Do you/your SO keep in contact with an ex?

[jenny0505]

I'm curious to see if you or your SO still maintain any form of contact with an ex. My friend's husband emails occasionally with his ex, who is also married, and she (my friend) is surprisingly okay with this even though she doesn't know the woman. Although I trust my husband completely, I don't know that I would be comfortable with that situation at all. Her husband reconnected with this woman through Facebook or LinkedIn or one of those sites. Am I really conservative in thinking this correspondence is inappropriate?

I searched and can't find a thread like this. Feel free to point me there if one exists.

[j*east]

Very sporadically...one went to my college and we get together with other college people now and then, though it was a pretty mild relationship. Another time we got together with an ex and his wife and it was just uncomfortable--not because we were exes, but because we don't have much in common anymore. I let that friendship die a natural death.

It really depends on what makes each couple comfortable, though. To each his/her own. Email could mean everything, or absolutely nothing, depending on the people involved.

[imagirliegirl]

I talk to 2 of my exes, one of them is my ex-fiance. He's married now, as am I, so our conversations are really boring. We talk through email maybe twice a month and the extent of our conversations are about school and jobs.

My husband doesn't talk to his exes. No particular reason. He didn't date that many girls and none were for long periods of time so...I actually asked him once why he didn't talk to any of them and he said he doesn't really care what they are doing. Whatever floats his boat.

The guys I talk to were the 2 most serious relationships I had and I maintained casual "friendships" with them after the breakup. My husband doesn't care - he knows I'm not up to anything. They were important to me at a time in my life, so I like to hear what they are up to from time to time. No biggie. If he had girls like that he wanted to talk to I wouldn't care.

To be honest, if he wanted to be huffy because I talked to an ex through Facebook or something like that it would seriously irritate me. I don't do well with insecurity. I wouldn't have married him if I wanted one of my exes so he has no reason to have a problem with it.

I would only have an issue with it (and vice versa) if it was being hidden for some reason.

[Jen309]

I think it would depend largely on how open he/she is with the correspondence. I used to write letters back and forth to a male friend (not an ex though) the whole time DH and I were dating and even for a while when we were married - we even met up with him during our honeymoon! BUT when I noticed DH looking a little put out when I'd get the letters in the mail, I'd share them, and even let him read them if he wanted (he usually did:p). I never told my friend I let DH read them, but there was never anything in them excruciatingly personal anyway.

I'd say that if the relationship is being kept secretive or "personal", there could be cause for concern, otherwise if the wife/husband is ok with it, then it's ok.

All that being said, I do keep my ears perked up when DH is on the phone (his medium for keeping in touch) with co-workers or fomerly close girl friends. I do trust him implicitly, I just don't always trust them ;)

[PalmBch2002]

We keep in touch with almost all of my ex's...DH's not so much. We are actually the godparents of my ex before DH. I never had a 'nasty' breakup with anyone though and maintained friendships with each one. In fact, out of our 8 groomsmen, 3 of them were past BF of mine. With each relationship I had, we were just each mature enough to break it off in a civilized manor, knowing that we just weren't for each other in the long run. DH was a little awkward with the ones we're godparents to but after going out a few times and realizing how similar he and the other guy were and how great of a person he is, he got over it and just accepted them as friends. Now roles reversed, DH has bad breakups so even he doesn't speak with past flings.

But I think it's different for everyone, some people have different views and it can be an awkward situation for them.

[ManteoChik]

Considering we've been together since high school, any relationship I had before him wasn't very significant. But being that its a pretty small town, its not uncommon to run into ex's around here. In fact, I've got a friend's wedding coming up and I would venture to bet that there will be at least one there. We don't "keep in contact" though but if we see each other we do a polite hello and ask how they are doing.

I do know several people that parted amicably from their ex's and its not unusual to keep in touch.

[Dizzy]

My husband's ex actually stood up in our wedding ;) so, yes, he is in regular contact with her. She's a great girl, though, and I trust both of them. Maybe that's naive, but I can either trust or not trust, and I choose to trust.

Besides her, we both have sporadic email and/or facebook contact with quite a few exes. I find nothing wrong with it. These were important people in our lives at one time, and there's no need (in our case) to delete them completely as if they never existed.

