Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?

[Larissa]

Slight spin-off of a thread on here as well as many conversations at work (lots of us getting married!!).

One chick at work found out that I was inviting only about 90-100 people to the wedding. Our cut-off is more or less first cousins. She and I have roughly the same budget (about 1/4 of the national average). We got into a most enlighting conversation about how she is inviting 325 people and is planning on 250 attending. I will invite about 100 and plan on 50 attending.

She informed me that if she were in my family she would be insulted and that she wouldn't invite anyone who didn't invite her. We both compared family expectations and found that that was the reason. Her wedding is about everyone being there and mine is about everyone having a sit-down meal once there (it's rude in my family to not have a sit-down meal-they all live far away so this plays into expectations for my family).

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding? 2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you?

1 - Me, I wouldn't be insulted. Different people have different budgets and different wants for their weddings. Some do better with cake and punch for 250, some do better with a sit-down meal for 50.

2 - I'd invite someone who I wanted even if they didn't invite me. I see no reason to hold someone else restricts with their guest list against them if I truly like the person.

[shaqangel]

i think i would be insulted if i wasnt invited to a family members wedding. but for me its more cultural - i am indian, and its hard to explain but u just HAVE to invite everyone and their mama (no questions!) and we have a meal no matter what time of day it is.
however i would draw the line on inviting my cousins husbands in-laws, etc (that happens alot!).

[Atlanta_eBride]

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?

This depends on how close I was to the person. My step-cousin (for lack of a better term) did not invite me to her wedding - no big deal, we're several years apart and I only saw her *maybe* once a year. She had an enormous 'town coveted' wedding that everyone was dying to go to (VERY small town) and I lived hours away. Now if it had been one of my cousins that I grew up with and was with every summer growing up and most holidays I'd be insulted.

2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you?

Nope, we're inviting the step-cousin because she now lives in the same city I do - don't see her a whole lot but feel that if her parents are coming to the wedding from out of town, and since she's located here now, it will be fine.

[Kimberland30]

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?

By my family, not really. But then again, most of my extended family lives on the other side of the country, so I don't keep in contact with them or see them. As far as DH's family, although they live in different states we are all very close. If we weren't invited to one of their weddings, we'd both be offended.


2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you?

In a hypothetical sense, I would invite them. Even if their non-invite of us wasn't for budget purposes (say they just didn't like us for some reason), we'd still invite them because they are family.

[Janey]

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?
If I saw them regularly and we kept in touch, then I wouldn't be necessarily insulted, but I would be disappointed. If I didn't really keep in touch with them, then I probably wouldn't feel disappointed.

I know that one of my first cousins is seriously seeing someone. I'm embarassed to admit that even though we live in the same metro area, I don't even remember the last time I saw her. I did invite her (and her beau) to my upcoming wedding on 9/24, but should she get engaged and decide to do a destination or otherwise small wedding and I was not invited, I would not be offended in the least. I would, however, send her a card and wish her the best in her marriage. :)


2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you?
I agree with Kimberland30. Also... I kinda feel like I'm going to invite who I want to be there, regardless of my prior or possible future invite status to their events. I want my wedding 'this way,' and they wanted theirs 'that way,' and I don't think either should have any bearing on the other.


Just a little aside... ;)

Ya know, through this whole wedding planning process, the whole etiquitte part has been the thing that makes me the most crazy. What is it about two people joining their hands in marriage that makes people suck in their breath a little, sit up a little straighter, and think about just how exactly things 'should' be done, and wonder whether things will be done 'just so', and get really cranky when they aren't? Nobody does this for any other life-changing occasion that I can think of -- graduation, birth of a baby, or even death. But for some reason, people seem to get super uptight about weddings. I don't get it... :confused: :o I just hope that people will give B and me the benefit of the doubt, and realize that if we screwed up, it isn't because we're rude or mean; it's more likely because we're dumb. :p

[tlew12778]

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?
Not really. I have a cousin by marriage who is my age who just got married last year. We grew up together but went our separate ways once college came around. I have not seen her since December 1998 even though I hear about her a lot as I am sure she hears about me. I thought about the lack of invite for about 30 seconds but then I realised it made no sense anyway as hers was a destination wedding to the Bahamas with only her very immediate family and friends. I will not be inviting her to mine for the same reason more or less.

2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you?
That just seems a little petty to me. My guest list is based on who I want to be at my wedding not who they want to be at their wedding, IYKWIM.

[BethElena]

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?
I would be insulted if I was invited but my siblings weren't. That's happened before with us....

