Toddlers and funerals

[Winter Biscuit]

I remember a thread like this was posted on that other board, but I don't even remember what was posted as it did not apply to me at the time.

My FIL is losing his battle with cancer and the inevitable is approaching. I am trying to focus on present, and cherish the day-to-day things while he is still with us. But I can't help thinking long-term and what we will do with our 19-month old DD when the time comes.

DH's family lives on the other side of the state (3 hours away) so the funeral would probably be there. On one hand, I would want to bring her to the funeral home/visitation because she is part of the family, and she could serve as a welcome distraction for many people. Although the purpose of the visitation is to reflect on and celebrate the deceased's life, she was an important part of his life. I think her presence would make people smile and help buffer their grief.

My fear is that she would get into everything, I would spend my time chasing after her, etc. She's 19 months old and has a LOT of energy. I'm also worried about how she will react to seeing her grandpa in the coffin. Obviously, she is too young to understand death so I don't think she would be afraid or anything like that. I can just picture her asking over and over and over, "Where grandpa go?" and that might be a difficult question for some people to hear. I can also just see her walking around telling everyone, "Grandpa sleeping" or trying to wake him up.

My parents could certainly help out and take her, but I also know that they would want to attend the visitation and funeral too. I could have DD sit with my parents during the funeral so I can focus on supporting my DH. Or I could ask my brother and SIL if they could watch her for a few days.

I feel guilty thinking about this when FIL isn't even dead yet, but it's going to have to be addressed at some point and I'd rather figure this out now, rather than try to make decisions later when we are all overwhelmed with the actual death.

What would you do?

[ann2002]

I am sure that you are going to get responses from both sides of the spectrum ... But given the scenario that you are talking about, I would think it would be ideal if your parents attend and then take her outside or someplace else close by if it gets to be too much for her.

You shouldn't feel guilty about trying to figure it out now, like you said, it is alot easier to try and figure it out now instead of later when you are overwhelmed with emotion...

[mamax2]

I was in your shoes just a couple of months ago. My father died from cancer in May. My DD was 21 months old at the time. We did bring her to the wake, but in retrospect that wasn't a good idea. It was open casket and we weren't comfortable with her seeing Pop-Pop lying there for some of the reasons you mentioned (namely, that she would likely repeat 'Pop Pop sleeping' over and over and over again which would make people uncomfortable). However, my SIL & BIL were there w/their 19 month old DD and since she didn't really know my Dad, she was totally fine w/the open casket. Also, she's not as verbal as my DD, so if she wanted to say anything, it wouldn't really be recognizable anyway. We mainly took turns keeping her in the lounge and then my aunt took her home and put her to bed.

As for the funeral itself, this was no problem. It was in a Church and basically very similar to the Mass that we attend every week, so that wasn't at all difficult on my DD. My DH was a pall bearer and I sat in the front w/my step-mother. Again, my aunt sat w/my DD towards the back of the Church, but she was fine for the entire service.

I'm very sorry to hear about your FIL; I wish your family peace during this difficult time.

[twinnyme]

I think help would be helpful, though I agree with you to bring her for part of it (if at least for the distraction to other people/happiness she'd bring). My sister's MIL died in April after a drawn-out battle with Alzheimer's and she brought her 2.5 y.o. son to the funeral. My other sister also brought her 1.5 month son for one day. But there was always people around (including me, who left DD home with DH for the weekend; I had to travel) to help watch him. It did get a little dicey, though. Luckily, there was only her funeral going on in the funeral home, and we were able to go into another room to let the kids run around a little and get the energy out. (I think the funeral home owners were getting a little agitated; they "suggested" it one of the days the minute we walked in the door.) Though we tried our best to keep the kids under control, it was still difficult. My mother and I helped prepare the food between viewing periods at my sister's in-laws' home and took my nephew with us one of the days. My sister's BIL and SIL also brought their 1.5 y.o. daughter as well. Unfortunately, there were few people NOT at the funeral who could watch the children.

I am sorry that your FIL is losing his battle with cancer. I hope you and your family get through this all okay.

[lorbo]

Brooke has been to 2 funerals in her short life-my grandfather died when she was 9 months old and my grandmother died when she was 19 months old. during the service for my grandmother, Brooke did get antsy, and DH took her outside and walked around the church. During the viewing, guests were happy to see her, we had to watch her, but we also had family that was more than happy to hold her. i had no problems with her at all.

[adoredh]

My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

Maybe this link might help:

Hospice (http://www.hospicenet.org/html/younger.html)

[kiddo]

I am so sorry to hear about your FIL. We just lost my DH's grandmother to cancer and my grandmother in the last 6 months.

