Strange teacher situation

[penybryn]

My son is in 7th grade at a local public middle school. He has a new teacher this year for music who is also new to the school.

Today he came home and said this teacher has been allowing him and 2 of his friends to come to his classroom at lunchtime instead of the caf and watch movies (teenage mutant ninja turtles!) with him and eat there.

This immediately sent up a red flag to me. Is that wrong? Why would a grown man want to eat with a couple of 12 year olds? I brought this up to my son and he said he really likes this teacher. He is cool.

This morning I called the principal and explained the situation to her. She immediately said the teacher was out of line and she would handle it. My son said he would be furious with me if I called his school but I told him I didn't care. His safety was my first concern. I told him that he was never to go there for lunch again, alone or with friends.

This teacher also came to his school basketball game last week and it gave my husband (who was there) the creeps.

Did I handle this correctly?

[MrsBeckyLP]

I guess you have to go with your gut, but I don't know if I would have reacted the same way.

This sort of thing happened all the time when I was in junior high and high school. We'd get passes to go sit in a "cool" teacher's room during study hall or lunch or whatever. I'm only 24, so this wasn't too long ago. I know things have changed even since then, but still.

What did the teacher do to creep out your husband at the basketball game? Lots of teachers attend those kind of events to show their support. I don't think that in itself is odd.

[EuropeBride]

Absolutely. If I had children, I would have done exactly the same thing.

[Jaycee]

It would totally creep me out do. I think you did the right thing by reporting it.

[diam124]

Yeah, I think it's kind of odd. I remember some classmates in high school who would spend free time in a classroom with a teacher, but it was a science teacher and they generally helped him out with stuff (watering plants, feeding and taking care of the animals in the classroom, etc.) or did their homework, etc. It wasn't like they were hanging out watching movies together.

I also think junior high boys are at a vulerable age (going through puberty and/or not quite sure of themselves) so I would be concerned that a teacher was trying to be-friend them as "one of the guys" rather than a mentor-type relationship. It's one thing if he just let them use his classroom while he did other stuff, but to be joining in with them seems like he's trying to build a relationship there.

[KristyK]

In this day and age there is no reason for a teacher to have boys in his classroom alone to "watch movies" instead of heading to the cafeteria with the other kids. There are way too many perverts out there, many of them teachers.

You did not over-react. I'd have done the exact same thing. The teacher is new, nobody knows him, he could be a pedofile. I'm not saying he is, but it was a big red flag to me too.

As for the basketball game, I'd agree with Becky, lots of teachers go to show their support. But, if the man is a pedofile, thats his "scouting" territory.

Good luck with your angry teen, he'll get over it. You did nothing wrong, and IMHO did the absolutely right thing!

[oshannon]

I think I probably would have reacted the same way. It's most likely nothing, but the principal's reaction tells me that he/she feels the same way you do. Truthfully, even if the teacher's intentions were perfectly innocent, he has taken a huge risk in singling students out this way. The only way I can see this being a reasonable thing is if they're concerned about one of the students and hoping that some smaller-group interaction might help them in some way (open up about a problem, make a better connection to the school, whatever), but I would think the principal would have shared that.

[SpelKen]

You'd have rather done this than not and have something happen. Not even with your son but possibly with some other child. It's a shame but in this day and age you really have to be careful and I don't think you were too careful.

FYI, something I never thought about but there was an article on CNN about cell phones and the need to check them. Apparently predators are crossing the line with kids by using cell phones to text kids and become friends. The danger is that you'd normally see (or in this case hear of) behavior that's too much attention and a little weird so it would make a parent or other adult pay attention but with cell phones they're getting tons of attention/interaction and no one's the wiser that it's not just a classmate but an adult in an inappropriate interaction.

[sea74]

My older brother teaches (5th grade) and I could kind of see him letting a student eat iin the classroom if they didn't want to eat in the lunch room. I could be wrong and I'll ask him tonight about it.

I will say that my brother is by far the most popular teacher in his school. He's had parents fight w/the principal to get their kids in his class, he's been the most-requested teacher for years, whenever we're out somewhere we're always bound to run into a family who used to have kids in his class or currently do and they all come up to him and want to talk to him. The kids and parents really like him. He also gets asked by the kids all.the.time to come to their sporting events and the like and sometimes he goes. It means a lot to the kids that he's there.

But this is not to say that your son's teacher in not creepy or weird. Only to say that maybe your son asked the teacher if he would come watch his game. Do you know if the teacher has been to other students' games? I also seem to remember teachers in H.S. coming to our sporting events. We all thought it was cool that they came.

Also, you said this teacher is new to the school so you don't know anything about him. My brother has been teacher in the same school district for YEARS and parents know about him from his good reputation so maybe that's why more parents feel comfortable.

Above all else, I'd go w/your gut and make sure you son knows you have his best interest at heart.

[KrissyCat7]

I think I would have reacted the same way. Although I may have confronted the teacher instead of the principal.

[Marisa]

It sounds like you went with your gut and ultimately that couldn't be a bad thing.

Eating lunch in the classroom is probably crossing the line as far as school rules (esp. since they're showing movies), but as a former teacher I have seen this sort of thing before. I guess as a female no one would have thought of me as a potential predator, but I had kids wanting to eat lunch in the library with me all the time (to look at books, use the computer, etc.) Hopefully in your situation it was something similar -- watching movies in a small group is way more fun/relaxing than having to brave the wilds of the cafeteria.

Also, in my school we were definitely encouraged to attend school events outside of school when possible, to boost morale. The kids needed to see that we cared about them, not just from 8-3, M-F. I went to basketball games, art shows, parades -- none of which I had anything really to do with.

[HeatherFL]

Disclaimer: I'm not a parent, so I don't know how I'd react in your exact situation (but I once was a pretty popular teacher.) How I feel I'd react:

On the surface, I am going from my own personal experience. I don't see anything wrong with it. I used to eat in my teacher's classrooms when I was in school. Sometimes my friends and I would have really cool teachers, and we'd want to. The discussions in their classrooms were a bit more profound than cafeteria talk. I do understand, however, that's not happening since they're watching movies. Still, we're so creeped out by the media do we (general we) think it's not possible that kids can hang out with teachers during a lunch hour and it be nothing more than innocent because the kids just happen to like the teacher?

And I don't think it's abnormal for teachers to show up at school sporting events. Did he do something specifically that creeped you out?

~H.

eta: I agree with the PP who wrote she would've gone directly to the teacher instead of to the principal. I would have also asked my son questions about what happens in the classroom besides watching movies. Had that not rectified the situation, then I would've gone to the principal. Your son likes this teacher. I understand he's not an adult, but at 13 or 14 years of age it may have hurt his pride and feelings a bit that you didn't trust him enough to make the right decision in this case. If he and his friend feel comfortable around this teacher enough to want to spend time with him, I'd want to know why. Teenagers are funny, it's possible he could feel bad for doing something wrong even when he wasn't. Is there a reason you didn't feel you could go to the teacher, and went to the principal instead?

[penybryn]

I'm not so concerned about the basketball game, especially since my husband was there. But they sat way up high in the bleachers and my husband said our son was right up next to him. He isn't usually observant so if this gave him weird vibes, I believe it.

I understand he just wants the kids to think he's cool (they call him G-dog) but there has to be a line of respect. I felt like seeking out a few kids to be alone with was just plain creepy. If he wants to eat with them, go to the caf with everyone else.

Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I felt like if I didn't address it, I would be nervous every day I sent my kid to school. I have to feel he is safe there.

Did anyone else just have a gut feel?

[Southlooper]

Teachers are encouraged to "bond" with their students, so spending time outside of a formal class setting is not unusual. However, alone in the classroom, no. When I was teaching we were always reminded to CYA and to NEVER put yourself in a situation that can be construed as inappropriate. If this teacher wanted to get to know the students a little bit better perhaps (like the op said) he could have eaten lunch with them in the cafeteria or arranged a formal movie lunch hour and invite everyone.

It's good that you brought it to the principals attention. This is a management issue and the principal needs to be aware of it.

Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I felt like if I didn't address it, I would be nervous every day I sent my kid to school. I have to feel he is safe there.

Did anyone else just have a gut feel?

Always trust your gut. So your kid is mad at you, think of the alternative.

[Sha259]

It sounds like you went with your gut and ultimately that couldn't be a bad thing.

I ditto this. You felt weird about the situation and went with your gut, which was the right thing to do, for you. If you felt uncomfortable with what the teacher was doing, no one can fault you for being careful with your child's safety.

Personally, I cannot say how I would have felt. I do find it off-putting that a teacher of 7th grade students is inviting only a few to do special things. That to me smacks of favoritism, and that's not the best way to grow relatonships with students IMO. Young kids are really impressionable. I know I had teachers who would let us do similar things...when I was in High School (10-12 grade).

On the other hand, I don't think that he did anything really inappropriate, yet. But it can't hurt to be diligent. I would just be careful to voice concern, but also be aware that this teacher may not have any harmful intentions to anyone's children. Why not talk to him and get some answers straight from the horses mouth. Going straight to the pricipal may cause panic when non is warranted.

I hope it all works out in the end.

[HeatherFL]

Besides telling your son what you were going to do, did you discuss this with him at all? As a parent you have every right to feel good about your child going to school, and being in a safe environment. I guess I just wonder about your son and his feelings on the subject too. I understand you are the parent, and what you say goes. But as teenagers kids are learning who they are. They're learning about what types of people they want to be, and who they want to expose themselves to. I just wonder how he felt that even though you were his mom, you questioned his judgement and then was told you "did not care". (And please understand I know as an adult your judgement overrules, and is far more developed than his.)

I know people say teenagers "will just get over it", but I think it goes deeper for them. They're in between childhood and adulthood, and it's a confusing time. He may feel like he did something wrong when he didn't.

I know you don't owe your son any explanations, but since you asked if others felt you handled the situation correctly, I think you could have been more communicative with your son.

Also you asked about why a grown man would want to eat with twelve year olds? I guess you could ask why he'd want to dedicate his life to teaching them too. Or why women want to teach at all boys' schools. It's sort of an unfair question. I used to love my second-graders. I didn't mind spending extra time with them. Just because I was a "woman" didn't mean I couldn't have fun with them.

~H.

[MrsBeckyLP]

I felt like seeking out a few kids to be alone with was just plain creepy.

