Bat Mitzvah Gift HELP!

[PaisleySloan]

I'm having trouble choosing a Bat Mitzvah gift for my bosses' daughter. She's not really a girly-girl and she literally has everything!! Any ideas?

[southerner]

you can never go wrong with a gift certificate or check. Or were you hoping not to put such an obvious amount of money into it?

[tenofcups]

Money is the norm in my experience unless there's a reason why you don't want to do that?

[PaisleySloan]

I don't mind giving money at all, but I'm into the "meaningful" gift thing. Then again, I don't really know her all that well. Perhaps money is the way to go. We can't afford all that much, but then again I guess every little bit counts, right?

[lawyergirl25]

Those are lovely bat mitzvah caricatures to the right. Maybe she'd enjoy one of those.


...kidding, kidding... :)

[KrissyCat7]

Id get her a gift certificate to go do something. You could even put it all together in a basket with a theme. Like if you did tickets to a play, you could do tickets, maybe a mask, different things like that.

[PaisleySloan]

Those are lovely bat mitzvah caricatures to the right. Maybe she'd enjoy one of those.
...kidding, kidding... :)
LOL! Great idea!!!

Or we could just name a star after her. :)

[Zelda Von Yitz]

Checks in amounts of multiples of the number 18 will do ($18, $36, $52, etc) -- the number 18 is the chai.

[southerner]

forgive my naiveness, but did someone post that ad for caricatures? it wasn't there earlier, was it? That's weird someone can do that!

[lawyergirl25]

Google's crawling device reads what's on the page and puts up ads that correspond to our discussion.

For instance, now there's a caricatures ad at the bottom of the page. :)

[msnicolea]

google creeps me out.

i hate giving cash, but i sure love getting it, so. . .

[Mooshie]

They're a nice was to not spend too much but the recipient still gets a lot. And they teach kids about saving.

[lawyergirl25]

Hmmm...gone now. Thank you for breaking the spell, msnicolea.

[southerner]

NOW google creeps me out

[msnicolea]

google is totally creeping me out with these add-things.

[PaisleySloan]

Thanks for all the suggestions.

I think I may just go the money route. Although, I hate to do that because she's not really a nice person at all.

I still like the name a star after her idea though. :)

[wander_woman]

I always give money in multiples of 18 for bar/bat mitzvahs. That's pretty much the norm. I usually give $36 (maybe $54 if it's someone close) because I don't think 13 year-olds should get huge presents.

[mrsfromage]

What about a beautiful picture frame with her invitation framed inside?

[Darlene&Scott]

Her parents will appreciate the money you give since they have to shell out so much for the party. They'll make her invest it if they're good Jews like my parents ;) I was pissed then but I'm grateful for it now! :p

[basketcase]

*Bump*

I'm struggling with a bat mitzvah gift idea right now, too.

So is cash really the way to go? And how do you give it -- literally dollar bills, or write a check? Maybe I should look into those American Express certificates....

Any other non-cash ideas??

Thanks everyone!

[KarenS]

My understanding from attending celebrations for friends kids and from photographing a fair share of mitzvot, is that cash is the most traditional, welcome, and common gift. So I just always give cash (or a check).

Karen

[Cali*Girl]

I have been invited to the Bar Mitzvah of a former student (last year). I won't be attending, but I imagine I still send a gift, right?
So, I'm getting the impression that $36 is a good idea?
Thanks!

[prudies]

I just want to point out that I don't think you have to give cash. When I had my bat mitzvah (ok, so it was a little while ago :rolleyes: ), I mostly received cash from relatives, and it was for my college fund. For the most part, I got jewelry (nice little things - dainty little earrings or something), or books, or judaica.

[suzubeane]

I agree with Prudies - you do not have to give cash; in some areas of the country (New York, for example) this is the norm, but there are many other appropriate gifts.

A Bar or Bat Mitzvah marks the time when a boy or girl is considered an adult in the Jewish Community, and is then responsible for performing Mitzvot. When I was growing up, (and this is still true today in my family) it was a given that any monetary gifts were going to be "put away for the future." Many of them came in the form of bonds actually, and as Prudies said, mostly they came from relatives.

