Only Children

[Renrel]

I am not sure my 4 yr old will remain an only but the odds are in favor of it at this point. One major reason for wanting to try for one more child is to allow DS to have a sibling because I think that a sibling relationship is an important one. That has lead me to thinking of ways to make up for the absence of that relationship if DS is an only. I am not looking to argue or discuss the merits of only v.s siblings, that is happening in other threads and I know that not all sibling relationships are good. I did think it might be nice however to have a place to talk about the special issues and joy that an only child may present. I am posting in the 3yr and older thread since by this age parents are more likely to know if their child is really an only or an only who will transition into an oldest.

My current concerns about DS (age 4) being an only is that I find it very hard not to make him the center of my life. I think I attend to him to much and that he continues to get the benefits of being the baby because no baby has replaced him. I play his choice of music in the car, I cook with his tastes in mind, I still dress and undress him even though he can do this for himself at school. I sit with him in the bathroom when he poops and read him a book. (he had pooping issues for awhile and this helped him alot, but now it is hard to break the habit.). His bedtime routine take well over an hour. These are all things that we would probably of moved out of by necessity if there was a new baby in the house.

DS also turns to me mostly and DH by default as a play companion since there are no kids in the house. During the day he is in full time preschool and has lot of friends but they live far away and most kids are eatting dinner or when we are first getting home so having a neighborhood friend to play with in the evenings is not likely to happen. We are moving in the next month or so to a neighborhood with lot of kids so hopefully that will allow for more playdates on weekends and maybe even in the evening. I am told that only kids learn to play by themselves but DS seems to crave company, at least my company most of the time. He can play by himself but he tends to repeately ask me to join in. Since I work full time I want to play with him and feel guilty about not having time with him so I give in alot. I also notice that when he gets alot of adult time he make big leaps in his learning and development which also influences my tendancy to give in and play. But I need to make more time for adult interaction and for just me. I don't go to the gym, go out with my friends or have any hobbies other than reading that I am currenly involved in. I know DS needs to learn to respect my time and see woman as having a life outside of the men in their lives but I am not doing a good job of modeling this. A sibling would not totally solve this problem but having DS playing with a sibling would allow me to seperate a bit more. (Though of course I would be called on to interact with the other child and to referee between the kids as well.)

Anyway, that is where I am with the only child thing at the moment. I love all the time and attention I can focus on DS but I don't know how to, or am not really motivated to, ration the time and attention so that he learns to respect the time and rights of others and that he is not the center of the universe. I am sure being in school helps but I still see this as a problem in his development if I am not careful.

Anyone else have similiar concerns or other concerns they would like to discuss? Any things that are working for you that you want to share? Any gripes about people assuming your kid needs a sibiling that you want to vent? This is the place.

[ajb524]

I'm pretty sure my DS will be an only child. He just turned 2, but I've said for a while that I think he'll be an only child.

It's interesting that you say you have a hard time not making him the center of your life. I feel that way too although I don't think I've ever really come out and said it before. I guess I've assumed it would be a little easier the older he got ;).

My hubby is an only child and I've asked him before if he wishes he had a brother or sister and he says no. He's very close to his parents in a way that I just never will be with my parents (I'm 1 of 3) and I think that's a lot of the reason I'm okay with my son being an only.

[HGMorgann]

My daughter (3 years old) will most likely be an only child unless we choose to adopt later on. I doubt we would consider IVF later in life either. Many of the fears you discussed are similar to mine. She also listens to her music in the car, takes an hour to go to bed, and acts well, a lot like an only child. She has issues with sharing, partially with her stuff, but her mommy and daddy - she very much dislikes us holding babies, and wants our full attention most of the time. She starts preschool in a few weeks and I hope that will help her with interaction with other kids - though she does have interaction with other kids a few times a week at the After School program my husband and I run.

