Late Term Loss, Stillbirth, Infant Loss and Toddler Loss Support Group

[jennylou]

This thread is for those moms who have lost a child - through late term loss, stillbirth or infant loss. We have members who have had their rainbow babies, pregnant members, members ttc and those that are not ttc. Each of us bring a unique perspective on loss and all are welcome. If you have lost a baby, please feel free to jump in and introduce yourself. Our group has become a bit like a family, we laugh with each other and we cry with each other - and although we hate that it happens to anyone else, we welcome you with open arms.

Our Members:

ali_ohli
Me: Ali, 30
DH: Chris, 33
Angel daughter lost at 22 weeks to incompetent cervix in Dec. '06
Rainbow son Henry born Sept. '07

amygrrl
me: 36
DH: 34
Married: 2/15/03
TTC: 02/05/03
Angel Baby: Avery born still on 6/3/05 at 28 wks
Rainbow Baby: Malin our little miracle born on 4/3/06
Cause of loss: unknown. hospital misplaced the autopsy paperwork so no investigation into the cause of death was ever done.
Other issues: PCOS, IVF alumni, 3 embries on ice

Me: Amy 29
DH: Josh 32
Married: 6/15/03
TTC: 8/2003
Angel: Twin boy, Caleb Reed 6/13/08 at 19 weeks, 1 day
Cause of loss: PPROM, genetic results pending
Other children:Twin girl, still fighting strong, due 11/07/2008

Astro
Me: 39
DH: 37
Married: 9/03
Children: Alex and Ryan 9/05/05 stillborn at 16 weeks 1 day
Cause of loss: One of the placenta's separated from the uterine lining. Probably related to hematoma and bleeding in the first trimester.
Miscarriage: 5/06

clzj
Me: Lynn 32
DH: Charles 32
Married: 6/8/02
DS: Isaiah 4/24/03
Angel baby: 10/26/05
Cause: pinched cord
Rainbow CC on 5/8/07

Ericka_Jarett
Ericka, 33
DH: Jarett, 30
Married: December 14, 2001
Angel: Rebekah Joy, born April 18, 2005 at 24 weeks, with us 71 mins.
Cause of Loss: chorioamnionitis (placenta infection), possible cervical incompetence as well
Pregnant Again: January 30, 2006
Rainbow Baby: Easton Robert born 9/5/06
Twin Girls: Julianna Grace and Katelyn Elizabeth born 10/23/07


goldengbridge
Jen, 25
DH:Miguel, 28
Married 9/6/03
TTC: 8/03
Children: Andrew, 22 months and the light of my life!
Angel Jacob, born sleeping on 4/3/06, (18w 4 d) Cause of death was unknown but his cord was wrapped around his body tightly 3 times. We know for sure he was healthy because I was high risk with Jacob's pg because of Andrew's heart defect. I had just had an u/s 2 weeks before Jacob passed away which showed he was healthy.
It's a Girl! EDD 3/12/07

GlamaGal
me: 31
DH: 43
Married: 10/11/03
TTC: June '07
Children: Alexa 11/27/05 (thank you, God!)
Angel Baby: Girl 19w
m/c: 6/4/07 at 5 or 6 wk.
Cause of loss: baby has complete anencephaly. Not compatible with life.
Other issues: took us 11 mos. to conceive DD. Took us 8 mos. to conceive m/c child. I believe I ovulate sporadically.

Jeggink
me: 33
DH: 33
Married: 9.28.02
DS: 9.23.04
Angel Baby: Kayla Anne born on 11/27/06 at 19w3d.
Cause of loss: Unbalanced Translocation of Chromosomes, genetic, but not from us, just a fluke.
Other issues: 2 m/c in Jan 06 and April 06, unknown reasons

jenahdawn
DH: 27
Married: 7/26/02
Angels: Catherine (Katie) Rose and Chloe Dawn, b/d 9/27/06
Rainbow Baby:Lillian Grace - 11/18/07 9:42pm, 6lbs 14oz, 18" (37w1d)

jennylou
Me: 27
DH: 36
Married: 9/20/03
Angel: Andrew Wyatt 5/20/05-5/22/05
Cause of loss: SIDS
Other children: Our vbac and Rainbow baby, Nora 8/10/06

jessie
Me: 26
DH: 31
Married: 5/13/02
Children: Bailey- 11/22/99, Rainbow Baby Chelsea - 05/05/05
Angel: Joshua - Born still at 38w on 3/28/04
Cause of loss: Massive fetal/maternal hemorrhage

Kimmiebride
me: 41
DH: 41
Married: 07/01
TTC: 08/02
Angel: Robert stillborn at 18w5d
Cause of loss: membranes not fused on right side that caused complications from amnio, and premature rupture of membranes
Other issues: Factor V Leiden and MTHFR clotting disorders discovered after the birth, which lead to 2 pulmonary embollisms
Rainbow Baby Josh 3/3/07 4lbs, 12oz born at 36 weeks after a month on hospital bedrest for pre-eclampsia - Thank you God!

