sharing

[catmom]

What do you do when two kids want to play with the same toy, and one kid will share and one won't?

I've been having some frustration with this lately. My DD really doesn't mind sharing. If I tell her to give another child a turn with something, she is always happy to do it. But it really bothers me when other parents just shrug and say "He doesn't like to share" or whatever. What am I supposed to tell my dd, that she has to give a toy to another child, but he never has to reciprocate? We were playing with a friend of her's yesterday, and the kids wanted to go out and ride the little boy's tricycle (they only have one). I told my DD to let her friend have the first turn, but after that he refused to let her anywhere near it. I almost feel like I'm teaching my kid to be a pushover, since she has to share but the other kids can just do as they please because their parents don't want to provoke a tantrum.

So what do I do when this happens? It's become a real issue for us at playdates, groups, etc. I don't feel like I can make someone else;s kid give my daughter a turn with something, but my dd doesn't understand why she never gets a turn even when she has "played by the rules."

[Renrel]

Sharing is an interesting concept. I think part of ownership of property includes the right not to share it. But exercising the right can cause other people to react in ways we might not like, such as refusing to share with us or avoiding our company or telling other people about our stinginess. Kids also do not always understand that they will get their toy back which makes sharing scary, though but 3 they should be starting to understand how sharing works.

In DS preschool they do not require kids to share their own toys but they are not allowed to have them in the classroom if they are not willing to share them. (school toys of course have to be shared) This allows the kids the rights of ownership while also teaching them to be aware of other peoples feelings - that it is not nice to play with something in front of someone else if you are not going to share.

Maybe you could talk to the offending parents about what has been happening and suggest implenting a rule like this at playdates.(you could pretend that you have had similiar problems with DD and therefore started using this rule and suggest that the offending parent try it. You could suggest that if the problem continues you will have to put a hold on playdates for while until the other child is willing to share since you won't teach your child that it is OK not to share things that are out during a playdate.) The rule might be that before a playdate parent and child will try to agree to what toys are too special to share and they get put away during the playdate and the rest have to be shared. If the child can not share it during the playdate the toy gets removed to the special toys pile that no one plays with during the date. If the child or parent are not ready to have a rule like this then I don't think they are ready for playdates. You can explain to your child that you are not visiting this friend anymore because they have not learned how to share yet and that people who can't share don't get to play with other people as much. This will teach her that there is a benefit to sharing and a conquence for not sharing.

[jay&erinn]

We've had this issue a lot with my older DD. DH and I have had the same concerns- are we creating a pushover? In some ways I still worry, but at the same time, she receives glowing reports in preschool- she's able to play easily with others, wait her turn, doesn't demand the teacher pay attention to her at all times, and can handle when she doesn't get her way. The kids that are unable to share/wait their turn are the ones that are not receiving stamps at the end of the day for good behavior and the ones that their parents are constantly at the teacher's desk in the morning and after school discussing how to correct the issues. Of course every kid has a bad day, but for some of these kids it's because they've always gotten the toy, or to do what they want when they want- they don't know what to do when that's suddenly not allowed. Now, I'm not talking about kids who are too young to really know how to share or wait their turn.
We've actually cut way back on hanging out with good friends because the kids were so difficult to play with. My DD never got a turn with anything (hers or theirs) and mom would just shrug her shoulders and say that her kids don't like to share. I wanted to say, get off your butt and make them share (especially when they were my DD's toys they wouldn't let her play with)- but that would obviously be a bad example for DD:rolleyes:. However, now all that mom complains about is how bad the reports are from school- how DS doesn't seem to be able to play with other kids without him hitting or yelling at them when he doesn't get his way.

I hated that look when a kid would pull a toy out of DD's hand and the parent would just look the other way or comment that they didn't know what to do with their DC. DD would always look at me, heartbroken. I'd usually pull out another toy and sit down and play with DD- that gave her a little extra attention for not acting out and made it a little less likely that the other kid would snag that toy too. I would usually tell DD that DC wasn't ready to share so we'd find something else to play with. She's fairly easy going and would be OK.
The only advice I can offer is to know that you're doing a good service teaching your DD how to share and interact with others. It will pay off in the end.

[mamax2]

We have the same exact issue, with one of our neighbors in particular. Honestly, we've started playing with them MUCH less. And, when we do play and the other girl acts out (whether it's by not sharing, yelling at my DD, etc.), DD will often come to me. My first response is always "Tell your friend how it makes you feel when she: won't let you have a turn/spits/screams/fill in the blank". After a couple of cases of this, one of two things happens: either my DD will say she doesn't want to play with the girl or I'll say it looks like it might not be a good day to play together and we'll end the playdate. I'm not a jerk about it, but when my DD says "K hurts my feelings, I don't want to play with her", I'll say "I don't blame you, let's go". I don't want her to end up whiny or bratty, but I don't want her to be a pushover either so I want her to know it's o.k. to walk away from a situation that makes her uncomfortable like that.

