Christian (esp. Methodist) funeral customs

[tenofcups]

DH's grandfather died this morning and I'm trying to get an idea of what to expect in the next few days. This is the kind of thing that DH is particularly unhelpful with under the best of circumstances (ie, being able to describe what is "normal" for his family) and I don't want to push him. The grandfather was in his mid-90s and in a health downward spiral so this isn't at all unexpected, but still... FWIW, I'm Jewish so I have an idea of Jewish funeral customs, but I've never been intimately involved with a Christian death/funeral.

All we've been told so far is that the funeral will most likely be Thursday. When I asked DH if I should expect the family to gather before or after, he said it was unlikely except for right after the funeral. The grandfather was Methodist, so I imagine it will follow traditional Methodist norms (although his children are a variety of religions and religious leanings).

Can anyone share what is likely to happen in the next few days, if anything? Or give me an idea of what the funeral service might be like? For example, is an average one 15 minutes or an hour? Do people all go to the cemetary afterwards? If there anything I should be especially aware of in terms of what to do or what not to do, what to wear or not, what to say or not?

I tried looking this up and couldn't really find anything. I would ask DH's mother what the "protocol" is, but it's her father. Any help appreciated.

[MrsWilson]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am Methodist and funerals I have been to have been fairly short, about an hour. Usually the preacher speaks and one or two others. I have been to a couple where a hymn is sung. A program will be available to let you know how the service will go. There might be a wake/visitation the evening before or it might happen for a couple hours before the service. Dress is basically what I would wear to church, a dress or nice pants outfit. As far as I know, there is no real dress code, just something nice, not jeans. Usually it is mentioned if everyone is invited to the cemetery. Sometimes it is family only, but most of the time there is a processional behind the hearse. Sometimes the family will gather at someone's house (close relative) after the funeral, but that is more what is in the family's tradition more than anything else.

[ManteoChik]

I am methodist, and I come from a big ol' southern family. In our family, everyone gets into town and we all visit with each other before the funeral. The day before there is usually always a viewing at the funeral home. The day of the funeral everyone attends service at the church, and then proceeds to the grave-site where a short prayer and a few more words are said. After the burial most everyone heads back to whatever house is the meeting place. This is where the food and condolences are.

One of the last funerals I attended at our church instead of going back to the house, a lunch was hosted in the hall of church after the burial.

[laura]

I was Methodist once. In my [rural, midwest] town, it is traditional to have a wake the day before or morning before the funeral. The wake takes place either at a funeral home, or sometimes at the church. The funeral itself lasts I would say 40 minutes or so, and then to the cemetary afterwards. At my childhood church, it is traditional to have a reception at the church afterward; the women of the church provide the food, pot-luck style - but I would imagine this is not the custom most places. When my grandma died, we did everything traditional for the town b/c she was active in our church and she had provided for so many services herself as a 'church lady'. For her funeral, I did a reading that my g-ma had requested, but no one else in my family spoke. There were 2 songs IIRC sung by a church provided vocalist.

[AHammer]

First off, I'm sorry to hear about you and your husband's loss. I'm a methodist, and there really aren't any unique customs that you'll encounter over the next few days. As others have said, the funeral will probably be anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, if he's being buried instead of cremated there will probably be a gathering at the cemetery, then family and friends will probably be invited back to the church or someone's house for food and company.

You could use the time immediately after the cemetery service or the post-service gathering as the time to express your condolences to his close family (his wife, his children, brothers/sisters, etc).

Oh, one other thing that I've encountered at a few methodist funerals - if it's open casket, sometimes everyone is invited, row by row, to walk past the casket while some music is playing. The ushers will direct the rows when to come forward. I usually pause for a few moments by the casket, say a brief prayer for them, and then go back to my seat. I'd say this has happened at 25% of the funerals I've been to and happens towards the end of the service at the church.

[amew]

Most of my family is Methodist, and I think you'll find that customs vary quite a bit by family and region--there is really no standard Methodist funeral. My family actually doesn't do funerals (oddly, my grandmother called a moratorium on them because she found them depressing, and no one has bothered to reinstitute them since her death). We just have a grave side service where the minister says a few words and a family member or two reads a favorite poem or says something personal about the deceased. It generally takes maybe 20-30 minutes. Then we all gather after for food at someone's home.

I have been to several Methodist funeral services for families that are "allowed" to have them, and they have all been around 45 minutes to an hour. The ministers reads some Bible verses and says something about the deceased, a hymn or two is sung, and generally one or more family members speak. If it's open casket (I've been to some that are and some that aren't), people file by at the end and view the body. Then those who wish (generally family and close friends) go to the grave side for the burial. In my experience, there has always been a gathering at a home after, and there has never been any kind of official wake the day before or anything (the out of town family may get together the night before, but not for a wake per say).

[AmyE]

OP - mine is actually a combined Methodist/Jewish family. Generally I find that milestones are marked with more rituals on the Jewish side, no matter how "observant" v. "secular/Reform "the Jews involved. There is just an expectation, a protocol...a ritual that is followed for deaths (and marriages, births, bris, b. mitzvahs, etc etc) that everyone in the community tends to know and follow.

For the Methodist/Episcopalian side, I find there is a LOT more variation, and it depends more on the wishes of the deceased (if known/communicated) or the immediate surviving family. As a PP said, there is a lot of leeway. I think you will find this the case for most Protestant denominations.

Your DH may not be able to help you until the family decides what they want to do, and it may take a couple of days for them to decide on a program. And since no one wants to bug the widow or grieving adult children with pesky logistical questions, it's not always easy to spread the word.

