Has seeing a persons home changed your opinion of them?

[GroceryStoreWine]

I have this new friend that I met over the summer. She's very cool, artistic and fun. We've gone on outings at local events, took a day long shopping trip together and had lunch countless times. Since we're both in an artistic field we've been fortunate to trade favors and help each other out.

This weekend I saw her home. WOW. First off, she lives in one of the older houses in town that I've always admired so I was excited to see her home. Plus she's artistic and I've found artistic people usually have interesting homes.

I didn't judge the outside of the house because well, it's the middle of a wet winter. I didn't even judge the double garage that was piled high with junk. But the house was a dump! It looked like college campus housing with the junky mispatched furniture, dull, stained walls with really crappy looking things hung here and there. The kitchen was really messy and "dirty" looking. We sat down at the dining room table and I cringed to put my pieces on the dried spaghetti splattered table. I couldn't believe it.

I feel really crappy about being so judgemental but the house was so bad that I don't really see her as the same fun, arty person. She's doing a large project for me and I don't really "trust" her with it anymore even though she's proven in that past that she's capable.

I still consider her a friend, I probably just won't want to go to her house anymore. Anyway, has anyone else known a person and finally visited their home, saw their car, met their husband and suddenly you just see them in a different light?

[jennylou]

I could see not enjoying being in the home if it was dirty. But mismatched furniture? Not everyone chooses to spend their money on the latest trends in home decor. You say the kitchen was "dirty" looking. Does that mean it WAS dirty, or you just thought it looked kind of dull, lifeless, etc? For example, my counter tops always look dirty - they're at least 30 years old - they're stained.

As for seeing a car, well, if you're talking about what they drive, that goes back to not everyone choosing to spend their money on cars.

[diam124]

Well, sort of. One of DH's friend's girlfriends and I moved in together for a year. I had been to her previous apartment and it was perfectly fine. But when we moved in together all cleanliness went out the window. I am far from a neat freak, but she was disgusting. It took her forever to unpack her room and one night her dog fell off her bed onto a mirror that was laying on the floor. The mirror broke and cut the dog pretty badly so she had to take it to an emergency vet for stitches. Stupid stuff like that happened all the time because she just didn't care. She also used a towel belonging to a 3rd roommate to dry her dog after a bath (and then hung it up again for 3rd roommate to use!). She was just very inconsiderate and it really ruined our friendship.

[miaclear]

I'm guessing the OP edited out the comments about mismatched furniture and what they drive? Or I'm lost.

Anyhow....the only thing that comes to mind was when my mom brought me to the house of the person who was going to make my wedding cake (for 200 people). She warned me it was a small cluttered kitchen, she worked out of her house. I was completely shocked at how small it was but the clutter....hardly an inch of counter space to be had. It was clean though, just clutter of magazines, nic-nacs, economy sized food supplies (she also catered the wedding). The kitchen was about as big as a kitchen in a trailer home. She did however managed to make a beautiful cake and cook all the food so any reservations I had were gone.

[hub1176]

This post reminds me of the Friends episode where Ross goes to his dates house and it's a disater.
If it was really and truly disgusting (dried on food, garbage, etc.) then yes it might change my opinion about someone. Mismatched furniture? Well, one day I may be able to afford furniture that matches;)

[gayle]

Not really. Lots of people don't care much about decor, and lots of people are clutter bugs. I wouldn't want to live with them, but if they like things that way, I am fine with it. Dirty kitchens and bathrooms do bug me though. Again, I don't mind clutter, but dirt, grime, dried food and stuff does gross me out.

That being said, it wouldn't change my opinion of the person if I had already formed a favorable one based on other factors. I just wouldn't want to eat at their house is all.

[MrsBeckyLP]

I don't think the mismatched furniture would bother me, but dirtiness is something I can't tolerate. I don't know how people can live in filth, and that would definitely make me change my mind about a person.

[cr8zyforaf]

Yes. DH has a good friend and he was always pushing me to hang out with his wife or for the four of us to hang out. She seemed nice enough - the 4 of us went out a few times for dinner and we all had a good time. Well, DH had to drop something off so we went to their house (they knew we were coming)...I walked in and immediately my skin started to itch...there was stuff everywhere - everywhere - she even had to carve out a place in the couch for us to sit. There were only paths through the house to get to different rooms, the kitchen table was piled so high with paper that you couldn't even see it. And it was really dark....there seemed to be no light - which was probably a good thing because my guess is that there wasn't much dusting going on.