I do not think the wake is the best place for small children, especially if it's an open casket. Mostly because I don't think they understand what is going on. All they will know is that their grandpa is sleeping in a box. I think bringing your DD to the church would be ok if the casket is closed, she won't know what is in there.

Maybe you can have your parents switch off staying with her during the wake and then bring her to the funeral. Or if you must bring her to the funeral home, keep her out of the viewing room.

My family is very close and we all love to have the little ones around, but most of my cousins chose to leave their kids (the ones under about 6) at home. I do not have kids, but my sister has 3. At the time of my grandmother's passing they were 4 and the twins were 16 months. She did not bring the kids to the funeral. However, our family always has a large lunch after funerals and she brought them there. It did everyone a lot of good to see the next generation running around playing with each other.

[ktdelsur]

I can just picture her asking over and over and over, "Where grandpa go?" and that might be a difficult question for some people to hear. I can also just see her walking around telling everyone, "Grandpa sleeping" or trying to wake him up.

I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL. :(

My grandfather died two years ago and my cousin brought her one and two-year-olds to the viewing and the funeral. A lot of folks scoffed at her behind her back for bringing them to the viewing - granted she did not keep as close an eye on them as she should have. The youngest got into the flower arrangements, and the oldest, who looooved her great-granddaddy, was vocal about "Why is Granddaddy sleeping up there?" She accepted the "angels took him to Heaven and that's just his body there" but of course she couldn't possibly fathom exactly what that meant.

I personally, if there was a way, would leave them somewhere for the viewing/wake, and bring them to the funeral. If that's not possible, just keep a close eye on them! :)

[BTB]

I'm so sorry to hear your FIL's health is failing, my condolences to your DH and to you.

I think there's certain ages where kids and funerals mix more easily - before they're very mobile, and then when they're old enough to understand it's a solemn occasion - but with the in-between stage it's hard to know what to do. They are important members of the family, but they are also it's wiggling, loud, outspoken, unpredictable members. It really depends on your family, and the advantage here is that you know the immediate family of the deceased. Out of respect for their grief, their wishes are what should matter here. If they are likely to find a toddler's accidentally-spoken-way-too-loud questions or observations charming and a comic relief, then by all means take your DD. If they are a bit more formal and will be disturbed by such things, then I think DD had best not go.

Probably in your shoes I would try for a compromise - have DD there for part of the service, however long she can comfortably handle before getting too antsy - maybe just 20 or 30 minutes (or is that overestimating a 19 month old?) :) And then have a family member, friend, or babysitter watch her the rest of the time.

[RileyMom]

First, I am sorry to hear that you and your DH will be dealing with this soon. May you and your family find peace during this time.

Secondly, I am glad you started this thread, because my FIL is also dying of cancer and I have been thinking a lot about this too. They also live 2-2.5 hours away depending on traffic and I doubt my family will go. My DH plans to stay down there for about a week. So I have no idea what to do with DD when we get down there. My SIL has two young kids too (my DH's brother's wife) so I may find out what she is doing. But without my family around, my only other option is to leave her with my family and I can't imagine leaving her for several days while we are away.

[tinkerbelljenny]

My father died from cancer when my son was 6 months old. During the visitation and funeral my son got into everything and was constantly crawling all over the place. My Dh took him in the other room while people spoke and for the burial my best friend took him the whole time at the cemetary. However, I know for a fact that this is what my dad would have wanted. He would have wanted my son to cry out in the middle of the funeral or crawl on the floor during the funeral because my dad lived for his grandkids. It was actually easier for me to have my son with me the whole time at the funeral because I could look at him and be happy that he was with me. Oh, we also live in another state from where the funeral was held. Just my opinion but if I were you, I would bring your little one for some part of the funeral or visitation because she is part of the family. It might be an important moment to her later on in life even though she probably won't remember it. BTW...I am so sorry to hear your news.

[usafwife]

First off, I've very sorry about your FIL.

My family and I went through a similar situation in May. My FIL passed away very unexceptedly. I was 8 months pregnant at the time so it wasn't something that my husband and I had decide what to do with DD. My DH has 2 brothers who each have kids (one has 2 and the other has 3). They are all under 11. All of the kids came to visitation. The funeral home had a special room off to the side where kids could go. They had a few toys and a TV. So that kept them occupied for the most part during visitation. We didn't speak about the circumstances surrounding FIL's death to the kids. It was hard enough for us adults to comprehend it, so we felt it best not to mention it around the kids.

The day of the funeral one of my husband's brothers had their children there. They were 11 and 7. My husband's other brother let their oldest daughter (age 9) decide if she wanted to go to the funeral or not. She didn't so she stayed home with her younger sister and brother with a babysitter. All of the children went to BIL and SIL's house to stay with the babysitter while we went to the cemetery.