A gripe: people constantly telling us she needs a sibling. I don't like going into our fertility issues (Dh had a rare condition that required emergency surgery and suffered a lot of trauma), and honestly, we can not afford to adopt right now.

Likes: I love our little family. There are many benefits. We can travel easily and we do so frequently. Having one child has opened up unique employment opportunities for me. We own a small home that fits our needs. We can all sleep in our queen size beds on nights that she needs us more. We may be able to afford private school for her. I'm teaching her to ski this year - which I wouldn't be able to do if we had a baby. Those little things make me realize that I do like our family of three.

If miraculously I get pregnant, I would be more than thrilled. We would love that. But, we have come to realize we are blessed as three, and are content with our family size.

[EJH]

DD is and will remain an only child (she's 2.5). *I* am an only child and loved it, didn't wish for a sibling and am very close to my parents. I am extremely independent, moreso than my DP who has two siblings. I love, love my time alone and have for as long as I can remember.

DD is in daycare is around kids all day long. Sure, she has sharing issues but that's also partly due to her age. She is the center of our world and yet plays well independently at home...she listens to my music or talk radio in the car though. I do end up making her something separate for dinner almost every night, but that's mostly b/c DP doesn't get home until 8:30 or 9 so I just tend to give her leftovers from the night before or throw something quick together like pasta, which DP can't eat.

My DD is just an independent creature. I don't know how well she would do with a sibling. I think she'd have a real problem sharing the boobs, as she's still nursing. :p

We will be able to do so much more for her as an only child. We both WOHM and have commutes and a pretty stressful life. To throw another child into the mix would be a huge issue with time and money (daycare for two???) -- we live in a redevelopment town so are looking at private school tuition. She'll be able to do as many (or as few) activities as she wants...

MIL is a big "second kid" pusher but that's cuz she wants another grandchild. Then she thinks about it and says no, I think you are right, you can be entirely focused on her when you are home and that's important with how busy your lives are.

I love that she doesn't have to share our attention with anyone after she comes home from sharing her teachers' attention with 7 or 8 other kids.

This post is all over the place but those are my thoughts.

[pixiecat]

I love this thread & will be reading along.

[Pookie]

We very much considered DS being on only child. Ultimatley as you can tell from my sig, it wouldn't end up that way, though. However since DS will be 3 in a couple of weeks I do feel like he's more of an "only child" than his friends who all have siblings. Sure there is more he still wants me to do than his friends, but I really think we have a good balance. My situation is a little different than the OP's as I'm currently a SAHM. My daily life does revolve around DS, but we get together alot with my mommy friends and their kids so I do get adult interaction. I also do get out alot by myself. OTH, my DH is an only. His parents went totally to the extreme where his whole life was very "adult" focused. He very much felt like a third wheel being dragged along to do whatever his parents wanted. I guess my point is that finding a balance between enough kid and adult centered things are good. FWIW, I actually think once #2 is here, I will have less adult time as caring for a baby and 3 y/o will be very consuming. I don't know if I'm making sense, but this was something I thought alot about before getting pg this time.
I just wanted to add after rereading this my DH did actually like being an only, but my IL's can be "challenging" at times.

[Renrel]

I guess in some ways were are doing well because DS is actually very good at sharing, and has been since an early age. The only thing he seems to have a really hard things sharing is me. He has never really fussed about me holding babies, but he is always interupting and trying to get me to listen or play with him if I am taking or interacting with other people, unless he is totally engaged in playing with other kids or tv or occassionally a toy of some sort. If he is not *totally* engaged he is trying to pull me into his world and out of my own world, if that makes any sense. I think that part of the reason for this problem is that I will generally give him priority over just about any other activity so he feel entitled to my undivided attention to a degree that other kids do not. I am sure other kids want mommy's attention and do some of what he does, but I don't think it is a bad. I might be wrong there but that is my impression.