Is that what happened? I do think it's a little weird if the teacher came to them and said, "So, do you guys want eat lunch in my office?" I just assumed your son asked the teacher if he could do that.

[jajacobsen]

What was described by the OP is the sort of situation that happened every day at my high school. After students ate their lunch, or students who brough ttheir lunch, were free to frequent the school grounds, the library, etc.

A lot of us band geeks when to the band directors office and chatted, etc. Band directors tend to have sort of a "different" relationship with students. Hard to describe unless you've been a band student.

So while I don't think there is anything wrong, per se, I think it is poor judgment on the part of the band director in this day and age of (rightfully so) overly cautious parents. So probably it is not a bad idea if the principal puts an end to this.

I think there is NOTHING wrong with the band director attending a school sporting event. Faculty are usually encouraged to do so.

[penybryn]

He isn't a band teacher. Its a general music class (for those who don't like music, like my kid). I made it clear to the principal that I was not accusing the teacher of any wrong doing. I just felt uncomfortable with a teacher wanting to be alone with my 12 (not 13 or 14) year old son and his friend.

I don't believe it wrong for teacher's to attend sporting events. My husband just got a bad vibe from this particular one. I'm sure the kids encouraged him to come.

We discussed together why we felt this was an inappropriate situation for him to be in and why. I didn't accuse the teacher of wrong doing or my child of being wrong to want to participate. I can't allow him to put himself in the position for something bad to happen. Could I live with myself if I did?

The reason I didn't go to the teacher instead of the principal is because what if there is something wrong going on? Would he cover it up? Who else would know that I was concerned? This allowed my concern to be viewed at a higher level. I trust this principal and know she would look out for my child.

I love that fact that there are young teachers with new ideas in his school. Someone he can trust. I just can't get away from the bad feeling this situation gives to me.

[HeatherFL]

I think it's good that you did what you did then, and I really applaud you for talking with your son.


~H.

[megc1]

I would have absolutely done the same thing! Always trust your gut. A few years ago at one of our local grade schools, a very popular 7th grade teacher was accused of pedophilia. It all started out very innocent and then escalated into several boys going over to this teacher's house. Everyone was so shocked b/c he was such a fun teacher and all the students wanted to be in his class. I'm not saying this teacher will/would do the same but unfortunately you just never know. I think you definitely did the right thing.

[ysolde]

Way back when (in the 80s), in 7th grade, a few of us used to spend lunch in our science teacher's classroom. We used to eat lunch, chat, and help clean up the room. but it was a large group. When it was just one or two of us, she would shoo us out. And her door was always open.

[KristyK]

Also you asked about why a grown man would want to eat with twelve year olds? I guess you could ask why he'd want to dedicate his life to teaching them too. Or why women want to teach at all boys' schools. It's sort of an unfair question. I used to love my second-graders. I didn't mind spending extra time with them. Just because I was a "woman" didn't mean I couldn't have fun with them.


But this isn't a woman having fun with little kids, this is a man, being alone with just a few pre-pubescent (sp??) boys. This is what many pedophiles (wow, I spelt that correctly finally!) look for. This is what they are seeking out, the boys that will be alone with them, who's parents won't question the lunch-time movies.

As for the talking to the child, yep, he'll get over it. He'll be the one that the other kids will say can't be "cool" because of his parents, but he'll be the one that doesn't get molested, if it were to happen. His parents are un-cool (to him), but they are doing the best thing in this situation, and I'm sure they discussed this with him. Parents are never "cool", no matter how much we try! :p

There were many times my son wasn't the cool one, and he was told exactly why each and every time. We didn't just ground him, or say no to things to be mean, but we always explained ourselves, whether he wanted to listen or not.

[HeatherFL]

I understand that. But I guess in my sappy world, it's sad when the guy isn't being given the benefit of the doubt (innocent until proven guilty) for expressing interest in the kids. I don't believe the OP wrote whether or not he invited them into the classroom, or if they asked. I believe she wrote that he allows them to stay there.

At what point do people stop asking questions? What's the difference between me having three 8 year-olds in my classroom during lunch and a grown man having three 12 year-olds? Gender? The fact that the 12 year-olds are older?

I completely understand where everyone is coming from. I just think it's sad that -in general- as a society because of what a what a handful of sick teachers we see in the media have done, our gut instinct is mistrust and the possibility of pedophilia.

Parents are never "cool", no matter how much we try!

Respectfully disagree. Everyone wished they had my parents growing up. They were freakin' awesome. Not that we didn't have our moments, but definitely they were "cool." :D ;)

~H.

[diam124]

I think it's good that you explained to your son why it was a bad idea. When I was in 5th grade I had a teacher who I'm fairly certain was attracted to young boys. I don't know that he ever acted on it, but he would single the boys out and lavish them with attention (while ignoring all the girls in the class). This was at an international school (although the teacher was American). He would often talk about young homeless boys that he befriended. He had a couple of "favorites" and he would talk about moving to the countryside and becoming a shepherd with one of these boys. (He was obviously kind of odd and a pretty crappy teacher, but things were done a little differently over there. I think part of the reason he taught in another country was that some of his behavior would not fly in a US school). My Mom definitely made it known to me that I was not to be alone with him and if he did anything inappropriate to me I needed to tell her ASAP. I think I sensed that without her telling me, but it did affirm what I already thought. (of course he showed no interest in the girls, so it was never an issue). My Mom still talks about him and what a weirdo he was.

[newmommy]

Yes, you did the right thing! Going with your instincts is always the best route to take, IMHO :)

[Hello Kitty]

I'm so glad DH couldn't find a permanent job as a teacher. I think some of the things he did out of genuine concern for his students probably could have been construed as 'creepy' (popular, going to their events, mentoring them outside of regular class time, new to the district). I understand your right to protect your kids and trust your gut, but I dunno, I was always afraid that something could've been misconstrued and his reputation damaged. It sucks for everyone involved.

[KristyK]

Quote:
Parents are never "cool", no matter how much we try!

Respectfully disagree. Everyone wished they had my parents growing up. They were freakin' awesome. Not that we didn't have our moments, but definitely they were "cool."



Ok, and I'm cool too......just didn't want to brag! :p :D

[Winter Biscuit]

I would have done the same thing you did. Always trust your gut.

While my kids aren't in school yet, I do have several friends in education, including one who is principal and another who is assistant principal. What I hear my friends tell me is that parents should always feel comfortable going to the principal about anything. While I generally agree that discussing concerns with the teacher first is appropriate in most situations, this doesn't exactly involve an issue with a student's classroom performance or behavior (things that I'd generally consult a teacher directly about). I don't fault you at all for going straight to the principal about this particular issue. I'm happy to hear that she promised to take immediate action (to me, that's a sign of good school leadership).

The fact that the principal immediately said the teacher was out of line also tells me that the teacher was disobeying some rules or expectations (which the teacher likely knew about - or should have known about). My thought is that it's a good thing the principal is now aware of 'out of line' things that are taking place, whether the movie-watching is totally innocent or not. As someone else pointed out, what IF something not-so-innocent is going on (or the teacher hoped/intended to eventually get to that point) and you had gone to the teacher?

[BethIrish]

Almost every teacher I know (both male and female, and I probably know about a dozen or so) will not be alone in their classroom with a child. Basically, the don't ever want to put themselves in a position to be accused of something they didn't do.

I don't think it's a bad thing to go with your gut where your child is concerned, but personally I think I would have set up a meeting with the teacher and expressed my concerns directly to him/her, rather then going to the principal.

And, damn Heather, from second grade teacher to cancer biologist! Who are you, superwoman?

[DallasLady]

(Former) 8th grade teacher here. I once let a girl eat lunch in my classroom. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and was a crying mess. She didn't want to face him and her friends in the cafeteria, so I let her eat in my room. She ate quietly while I graded papers.

I don't necessarily think this teacher had bad intentions, just perhaps used poor judgment. When you are the "cool" teacher (which I kind of was) kids want to hang out with you. And when you spend your whole day with these kids, you get very involved with them. It doesn't mean that you are going to hurt them (well, it doesn't always mean that) but I am sure it can seem odd to parents.

I'm not necessarily defending the teacher because I don't know all the details or his intentions. But I can see how these things happen, especially when the students are in middle & high school. Teaching really is a rather solitary job, the only people I spoke to most days were my 8th graders. Sometimes the line between authority figure and friend gets blurred. It is something we always have to be mindful of.

[camberne]

I agree that you have to trust your gut feelings in respect to what you feel is right for your child. So, in that respect, I'd say you did the right thing.

I am very up front with all of my son's teachers and principals. I set up communication with them the first week of school and I tend to stay in touch with them as situations warrant. I am fortunate that my neice was one of the teachers at my son's middle school and I went to high school (and church) with one of the Vice Principals (and several teachers) at his high school... so I don't have to worry about addressing any of my concerns.

I am disturbed by the way this thread is turning, though, that any male teacher is viewed with suspicion for wanting to spend time with his students outside of the formal classroom. Teachers have favorite students. It's a fact of life. I was a "teacher's pet" all through school. My PE teacher in 10th grade asked me to help out with the baseball team and for the next three years, I did book and stats for them. He was also the ISS coordinator, and I spent lunch and my study hall in my own little office that he set up for me adjacent to the ISS room where I'd go (sometimes alone, sometimes with friends). Nothing inappropriate was ever said or done. I know that other teachers had innocent relationships with other students as well. To just make a blanket statement that a teacher who wants to spend time and get to know a few particular students is creepy and inappropriate is a disservice to the hundreds of thousands of great teachers who enjoy their jobs and enjoy the students they teach. I know that my schooling experience would not have been as wonderful and fulfilling if I wasn't allowed to have the great relationships that I had with my teachers... and I still keep in touch with a lot of them!!

[KristyK]

I am disturbed by the way this thread is turning, though, that any male teacher is viewed with suspicion for wanting to spend time with his students outside of the formal classroom. Teachers have favorite students. It's a fact of life. I was a "teacher's pet" all through school. My PE teacher in 10th grade asked me to help out with the baseball team and for the next three years, I did book and stats for them. He was also the ISS coordinator, and I spent lunch and my study hall in my own little office that he set up for me adjacent to the ISS room where I'd go (sometimes alone, sometimes with friends). Nothing inappropriate was ever said or done. I know that other teachers had innocent relationships with other students as well. To just make a blanket statement that a teacher who wants to spend time and get to know a few particular students is creepy and inappropriate is a disservice to the hundreds of thousands of great teachers who enjoy their jobs and enjoy the students they teach. I know that my schooling experience would not have been as wonderful and fulfilling if I wasn't allowed to have the great relationships that I had with my teachers... and I still keep in touch with a lot of them!!


