Fun with online dating...

[Ribbit]

I'll admit it...I am an online dater. I have lots of funny/horrific stories from my experiences, but I just had to share this one (even though this isn't technically from a date). A friend of mine wanted me to take a look at his profile, and since it is "hidden" he had to send me a message so I could see it. This is the message he sent me:

Haven't we met somewhere before? I feel like you are the perfect woman and I am the perfect man and together we can have the perfect child. Our child will rise up and take over the world while we travel and enjoy the lands of milk and honey. I am rich and have a big dick and when I cum an explosion of diamonds shoots out in every direction.

Please write me back as soon as you are mentally and physically prepared for my total onslaught upon your delicate frame. Let's seal our fate and bring the world to it's knees. My dial of desire is set at 11.

You are now in my crosshairs and I will take aim upon your very soul.

Forever yours,

He cracks me up! Funny he didn't take my advice into making this his profile... I hope those of you familiar with the online dating world will get a good laugh out of this as I did. :D

[JenInAZ]

That is hilarious! Love it. It's refreshing to come across people who are creative and have a good sense of humor.

And for the record, I met my new husband through online dating :D

[Ribbit]

OMG...he just sent me message #2...I almost peed my pants! Thank god I know he's kidding, or this would be really creepy (but not far from serious messages I've received, unfortunately). Here it is:

I wrote you 9 minutes ago. Why didn't you write back? You are the perfect fit for all my dead wifes dresses. She had good taste and I spoiled her to the grave. She left a full wardrobe and a matching set of kitchen knives. Her name is Jauquline and your's will be too once you offer yourself to me fully. There is no way to deny the burning force of desire that exists in your heart to make my meals and pack my lunch. You will always remember to cut off any crust on my sandwiches. This was Jauqulines last mistake and what happened to her was necessary. She never learned. I cannot tolerate one mistake. I'm already a little upset that you are not here already because I cannot exist without you here with me now. The first thing I will require is that you lose all contact with anyone you know or think you know. They are not looking out for your best interest the way I am. The second thing I require is that you are here now, which you are not. and this upsets me to no end. We are never going to make if you don't take the first step and contact me. When I first put my eyes upon you - you must grovell before me and call me your god. You can watch Weel Of Fourtune at 7:30 Monday through Friday - but that is all you can watch - and you will thank me for it. I cannot allow Oprah to brainwash you the way she did my last wife. She will infiltrate your mind with ideas and there is no turning back. Pat Sajak is the man-god of the apocolypse and Vannah White is his bitch-whore that he has roped up like a carnival mule. The romance between us has already begun to perfume the air around me with it's sweet scent. I am here to imprison your love for all time. Your feminine charms are no match for my masculane fists - just remember that.

[gayle]

Sorry, but this guy sounds like a creep.

[shoegal]

Tom Cruise is that you? LOL

[julietchicago]

It's a little funny & a little creepy. I think he has too much time on his hands to be honest.

[imagirliegirl]

LOL! He sounds kind of fun! You should go out with him (in a very public place). :p

[Toonces]

I am rich and have a big dick and when I cum an explosion of diamonds shoots out in every direction.

Your feminine charms are no match for my masculane fists - just remember that.

He sounds very creepy to me. You've never met him? A lot of what he wrote crosses the PC line and for someone you don't know to go there, it's kind of weird.

[Ribbit]

Oh, no...let me be clear. This guy is a long-time friend of mine. I know him in person already...he's just joking! He wanted me to look at his profile on yahoo (you know, get a woman's perspective), but it's set to private, so he had to send me a message so I could look at it, otherwise I wouldn't be able to find it. He just sent this to be funny, rather than just sending me a "hey, look at my profile" type message. He is definitely NOT like this in real life...he's just making fun of all the creepy messages I do come across in online dating (we talk about our online dating adventures all the time). I just got such a kick out of it, I had to share! :D

[lawyergirl25]

Not completely unlike some of the messages I've received in the last few months. ;)

[Hello Kitty]

Um, sorry, I don't think this post is work safe. Maybe you should edit your title.

[ejs]

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't find jokes about dead wives and physical and emotional abuse funny.

[villanelle75]

Nothing cracks my sh!t up like domestic violence jokes!