B'nai Mitzvah are lifecycle events that speak to the community's hopes for the child's future Jewish involvement and education. Because I like my gifts to reflect that, I give books, bonds or checks - or a combination of two depending on how much I want to spend. I would NEVER give cash. Giving cash infers the gift is like pocket money which does not reflect the significance of Bar Mitzvah.

When my son became a Bar Mitzvah in 2002, he received many checks and savings bonds, in addition to books, an "adult" watch from my uncle, Judaica, but very few "trendy teen" gifts or gift certificates. I eventually allowed him to spend some of his Bar Mitzvah gift money on a drum set, figuring that anyone who gave him money to further his education would consider his musical education to be part of that.

My favorite thing to do (for kids in my family or whom I know well) is to give three checks of different multiples of chai (18) accompanied by a clever note where I tell them to donate one, save one, and spend the last one. I think this reflects what the occasion is about: The hope that the child will go forward and perform acts of t'kun olam (healing of the world) and also gives a nod his or her becomming an adult. (The "spend now" check is the smallest, and just thrown in for fun.)

Depending on how close I am to the child, I might also give Judaica, but I do not recommend this. Items of Judaica are very personal - many are ritual items. If you are not Jewish and they don't hold significance for you, or you don't know the recipient well, I wouldn't go this route.

General rule of thumb would be that Jewish-themed books would be a more typical gift for children from more observant familes. (Karen, if a family has asked you to photograph a Bar Mitvah on Shabbat, that would be an indication that they are a LESS observant family!)

In the past, I have given this book to girls:
The Women's Torah Commentary: New Insights from Women Rabbis on the 54 Weekly Torah Portions
http://images.amazon.com/images/P/1580230768.01._BO2,204,203,200_PIlitb-dp-500-arrow,TopRight,32,-59_AA240_SH20_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

If I'm giving a bond (I do this when I think the parents are likely to let the kid spend his gift money right away - sorry, but my personal belief is that a Bar or Bat Mitzvah is not supposed to be a windfall for the child) I throw in this book:

Jews Who Rock
(mini-bios on 100 top Jewish rockers)
http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/0312272677.01._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-dp-500-arrow,TopRight,45,-64_AA240_SH20_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

It's "Who's a Jew?" for teens! They love it. Obviously this is not a gift to give by itself - I consider kind of an elaborate card to give with a savings bond.

Sorry this was so long - hope it helped.

[basketcase]

Suzubeane, I am not Jewish, so your post was *so* helpful to me in understanding what is and is not appropriate or customary. Thank you for taking the time to write it out.

[KarenS]

(Karen, if a family has asked you to photograph a Bar Mitvah on Shabbat, that would be an indication that they are a LESS observant family!)Hm. I'm not sure where you got this from, from what I posted. I've photographed serveral Bar/Bat Mitzvah, but never on Shabbat. Every one I've photographed usually involves formal portraits on the Thursday before and then the party on Saturday night after sundown.

Karen

[Bloomwood]

My only piece of advice is to NOT give the Tiffany Star of David necklace. I was in Tiffany once and a girl was returning like 5 of them. ;)

[suzubeane]

Hm. I'm not sure where you got this from, from what I posted. I have no way of knowing if you've been asked to photograph a Bar Mitzvah on Shabbat! That's why I wrote "IF." As in "if a family has asked you to photograph a Bar Mitzvah on Shabbat..."

Where would I have gotten this from your post? Well, you mentioned that you had photographed "a fair share of mitzvot." I assumed you were not referring to the 613 Halachic Mitzvot that are outlined in the Torah, or general acts of good deeds (also referred to as "Mitzvot") but were talking about B'nai Mitzvah - the plural of Bar Mitzvah. The term "Bar Mitzvah" refers to the service (or to the child - see below.) The party is ... well... the party! Hence my assumption that you may have photographed a Bar Mitzvah.

