Validation

[Geranium]

Is it important to you that teachers/care providers validate your child? DD gets a fair amount of validation at home but I'm starting to feel like she's not getting enough praise in some of her supervised activities. For example, in her music class the teacher does such a nice job of pointing out student's strengths and making them feel good about themselves. The music teacher is experienced with the age group, has degrees in early childhood and music, and has been teaching for 20+ years. I trust that she's not overdoing the praise, she uses it to have a positive impact on the child. DD loves going to this class.
In contrast, DD's dance teacher never offers any one-on-one support to the students. She says "good job" to the class as a group, but never seems to make a connection on an individual level. I noticed last night that she didn't even know DD's name (DD has been at her class every week for 7 months). The teacher is a 4th grade classroom teacher, I'm not sure if she has any experience with the 3-4yr age group. DD would feel so much better about the class if this teacher would make one positive comment to her. Am I expecting too much? Would it be out of line to say something to this teacher?

[littlebear]

You certainly aren't expecting too much by expecting the teacher to know your DD's name after being in class for 7 months. I think at this age that individual praise is good, but it's also good to get children used to the fact that you aren't going to get praised individually for everything you do. I wouldn't be as upset by the fact that the teacher uses general class praise as I would be by the fact that she can't remember the name of a regular, long-time student.

[jennylou]

I think it would be nice for the teacher to know your DDs age. That said, I don't believe that we should set kids up to expect that anything and everything they do is good or great. The fact is, that as children age, they are not going to be praised that much and they sort of need to understand that being praised is not the way the world always works.

Thinking about myself, it was nice to be praised at work, but it's not something that I expected. In fact, it rather shocked me when I was individually praised - mainly because it just didn't happen in my companies very often. We also worked as a team many times, so we might here a "good job everyone" as opposed to a "good job X".

[hub1176]

I would be bothered if praise wasn't given *when due* at this level. I would be more bothered by the fact the teacher still doesn't know your DD's name. If you are observing the class can you call out praise when necessary? Sometimes that might spur the teacher to do so also. If that doesn't cut it, I might mention something to the teacher like "Jane would enjoy your class so much more if she knew she was doing a good job"

[Littlelamb11]

I would be more bothered by the fact the teacher still doesn't know your DD's name.

ITA. That's my concern--that the teacher doesn't know your child's name after 7 months.

I actually prefer that my daughter's dance instructor NOT give her praise. I HATE empty praise. and IMO, it's not realistic and not a good thing to get a child hooked on. Personally, I want my child to be intrinsically motivated to do things and to learn things, not motivated because some teacher was going to give her a meaningless "good job". And at this age, IMO, it's about having fun. that's it. FUN. it has nothing to do with abilities. It's about the exposure, meeting kids, getting some exercise...having a good time.

[cynder]

Nevermind, littlelamb just said what I was trying to type.

What do you think your child's take on this is? Is she having fun and does she like to go to dance class and interact with the kids. If so, then there really isn't anything else to worry about especially when they are this young. Not all teachers your child is going to interact with will be fantastic though it is sad that she still doesn't know the kids names.

[Grenouille]

I would be more bothered by the fact the teacher still doesn't know your DD's name.

ITA. That's my concern--that the teacher doesn't know your child's name after 7 months.

I actually prefer that my daughter's dance instructor NOT give her praise. I HATE empty praise. and IMO, it's not realistic and not a good thing to get a child hooked on. Personally, I want my child to be intrinsically motivated to do things and to learn things, not motivated because some teacher was going to give her a meaningless "good job". And at this age, IMO, it's about having fun. that's it. FUN. it has nothing to do with abilities. It's about the exposure, meeting kids, getting some exercise...having a good time.

ITA with this. This is actually one of my complaints about my daughter's school (which I otherwise love). I have watched 4yo DD scribble on a piece of paper, not even paying attention to it, making one or two stray marks and her teacher will make such a fuss, "OOHHHH!!! This is WONDERFUL!!!! You did such a GREAT JOB!!!!!" I don't expect them to be hard on her either, or tell her "You can do better than that!!!" but they could just say "Thank you!" and move on.

I think there is a big difference between "validation" and "empty praise". If a child was struggling with something and finally succeeded, then they absolutely deserve validation of their efforts. "Wow, you worked really hard on that!" or "That was such a challenge and you did an amazing job!" or something that recognizes the work they put into it, not the end result. When a teacher (or parent) throws "Good job!" out after every little task the child completes, it becomes empty praise. It loses all meaning and becomes pointless.

[mamax2]

I think there are actually two entirely different issues here.

I EXPECT my DD's teachers to know her name and to give her support for her effort. The support can be individual or collective, but I would hope to see she recognizes my child as an individual because that's part of her job as a teacher/care provider, IMO.

I do NOT EXPECT any teacher to 'validate' or 'praise' my child unless it's well deserved. I'm another person who actually is more bothered by the incessant empty praise sometimes offered. I would much rather hear a teacher make observational comments (You're using so many colors!) than praising my child (Good job!)

[Geranium]

Thanks for the replies to this thread. I've been able to observe this class a few more times and I'm disappointed with the class, teacher, and studio in general. At this point, I've decided not to approach the teacher but will seek out a new studio for next year's class. We live in an area that offers a huge variety of pre-k activities and I'm sure I'll find something that is a better fit for DD.

You certainly aren't expecting too much by expecting the teacher to know your DD's name after being in class for 7 months.
I think this is what really frustrated me. When I was teaching middle school, I had to know the names of about 200 kids at a time, it was hard but well worth going the extra mile to connect with the kids. I guess the teacher could have just blanked out but I'm pretty sure she has not taken the time to learn any of the girl's names.

I don't believe that we should set kids up to expect that anything and everything they do is good or great. The fact is, that as children age, they are not going to be praised that much and they sort of need to understand that being praised is not the way the world always works.

Good point. DD is getting older, I can tell that she is growing out of that "I'm going to do this well because it pleases the adults" phase. She needs to find the hobbies and activities that bring her joy.

I want my child to be intrinsically motivated to do things and to learn things, not motivated because some teacher was going to give her a meaningless "good job". And at this age, IMO, it's about having fun. that's it. FUN. it has nothing to do with abilities. It's about the exposure, meeting kids, getting some exercise...having a good time.

Thanks for this reply, it really has helped shape my expectations. When DD started this class in the fall, she couldn't skip. In class the kids practiced skipping every week and DD slowly taught herself how to skip by watching the teacher and practicing. When she figured it out she was so proud of herself and skips all the time now when we're out. It might have made her feel good if the teacher noticed but she loves skipping because she learned it all on her own.

Is she having fun and does she like to go to dance class and interact with the kids. If so, then there really isn't anything else to worry about especially when they are this young. Not all teachers your child is going to interact with will be fantastic though it is sad that she still doesn't know the kids names.

From my point of view, this class is not fun. There is no interaction in this class between the kids. DD thinks it is fun to put the ballet outfit on, but the girls don't talk or interact. I wish I could be less critical, but there are so many ways this could be more interesting for her. Hopefully next year we'll find a better class.