LDS Angel 19
Me: Michelle, 24
DH: Aaron: 25
Married: September 4th, 2004
Angel: Allison Grace, June 17th, 2005 22wks, 6dys.
Cause of Loss: PTL/IC
TTC: September 2005
Miscarriage June 06
Rainbow babies Megan and Natalie, 6/18/07, born at 34 weeks after a cerclage and 8 weeks hospital bedrest.

Lisa
Me: 26
DH: 25
Married:6.28.02
Angel: Lauryn Grace 2.28.05-7.2.06
Cause of loss: RSV-but she has an underlining Possible genetic disorder/birth trama
Other children: DS:light of my life- Ethan 6.17.03 and how knows God willing another one soon!
Pregnant! Baby July 12 2007

Myangelsvw
Me: 34
DH: 34
Married: 9/1/02
Angels: Vincent and William, b/d 2/6/06
Cause of loss: Prematurity (preterm labor caused by infection)

Pocahontas
ME: 37
DH: 34
TTC: 2/06
BFP: 6/14/07
DS: Born and died 11/7/07 at 24w 4d after living 27 minutes.
Cause of Loss: premature rupture of amniotic sac

sophiapb
Me: Sophia, 39
DH: John, 32
Married: 5/18/02
Children: Alexa 5/26/05
Rainbow Babies Elizabeth "Elise" Zoe....12/4/06 5 lbs, 15ozs and measuring 18 1/2 inches, born @ 10:49 am
AND Corinne Victoria...12/4/06 6 lbs, 6ozs and measuring 19 inches, born @ 10:51 am
Angel: Alexander 5/26/05-stillborn at 36 weeks 6 days
Cause of loss-Stated as unknown although Alexander had an umbilical artery close around 27 weeks resulting in slowed down growth

Spellbound
Me: Jude, 32
DH: Patrick, 33
Married: 09/25/04
DS: Keegan 03/09/06 (born 32 weeks)
Angel baby: 09/14/06 (16 weeks)
Cause: PPROM (pre-term premature of membranes)

Sully130
me: 32
DH: 34
Married: 06/02
TTC: 07/04
Angel Baby: DD, Hannah, born still on 4.22.05 at 23 weeks
Cause of loss: fatal condition caused by spontaneous genetic mutation
Rainbow baby/babies: My miracle son, born 4.20.06 after 20 weeks of bedrest following my water breaking (PPROM, which was spontaneous) at 16 weeks; also had an early m/c in 7/04; pregnant again and due in May '08

[jennylou]

Heaven's Child: Recovering From the Loss of an Infant (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0595281834/qid=1152372230/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-9700458-3510440?s=books&v=glance&n=283155)

Gone Too Soon: The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1555036554/qid=1152372230/sr=2-2/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_2/002-9700458-3510440?v=glance&s=books)

Trying Again: A Guide to pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0878331824/qid=1152372230/sr=2-3/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_3/002-9700458-3510440?v=glance&s=books)

Coping With Infant or Fetal Loss: The Couples Healing Process (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0876306946/qid=1152372230/sr=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/002-9700458-3510440?v=glance&s=books)

Hope is Like the Sun: Finding Hope and Healing After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Death (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0974869961/qid=1152372512/sr=1-24/ref=sr_1_24/002-9700458-3510440?v=glance&s=books)

Empty Crade, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1555913024/ref=pd_sim_b_2/002-9700458-3510440?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155)

We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We had an Angel Instead (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0972424113/ref=pd_sim_b_2/002-9700458-3510440?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155)

Mommy, Please Don't Cry : There Are No Tears in Heaven (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/159052151X/ref=pd_sim_b_3/002-9700458-3510440?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155)

I'll Hold You in Heaven (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0830732594/ref=pd_sim_b_5/002-9700458-3510440?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155)

[jennylou]

SHARE (http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/)

March of Dimes (www.marchofdimes.com)

The Compassionate Friends (http://www.compassionatefriends.org)

A Place To Remember (http://www.aplacetoremember.com/)

Parents of Multiples Forever (http://www.erichad.com/pom/index.htm)

M.E.N.D. (http://www.mend.org)

When Your Baby is Stillborn (http://www.wisc.edu/wissp/when.htm)

CLIMB (http://climb.org/)

[jennylou]

Baby Photo Retouching (http://www.babyphotoretouch.com/)

The American Child Photographers Charity Guild (http://www.acpcg.com/mission.htm)

[jennylou]

Our first thread (http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=5792)

We're open for posting now. :)

If you have anything you'd like me to add - books, websites, etc, please share.

[jennylou]

new thread!

