Wedding Stress.....again

[filmgirl7]

Those of you from the other site probably know that I (formerly Macgyvergirl) had a lot of trouble during wedding planning largely because my mother was so unreasonable so we called the wedding off. (It would have been July 16th.)
Now we have a new date and we purposely were keeping my parents out of the planning....but here's what happened.

Our mothers are obsessed with Barry Manilow, and went to Vegas this week for a Manilow thing. J's mom called him on Saturday and said "Tickets are going on sale for all the concerts for next year, but we don't want to get tickets for a date that you're considering getting married on....do you have any idea when that might be?" We looked at each other and didn't know what to say but figured it would be ok to tell her "early january."

An hour later my brother called me. He had just talked to my dad, who was like "Do you know anything about your sister getting married in January??! I don't know WHY she would want to get married in January since nobody would be able to come...unless that's what she wants...." But it was clear from what my brother said that it was a very accusatory kind of tone.

Now i'm just like "OH GOD, not again!!" I"m not going to bring it up with my parents but I know my parents are going to be mad that something was said to J's parents and not to them. I can understand that but I"m just so tired of the whole thing....I don't care anymore. :mad: I just want to get married, and J is upset that there's such stress involved in getting married. He envisioned a traditional wedding and certainly wasn't bargaining for all the tension that our attempts at marriage have caused. J also wants me to sit down with my mother and make her answer for all her bad behavior during the previous planning....yet he doesn't know what it's like to be screamed at and shut out by her.

If I tell my mom/dad that we're thinking of January but I don't really want to discuss anything at this point, is that reasonable? If they start yelling at me or making demands, am I justified in saying "I don't want to talk about this with you right now" and hanging up the phone if they persist/yell/etc?? I need to set some boundaries but I don't want my parents to think I don't care at all about them in my life. :(

[PG-rated]

Ugh, what a mess. I'm sorry your parents continue to be unreasonable. I think it might be time to give them the wedding date and time. You can maybe say something about how you didn't want to talk about it until you had the date locked in. Then, if they make any comments, say, "Thanks for your concern, but we've got it all under control." Repeat as often as necessary, and hang up if they start yelling. Don't let yourself get drawn into their drama - they can only make this a nightmare for you if you let them.

As far as having it out with your mom, wait until the wedding's over and your head has cleared a little, and then decide what you want to do. A confrontation could mean that she will sever ties with you. Maybe you'll decide that's best for your mental and emotional health in the long run, but several months before your wedding is no time to be making those decisions. Tell J that he needs to respect your decision on how to deal with your mom, and that you'll revisit the relationship after the wedding.

Good luck with all of this. You deserve a wonderful and stress-free wedding, and I really hope you get it.

[bunny nose]

You really need to lay down the law and let everyone know that this is your wedding and thats it. I really wish I had done that, but I didn't have the kahunas to do it, so in the end I did not have the wedding of my dreams and after three years I am still bitter about it.

I am sorry you are going through this, it really sucks. But you have to keep in your mind that everyone goes through a lot of stress at this time. If you keep letting it get to you, you will never get married. Whoever said that being engaged is the happiest time of your life must have never of gotten married. The second you announce your engagement all hell breaks loose. Do this, do that, you're not seriously thinking of doing that are you?, you're the bride you decide- then when you do decide you get a lecture how your way and what you want is all wrong. It is just so annoying.

Keep your head up and try to be strong. I don't know your whole story from WC, but I really feel for you that things got so bad you had to cancel the wedding. Just remember, we are all here for you when you need a shoulder!

Oh- and smile when you you tell someone enough is enough- it'll make you feel better. ;)

Good luck!
Karen

[tlew12778]

When are you planning on telling people? If your wedding is 5 months away, you should probably give them a heads up. Especially since it's a destination wedding if I remember correctly. Just tell them everything has been booked and while you would enjoy and appreciate their presence, you also understand if they are unable to attend.

[filmgirl7]

When are you planning on telling people? If your wedding is 5 months away, you should probably give them a heads up. Especially since it's a destination wedding if I remember correctly.

It is a destination wedding, but one reason we haven't told anyone yet is because almost no one is invited, and we don't want word to get around that there's going to be a wedding. There were going to be about 250 people invited to the wedding we cancelled. Only 25 are going to be invited to the actual wedding. Plus, five months is a long time for my mother to fight with me (or not speak to me?) about this wedding being planned without their input/help/knowledge. Our siblings and closest friends are saving the date, but beyond that, we really don't want to talk about it yet.

[Asha]

i had a lot of similar problems. make sure to stick to your wishes. i was going to suggest a "surprise" wedding, but then i saw it was a destination wedding so that's not possible.

[filmgirl7]

So my dad called this morning and he didn't mention the January thing or the wedding plans at all. We'll be seeing them this weekend and I'm sure one of them will bring it up then. I'm prepared to downplay the whole thing, and I hope that works out....

It's about five months until our planned date. We plan to wait about another month before breaking the news. I'm sure they won't have anything going on that weekend anyway.

Has anyone else dealt with difficult parents with wedding planning? Any advice would be most welcome.

[filmgirl7]

oy....we are definitely telling my parents (and his) about our wedding plans next week. Originally we had planned to get them all together for a dinner for my birthday, but since they can't all be in the same place at the same time, we'll tell his parents on sunday and my parents on monday.

I've been working with the therapist to get ready to "take the heat" and deal with whatever my mother dishes out. She might scream or yell....then again she might feign happiness. Not sure what she will do, but we'll see.

[GeekGirl]

Well, quite frankly, whatever she does is her business. You're getting married the way you want to be married and that's that - she really has no say in it whatsoever!