I know that in the future I'm going to have to cross this bridge with my own father. But I attended my aunt's (when I was 7) and my grandfather's (when I was 9) funerals. It gave me the time to say goodbye to them. As it stands right now our children will be attending family member's funerals.

[blondegirl]

*bump*

Any other words of wisdom or experience taking young children to funerals??

My great grandmother passed away yesterday, and I will be traveling tomorrow for the wake and funeral with my 3 children. We have a 2+ hour drive, and DH is not coming with us. I was very close w/ her, and our family is all very close and family oriented. Not going because of the children never crossed my mind.

But I am getting a little concerned about what I will do w/ them! The youngest are just 17 months and 28 months, so I know I can't expect them to be complete angels! My grandmother has already said that she will watch the kids while I go into the viewing, and my aunts and uncles have expressed that having the children there will be a welcoming distraction (my oldest DD is presenting a gift at the service), but the more I think about sitting on the service with them, the more nervous I get!

I guess I just need words of encouragement!

[Ericka_Jarett]

So sorry to hear about your FIL.

I have attended funerals and there have been children present. For my cousins funeral, we were babysitting for someone for a week. We had no choice but to take their child with us to the funeral (we told the parents we had the funeral to attend, they were fine with us taking her) The little girl was about 23 months and was really well behaved. People loved seeing her running around and talking to them.

That being said, I think you should take her. Your parents will be around and probably be able to help you out with her after they get their chance to pay a final respect, so you can be supporting your husband during that time. Plus since your FIL loves her, it would be something that would be normal to many. Since she is part of the family and loved by him, it would seem only right to have her there. Even if it means someone having to take her outside to run off some energy for a bit. It will help turn a terribly sad time into a reminder of his life, since she is part of your IL's family as well as your own.

I have a cousin that refuses to go into the viewing area of funerals to this day (he is in his 50's) I am the complete opposite, having been to so many funerals since I was a little girl, it doesn't bother me paying my final respects to the deceased. My ex-boss wasn't going to have her boys attend their grandmother's funeral. I gave her a booklet to read and she decided that they should attend the funeral after all. They needed the chance to give their good-byes (the youngest was 2 1/2 yrs old)

Do what you think it best for the family. Maybe even ask your MIL if she would feel comfortable with your daughter attending. I know it's not something you would want to bring up since it's her husband, but it may help with your decision. If not your MIL, maybe a sibling of your husband.

Prayers to you and your family

[marchfamily]

We took our first daughter to a visitation/funeral when she was 14-15M. We took two cars so I could leave is she got antsy. The funeral home had a room outside the visitation for refreshments, etc. We spent a fair amount of time there. Honestly, sometimes the little ones are a welcome distraction.

[Tenny]

So sorry to hear about your FIL!

My Dad passed away suddenly just 3 days after DS's 1st birthday, the funeral was the following Saturday. We didn't really have any options, but to bring him to the funeral with us. Seeing as it was my Dad who passed away, it was up to DH to concentrate on DS the whole time. I think at times it did serve as some welcome distraction to people. He mostly ran around outside and played in the water fountain. Looking back I'm glad he was there and I don't think anyone minded him being there either.

I think it would have been different if it wasn't family. If it wasn't a funeral for a family member we would have found a baby sitter.

[jeninef]

We recently flew across country to attend the funeral of my husband's step-sister. She was only 29 when she passed away from a long battle with colorectal cancer. There are so many kids in our families that having my son there, who is 15 months, wasn't really that big a deal. It was family and they wouldn't have had it any other way. Since your grandmother offered to babysit during the viewing...make sure to take her up on that offer. DH was at the viewing all day and I showed up with DS for about an hour. That was all he could handle. Then for the funeral, I stayed out in the hallway of the church, ( a very, very small church btw,) and let DS run around. He did pretty good for the most part and like previously mentioned, most people were happy to have him around as he was a breath of fresh air at a such a difficult time for everyone. He put a lot of smiles on faces that week.

Good Luck! :)

[kindermom]

My grandfather in law passed away after a 2 1/2 year battle with cancer and DD was about 15 months at the time. We took her to the calling hours and the funeral. During calling hours she was a welcome break from the somber moments. That said, there was no way I was letting her near the casket. She did not need to see Pop sleeping nor did people need to hear her talking about it. The funeral went poorly though. I ended up having to take her into a parents area about 1/2 way through the Catholic Service. At the cemetary she wanted to run around which was a huge no no for us.

[Winter Biscuit]

Bump for LMC