I also want to note that I do realize that a mom of more than one child is gong to find it hard, at least early on, to find adult and me time. But I think, from what I remember of my childhood and what I see around me, that after the youngest hit around age one, the kids start to be able to play alone together allow adults to do adult things rather than playing with them. And that this ability to play together increases over time. I always felt bad for a nephew of mine who is an only and how bored he seemed to get when we had a family dinner and there were no other kids to play with. He would try to interact with the adults but become bored or just not understand how to interact appropriately. The adults would get impatient with him and I think blame his behavior on his ADD. But I think at least half the problem was his not having any peers to interact with. A sibling would have given him someone he was more on par with to play and talk with. He would likely have gotten into some trouble for playing too loud or fighting with the sibling, but I think this would have been seen as normal and expected rather than as a behavioral issue.

[Renrel]

Are any of you also older parents? I am in my earlier 40's and DH turned 50 this year. DS is 4. I sometimes feel guilty that if he does not have a sibling he is very likely to be left alone, as far as immediate, family fairly early in his life. DH and I are both blessed to have both of our parents around and active and still able to help us out, though I am sure in time they will come to need assistance. It makes me sad when I think that it is very unlikely that DS at age 50 will have have the same blessing (which has to do with us getting a late start with the marriage and babies part of life not with being an only) but more so when I think that he will also not have any sisters or brothers to help with us when we are aging and to share his grief and memories with when we are gone. When we are gone, if he is not married, he will only have cousins to turn to as family and his cousins ( 6 in all) all live in other states so I am not sure how close they will end up being. At this point the all love and adore each other when they get to visit but I was the same as a kid and have very little to do with my 2 cousins as an adult.

Of course my mother and her sister have become estranged since my Grandmother's death. The division of her possessions brought out alot of feelings that they had not fully acknowledged or communicated until they had to decide who would get the "good" stuff. They both also have a brother who is mentally challenged and therefore lives in a half way come. They have to work together for his care but are, at the moment anyway, having nothing else to do with each other. So I do know that having a sibling does not mean that everything will be easier, but I still have good memories of visiting cousins growing up and of sitting Shiva for my grandmother as a family.

[Noniitis]

We are only having one child. My DS is actually great a sharing as well. I really like our family dynamic as it is. I only work very part time and my son goes to 2 half day preschools <m,w at the neighborhood school and t,th at a spanish immersion preschool>. I go to the gym 6 days a week so he goes with on the days he doesn't have school. We are involved in a playgroup that is very active as well. So hardly a day goes by that he is not playing with friends. DS is actually the only grandchild on both side of our families as well so he get a lot of adult attention. My older brother and sil makes a point of seeing him and taking him to special outings every other month or so. My Mom sees him several times a week and has made a point to provide us with a weekly date night. My MIL has been SUPER generous with gifts that are going into his college fund. I grew up with 2 siblings and I was a middle child and never liked it. I think my son would make a great sibling but I look at the advantages he has had thus far. He has been to 5 different countries already and he will be 4 in June.

Maybe it would be different if we had not chosen to be one and done. I know the both my husband and I has talked about how well it works for our life.

[dragonfly_71]

My DS who is 2 will most likely be an only. We haven't done anything permanent yet but I did get an IUD so there is no possibility of an oopsie.
What I love about having just one child is that it is so easy to do things with him. I work three days a week and on the days that he is home with me we are always on the go. I couldn't do the things I do with him if there was another baby/toddler involved. Alex gets all our attention and he seems to be blossoming in that environment.
What I am concerned about is the fact that I think DS would be a great big brother. He loves babies and he is great with them. I am also worried that all the attention he gets will make it hard for him later in life when he discovers that he is not everyone's center of the universe.

[Tray85]

DD is an only. She is good at sharing too (we work on it a lot). She has been in so many classes and playgroups - so she's always interacting with other kids. Even though its still tough to raise one, we can still do fun things that I think would be hard (if not impossible) with two. The other night DH wasn't home, so DD and I went out to dinner and had a fun time. She is getting to an age that travel is going to become much more fun & we look forward to getting that part of our life back.