[Ribbit]

I don't think dead wives or abuse are funny, either, but I DO think the guys who write similar stuff in their profiles or emails and think they are going to get dates that way are hilarious (and not in an "I want to date you" kind of way, but a "Seriously? those lines work for you?" kind of way). THATS what my friend was making fun of (albeit in a very over the top way). I thought he was very clever...didn't mean to offend.

[pocahontas]

It's cool...I didn't get my "panties in a bunch" over it since he is your friend and was joking with you and I am hoping, praying, and assuming he is NOT putting this kind of crap online in his REAL yahoo profile. But I did *snort* (good thing I wasn't drinking anything) at Pat Sajak being a "man-god" and Vanna being his "bitch-whore". LOL :D Hilarious! (She always seemed a bit "airheaded" to me and that description was hysterical!)

[HeatherFL]

Ribbit Amanda (roomie) and I were sitting here laughing our asses off. I understand the context, and he sounds hilarious. Now how come you aren't going out with him? ;)

I wrote you 9 minutes ago. Why didn't you write back?
SO.TRUE.

~H.

[malala]

I think that's really funny. I get your friend's sense of humor.

[Fenway]

OMG! That's so funny!

[WonderWoman]

That was laugh-out-loud funny! Your buddy reminds me of a lot of my college guy friends...they say stuff like that with straight faces, but they are kidding. I like your friend, he's funny, dead wife jokes and all! :D:D:D

[Fenway]

Now how come you aren't going out with him?

Ummmm... Yeah??? He's single, has a fun sense of humor... What gives?

[Lydia]

This is hysterical!

[akacharlotte]

LOL-You mean he did not include a picture of his diamond shooting penis? ;) Doesn't he know the way to get a faster response is to include a photo of said goods? LOL.

[shoegal]

Seriously, he does sound like a funny guy. I love guys with a dry sense of humor (which is an art form IMO). I guess this is why I end up staying away from the whole online dating thing because of some the posts come off sounding like this and they are totally serious too. Maybe for my birthday I will take the plunge and buy one month on eharmony. But then again I have become a pessimist in the dating arena.

I understand he is a good friend but have you thought about dating him? Just a thought. :)

[shoegal]

LOL-You mean he did not include a picture of his diamond shooting penis? ;) Doesn't he know the way to get a faster response is to include a photo of said goods? LOL.

Stacey I just spit out my tea! Oh the mental pictures!

[Ribbit]

Oddly enough I met him a couple of years ago on an online date...we went out, had a great time, and somehow just didn't "click" in the romantic sense. But, we really got along well, so we've stayed good friends...he's the guy friend I can call any time I'm having boy troubles, and I'm the same for him (for girl troubles). Hmm...now y'all have me rethinking our friendship! ;)

[WonderWoman]

And you know you'll always be taken care of if his penis shoots diamonds...

[gayle]

I guess I missed the part that you actualy know this guy, which does make some of it funny.

However,I still say joking about dead wives and abuse is totally NOT funny under any circumstances.

[Kimberland30]

Oddly enough I met him a couple of years ago on an online date...we went out, had a great time, and somehow just didn't "click" in the romantic sense. But, we really got along well, so we've stayed good friends...he's the guy friend I can call any time I'm having boy troubles, and I'm the same for him (for girl troubles). Hmm...now y'all have me rethinking our friendship! ;)

I have a guy friend who I met the same exact way...over 8 years ago (man, that is a LONG time). We are both married to other people, but he would totally write something like this if he were online dating. I love it and found it hilarious.

[R_mageddon]

I guess I missed the part that you actualy know this guy, which does make some of it funny.

However,I still say joking about dead wives and abuse is totally NOT funny under any circumstances.

I regarded it more as satire than 'joke'. A commentary on how rediculous many real men/messages can be in online dating. It's humorous in that train wreck OMG I can't beleive people actually SAY these things sort of way.... then you breath a sigh of relief that no one you know acts that way and shake your head at how sad it is that there are people in the world that do.

[KGif]

I agree with you R mageddeon ..
I don't believe her friend was trying to actually poke fun or make light of dead wives or abuse - but rather comment on the stigma of online dating - writing the email as tho he was the sterotypical online dater that used to come to mind in the 'days of old'. You know when people thought "You met him ONLINE!?!?!? Only WEIRDOS meet people that way!!!!".
And I do think it was funny in that sense :)