I was shocked...they seemed like clean people - and this isn't just normal messy/clutter - we couldn't even open the front door all the way to get in because of stuff behind the door. It was gross and I have never gone back.

[GroceryStoreWine]

No, no, this place was DIRTY. Like I set my purse on the floor and when I picked it up there were dust bunnies and bits of food clinging to it and the computer area was dusty, smudgy and dirty. I could get more detailed but I won't.

I did mention mismatched furniture but my edit pertained to extra comments about our relationship that wasn't relevent and didn't need to be included. I tend to be too wordy. :)

I didn't mean to imply that mismatched furniture was bad. I have lots of cast offs myself and I frequent garage sales to get that sort of eclectic look.

I guess I was surprised because I expected her to live in a place like herself, very cool, fun and stylish and it so wasn't. I mean it didn't look like "her" at all. I still very much consider her my friend.

On the flip side (and sort of pointing a finger at myself) I'm fussy about my appearace and my home but drive a real crapper of a car. It runs like a dream and I keep it clean but its an economy car with dents. And I wonder if people see me getting into my car and think things about me. I just find this very interesting.

It took her forever to unpack her room and one night her dog fell off her bed onto a mirror that was laying on the floor. The mirror broke and cut the dog pretty badly so she had to take it to an emergency vet for stitches.

How terrible for that poor dog. :mad:

This post reminds me of the Friends episode where Ross goes to his dates house and it's a disater.
I think meeting new friends as an adult is a lot like dating. And I did think of that episode myself. :p

[Winter Biscuit]

No, I can't really say I've been in that situation.

FWIW, I have a relative who is clinically depressed. He has severe depression. He's been on meds and in therapy -- sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. It is a major production for him to get out of bed most days. Although he's college-educated and very smart, he has a hard time staying employed for longer than a few months at a time. (He tends to get fired from his jobs because he doesn't show up for work - because his depression makes it hard for him to get out of the house...he can literally stay in bed for DAYS on end without having any contact with the outside world whatsoever.) Anyway, if you saw this person on the street, you would think he was well-dressed, looked like a "normal" guy, etc. If you talked to him, you'd find he's interesting and fun. You'd never guess by looking at him that he has a mental illness.

But if you visited his house -- YIKES. It's a TOTAL dump. Dirty dishes piled in the sink, empty pop and beer bottles ALL over the place (we're talking several months' worth), floors haven't been mopped in AGES, old newspaper piled all over the place, PILES of unopened mail that is literally a few feet high. Stuff ALL over the floor. It really is scary how messy his house his. Part of it is due to him not having the motivation to keep things neat and orderly (in part, due to his severe depression), and part of it is due to him just not being a clean/neat person by nature. When I read your description of your friend's house, I wondered if there was a "hidden" reason you may not be aware of (e.g. mental illness) that she doesn't keep her house in better shape.

[GroceryStoreWine]

When I read your description of your friend's house, I wondered if there was a "hidden" reason you may not be aware of (e.g. mental illness) that she doesn't keep her house in better shape.


Hey, you never know. I wouldn't say her house is "that bad" but she seems to have an unusual cynical side so maybe there is some depression lurking. I probably should have titled the thread "How has seeing a persons home made you learn more about them."

Also, :o Rereading my original post I feel like my original comment about the mismatched furniture and her decor might seem really snobby. I just wanted everyone to know I didn't mean to come off that way. I can't descibe it but there is a difference between mismatched furniture and the weird set up I saw at her house.

[AHammer]

Yes, a dirty (and I mean truly dirty) house changes my opinion of a person. I politely decline to go to gatherings at a house that I know will trigger my allergies (piles and piles of dog or cat hair, never dusted or vacuumed, moldy dishes, etc) and gross me out. I find it hard to enjoy myself in situations like that, so I avoid them.

Things like this don't affect my opinion so much that I won't be friends with someone, though. I will still hang out with someone, just not at their home.

