Did you marry someone your friends and family didn't accept for you?

[jeepgirl]

My brother is visiting and last night he and my husband and myself were up late talking about this very thing. A relative of ours married someone who her friends and family did not think was a good match for her, and, although they are still married, she's been very depressed and has admitted to those of us close to her she wishes she had listened and realized why people had concern. Now, a very close friend of ours is dating a guy who we've all known since he was born. He is now 23. Our friend, who is now 28, we've also known since she was 6. We all are shocked that they are together, and can't in a million years see that she would be happy with him as a husband. Although they aren't married yet, I've spoken with my friend, and that is her intent in dating the guy. She is very close to her parents and they are beside themselves with worry. Its caused a rift between them. Also, to the best of our knowledge, and most of our friends are mutual, every single one of our friends is concerned for her future happiness. Not one person, after spending time with the guy as her "boyfriend" has felt positive about the relationship. I don't think anyone means to "bash" the guy she's dating, just that the combination of the two of them has future disaster written all over it. If they do get married, I really, truly hope we're all wrong. She's a total sweetheart. And, while I think in and of himself he is a "nice" guy, I'm afraid her ultimate unhappiness in him would make him unhappy in the long run too.

Did any of you marry someone your friends and family did not accept or "approve" of for you? Did it end up turning out well/good?

[ManteoChik]

My best friend had been dating her now DH for a couple of years, starting her senior year of high school (he had already graduated two years before). He was known as a total asshole, and not many people like him - unless you were one of his handful of guy friends. He was just cocky and rude and no one could figure out what on earth she saw in him. After graduation they continued to date, and she went to college about 2 hours away. A couple years later (while in school) she found out she was PG - and they decided to get married and keep the baby. While he had grown on me (as a person) over the past couple of years I DID NOT think it was a good idea for them to get married, and her to quit school. They just celebrated their 3rd anniversary (now have 2 kids) and its been a roller coaster ride. The first two years were ridiculous.....and every other day she wanted a divorce. It boiled down to them being young and getting married for all the wrong reasons but they both come from traditional homes. Things are better more often but their are still those moments.

SO and I started dating in high school, and have been together for 8 years now. My mom *hated* him. It had nothing to do with the type of person he was, only the fact that he was 3 years older than me. There was lots of drama but I wouldn't stand for her opinion....here we are 2 years later. She did admit to me last year that she never saw the good things he did - like keeping me from turning into a party animal like the rest of my friends (he doesn't drink or do anything like that).

[ShamrockBride]

DH and I got together my senior year of H.S. and my best friend immediately did not like him, turned out though with her it was more she missed my time, she didnt like him because he took time away from her, and life was changing. She has since decided that she loves him almost as much as she loves me :)
My mother is another story, the whole time we dated she bashed my DH, and told me I needed to be with someone else. The day I bought my wedding dress she looked at me and said "you know who I would have chosen"
I told her if she didnt like who I was marrying she didnt have to come to the wedding.
Luckily I havent heard anymore comments like that. I dont know why she doesnt like him, why she wanted me with that other man, except that she said something about them giving me a life and DH not.... Helllo law student, yeah we're broke now, but someday he will have a good job, and he'll take care of me, right now its my turn to take care of him

[karlatta]

Most of my DH's family does not approve of me. :( I am not anything like who they would have "picked" for DH, but that's okay - we've been married almost 6 years and our marriage is one of the strongest I know. They were looking for him to marry someone like them (outgoing, liberal, etc.) and he married someone like himself (reserved, quiet, etc.). I think they just wanted someone new in the family to go party with, and I am certainly not that person.

[boilermaker]

My family, incl myself, was not at all thrilled with my sister's husband. It was a bad situation all around but it was all my sister could see at the time. She knew we weren't exactly thrilled. But, during her marriage, we supported her, treated her DH as we would have treated any member of the family. And when they had a very messy divorce after 14 yrs of marriage, there were no "I told you sos". Just support and understanding.

[diam124]

Well, my DH and I were college sweethearts and my best friend from high school (who also went to college with us) hated him. Actually, the hate part was mutual. I still have no idea why except that I was spending more time with him than with her and maybe she was jealous about that? It's really a shame the way everything happened but we do not keep in touch at all. I actually did send her an email a few years ago letting her know about our high school reunion because she wasn't on the Evite list. She didn't reply (but she did end up going and I didn't). I was surprised that she didn't respond. I was ready to bury the hatchet but apparently there is still animosity on her end.

