If You Have Kids Or Know Someone Who Does, Please Read And Forward

[MrsTazlvr]

I've posted this on LJ, several other places, and I am forwarding it to my friends and everyone else I know. This message is an important one and needs to get out. Thank you so much.


Hi, my name is Cori. If you have children or know someone who does, you need to read this message.
I never thought I would be sending an e-mail like this, but I feel my message needs to get out to as many families as possible. I have 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 years old. I have always taught my daughter about strangers, about good touch and bad touch, and not to let anyone touch her body. I thought I had told her everything. I thought she would be safe. She was never alone with anyone besides family. She never went to a friend’s house without me being there.
Then 6 months ago a new family moved to my neighborhood. I thought it was a blessing. They had a daughter close to my 4 year old daughter’s age and a 10 year old daughter that could help with my younger daughter like a mother’s helper. Even the mom and I became close. The girls usually spent half the afternoon at my house and half at the neighbors’ house. I thought it was safe. I was right next door. I thought, “What could happen?” After all, the mom has kids of her own in the house so my daughter wouldn’t be alone with anyone.
But then the unthinkable happened. The 10 year old girl sexually molested my 4 year old daughter while the 3 girls were playing upstairs in a bedroom. She taught my daughter how to kiss with her tongue. She taught my daughter to kiss each other’s breasts. And worst of all, she had my daughter pull down her pants and panties and they kissed each others’ vaginas. My daughter is barely 4 years old. I had warned her about strangers and about people touching her body- adult strangers, adults touching her body. Thankfully I had one thing going for us. My brave daughter was comfortable enough to come home that afternoon and tell me her secret. I thank G-d every day that she was able to tell me and prevent further abuse.
We warn our children about strangers- ADULT STRANGERS. From talking to my friends, no one thinks to warn their kids about other children who may be predators. All of the friends that I spoke with said that they had the “strangers” talk with their kids but they portrayed the “strangers” as adults. I have heard several stories similar to ours in just the last 2 weeks since my daughter was molested. These stories have been of other children who were molested by friends from school, friends from the neighborhood, etc. I think this is more common than we realize. The police department even has a division for child on child sexual crimes.
At first I was going to keep my story to myself for fear of embarrassment. But then I realized we have nothing to be ashamed of. We did nothing wrong. I want other families to learn from what happened to us. Moms, Dads please talk to your children about strangers and their bodies and please make sure to warn them about other children as well. If I can prevent even one other family from going through this nightmare then this letter will have been worth it.
Thank you for your time. Be safe.

Cori

[mamax2]

Wow - I'm so sorry this happened to your DD. It's definitely not a scenario I had *ever* considered, so thank you for bringing it to light. Best of luck to your family.

[moderngal]

I'm so sorry this happened to your family. Thank you for posting.

[firefly]

Thank you for sharing, and reminding us that our kids are never 'really' safe.

[twainny]

I am so sorry about this. It is shocking to me that a 10 year old would know all that stuff (When I was ten I didn't want to kiss anyone!!!)

Can I ask, what did you do? Did you confront the parents? Call the police? Obviously the 10 year old needs some sort of help.

[roberta]

I am so sorry your daughter experienced this trauma and your family is going such a difficult time. Thank goodness, she felt safe and comfortable enough to talk to you about it. Unfortunately, a similar scenario happened to a close friend of mine when they were a child. This can and does happen.

[MrsTazlvr]

Thanks everyone. Please share my message with any mommies and daddies you know.


Can I ask, what did you do? Did you confront the parents? Call the police? Obviously the 10 year old needs some sort of help.

We told the mom that night. The next day we called Child Welfare and they called the police. It was like an episode of Law and Order SVU at my house. They questioned my daughter a few times and then me since I was the one she told. It saddens me that there is even a division of the police department for child on child crimes like this. I don't think the girl is being charged but I am praying they get her help. I have no contact with the family now so I have no idea.

[Chylynn]

Oh, Cori, I am so sorry! Thank goodness she told you.

[MrsTazlvr]

Thanks Chylynn.

[moderngal]

Cori,
when you have time (and I realize it could be awhile with all of this going on), it might be good for you to post the kinds of things you say to reinforce trust with your DDs. I think many of us worry about our messages getting through, kwim? And obviously yours did b/c your DD trusted you enough to come to you. I think it could be a really good thread here- to share how we communicate on these important topics.

[MrsT]

I am so sorry this happened to your family - and thank you so much for sharing with us.

[kate's mom]

My thoughts are with you, your daughter and the rest of your family.
Thank goodness you have such a strong and safe relationship with your daughter.

[Renrel]

I am sorry you and your daughter had to go through this. We are close to a family who dealt with similiar abuse but from a nanny not another child, it is such a terrible thing to know that your child or a child you are close to has been put in such a situation. I will be sending thought of healing to you and your family.