I'm not saying that all teachers are bad or inappropriate in their want to mentor and spend time with their students. I had great relationships with many of my teachers too. Also, it's not just men, it's women too. Mary Kay Letourneau anyone? Any teacher that invited my son to spend time in their classroom, with only 1-2 other students would be suspect in my book. When I was growing up.....not a problem, but only because you didn't hear of the molestation you hear about today. I was young and innocent, never ever thinking that something could happen, which of course it didn't. Today, you hear about it everyday. It just happened here again in FL, with a woman teacher and young male student. She was married with children, just as MKL was.

IMO the OP did the right thing. I don't want to put all teachers into one category, but there is so much out there today, any teacher that even innocently looks like they are playing any kind of favorites is putting themselves at risk for all kinds of accusations.

I believe its just the nature of the world today. BTW, I loved my teachers and only had one really bad experience, although it wasn't sexual, just her bi-polar personality disorder that kept me in the VP's office daily! :p

[HeatherFL]

Ok, and I'm cool too......just didn't want to brag! :p :D

I would have never thought otherwise LOL! ;) :D

And, damn Heather, from second grade teacher to cancer biologist! Who are you, superwoman?
:o Awww, you humble me so. The teaching was a loooooong time ago. WOW. I just made myself feel old. Total tangent, but one of my old students found me on MySpace. He's an engineering student in college now. Unreal.

~H.

[Chimichanga]

I think the OP handled things correctly.

In this day and age, you can't be too careful. I think a lot of us remember similar situations, but that was several years ago - 10 or more (yikes!) Yeah, I spent time with teachers alone or in small groups and we'd do "fun" things on a regular basis (watching movies or listening to the radio, etc). But, the whole pedophile thing wasn't as prevelant as it is today. Sure, my parents told me about what was appropriate and not in terms of contact, but it wasn't nearly as big of a deal as it is today.

I'm curious to see how things went for her son after the call was made.

[diam124]

Personally I think that it is wonderful if teachers want to go above and beyond what they are required to do. My sister formed close relationships with several teachers in school (mostly male) due to her love of learning and inquisitive nature. One of them convinced my parents to let her skip a grade and she (and my parents) keep in touch with this teacher to this day - 20 some years later.

But, I think there does need to be a boundary where a teacher remains a "mentor" - either in an academic role or a social role. They are not and IMO, should not behave like they are peers of their students.

Unfortunately, we do live in a time where kids are molested by their teachers. It does happen and to pretend it doesn't or it couldn't happen to your kid is just naive in my opinion.

[HeatherFL]

I think the OP handled things correctly.

In this day and age, you can't be too careful. I think a lot of us remember similar situations, but that was several years ago - 10 or more (yikes!) Yeah, I spent time with teachers alone or in small groups and we'd do "fun" things on a regular basis (watching movies or listening to the radio, etc). But, the whole pedophile thing wasn't as prevelant as it is today. Sure, my parents told me about what was appropriate and not in terms of contact, but it wasn't nearly as big of a deal as it is today.

I'm curious to see how things went for her son after the call was made.

You're so right. I had an English teacher that about 6 of us would go to Key West with all the time. I also had a science teacher and he'd take a bunch of scuba diving/snorkeling in Key Largo. It was just so normal back then. The first big case had come out in the media. A young girl committed suicide because she was having an affair with the music or band teacher at one of the schools in Miami. This teacher had apparently been in trouble in Michigan then moved to Florida. He became involved with another student, and broke her heart, so she took her life. I remember that being the exception, not the norm. Now, sadly, it seems to be almost the other way around.

[Happy1]

First off, as a parent you did what you felt was in the best interest of your child and when you do that, you can never go wrong. I also think it's great that you talked with your son about it. I would do whatever I felt was right in your situation as well.

With that said, it's so sad that in this day and age, regardless of the profession or person, it's difficult to tell if a kind gesture is truly done in kindness or out of some sick perversion. It's really difficult to know who you can trust these days. It's really too bad that there are just as many sick-o's as well meaning people. Just for instance, I was soooo blessed a few years ago when I was driving and slipped off the road due to icy conditions. No one else was around and a van pulled up. None of us had cellphones, no houses were near. I wasn't thinking straight and I got in the van. The couple drove me to the nearest gas station so I could call the cops and my parents for help. Had I been thinking straight, I would have given them the #'s and asked them to go and call someone while I stayed with the vehicle. But I didn't. Thank goodness they were genuinely nice. Anything could have happened.

Throughout grade school and high school I was a misfit. I spent many a lunch hour and recess alone in a teacher's classroom with only the teacher. I'd help with little tasks that had to be done and I usually got a sucker or a piece of candy for helping out. But that was also back in the day where teachers could give hugs without worrying about being sued. It's just really sad where our society has gone.

Nikki :D

[Sage]

Today he came home and said this teacher has been allowing him and 2 of his friends to come to his classroom at lunchtime instead of the caf and watch movies (teenage mutant ninja turtles!) with him and eat there.

I'm not really disturbed by eating lunch in the room, or going to sporting events, or mentoring in general. But the part about watching a fun action movie in the middle of the school day is the part that bugs me. It just seems totally out of place in an academic environment, and seems to send the message that this teacher is trying to buddy-up to these kids. It just feels inappropriate to me.

[cocopop]

Without knowing anything about the teacher, it sounds creepy to me. I would be very suspicious. Instead of calling the principal, I probably would have gone to meet the teacher and get a better understanding of where he's coming from.

[MrsBeckyLP]

But the part about watching a fun action movie in the middle of the school day is the part that bugs me. It just seems totally out of place in an academic environment, and seems to send the message that this teacher is trying to buddy-up to these kids. It just feels inappropriate to me.

It's lunchtime!

When I was in high school (again, I graduated in 2001, so it wasn't too long ago), we watched English-speaking movies with Spanish subtitles during Spanish class. Movies like Tommy Boy, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, etc. And that was during class, every Friday. Now that, my friends, was a tough class! ;)

[hub1176]

My DH is a high school math teacher. He is always asked to attend sporting events, graduation parties(family ones, not the after hours ones...), and other activites his students are involved in. But he is also VERY careful to make sure the line between teacher/student is always there (ie: never alone with students, classroom door is always open, no inappropriate conversations etc.)
I'm not crazy about the movie thing - although I know DH does sometimes watch ESPN in his classroom during his free periods, especially during March Madness, and I'm sure there are some students who know that.....

[ambula704]

As a new, young teacher myself I understand the concern. However...I believe the OP said the teacher was new to the school, so that makes me think he is TRYING to be the cool teacher and get to know these kids. Maybe I am naive, but I guess I dont get the creepy vibe from this. It just makes me think he is doing everything he can to connect.

Being a teacher, I often reach out to students and tell them to come by and talk any time. I would HATE it if a parent called my principal and reported that I was spending time with a student without calling ME first. Especially as a new teacher, and especially if I had honest, good intentions. That seems to be overreacting, in my opinion. However, I am not a parent so I have no clue how I would have handled it. But just think if EVERY time you made a judgement mistake your boss was called...it would be hard to do anything "extra" to help the kids.

As teachers we walk a fine line every day. I am a high school teacher and it is incredibly hard to get through to my students, especially those that dont say much in class. So sometimes I have to play the friendship role, if that helps them be successful. I guess I should rethink my efforts to spend time with my students...because it seems most people assume the worst.

[Sage]

It's lunchtime!

When I was in high school (again, I graduated in 2001, so it wasn't too long ago), we watched English-speaking movies with Spanish subtitles during Spanish class. Movies like Tommy Boy, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, etc. And that was during class, every Friday. Now that, my friends, was a tough class! ;)

Yeah, it wouldn't bug me at all if it was during a class! I watched plenty of silly movies in different classes that were only tangentially realted to what we were studying. But over lunchtime with just one or two students? And teenage mutant ninja turtles? I see a red flag. :shrug:

[penybryn]

I'm curious to see how things went for her son after the call was made.

I'm actually dreading it. He has an away basketball game and will not be home until 6. His dad will be going to the game. I guess he'll get a feel for his mood before I do.

I did ask the principal to look into the situation but not to cause a scene. Her plan was to drop in on the teacher today at lunchtime and see if there were students there. She was more miffed by the fact that he was pulled out of his caf lunch period. Should there have been an emergency, they would not have known where to find him.

If there are students there, she said she will speak to the teacher and let him know they aren't to be there, without singling (sp?) out my son.

Most of the teachers know my son, as his grandmother worked in their office for the last 30 years and retired right before he started at the school. I would never get her involved because she is a busy body. She'd make a project out of it. It turning out to be nothing would be my greatest wish.

My son isn't at all a loner. He's pretty popular, with other students and with teachers.

My daughter has a teacher in her high school that her and her friends eat lunch with sometimes. It doesn't bother me the way this did. This was just too weird.

[Chimichanga]

As a new, young teacher myself I understand the concern. However...I believe the OP said the teacher was new to the school, so that makes me think he is TRYING to be the cool teacher and get to know these kids. Maybe I am naive, but I guess I dont get the creepy vibe from this. It just makes me think he is doing everything he can to connect.

Being a teacher, I often reach out to students and tell them to come by and talk any time. I would HATE it if a parent called my principal and reported that I was spending time with a student without calling ME first. Especially as a new teacher, and especially if I had honest, good intentions. That seems to be overreacting, in my opinion. However, I am not a parent so I have no clue how I would have handled it. But just think if EVERY time you made a judgement mistake your boss was called...it would be hard to do anything "extra" to help the kids.

As teachers we walk a fine line every day. I am a high school teacher and it is incredibly hard to get through to my students, especially those that dont say much in class. So sometimes I have to play the friendship role, if that helps them be successful. I guess I should rethink my efforts to spend time with my students...because it seems most people assume the worst.

I can understand where you're coming from. And, the OP didn't say if her son was having problems in school. But, assuming that things are fine with her DS, then just reaching out to a group of tween boys is a bit odd.