[nancy drew]

in some cases i just play negotiator between both kids and say "ok, [my kid] is having a turn right now, but when s/he is done, then its your turn." that might work for the non-sharers, because then (in theory) your child is "done" so they wont care that much if they dont get another turn. if the other child had it first, i will say something similar, like "you are having your turn now, when you are done then its [my kids]'s turn." usually the non-sharer will hog whatever it is for a while, then see someone else playing with something enticing and move on.

so in the case you described, i would just go to the boy and say "[my child] would like to have a turn with the tricycle. when you are done, its her turn. do you understand?" and i would make sure to get some sort of response from him before moving on. and then find something fun for dd to do while waiting, maybe coloring with chalk or playing on swings or whatever. if the non-sharer sees that the other child isnt sitting around waiting for a turn, they usually lose interest in hogging the desired object. the whole non-sharing thing seems to be a control issue. so then it would be your dd's turn to ride after the boy got bored. and if he ran over and tried to prevent her from getting on, i would say "you had your turn earlier, now its [dd]'s turn." and if he kept being a brat about it, and his mom didnt do anything, then yeah i would probably just leave and limit our future playdates because that would be an annoying situation.

[catmom]

Thanks, everyone. I agree that not all toys need to be shared, but I think it's common courtesy that any "special" toys need to be put away before friends come over. And it's not reasonable that every toy that my DD picks up suddenly becomes "special". And don't even get me started when kids refuse to let DD have a turn with her own stuff.

The thing with the tricycle that got me was that he wouldn't let her have a turn, and then every time he got off it to do something else, dd would figure he was done and go over to it, and he would go running back screaming that it was his turn and for her to get off.

My instinct was just to tell the child/mom that if the child isn't interested in playing with DD, we'll leave. But I don't want to come across as a huge jerk, either. Plus, DD was having fun doing other things and I would have felt like I was punishing *her* if we left, you know?

[Ellyn]

are we creating a pushover?
We have had these concerns too. DS is such a sweet little boy, and he has played with kids that rip things out of his hands...he always looks at them like he knows they are doing something wrong and usually he moves on, but it really makes me mad when the parent says NOTHING. If that were my kid, I would make him give it back...and sometimes when I know the parent well enough, I will say something to the child.

I think it's common courtesy that any "special" toys need to be put away before friends come over
I agree completely. We do this sometimes with DS toys before other kids come over...one or two select ones (pat pat rocket :D) that he would be heartbroken if another kid played with it. ALthough, if we left it out, I would expect he would share - not necessarily by taking turns but by giving the other child part while he gets the other part.

[MizLarner]

My boys are good with sharing with each other. We made them start with sharing a sippy cup. Obviously, you can't do that with other people's kids, but you can introduce it more as "taking turns" than "sharing." With our kids, when they want the other kid to know they want something shared then, they have to say please or I will not let them have it.

[Kanga]

I would speak up to the child if they take something out of your dd's hands. I too have a calm natured dd who just lets people take things out of her hands. One mom watched her dc take something out of my dds hands and then said "Well, she's not crying, doesn't seem like she minds." and then let her dc go on her way with the stolen toy. That of course infuriates me because she doesn't always show her emotions by cyring. The dumbfounded look on her face should have been enough. So maybe because your dd doesn't throw a tantrum the other mom thinks your dd doesn't care? I've started getting more vocal especially with the kids that are known for stealing toys out of other kids' hands whose parents let it continue. I just say "Sorry (child's name), dd was playing with that, you can have a turn after she's done with it." Then of course make sure my child doesn't hog it and does give the other kid a turn. A lot of times this will grab the other moms attention as well if she wasn't aware and she can take over from there.

The hogging and not letting them take a turn in the first place is trickier though. I haven't come up with a good way to handle this yet and have limited playdates with kids who are known for this and whose parents don't do anything about it.

[almostthere]

Hmm very interesting responses as my DD was not the best sharer for a long time (at 4.5 things have improved) remember sharing is a not only a learned skill but also age specific so some kids are just not there. What we worked on with my DD was polite was to say no, that saying no was okay but there were repricusions (sp?) from her response including the child not sharing back or not wanting to play with her. Eventually peer pressure help her see the need to share to be accepted in the group. I also limited her interactions with large groups in situations that I knew were hard (such as playing with 5-7 kids in her home) instead meeting at neutral ground such a our community center or a park.

Something a friends nanny actually told me has always stuck (she occasionally watch my DD and my friends who were the same age but very different about sharing, taking turns etc) - she said that the issue for the kids was not about being fair but if they could both be happy so as parents we get very hung up in who had what first etc, however if both children are happy sometimes its best to just let it go - again the key being both children were fine with the outcome.