[DallasLady]

I guess it depends, but my overall answer would be yes. I think it's rude to invite someone to your house and not clean it. There are some circumstances where this can be overlooked (like if you just had a baby and haven't had time to vacuum), but as a whole it would change my opinion of a person if their house was always a nasty mess. My mother's house is like this, and she gets annoyed that I don't like to come visit her. Sorry, I just don't find it fun at all to hang out in someone else's filth.

[imagirliegirl]

Yes and no.

I used to have this boss that was absolutely brilliant at her job. Everyone just loved her and thought she was so great. But her house was NASTY. She had a lot of pets (by that I mean too many) and her cats peed everywhere. I kid you not, you could smell the pee when you walked up to the front door. Was it foul? Yes. I do not understand how she lived there. Did it affect her job? No, she was great.

So I definitely think I question someone who can live in filth because I have NO idea how they do it. But I wouldn't carry that opinion over to a job or whatever she is doing for you. Her personal living choices obviously don't reflect her work ethic as you've found her helpful in the past.

[DisneyGirl]

I guess it depends, but my overall answer would be yes. I think it's rude to invite someone to your house and not clean it. There are some circumstances where this can be overlooked (like if you just had a baby and haven't had time to vacuum), but as a whole it would change my opinion of a person if their house was always a nasty mess. My mother's house is like this, and she gets annoyed that I don't like to come visit her. Sorry, I just don't find it fun at all to hang out in someone else's filth.

So, we meet again in a thread .. I think we are partial twins or something because I totally agree with your post. I would be so anoyed if someone invited me over and there house was a mess. I am such a freak with that kind of stuff and if I brought my kids over and they were playing on thier messy rug that would really set me off.

[young lioness]

This isn't similar to the OP's situation but the whole idea of visiting someone's house changing opinions reminds me of a past experience.

When I was at a previous job, the office leader (highest position within our location, not highest in the company) invited everyone in the office over for a mid-afternoon party as a morale booster type thing. This was a design firm, so I expected this guy's house to be very "design-y" and tasteful. And because he was in a high position and probably made good money, I expected that his house would probably be full of high-quality, expensive stuff...but tasteful.

After the party a friend and I discussed it and it looked like the theme of the decor was "we have lots of money and like to spend it on really expensive, really ugly crap". Nothing really "went" together aside from the fact that all of it was a lavish display of wealth. And I'm not judging the fact that they had expensive stuff...I expected that he would. But there's expensive stuff that looks really nice and is expensive because it's well designed and high quality...and then there's expensive stuff that seems to be purposely designed to say "look at me! I'm flashy and gaudy and really expensive!" And when you fill a whole house with stuff like that, not only is it ugly, but it gives kind of a bad impression.

[kari]

Although I haven't been in this situation, I feel like I would have to say yes. Being judgemental, even over little things comes with the territory of being a human, IMO.

[akacharlotte]

I don't think my opinion has ever changed of someone but I think I've gained a better understanding of that person's personality or habits after witnessing their home.

[hub1176]

I used to have this boss that was absolutely brilliant at her job. Everyone just loved her and thought she was so great. But her house was NASTY. She had a lot of pets (by that I mean too many) and her cats peed everywhere. I kid you not, you could smell the pee when you walked up to the front door. Was it foul? Yes. I do not understand how she lived there.

This reminds me of a coworker I had. She was awesome, and loved to bake treats for the office. One day I drove her home from work and she invited me in.....well, let's say it not only changed my opinion, but I also never ate her baked goods again....:eek:

[cr8zyforaf]

She was awesome, and loved to bake treats for the office. One day I drove her home from work and she invited me in.....well, let's say it not only changed my opinion, but I also never ate her baked goods again....

This is EXACTLY why I cannot eat food from people I do not know/have seen where they cook...insane, isn't it?

[mamax2]

Anyway, has anyone else known a person and finally visited their home, saw their car, met their husband and suddenly you just see them in a different light?

Meeting someone's spouse definitely has the ability to change my opinion of someone. It's very revealing about a person to see who they choose for a partner.

The other stuff, I have to say it would be more like "Wow, isn't this cool that..." or "This house is gross, I'm not going to hang out there." It wouldn't affect my opinion of the *person* but might have some effect on how our relationship plays out (for instance, if I didn't feel comfortable in their home).