[MrsTazlvr]

Cori,
when you have time (and I realize it could be awhile with all of this going on), it might be good for you to post the kinds of things you say to reinforce trust with your DDs. I think many of us worry about our messages getting through, kwim? And obviously yours did b/c your DD trusted you enough to come to you. I think it could be a really good thread here- to share how we communicate on these important topics.

When things settle down a bit here I am going to do some more research on how to talk to kids, especially young ones, and post it here and on LJ. Several have requested it. I just don't want to give miss information so I want to make sure I get some good info on it first. I'll be back. ;)

[kindermom]

Thank you for sharing her and on LJ. This is a type of victimization that I would never be worried about. Thank you for sharing and opening my eyes. Best wishes for you and your family. I can not imagine what you all must be experiencing right now.

[Candy]

Oh my g-d Cori. I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. Your DD is such a brave little girl.

She's always been such a great talker. Good thing she still was when she needed to be most. I'm thanful that Maya talks a lot too.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

[DallasLady]

Thank you for having to courage to post this. This happened in my family many years ago, the 13 year old daughter of my stepmom's best friend molested my 5 year old brother in a very similar manner. You are right, we always portray "stranger danger" as being an adult, but it could very easily be another child.

(((((HUGS)))))

[twainny]

WOW - I can't believe how many people here have had this (or something similar) happen to a loved one/friend. It is sad that this is so common. I am also somewhat shocked that it is girl on girl too. I would have to believe that that is uncommon. I guess we always have to watch our kids, no matter who they are with :(

[KK812]

I am so sorry that your daughter had to go through this.:(

I may be way off base here but has anyone talked to the 10 year old about whether or not she had ever been sexually abused? I'm not saying that if she has it is an excuse for what she did(I know it is not at all) but I can't imagine any other way a 10 year old would know anything about that kind of behavior.

Again, I'm so sorry your family is having to deal with such an unspeakably terrible situation.

[MrsTazlvr]

Thanks everyone for your support.


I may be way off base here but has anyone talked to the 10 year old about whether or not she had ever been sexually abused? I'm not saying that if she has it is an excuse for what she did(I know it is not at all) but I can't imagine any other way a 10 year old would know anything about that kind of behavior.


I am no longer speaking with the family for obvious reasons. They police and child welfare were contacted so I have done all I can. It's up to them to figure out what, if anything, happened to the girl.

[KK812]

I completely understand, MrsTazlvr . It is certainly not your responsibility; I was just suggesting the possibility. I'm terribly sorry if it came off wrong.

[MrsTazlvr]

I completely understand, MrsTazlvr . It is certainly not your responsibility; I was just suggesting the possibility. I'm terribly sorry if it came off wrong.

No worries. I didn't mean to sound pissy. I have my period. ;) LMAO Sorry!

[catmom]

I'm sorry this happened to your DD.

I wonder myself how to talk to my kids about this. I think the real problem is when you have two children who are very different in age (like more than 2 or 3 years apart), which can lead to some nasty situations because it's so much harder for the younger child to understand what is going on and that it's innapropriate (I was abused by my 13 year old cousin when I was 7).

[hub1176]

I think the real problem is when you have two children who are very different in age (like more than 2 or 3 years apart), which can lead to some nasty situations because it's so much harder for the younger child to understand what is going on and that it's innapropriate

catmom I agree. I've been thinking about this post a lot. I was molested by a neighbor's daughter and a cousin when I was younger(and I've never told anyone). I honestly think that back in the day it was considered "playing doctor" and thought harmless. It's not.
For me the realization is that my kids require constant supervision - by ME until they are old enough to speak for themselves, and even then it's not a free pass for me.
If for some reason I can't be there the person in charge will be told ahead of time that they need to be in sight of children at all times, no one should be going off in to bedrooms, closets etc. If the kids go outside, we all go outside.
I have already started talking to my 2.5 year old about her body and what's appropriate (touching yourself = okay, touching others,being touched by others = not) - does she "get" it? Not yet. But I hope to keep it up so if/when someone tries something she'll know what to do.
I think parents need to remember that parenting doesn't end when are children become more independent. Just because your child is 10 or 12 doesn't mean you don't need to check on them and know what they are up to. I do think kids should be playing with kids their own age - period -even cousins, siblings etc. and if it's not possible, then direct supervision is required. Because even if they are not being sexually inappropriate, there is a ton of other things that a 13 yo might know/do that you may not want a 4 yo to know or do.
But these have just been my thoughts in the past week or so.

