Best Friend Cheated...

[Natasha]

My best friend cheated on her husband last night... They got married in June. Her DH has been emotionally unavailable through the whole 5 years of their relationship. They have had their good times and their really bad times. I think she was hoping that after they got married, he would make her a bigger priority and take their relationship more seriously.

Now, when she tells him she's unhappy, or wants things to change he says things like "You should have thought about that before you married me" and "If you want to leave, you take your dog and I'll take mine". She has been trying to explain to him that she doesn't feel respected or special, and does not feel like his wife. She has screamed, yelled, cried, given up, everything, and he remains indifferent. The only time he gets worked up is when she truly seems ready to leave. He's also been trying to get her pregnant since the day they got married, and went so far as to tell her "I only married you because I want to be a dad". He is also pushing really hard for them to buy a house together. She is 22 and he is 23.

Well, a week or two ago, she told me she went to visit her ex "A", the only other guy she has ever had a long term relationship with (14-16, she has been with DH since she was 17). He is coming out of a really bad marriage where his wife cheated on him with the neighbor, and they are getting divorced, but aren't divorced yet. My best friend hated this guy for years after they broke up, btu after she visited him, she was talking about how he's changed and he's a really nice guy. I knew there was trouble as soon as she told me she went to see A. He has been hung up on her since they broke up.

So, when she called me at 7 am today and said "guess what I did...", my first thought was "you cheated on DH with A". Sure enough. She also called DH first thing and told HIM what she had done. It's obvious that she did it to be self destructive and to try and give DH a wake up call. He just suggested they seperate.

I have been through a very similar situation, without the marriage part on either end. I understand how shes feeling and where she is coming from. Do I think she did the right thing? No. Do I understand why she did what she did? Yes. I told her to put BIG distance between her and A, and to put some distance between herself and DH as well. I love her and want her to be happy. I don't want her to do anything stupider than what she has done.

I guess I really just needed to vent. It's hard to stand on the sidelines, especially with someone who is so stubborn. I know she is going to do whatever she wants no matter what... I just needed to get it off my chest without gossiping to anyone who knows us... Has anyone been through somehting similar with a friend?

[daydreamer]

I think we all have been in situations in which a family member or friend has done some very stupid, self-destructive things and yes, things that crossed our own sense of right and wrong. I also think we probably all care about someone who chooses (subconsciously or not) to stay in chaos because they are more comfortable there. You know the one ... drowning in choppy seas, you calm the waters and the next thing you know, she's stirred them up again. It's their comfort zone.
My opinion (please don't flame me) is that she never developed a sense of self independently. She sees herself as an attachment to a man. She's been attached since she was 14. But I could be way off...
The only thing I can tell you is I have become more assertive (in a very kind way) re:
telling people what they need to hear vs. what they want to hear. Sometimes, the
friendship won't survive. Also I distance myself in an act of self - perservation. I have a tendency to want to help, a desire to "fix", sometimes that's not what a friendship needs. Some friendships will not last a lifetime. It is always difficult to find that role that supports the person, but not their actions.

[Marie]

My opinion (please don't flame me) is that she never developed a sense of self independently. She sees herself as an attachment to a man. She's been attached since she was 14. But I could be way off...


That was also my first thought. Did she do something wrong? Yes. Was it perhaps the only way she saw to fix her situation? Maybe. Especially if she has no identity without a man, the only way to fix her current situation was with a man. If that makes any kind of messed up sense.

It also sounds like her current husband is emotionally abusive - and after going through 5 years of that I can see where her mind would be a bit messed up.

If you value the friendship I'd say you could be there to support her through this even if you do not approve of her actions.

[Golightly]

ugh... what a mess...

I feel for her a little. Although if her DH (or just H in this case?) has basically bluntly told her doesn't care if she leaves or not, and suggests they seperate, it might not be a bad idea.

I'm never a supporter of ending marriages, but did this one really ever begin?

I feel bad for her, but at the same time, it's not like this "emotionally unavailable" behavior is new and a surprise... 5 years?

