Are you "normal" after a "non-traditional" upbringing?

[Kelly's Girl]

Let me preface this by saying that I know that everyone does things differently and there is no "right" way to live (heck, reference the Duggars thread for confirmation on that!) and I have nothing to compare my "Beaver Cleaver" childhood to.

That said, I am having a really hard time with family dinners and stuff. I remember eating together as a family every night from when I was a kid (I'd say I can remember from 5ish). My son is 2 1/2 and we rarely all sit down to eat. I'll feed him, and then later DH and I will eat, often in the kitchen or living room. When we do eat, it's never the 4 course meals I remember my mom making.

I also let him watch TV, sometimes in the a.m.- gasp!- and I don't always make him brush his teeth. Heck, we don't even bathe every day.

This may sound silly to some, but I've been thinking about my raising of DS and worrying that he's getting the short end of the mom stick.

[pocket]

What do you mean by normal? What do you mean by non-traditional?

I think my upbringing was pretty non-traditional, and while I wouldn't categorise myself as "normal" I don't really think average is something to strive for. I am normal in the sense that I have friends, am close to my parents and sister, am smart, articulate, interesting, engaged in the world around me, have a good job, went to a good college, am psychologically stable, physically healthy and have a loving marriage.

I think the things you are worrying about don't really matter as much as you think they do. It's of course important to learn table manners, it's important to spend time with your family, it's important to have a variety of interests, it's important to have good hygeine. But the specific things you are listing are not surefire ways to bring those things into your child's life any more than they are ways to keep them out of his life. It doesn't work like that.

[ManteoChik]

My brother and I were just having a discussion along these lines...only a little opposite.

We had a traditional upbringing. To everyone we pretty much had the perfect family and until my parents got divorced I knew no different (since I had never so much as seen them argue). Dinner was always cooked and we ate together. We did go out to eat quite a bit, but my mom still cooked the majority of the time. We did family vacations and activities and pretty much everything you'd expect.

Now....I consider us to be the only "normal" people in the family - the rest are just crazies. We love them, but I swear its like over the past 10 years they've all done complete 180's and are totally different people. I would say that all this happened after they got divorced and we were no longer part of a "traditional upbringing".

[KiKi'sMommy]

I had a traditional upbringing too. Two parents, dinner at the table, mom stayed home, etc.
When I went back to work after our DD was born, it was different than anything my Mom or MIL had done. So, in a way I guess for our family that was non-traditional. I do stay home now, but I am still far from the picture perfect "traditional" mom. My three year old watches a LOT more TV than I did as a kid. She eats snacks on the couch. Sometimes I even let her have ice cream for breakfast! Okay, everyone go ahead and slap my hand. Sometimes I think these boards can give you a false sense of how parenting should be. I see posts all the time about how guilty people feel about letting their kid watch even a little TV everyday. I guess what I am trying to say, is don't assume people are putting all of their "dirty little secrets" out there, because I can guarantee (because I do it too!), most people only want the world to see their best side.

[mrschica]

I guess what I am trying to say, is don't assume people are putting all of their "dirty little secrets" out there, because I can guarantee (because I do it too!), most people only want the world to see their best side.

ITA. Shit, I had a maple donut with a glass of milk for dinner and my flabby ass doesn't feel bad about it at all. ;)

[Kelly's Girl]

Pocket, my wording was inarticulate when I said "normal" b/c I know that varies for every person and is a poor standard and word to use. However, I do want to raise a well-adjusted kid who is all of the things you listed, and the only thing I have to go on for how to grow up and do that is my own childhood. Which I'm not exactly recreating- for better or for worse.

I think our upbringings must have been very similar, Manteo. People say I grew up in a sitcom, but I think they mean more "Leave it to Beaver" than "Married with Children." Which is kinda how I feel sometimes!

Kiki, an excellent point. I do get a bit nutty when I try to compare myself to other people here and IRL.

And chica, DS and I went for ice cream on the way home from school. BEFORE supper. :o

[FallingforPhil]

ITA. Shit, I had a maple donut with a glass of milk for dinner and my flabby ass doesn't feel bad about it at all. ;)


MrsChica, I am cracking up, not only at your comment, but also at your avatar. I teach band, and spent much of the afternoon on the phone with a parent of a student who is currently earning a 52% in my class. :rolleyes:

[Natasha]

I had a super "non traditional" upbrining. My parents split when I was 3, my grandmother was my primary caregiver for a lot of my early childhood because my parents were out being single. My mom had a substance abuse problem, and lost custody of us when I was 8. We went to live with my dad and his girlfriend, who later became my step mom. My mom was in and out of our lives, and my dad traveled a lot, so my step mom and grandmother were the ones most responsible for my sister and I.

Am I "normal"? Well, I had 2 kids out of wedlock, but am now a happily married SAHM expecting my 3rd and final child this June. My husband is a good person, college educated, with a good job. I plan on going back to school once the baby is old enough for pre school. We pay our bills, make sure our kids eat their fruits and veggies, limit sugar intake and television to an extent.