This reminds me of something that could perhaps use more explaining in general: "Bar Mitzvah" translates as "Son of the Commandment." (or "Bat" for a girl means "daughter.") A child becomes a Bar or Bat Mitzvah simply by turning 13 years old (or in some communities, age 12 for a girl.) Today, the occasion is marked by honoring the Bar/Bat Mitzvah by calling him or her to the Torah for the first time. Many congregations will also allow (or expect) the Bar/Bat Mitzvah to take more of a leadership role during the rest of the service, but the service itself is the same one that is carried out every Saturday morning. There is nothing different about it simply because it is the occasion where someone is becoming a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. Just today I attended a Torah service - no Bar Mitzvah.

A Jewish child need do nothing at all to become a Bar/Bat Mitzvah except turn 13. My own father's Bar Mitzvah was nothing more than him being called to read from the Torah for the first time as an adult in his community. He just showed up for services as usual, and they called him up. This is still routine in some communities.

Now that some Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties have taken on such mammoth proportions, it seems that people consider THOSE to be "The Bar Mitzvah." They're not. There's nothing wrong with celebrating a lifecycle event, but the party is very separate from the Bar Mitzvah (and, by the way, some of the "party traditions" were actually invented by caterers, but that's another story!)

Oh, one more thing: If you are invited to a Bar Mitzvah, and cannot attend both the service and the party, go to the service. It is by far the more important event. My son's Bar Mitzvah was in June, and some people thought of it as akin to a graduation; they skipped the service and turned up at the party. It was a very casual party, but I was still a bit upset that they didn't understand the significance.

[KarenS]

I assumed you were not referring to the 613 Halakhic Mitzvot that are outlined in the Torah, or general acts of good deeds (also referred to as "Mitzvot") but were talking about B'nai Mitzvah - the plural of Bar Mitzvah. Thanks for the explanation. One thing that I've learned through working with many Jewish families and having many Jewish friends, is that just like various forms of Christianity, no two people refer to the same thing the same way. I've been told that "mitzvot" is a correct plural form, as is B'nai Mitzvah. I've been told multiple names for prayer shawls (tallis, tallit, etc). I've been told multipe names for skullcaps (yarmulke, kepi, etc.). As with Christianity, I'm sure that a lot of the differences are regional, cultural, etc., and may come from outside influences as well. I've been assured by many Jews, including a Rabbi that they are all equally correct depending on how you use them! :)

I certainly don't claim to be an expert in anything Jewish - heck I'm not even an expert in anything Christian and I've been one of those for 25+ years. :) I do try to speak correctly and be respectful when I'm speaking of someone else's culture and beliefs. I'll be sure to use B'nai Mitzvah when I'm talking to you! :)

Karen

[suzubeane]

I've been told that "mitzvot" is a correct plural form, as is B'nai Mitzvah. You may have also been told that "tablespoonfuls" and "mother-in-laws" were the correct pluralization of those words. This is the same thing. "B'nai" = "sons." "Mitzvot" = "commandments." It has a completely different meaning on it's own.

I've been told multiple names for prayer shawls (tallis, tallit, etc). FYI, same word; two pronunciations (Ashkenazic and Sephardic) Both are correct.

I've been told multipe names for skullcaps (yarmulke, kepi, etc.)yarmulke is Yiddish, Kepah is Hebrew. (I'm not aware of any "etc." ;).)

As with Christianity, I'm sure that a lot of the differences are regional, cultural, etc., and may come from outside influences as well. I've been assured by many Jews, including a Rabbi that they are all equally correct depending on how you use them!I agree about the regional differences; There are even regional differences about gifts, as was pointed out earlier. I know JEWS who use the term "Bar Mitzvah" as a verb (as in "I got Bar Mitzvah'd") but that doesn't mean we shouldn't use the right grammar, or that I won't misunderstand if you unwittingly pluralize incorrectly.

[prudies]

I know JEWS who use the term "Bar Mitzvah" as a verb (as in "I got Bar Mitzvah'd")

I think I used to say this as a joke, actually. :o

My favorite thing to do (for kids in my family or whom I know well) is to give three checks of different multiples of chai (18) accompanied by a clever note where I tell them to donate one, save one, and spend the last one. I think this reflects what the occasion is about: The hope that the child will go forward and perform acts of t'kun olam (healing of the world) and also gives a nod his or her becomming an adult. (The "spend now" check is the smallest, and just thrown in for fun.)