[GlamaGal]

Since the new thread is closed still, I'll update here. I made it through the D&E fine. I'll have to post that experience later. Right now I want to take advantage of the drugs still in my system so I can sleep. Thanks to all of you who thought and prayed for me. It meant a lot. I'm facing just the loss now, and it's hitting me hard. Especially when I saw her little footprints that they made for us. Heartbreaking. I realized DH is really upset as well. He couldn't hardly bear to see them. I think maybe the difference between us is I had her inside me so she was more "real". But he also has the very same emotions I do. I can't forget that. I'll be back to heal on that later. My BFF is spending the entire day with me tomorrow and I need that.

[Sully130]

Glamagal - I've thought of you so many times today. I'm glad it's over so you can move on, but I know how hard it must have been. I do hope you can sleep well tonight thanks to the drugs.

The footprints do make it all so real. Sometimes I feel like everything with my daughter was a horrible nightmare, then I see those footprints and I remember how very real she was. My husband was the same way. It didn't hit him until she was born and in our case, he saw her. I've never seen him cry before then (he said he hadn't cried since he was a child).

I pray that you will find peace and whatever understanding helps you get through the days. Take care.

[jenahdawn]

Glama,

I hope you are doing....okay, at least physically, right now.

[GlamaGal]

DH had a bad night last night. He mostly slept on the sofa in our sitting room. He kept waking with anxiety. I'm not sure how to help him. I have cried in front of him but I hold back a lot of it so he's not so stressed out. How did you guys handle all of this? He says it's the stress and anxiety of the past 2 weeks (FIL was really sick and isn't totally out of the woods yet but is home).

Last night I realized I feel like a mouse in a maze, searching for the prize that will release me, but there's no prize. There's nothing to make me feel better. I'm ticked, but there's no one to be ticked at.

Today my glands are still swollen (I'm sure aggravated by the gen. anesthesia tubing) and my neck is so stiff. I'm wearing a tight bra so hopefully my milk doesn't come in (something I'm strongly emotional about & had really looked forward to). I can't stop thinking about how we can't TTC until March-ish. And how even if I was pg I'd be so early, and everyone around me who is pg now will be huge and almost ready to have a baby. Mostly I think "how will I possibly get through all of this time, until it's our turn again?".

[pocahontas]

Glama...I understand about the milk thing all too well now. Being that this was my first child I underestimated the nurses and social worker at the hospital who told me that my milk would come in and how to deal with it (i.e. the whole frozen cabbage leaves or ice packs thing). I didn't believe them. I thought...I have no baby. So I'll be one of those who doesn't get milk. HA! :( I was mistaken. I wish I had done like you with the tight bra early on. I didn't do it until day 3 or 4 when my breasts started to ache and I knew something was happening. And I am also right there with you about not being able to TTC until spring (although it may be more like April for us) because I have to have surgery to remove this lovely boulder (i.e. fibroid) that probably contributed to my premature labor. :mad:

I don't have any brilliant advice unfortunately but I so wish I did...for you and for all of us to whom this is "new" and we feel clueless. But the ladies here who went through this and have dealt with it for longer than we have are so knowledgeable and even though they still have tough days seem to have a lot more skill at getting through it than we do right now. So lean on them for advice. {{{HUGS}}} to you. We will all get through this somehow.

[Astro]

Glamagal Going through this really stinks (I actually have other words for what we've all been through, just don't want to use them in public). Everything you're feeling is NORMAL for what you've been through. It seems like eternity until March. My DH and I took it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Looking ahead to when we may be able to try again just seemed like such a long time off, it was depressing/annoying/frustrating/etc.

You and your DH have been through a horrible loss. You're both grieving individually for the loss and as a couple. My DH and I found it best to not hold back in front of the other. Sometimes I'd just walk up to him and say I need a hug, then start crying. He and I talked a lot. We had the understanding that he couldn't make it better for me and I couldn't make it better for him. All we could do was be there for hugs and listening. We decided we were on a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes we were on the same rollercoaster, sometimes different ones, but we were always there for each other to listen and hug. I still don't know how we got through it, and there are still days (2 years later), when I just walk up and say I need a hug and start crying. He realizes this is just part of our grief and who we are. He knows I don't expect him to make the pain go away, because he can't.

It does get better, the pain takes less of your time and energy. The Dr who delivered our sons told us something that makes sense to us. He said we had just experienced a major injury (think major surgery). The wound right now is gaping, fresh, and incredibly painful. Overtime, the wound will begin to heal and scab. Sometimes the scab will breakoff and the wound will bleed and hurt again. Eventually over time it will become a scar. The wound will never be gone, but the rawness will go away. The three of you (you, your DH, and the two of you as a couple) have all experienced this major injury. It is up to the two of you to sit down and figure out how you will make it through and what each of you needs for the couple to continue.