You're a HS teacher and will reach out if a student is having an issue - either with class or something else. I feel that is a teacher's job.

Just just reaching out to a small group of students for no apparent reason? And not focusing on helping improve grades or a social problem... Just strikes me as creepy.

[SiValleySteph]

But, the whole pedophile thing wasn't as prevelant as it is today.

Do you think this is true? :confused: I've never read anything to support this.

Look at all these cases that came up with the Catholic church, most of the victims are quite a bit older than me (I'm 30).

I think the difference is we have a sensationalist media now.

[MrsBeckyLP]

Yeah, it wouldn't bug me at all if it was during a class! I watched plenty of silly movies in different classes that were only tangentially realted to what we were studying. But over lunchtime with just one or two students? And teenage mutant ninja turtles? I see a red flag. :shrug:

Ooooh, I don't know if you got my point. Sorry. I would be more upset about my kid watching movies during class than at lunch. And I said the movies I watched in Spanish class were in English with Spanish subtitles. Nobody was reading the Spanish subtitles, believe me (especially since it was a 19-inch TV up in the corner of the room). Where's the learning there? I don't see how Tommy Boy or whatever comedy we watched is any better or different from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

And I'm not sure if the OP missed it, but she never replied to my question about how it came about that her son started spending his lunch-hour in this teacher's office. Avoiding the question would lead me to believe her son asked the teacher if he could. In that case, I don't find this creepy at all.

[MrsBeckyLP]

She was more miffed by the fact that he was pulled out of his caf lunch period. Should there have been an emergency, they would not have known where to find him.

Whatever happened to the good ol' PA system and the "Bobby Smith, please come to the office" announcement? :confused:

[ambula704]

I can understand where you're coming from. And, the OP didn't say if her son was having problems in school. But, assuming that things are fine with her DS, then just reaching out to a group of tween boys is a bit odd.

You're a HS teacher and will reach out if a student is having an issue - either with class or something else. I feel that is a teacher's job.

Just just reaching out to a small group of students for no apparent reason? And not focusing on helping improve grades or a social problem... Just strikes me as creepy.

(bolding mine)
Well, not saying this young man isn't completely honest with his parents, but what IF he-or one of his friends- did have a problem and went to the teacher for that? I might not invite students in my room to discuss their confidential problems without first building a repoire with them, so maybe that was what the movie watching was for. All I am saying is this teacher deserved a little more credit than given...he is someone supporting students by going out of his way to attend school functions (which is more hours on the job, and we all know we dont get paid extra for that!) and now is trying to get to know students. Malicious...maybe, but probably not. Should the mom say something to her son? Definitely. Should she call the teacher and get his side? Absolutely. But going to the principal, that is just too far IMHO. I do understand her reasoning, I am just trying to give the other side...

If the teacher was ignoring her son, not giving him homework help, locking his door and being hateful- now THAT would be wrong and something to talk to his principal about (although I would still suggest a call or email to the teacher first, as sometimes we just have a bad day). But just for being around at events and being friendly...I feel bad for the guy.

[jajacobsen]

Why is it any different for the OPs daughter to spend lunch period with a same sex teacher than for the son to do so?

I agree with SVSteph. I have read that crimes against children are believed to actually have decreased over the past 25 years but reporting and media sensationalism have increased. Think about it. 25 years ago would any of us known or cared about little Madeline going missing in Portugal?

I think it was poor judgment on the part of the teacher, but nothing more. I think the principal's approach is best as it does not put the child on the spot. I don't think they were doing anything wrong but people's perecption are different and a teacher should avoid such.

I think I am more concerned that the teacher lets the children call him "G dog" if I even understood that correctly.

[Natasha]

I think you made a good call. I may have called the teacher first, but that's because of my past experiences. I was a drama geek in high school (14-17, NOT 12, and I think that is a big difference), and spent lunch in the theatre and sometimes even cut class to hang out in the theatre. Our drama instructor went by Sean, not Mr. Smith, and he'd let us watch movies, play on the computer, whatever.

As a parent, I would be highly annoyed, especially since some of us cut class to hang out around him. As a teen, it was awesome. Even if it isn't anything malicious, I know how friendships with teachers can end up having a more negative effect than positive.

If the principal in concerned, I think that validates your concern even more. Wanting to have a good relationship with kids is something that can and should be done by teachers, but without breaking general guidelines, which it sounds like he may have done. I hope it all works out for the best, for everyone involved.

[penybryn]

And I'm not sure if the OP missed it, but she never replied to my question about how it came about that her son started spending his lunch-hour in this teacher's office. Avoiding the question would lead me to believe her son asked the teacher if he could. In that case, I don't find this creepy at all.

I don't know the answer to this. I guess I'll find out tonight.

Whatever happened to the good ol' PA system and the "Bobby Smith, please come to the office" announcement?

Once I had to get him out at lunch time for a doctor's appointment and he wasn't able to hear the pa in the caf (its loud). They had to send an aide to find him.

As far as my daughter eating with teacher at her school. Big difference. She is 16 and only eats with a group of friends (6 or more). Not alone. And everyone is invited to this. Not just 2.

I'm sticking with my decision.

[Sage]

Ooooh, I don't know if you got my point. Sorry. I would be more upset about my kid watching movies during class than at lunch. And I said the movies I watched in Spanish class were in English with Spanish subtitles. Nobody was reading the Spanish subtitles, believe me (especially since it was a 19-inch TV up in the corner of the room). Where's the learning there? I don't see how Tommy Boy or whatever comedy we watched is any better or different from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Oh, okay. Thanks for clarifying. But I guess I just see a complete difference between watching a silly movie with your entire class (even if it's Tommy Boy without subtitles), and a situation in which two or three boys are invited away from the cafeteria to watch a silly movie alone with a teacher while the rest of the class is doing something else.

I guess I can't explain it any better than that...but if my kid came home and told me "mom, we watched tommy boy in spanish today! it was awesome!" I might be annoyed, but I wouldn't be worried, KWIM? If he came home and said "mom, Mr. X invited me and Joe to come back to his room and watch teenage mutant ninja turtles over the lunch hour!", then warning bells would go off. Maybe it would turn out to be nothing, but I definitely think it's worth investigating.

[HeatherFL]

situation in which two or three boys are invited away from the cafeteria to watch a silly movie alone with a teacher while the rest of the class is doing something else
I don't think the teacher sought them out. I think he just allows them to stay in the classroom. I stand corrected if this is not the case.

[BethIrish]

I would have never thought otherwise LOL! ;) :D


:o Awww, you humble me so. The teaching was a loooooong time ago. WOW. I just made myself feel old. Total tangent, but one of my old students found me on MySpace. He's an engineering student in college now. Unreal.

~H.

You've certainly lead an amazingly full life for a 31 year old. You should consider writing a book!

[MrsBeckyLP]

I might be annoyed, but I wouldn't be worried, KWIM?

Definitely agree there. That's not "worrisome" in the least.

But I do agree with Heather. We still don't know the teacher sought out these boys. Honestly, I think that makes all the difference as to whether the OP should be worried. Sought out: a bit creepy. Boys asked and teacher agreed: not creepy at all. :)

(But OP, I applaud you for going with your gut and sticking to it, because what do we know, really? Only you can accurately gauge the situation.)

[goldfish]

I think that you may have overreacted. What is wrong with having lunch with a teacher, especially if it's 2 students and not your son alone with this teacher? When I was in Middle and high school, we LOVED to eat in the music room because it was fun. I don't blame your son for wanting to be there instead of in the cafeteria with all that noise, watching a boring movie. Are the students in your sons school only allowed to be in the cafeteria during lunch? What if they need extra help from a classroom teacher or want to use the library? And what is creepy about the teacher going to basketball games? In all the schools I've been in, the facutly makes an effort to go to sporting events, concerts, etc. If you had a concern you should have spoken with this teacher first and not gone over his head to the principal. THEN if you were not satisfied with his repsonses you could have gone to the principal. I'm sorry, but I feel badly for this teacher.

[MrsBeckyLP]

You should consider writing a book!

I'll edit!!! ;)

[HeatherFL]

[hijack]

:o You all are embarrassing me!

I'm working on it, though. And Becky, be careful what you wish for, because I'm not too proud to ask! LOL

[/end hijack]

[Sage]

But I do agree with Heather. We still don't know the teacher sought out these boys. Honestly, I think that makes all the difference as to whether the OP should be worried. Sought out: a bit creepy. Boys asked and teacher agreed: not creepy at all. :)

Ah yes. I was going off the OP's comment that the teacher sought them out...but then I just saw her comment above that she doesn't know for sure how it all came about. ITA that if the boys asked to do it and the teacher said okay, that's not creepy. Maybe poor judgment if school rules were broken, but not necessarily creepy.

ETA: I still think the OP did the right thing by calling, though...it is always better to be safe than sorry.

[jajacobsen]

To clarify, I don't disagree with the OPs call to the principal but I also don't think we should assume such negative things about the teacher.

[SpelKen]

The OP said that her and husband didn't feel good about it. That's all the matters to me. You can't always put a name to why someone feels creepy to you but if you feel it, and her DH did too so not just her being overprotective, then go with the feeling.

[ambula704]

[hijack]
I would totally read your book, Heather!

Also, I am loving some of the avatars Im seeing...jajacobsen and Sage, such great photos!! Anyway, just had to comment!

36 members viewing thread...must be causing some stir!
[/end hijack]

[MrsBeckyLP]

[last hijack]

[hijack]
And Becky, be careful what you wish for, because I'm not too proud to ask! LOL
[/end hijack]

Count me in!

36 members viewing thread...must be causing some stir!

I think it's just been a while since we've had a good debate going here. I don't know about some of you, but I've missed it! And I like reading others' opinions, though I don't necessarily agree with all of them. :p

[/last hijack]

[BethIrish]

I'll edit!!! ;)

Dude, I read like 100 books a year, so I'd totally be qualified to edit your book, too!

I got an "A" in 6th grade English, too (y'know, the year they teach you how to diagram sentences and all. I totally missed my calling there. I'm just a boring old accountant that reads a lot on her 2 hour commute each day...)

(are you really an editor, Becky? I've always thought I'd love that job seeing as I love to read!)

[Chimichanga]

I can't remember who posted, but to me it seems that the whole pedophile thing has gotten "worse" lately. It's more than likely just the knowledge of it happening.