[Chimichanga]

My parents aren't thrilled with my DH, but they do love him. They like him as a person and as a husband for someone. However, he doesn't have a lot of motivation, which I know upsets my dad. They both recognize he's a good man, but they wished I would have found someone a bit more motivated.

That said, they have only made their feelings known to me and not in a negative way. My mom said it once and hasn't mentioned it again.

But, they know I love him and will stand by him. He's good for me (except he's not super motivated) and I'm good for him.

[Amaye]

Yep. I did.

My parents/siblings (some) did not like DH. However they did not even know him. It was all a matter of culture/countries. We came from different countries/cultures and my traditional parents & sisters did not agree with that. My dad and sisters did not attend the wedding and my mom was there only after 3mths of hellish fighting between us. Actually my mom tried a lot of psychological crap to stop the wedding but that's a whole different topic

Five years later, our marriage is going strong. It has been very rough with my family as DH is one not to forgive/forget easily (neither am I) but it's getting better.

[jeepgirl]

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone.

In any potential marriage I would not expect 100% support from ALL one's friends and family to like the person. It seems like there is always one or two people that may not like your choice and you just cannot please everybody. In my case, all of my friends and almost all of my family liked my DH. There was still one person, an aunt of mine, that sat me down and talked to me because of her own set of concerns and I did listen to what she had to say. So she was the person I did not "please," but, everyone else that knew both of us thought we really complimented each other well and would be wonderfully compatible, including both of our parents. I guess what I'm talking about is when a large percentage of your family and friends express concern. Would that scenario make you stop and think? Or would you/have you had an experience where, even though those closest to you felt you were making a mistake, you went ahead anyway, and what was the outcome.

[DallasLady]

My mother and stepfather "disowned" me for continuing to date my then boyfriend, now DH. I was 20 at the time, and they cut me off financially (stopped paying my college tuition and no longer gave me any assistance whatsoever). They did not like him because he is white, I am black and he is 14 years older than me.

We ended up getting married a year later. It has been 8 years since all the drama started, and they have gotten over it. Especially when I had DD. DH and I have a very good marriage, and I think they can see that now. I wouldn't go so far as to say they like him, but, we don't see them much anyway (once a year maybe) so it works out fine.

[Kimberland30]

Some of my friends (who are no longer my friends) didn't like DH when they got to know him. He is cocky and arrogant at times, but it's all a ruse. I don't take his crap - and he doesn't take mine. We feed off eachother and have a strong relationship that gets better all the time. We'll be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary this month, and have been together almost 6 years. My family loves him though, and I do too and that is all that mattered.

I've found through experience that when a family member or close friend marries someone I don't necessarily like, or isn't a good match for them, it's only my opinion. It's easy for me to pass judgement on someone I don't have an emotional or physical bond with. Lord knows I've dated my fair share of losers while my friends cringed at our relationship. I've learned to accept "to each their own" and not let it interfere with my own life.

[PinkMartini]

I'm pretty sure I wasn't my IL's (and not just FIL/MIL - BILs/SILs included) 'first choice' of a wife for DH... I have a horribly dysfunctional family, had a very rough childhood and DH's family is 'perfect' (or so they like to think) :rolleyes:

They might've lucked out and we might've not gotten married, had I not gotten pregnant....

[HeatherH]

My parents never gave my then boyfriend (now DH) the time of day. He was not 'allowed' to go over to their house, and my mom actively tried to break our relationship up. The reason is they are very religious and couldn't get over the fact that we were living together. It was the biggest sin in their eyes. Because they were so bent about that, they never took the time to get to know him. Things were rough all the way up until the wedding. Oh, side note, he asked them for their blessing to marry me and they said no!!! :eek:
It wasn't until we got married that everything was 'OK'. I don't understand why a piece of paper made the difference. Since we've been married (3.5 years) they have gotten to know him and really like him now. If only they had given him a chance 10 years ago when we got together..... :rolleyes:

[laura]

If you are asking us to tell you what you could do to get your friend to not marry this guy, or not want to marry this guy, then I would say nothing. You can express your concerns, once, but if she does not heed them, then it is your choice to distance yourself from the situation or support your friend in the situation she is choosing to be in. There is nothing you can or should do to stop them from being together. Trust me, I've been there.

