15 year olds smoking near our house, WWYD?

[Lizard]

Our house's backyard borders a small park, and the park is completely surrounded by other houses. One of those houses is a family with 4 kids, the oldest of which is a girl that just turned 15. I don't see the parents very much, basically the kids run out of the house by themselves and play in the park without supervision (which isn't terrible, like I said it's an enclosed park). I've talked to the mom probably twice, she seems nice enough but she just isn't around much to talk to.

A few weeks ago, I was doing dishes and noticed their 15 year old girl hanging out in the park, which is different for her... normally it's just her young brothers out there playing. She was with another girl that I didn't know, and that girl was smoking. I didn't think much about it except "ugh"... I couldn't tell how old the other girl was, and I didn't see the 15 year old with a cigarette. I guess my thought was that it was a relative or something that was over 18.

Over the past several days there's been some boys hanging out back there that we don't know, but the girl has been hanging with them so I guess they're friends of hers. Today we saw ALL of them smoking. :( They looked like they were trying to be sneaky, sitting in an area that wasn't viewable at the girl's house and generally hiding it all. I'm not the best judge of age, but there is NO way that they're 18... probably in the 14-16 year old range. I would have guessed even younger, had they not been hanging out with the girl.

I'm trying to decide what, if anything, to say to the girl's mom. Like I said, I rarely see her. But if it was me, I'd want to know that my 15 year old daughter was smoking and that her friends were smoking too. How would you handle it? My initial thought is, next time I see the mom, just say "Hey, there's been some older boys hanging out here, do you know them? I've never seen them in the neighborhood and I noticed they're smoking around the other kids". Something nonchalant like that. Or should I be more direct? I feel like I should say SOMETHING, regardless of how much I will look like a Gladys Kravitz neighbor type. Never done this before, so I'm trying to figure out how best to go about it.

Would love your input!

[Ellyn]

I am a teacher, and so I know the neighbor kids, but a few summers ago one of the neighbor boys that was going into 9th grade was standing in the woods between our houses, smoking.

The teacher (and mom) in me couldn't stand it :rolleyes:, and I know the mom would want to know, so I marched my butt down to their house that evening when I knew mom would be home and told her. She was grateful I told her.

I would say something...I would guess most parents would want to know.

[amyintn]

I would tell her but there is the off chance that they know and are okay with it. DH starting smoking when he was 15, his parents knew, but since his dad already smoked, they were okay with it and/or felt they couldn't say otherwise since one them was a smoker.

But, yeah, I'd say she probably doesn't know and probably would want to know.

[ejs]

I wouldn't say anything unless I was friends with the mom.

[diam124]

I probably wouldn't say anything to the mother, but I tend to leave things like that alone. I know my friends and I experimented with smoking around that age and thankfully none of us got hooked. I tend to view it as less dangerous than kids getting drunk or doing drugs.

Of course last night a minivan pulled up in front of our house (our street is a dead-end) around 1am and a few teenagers were smoking. I'd rather not have them leave cigarette butts all over the place so I turned the lights on in the kitchen. Sure enough they all got in the minivan and drove off with the lights off.

[{b}]

I'd probably WANT go out there, ask to speak to the girl off to the side, and ask if her parents know she's hanging out with boys and smoking.

What I'd probably end up doing is going over to the girl's house and telling the mother I saw her DD out there smoking and hanging out with the boys.

[keska]

It would depend on whether I knew the mom and the type of neighborhood. In my neighborhood, I would not tell the mom for fear my house or car would be vandalized in retaliation.

[morningdew]

It would depend on whether I knew the mom and the type of neighborhood. In my neighborhood, I would not tell the mom for fear my house or car would be vandalized in retaliation.That was my thought too. If you tell the mom, don't be surprised if your house gets egged.

[ladybug777]

I would definitly say something. As a parent, I'd want to know.

[imagirliegirl]

I wouldn't say anything unless I was friends with the mom.

Same here.

If you don't know them, you never know what kind of parents they are or how they will react. I would also be concerned that the mom might go to the kid and say, "hey Sarah, the neighbor lady over there saw you smoking" and then by some odd coincidence your car gets keyed. I know that sounds awful but you just never know with people...and that goes for any neighborhood. Teens can be little shits anywhere!

Also, they could very well know their kid smokes and not care. If you say something you might have a livid mom on your hands.

So my rambling point is, unless you know this mom well, I'd stay out of it.

[Scooter]

As a mom, I'd want to know. I did have friends in high school who smoked and their parents knew, so you never know if the mom's already aware. But just in case she's not, I think it's nice to let her know.

Tell her straight out, though, don't dance around and hint at it in case she misunderstands. If you hint that her daughter's hanging out with older boys, she may get defensive or assume you're hinting about sex!

If you fear retribution, you could always put an anonymous (sealed) letter addressed to the mom in the mailbox, assuming you know her name.

