parents and grandparents would both be a little offended if I insisted on not keeping it, or trying to sneak it back to them without their opportunity to insist I keep it.

I agree.

Curious myself what happens.

[imagirliegirl]

They've been out of town but we are going out tomorrow night for my make up birthday dinner. The actual one was interrupted by the whole appendix thing. :)

I've got the cash so I'm going to try to give it back to them tomorrow. I'll let you know what happens. I really hope they take it but I bet they won't. I decided against just leaving it in the house. I don't *think* it would hurt their feelings but I don't want to take that chance.

[imagirliegirl]

Well, I told them I didn't feel right keeping it and asked them to take it back. They said no way. They told me just to put it in savings or use it towards school. I'm not thrilled about that but I wasn't going to make a huge issue of it. I made sure to thank them a lot and then dropped it.

I still don't feel right about it but I guess there isn't much else I can do.

Thanks again for all of the advice.

[TenOClockBird]

I'm curious, but in no way judging as this is one of those where you totally have a right to feel what you feel, but why do you feel bad about it? They obviously think you deserve it and they want you to have it. It's not like you did something underhanded to convince them to give it to you. I'm not sure I'm saying this well, I'm just curious.

[imagirliegirl]

I'm curious, but in no way judging as this is one of those where you totally have a right to feel what you feel, but why do you feel bad about it? They obviously think you deserve it and they want you to have it. It's not like you did something underhanded to convince them to give it to you. I'm not sure I'm saying this well, I'm just curious.

I just feel bad because the money was given to me for a specific reason - London - it's not like they just gave me a 500$ check and said enjoy, you know? Since I'm not in London and cannot use the money for its intended purpose, I feel like I should give it back. Since they won't take it back I'm going to use it for summer school tuition or books so it's at least still school related.

It's probably also because I'm not really used to "extravagant" gifts like that, so I felt weird taking it in the first place. Once I wasn't going on the trip it just escalated the weirdness for me. Make sense? :)

[mrschica]

It's probably also because I'm not really used to "extravagant" gifts like that,

Oh darling, you just haven't been invited to one of my soirée's here at my estate. I'll get you the room in the west wing and then you'll know extravagance! Champagne on ice, toothpaste made with caviar, and diamond studded toilet paper...

[TenOClockBird]

Yeah, that makes sense. Really, it does. It's just that it sounds like though the gift was extravagant to you, it wasn't terribly extravagant in their mind. You absolutely did the right thing in trying to give it back, but they "changed" the purpose of it when they told you to keep it, so I think you should put it out of your mind and realize what lovely ILs you have. ;)