One of my friends married an absolute bastard. And yes, now she is miserable in her marriage. And yes, my heart breaks every day for her that she is so unhappy. But ultimately, she has done this to herself, and she continues to keep doing it to herself. They are talking about having kids, and even though she doesn't love him, she views this as her opportunity at happiness and she is very excited about it. It is a very flawed situation, but it is not MY situation. I am honest with her about my feelings, if she asks, but I don't beat her over the head with it.

Also - my brother married someone that no one in my family liked. We are only lukewarm on her now and they have been married for 11 years and they have 2 kids together. But again, it isn't OUR decision.

[meggiedarlin]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Prior to my marriage, my sister, my cousin, and her partner held an "intervention" where they listed off every one of my (now) DH's sins (real or imagined). I sat there and listened, told them I loved him and that they needed to get to know the real him. I went home and told him what had happened and he was hurt beyond belief.

My sister refused to apologize to me, stating that she needed an apology from my DH. Huh???!!!! Finally she broke down, wrote us both letters apologizing to each of us. My DH says she did it to save face at the wedding. I forgave her, but I'll never forget. How can I forget when she said to me, "I'll be the one to pick up the pieces after this ends."??!! Following our wedding ceremony, I had to be the one to approach her.

My sister and I used to be super close. Now we're not. She backed me into a corner and she has to live with the consequences.

My cousin and her partner? We exchanged e-mails and they refused to apologize either, saying that I asked for it (because after I left my 1st husband, I said, "I wish I had seen it earlier."). Their apology: "We're sorry you feel that way." That's not an apology. I terminated our relationship telling them that I only want that which is positive in my life. I also gave up my role as godmother to their 1-year old daughter.

Do I regret my decisions? No way! I have a wonderful husband. We compliment each other in ways that most people don't see. Do I miss the relationship I had with my sister? A little. But I have now come to see how controling and judgemental and negative she is. I'm trying not to feed into that. We moved into a new house 3 months ago. She lives 10 minutes from me and I haven't invited her over yet. Like I said, there are consequences.

To the OP, I guess you need to weigh everything out. Does your friend complain about her SO? (I never did, nor do I. I don't have reasons to complain about my DH, which made the "intervention" so puzzling to me). Is she in an abusive situation? No? Then keep mum.

I don't know what the future will bring for my DH and I, all I know is that I am VERY thankful I found him and decided to share my life with him.

[MichelleRenee]

I didn't, but my sister did. At 17 she started dating a guy who had 3 kids with 3 women, no job and was just an all-around scum-bag. We told her not to date him, she didn't listen. By 18 (but still in HS!) she was pregnant. We begged her not to marry him but 2 months after her baby was born she did. After 8 months of her working two full time jobs and him not working at all (in addition to other assorted drama) she finally asked for a divorce. When she did he took their son, filed a (bogus) restraining order against my whole family and led us through a year of hell during which we RARELY saw my nephew, we all missed his first birthday (including my sis), and they had court date after court date. Then out of nowhere the guy decided to move to another state with his new girlfriend and gave full custody to my sister. (yeah, after months of claiming she was an unfit parent....) Several months after that he signed over all rights to avoid child support and we haven't heard from him since.

It was a very difficult few years for all involved but looking back, as painful as they were, they were her mistakes to make and the outcome would have been much different had we tried to intervene much more. We did what we could without being "the bad guys" and in the end it was US she came to for support and our family is closer than ever after having gone through all of it. It is hard to watch someone you love make a mistake but there is only so much you can do when it comes to stuff like this.

[gardenmommy]

My family, incl myself, was not at all thrilled with my sister's husband. It was a bad situation all around but it was all my sister could see at the time. She knew we weren't exactly thrilled. But, during her marriage, we supported her, treated her DH as we would have treated any member of the family. And when they had a very messy divorce after 14 yrs of marriage, there were no "I told you sos". Just support and understanding.

I could have written that post word for word, accept my sister was married for about 16-17 years.

I also couldn't stand my brothers wife from the time they started dating until just a few years ago (maybe 18 years) and now I genuinely love her. All I can say was that I disliked her for stupid reasons and was young. I'm so glad I gave her a second chance and saw the things in her that my brother loved.

[ladybug777]

My DH is dealing w/ this same situation, as a good friend of his is engaged to a girl that neither of us likes very much. Actually, who am I kidding, we can't stand her. Most of his friends can't.