[phoenics]

My aunt had a lot of clutter at her home - like you could barely get up the stairs there was so much crap there. It was because she had turned into a packrat due to sad situations in her life. I think it was how she coped. I think at first hoarding stuff was her way of inserting some control into her life, but the stuff just exploded on her and took over.

Her home was clean, just cluttered. It got worse when her daughter died - my dad had to go over and help clean things out so family could come visit her and he said it was really bad.

When I see a home like that, most of the time I just think the person is going through something - or went through something in the past, got buried under all of their crap and never found their way out. If you've got crap everywhere - even in your kitchen, it's hard to keep it clean... and it can seem like an insurmountable task to clean everything up because there is just so much.

I went through a really bad time like that in grad school after my engagement ended badly. I was so stressed out that I eventually fell into a bit of a depression - I felt like I didn't know where I was going or what I was doing and my living situation reflected that.

It's funny because when my engagement was going fine, my place was very nice, lol.

But once those problems hit - it was like I couldn't keep it clean to save my life. That's why now I work really hard to keep my place clean and I know that when it starts cluttering up that there's something going on in my life that I need to address and resolve.

[ajb524]

Yes. I have a friend I love dearly, but she is a terrible housekeeper. The one and only time I went to her new condo there were dirty dishes from a week or so sitting out on the counter. She jokingly told me she only does dishes every week or two. Clutter doesn't bother me, but filth does.

[twainny]

WOW- glad no one can visit me!! My house has TONS of clutter... mainly toys EVERYWHERE!! I can't pick them up fast enough. I had folded laundry in a basket yesterday, my son jump in it and spilled it all over the floor... it sat there overnight.

Most days the breakfast dishes sit on the table until lunch (or dinner) cause we are in such a hurry to get out the door. I can't clean anything until after the kids go to bed (which is sometimes 10pm or later), being a mom is too exhausting!

I have clean house envy!

[tgr68]

Sadly, I grew up in situations very similar to what many are describing here and perpetuated that when I moved out on my own in college. It was never that I was depressed or lazy, I was just completely oblivious to my own mess. I did at least try to pick up the clutter when I knew I was having company, but if you stopped in unannounced, it was really bad! I'm doing better now, but it has been a long road.

Do I judge others based upon their house cleaning habits? Yes. Oftentimes, I have this perception of a person based upon their public life - many of which comes with white glove test passing home assumptions, so when I see their house in a less than perfect state, it's kind of a relief to me. ;) Many times, these situations, though, are clutter-related and not filth related.

[NYN]

Yes...and I am like PP's who won't eat food from anyone if I don't know how clean their house is.

[GroceryStoreWine]

Meeting someone's spouse definitely has the ability to change my opinion of someone. It's very revealing about a person to see who they choose for a partner.

I have a sweet wonderful older friend that I used to work with. Always in a great positive mood. We stayed friends after I left that job. I finally met her husband and he was a total ogre and treated her badly.

I felt that anyone who choose to stay with a negative man like that (she had a private reason for doing so) but could still present a genuine, positive, upbeat attitude in her daily life must have a wealth of strength that I didn't know existed.

[imagirliegirl]

This is EXACTLY why I cannot eat food from people I do not know/have seen where they cook...insane, isn't it?

Oh, me neither. I'd always kind of been like that but this experience pretty much sealed the deal.

[Sasha]

Yes, DH's aunt. She took care of her mother (DH's grandmother) and I considered the conditions she had her mother living in to be elder abuse. It was the most despicable situation I have ever seen in my life. This woman let her dogs and cats poop all over the floor and didn't clean it up, there were poop and god only know what other kinds of dirt stains all over the house, clothes strewn about the entire house, sheets had never been changed, dishes piled up so high you couldn't see over them. Poor DH's grandmother, once this elegant, classy lady reduced to living in horrendous conditions because of her disgusting daughter. It was horrible and I wish I had never seen it. DH was beside himself when we discovered this. He cleaned his grandmother's bathroom for her, cleaned the kitchen and did all the dishes while we visited (they lived out of town). And he barely made a dent in the filth. I have a very hard time when we see his aunt (the grandmother has since passed away) because I have no respect for her whatsoever.