We do a mix of kid things and adult things. Sometimes she'll have her DVD on in the car and other times I want to listen to talk radio (darn it!) :P

She does demand a lot of play from us (or whoever happens to be standing near her). Not sure if that is a girl thing or just her? (Seems like boys in her playgroup play with trains and cars for hours!!)

What I'm running into now is that all of my friends have had second babies and they are limited in where they can go/what they can do...esp. when that second one becomes mobile. This summer will be different as a few close friends now have mobile infants & playdates at the park may not be as easily done.

Anyway - I love our little family and wouldn't want it any other way. I know DD will have to work harder to have playmates, but she's super outgoing & I think that will help. We will try to curb any spoiling & that sort of thing. She already has a great sense of empathy for others & I will help her keep that. I definitely don't want her to think that the universe revolves around her.

Great thread!

[jeepgirl]

Just want to share a thought here... I was an *only* until I was six. So, in a way, I got the best of both worlds. I got attention, etc. but was naturally outgoing so did have friends even though I was an only for so many years. With my brother six years younger than me we weren't necessarily close as children, but I did have to learn to share, and care for another sibling. My brother also got the one-on-one time with my parents because I was starting school when he was born. I really think, in the end, it worked out beautifully. As adults we are close. We both got one-on-one time with my parents, and ultimately, did have to learn to share. Now as adults and watching our parents get older we know we won't be alone.

My husband and I are 31 and 39 years old, and no children yet. I wish we could start our family now so that I could have one now, and then another one in about five years, but, unfortunately we both just went back to school and have a lot of debt/bills to lower before we think about kids just yet. So, although I will not be following my *ideal* I thought I would just put it out there for someone else who might not have thought of this as an "option" as I don't know that people usually plan their families this way.

Just a thought.

~ j.

[dragonfly_71]

I'm just going to throw this out here as an observation because it is something that has made my decision to only have one child even stronger. In my job I am dealing with couples who are separating/divorcing on a daily basis and I have noticed that a proportionately large number of the couples I am dealing with recently had a second child. It is not part of what I do to ask them why they are separating so I have no idea if the new arrival had anything to do with the decision or if it is just a coincidence, but this has definitely made me think.

[Tray85]

dragonfly - I can see this. My friends with multiple children have to be "all hands on deck" every.single.night. My hubby and I take turns with baths, wakeups and sometimes bedtime (he does most bedtimes b/c I have her all day). I would die if I didn't have some downtime every night after watching a toddler all day. Hubby and I bickered the most when we were in the throes of sleep deprivation and were both working insanely hard at the parenting thing. Its still hard now, but much more manageable now that we are getting decent sleep.

I just knew from the core that I wouldn't be able to handle more than one. So for us, having more than one would probably harm our marriage terribly.

[Tray85]

Bumping this thread up to hear more from moms of only-kiddos.

[yby1]

I'm pretty sure that DS will be an only child.

I'm an only child and while part of me wishes that I had a sibling, I was happy as an only child.

DS is so much work that I have no desire for another. He's pretty high needs because of his food allergies and chronic sinus infections and because he's a super active boy. :) I can't imagine having enough energy for another. I work fulltime and I'm spent by the end of the day.

DH has been talking about wanting a 2nd child, but I'm not convinced that I want to try. Honestly, I have my doubts that DH will help me enough with raising two. He's pretty preoccupied with work and his side jobs right now, so that means that it's pretty much me raising DS (along with my parents; God bless them). I'm just not confident that we will have the teamwork to make raising two children work.

[Tray85]

I know - I was (am) so exhausted. I certainly don't feel up to a second. And with my husband already having the snip-snip operation, I'd have some major explaining to do! :D

What tips do you have for raising an only?