[MichelleRenee]

Nope. I only have 1 ex from a serious relationship and I haven't spoken with him since things ended 5 years ago. He contacted me last year through myspace and I did not respond.

DH has a few exes that weren't really serious relationships that we see on occasion (one is a friend of my sis) but he is not in contact with them specifically.

I would think it is weird. I know that when my ex contacted me saying he was just wondering how I am doing and wants to be friends that his true intention was to get back into my head and somehow win me back. I don't know if he is still an alcoholic or not but I wouldn't be surprised if he was drunk when he contacted me. As far as DH's exes, I don't think he ever got serious enough with anyone else for it to even be an issue.

I think some ties are better left severed.

[mrschica]

I've only been in contact with my most serious ex (an ex-fiance) because I want some stuff back that I left in his house. It's been 4 years since our split, and he still hasn't sent me the last two items I'm asking for which are personal heirlooms, not just crap I can replace unfortunately. :rolleyes:

It's civil and sporadic and only has to do with my things, as soon as I get them, I'll end the emails. I have no interest in getting personal, I really don't care what he's up to and as a form of respect for my husband that is important to me, I don't have any interest in talking to any ex of any kind. I know it would be innocent and I know my husband trusts me, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. Then again that's part of my personality, I'm not a nostalgic person and don't quite understand the whole concept of reminiscing as far as relationships go, or the past in general. I'm a very here and now person, and so, old relationships, people from the past, etc. don't have a place in my life. I don't seek anyone out and usually reject anyone who seeks me out. It's just...weird for me. I'm not who I was 4 years ago, I like to constantly evolve and do the whole self-discovery thing, so I guess I feel that I have little in common with the past and people from it, or maybe I'm just lazy to do the whole catching up thing.

DH doesn't talk to his exes either, they tried contacting him on MySpace and he didn't respond then later deleted his account. He said he had no interest in talking to them and felt it would be pointless so, we're pretty much on the same page as far as exes go and I'm happy with our arrangement.

[Anna Low]

So strange that this topic came up today. I got an email from a very old BF - I haven't seen him in at least 20 years. Nothing more than hope you are well and that he was taking a new job. But, it was a bit weird nonetheless.

[karlatta]

I keep in contact with one of my exes, but it's not frequent. We usually email once or twice a year, and only for specific purposes - not really just to chat. I last emailed him when I found out when our high school reunion would be and wanted to make sure he knew, and he last emailed me when his email address changed.

One of DH's exes used to email him a few times a year, but that stopped when she got married and had a baby.

[dreamgirly]

Yes, I keep in touch with a couple of mine. One was a 3-yr relationship and we basically "grew up" together. I was a groomsmaid in his wedding, he was a groomsman in mine. DH knows him and we go visit/stay with them at least once per year. Our 'relationship' now is a close set of couple-friends, we can tell them anything and know that they support us in our decisions 100%, as we do them.

Another ex lives 3,000 miles away, and DH has never met him, but knows of him and knows that I email him every other month or so. It's no big deal. This ex is married, has 2 kids, etc so we just keep in touch through the years.

DH's ex's-- not at all. One was manipulative, have no idea where she is, and he is not the least bit curious. Another was super conservatively-religious, and DH just couldn't hang with that.

[miaclear]

DH keeps in contact with a HS girlfriend, probably every few months or so. They always treat each other to lunch on their birthdays.

Myself....not really. Although DH didn't mind me keeping in contact with a guy I dated while we were on a "break". I haven't talked to him in awhile....think I'll email him. Thanks for reminding me ;)

[PinkMartini]

Nope. Neither of us keep in contact with ex's, my theory is they are ex's for a reason ;)

[maxandmolly]

I used to have a couple that I kept in contact with, and was supposedly friends with. One died a natural death due to lack of contact on both our parts. The other I ended up living with as "roommates" but it ended abruptly, painfully, and loudly. So since then, no.

[emmjay]

I keep in touch with one guy with whom I had a casual relationship in college - we were/are in the same group of friends so it would be hard not to keep in touch even if that's what we wanted! I keep in touch with another guy with whom I had a more serious/complicated relationship, but we don't see each other regularly (we did go to each others' weddings). DH knows both of them and is fine with it.