That being said, I've cautioned my DH about saying anything to his friend. If his friend asks for his opinion about his fiance, then that's one thing. I would think that he should be honest in his feelings. But to just confront his friend and say that he doesn't like his fiance....Basically, all that will lead to is my DH being the odd guy out. When they do get married, my DH will be "that guy who doesn't like my wife." Eventually, the akwardness of that situation will ruin their friendship. It would be the same as if his friends told him that they didn't approve of me. We're married now and have been for 6 years. Do you think those same guys "who don't like my wife" would be welcome in our home or coming over to hang out? Noooooo.

So I caution against gettting involved unless it's something so serious that you HAVE to say something.

[jeepgirl]

It is certainly her decision. About four months ago she called me to ask for advice. That is the one and only time I have given it. Other than that, I've not brought my concerns up to her once. She cried on the phone the night she called and said that, even though I was not convinced he was and is a good choice for her, at least I was willing to talk it out with her and give my reasons for concern, in her words, in a "non-judgemental" way. I don't know that I am non-judgemental about it since I've known her boyfriend since he was born, know his entire family, and use to babysit him, etc. but, I did try to explain my concerns to her since she asked me. I am thankful she took it in a good way at the time.

I only started this thread to see if going against a majority of your friends and family regarding a marriage partner worked out for anyone. It sounds like it has for some of you. I'm trying to "feel out" the possibility of hope for her. My brother is one of the kindest persons I know, and we talked about it for the first time last night since he knows both the families too, and that is why it was on my mind this morning. We certainly don't intend for it to be a frequent topic of conversation. We realize it is her life, and that's that. It doesn't mean I'm not concerned for her happiness though. I hope that makes sense.

[mamax2]

Oh, side note, he asked them for their blessing to marry me and they said no!!!

Oh, this totally happened to one of my friends as well! They just celebrated their 6th anniversary and had a baby a few months ago. To this day, I can't think of any of our mutual friends from college that have grown to like the guy. We have NEVER told her this. IMO, unless there's abuse or cheating or something unsafe going on, it's pointless to butt in unless asked. Even then you have to be super careful or else you risk losing your friend in the end.

I don't really know how to define if something like this can 'work' because I think it depends on how you define success. For me, cutting off ties with my family would be devastating. I honestly don't know if I could be happy if it were just me and my DH but no family to turn to, kwim? I guess it's just different for everyone.

[kalogrias]

My MIL doesn't like me. She used to despise me...now it's been downgraded to mere dislike. I don't think I was what she imagined for her son -- she wanted someone she could go to church with and who would sit and grade papers with her (which I would be glad to do if she would tell me what rubric to use!) on a Sunday afternoon after a family lunch...pick out the yearly Christmas ornaments, etc. Well, her image of that came to a crashing halt when her son picked a Jewish girl to marry and told her that he didn't believe in God (not my doing...he hadn't for a while and just hadn't told her). We had to endure over a year of pure and utter slander. She was terrible. She didn't even congratulate us at our wedding -- she had threatened not to come, and, man, I wish she had listened to herself. The best pic I have from our wedding (IMO) is one of her and my best friend looking at e/o...my bf has this expression that says "bring it" and my MIL just looks like she's smelled something bad.

Besides my mother, who knew how much we loved e/o and my bf, his bf, and two of my roommates from college (both had all been very present and constant during our relationship), no one was really excited for us. My father asked me to wait. One friend told me that she hated him and would never come visit up because it would be visiting "his" house, not "our" house. All sorts of nastiness.

We've been married three years, together for almost 8, and I think our marriage is good and strong. We've had our issues, but we've always been honest with eachother and have managed to work them out. Our life has had a lot of external and situational challenges, and I think we've done well in getting through them.

The one thing that really saddens me is that, especially because we have such a strong marriage, I really feel that my MIL and other unsupportive people cheated me out of a wedding experience that was filled with love and kindness. I didn't care about the ceremony or the reception very much -- I just wanted people to have fun and to have those I loved around me. And MIL pretty much completely ruined that.

[jeepgirl]

Kalogrias - what a sad situation! I am so sorry. Your story has inspired me to be more determined to support my friend. She asked my advice once, I gave it, and that's that. Especially if they get married, I will try to be happy for her. She deserves to be happy, and I hope whatever she decides to do, that it will work out for the best for her.

~ j.

[bug]

My parents were, to put it mildly, less than thrilled to hear that I was dating/marrying my DH. After expressing their concerns to me initally, they sucked it up and realized that they weren't marrying him, I was. They realized if this was a mistake, it was mine to make. Three & a half years later, they openly admit to loving him & have been EXTREMELY supportive of both of us and everyone gets along great.