I love this gift idea.

[suzubeane]

I love this gift idea.Thanks, prudies! I actually write in the memo area of the check "For Donating," "For Saving," etc. Most kids will tell you in a Thank-you note what cause they contributed to.

I got this idea because of the movement in my synagogue (and many others) to bring Bar Mitzvah back to it's roots and teach kids about tikun olam. In an era when B'nai Mitzvah have become more like weddings (including the elaborate parties) and the regular Torah service is thought of as a "ceremony," I think it's important to recognize what becoming a Bar Mitzvah really means.

Femmie - Sorry, I didn't see your comments earlier. I'm glad my explanations have been helpful. If you have any questions, please ask; The relatively recent shift in focus to parties and trendy or pricey gifts for B'nai Mitzvah is actually a pet peeve of mine, so I am happy to clarify where I can.

[basketcase]

Oh good, suzubeane, I'm glad you're still checking this thread. I actually do have some questions, if you don't mind. I'm in love with your three checks idea -- what a meaningful gift! I was actually just telling my mom about it this morning, and she was so touched by the idea!

Anyhow, I could really use some help with the wording of the card. Like, do I need to explain that the amounts of the checks are multiples of chai, or is that already implicit? Can I include the concept of ti'kun olam in the note, or is this rather glib because I am not Jewish?

Any other guidence you can provide with the wording would be awesome. Thank you so much!

[sue-bert]

I got this idea because of the movement in my synagogue (and many others) to bring Bar Mitzvah back to it's roots and teach kids about tikun olam. In an era when B'nai Mitzvah have become more like weddings (including the elaborate parties) and the regular Torah service is thought of as a "ceremony," I think it's important to recognize what becoming a Bar Mitzvah really means.

ITA.

Speaking of which (my apologies for the temporary thread-jacking), there is a book that was reviewed in the Jerusalem Post and the NY Times recently called Bar Mitzvah Disco about all the lavish over-the-top b'nei mitzvah parties that were de rigeur during 70s-90s. I haven't seen the book itself, but the reviews looked fun.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/23/fashion/sundaystyles/23BAR.html

sue-bert
(wc "bride-bert")

[suzubeane]

sue-bert - thank you for posting that link. I want that book! I love the idea of "Bar Mitzvah [as] the prism on how we grew up and how we got to be this way."

Of course, the tendency to go overboard on B'nai Mitzvah didn't end in the nineties ... the book only goes that far. My son attended at least two dozen B'nai Mitzvah the year he turned 13, and some of the parties were more elaborate than my wedding. I remember when someone in my family asked me what the "theme" for my son's Bar Mitzvah would be, and all I could say was "um ... Bar Mitzvah?"

Femmie - I'm so pleased that people like the "three check" idea! I never heard of anyone doing it, and I'll be so honored if this idea takes off.

First of all, chai - as you may know - means "life." It is spelled with the two Hebrew letters Chet and Yod whose numerical values make it equal to 18. I would say that nearly every Jew in the U.S. is aware of this, so it does not need explaining in your note.

If anyone wrote me a note that referred to Tikun Olam, I would be touched - especially if that person was not Jewish because it would indicate he or she had done some research!

However, whether or not your Bat Mitzvah girl is familiar with this term is another story. I would say (and this is a gross generalization here) that if she is a Conservative, Recsonstructionist, or Modern Orthodox Jew, she will be, and if she is Reform, she might not be. (Sue-bert, Modern Otrhodox girls have B'nai Mitzvah, don't they?) You can go to her synagogue's website if it has one, and if you see that the congregation places a big emphasis on social action and volunteerism, she is probably familiar with that phrase.