2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you? No. That's just petty. If I am close to a person, I will invite them. But in my case, it stopped at first counsins (gees, there's 21 of them!!). I don't get the whole having to invite great aunts & uncles and such, UNLESS you are close to them.

[eli1126]

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?

It depends. My family is very close and if a cousin was having a big wedding I would expect an invite. When an older cousin got married a few years ago I wasn't invited, but they were getting married quickly ;) (bride was due a few months later) and didn't have the money for a large wedding. So they invited those family members that they were closest too. No big deal.

2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you?

No. I would send them an invite. Now, if we're talking old Friends of my DH'S who did this when we had broken up for a period, well that's a whole 'nother story :p

Beth

[lil_geek]

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?
Depends how close of family. My first cousins (we have a small family and see each other at least every other month)... yes I would be insulted.

FH's sister had a very small wedding and didn't invite Aunts/Uncles (whom they see every day) and it was a pretty big deal to those not invited.


2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you?
No, that is petty... We are inviting people who had an effect on us. So if I wasn't close I likely wouldn't, but if we grew up together I likely would.

(That said... there are people I would still choose NOT to invite, but because of the 'closeness' to the family, it's not necessarily an option for us!)

[camberne]

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?

I wasn't invited to my first cousin, Susan's, wedding and I was VERY insulted. She stipulated "no cousins" for her wedding, but she invited every other person she ever met. Her husband, who I adore, said that he didn't realize how close we were as a family until years later and he wondered why she did that.

My mother wasn't invited to my step-sister's wedding. This was two years after my parents got married. I can't remember if she relented and invited my mom or if my step-dad opted out. I know that he told my step-sis that if his wife wasn't welcome then he wasn't going. Now, they are all quite chummy and visit back and forth all the time.

2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you?

I invited all our family on both sides to our wedding with the exception of Phil's "real" mother... but I really lobbied on her behalf to have him relent and at least let her attend the church ceremony if not the reception, but he wouldn't give. Lots of drama there! I didn't particularly want my cousin, Susan, there (even though I would have loved to have had her husband there), but I wouldn't withhold the invite. They didn't come anyway. :rolleyes:

[villanelle75]

I would not be insulted. If it was a family member I had a partiularly close relationship with, I would be disappointed, but otherwise, it would be a non-issue.

It would also not affect who I invited to our wedding or other events. I feel like you invite people to your celebrations whom you are able to accomidate and who you'd lie eto be a part of the event, so some notion of tit-for-tat makes little sense to me. If some of our friends who we are medium close with have parties or do things that they dont' invite us to, that's their chose and I respect it. I don't factor that in when deciding who to invite over for a dinner party on Sunday- if I want to see them and we have the space, I'll invite them, and if I don't I won't. i've never really understood the idea that if somone doens't ask you to play with them, then you'll stop askign them to play with you out of revenge or equality, or whatever. Weird.

[lml41981]

Not the largest family tree, I'm sure, but we have over 150 members on my dad's side, alone. If I had to invite every single family member, it would have been a wreck. Add every single one of my mom's family members, and DH's family members and we'd probably have had 500 invitations for family alone. Wasn't gonna happen.

In my family, the typical limit is the parent's first cousins and their children. Select other cousins are invited if they are very close to the family. Other select cousins have been forbidden at family functions (at least the branch my grandmother for which my grandmother is matriarch) because their children are holy terrors who vandalize the country club and set centerpieces on fire. That did cause hurt feelings, but oh well.

So...as long as the norm is upheld, no, I probably wouldn't be offended if I weren't invited to a family member's wedding. Also wouldn't be offended if I weren't invited to the wedding of a family member on the Holy Terror's branch of the family tree because I'd know it was retaliation.

I would be hurt if I hadn't been invited to my first cousins' weddings.

I didn't base my guest list on tit-for-tat. The only people I said absolutely not to were the Holy Terrors and their family. Partially because my reception was at the vacation home of my aunt - the same aunt who hosted the wedding where the Holy Terrors vandalized the country club and set centerpieces on fire.

[berry]

1 - Would you be insulted if you weren't invited to a family members wedding?

No, not really. I have a huge family and about 30 first cousins. In the last 5 years, 8 first cousins have gotten married. I wasn't invited to each wedding, but the ones I wasn't invited to were either smaller or destination weddings.

My sister is getting married in December of this year. Her and her fiance have chosen to have an immediate family only wedding for this very reason. They don't want to have to invite tons of cousins that they rarely see or spend time with.