Not sure if that makes sense, but I hope it does. Basically the emotions you have and will have are completely normal for what you've been through. The way you deal with the ride you're on will be what is different. Each of us has gone through the pain, and each of us has found what works for us individually. For my DH and I; talking, hugs, and being there to listen to each other is what helped us get through it. For other people, not talking about it is what got them through it. My suggestion is to talk to your DH and see what the two of you need from each other. Now is not the time to hold back.

[GlamaGal]

Thanks, Astro. I have a tendency to want to shelter people from my emotions. Not sure why. I think that is why DH was in the other room because he didn't want to wake or upset me. It sure is like an open wound. I don't want to be left alone. My BFF left and then I cried for the first time today (not the last).

[SailorJenny]

I am sorry for your loss Glama. Crying is good. I remember just holding a pillow over my c-section incision and sobbing until I just had no energy left. I'd wake up crying, I'd go to sleep crying. It does get easier, and it does feel less raw over time. Everyone here makes so much sense...

A girl I know from another message board was being induced today at 38w1d and her daughter has serious complications. The doctors have cautioned her that the baby might be stillborn or die shortly after birth. Please keep her and her husband in your prayers.

[GlamaGal]

SailorJenny, Please let us know what happens. That is so horrible. I hope a miracle happens and she won't need this thread. I'll pray for them.

It sucks to find a funeral home to cremate your child. I'm just trying to get all of this done while I'm still raw so I can sort of move beyond what just happened. DH was going to do this part but he went to the dr. today and what happened last night was a panic attack. I'm just emailing funeral homes so I don't have to talk on the phone. I want to do this for DH b/c he's so busy running his business and getting things done before we go on a long vacation and he was scared to pieces with his dad's illness. Tonight we just laid in bed, watched Tivo'd shows, and just held each other. It was nice.

Thanks for letting me just vent it out.

[jenahdawn]

G, that's what we are here for.

The milk thing was so hard. Just an extra slap in the face.

How will you get through another pregnancy? One day at a time. How will you get through the next few months? Again, one day at a time.

I needed people to give me goals each day. One day it was a friend of our's (lost her son at 19~4 15 years ago) calling me and telling me I needed to brush my teeth and put on deoderant. The next, one friend called me and said she wanted me to put my hair up in a ponytail. I know, it sounds like such simple steps, but I needed people to treat me like a child for a few days.

What's so hard to believe is, one day, it's SOOOOO easy to get out of bed. The next, you can't even figure out how to do it, physically, emotionally, and someone needs to TELL you how.

You have your other DD to help you structure your days as well. If it helps, maybe focus on her? If you can't, maybe ask someone to come take care of her because it's hard enough to take care of yourself.

I've been thinking of you. I need to email you back!!!

[Kimmiebride]

Hi guys,
checking in for the new thread...

Glama, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I agree with the advice of not "protecting" anyone from your feelings. You have every right to let it out and cry all you need to. It's so hard when DH is taking it so hard as well. Smart to do only what you can do... nothing sucks more than trying to find someone to cremate your child.
My prayers are with you,
Kimmie

[Kimmiebride]

update on me...

Started the antidepressants. Getting more sleep is the first step. It's kind of hard most of the time. Hoping the meds will kick in, and I'll find some peace.

my stats are not quite right...
Kimmiebride
me: 41
DH: 41
Married: 07/01
TTC: 08/02
Angel: Robert stillborn at 18w5d
Cause of loss: membranes not fused on right side that caused complications from amnio, and premature rupture of membranes
Other issues: Factor V Leiden and MTHFR clotting disorders discovered after the birth, which lead to 2 pulmonary embollisms
Rainbow Baby Josh 3/3/07 4lbs, 12oz born at 36 weeks after a month on hospital bedrest for pre-eclampsia - Thank you God!

[jenahdawn]

Kim, I was on BR in the hospital for pre-e with L for 6 days (only! But I was in for 4 days earlier for preterm as well). I don't know why I didn't remember that THAT was why you were in there! Of course, I didn't have computer access so I could have asked you questions!

[Sully130]

Jenny - That is just awful. I hope for a miracle for them.

Glamagal - I hope you can find someone easily. We "lucked out" (if that's possible when you are talking of making such arrangements for your child) and had a family friend who runs a funeral home (who contacted someone else who had a crematorium) and they did it all free of charge for me...handled everything.

It's great to hear that you and your husband are finding strength and love in each other.