[Renrel]

I forgot all about this thread, and I started it. Things are still going well with DS and he is almost certainly going to be a single. I can't see getting PG after 45 and this year I will be too busy dealing with breast cancer to even think about IVF or even getting lucky. I don't think we are going to look into adoption.

DS benefits from all the adult time but is a bit spoiled in that he expects alot of attention. He is unfortunately learning some of the lessons a sibling teachs about not being the center of the universe and being gentle with other due to my current medical condition.

I think his being in a all day preschool/daycare has helped him learn alot that having siblings would. Sharing, not having all the attention, having playmates most of the day. It is not the same, and he probably won't have these playmates for life like he would a sibling, but it helps. And maybe he will be lucky and keep one or two friends for life. That would be pretty special.

One annoying thing I find about having an only is that I can't justify many of the big ticket toys I might otherwise. You can't justify something by saying it will be around for 10 years between 2 -3 kids. You have to really look at the amount of time one child will play with the toy and whether you will actually sell it, which I never do. I hardly even retire toys since DS finds new ways to play with things, but they still don't get used the way they would with a sibling. This is of course not the biggest issue with having an only but it is one that is on my mind with the holidays around the corner. A minor annoyance I had not thought about before in relations to having an only. We would probably have a nice swing set by now if we had more kids but with only DS we keep shopping for a good second hand one and not acting on it.

[Tray85]

Renrel - I've thought about the same things. I donate a lot of stuff she grows out of (baby toys) and have sold some things (donating just seems easier!) For one, its harder to let go if you have an only - you know? Other people just pass down clothes and toys to the next bambino.

How about a topic?

What are some great things about having an only? :)

- Less money! (I have no idea how my friends with 3 deal with college funds!)
- Easier to get errands done with just one.

[karlatta]

- Less money! (I have no idea how my friends with 3 deal with college funds!)
We don't! I don't think that a college education is something that parents are required to provide for their kids. If I can afford to help my kids out with college expenses at the time, I absolutely will. Otherwise, they're on their own to earn scholarships, attend inexpensive schools, and work their way through college.

[Megande]

My little sister was born when I was 15, so I was an only for my whole childhood, and my sister grew up as an only, too. The one area where I really feel like I suffered (and I can see her struggle in this area as well) is in competition/teasing. My parents were likely to let me win at games, and when they won, they certainly didn't gloat or celebrate. Because of this, I don't feel like I ever really learned to be a good winner or loser. I have trouble with competition to this day. And since it isn't really appropriate for parents to tease their children, good natured-ly or not, I had trouble with that when I entered school as well. I just thought I'd throw that out there for moms of onlies to think about.

[Noniitis]

Well as far as the toys go... my DS get more then his friends even if they are not going to be for 2-3 kids... we have 4 bedrooms in our house and 2 on the main floor of our house are play rooms... one a Geotrax room.. one all the rest of his toys.. I am very bad about selling toys too.. but he is a boy that is really into playing with toys.. he share so well and he has no problem playing by himself for very long streches... all thing that make me want to buy more toys that he love.. I am sure this xmas will be insane as he is >still< the only grand child on both sides.

Oh when we play game we do not let me DS win. winning is not an automatic in our house. and we do tease and play around with him.. I do see him becoming sensitive about that type of thing so we work on it. however he has a lot of only children friends so he teases and play with them too.

Our greatest advantage of one:

Hands down travel!! I love to travel with my boy... he is easy. We just got home from a week vacation and wowza I cannot wait to go on the next trip!! I had so much fun with DS! I think it has more to do with the go with the flow attititude my boy has but he just is up to try all sorts of new things and loves learning.. it is fun to travel with him. I just don't think I could do it with more then one. I know I would have to coordinate every thing with traveling with my hubby if I had more and I don't want to have to think about anyone but our schedule with traveling.

I also love to sleep.. my DS was a bad sleeper for 19 months.. I would not go back to that for a sibling. We often talk about fostering.. we have the room the time and the finances... I just don't know how it would change our lives..