Need to get over fear of being hurt...

[HeatherFL]

Okay, so most of you know that Todd and I broke up a few weeks ago. We have since talked, cried, fought, etc and come to the realization that we just do not want to be without each other.

I love this man. I mean I really, really do. And I know he loves me. It is just that I am so absolutely terrified of being hurt again (the divorce was hard enough and though this isn't a marriage, the committment is very real) that I don't know how to just be happy. I am constantly thinking about how I can be hurt again and I know it's not fair.

In the big scheme of things, I should shut up and just be happy. I read what others here are going through and heck I've been through serious things of my own and I feel like I have no business even posting this. But at the same time, of all the places in the world I've felt good about expressing myself it's with you ladies.

We had an INCREDIBLE night last night. And the night before that we went out with friends and had an awesome time. Last night was like a dream. I didn't want to go to sleep because reality was so much better than anything I could ever dream. I woke up and felt sad to start the day. That is not typical for me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just nuts or something.

I don't even know that there is advice to be given. I know it'll take time. I know to live life and to give thanks for what I have. I guess I just needed to get it out.

THANK YOU for reading.

H.

[strawberry4]

Heather,

I think we have all been there at one time or another. Yes, it is scary and you are protecting your heart. But, I learned when I went through something similar that you have to trust yourself and your partner. None of us want to be hurt again...it sucks!

But I would not be with my DH if I did not want to take the risk. It will take time. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy your time with Todd. One day, you will wake up and think, hey, this feels ok, I am going to be ok. You obviously were hurt very badly in the past. Maybe talking to a counselor to help sort out these issues will help. It helped me.

[DiscoDiva]

You're not feeling unusual. I think all of us do things to protect ourselves from hurt. You just have to remember that if you don't open yourself up, you will never have joy either. It's worth the risk!

[Marie]

It is so hard to take the leap and trust again - you open yourself up to so much potential pain. However, we can't live our lives sheltered from everything! How sad to be alone because fear kept you from seeking, finding and enjoying love. I think it is wonderful that you have found this relationship - cherish it, enjoy it and let those nagging fears fall to the far corners of your mind.

I also was divorced - am now married to a wonderful man. I would have missed out on so much if I hadn't taken the chance on love again.

[boilermaker]

In the big scheme of things, I should shut up and just be happy. I read what others here are going through and heck I've been through serious things of my own and I feel like I have no business even posting this. But at the same time, of all the places in the world I've felt good about expressing myself it's with you ladies.


This is absolute nonsense! You have every right to be scared of being hurt again and it is just natural to want to protect you heart....it is also perfectly normal to feel like this and worry about it despite the starving people in Africa.

My only advice is to take it one day at a time. When you get up in the morning, think about what will make you happy that day...and try to do it. Maybe it is spending time with Todd, maybe it isn't. Maybe it is getting in a really good workout..or a lazy evening reading that book you've been meaning to get to. But if you just focus on making yourself happy, just a little bit every day, everything else will come around.

Also, don't forget that this has all happened in a relatively short amount of time. There is nothing wrong with that, but it does take time to get over things and maybe you just aren't these yet...again, perfectly normal.

[ktsb]

First let me say what's happened this week sounds dreamy.

I didn't want to go to sleep because reality was so much better than anything I could ever dream.

It doesn't get any better than this. I'm so happy for you.

I agree with everyone else. What you are feeling is completely to be expected. Take it slooowwww..this may be THE ONE!!

[ejs]

Do you think you actually took the time to grieve the end of your marriage to Aaron? Maybe you need to go through that whole process before you feel ready enough to fully commit to Todd.

It takes a while to be able to let your guard down again and risk being hurt. But I think when you meet the right person, the fear diminishes. Well, that's what happened with me.

Just take your time. Don't put pressure on yourself to rush things. If Todd really loves you, he'll be patient and understanding about why you're apprehensive.

[mkredhead]

I agree with ejs.....make sure you've taken time to grieve the loss of your marriage. I know it sounds stupid, but it is a real loss. Sometimes the next relationship (specifically if it's pretty soon after) is a cover up for hurt feelings.

Hang in there!

Happy days,
mkredhead

[HeatherFL]

Everyone, thank you.

I thought a lot about what was written--taking time to grieve for my marriage.

It is so true. The word grieve. It was like a death. I truly do not know how long it takes to grieve. I think for everyone it is different. As devastating as the separation was, the divorce itsself was not shocking. It was inevitable and I think even when I was in the marriage, deep down I thought it.