I'm not saying it never happened when we were young, but it wasn't talked about. I can remember when rape was considered the woman's fault! Things have changed so much recently that victims feel better about telling what happened (not sure if that's the right word) because people will believe them.

[penybryn]

:eek:I don't normally think teachers do creepy things. My children have been in school for the past 13 years. I have never come across a teacher that made feel shakey about sending my kid. I felt I had to go with that feeling. The principal made a point to return my call ASAP because I don't call her for no reason. The only other time I have called is when he had a family emergency and had to be excused. She called once this year to notify me of a situation with another student (he wasn't in trouble, the other kid was).

Why do my posts always generate debates???

[camberne]

To clarify, I don't disagree with the OPs call to the principal but I also don't think we should assume such negative things about the teacher.This is how I feel. I never criticized the OP's choice to say something if she felt that something was inappropriate or wrong.

However, the blanket ideas that are being thrown around that it's wrong for a teacher to have 2 or 3 kids in a room with them alone I find disturbing. I would be concerned if it was a teacher in a room ALONE with another child with the door closed... but, even that, if they're being tutored, is not being inappropriate. My best friend tutors her students after school occasionally, and it's usually a one-on-one interaction. Where I think she shares too much personal information regarding her life and her family with her students, she would never act inappropriately towards one. To assume that because she's in a room alone with a student she has nofarious motives is just ridiculous.

My son, like I was, is a thespian. When he's not performing, he's doing techie stuff which, a lot of times, requires him to spend more time adjusting lights, adding or subtracting gels from the lights and being there when the cast and other crew members have left. I've NEVER questioned or felt bad about these situations and have never had suspicions about the director of the theatre department or questioned his motives. I think there's an air of paranoia that is running rampant, and the stories which are publicized of the deviants are now being treated as being more mainstream than as the exception.

[Sage]

Also, I am loving some of the avatars Im seeing...jajacobsen and Sage, such great photos!! Anyway, just had to comment!

Thank you!! :)

[MrsBeckyLP]

(are you really an editor, Becky?)

Yes. :)

Why do my posts always generate debates???

Maybe you just post "good" topics. They're debatable. There's nothing wrong with that.

[twainny]

Getting back on track here....

to the OP.... my question is: Why does the MUSIC TEACHER have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at school in the first place? That is weird to me. I get that a Spanish teacher would have a spanish movie (or one with at least subtitles). Was there a lot of singing and dancing in TMNT? I don't remember.

I am curious to find out what the principle said/does. And what your son says. Even if he is upset with you, I think you did the right thing.

And it isn't just guy teachers to be suspicious of. A good friend from HS became a teacher, and was fired for getting too close with her students. She didn't do anything (sexual), but I believe she had some students over to her house and bought them alcohol. Yes, she was the "cool" teacher. I don't know where her judgment went, but obviously she was lacking it that day.

[LeslieR]

The movie bothers me, too. Not in a "I think that teacher is a pedophile!" way, but in a "That's just not necessary." way. If they were watching a musical like West Side Story or even a non-muiscal movie about music like Mr. Holland's Opus, I wouldn't have a problem with the situation at all.

ETA: I might also have a problem with the fact that my son is not where he's supposed to be during lunch (which I would take up with my son). And I only say this based on the fact that it doesn't appear from the OP that her son was given a pass to go to this teacher's classroom. I assume it's not an open campus and that he can't just go wherever he pleases at lunchtime.

[tenofcups]

I don't know what I would do in this situation, but I do find this thread overall so very sad. I honestly don't know -- maybe it's not safe for kids to hang out with teachers at all anymore, but if that is the case, it's really a very sad commentary.

On the one hand, I completely understand the desire to protect your child, especially if something doesn't seem right and gives you the creeps, when you don't normally feel that way. On the other, it just seems that everything is so limited because people are so suspicious of everything -- and of course, sometimes there is good reason to be suspicious.

[kari]

Just curious - do you get any sense of the age of this teacher? Have you ever met him?

[littlebear]

It seems off to me too based on the choice of movie and the fact that it's only a few selected boys. I would have done exactly what the OP did. The mother's instinct in me would say protect my son first. It's not like she made any accusations. She just asked the principal to look into the situation. Going to the teacher wouldn't have resolved anything if he were actually up to something. He probably would have made up some lies. This way her concerns are known by a third party.

It would be a different situation in my mind if for example, the science teacher had kids in the room working on a science project or any teacher had kids in the room doing something related to the coursework. It also kind of bothers me that the teacher is showing movies not related to the education with no idea as to whether or not the parents would find the movie acceptable (not that there's anything wrong with 12 year olds watching Ninja Turtles), but it's really not up to him to be selecting lunchtime movies for pre-teens. Hopefully he was just trying to be cool and used poor judgement, but he really needs to think about protecting himself in these situations. As sad as it is, I think it's probably instructive for the OP's son to learn to be a little more wary as well. As a mother of two little boys, I'd rather have them be a little less trusting and safe then blindly trusting teachers and authority figures and end up getting molested or worse. Boys at that age are just too vulnerable.

[villanelle75]

Heather, how are you possibly old enough to have taught a 2nd grader who is now in college? You'd have to have been, like, 19 or 20 when you were teaching! You must be quite the child prodigy to have finished your education at such a young age! I'm definitely buying that book when it comes out, though all your amazing accomplishments would probably just make me feel inferior!

[kedzieb]

I agree I proabably would have let the principal know too, just so they were aware of the situation. Most teachers I know won't spend time alone with a student because it's against the rules in their school and a good way for possibly benign actions to be misconstrued.

But I really don't understand the "in this day and age" tone of most of the posts. Have pedophilia rates gone up? It's just strange to me that things we did as kids without worry are now seen as irresponsible and dangerous. The same with kidnappings - haven't they actually gone down? Yet parents won't let their kids walk to school for fear of them being snatched. It's really strange to me. I think it has more to do with media coverage and fear-mongering than actual risk.

[HeatherFL]

Heather, how are you possibly old enough to have taught a 2nd grader who is now in college? You'd have to have been, like, 19 or 20 when you were teaching! You must be quite the child prodigy to have finished your education at such a young age! I'm definitely buying that book when it comes out, though all your amazing accomplishments would probably just make me feel inferior!

Oh don't say that! I was 19 when I started, you are right (had graduated high school with a lot of college credit. To teach in Miami-Dade at the time you didn't have to have a teaching degree, just a certificate. Not sure how it is there now.) Being young was something I thought would help me with the students. It was in a way. It was also one of the reasons I stopped. When I was 19 I got a group of gifted students. It was so fun and easy. Then at 20, they gave me a group of of very troubled students and I knew I was waaaaay too immature to keep teaching. Factor that in with the fact I got sick again a year later, and I realized it was time to be realistic and move on.

I have been working on the book for awhile. It's coming along, but I have to get it done, edited and find a publisher. LOL I guess I could try to do it myself, but I am not schooled in that at all!

~H.


(sorry to hijack again)

[penybryn]

to the OP.... my question is: Why does the MUSIC TEACHER have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at school in the first place? That is weird to me. I get that a Spanish teacher would have a spanish movie (or one with at least subtitles). Was there a lot of singing and dancing in TMNT? I don't remember.

The movie belonged to my son. He brought it to school because the teacher said they could watch movies with him in his room. Their choice.

Thats how I found out about the whole thing. He mentioned they watched a movie at school today. They used to in elementary school at lunch time when the weather was too cold to go outside. At middle school, its too big to watch movies. He then spilled the story about watching a movie with this teacher in his room with just his other friend. I thought that was weird because I had never heard of any other kids (lots of friends have this teacher too) mentioning watching movies and eating lunch with the teacher.

I may be stupid but what does OP stand for? Something parent?

[HeatherFL]

OP=original poster. :)

[WisWis]

You're a HS teacher and will reach out if a student is having an issue - either with class or something else. I feel that is a teacher's job.

Just just reaching out to a small group of students for no apparent reason? And not focusing on helping improve grades or a social problem... Just strikes me as creepy.
Actually, that isn't always the case. As a teacher, I'm encouraged to reach out to any students at all, whether they're in my class or not. It isn't always obvious when a student is having problems and having a relationship in place makes it easier for them to talk to you if/when something does come up. We're also encouraged to have students eat with us in our classes. I have two "regulars" that eat with me almost daily. One of them is male, so I suppose I should feel lucky that his parents haven't complained! I probably have another 5-10 that stop in to chat, or just kill time during lunch. I don't know if they're anything going on with the teacher or not. My gut is telling me that he's just new. He's trying to get to know the kids and be "cool".

[Marie]

I also was a student who had lots of lunches in classrooms. I am still thankful to those teachers who realized that for the unpopular kids lunch time was HELL and being able to sit around with a few comfortable friends and eat in a classroom was a wonderful alternative.

[roadrunner]

I teach 9th grade at a 9-12 high school, and it's pretty commonplace for students to spend time in teachers' classrooms during lunch period.

With high school age kids there is so much baggage, drama, etc. that they just sometimes need to know that there is a safe, caring place for them to be if they want. Kids are being bullied, and it's difficult to police at the high school level. Most of the kids that spend time in a teacher's classroom at our school are doing so because they often feel it's the most comfortable place for them to be.

As for the movies....yeah, it sounds a bit strange. But, maybe the teacher put the movie on to keep the kids occupied, so that he could go about doing his own work, while still allowing them to be in the class if they want to be there.

Sadly, it is the threat of these sort of accusations which cause me, personally, to not put myself in this sort of situation. No matter what your intentions, you are just always judged so severely as a teacher.

But, as a parent, I can fully understand needing to put my concerns out there for the sake of my child. I guess it's a divided issue for me.

[Niobe]

I'm not really disturbed by eating lunch in the room, or going to sporting events, or mentoring in general. But the part about watching a fun action movie in the middle of the school day is the part that bugs me. It just seems totally out of place in an academic environment, and seems to send the message that this teacher is trying to buddy-up to these kids. It just feels inappropriate to me.