Threadmistress/Jenny - My stats (the part about my kids) are a little transposed, plus our ages have changed. Here is what they should be:
Sully130
me: 32
DH: 34
Married: 06/02
TTC: 07/04
Angel Baby: DD, Hannah, born still on 4.22.05 at 23 weeks
Cause of loss: fatal condition caused by spontaneous genetic mutation
Rainbow baby/babies: My miracle son, born 4.20.06 after 20 weeks of bedrest following my water breaking (PPROM, which was spontaneous) at 16 weeks; also had an early m/c in 7/04; pregnant again and due in May '08

[pocahontas]

GLAMA...have you talked with your hospital? Do you know if they work with a particular funeral home for deaths that happen on their premises?? I just ask because a social worker was sent to talk with us after DS passed and she gave us 3 options of what we could do with his remains and one of the options included that the hospital would send him to be cremated free of charge with a funeral home they work with. So we were blessed in not having to deal with all of the logistics when we probably were too numb to, but I thought most major hospitals did something similar. Not sure if you asked at your hospital or not.

[GlamaGal]

Thanks for the advice. I found one of the larger funeral homes here and they are doing it for very reasonable. You'd think the hospital could arrange for that but they didn't. I was given a number to call when I had a funeral home selected.

Last night I was reading medical literature about neural tube defects (NTD). I read that there was a higher risk for those who had a previous early miscarriage (like I did) to have a subsequent NTD baby. It really ticked me off that when I had the m/c in June my OB didn't prescribe a higher folic acid just to be safe (why not?). I know, they don't know, but I bet everyone else who has had something like this looks back and sees where something could have been done different. Then I think, if folic acid 4mg/day is so great at prevention for NTD, why isn't it the standard? I know, I'm not a physician.

We also found that women with NTD-affected pregnancies were significantly more likely than controls to have suffered a miscarriage in the preceding pregnancy.
American Journal of Epidemiology Vol. 152, No. 9 : 823-828
Copyright © 2000 by The Johns Hopkins University School of Hygiene and Public Health

Sully- I noticed that you and some others had their rainbow babies almost a year to the date of their angel babies. If you would, please share how you got through that time when you weren't pregnant, and then when you got that BFP for your rainbow baby- how did you feel and what comforted you (I'll be scared & happy with a BFP)??. I'm having a hard time seeing how I'm going to get through 3 mos. of the high folic acid until we can TTC again. (You all know that it goes without saying that I'm not trying to replace her). Then waiting for several u/s's to confirm all is well. I may have sort of asked this before...sorry if so. I'm just so excited when I see others were able to conceive again in a relatively short amount of time!

Jenah- you are completely right about doing the daily routine. It's hard. I delay my shower until forever just wanting to sit here. We don't get out of bed for a long time either. DD waits with me, drinks her milky, and we watch some cartoons, the Today Show, and/or read books and stack blocks. It's comforting to know I'm "normal" for what's going on.

You guys are priceless. For real.

[jenahdawn]

GG, another thing: We were told to wait 6 months for my body to heal, and the doc didn't think I'd be mentally ready to have a baby right around our loss date. Just a thought. So, don't feel down about yourself if three months come by and you don't feel ready yet. (And we all know you aren't doing it to replace her, one baby never replaces another)~~~Did you name her?

The day-to-day "normal" stuff sucks. Like I mentioned in the last thread, whenever I learn of someone's loss, I want to shout from a rooftop, "WHY IS THE WORLD JUST GOING ON?!?!?! A child has died. His or her parents are in pain and cannot move forward!"

[Sully130]

Glamagal - To answer your question, I had to go back and read my journal (LJ) to remember what I was feeling. Without looking at it, that time is such a blur. I wrote this about a month before we "tried":
I'm scared that I won't get pregnant, but I'm terrified that I might.
And then this:
But the bottom line is I'm scared to death of getting a BFP. Don't get me wrong, I want one more than anything...I want to be pregnant more than anything, and I'd do anything for a healthy child (anything reasonable, that is). But the "what ifs" are overwhelming. What if I have another miscarriage? Or worse, what if I make it into the second trimester again and have to relive the same horrid nightmare? What if I can't get pregnant for months at all? Or years?

And this next quote is really long, and please forgive me if it's too much, but I think it shows a lot about the evolution of how I felt. I can tell you it took me months of lots of deep thought to arrive at this point, but I think I did pretty well at following through with my plans. I wrote this a few days before I conceived my son.
With my last pregnancy, I was so guarded for the first trimester. But when I lost Hannah, did that help me at all? No. If anything, it made me feel guilty that in the short time I was able to carry her, I neglected to give her the full excitement and love she deserved. With both pregnancies, when we got the BFP it was not a happy moment. With the first, it was unplanned and though I was thrilled, I knew DH wasn't ready. So I was terrified when the two lines popped up. And with the last one, I had been spotting for several days and I just knew I would miscarry again, so DH and I were quite ambivalent about it all.