I think your son will be just fine. Love and support are the most important things for a kid (whether it be from mom, grandma, step mom, dad, whoever). Missing a few tooth brushings, watching tv and eating dinner in the living room will not be detrimental to your child's development, IMHO.

[Megande]

I've been thinking about this lately. When I feel guilty about not living up to some arbitrary standard I have in my head, I've started asking where the standard comes from. After all, we can't really judge the job we are doing as parents if we don't know what our goals are.

Here is what I've started to go through in my head (taking your dinner example): What value would you be failing to teach your son by not eating dinner together? Do you really value that? Are you getting it elsewhere? For example, if it ultimately comes down to togetherness, and you do value that, are you getting good family together time in other ways? If so, then he isn't really missing out on something you consider important. If not, how can you start doing a better job.

Anyway, I know that isn't really what you asked, but I just thought it was interesting because I've been thinking about this very topic a lot lately.

[KiKi'sMommy]

I've been thinking about this lately. When I feel guilty about not living up to some arbitrary standard I have in my head, I've started asking where the standard comes from. After all, we can't really judge the job we are doing as parents if we don't know what our goals are.

Here is what I've started to go through in my head (taking your dinner example): What value would you be failing to teach your son by not eating dinner together? Do you really value that? Are you getting it elsewhere? For example, if it ultimately comes down to togetherness, and you do value that, are you getting good family together time in other ways? If so, then he isn't really missing out on something you consider important. If not, how can you start doing a better job.

Anyway, I know that isn't really what you asked, but I just thought it was interesting because I've been thinking about this very topic a lot lately.

This is actually a very interesting line of thought. Sometimes I have to really think about what is actually important to ME, as opposed to the way I was taught or the way my parents did things. I adore my parents and I believe they were very progressive in their parenting, but there are still things that I do differently either by choice or simply by our lifestyle itself. It is so hard to separate what is actually really important versus what other people think should be important to us. I have noticed the older I get and the older my kids get, it has become a little easier to focus on what is really important to me and to us as a family.

[kdotp]

I don't really remember much in elementary school, but in middle and high school the only meals my entire family consistently sat down to eat together for was Saturday and Sunday lunches. Supper on weeknights was often fend for yourself because my mom worked later and my dad had to take care of the farm chores. Plus, my sisters and I were very involved in extracurricular activities and it was rare that we were all at home at the same time. By all other means, we were a "traditional" family, and my parents were/are very loving, caring parents.

So now, it's sometimes difficult for me to cook an elaborate supper meal for DH, DS and I on weeknights. DH, otoh, almost always had a sit-down, family meal for every meal, so it's more his request we sit at the table.

DH is back at his parents helping his dad out in the fields for a few days so DS and my supper last night consisted of PB&J (him) and salad (me) along with baked chips, broccoli and dip and brownies. This was consumed while sitting on the couch in the living room watching some random tv show that was probably not on Disney, Nickelodian or Qubo (though, I think it was Antiques Roadshow, so it was somewhat educational at least). I think tonight we're going to get some good bonding time by walking around Target. :p

So far, at age 2, I see my son as a very active, happy, social, funny, sweet toddler, so we must be doing something okay. Of course, that will probably change in about 12 years and I'll wonder where that surley teenager came from. We do the best we can, and that's all we can do.

[Adaya]

I had a pretty non-traditional upbringing as my mom raised me and most of my childhhood we lived with my aunt. So she was sorta like my 2nd mom. My mom worked two jobs sometimes, so I would hang out with my aunt a lot. Sometimes dinner would be at the table, but it could be alone or with my mom or both her and my aunt. In general, my mom winged it along the way, but she made it work very well.

On the other hand, my mom did her absolute best in raising me by providing a very loving and nurturing home and setting up traditions for just me and her. I'm 34 years old and those little things are still special to me and I hope to pass them on to my future child. She also made sure that I was exposed to all sorts of things with dance and theater having the most impact.

All that being said, I think I turned out to be pretty fabulous! :D

[Kelly's Girl]

Sometimes I have to really think about what is actually important to ME, as opposed to the way I was taught or the way my parents did things. I adore my parents and I believe they were very progressive in their parenting, but there are still things that I do differently either by choice or simply by our lifestyle itself.
EXACTLY. Megande, I think your post is very insightful, and exactly what I have thought of, often, and failed to convey here.

For example, my mom once made the comment that my bro and SIL eat out a lot, as is there lifestyle. Well, my dad travelled so when he was home, he wanted a home-cooked meal, and restaurants were for special occasions only. Now that I'm grown up (?) I don't consider them a "birthday only" thing and we get take-out, or eat out quite a bit. It just suits us.

In general, my mom winged it along the way, but she made it work very well.
This is pretty much how I feel about my own style of parenting, since I get itchy at the thought of spending Sundays cooking and freezing food for the week, and such like that.

I think that nurturing a child, in any environment, is essential, and having a nuclear family doesn't ensure a well-adjusted kid. It's just that's all I've known and don't seem to be passing along the strictures of my upbringing to DS. However, like PP have said, maybe that's b/c it's not that critical to me.