So, there can be happy endings.

On a related note, DH & I know someone who at 19 decided to marry his 18 y/o gf. Train wreck waiting to happen, everyone but the couple could see it coming miles away. We went to the wedding, we were there for them for the 3 months that they were married, and we continue to support the groom after the divorce. We DID NOT care for the bride, but chose to say nothing since it wasn't our mistake to make, and saying something would have made it harder for the groom to come back to us for support once he "saw the light of day".

[kalogrias]

Kalogrias - what a sad situation! I am so sorry. Your story has inspired me to be more determined to support my friend. She asked my advice once, I gave it, and that's that. Especially if they get married, I will try to be happy for her. She deserves to be happy, and I hope whatever she decides to do, that it will work out for the best for her.

~ j.

I'm glad :) I have never been so grateful for the people who supported me -- no matter what their views were (and, as I said, those that had really taken the time to see US liked him a lot). My mother and best friend and two roommates were my stability and my refuge and I love them so much for that. Even when things have been rough, none of them has passed judgement (and one roommate is extraordinarily judgmental, so I'm sure she was biting her tongue!), and that really made a lot of difference. I credit them with helping me get through the bad so that I could move into the good, so to speak.

[attorneymom]

My brother married someone that my family was pretty dubious about, for a lot of reasons. But once he decided to marry her, we decided to support that decision. Frankly, I grew to admire her for many reasons, although in retrospect, there was a lot that went on in their marriage that I didn't know about.

Unfortunately, their marriage ended, under pretty bad circumstances. Can I say that my family's first impressions were borne out? No, not really, because it was worse than we could have imagined.

I am proud of my family that we really accepted my ex-SIL, and made her a part of my family. If we had tried too hard to talk my brother out of the marriage in teh first place, it would have been counter-productive. Plus, I wouldn't have gotten some great nephews out of the deal!:p

[akacharlotte]

My mom was not fond of my BIL at all. They had a falling out a few years after he and my sister married and for years they barely spoke two words to each other but they finally reconciled in the 1990s. My sister and BIL have been married for 33 years.

Now if I had chose to marry my last boyfriend none of my family or friends would have approved. No one liked him, my mom especially. He was the biggest argument I had with my mom for 4 years. My mom has always had a knack for knowing the good men from the bad when it comes to the ones I've dated. With the ex I chose not to listen to her for a long time. When DH came up to meet my family I told him, "If my mom does not like you, you are history." Scared him to death but she thought he was a stand up guy. Thank goodness! :)

[Julss05]

I married someone my family didn't think I should have married. I believe it was our ages they didn't approve of. Later it was more how he treated me. After 4 years we got a divorce not because of disapproval of others but because of the poor relationship. I had many people tell me after the divorce they saw it coming but didn't feel like it was their place to say. I can respect that. I wish they said something to me earlier, but I doubt I would have listened to their opinion anyway. It took time to realize I made a mistake. Kind of felt like it was wasted time, but I would have never met my current DH who is wonderful if it weren't for the first marriage so maybe it was all supposed to happen that way!?:)

My MIL didn't care for me at first. She thought I was just after him for his money which is silly because he doesn't make a lot. His ex took off with all his belongings/money so that's where her opinion was coming from. Also her and I aren't alike at all so it took a while for us to get to know each other before we could respect each other.

My brother married someone none of us liked. She had severe emotional problems. They had kids and he felt obligated to marry her because of it even though his heart wasn't in it. I had an uh-oh moment when he told me that and told him not to marry just for the kids but he didn't listen. They have since divorced and he is engaged to someone he really loves and is happy with.

I think it can take a few bad relationships before you find someone you can really spend the rest of your life with. I don't see a problem with friends/family telling you what they think but chances are you aren't going to listen until the relationship is coming to an end. I guess some of us are bullheaded that way:p.

[Kopper]

MIL was not happy we were getting married. I can't remember if she cried or not but she was not happy that's for sure. I think she expected someone more like herself for DH. Someone who was not me. Probably 3 years ago (we will be married 6 years in Sept) MIL and FIL sat DH down and said they were wrong. The said they could see the love between us and thought we were really good together.

When DS was born she really tried to buddy up to me and still is trying. I just can't change my feelings towards her. I don't hate her by any means but I doubt I will ever think of her as "my family". Too many things happened in the past to sour my thoughts about MIL that we will never have a super close relationship.