developmental delays

[catmom]

Has anyone else had their child evaluated for developmental delays? I took my DD to our local ChildFind services today, and they said she has some speech and motor delays. Nothing really, really terrible, but the person I spoke with thought she could use some more testing and would probably qualify for speech therapy at the least. She talks a ton, but has trouble answering questions and does a lot of "echoing" speech. She also has a few fine and gross motor delays (can't throw a ball with one hand, can't balance on one foot for more than a second, can't dress herself). And the evaluator also noted the movement disorder that I have been trying to get to the bottom of for the last year and a half. I still don't know what to do about that- the neurologist completely blew me off when we went last month, and told me it was my fault she had it because if she were in daycare the peer pressure from the other kids would have caused her to stop (which I don't understand, since her movements are obviously involuntary). The childfind evaluator also thought the neurologist was full of crap. But I still don't know what to do.

I don't know why I am so upset- I have been crying on and off for the last 3 hours since we got back. I'm not even sure why, since obviously I knew there was a problem or I wouldn't have gone. But I feel like I've failed my kid somehow. I'm not sure why she has these delays- she was a healthy, full-term baby. I don't know what I did wrong. And I feel horribly guilty that I'm about to add two more babies to the mix, so I won't be able to devote as much time to her as she needs. I can't talk to my friends about this, since they just go on and on about how "gifted" their children are, and I just can't hear that right now without feeling like a complete failure. I just don't know what I've done wrong, and my dd is such a sweet, wonderful kid I know she deserves better. And I'm so scared that I'm going to end up doing the same things with my younger ones, since I don't know what I did or didn't do that caused this. Maybe it's because I didn't take her to enough playgroups and stuff, so she hasn't been around other kids as much as she should have been? Maybe she would have been better off in a daycare setting? I just don't know. I already told my DH that I would like to think about going back to work in a few months and putting the twins into daycare, because I just don't want to be responsable tor screwing anything else up for my kids. I obviously don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like the worst parent who ever lived. I don't even want to be around my DD because I'm afraid I'll make everything worse somehow.

[Sevilla]

Please don't blame yourself - developmental delays happen for a variety of reasons. Your parenting or lack of daycare (stupid neurologist!!!!) did not make her struggle in the areas that she does.

[Renrel]

Catmom- I just wanted to let you know that in reading your post I never once made any connection between your child's delays and your parenting ablity or skill. Children can have delays and gifts which are just part of who they are and not related to the enviroment or parenting or anything else. As a parent your job is to do the best you can for the child you have. Your post indicates that you have been aware and attentive enough to note your daughers issues on your own and to take action to try and find out what is wrong and to trust your gut when a professional is feeding you a line of bull. That is the sign of a good parent, not one who is endangering their child. There are many parents who are so scared of the problem they go into denial and do nothing.

I think it is hard sometimes to hear a professional acknowledge that a problem is real and not your imagination. I also think that the stress and hormones involved in expecting twins in short order would make this even harder on you, thus your very emotional reaction at the moment. From what you posted it does not sound like the evaluator had serious concerns about your child, just that there are some small delays that should be address with some professional intervention. Many kids need just a little helped to catch up with their peers and then function totally normally or even on a gifted level. ( and fwiw, a child can be both delayed in some areas and gifted in others. Heck, my sister needed speach therapy and it is my understanding that she tested profoundly gifted in some areas.) So give yourself a break.

A daycare setting may be helpful for your children but it will also have draw backs. I have my child in daycare/preschool and there are times I am very thankful for the help in raising my child. For the strenths the teachers have where I am weaker, but I also regret all the time my child is away from me and not getting my focused attention. I regret the fact that he does not have playmates near our home. I regret not being able to do storytime at the libary, and gym classes and trips to museums unless we can fit it into a weekend. So, as a daycare mom, who is satisified with her childcare choice, I don't think you have made a mistake by being a stay at home mom. Each choice we make has pros and cons and will never be perfect. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. We all make mistakes and the truth is that some of what we call mistakes are not really mistakes since there was no right or perfect "answer' just the best of several imperfect answers which each left something to be desired.

[jennylou]

Sure, kids in daycare have some pluses going for them, but kids who stay at home have different pluses.