2 - Would you refuse to invite them if they didn't invite you?

No. I think this is kind of petty. I would stick to my original list, although I can understand being hurt if you thought you'd be going to their wedding, etc. For my wedding I did choose to invite all my first cousins (and their kids) and I wouldn't have changed this if someone hadn't invited me to their wedding.

[daydreamer]

1. No
2. No

[KrissyCat7]

I wouldnt be insulted unless it was an immediate family member, like my brother or my paents. Cousins and so on wouldnt bother me.

Regardless of if I was invited to their wedding, I would invite them if I was close to them and wanted them there.

[PG-rated]

1. For distant family, no, but for first cousins or closer, yes. There was actually a bit of a flap about ten years ago when one of my cousins got married, because my brothers and I weren't invited. They were doing a "no children" wedding, and my youngest brother was 15, so they didn't invite any of us, but they also didn't warn my parents beforehand, AND that made us the only first cousins not invited. My dad complained to my uncle and we got belated invitations (my parents only wanted an apology, but we all went to the wedding).

2. I used this as the deciding factor in cutting some extended family, but they were people I wanted to cut, anyway. I wouldn't have used this as a reason to drop anyone I wanted there.

[filmgirl7]

1) It would depend on the type of wedding. If a relative as close as a first cousin is having a "big wedding" (not destination or elopement or whatever) then I would expect to be invited. That's the way my family is.

I feel kind of bad because we were GOING to have a big wedding and everyone knew they were invited. Now we're having a small wedding and hardly anyone is invited. I'm wondering who, if any, will be offended.... :rolleyes:

2) No, I wouldn't base an invitation on that. Everyone has their own situation.
For me, I have 19 first cousins and many of them have spouses and children. I hope they all understand (when they find out after the fact) that only 25 people are invited to our tiny wedding, and if extended family was also invited, it would be 75 people (at least!)

[ManteoChik]

1)If it was a close family member, then yes, I would be quite offended. However, if it was someone I hadn't seen in a long time then I would probably feel a little hurt but I'd understand. Now when my bf and I get married there are no exceptions, he has 300 on his side alone that ALL must get invited....they would consider it rude and they are all close.

2)I would still invite a family member even if they didn't invite me to their wedding. I think it's the nice thing to do if I have room to invite them.

*A friend of mine from high school is getting married today. We were pretty good friends in high school and have talked here and there and kept in touch since graduation. I was not invited to her wedding while some of our other friends were. I did feel a little offended because there were people invited that I know she hasn't really talked to at all in a long long time. That is one case where I probably wouldn't invite her to my wedding because I feel like I just wasn't important enough for her to invite me. (I was talking with a friend who was invited and she said to me "wow, I can't belive I got an invitation to "A's" wedding....we haven't talked in at least a year and I didn't even know she was getting married") A and I have talked in the past month and I knew right away when she got engaged.

[kimthebride]

This is SUCH a debate between me and DH's family!

I don't get hurt if someone's budget restricts them from inviting me. We paid for our entire wedding ourselves and more than understand the financial restraints. I also don't get offended if their personal reasons keep me from being invited (for example, an extremely shy groom wants an immediate-family-only ceremony). Weddings should make the bride & groom happy...not everyone in the tristate area. :)

I would never not invite someone who didn't invite me or vice versa. To me, that's playing games. I invite who I want there.

[LisaJoy]

[b]Just a little aside... ;)

Ya know, through this whole wedding planning process, the whole etiquitte part has been the thing that makes me the most crazy. What is it about two people joining their hands in marriage that makes people suck in their breath a little, sit up a little straighter, and think about just how exactly things 'should' be done, and wonder whether things will be done 'just so', and get really cranky when they aren't? Nobody does this for any other life-changing occasion that I can think of -- graduation, birth of a baby, or even death. But for some reason, people seem to get super uptight about weddings. I don't get it... :confused: :o I just hope that people will give B and me the benefit of the doubt, and realize that if we screwed up, it isn't because we're rude or mean; it's more likely because we're dumb. :p

That is exactly how I feel!

I am so tired of the expectations put on me to have my whole "family" there, many people who I have not seen for years or were ever very close with. It feels like I am expected to bring the whole family together when they can't seem to do it on their own for Christmas even anymore. With a cost of over 200$ per person, I don't want this expectation! And I keep being told that I am placing my nil expectations on them, meaning, I would not be hurt, disappointed or insulted if I wasn't invited to any one of their weddings. I'm so tired of trying to make everyone happy when this is all coming out of mine and my fiancés pocket book.