I know that I woke up one day and I just did not hurt anymore. I felt ready to move on. My relationship with Todd developed after these feelings. I had also known him for years and somehow the friendship/relationship we had blossomed into something else. We were both so cautious because our relationship was "inappropriate" by most standards. He was my boss for years. He knew Aaron. But it happened and when we told people they were so supportive and now I just help out at the company from time to time. (Much better this way.) When I do let myself go I've never felt better. We spent last night out at the beach. Just walking around and going from place to place to have wine or dinner or dessert all the while talking about the future. And it was a given. It was natural. It was just easy and nice. And perfect. And there's no such thing as perfect (supposedly).

Now, do not get me wrong...I cannot sit here and lie and say that there aren't certain things Aaron does that sometimes sting. But I do feel that I am "over" (for lack of a better term) the separation aspect of our split. That was the traumatic part for me--being asked "the separation".

I guess part of all this is my fear of trusting people. I know I have to open up.

Marie
I also was divorced - am now married to a wonderful man. I would have missed out on so much if I hadn't taken the chance on love again.

Thank you for pointing this out. It's so true.

Thank you all again. Please know I've taken all of your advice and words to heart.

H.

[LittleFredPunkinHead]

Hi Heather! I hope you're feeling better... Something that's helped me in the past is to remember that I can only live one day at a time. You don't have to make any big decisions right now. The only thing you really have to do right now is to be good to yourself- to live your life happily and healthily. I've found that when I keep that in mind, a lot of pressure and worry drops away, and it doesn't take too long after to get to a point where I feel comfortable and capable of contemplating things on a larger scale.

[KKay]

I hope you're feeling better today.

I think what you're feeling is normal. It's hard to take a leap of faith and trust everything will be okay. It sounds like you and Todd have a great relationship based on a friendship. Just take your time and enjoy his company.

[houseblend]

I can totally relate to having a hard time trusting. You have been through so much this past year - of course it is hard for you to trust right now! The others have given excellence advice. I do want to add that, for me, I learned to trust others (especially DH) when I learned to trust myself. DH and I broke up a couple of times before we got married, and after the last break-up trust was especially hard at first.

What I realized through that was that I needed to trust myself to be able to get through another break-up with him. I am a strong woman, capable of many things, and I needed to remind myself of those qualities that would get me through if on the chance things fell through again.

If you learn to trust yourself, trusting Todd will come so much easier.

((HUGS))

[HeatherFL]

THANK YOU all again. :)

What a great week this has been for the both of us. It's nice. It's just *SO NICE*.

I sooo appreciate all of your support.

H.

[Oakley]

Heather,

I'm glad to hear that you and Todd are seeing each other again. :) You've sounded so happy in all the posts you've written since you've been seeing him. I really hope that he doesn't hurt you- because there would be a lot of ladies willing to kick his butt for you! :D

I've always been the type of person to put all my heart into a relationship and it's definitely caused me some hurt! But in the end it was worth it.

I really wish you guys the best!!

[LIZNKEITH]

Heather! I didn't know you were over here!! It's so good to "see" you!

Sorry to hear that you had a rocky patch with Todd. I'm glad that the two of you were able to work through your problems and find some peace. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.

Do you have a journal over here?

[KGif]

Hey Heather! I was KellyKW over in "the other" place and was a sometimes poster in your journal over there (both home and photo journal - I am STILL trying to take pics like you and STILL am struggling with it!)

It sounds like you've gotten a ton of good advice from the ladies here so all I can do is second it ... if you love this man you just need to go with that and see what happens. It's natural to be scared - who wouldn't be!? But it sounds like Todd is a great guy who understands your concerns. Put your heart into it if that is what feels right. Nothing is guarenteed but judging by the pics you've posted of you and Todd i'd say that nothing but GOOD THINGS will come of this relationship. You just look so happy together!

Do you have a journal here? Or on LJ? I have one on LJ .. let me know if you use that site and I will "friend" you.

[HeatherFL]

It's so nice to see "old" faces. :)

I haven't started a journal here yet. I am sure I'll get around to it. LOL the "My Crazy Life" journal!

Things are going great. There have been a couple of bumps and I admit it's not always easy, but I am happy. Really happy.

Thanks to everyone again for the ear (eyes!).

~H.