My high school theater director let us theater students hang out in the classroom/theater (they were connected) during lunch and other free periods. He'd even write us passes to get out of pep rallies if we wanted. Sometimes there'd be 3 of us, sometimes 6 or so, any combination of boys and girls. We could work on stuff for class, but we'd also just hang out and watch movies in there. And yeah, fun movies - Monty Python and the Holy Grail, The Princess Bride. This was my favorite teacher, ever, no question. Totally inspirational, but also just really cool to us. He wasn't young - he was a grandfather (I babysat his grandkids!). But he treated us like human beings, and to some extent, like equals. He understood that we were a bunch of artsy theater kids in a small-town Texas high school, where football is a religion. He created a haven for us that was a big part of the reason we had any good experiences during those years at all.

I think if more teachers were friendly with their students, kids would like going to school a lot more. I'm really glad none of our parents ruined what was the best part of most of our days, and one of the few things about school that didn't just generally suck for us. I don't see why learning can't be fun, and I don't see why a fun movie during the kids' free time is harmful. Why would we want children to grow up believing that fun and enjoyment has to be banished from learning establishments?

[pocket]

I do think you over-reacted a bit just from reading this story, but you may have been reacting to something more subtle from your son like discomfort that was playing into your decision to address it as you did. I also wondered if maybe your son is having some social problems at school that the teacher picked up on. It’s not like they were alone in an office. They were in a classroom with another kid present.

Pita used to teach elementary school and a lot of kids wanted to hang out with him at lunch. He had to set aside days when the computer room was open at lunch and days when it was closed. A lot of kids don’t get enough adult attention, and some kids don’t get along with other kids or are tormented on the playground. There are lots of perfectly regular reasons a teacher would open their classroom to kids on an individual basis.

But having said that, in my high school there were a lot of teachers dating students. I can think of 8 couples that I knew of and 4 teachers were fired while I was there. Pretty much one each year. I used to cut out of class and go sit in the art teacher’s office and drink coffee laced with scotch before going back to class. I could handle myself pretty well, but that is just gross.

[ManteoChik]

My first thought was that maybe there is something more the OP's son isn't telling her. I was thinking that quite possibly there could be some sort of reason the OP's son didn't want to eat in the cafeteria, like a bully or some other embarrassing situation. Maybe he asked the teacher if he and a friend could eat lunch there - and the teacher suggested they bring a movie to keep busy.

That being said, I don't put down the OP for thinking of her children's safety. By all means, that needs to come first. However, I would have called the teacher first before going to the principal and said something like:

"Hi I'm xxx's mom. I just wanted to touch base with you because xxx said that he and a friend watched movies during lunch in your classroom and I'm not sure that's something that I approve of."

Let the teacher have a chance to explain himself and let him know that you aren't accusing him of anything but that you feel school is for learning and unless the movie is school related and during class your son shouldn't be watching it.

ETA: I too had a "cool" teacher. She was my speech and debate teacher and also the drama teacher (although I wasn't a drama student). We used to watch all sorts of movies in her class we shouldn't have. American Pie??? Yeah, not something we should have been watching. She was awesome and because she didn't treat us like children we all respected her. We also got all our work done and behaved, which as you can imagine is hard for a bunch of 17 year olds who all think they are right.

[BridalLace]

i don't have time to read all the replies, but i do want to say as a teacher - in my former district, we were warned to never be alone with kids. where i work right now, we are not supposed to offer private tutoring (they couched it as not wanting teachers to charge students extra tutoring fees, but i can see other reasons why they would not have wanted this); we are supposed to help out at the after school study hall instead. they also warned us not to paper/decorate over the glass windows in our doors. personally, i do not give students detentions, because i would be uncomfortable having them alone in my classroom with me after school. i think its just better to have students in my classroom in groups or at least pairs.

in my current district, several coaches were fired for inappropriate relationships with students, and one teacher actually went to prison for a year or two for his relationship with a 13 year old girl (he was 39 at the time, i think.) he and the student actually got married as soon as she turned 18 and the restraining order that was against him was overturned, at their request. scandalous.

ANYWAY. i see why the basketball game raised red flags with your husband. not only is that teacher sitting next to your son at the game, he is sitting with him in an isolated, far off area (well, it sounded that way, how you described it), far up in the stands, where they could talk in privacy and without interruptions. i would be suspicious of that too.

if a teacher is having kids in his classroom to watch silly movies, that's showing a lack of good judgment in my opinion. they should at least be doing something academic. i would not be as worried b/c there are apparently other kids there at the same time, if that was all that was going on that is, but b/c this is coupled with the teacher going off to a remote area during a basketball game with your son, alarms would be going off in my head too. i think you did right in reporting it.

Heather

[Sage]

My high school theater director let us theater students hang out in the classroom/theater (they were connected) during lunch and other free periods.

I see your point, but I also think high school is totally different. The OP's son is 12, which is a whole different ball game IMO. There is a lot more structure to a 12 year old's school day than a high school student's, so watching a movie seems more out of place to me in that context. I probably wouldn't raise an eyebrow at all if we were talking about a high schooler. Also, my original statement was based on the premise that the teacher was seeking these kids out...from the follow-up posts from the OP, it's unclear whether or not this was the case.

[attorneymom]

I just wanted to add my two cents to the thoughtful replies so far. First and foremost, let me say that as a parent, I think you absolutely need to trust your instincts. From what you've said, all you did was raise your concerns to the principal -- you didn't run wild with any unfounded allegations of inappropriate behavior (I'm thinking molestation, etc. here).

That said, as an attorney, I certainly feel for teachers these days. We are so much more of a litigious society now, and an unfortunate result (as many of you who were teachers or the recipients of appropriate "special attention" from teachers have said) is that teachers feel very hesitant to reach out to kids who might need a little extra protection, attention, etc. I have a nephew who is the victim of bullying, so I can certainly see the value in a teacher reaching out.

It's a hard deal. I guess I just come back to where I started: as a parent, you simply have to protect your child. As a teacher, you just have to be careful that you don't get yourself in an unwarranted situation.

Easy answers? None at all.

[Ellyn]

I am a middle school teacher (art 6-8)...and I have had kids eat in my room (with the door open, of course). Kids come in during study hall to work and sometimes just talk (alone and/or in groups). I don't find the teacher's classroom behavior odd at all. Often times, like other's have said, eating in the caf. can be a daunting part of a pre-teens day. Some days, kids need to get away from that too, ya know? (For the same reason, I don't always eat in the teacher's lounge) I also don't find it odd that he was at the game, but as a mother, I would also be bothered if my son were up in the bleachers sitting with this teacher the whole time (can't say I find anything strange about the kids sitting with the teacher for a few minutes or going to talk to him, but to "avoid" friends his own age and sit with the teacher for a length of time would send up red flags for me too) Giving this teacher the benefit of the doubt, and assuming he had good intentions, do you think there is something going on with your son - where this teacher feels like he needs go the extra mile to make a connection with him? If your gut is telling you this teacher is not appropriate, then you are probably right. I agree with a PP who said you should call:
"Hi I'm xxx's mom. I just wanted to touch base with you because xxx said that he and a friend watched movies during lunch in your classroom and I'm not sure that's something that I approve of."

If he had good intentions, you'll be able to tell...if he backpedals, there's something wrong. And IMO, if he is truly a good teacher and something IS going on with your son, he should have called you FIRST!!!

Also, when I first read your post, as a teacher, I was annoyed :o, I really feel we get dumped on...a lot, but as a mother I understand...you MUST do everything to protect your children. I hope for the sake of your son and the other students at this school, you are wrong about this teacher. (and hopefully this teacher will realize that he needs to be careful of every decision he makes)

[Reenie]

I haven't read all of the responses, but as a teacher I just wanted to respond:

I think it's okay if there are other children present or another adult present. I am never, ever alone with a student. I always make sure that there are at least two students or that another teacher/staff member is present. I always keep the door open and the lights on.

Why would a teacher allow the kids to eat in his room? Well, for one, the lunch room can be absolutely brutal (for kids) and if you think that's bad, the teachers' lounge can be much, much worse (for teachers, obviously).

That being said, I think it is always okay for you to question things as a parent and speak up when you don't feel comfortable with something, even if it may be perfectly innocent. Your first and foremost is to protect your child, and that is normal and understandable.

[scout]

Also, when I first read your post, as a teacher, I was annoyed , I really feel we get dumped on...a lot, but as a mother I understand...you MUST do everything to protect your children. I hope for the sake of your son and the other students at this school, you are wrong about this teacher. (and hopefully this teacher will realize that he needs to be careful of every decision he makes)
This is what I was going to say. I have some students who have to serve detentions in my room during lunch or who are being picked on and can't deal with the lunchroom, etc. Some kids are just lonely. The door is always open, and I would never put in a movie, but I shudder to think that a parent might think I'm molesting their kids because they're in my room during lunch. As a mom, though, I do understand getting a feeling and having to trust your instincts. I think I would have gone to the teacher also, to find out the whole story. Often times, kids leave out pertinent details.

I know you've already addressed the basketball game situation, but I wanted to add that at our school, we are certainly encouraged (if not demanded) to attend a few games during the year.

[mommy2allyandaveri]

My husband is a 6th grade teacher and frequently allows kids to stay in the classroom during lunch to work on assignments or just hang out with him. He will also spend his lunch outside with the kids shooting hoops or whatever. He is a totally normal guy who loves his job, nothing creepy about it.

I/we personally have very strong feelings of dislike with parents who behave the way you do. This is probably just a teacher who likes his job and wants his kids to be happy, if that means staying in during lunch and watching movies, fine (of course only if they are age appropriate movies). It's parents like you who ruin good teachers because they get a talking to or reprimanded by their principle for doing something "creepy" when really they haven't done anything wrong at all. This breaks their spirit, makes them not want to do nice things for their kids on their own time. My husband also goes to some of his kids games outside of school. They ask him to and actually the parents think it is pretty cool that a teacher will take time out of their personal lives to show that they care about their kids. Teachers are supposed to be a mentor of sorts.

Here is an example... Every year my husbands school takes all the kids to a water park and he is required to attend. We live in CA and it is hot, like 100 degrees. So yes he gets in the water and swims with the kids. One year his principle got a complaint that it was inappropriate for him to be swimming with the kids,. WHAT:eek: This just seems ridiculous to me.

Sorry if I was rude or abrupt but I have very strong feelings about this subject as I know my husband is a good guy who would never do anything "creepy". I think the fact that you called and talked to his boss about it was crossing the line and completely uncalled for. He has done NOTHING wrong. Now had he done something wrong then you did the right thing but nothing you said here was "wrong" or even "creepy" in my mind.