And the truth is, it didn't save me from one ounce of sadness or grief. If anything, it added to it. So the next time I get a BFP, I'm jumping for joy. And if I don't, please remind me I should. I owe it to my child. I owe it to myself. The thing about pregnancy is that in the beginning, we are all the same. It all starts with a positive test. Who knows what will happen in that next moment, but for that moment, you are pregnant. And you should celebrate it. I should celebrate it. There aren't many moments like that in our lives. We should cherish them.

Later on, my pregnancy distinguished itself from that of the "normal" people. But not at that moment. So until the time comes when someone or something tells me I am different, I'm going to be blissfully happy and unaware. I want to be and I hope and pray I can be. We can erect all of the shields of protection and self-defense that we want...but when the time comes, there is nothing that can guard us from pain and grief. So why bother? I guess that's why there is the saying "live for the moment." Please make sure I do.


During the time I wasn't pregnant, I thought about what had happened and I can't say I tried to make "sense" of it all (I came to the conclusion that not everything happens for a reason), but I had to come to an understanding that allowed me some peace with everything. But ultimately I longed to be pregnant again, and my main reason was because I felt so incredibly out of control of my life and I needed to be in control of something. To me, getting pregnant was at least somewhat in my control (in the sense that I decided when I would try). And beyond that, I didn't want the loss of my daughter to define me. It will always be part of who I am, and I'm grateful for that, but I don't want it to be who I am.

It was very scary making the decision to try and then when I got the BFP, I had to keep reminding myself to be happy and believe that everything was going to be okay. Ultimately, I just had to take it one day at a time. That's all you can do. Cross each bridge as you arrive at it...try not to worry too much about tomorrow.

Please excuse the book.

[jennylou]

Updated to here.

funeral homes - we had to make our own arrangements. DHs Aunt called (she lost a teenage son) and set the appointment for us. I don't know about any of you, but calling and telling people what happened was horrible for us. So, then we went in and picked a casket. We had just gotten our tax return back the month or so prior - guess what it went towards. Funeral costs. Not the kitchen cabinets and fun baby stuff I'd planned for, that's for sure. :( We used a family plot, so we didn't have to pay for the plot too.

milk - that was one of the worst things for me. I wanted to BF so badly, and then to be dripping with milk for seven weeks was awful. It would not go away. I tried cabbage, cold meds, etc - nothing worked, except the clomid. I never knew that it had that side effect, but it's right there on the labeling.

[jenahdawn]

Wow. I guess I took for granted how great our hospital was. They are in contact with one of the funeral homes in town who will do the cremation for free, you only have to pay $50 for paperwork/admin fees. They will spread the ashes for free (which is what we did, but I think I regret now) or they will give discounts on urns. Otherwise, you have to buy a plot. One of the monument places in town will donate stones for infant loss. Once we said yes, they took care of everything.

But I remember BAWLING the day we got the bill in the mail and it said "For the Cremation of Daughters Catherine Rose Lastname and Chloe Dawn Lastname"

STILL makes me tear up.

[jeggink]

Glamagal Lots of HUGS right now, I am thinking of you!

We had to pick our own funeral home as well. We were told of one nearby that had done this for them before, but we had to make the arrangements. It was so hard sitting in the funeral home making all the arrangements and saying what we wanted and didn't, I was crying so hard while there. I think it cost $50 for us as well, just to cover fees and such for paperwork.

pocahontas I think this was you asking in another thread about having the loss and the 2nd baby around the same time. If it isn't I'm sorry. I can tell you it is hard. I was praying that Alex wasn't born on Kayla's birth date and thank god he wasn't, I am not sure what I would have done. I had actually wanted to wait longer than the 3 months we did but it just kinda happened as we weren't being careful enough. All I can say is make sure you give yourself enough time to grieve. For me I would have preferred to wait a bit longer. With all the complications I had during this last pg, my body probably needed a bit longer as well to heal from all the complications I had with the Kayla and the miscarriages. You will know when the time is right and each person is different.

Milk Mine also came in but the engorgement only lasted about a week. I found that nothing really helped with me so I just wore a sports bra and just let it happen and go away. For me hot showers were fantastic.

[GlamaGal]

Sully and jeggink, thanks for the info re: having your babies near the 1 yr. anniversary of your loss. I'm not sure how I'll feel in three months, but I have to be on 4 mg of folic acid for three months before we TTC, so it's a built-in waiting period. I feel hope when I see other's losses are near in time to bearing a healthy child.

I picked up my 4mg folic acid Rx today. I feel a little more guided now.

I have a horrible sore throat. It started before surgery and the gen. anesthesia exacerbated it and I feel my ears starting to ache. This doesn't suck in and of itself. What sucks is every time I cry about my daughter (the hard, deep, catch your breath cry), it hurts so bad in my throat. I wish I had more Tylenol with codeine.