My longest-term boyfriend except for DH emails me now and then. I'm not really interested in keeping in touch with him - I don't hate him or anything, but I just don't want to bother. He lives in the same town as one of my best friends, and whenever they run into each other, my ex accosts my friend and asks how I'm doing and how to get in touch with me. That's more annoying to me than getting an email here and there.

[jenahdawn]

If you count two of them on my myspace FL which I check once every few weeks and they don't send me message and I don't send them messages, then, yes, I am in contact.

Otherwise, I really could care less what any of them are up to.

[Ribbit]

I keep in touch with a couple of exes...the ones that are "good guys, bad match" not "bad guys, great sex." :p Mostly it's just major life catch up stuff; new wives, jobs, kids, etc. I always like to know what people are doing in life, as long as they weren't total assholes. Sometimes I'm even curious about the assholes. :D ;)

I don't have a husband or boyfriend right now, but I've never been one to be jealous or worry about contact with exes. Maybe divorce has made me jaded, but I believe if you want to be with me, you will, and if you don't, you won't. I'm not going to waste time and energy worrying about what *might* happen if you're talking to someone it didn't work out with in the first place.

[tenofcups]

We both keep in touch with some. In fact, the person who introduced us was one of my best friends who was also a best friend of DH -- and he happened to be an ex- of mine. Through the years, I've kept in touch with numerous exes for years, but since I've moved out of NYC, most of the contact has fallen by the wayside. Still, there are some who I can see reconnecting with at some point, as business contacts if nothing else.

DH keeps in touch sporadically with one serious ex-girlfriend -- I think they talk once or twice a year. I know he also emails occasionally with another ex. He had also kept in touch with his first wife (divorced at least 15 years ago) *and* her current husband until he mentioned her to his mother a couple of years ago and was shocked to discover that his mother and sister were still furious with the ex for certain behavior during/after the divorce that he had not been aware of. So he cut most ties with her, though I wouldn't be surprised if we run into her one day since her husband still has business connections with DH.

[Niobe]

I keep in contact with one - we dated off and on for a while when we were 19, good friends who kept trying to make it more. We finally figured out we needed to quit doing that. ;) We mostly just keep in touch via MySpace.

J keeps in contact with 2 of his exes from high school, through email and Facebook.

All of these exes are halfway across the country, and neither of us have actually seen them in person in many years.

[Belm]

Nope. We both don't have any need to. Now, we both stay in contact with one of my sister's exs. She also hears from him once in a while.

[imagirliegirl]

Funny this thread came up yesterday. My ex contacted me because he needed advice about his new girlfriend. :p

[Renrel]

Yes.

My college boyfriend and I were very serious and everyone assumed we would get married. My parents became very close to him. When we broke up ex wanted to maintain that relationship and I agreed. Ex is married with three kids now. He sends me a card or letter every now and then. He stopped my my apartment a few years back when I had just had a baby and he was in town and introduced his kids. He often visits my family if he is in town and and his whole family stopped by my parents home recently to visit when DH, DS and I were home to visit. The visit was suprisingly easy and pleasant concidering I had never met his wife before. Ex's kids were recently bar/bat mizvahed and my parents were invited and attended the event even though it was way out of town for them. Ex even honored my father with a special part in the service. DH by the way has no problem with this. He thinks it a bit odd at times but has no problem with it. Oh, I graduated from college in the 1980's, so this has been going on for a long time. I think Ex is a very special person and I am glad he is still a part of our lives, even if I did not feel we were meant to be married.

I also see a more recent ex (we dated maybe 10-15 years ago, not long before I started dating DH) at parties held by mutual friends and we also converse a bit. There is no issue here either.

DH keeps in touch with one ex and has looked to her for relationship advice at times. We both attended her wedding while we were dating. I have no problem with this relationship either. Though for what it is worth he has always said that the romanic relationship never really worked for them and they just turned into friends.

In general I am not a jealous person (envyous often but not jealous). I tend to think of ex's as part of the needed experience my boyfriends and now husband needed to become the men/man that I love and thus see reason to thank them. I assume many things I like/love in these men were taught to them by these woman. I have always felt pretty secure however in the affection of my men and that probably helps.