[sublime311]

Teachers by the very definition of their title are suppose to inspire, mentor and enlighten their students. Seminar after seminar tells us that teachers who make a difference in children's lives are the teachers who extend themselves - who take a personal interest in a kid's life. Not only does my district encourage the building of personal relationships, they actually PAY us for making home visits (after school, at the students' homes, games, dance recitals, etc.) We are also required to attend a minimum number of after-school activities, games, ceremonies, etc. Students of teachers who take a personal interest do better in school and miss less days. This is proven.

In my own education, I remember the teachers who took the time to make a personal connection - who asked me (and cared) how my weekend was, who noticed I had a new haircut, who noticed when I was sad, who seemed to give a damn.

I think the fact that every teacher's actions are scrutinized as toxic is a tragic symptom of our sick society. Absolutely, parents should trust their instincts to protect their children. My concern is everyone who, without having experienced the situation first hand have jumped on the "what a creep!" bandwagon. Like a PP said, it seems like a witch hunt, out to get a teacher who may have only been trying to make a difference in a kid's life.

I absolutely agree that a bad choice was made by the teacher when he allowed the kids to watch a questionable movie - on the other hand, this was not regular class time - this was basically "free-time". Yes, a better choice could have been made movie wise, but it wasn't porn - the kid supplied it and his parents must have approved of it.

I have students in my classroom almost every day for lunch detention for poor behavior and poor academic decisions. I eat my lunch at my work table, answer emails, grade, plan, etc. The students sit at their desks and do work. It is not fun for any of us. I do it because I want them to know that I care about their decisions. I want them to know that their decisions affect all of us. I also have homework hall every Monday after school. I do this for the students who did not complete their homework from the previous week because they do not have parent support at home to ensure the work is completed. I sit at my work table and do the above and answer questions and direct as necessary. It makes my blood boil to think that my motivation would be questioned by a parent who is concerned about how much interest I took in their child.

I take a personal interest in children and their lives because it is my job.

[twainny]

I would feel weird about my son spending semi-alone time with ANY man I (or my husband) deemed "creepy". At our first house, our neighbor was "creepy" (single guy in this 30's, always had Asian women over to look at his flowers (ONLY asians, and they didn't speak English), I didn't even like making eye contact with the guy. If my son were to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with him I think I'd go ballistic!

mommy2allyandaveri - I think you were a little to errr... harsh. I understand where you are coming from, there are THOUSANDS of good teachers (both my parents and my sister were teachers), but there are also a FEW not so great ones. I truly believe that, besides being a SAHM, teachers have the hardest job in the world, and are very under appreciated (and under payed for that matter). Maybe the OP should have asked for a meeting with the Principle and the Teacher. Then she could have seen his reaction to the "accusation" and gotten a better feel for if something fishy were going on or if he truly was helping her son. But the OP followed her gut, and I don't think you can blame her for that. (and isn't that what teachers tell you to do, "when taking a test go with your first instinct, don't second guess yourself." that is what the OP did.

Right now I am trying to hire a nanny. I said to a friend "I just want someone who isn't going to hit my kid." Do I believe that ALL nannies hit the kids they watch, NO, but does it happen... YES.

[Winter Biscuit]

He has done NOTHING wrong.

How do you know the teacher has done NOTHING wrong?

ITA that there are many wonderful teachers out there like your husband. There's LOTS of them, and ITA with a PP that they are underappreciated and underpaid. We all owe a LOT to the amazing teachers out there who give so much of themselves!!

Chances are that there IS nothing wrong going on here, and it was totally a false alarm.

But, unfortunately, the reality is that we live in a world where a few trusted adults (often the type that everyone thought would "never" do something bad) made some bad choices which has shaken our faith in the very people we are supposed to trust, and has put everyone on high alert. It is hard to trust anyone these days -- whether it's clergymen, teachers, daycare providers, police officers, neighbors. Heck, given all the school shootings in recent years, it's even hard to trust that another kid won't shoot my daughter when she's older and in school.

We've all heard stories about someone who seemed totally normal, popular, well-liked, successful, who did something bad that shook our faith in others. The OP doesn't know if something wrong is going on. Her son is 12 years old. As a parent, she trusted her gut, and I don't think anyone can fault her for that. Her first responsibility is to make sure her son's safety is not being jeopardized, even if it comes at the expense of a teacher who "likes his job and just wants his kids to be happy." (Besides, IMO, a teacher that has nothing to hide shouldn't get defensive about a parent that questions this situation. I think they'd have a right to feel slightly annoyed that their trustworthiness and character were essentially questioned, sure. It's human nature. But if there's nothing to hide, there's nothing to get defensive about, no?)

mommy2allyandaveri, If one of your children had a teacher that you and your husband were uncomfortable with (for whatever reason), that was spending time alone with your child, would that raise any red flags with you? Or would you automatically assume that the teacher is doing NOTHING wrong because your husband is a totally normal guy who loves his job, so therefore everyone else must be totally normal?

I do understand it must be frustrating to feel that people are judging your husband and all the wonderful teachers out there every time something like this happens, and I can imagine how difficult it must be for teachers to feel like they have to bottle up some of the passion they have for teaching and inspiring kids. But come on - please acknowledge that just because your husband is "a good guy who would never do anything "creepy"" does not mean that ALL teachers are like that.

[penybryn]

I/we personally have very strong feelings of dislike with parents who behave the way you do. This is probably just a teacher who likes his job and wants his kids to be happy, if that means staying in during lunch and watching movies, fine (of course only if they are age appropriate movies). It's parents like you who ruin good teachers because they get a talking to or reprimanded by their principle for doing something "creepy" when really they haven't done anything wrong at all. This breaks their spirit, makes them not want to do nice things for their kids on their own time. My husband also goes to some of his kids games outside of school. They ask him to and actually the parents think it is pretty cool that a teacher will take time out of their personal lives to show that they care about their kids. Teachers are supposed to be a mentor of sorts.



Whoooooo....Look, first of all I specifically said to the principal that I did not accuse this man of doing any wrong doing. My son likes him. He likes his class. This was a choice I made for MY child. I don't want him watching movies alone with this man, your husband or my next door neighbor. At 12 I can't always trust that he will do as I say (I told him to go the caf from now on, not the classroom).

My child has no gripes with the lunch room. Its crowded. Its loud. He's the loud one. He has a zillion friends to sit with. We have friends at our house everyday, sleepovers every weekend. Girls call him day and night (not that I'm up for that yet but thats another topic). He just liked the fact that he could watch movies instead.

Yesterday when he came home, there was no mention of the event, so I assume the principal handled it tactifully. I will call her later today and find out what happened. If my son felt I was out of line, I would have heard about it. My kids are vocal.

Teachers..continue to be there for kids. I just had to trust my instinct on this call and I'll stick to my guns here. As far as sporting events, I love you to come. Support our children. My husband just got a bad vibe here.

Also, I know this has been compared over and over to high school. He is not in high school. He is a young 7th grader who just turned twelve. Its not the same.

[kindermom]

I only got through about a 1/3 of the responses. I just want to say that I have teachers who are buddy -buddy with their students from late grade school up through high school. Most of the time my parents were cool with it. In 7th grade we ate lunch most days in our math teachers room. There were 6-12 of us, mostly girls, who hung out in a males teachers room. Was that a problem? Nope. But I also had a 6th grade teacher who gave my mom bad vibes. I was not allowed to be alone with him. You know what, he offered to do "secret" tutoring after school with me. I was an excellent student and did not need tutoring. I found out later that both my older sister and a good friend were propositioned as well.

I guess what I am trying to say is that that the bad vibe is the part that I think is important. Would you have reacted the same way if the bad vibe was not there? I hope not. But you trusted your gut instinct on a situation that made you very uncomfortable. I give your props for speaking up.

[penybryn]

guess what I am trying to say is that that the bad vibe is the part that I think is important. Would you have reacted the same way if the bad vibe was not there? I hope not.

No. I give teachers credit they deserve. It isn't a job I ever wanted. Its important. A teacher is supposed to be someone my child trusts and I can trust with my child.

If he was in a group with 6 kids would I care? Absolutely not. But 2? No way. What happens on the day kid 2 is home sick?

[kindermom]

Even if it was 1 on 1, it is probably not a bad situation. I would venture to guess that 99% of all teachers would be fine in a 1 on 1 situation. But if he is creepy, that is a different story. I am not so sure that the chance is worth it then.

[camberne]

No. I give teachers credit they deserve. It isn't a job I ever wanted. Its important. A teacher is supposed to be someone my child trusts and I can trust with my child.

If he was in a group with 6 kids would I care? Absolutely not. But 2? No way. What happens on the day kid 2 is home sick?I still think you're being unfair to the teacher. Perhaps if Kid 2 is home sick, Kid 1 would be told not to come? Or maybe on this occasion, there were two kids; but perhaps there are more on other days. It just seems like you're assuming the worst without taking any initiative to find out what actually happened. Report first, investigate later.

And, no one seemed to pick up on the fact that it was YOUR SON who took the movie to school to watch! So, I have to ask, if you're unhappy with the fact that your son is watching movies with a teacher at school, why was he allowed to take the movie to school in the first place?

[penybryn]

And, no one seemed to pick up on the fact that it was YOUR SON who took the movie to school to watch! So, I have to ask, if you're unhappy with the fact that your son is watching movies with a teacher at school, why was he allowed to take the movie to school in the first place?

Well thats how I found out about the whole thing in the first place. Why would I check my kids backpack for movies? They don't normally watch movies at school. It was the off the cuff comment that he watched the movie at school today that generated the whole thing.

As for this discussion, the principal reported to me that she spoke briefly with the teacher about having kids in his room that are supposed to be in the caf. If the lunch and movie offer wasn't open to everyone, it was open to no one. End of story. I'm satisfied with her result. I bow out of this debate.

Thank you for your comments.

[wine_o_girlie]

And, no one seemed to pick up on the fact that it was YOUR SON who took the movie to school to watch! So, I have to ask, if you're unhappy with the fact that your son is watching movies with a teacher at school, why was he allowed to take the movie to school in the first place?

I noticed this too and it really irks me. Was your son punished by you for taking a movie to school?