So I completed the paperwork today at the funeral home and picked out an urn. I held myself together pretty darn well there. Then DH came home for just a bit and mentioned that our friend's expecting twins were at their peri's for the every 2 wk. u/s and they mentioned what happened to us. The peri stated, "that should have been caught at a 10 wk. u/s". Well, they're high-risk so they get lots of u/s. At my OB, we get one to confirm pg (~6wk.) and one at the 18 - 20 wk. mark. I called their peri's office to see if I could get in as a patient. He only accepts high-risk patients, which the receptionist defined as diabetic, hypertension, high blood pressure, >35, etc. I should have asked, "well what about a person with a NTD baby?" But I didn't (I'm tired of talking about it). When DH stopped back home he said for me to call back and ask. I said, "you know, I'm tired of doing all of this myself." Then he said he'd call and he left and I cried (more throat pain). Sometimes I wish he was as upset as me about this. I guess he is in his own way.

Jenah, today when she asked if I had a name for the baby (even tho they don't file death cert's for babies <20 wk. gestation) I felt like I should have named her. But we weren't planning on finding out the sex at all. So we had no names because we have way different opinions on names. I guess what I'm saying is, since we didn't have any names, I didn't just want to pick a name that I hadn't had my heart set on.

What do I need to do to see an RE? OR Do you have suggestions on who I should see: peri v. RE, etc.? I feel dumb when I call an office and I don't know how I would need to qualify to see someone. I go to my OB where I've been for 14 years. I didn't even know what peri's were until last week.

Tomorrow he booked a sitter so we can attend a party. I want to go, but I don't want to go. They know what happened but that doesn't mean all of their friends will. I have anxiety. I haven't even had a drink since early August. I think when I have a drink I'll have to admit to myself that it's over. I'm not pregnant. She's gone (throat pain again). I'm tired of crying.

[jenahdawn]

GG, you can name her whatever you want whenever you want. And don't feel bad about it.

(Gotta run, someone's basinett MUST be eating her alive!)

[pocahontas]

Sully- I noticed that you and some others had their rainbow babies almost a year to the date of their angel babies. Yeah, I had noticed that too. I thought...wow, that's pretty magical. Almost like your angel baby had something to do with giving you another healthy baby so close to his/her birthday. I realize for many folx it wasn't planned that way...but I guess that just adds to the eerieness of how it happened.

Wow. I guess I took for granted how great our hospital was. They are in contact with one of the funeral homes in town who will do the cremation for free, you only have to pay $50 for paperwork/admin fees. They will spread the ashes for free (which is what we did, but I think I regret now) or they will give discounts on urns.
JENAH...I completely agree with the regret. I, too, told them initially to just scatter the ashes (they said they'd be scattered in some garden) because I was to numb to think of what to do otherwise and I know DH said he couldn't deal with seeing an urn every day in the house. But I guess they have a lot of people who change their minds once they regain some composure. So they told me that the funeral home would hold the ashes for 30 days after cremation before they scattered them. When I got home and thought better of it I had DH call them and tell them we'd come pick them up ASAP because once I had my senses back again I realized the thought of my little boy out in some garden far from me made me sad all over again. That was why we decided to do what Judy did with scattering at DH's dad/grandad's plot, but now DH is thinking of putting them in the soil of a plant pot where we are planning to plant a Red Maple that our Regional Vice President and his wife gave us the seeds for when we lost DS. It was a nice gift pack designed by people who lost 2 children and it came with the maple seeds, a memory book for DS, and some other things.



pocahontas I think this was you asking in another thread about having the loss and the 2nd baby around the same time. If it isn't I'm sorry. I can tell you it is hard. I was praying that Alex wasn't born on Kayla's birth date and thank god he wasn't, I am not sure what I would have done. I had actually wanted to wait longer than the 3 months we did but it just kinda happened as we weren't being careful enough. All I can say is make sure you give yourself enough time to grieve. For me I would have preferred to wait a bit longer. With all the complications I had during this last pg, my body probably needed a bit longer as well to heal from all the complications I had with the Kayla and the miscarriages. You will know when the time is right and each person is different.

For me hot showers were fantastic.Funny how everyone is different because hot showers for me were the worst. That was when I leaked. :(

And although it wasn't me asking about the timing of the rainbow baby (it was GLAMA) I am glad you answered because I had been noticing that about many of the members of this thread...and was curious about it too.

[jenahdawn]

We were there when they scattered their ashes, but now I have this sense that I can never move away because I'd be leaving them.

Who was it that was moving or could be moving soon? Judi?

How have you coped? (We have no plans on moving, but I was just wondering)

Also, how have all of you coped with the idea that a "family picture" is just not complete? With Lilly here now, people say, "Oh, we want a family picture" and I just want to scream. I wanted to scream at my parents' birthday party in Feb when someone said, "ALL the grandkids in a picture with the grandparents" IT WASN'T ALL OF THE GRANDKIDS!!!!