The general rule I've always heard is that marriage doesn't fix problems, it only makes them more prominent and permanent.

Perhaps cheating was the only surefire way out of the marriage she could think of.

Hope your friend finds her way... This must be a very tough time for her, and for you...

Cheers,
Golightly

[Natasha]

Thank you for your responses lately. I am not going to flame anyone, because you were all right on. I love her to death, and I really feel for her. I'm just frustrated, because there is nothing I can do... I am also frustrated because this is MARRIAGE now, not just a relationship. Ugh, it's so hard. But, I really do feel like it has been 5 years of emotional abuse. He also tells her that if she leaves him, she will never find anyone else. She has always been a bit low in the self esteem department, and I think he uses that to his advantage. Ugh, it's just tough.

[Lanapoo]

If anybody needs to be alone it's your friend. How can she have confidence in herself and her abilities if she's never been alone? It's such an empowering experience, to be alone and be happy with it. She's only 22, there's plenty of time for her to figure herself out before jumping into another relationship.

It's so hard sometimes to watch good friends make bad decisions....

[camberne]

My best friend is one of those who bases her self-image on what men think of her. Her first husband was in a cult and she got out of that... but then she dated a whole slew of hideous men and her self-esteem was as low as ever (she has always had a good job, is bilingual, double-major in college). She finally found (and quickly married) a guy who wasn't a loser, although I'm still not crazy about him.

Things I'll never understand about some women:

Why do they think that a marriage certificate is going to magically change a man's personality?

Why do they think that they'll be able to change a man's personality?

If a man is a certain way BEFORE he gets married (when supposedly they're on their best behavior) then he certainly isn't going to improve after the fact!!

Frustrating to watch these things for sure!! Another thing I think may be in play here is that she wants HIM to leave HER, not the other way around. This is another way that she is letting him have the power, instead of taking the initiative and changing her own life, she wants to push him into action.

[Natasha]

I agree that she needs some time to herself. She is such an amazing person, and I know she could do well on her own. Now that she has had the day to think about it, she is upset and sick and just feels like crap, understandably. I totally agree that she thought marriage would change DH into something that he just isn't. He is, in part, responsible for that, because he told her he would take the relationship more seriously if they were married, and he needed her to make that kind of commitment for him to feel secure, blah blah blah. The thing is she really, really loves him, but can no longer abide by him treating her like a second class citizen. She should have considered that before the marriage, I know. It's hard, because all I can do is be here for her now, and I wish there was something i could have done before this happened...

[lawyerlee]

Man, what an awful situation. :( I can't even imagine how hard it would be to watch someone you care about making these mistakes in her life. I haven't been through anything similar, but I think if I were in your shoes, I would do my best to let her know that I'll always be there for her no matter what, even though I think she's done something very self-destructive and worrisome. If you handle things delicately, I think you can be supportive of your friend without condoning the way she is messing around with her life.

[Millie03]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. It is really hard to watch someone you love be self-destructive. I agree with what everyone else has said and I think she really needs to be on her own and discover her strength.

If she doesn't have the confidence, she might have done this as a desperate act. To force her independence, you know what I mean? That way her husband is the one who's making the move to separate, not her. She might not feel that she has the strength to actually do the leaving so this sort of forces her to. Plus, often, when someone is emotionally abused or unloved, they use sex to help that. I'm not condoning her behavior, but maybe offering some more explanations.

Unfortunately, we can't make our loved ones decisions for them...but only be there to help guide them when they do fall. With personalities that thrive on chaos (I don't know if this is your friend or not, but it is often a by-product of abuse), though, just be careful to not let her drag you into it, too.

Good luck, and I hope she finds her way...

[ManteoChik]

I think that way too often, women will marry into an already bad relationship with the idea that "maybe if we get married he will take this seriously....take me seriously" and most of the time it's not the case. As another CC member also stated, a marriage is not just a realationship! You don't just "break up" you have to get a divorce and that can be messy, expensive, and hurtfull. It seems as though this relationship was on the rocks to begin with. If they truely want to work things out I would suggest counseling, however, for some people that doesn't work.