Developmental delays are not (at least not always) the cause of the parent. Sometimes things just happen.

[junkinmytrunk]

Hugs Catmom. My son was dx'ed globally delayed (we've recently been dx'ed PDD-NOS but a neuro ped and an autism institute) and it's not easy to hear. It's NOTHING you did, please don't think this. That neuro you saw is a total a$$ clown.

[tunibell]

I am sending you some very big hugs.

When my daughter was still not walking at 18 months, I totally blamed myself. I really believed it was my fault. If only I'd put her in some sort of daycare situation, where she was around other kids, this wouldn't have happened. Or, if only I hadn't carried her so much, or hadn't had that ounce of wine when I was 17 weeks pregnant, etc, etc, etc. But the truth is that these things happen for a multitude of reasons, and chances are that your daughter's shortfalls in some areas will be balanced with gifts in others.

I think one of the hardest parts of motherhood is learning to cut ourselves a break.

[littlemia]

I think anytime you hear someone say that something isn't normal about your child it hurts even if you already knew it. I know our society likes to play the blame the parents game but the fact is in most cases when a child does not develop typically there is nothing a parent did wrong to cause it. You did nothing wrong.

[oshannon]

Catmom -

IMHO, what you're feeling is ABSOLUTELY normal for someone who has just heard the news you have. Feeling in your gut that something is wrong and having "a professional" confirm it are VERY different things, as Renrel said.

And I believe the initial instinct to blame yourself is one of the built in curses of motherhood. Think about the first time she had a silly little cold - if you're anything like me, you wondered if you could have washed your hands more, kept her away from other people more, etc. And that was just a silly little cold. I hope that with time and some distance from the initial shock, you'll come to realize that this is not something you had any control over.

As for the neuro's comments about daycare, are you FREAKING kidding me? As the others have all said, daycare has pluses, but it also has minuses. Sure, my kid may be more comfortable in social settings because he has spent 5 days a week since he was six weeks old with other kids, but it certainly hasn't helped his physical development at all. Like Tunibel's DD, he wasn't walking at 18 months.

Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the time and space to feel what you need to feel. And most of all, don't hide from the folks who care most about you. Reach out to your support system, who ever that is.

[nic]

Catmom- I just wanted to chime in and say I understand how you're feeling. My DS was diagnosed with a speech delay recently and even though I knew it beforhand, it was still hard to hear two different speech pathologist's confirm there was a problem. Everyone keeps asking me what the cause is and I can't help but blame myself for his delay. I don't know if I'm much help, I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Pine Tree]

My dd has a cranial molding helmet on now due to plagiocephaly (flat spot), and I have totally blamed myself for not repositioning more aggressively (even though she totally resisted due to neck problems). Every time I looked at that helmet in the beginning I felt horrible. But I've come to realize that our children are who they are despite us. You absolutely did nothing wrong. I'm sorry how the heck would peer pressure help her to stop involuntary movements -- does he mean teasing that makes her embarrassed and ashamed? Oh yeah, that would help. Give me a break.

We are parents, not therapists or doctors or specialists. Our job is just to love our children, which you obviously do. She's a "sweet, wonderful kid" - then it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things and she's very lucky to have you as her mother. When the twins there will be two more people to love her too.

[Tray85]

No mom would ever blame your parenting for these challenges. I don't think anyone can make their child gifted in any way and I also don't think they cause developmental challenges (outside of obvious and severe neglect, which so isn't your case). I know it must be super hard, but at least you are getting some feedback that you can act on. Best of luck.

[twainny]

catmom - don't beat yourself up. The way I see it, you are willing to get your child help. I think that is the most important step. A neighbor of mine had a child in 3rd grade (7 or 8) and he had speech problems. The mom knew it, and he was getting help. (it was so bad that whenever I talked to him, I couldn't understand a single word... the mom had to repeat everything). In the summer before 4th grade, I asked the mom if he was going to continue with speech therapy. She said "No, the kids were making fun of him cause he came in late twice a week." I was dumbfounded. She continued "the speech will correct itself over time." HUH??? No it won't, it will probably get worse, and on top of that, his brother and sister were starting down his path. I couldn't believe it.