[thyme]

We both have casual friendships with exes. Really casual, as in a Christmas card and maybe two emails a year. But they're people we either grew up with or went to college with, and we've kept them all along. I would be somewhat bothered if some ex that I/he wasn't in contact with all of a sudden popped up via Facebook and wanted to be friendly.

[kindermom]

I keep in contact with one ex as we parted ways as good friends. DH has met him and likes him too. DH has heard from one of his exes which does not bother me at all. I think the key is that we are transparent in our conversations. I will frequently forward emails to him and he does the same.

[Kimberland30]

Nope. He doesn't have any exes that he would want to keep in contact with.

I've run into exes before, one was driving by my house and stopped to chat (a friend of his lives around the corner from me). Another who moved to Florida years ago contacted me by phone out of the blue.

I didn't initiate the contact, and told my DH about it. I can't see me keeping in touch with anyone that I dated. I just don't want to. :)

[Neen]

Yes, because we have 2 kids together. But it's only to talk about the kids!

[TX Sweetheart]

DH's ex-girlfriend is on his MySpace friends list but they rarely message each other except on birthdays or when she had a baby. I met her once at a band anniversary thing (DH & his ex were in band together in high school)... she's really nice and happily married and I trust both her and my DH completely.

My first boyfriend and I spoke every day for 2 years after we broke up, but that's only because we went to high school together and ended up in almost every single class together. The one after that I only spoke to once after we broke up, when he IMed me out of the blue... to tell me he was gay. My ex-fiance and I haven't spoken since we broke up, but I did keep in touch with his mom and sister for awhile.

[Lizard]

DH talks to his ex-wife a few times a year via e-mail, just basically him responding to her mass emails about having another baby or moving or something. Not a big deal to me at all, they're just being pleasant to each other.

I don't talk to my ex-boyfriends... no reason to.

[diam124]

My DH used to hang out with a high school girlfriend of his almost every time he went home (during college and post-college). I met her a couple times and she was very nice, but it drove me nuts that he hung out with her. They'd go out to dinner or to movies (which seemed very date-like to me). Anyway, we were together 7 years before we got married and of course he wanted her to come to our wedding. Before the wedding I was going over the guest list (she did come to the wedding) and I said something like "Isn't it going to be weird for your high school girlfriend to come to our wedding?". DH was like :eek: "We never dated - why would you think that?". For YEARS I thought she was an ex-girlfriend and apparently it was always platonic. I could not believe it - I guess he never explicitly said that they had dated, I just always assumed they did (prom dates, etc.).

So no, we don't keep in touch with ex'es. My Mom still keeps in touch with my sister's high school boyfriend (almost 20 years later!). My sister doesn't though. He has been very successful in Hollywood (which is funny because he was a big dork in high school). He always said he was going to move to LA and be famous and he thanks my Mom for always encouraging him to not give up.

[Scooter]

I don't.

DH's ex got in touch last year from facebook, and I was uncomfortable with it at first. But all that it's turned into is an occassional "how are you & the family" type emails, and they sometimes check out each others' family blogs. Since we live fr away from them and everyone involved is happily married with kids, I'm not concerned and don't think it's inappropriate at all. I did tell DH that I'm not interested in meeting up with her at any point and he said basically HELL no, he doesn't want to start hanging out with her if she's in town. :)

I think in your friend's situation, it all depends on the level of involvement. It could go either way, but just because they email sometimes doesn't make it inappropriate--especially if he's being open with his wife about the correspondence.

[ivansbabe]

My DH and I spend time now and again with his ex girlfriend. They dated years ago. She has since married (as did he obviously ;) ) and had a child. At first I didn't like hanging out with her but she was part of a large group of people that were all friends so it was hard to avoid. I'm okay with it now, but there are times that I'm like, what did you see in her?!

[jenny0505]

Thanks for sharing, everyone. I guess it does largely depend on the specific situation. I think where I would feel uncomfortable with my friend's situation is that she doesn't know the woman, and wouldn't have the chance to ever meet her (ex lives hundreds of miles away). Like someone else said, it's not so much trusting my husband but trusting this other woman's intentions.