I am 20 and my boyfriend is 23, we've been together for almost 6 years. I'm one of those people who have been with their boyfriend since a young age (well i'm still young...lol). I have never felt like I've missed out on anything or that I'm dependant on a man. I also have never felt like I'm not my own person. I would marry him tomorrow and I know that we'll get married. We have our ups and downs just like any relationship, however I know that he loves me and I love him. I also know that he cares about our relationship. It seems like your friend knows that her DH doesn't care about their relationship. I would suggest they at least try counseling, if that doesn't work then a divorce is probably enevitable.

[greenbunny]

I've been through something similar. My best friend was with an emotionally unavailable, lazy guy who saw her as basically his maid. She ended up cheating with a man who was nearly 70 (we were about 22 at the time). I didn't get much details, I was really freaked out about the whole thing. Unfortunately they patched things up and she's now married to the original jerk.

So my advice is to keep in mind she might end up staying with her husband. Support her but don't sound off too much about what you might think of her husband, or it might become awkward if they stay together.

[Natasha]

Thank you again, everyone. I am pretty sure they will stay together, so i am careful what I say. I tell her she deserves better, but I know she loves him. I haven't heard from her in a little over a week. I called and left a message, but she never called back. So, who knows. Thank you, ladies, for your kind words and support. I love her so much, but I know too well that you can't make others decisions for them...

[ejs]

I think she was hoping that after they got married, he would make her a bigger priority and take their relationship more seriously.

When has this actually happened? I will never understand why women believe this.

I'll be the dissenting voice here. I don't feel sorry for your friend. I think she made a very poor decision. She knew what her husband was like and yet she chose to marry him anyway. If she was that unhappy, she should have left or tried counseling or something instead of resorting to cheating.

[Natasha]

ejs--I completely agree. I do not condone her cheating at all. I don't even know if I necessarily feel bad for her, because she IS a big girl, and she made the decisions leading up to this point. I do not know why she thought marriage would change anything. She is normally a pretty bright girl, I think. I don't think either of them realize this is now MARRIAGE. It is a serious, BIG deal. It's frustrating to just stand on the sidelines. But, as much as I disagree with her decisions, i love her, she is my best friend, and I am doing everything in my power to be there for her. What else can I do?

[BethElena]

But, as much as I disagree with her decisions, i love her, she is my best friend, and I am doing everything in my power to be there for her. What else can I do?

Exactly. Keep loving her and spending time with her. You don't have to agree to her lifestlye or choices, but you can still love her and be her friend. She probably needs a good listener right now. Keep us posted.

[HeatherFL]

I have been through something similar with a friend. Except when she was out cheating on her spouse, she told him she was hanging out with me!

A lot of things about their relationship would concern me. And I am with ejs. I don't feel sorry for your friend at all. She's an adult and she put herself into this situation regardless of her husband's behavior.

She has screamed, yelled, cried, given up, everything, and he remains indifferent.
Everything would include some sort of counseling or her actually leaving. She can't just threaten. If she doesn't follow through it's perceived as nothing more than a threat.

"I only married you because I want to be a dad".
Is your friend actually allowing this guy to try to impregnate her? I think that is quite irresponsible on both their parts. The child will suffer and be brought into an already dysfunctional family.

I understand you wanting to be there for her, but it's ironic the guy she cheated on her husband with is divorcing a woman who cheated on HIM. Two wrongs don't make a right. Cheating is cheating.

I know this question wasn't directed at me, but I will tell you what I did:
What else can I do?
The girl who lied to and cheated on her husband and used me as her scapegoat? I ended the friendship. She was a HUGE part of my life and I thought we were inseparable. However, her behavior was a reflection of the type of person I hang out with. Associating myself with someone like that told her it was okay and told other people I thought it was okay. And it wasn't. Her behavior was completely unacceptable. Regardless of her husband's shortcomings, she should have left rather than cheat.

I hope she figures things out.

~H.