I also had my son tested by ChildFind. He was only 2.5 at the time, and when I made the appt. he was hardly talking, of course in the 6 weeks before the actual appointment, he grew leaps and bounds, and it turns out that he was on track. But I must say, for some of the speech stuff, I don't really believe it. Like the lady was impressed that he could say "shoe" cause "SH" sounds are at a 6 yo level. (huh?) And the developmental stuff was good to hear what he COULD be doing. Like "dressing himself"... well, I was WOH at that point and I never allowed him to dress himself, so I didn't know. Well, after that appt. I let him dress and undress himself, and he could do it (well, with help at first).

Good Luck. Find the help/resources you/your DD need. Your daughter will be able to catch up in no time. Better to get her the help she needs now, while she is young, than let the problems increase. I know it will be hard with the twins on their way, but you can do it!!

[shortcake]

catmom - Your DD sounds like mine! I had her tested at 3 yrs 4 months and found similar gross & fine motor delays. We didn't even get the speech tested, because I didn't realize a difference there - but she was doing the echoing and had trouble answering questions. A year later, we've been doing OT for the motor skills but have not gotten any services for speech, and I still wonder sometimes if I should. However, her speech has also come along in leaps and bounds, and the "language processing" stuff isn't something they do much with until they are 5 or 6. Her preschool teacher and her OT both think we should "watch" her language but don't need to get her tested at this point. (If money were no object we would do it anyway, but insurance doesn't cover it and she would not qualify through the school district. If her teachers thought she needed it we'd do it regardless of the cost, but as it is I think I should trust them. I trust them more than I did her pediatrician - they really KNOW her, and they know this stuff probably better than a regular pediatrician, too.)

Anyway, the OT has really helped with the motor skills. She doesn't qualify through the schools, so we've done it privately.

I think it's great you got her tested and are starting the process - you are a great mom for doing that! I always felt guilty because for the longest time I sensed she was different, but her pediatrician said not to worry and I believed her. Then when DS began to be able to do things so much more easily than her, I realized we had an issue.

As for daycare - if you want to go back to work and do it, I'm sure it would be fine, but I wouldn't do it for daycare's sake. You are obviously a great mom. Also, now that you are aware of some things to work on with your daughter, you can find ways to practice things at home - a daycare provider wouldn't do that.

[marchfamily]

My oldest is 3Y3M and we've been dealing with developmental delays. She was diagnosed beginning at 23M (speech, motor, sensory). She's been in therapy since 26M (speech, OT, PT). Now, she's in special ed preschool and continues therapy.

It's hard not to think "where did we go wrong". I was already pregnant with my 3rd when this all really came clear for us. It's somehow comforting that we've had two girls after my first and they seem to be developing normally.

It's a long road...and difficult. Feel free to PM me if you want more details.

[catmom]

Thanks, everyone. I think my hormones are all out of whack, and that isn't helping me to sort through this at all. I actually stayed in bed until 1 today (something I haven't done since DD was born), because I just didn't feel like getting up. But I am feeling better about things now. I think my #1 worry is DD's movement disorder, which we still don't know anything about. The motor issues actually don't worry me a whole lot, since that was never my strong suit, either (according to my mother, she dressed me until I was 7). And I see a progression with her verbal skills, so I think with a little help she should be able to catch up okay. If the end result is that she needs to start kingergarten at 6 instead of 5, I'm okay with that, too. And DH and I were talking earlier about all the stuff she CAN do which childfind never asked about (she knows all her letters and numbers, counts well, and knows the names of more plants and trees than I do). She's also an unusually gregarious and social child, despite the speech issues, which I think speaks to her overall bubbly personality. She tries to make friends with every child she meets. If she sees that someone is hurt or upset, she tries to comfort them. She's just a really nice kid.

I still feel like I could have done more for her when she was younger, and maybe she wouldn't be having these delays now. I'm grateful that she's starting preschool in the fall, so maybe that will help, too. I just want all the best things for her (like any mom), and it makes me feel bad that maybe I haven't provided that despite my good intentions.

[mamax2]

catmom ~ I think you sound like a fantastic Mom - one who HAS provided her DD with a very positive and loving environment. I'm sure it's natural to think that you've failed, but as with all things in life sometimes even when you do everything 'right' things don't turn out the way you'd expect. It seems like your DD is bright, caring and loving and those are the kinds of things YOU are responsible for. You can't control developmental or speech issues like you're describing. You are seeking help and that's all you can do at this point. I'm so glad you've found someone competent to put you down a good path going forward.