If you want to be on the safe side, use the term Tzedakah - most easily translated as "Charity." There is no Jewish child in the U.S. who does not know this word, because they routinely bring coins to Hebrew School each week to be collected. It's part of everyone's Jewish education. You can read more about the place of Tzedakah in Jewish life here: Judaism 101 (http://www.jewfaq.org/tzedakah.htm)

For the card, I sometimes write it in the form of a math problem just to be cute: ((chai x 3) + (chai x 2) + chai) = one to donate, one to save, and one to spend. (Only I'll write chai out in Hebrew.) And then I elaborate a little.

I don't know why I do this - I guess just to be different, and because 13 year-olds are usually taking algebra!

I think whatever you say will be fine, as long as you mention something about her future as a member of her Jewish community. Too often, I hear people saying things to Bar/Bat Mitzvah boys and girls along the lines of "Good job" and behaving as though they just finished something. (Many of them are done with Hebrew School at that point.) But Bar Mitzvah is really the start of something (life as a Jewish adult) and not the end.

A note on spelling: You'll find a lot of different English spellings for the transliterations of Hebrew words. Just in this thread alone, I think I spelled Tikun Olam three different ways! Try not to get hung up on it in your card, and if you're going to google the terms, keep your eyes open for alternate spellings to google, too.

Hope this helped, and that others reading along here will post additions to my contributions.

[sue-bert]

Hi suzubeane: In the J. Post review it mentioned that the forward for the book was written by The Village People ( :eek: ), whose YMCA song was popular at bar/bat mitzvah parties during the period documented in the book.

Ain't that a hoot (for so many reasons)?

I have heard that "shopping" themes are very popular bat-mitzvah themes these days. One table has decorations/goody bags from Tiffany, one from Saks, another from Bloomies, etc. A lavish party to celebrate overspending and materialism. How's that for icky?

sue-bert

[suzubeane]

the forward for the book was written by The Village People ( :eek: ), whose YMCA song was popular at bar/bat Mitzvah parties during the period documented in the book. :o That was played at my son's Bar Mitzvah :o. (We had a really informal family party at the JCC; No "theme" but there was still music and dancing.)

I have heard that "shopping" themes are very popular bat-Mitzvah themes these days. One table has decorations/goody bags from Tiffany, one from Saks, another from Bloomies, etc. A lavish party to celebrate overspending and materialism. How's that for icky? Oh, yuck. Well, at least it's honest! A Bar Mitzvah in my family had a "Survivor Theme." I just rolled my eyes, but my brother wanted to leave because (according to him) "Survivor" is the antithesis of Jewish Values.

One recent development I really hate is the moving of the Saturday morning service to Saturday afternoon, so the party can start right away. Hey, why not get rid of the Shabbat Service altogether? It's just so inconvenient for party planning! :rolleyes:

[sue-bert]

How do they "move" the service? I mean, don't you have to finish Shacharit by a certain time? Or do they just have a Mincha service with a shorter Mincha Torah reading (sans Haftorah)?

[suzubeane]

I suppose it's Mincha with a Torah reading. I wasn't aware that Mincha traditionally included a Torah reading, so to me it seemed like the morning service elements were being moved to the afternoon in order to "stage" a Bar Mitzvah with a Torah portion, and several Alyot.

Maybe it's not as bad as I thought!

[sue-bert]

Hey PaisleySloan,

You gotta tell us about the bat-mitzvah when you get back! After this loong discussion, we are all curious: Was it lavish/modest/tacky/tasteful? Was there a theme? Did they play "YMCA"???

:D :D :D

sue-bert

ETA: I noticed that the OP was in AUGUST. So I guess it's long over... But the thread lives on!

[basketcase]

Suzubeane~ I realized I never came back to this thread to properly thank you for all your help, all the time you spent explaining to me Bat Mitzvah traditions and you own ideas about gift-giving. Tomorrow is the Bat Mitzvah and, armed with my three checks and a copy of Jews Who Rock, I'm happy to be totally and completely confident with my gift! (Whereas a few weeks ago, I was totally and completely clueless and insecure about proper Bat Mitzvah etiquette.)

THANK YOU. I'll be sure to come back and report if we encounter any "themes" or tacky disco songs. ;)