My husband is a teacher and I have strong feelings on this issue. Penbryn, I think you handled the situation incorrectly and it is honestly maddening to me that you place no blame on your son but all of the blame on the teacher. IMO, you should have a) dealt with your son taking the movie to school when you do not approve of such things and b) talked to the teacher FIRST and if you did not have a good conversation with him, then talked to the Administration.

My husband is the only male classroom teacher in his school and he is by far the most popular teacher with students, their parents, and the Administration. He has won numerous awards for his teaching and there is clamoring each year to get assigned to his class. There are a lot of families today who do not have a male role model in the home, so many mothers want their children assigned to a male teacher. It's really quite sad that he is the only male role model a lot of children see on a regular basis. He feels a lot of responsibility and the kids are always inviting him to events, games, etc. He tries to attend what he can but he has his own family commitments.

There are many, many days that he has multiple students approach him about family or friend issues and ask him if they can come into his room during lunch or recess. He has an open door policy and I think that is the best thing for all of the kids. He works so extremely hard at his job and he gets paid crap for it. He works more hours than I do and I make triple what he does. He sometimes talks about returning to the private sector because of the red tape (No Child Left Behind :rolleyes:) , crap he gets from a few parents, and the piss poor salary.

Penbryn, I think did no one any favors with the way you handled the situation. You missed an opportunity to teach your child to have some responsibility for his poor decision to take a movie to school. You did not even give the teacher the courtesy to respond to your questions about the situation. I completely agree that your son should not be watching Mutant Turtles at school, but I do not think the teacher deserved all of the blame for that bad decision and that's where you have placed it.

I find it astounding and sad that so many people agree with your actions. Parents who are always looking to blame the teacher and not hold their own children accountable for their actions do their child no favors and IMO, that is poor parenting. Unfortunately based upon what I have seen since my husband became a teacher 7 years ago, this phenomenon is only increasing.

[camberne]

Why would I check my kids backpack for movies? Well, I would think you would check your kid's backpack, in general, not just for movies. My son is almost 16, and I still do that... not only to make sure that homework assignments are completed and in his backpack, but to make sure that he's not taking things he shouldn't be taking to school. Because, gee, kids do that. If you're concerned about what they're doing in school, you should be concerned about what they're taking to school and what they're bringing home from school.

[cocopop]

Glad to hear you got it resolved to your satisfaction. It's great when teachers go out of their way to connect with their students. However I think his actions of only inviting two students, as well as showing up at the game were a little sketchy. (Not to mention giving your husband "the creeps".) I think you did the right thing.

It wouldn't take a lot of common sense on the teachers part to think, "hmm....I'm new to the school, inviting two young boys to watch movies with me during lunch....hmmm....might that come across the wrong way??" Hello, wake up call!

As for not checking your son's backpack....eesh. I wouldn't check my daughter's backpack everyday either!

[AHammer]

I realize the OP said she's bowed out of this convo, but I just have a question. A lot of the people who are agreeing w/ the OP's actions say that the teacher "invited" the boys to his room, when the original post says that he's "allowing" them to come to his room. To me, this would make a big difference as to whether I called the teacher or not (no way would I go directly to someone's boss over suspicions alone, I think that's rude to the teacher and may jeopordize his job). If the teacher did in fact invite only these two boys, yes that's weird, and yes I'd tell the teacher I thought that was inappropriate. But if the boys wanted to watch movies instead of hang out in the caf, and they asked this teacher, and he said yes, then the OP should be telling HER SON that it's inappropriate.

Either way, I think the OP needs to talk with her son more about this situation, instead of having the teacher be the bad guy and tell the kids they can't eat there anymore.

[MrsBeckyLP]

AHammer- I completely agree with you regarding how these kids came to spend lunch in this teacher's office. I asked that question yesterday. It really bothers me that some just assume the teacher sought out these kids. The OP said she'd find out, but then never came back and answered. That really leaves me to believe her son asked the teacher if he could hang out there, not the other way around. For me, that makes all the difference in the world.

[myshel]

A lot of people have already commented on the subject, but as a teacher, I wanted to voice my opinion too. I don't think the teacher has lecherous intentions. As others have said, sometimes, kids seek teachers out as a safe haven. I know I have been that person for some of my students at times.

I think the watching of the movie is a bit out of place during the day. I would never let my students do that, but then again, I hold my 18 minute lunch very close to my heart and do not want to be bothered. I have, however, let kids watch important news events in my room through lunch (for instance, when the process of naming the new pope was going on-- I teach at a Catholic HS), but that only happens on rare occassions.

As far as teachers attending events, that isn't all that weird either. I go to football, basketball, soccer, baseball, and softball games, wrestling matches, plays, and fine arts events frequently. I often have kids approach my family, say hi, and want to play with my kids-- especially at football games. Since it's out in the open, I don't see the harm in it.

Our principal has warned us a few times to not get too involved with the kids (inviting them to our homes, going out for meals with them, etc), and I can see the rationale behind that. Kids don't know where the line is and often cross it; adults should know the limits and direct the students accordingly. Besides, I don't really understand why any teacher would want to hang out with students during their own personal time, but I digress.

I'm wondering if the teacher in this case was young. It seems that new teachers often make mistakes when it comes to this exact sort of situation without intending to cause any real harm. I know that as a new teacher, I did some dumb things too. This doesn't excuse the teacher, but it might help explain the situation a bit.

I think how the OP handled the situation is the way most parents do these days. I know from my own experience that I rarely hear from a concerned parent; most of that gets filtered through the administration down to me (believe me, I know.. ugh!). It doesn't make it wrong; it just is what it is.

I find it sad that the immediate conclusion is that the teacher is a "creeper," (as my kids like to say) according to many pp. It says a lot about the world we live in today.

[R_mageddon]

Do you think this is true? :confused: I've never read anything to support this.

Look at all these cases that came up with the Catholic church, most of the victims are quite a bit older than me (I'm 30).

I think the difference is we have a sensationalist media now.

I'm glad that after so wanting to press the reply button half way through the thread I decided to keeping reading to see if anyone else addressed the apparently common misconception that child molestation did not happen back when we were kids.

I agree that our media is much more sensationalistic, as well, I think we as parents are more open with our children. It is less of a 'children should be seen and not heard' mentality. Children are given more of a voice by their parents these days and as a result, I think they are being more open with us. Alternately, I think with society being as open as it is, parents are less likely to sweep it under the rug and 'hide' it or attempt to deal with the situation privately.

Therefore, it is more likely that we HEAR about it more these days rather than it HAPPENING more.

[julietchicago]

I'm late chiming in, but wanted to say that you can never be too safe these days. It's sad, but you just never know and if your gut is telling you something *may* not be right you need to act on that feeling.

I believe as a parent you did the right thing. Most likely the teacher had nothing but good intentions, but again you just never know! Stories like teachers sleeping with their students is in the news all of the time.

Times have changed and this world is not as safe as it was (or maybe we thought it was) when we were growing up as kids.

[phoenics]

I think the fact that you called and talked to his boss about it was crossing the line and completely uncalled for. He has done NOTHING wrong. Now had he done something wrong then you did the right thing but nothing you said here was "wrong" or even "creepy" in my mind.

But apparently in the principal's mind, it was wrong.

I don't think the OP was out of line. She's just concerned for her son and I believe that even though teachers really catch it on both ends, those teachers have to understand the impact they have on families. Teachers are charged with educating, inspiring and mentoring young children - so that's a very serious situation. I think that more parents should be heavily involved in that process too.

It's hard to know who you can trust these days and I think the OP was just reacting to an unsettling situation - a situation that the principal seemed to suggest was inappropriate, if I read the OP's post correctly.

[phoenics]

I also wanted to note that for the teachers and teacher-defenders who are saying that the OP should have checked her son's backpack for movies ... are you kidding me?

As a child, I NEVER expected to be able to take a movie to school and watch it. So, two things could have happened - her son wanted to watch the movie and asked if he could watch it in the classroom (to which the teacher should have asked his parent if it was okay because TMNT is a PG movie - that means PARENTAL GUIDANCE), OR the teacher offhandedly mentioned that kids could watch movies in the classroom and the OP's son grabbed a movie to watch.

So, I find all of the comments about how the OP should have checked the bag and how apparently that makes it all on the OP to be stretching and reaching (as if the teacher has no responsibility to make sure that the kids could even watch the movies brought in - what if the other kid's parents didn't allow him to watch anything without their express approval?)...

I get it that teachers are under a lot of pressure and I get it that they try to reach out to kids and mentor and inspire them - but they still have to do it safely and in a way that is appropriate and above-board. This teacher probably was a bit eager and skipped the right channels to ensure that he had parent permission to show the movies (my parents had to sign consent forms for me to watch anything at school).

There's no need to go on the offensive against the OP just because you didn't like what she did to protect her own children.

And to the comment that one poster made about disliking parents like the OP, I say that you SHOULD be disliking the parents who don't give a d@mn at all. Having concerned and involved parents is a blessing. Yes, some can go overboard (but I don't think the OP did) and I've seen it happen. My mother was a teacher and is now an instructional specialist and I've personally witnessed parents going off on her when their child was disciplined (not physically, but mentally) in school, or when they weren't allowed to do some bad activity they wanted to do. To me, that's out of order - but the OP's actions weren't anywhere close to that.

In cases where a child might be harmed, I'm all for report now, ask questions later.

[citylove]

I will come back later and read all replies, but I just wanted to say that I teach at a small middle school (5th - 8th less than 100 kids) but a few times a week kids will stay in my room for lunch. Sometimes they want to talk with me about stuff, sometimes they just want to read, sometimes they're cramming for a test. Every once in a while someone will need a nap on my bean bags. However, there are always several and they are always girls. And it's pretty common at my school. I guess guys have to be a bit more careful.

However, one should always trust one's instincts, so kudos to the OP for calling if it felt weird.

[jajacobsen]

I think that NONE of us really know what the principal thinks, what the teacher thinks, etc. We know what the OP has said the principal has said to her, but we really don't know what teh principal said to the teacher, or thought to himself/fherself.

I just went back and read the OPs first post. The facts were that there were three boys watching teenage mutant ninja turtles. Not two. Three. The OP was uncomfortable with the level of contact between the music teacher and her child and she called the principal. Fair enough. She asked for opinions on how she handled it.

I think the teacher exercised poor judgment, but really did nothing wrong. He's new and inexperienced; and he probably shouldn't let them watch videos.

It appears from all the posts here from current teachers, stu