On practical matters: dress conservatively for any of the events(as the wife of a close family member, you will likely want to stick to black, navy or dark gray. When DH's grandfather died, I wore very dark navy and pearls.) You probably won't need to say much, so an expression of sympathy for the immediate family and a warm memory of the deceased to share is probably all that you will need. If it seems appropriate, be helpful during any the events if you can. I kept smaller kids busy and cleared some dishes at the lunch after the funeral, for example. Just ferried stuff back into the kitchen. I felt like I was "family' but not grieving myself, KWIM? Easier to figure out my "place" by just keeping unobtrusively busy and staying out of the way.

[ManteoChik]

Oh, one other thing that I've encountered at a few methodist funerals - if it's open casket, sometimes everyone is invited, row by row, to walk past the casket while some music is playing. The ushers will direct the rows when to come forward. I usually pause for a few moments by the casket, say a brief prayer for them, and then go back to my seat. I'd say this has happened at 25% of the funerals I've been to and happens towards the end of the service at the church.

ITA. I forgot about this. A lot of people find it a little strange, but trust me, it won't offend anyone if you choose not to. At one wedding for a friend of ours who was also Methodist had an open casket funeral service. After all was said, each row got up and made their way by the casket on the way out the door. My BF and our friend were really upset by the funeral because they were very close with the guy and just didn't want to see him that way. We stayed in the pew until the whole congregation was out of the church and we got up and left.

Again, its very common to have some sort of reception afterwards. My family always jokingly calls us the "fried chicken religion" because almost every event involves some sort of food or reception. Its just part of family and friends coming together to celebrate the good times had in the past and that will happen in the future.

[tenofcups]

Thanks everyone for your responses. It's been helpful to get some idea of what to expect.

What we heard later today is that the funeral is scheduled for Thursday. Apparently there will be a morning viewing for immediate family only and then just family at the cemetery followed by a memorial afterwards at the nursing home/retirement village where he lived, and then I think some sort of luncheon.

DH is very kind and usually willing to help anyone with anything, but definitely has some issues with religious institutions in all aspects and especially when it comes to religious ritual and death. He also has a very uneasy relationship with his parents when it comes to religion (they're fundamentalist Christians now; he practices nothing).

He already doesn't want to go to the viewing and I've asked him to reconsider -- basically told him straight out that even if it means nothing to him, his role is to be there for his mother and certainly not to cause her any additional stress. I think we'll end up going.

And based on your comments, I've also suggested that we go to where his mother and her sisters are tomorrow, even if only for an hour or so, just to be there for his mom and to show our respect.

AmyE: I thought your comment was especially interesting about the differences. I'm not at all religious, but I know exactly what will happen at any funeral in my family or with my Jewish friends' families.

The details might vary somewhat, but like you said, I know what the general routine is and what's expected of me in different roles (granddaugher, niece, friend of daughter, etc.). I never really thought about it, but there is a certain comfort there to me that I know what to expect and what to do and that I can pretty much count on certain things.

[attorneymom]

I'm not Methodist, but I was raised in a Protestant religion (Lutheran). I think our "customs" are similar. When my dad passed away, we "received" visitors informally (whenever someone dropped by) from the day he died until well after the funeral. This may be, in part, a rural thing, but tons of neighbors and friends dropped by for 5-10 minute visits, and to drop off food.

The day before the funeral, we had a 2-3 hour viewing at the funeral home. My mom, brother, and I sat outside the room where the casket was, and greeted visitors as they walked in. My brother and I also took that opportunity to walk in together and have a private goodbye with our dad.

Part of the reason why my DB and I did the "formal" goodbye the night before was because the funeral was closed casket. Although my dad died suddenly, he had made it very clear that he wanted a closed casket service. You might expect closed or open for your family member.

The funeral was about an hour, and was a bit nontraditional (in the Lutheran sense) in that we had a cowboy poet, and a couple of readings. The pastor gave an informal sermon, we sang songs, and then when the service closed we walked to the cemetery for a short graveside service (the cemetery is right behind the church).

That's a very long and cathartic way of saying that I think that funerals in Protestant faiths vary quite a bit, even within denominations.

I also wanted to say that I agree that you and your DH should go to wherever his mom is to offer support. You don't even need to say much -- just be there.

[usafwife]

I'm a Methodist and for any family funeral we've had people bring food and other items by the house for a few days following the death until the day of the funeral. We usually have the visitation the night before the funeral at the funeral home. The funeral could either be at the funeral home, the church, or if none of those places are large enough there have been some at the municipal auditorium, local high school gyms, etc.

Most of the funerals I've been to have lasted about 45 minutes (some have been an hour long). There are a couple of hymns or songs during the service. The minister usually reads the obituary and gives a little short sermon/reads Bible verses. At the end of the service the ushers will direct each row to pass by the body as a final goodbye. Once all the guests have had a chance to go by they will allow the family to have their final goodbyes. Once that is done if they are having a cemetery service that is what happens (if the person wants to, nothing says you have to go). Sometimes families decide for it to just be for family so no one else is invited. Just depends upon what the family decides to do if everyone is invited or not but there would be announcement by the funeral home personnel what the wishes were.

For family and sometimes friends there could be a lunch at the church or home served by the ladies of the church (we have several funeral dinner circles and each one takes turns serving the meal) if the family wants to have one.

As far as dress goes, just something nice. Nothing that draws attention to yourself. As far as him having to say anything, he doesn't. Just being there for his mother will be very good support.

I'm sorry for your loss.