Divorce issues

[jay&erinn]

I'm not sure where else to put this,
My niece is almost 7 years old. My brother and his ex have been divorced since right after her 1st birthday. Long story short, she went and filed for divorce while my brother was at work when a week earlier she was planning a big family vacation with all of us. It was a huge shock. Well, she's basically been a pain in the a$$ since then. She's re-married and things seemed OK for awhile. My brother got engaged in August and things have been a nightmare since. She filed for re-evaluation of child support a few months ago. Nothing was changed, thank goodness, since he pays almost $500/mo for one child (she makes significantly more money than my brother already). My brother decided to go for 1/2 custody. She was served the papers this week. When my brother picked up his daughter today she started crying and said that a judge is trying to take her away from her mommy. She didn't want to go to dance class tonight, doesn't want to have her sleepover birthday party in a few weeks, just wants to go back to her mom. She also now says that she's afraid that my brother's fiance, S, is going to hurt her. If you ask her if S has ever hit her she says no, but that she's afraid she will. WTF?
We don't know what to do. My brother is obviously upset, S is extremely upset and we're (myself, my parents) live 5 hours away, so there's only so much we can help. We're afraid that her allegations and the obvious lies that are being put in her head are going to affect the custody case. I also feel that she is mentally abusing her by placing so much stress on a 6 year old.
Any advice would be great!

[diam124]

Is there any way your brother could get a school counselor to talk to her? I don't know what you could do about the mother bad-mouthing your brother, but it is just not right for her to have to deal with this at such a young age. My parents are divorcing and I'm having a hard time with it at 31, I can't imagine having to deal with that crap as a little kid.

[laura]

I think really the only thing your brother and his fiance can do is reassure his daughter that none of those things are true, basically repeatedly. I mean your brother can try to talk to her about where these things are coming from, try to confirm to her that she is safe with him, he isn't trying to take her away, etc. But honestly, I don't think there is anything he can do to stop his ex from doing what she is doing - unfortunately. It is really he said/she said in these situations and making it an issue in court will only possibly drag the little girl into the middle more than she already is. He could try having an external party intervene (a therapist?) but that could potentially backfire on him in legal proceedings (?).

FWIW, my brother did this with his two daughters for years and they now do not have a relationship with him at all, by their choice (they are 13 and 16 and they haven't spoken to their dad for ~2 years). He didn't ever have full physical custody of them, so his access was fortunately limited to bi-monthly visits, but he badmouthed their mother, told them lies, tried to bribe them and buy their affections, etc. It is really sad to see the situation, but there was nothing we [as the family] could do to stop it. In fact, I no longer speak to my brother as a direct result of his behaviors, but fortunately I have maintained a really great relationship with my nieces. It is really, really hard to watch as an 'outsider' to the relationship but a member of the family, however. My nieces are fortunately remarkably well-adjusted for all the crap they were put through, but my brother remains oblivious and blames the girls (and their mother) for their broken relationship.

[jay&erinn]

My niece has had some minor issues over the years- has some difficulty controlling her emotions, difficulty listening- so she has been in counseling for quite awhile. From what I understand the ex has everyone snowed including the counselor (no doubt since she had the entire family fooled until the day she walked out). They all think of her as a doting mother who does no wrong. Meanwhile, it's a very different story (my niece wears bikini harley davidson underware, mini skirts and belly baring shirts when she comes from their house- has said she's fat when slim pants fall off of her, thinks she needs to go to the tanning bed because it would make her prettier, and says she's a really bad girl when she been disciplined for something). It makes us crazy some of the things that come out of her mouth. They were here visiting this weekend and we went shopping. She went towards some china plates that she thought were pretty. My brother's fiance, S, told her not to touch. As she reached for one of the plates, S grabbed her hand and told her again not to touch. I was standing right there when it happened and S barely touched my niece. Her reaction was to jerk her hand away and start crying. S tried to explain that she wasn't in trouble, that we just didn't want her to break anything. My niece went on to say that S was only being nice so the police wouldn't come take her away for hurting her. Once things calmed down S went to talk to my niece again and she started crying saying she was just a really bad girl (referring to herself). It broke my heart. Apparently this is an ongoing cycle of events when my niece is with my brother. Because the ex has primary custody she gets to pick the counselor and refuses to change. The couselor commented that if my niece thinks S is going to hurt her she should call her mom to come get her. I just don't get it.
The comments she makes are coming from somewhere and I worry that's it's doing permanent damage. It's also only getting worse. Niece's step-dad told her that anything S says she can just ignore. She doesn't have to listen to her. It's crazy. We've all worked so hard not to say anything bad about my brother's ex, it's frustrating that the same doesn't happen. I can't believe any mother would be so selfish as to use her daughter's emotions the way she is. I don't know how else to help.

[Geranium]

I am so sorry for your family. My oldest brother went through a horrible divorce about six years ago. It was a similar situation where ex-SIL just walked out the door when my nephew was 6 weeks old, said she was going to visit her parents and two weeks later my brother was served with papers. The series of lies and allegations that he had to face throughout five court proceedings in three different states was just unreal. Due to ex-SIL's dishonesty in court and her failure to follow any parenting plan, he was finally awarded full custody in Aug. of 2005.
All I can offer is that the truth will always prevail. Encourge you brother to stay consistant in never bad-mouthing the parent. If you want to see my brother's case (it was a benchmark case in the state of TN), I think I can pm you a copy. Best wishes, divorce is such a hard thing for a family to deal with.

[deelcie]

Niece's step-dad told her that anything S says she can just ignore. She doesn't have to listen to her.

DH's ex told my 15 yo stepdaughter the same thing about me. SD promptly told me the next day, rolled her eyes and said "My mom can be such a bitch sometimes." Even though I wholeheartedly agreed with her, I told her not to say stuff like that about her mom. I am great friends with both my stepkids even though SD in particular came into our relationship spewing her mom's hostility towards me right off the bat. It doesn't exactly help your situation at present but some day she will see through her mom's bs. She is just repeating what she hears now and it will be a different situation when she is able to see things a little more clearly down the road. The best thing your brother and S can do is to keep being a steady, kind and loving force in her life. I agree, it is SO frustrating to have to constantly "be the bigger man" and not say anything when it's not reciprocated. Hopefully they can be a haven for your niece when she needs one from her mom's craziness :rolleyes: I have no doubt she will need it at some point.

Good luck, I feel your pain.