BTW, the aunt is a fairly successful attorney.

[Kimberland30]

If the home were truly dirty and nasty, I wouldn't stop being friends with the owner, I'd just not go over there. We have friends who are clutter magnets, but I love them and their house is "clean" so I don't mind walking around the crap.

However, I have a friend who is a total neat freak, and I'm uncomfortable at her house. Seriously, DH knocked over a glass of soda in her kitchen and when I was rinsing out the sponge, her boyfriend came up to me and turned off the water and said "She doesn't like it when it runs". WTF? I'm always nervous that I'll break something, stain something, or just outright do something NORMAL that she won't like.

Give me clutter any day!

[ManteoChik]

Meeting someone's spouse definitely has the ability to change my opinion of someone. It's very revealing about a person to see who they choose for a partner.

Oh yeah!!! My boss! His wife (our receptionist) is the sweetest lady and she's very soft spoken. She seems to have had a very normal upbringing with Christian parents that both worked in the church - and he is the opposite of those things. How she ended up with my boss is unimaginable to me. He's soooo rude to her, and treats her like she is his slave at the office. He talks down to her, and in return their 25 year old son (who also works with us and lives at home still) treats her the same way because its what he knows. He cheated on her, and flaunted it around the office going to lunch with this woman and tries to talk about their sex life to who ever he can corner. Then had the audacity to try and tell me that he didn't see why she insisted on them going to therapy (knowing how I feel about cheating spouses). Ugh, just thinking about that makes me dislike him even more. She doesn't deserve it but they've been married almost 30 years and I think she probably feels like she has nothing else or anywhere else to go.

[rileyandfredsmom]

I am by no means a neat freak...yes, I have had dirty dishes sit in my sink for a day or two!! :eek: But not when anyone is coming over!

At my house you can drop a crumb or an entire loaf of bread and not worry about it....the dogs will eat it.

I am proud to say I haven't made my bed in over 6 years...we just close the door when company comes...they don't need to see where DH and I sleep anyway.

And if you stop by my house M - F (I only vaccuum on Saturdays), you are likely to find a dust bunny floating down the hall.

I do a thorough house cleaning once a week so only plan to come over on Saturday afternoon if you are bothered by dust bunnies or dishes in the sink (I run the dishwasher as it fills up througout the week but there is a chance I haven't filled it up since dinner the night before).

I just don't place housekeeping as a high priority in my life.....it's probably down towards 6 or 7 and my friends know this. I am self-conscious about my home and typically won't let people come over if it isn't clean but if you see the pile of dishes in my sink and think less of me as a person, then so be it. I'm still the same woman that sat and listened to you for hours talk about how you didn't know if your fiancee was the man you really wanted to marry (1 month out from your wedding), still the woman that sent you flowers when you got pregnant, still the woman that held your hand after your miscarriage and came over at 2 in the morning because you couldn't handle the grief that night. Personally, I would rather have the friendship than a clean plate.

[literati]

I have changed my mind about a friend but it was a positive change.

My friend had her first apartment after college. She's stylish and conscientious about her appearance. So, I expected her apartment to be relatively nice even though I knew it would not be furnished to the nines yet. Well, my friend had constructed window treatments out of wood and rice paper. I never knew she had it in her. I was pleasantly surprised and gained more respect for her.

[GroceryStoreWine]

However, I have a friend who is a total neat freak, and I'm uncomfortable at her house. Seriously, DH knocked over a glass of soda in her kitchen and when I was rinsing out the sponge, her boyfriend came up to me and turned off the water and said "She doesn't like it when it runs". WTF? I'm always nervous that I'll break something, stain something, or just outright do something NORMAL that she won't like.

This made me laugh. I was surprised that it wasn't the knocked over soda that was the problem but something much more mundane, like the running water.

I have SIL like this. I love her to death but I'm "almost" as uncomfortable at her super clean house as I was in the dirty house. She's a wonderful person and feels she works very hard to have nice things. She gets very worried about her possesions being ruined. She's going to have a baby in two months so this should be an interesting ride.

Looking at it this way I can't decide which evil I'd rather have. And further thinking about it, I'll bet both these woman don't feel 100% comfortable being in my home. I guess coffeeshops are the way to go. :D