[thyme]

I wouldn't say anything. It just doesn't seem like it's really my business, and as a teen it would have upset me a lot to feel like my neighbors were watching my every move and waiting to tell my parents any time they thought I'd stepped out of line.

[Walton]

I wouldn't say anything - I don't think it's any of your business.

[karlatta]

I probably wouldn't say anything unless I knew the parents well enough to at least guess that they'd want to know.

Something similar happened to me the other day. We were taking a walk, and as we turned a corner, we saw a couple of kids up against a fence smoking. They were around 15. I don't know them, though, and don't know where they live, so all I did was raise my voice a little (so they could hear) and say something disapproving about it. When we came back through, they weren't around anymore.

[laura]

I wouldn't get involved unless I knew them personally. I don't think it is my business to police the teens of the world, or even my neighborhood.

[Scooter]

I wouldn't get involved unless I knew them personally. I don't think it is my business to police the teens of the world, or even my neighborhood.(A bunch of you have said this, so my reply is more to a lot of posts here, not just this quote.)

I guess it's all in perpective. I don't think of it as policing, I would think of this case as helping another parent. If they're just messing around being dumb teenagers or being annoying or something, that's one thing. But this has to do with the girl's health & safety.

I just worry about a world where we all turn our heads and say "if they're not my kids, it's not my problem."

[PinkMartini]

If they're just messing around being dumb teenagers or being annoying or something, that's one thing. But this has to do with the girl's health & safety.

I just worry about a world where we all turn our heads and say "if they're not my kids, it's not my problem."

Exactly the reason I'd speak to the mom about it as well. I know as a mom I'd want to know if my kid(s) were doing something that stupid (and smoking in this day & age is just plain stupid, IMO) so I could stop it before it got to the addiction point. My mom started smoking at 9 :eek: and maybe if my grandma had known at that point she wouldn't be dying from emphysema right now.....

[imagirliegirl]

I just worry about a world where we all turn our heads and say "if they're not my kids, it's not my problem."

Well, I think a lot of parents have the attitude, "it's not your kid so it's not your business". I see it here, and in real life, where parents get upset by outside opinions of how they should be parenting their kids, what is healthy etc...

Just last night we were at a smoky bar and someone had her kid in there. He looked about 3 and it was after midnight!! I thought that was simply awful. It was so smoky it irritated me to the point where we left, so I can't imagine how bad that is for a kid that small. But clearly the mom didn't care as long as she could hang with her friends and it's not my job to tell her how to be a good parent.

I guess it's all in perpective. I don't think of it as policing, I would think of this case as helping another parent.

Maybe she doesn't want "help".

[Lizard]

Wow, thanks for all the replies. Looks like it's about 50/50, which I kinda expected. :)

Just a few notes... the mom definitely knows that her daughter is hanging out with these boys, because the first day I saw them they showed up at her back gate and the mom was outside talking to them, then a few minutes later the daughter came out. The boys aren't really the concern though, I could care less about that. If the kids had been smoking out in the open, I probably would think that their mom knew and didn't care. But they're crouching/hiding behind playground equipment, out of view from the girl's house. That makes me think Mom doesn't know and wouldn't approve. However, I think I'd notice if my kid came in smelling like smoke, but I digress....

I talked to DH about it... he's from a tiny Iowa town of 500, and said that if he'd been doing that at that age, there would have been several neighbors banging on his parents' door to tell them, and he wishes neighborhoods were still that watchful of the kids. But in the same conversation, he said that he doesn't think I should bring it up to the mom, unless it somehow comes up in conversation. Funny how attitudes have changed.

I still haven't decided what to do... I will see what this week holds and go from there, I guess. I appreciate all the thoughts and insight though, it's so interesting to see the polarity of this issue.

Oh, as far as the young smoking goes, that does color my thoughts a little because my mom started smoking at 16, and currently she's 62, has COPD and Stage 4 emphysema. That's always on my mind when I see young smokers (well, any smokers I guess).

[tandt]

Oh lord, if you were in my 'hood growing up, you'd probably see us out there smoking around 16 y/o!

I agree with those who say only tell if you're close with the mother-- you just never know how people will react when it comes to the parenting (or sometimes lack thereof) of their kids.

And, I didn't even think of retailiation until someone mentioned it here. Kids today are much different than we were (assuming we're the same age-- mid-30s)-- they feel so much more entitlement and sense of invincibility.

[Scooter]

Just last night we were at a smoky bar and someone had her kid in there. He looked about 3 and it was after midnight!! ...it's not my job to tell her how to be a good parent.
This example is totally different. That was the mom's (really bad) choice to bring him there. In this case, the daughter is doing something dangerous & extremely addictive and hiding it from her mom. It's apples and oranges.
Maybe she doesn't want "help". 1. She's obviously not against the idea if she posted this thread.
2. It's exactly that kind of attitude that makes me worry. IMO it just perpetuates the current trend in our society of the lack of responsibility, lack of altruistic helping, and entitlement.