In any case, I suppose reconnecting (or attempting to reconnect) with people from one's past is probably pretty common now with the popularity of MySpace and similar sites.

[imagirliegirl]

I don't get the whole "I trust him I just don't trust her" argument.

Doesn't trusting your husband mean you trust him to tell a woman to back off if she's being inappropriate and also cease communication with her? If he is trustworthy it shouldn't really matter what someone else's intentions are...

I actually had an ex tell me he was still in love with me (he wasn't - he's just a weirdo control freak) so I told him I wouldn't be talking to him anymore. Then I told my husband "I won't be talking to Bob anymore, he thinks he's still in love with me". And we had a big laugh at his expense. :D

[jenny0505]

I trust my husband to do the right thing if he ever finds himself in a compromising situation (being hit on at a bar, running into an old girlfiend at a reunion, for example). I guess I wouldn't want to invite that type of situation into his life by having him intentionally correspond with an old flame who I know nothing about.

[imagirliegirl]

I guess I wouldn't want to invite that type of situation into his life by having him intentionally correspond with an old flame who I know nothing about.

Couldn't you just ask him though? I dunno, I just don't get why you have to actually KNOW her to be able to trust he is capable of doing the right thing. I do not need to meet all of my husband's ex-girlfriends to know he isn't going to do anything dishonorable. Get what I mean?

[jenny0505]

I suppose. It's all pretty hypothetical in my situation, as neither I nor my husband do keep in touch with an ex. I think I'd feel more comfortable with him keeping in touch if we were both friends or acquaintances with her. For him to have a relationship (platonic or otherwise) with someone of the opposite sex who I have never met, or will never meet, seems a little secretive and strange to me.

Most of my friends who do keep in touch with exes do so on such a limited basis, like holiday cards or baby announcements, that I just don't really see the point. My friend's situation is one where her DH's ex contacted him 10+ years after their last meeting. For me, the people I really care about stay in my life fairly consistently. Those who drift off for long stretches aren't ones who I see any reason to dredge up years later. After so much time I would just wonder, why the curiousity? I question the intent of the ex in getting in touch after so many years have gone by.

[Scooter]

My friend's situation is one where her DH's ex contacted him 10+ years after their last meeting. For me, the people I really care about stay in my life fairly consistently. Those who drift off for long stretches aren't ones who I see any reason to dredge up years later. After so much time I would just wonder, why the curiousity? I question the intent of the ex in getting in touch after so many years have gone by.

Wait a minute, you've never had a friend that you lost touch with over the years?? Someone moved, you lost their phone number or email addresses...whatever.

I've had several friends where either one or both of us moved away, got busy with our own lives/careers etc and we lost touch. Three of them in fact have found me through social networking sites, and I was really happy that they sought me out and emailed so we could get back in touch. I don't think that is unusual or suspicious in any way. If your friend's husband was on friendly terms with his ex and they've both moved on and grown up, it's not necessarily any more suspicious than any other friend contacting him after a long time. Especially if her emails have been platonic and respectful of his wife.

[jenny0505]

Sure, I've lost touch with friends and acquaintances over time. But if I let someone drift away from me for 10 or more years, I wouldn't really consider them that close a friend. Ten years is a long time to lose track of someone who means a lot to you on any level. I mean, what would we have to say after rehashing a few funny memories from way back when and catching up on babies, weddings, and other small talk? This would be my feeling on any friend, regardless of gender. Again, for me, I just don't understand the motivation for getting in touch after so much time has lapsed, in particular when your last exchange was not platonic.

[Kristy]

Nope. Neither of us keep in contact with ex's, my theory is they are ex's for a reason ;)

Ditto.

[hdewey]

My man always kept in touch with his ex wife. When our relationship became serious i put a stop to that. Contact by phone and email every day? No reason for it. He did'nt understand at first, but i think he does now.

[AmyE]

We both keep in touch with exs, and I have no issue with it. I think I've met most of them, but not all. And nope, it doesn't bother me. Different strokes and all that, I guess.

I'm the kind of person who would have dumped DH early in our relationship if he had any tendencies to be jealous or tell me who I could or couldn't be friends with, and ditto for him. works for us.