Good luck to your whole family!

[Renrel]

Catmom- We can be so hard on ourselves. It is important sometimes to "parent" ourselves in how we speak to ourselves and what we expect of ourselves. Notice that not one poster has found any fault in your parenting of your daughter. Try to imagine you daughter 25-30 years from now, mothering her child the way you mothered her. Would you be finding fault with her for making the same choices you have made? Would you blame her for making the same mistakes you have made, or rather feel you have made? I couch it this way because we all make what we think are mistakes as parents, since we are not perfect, but we are also not omnipotent, and therefore we don't really know which are the good things and which are the bad until the whole story is told, and your daughter is only a title page and maybe a preable at this point in her story. Sometimes what we think are mistakes lead to good things later on that we could not have predicted, like when you lose a boyfriends or a job and that leaves you available to your intended husband or calling in life. Also, for what its worth, I think the things you have listed as your daughters gift, particularly her ablity to interact comfortably with others, have been most closely linked to happiness and success in life. The whole emotional IQ thing.

Good love and hugs to you and your family as you work your way though this.

[shortcake]

catmom - We saw a huge improvement once preschool started, so that should be good for your daughter. Also, DD will be waiting till she is almost 6 to start kindergarten, and I think that's definitely a good thing to consider if that extra year will make a difference.

May I ask what the movement disorder is that you are experiencing? I am sorry it's so worrisome - it's SO hard when there is something going on with your kid and you don't know what it is!

[marchfamily]

I think my #1 worry is DD's movement disorder

My DD has movement issues (sensory processing issues prohibit her from anticipating movement, transitioning across different terrain, trunk strength, etc.). I'm fairly sure it's Sensory Processing Disorder, but no official diagnosis until she's older. SPD can be over or under reactive. My DD is under-reactive (for the most part). She can be a danger to herself on playground equipment etc. She has trouble communicating with other children.

[catmom]

the movement disorder- I just don't know. The neurologist we saw said it was "benign paroxysmal movement disorder" and that it was nothing to worry about, and she would outgrow it. But I think we need a second opinion, since she's now 3 and still has it.

Basically, when she gets really excited or is concentrating really hard, her legs stiffen and she does some contortions with her arms. Sometimes her jaw will stiffen, too. She also does a little bit of toe-walking, which may be related (I don't know). And I think this may be related to the fact that her balance isn't great. Someone suggested to me this could be a sensory integration issue, but I don't see any other signs of it. It looks very much like what you see autistic kids do sometimes, except that the one problem we can pretty much definitively rule out is autism. I am trying to get a recommendation for another neurologist at the moment, since the last one really wasn't helpful. It's hard, though, since I have so many dr's appointments of my own right now, and I hate to plan more than a week in advance at the moment.

My neighbor watches her nephew's 5-year old son sometimes during the week, and he was here today. He and DD were playing together for a while, and it was really amazing how good he was with her. He was very patiently explaining how to do things (race to the street sign, etc), and then showing her how to do everything. If she didn't understand, he would actually put his hands on her and show her that way, which was really great. She was responding to him so well, I was really impressed. I hope he's around a lot over the summer- she does really well if she has an older kid to be sort of a model. DH took her to the park this afternoon and he said there were some 12-year old girls trying to teach her how to kick a soccer ball and play badminton. I am really happy that we have such nice kids in the neighborhood. I think that being outside with all the neighborhood kids this summer will probably help her a lot. She responds so well to older kids. Anyway, I'm just feeling a lot more positive this afternoon than I was yesterday.

[marchfamily]

You neighbor's nephew sounds so sweet!

Have you tried to get an OT evaluation? I only ask because the OT we go to seems to unlock all kinds of things for my daughter (even with speech and such).

[katmg]

I just finished reading this book after checking it out from the library. The Parents Guide to Speech and Language Problems. (http://http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0071482458/ref=s9subs_c5_at1-rfc_p?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-3&pf_rd_r=1YYF45PH3FFTQNK3W4VT&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=278240801&pf_rd_i=507846) I found it more reassuring and easier to read than some of the other books I checked out.