[laura]

Well FWIW, I think I am a very helpful/thoughtful person. But I think there are situations where "helping" does more harm than good. For example, where do you stop helping? Say the OP tells the mother, and the mother confronts the daughter, and the daughter either a) lies about it or b) has a come to jesus moment and says she will quit immediately. But then she doesn't quit. And the OP sees her again. Does she tell the mother again? What if the mother doesn't want to believe her child would do wrong, or that she ever lies. So when the mother confronts the daughter, she says the OP is lying. Maybe she is very convincing, so the mother no longer trusts the OP and thinks she is just trying to start trouble with their family. Etc.

I mean maybe none of those things happens. But I also don't think that this 16 y/o girl smoking at the playground with some kids necessarily means she is going to become a life long smoker and get lung cancer and die young.

[Scooter]

I see your point, Laura, but I'm not talking about being the neighborhood narc and recording every bit of wrong-doing. I'm just talking about passing along the basic info and then stepping away to let the family handle it.

If the girl continues to do it, fine, that's the her and the parents' problem. What would be accomplished by continuing to point that out to the mom? By telling her once, at least the parents have a opportunity to address it early on. Whether they use that chance, or do anything with that info at all, is totally out of the OP's control.

[ivansbabe]

If I were in your shoes I'd have a hard time not saying anything and I'd broach the subject just like you did with us.

But if it was me, I'd want to know that my 15 year old daughter was smoking and that her friends were smoking too

Make sure you don't come across judgemental such as whether you approve or disapprove of it, because the mom could get defensive and see past your good intentions. I think you want to tell her but are just a little fearful...I say go for it. If the mom is thankful then you'd be very happy if you did, and if she doesn't care or didn't appreciate the news then you know you did it with the best intentions.

[imagirliegirl]

Make sure you don't come across judgemental such as whether you approve or disapprove of it, because the mom could get defensive and see past your good intentions.

That's the thing, if she is saying something to the mom she obviously thinks it's wrong and that the mom should disapprove as well. That's where it gets sticky. The mom may not care and get all huffy puffy because someone else is suggesting how she raise her kid.

In this case, the daughter is doing something dangerous & extremely addictive and hiding it from her mom.

No one knows that she's hiding it, so you can't say for sure it's apples and oranges. If the mom is allowing it, it's HER bad decision. My point was simply that many parents don't appreciate other people questioning their parenting skills in any situation.

[Scooter]

No one knows that she's hiding it, so you can't say for sure it's apples and oranges. If the mom is allowing it, it's HER bad decision. My point was simply that many parents don't appreciate other people questioning their parenting skills in any situation. The OP wrote more than once that she believes the girl is hiding it. Which obviously suggests the mom doesn't know. Unless the mom was out there with her, holding her down and forcing her to smoke, it's not comparable to your bar example in the slightest.

And telling the mom what you noticed her daughter doing isn't questioning her parenting skills. If the mom says, "Oh that. Yeah, I know." And you makes a comment about it, THEN you're questioning her parenting skills. There''s a difference.

[phoenics]

I just worry about a world where we all turn our heads and say "if they're not my kids, it's not my problem."

This is my thought too. I would say something, though I'd probably do something totally sneaky and wait until I saw them smoking again and then taking a picture of it and putting it the parent's mailbox so no one would no it was me!!

Just kidding.

I'd just be honest and say something about it. I come from the 'it takes a village to raise a child' way of thinking and I think that as a society, all of us have some responsibility to each other. I'm not saying I want to be a tattle-tale or anything like that, but well...

When I was younger, I had braces. One day, I was at the orthodontist downtown and an acquaintance of my mom's saw my car parked on the street (my tags were personalized with my first initial and last name). She told my mom what happened. At first my mom was alarmed and then she realized where I was and was fine with it, though she was a little bit irritated about someone else thinking they'd 'caught' me in something. But I always felt sort of comforted by it and kind of important too. Maybe the lady's intentions weren't all that pure, but still... it was sort of oddly comforting to know that there was accountability for my actions and that just because mom wasn't there, it didn't mean I could act up.

I just don't think it's a bad thing to alert parents to the behavior of their children. I honestly think we need more of that - though not in a judgemental way.

[DallasLady]

I probably wouldn't say anything unless I knew the parents well enough to at least guess that they'd want to know.

Same here.

[udsweetpea]

If she were a friend, I'd bring it up casually like "hey, I saw your DD smoking the other day. Did you know she had that new hobby?"

But because you don't know the mom, I'd stay out of it. It's not your place even though we would all want to know that about our children. I would assume she would eventually smell it on her.