[catmom]

Hub- Yeah, I was thinking about this, too. I actually don't think I really understood how sick this was until I was 12 or 13 myself, and really understood the age difference between 13 and 7, which doesn't really register to the younger kid. But to most 13 year olds, a 7 year old is barely more than a baby. I think some level of experimenting among kids of the same age is to be expected (though I would put a stop to it). It's when one child is so much older than the other that it is clearly a predatory issue.

[maggieb]

Cori, I am so sorry this happened. Thank you for being brave enough to share with others and to help prevent anything like this from happening to anyone else. How is your DD?

[MrsTazlvr]

Thanks Maggie. She seems to be OK. She still asks why she can't play with the younger sister but other than that she's a trooper. Thanks for asking.

[mamax2]

I do think kids should be playing with kids their own age - period -even cousins, siblings etc. and if it's not possible, then direct supervision is required. Because even if they are not being sexually inappropriate, there is a ton of other things that a 13 yo might know/do that you may not want a 4 yo to know or do.
But these have just been my thoughts in the past week or so.

I think this raises an interesting point and one that's especially difficult because this (10-13ish) is just about the age where girls are capable of being a 'mother's helper'. I can see how it would be very easy for a Mom to ask her older DD to keep an eye on the younger ones or for a neighbor to invite a pre-teen girl over to play with the little ones while she gets some work done, etc. I do especially worry about the cousin issue. My nephew loves my DDs and I think he's a really good kid, but there's a little piece of me that wonders 'what if'. And before reading this story, I never would have had these types of concerns about another girl, so I'm so glad it's been shared here.

[hub1176]

mamax2 This is why I think some parents feel they get a free pass once their child gets older/more independent. My first thought when reading the OP was that I bet the mom didn't even think to check on the girls because oldest DD was in with them....I also think it places a lot of pressure on young children (10-13) to be in charge of younger kids without adults physically present. I just don't think a child that age has the judgement to properly watch/supervise small children on their own.

[Candy]

Maya, who is turning 3 this week, used to play next door with my 6yo next door neighbor. The 1st time she played there, my next door neighbor (the mom) was actually babysitting her for me while I finished my Chanukah shopping. She played there probably 2 more times after that. I prefer A (6yo) to play here. I say used to, because I pretty much stopped letting Maya play there about a month ago. Mommy's intuition?

Maya has been asking to play there a lot lately. We usually walk over there together & invite A over to play.

I always thought it was great though that there was a 1.5 yo boy, 6 yo girl & 12 yo girl there to play & watch out for Maya. Not anymore! Oh no! Now I am freaked. You think you know some body.

I don't mind A coming here to play with Maya. She is a sweet little girl & a great inluence on Maya. Also, Maya is a mature 3 and plays best with 4-6 yo's.

[AlisonCO]

Wow, thank you for sharing - I need to look for a book on age appropriate ways to discuss this with my kids!

I hope that your DD is doing OK!

[emschwar]

Wow, thank you for sharing - I need to look for a book on age appropriate ways to discuss this with my kids!

I need to find a book too! Can anyone recommend some good ones?

[MrsTazlvr]

That's step 2 of my plan. I hope to find some good resources to share with everyone as soon as I find a minute to do so. If anyone has any, please let me know. :)

[Dotsie]

Thank you so much for thinking of others at a time like this. I am so sorry this happened to your daughter. Please know you are all in my prayers.
I too would like to find a book for my ds's.

((hugs))

[Kanga]

Thanks so much for sharing this. So often we think of a predator as an adult male, but really it can be anybody. I need to find ways of talking to my 2.5 year old about this, even if all she hears of jibberish. Also looking for ideas on how to bring it up. A LJ friend also posted that she told her dd that even if she's not sure it's something bad, to tell anyways, and you'll never be made to feel like it was something dumb or unimportant.

[alisong]

I've heard many recommendations for this book: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) (http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009).

[jay&erinn]

We have "The Right Touch" which is a read aloud story to help prevent child sexual abuse. I bought it last year, but don't really like it. I'm not sure if my feelings towards the book are because it's so openly teaching about the matter, or not. It's a little long for DD and I also worry that it'll frighten her with the story it tells of a little girl that a neighbor tries to assult. She's 4 and is just starting to understand about privacy. I hate the fact that she's now too old to run around without clothes on when it's more than just DH, me and DD #2 at home- seems like she's losing some of her innocence. The good points of the book are telling about a funny feeling kids get when things aren't safe and to pay attention to those feelings and get away. One of the last pages also talks about babysitters and older kids "playing touching games" and trying to trick kids. The message is good, but seems more tailored to 6-9 year olds.

MrsTazlvr: Thanks for sharing your story. I wish your DD the best in dealing with this, although it sounds like she's a great kid who's handling very well. Your experience opened my eyes on talking to DD a little more on why privacy is important. How have you approached the topic of appropriate/inappropriate touching with your DD? It appears whatever you said was great since she knew to come tell you right away.