(Ella, the elephant we got for them and who I have slept with every night since we lost them, sat in for them by proxy, but I couldn't even be in the same room.)

[clzj]

JennyLou-Can you update me to having a Rainbow CC on 5/8/07.

GG-I lost a child 2 years ago. I still do not know what we lost and the baby's name is Baby Last Name. We have everything to know what it is but have not looked. I was pg for the 1 yr anniversy. It helped get us through that mark.

You all will think this is cute. I have a 4 year old son and he has seen the March of Dimes commericals, the other day he said ours made it 9 months and then asked if we had one die. I told him yes. He asked if Anastasia was a replacement and I told him kind of. Then he asked where the baby we lost was. I still need to show him that. He was 2.5 years when I lost the baby. I think he remembers. not sure.

[pocahontas]

Meant to post this yesterday, gals. Sorry it's late but hopefully a few of you will see it and have your candles ready. Mine is sitting here on the table in front of me.

DEAR ABBY: The holidays are one of the most difficult times of the year for families mourning the death of a child. A time of festivity becomes instead one of great emptiness and sadness.

I would like to make the tens of thousands of bereaved families who read your column aware of the Worldwide Candle Lighting sponsored by The Compassionate Friends, a non-profit self-help bereavement organization with 600 chapters in the United States, and a national presence in nearly 30 countries around the world.
The Worldwide Candle Lighting is held at 7 p.m. local time for one hour on the second Sunday in December (this year, Dec. 9), creating a 24-hour wave of light in remembrance of all children who have died, no matter their age or the cause of death. Also available that day at The Compassionate Friends Web site will be a remembrance book where visitors can post a message in memory of the child who died.

Last year, nearly 375 formal services were held in the United States by chapters of The Compassionate Friends, allied organizations and bereaved parent groups in all 50 states, Washington, D.C., and Puerto Rico, and this year Dear Abby readers are invited to participate. Services will also be held throughout Canada and more than a dozen countries abroad.

Anyone who is unable or who doesn't wish to attend a formal service is welcome to light a candle in their home and share this time with family and friends. -- PATRICIA LODER, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS, USA

DEAR PATRICIA: I'm pleased to help you spread the word. Your worthwhile organization has helped, and continues to help, grieving families through the darkest period of their lives.

Readers, check for a local candle lighting by visiting The Compassionate Friends Web site at www.compassionatefriends.org or by calling toll-free: (877) 969-0010.

I hope this ceremony will make the holidays a little easier for bereaved families, not only in this country, but also around the world who have lost a child. The Candle Lighting is held in remembrance of their little angels

[pixielou]

i hope y'all don't mind me popping in to ask a quick questions. i'm just wondering how many of you received birth certificates for your children? we didn't receive a birth certificate for our daughter since she wasn't alive when she was born. we just received her death certificate. and i'm still having trouble "getting over" that. and i'm just wondering if it's an issue with the hospital i used, or if it's common practice.

~pixie

[Kimmiebride]

We only got a comemorative certificate with his footprints and his stats on it. Come to think of it, they never gave us a birth certificate for Josh either... I need to check into that.

I wasn't home for the candle lighting. Thinking of all our angels today - the little stars in the sky burning bright.
Kimmie

[jenahdawn]

i hope y'all don't mind me popping in to ask a quick questions. i'm just wondering how many of you received birth certificates for your children? we didn't receive a birth certificate for our daughter since she wasn't alive when she was born. we just received her death certificate. and i'm still having trouble "getting over" that. and i'm just wondering if it's an issue with the hospital i used, or if it's common practice.

~pixie


With Kim, we only got commemorative, since it was before 20 weeks.

But what you have said above just irritates the crap out of me! HOW can you get a D/C without getting a B/C FIRST?!?!?

Pix, maybe check with the hospital or city or county you live in for a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. No idea what state you are in, but if you google that phrase, you may be able to find out more information.

[jenahdawn]

http://www.missingangelsbill.org/stchart.html

Check there....

[jennylou]

They didn't give us Andrew's birth certificate, just like they didn't give us N's. But, since he was a live birth, I can go down and pay for the BC at the county health dept, just like I did for N. I did receive a SS Card for A b/c they automatically file those for the parents.

pixie - you are not intruding at all - feel free to post...

[LDS Angel 19]

Somehow I missed that we had a new thread....

our stats need updating too....


LDS Angel 19
Me: Michelle, 24
DH: Aaron: 25
Married: September 4th, 2004
Angel: Allison Grace, June 17th, 2005 22wks, 6dys.
Cause of Loss: PTL/IC
TTC: September 2005
Miscarriage June 06
Rainbow babies Megan and Natalie, 6/18/07, born at 34 weeks after a cerclage and 8 weeks hospital bedrest.

Things are ok here. I still hate the holidays. I'm starting to think I will for the rest of my life.

would post more but I hear someone waking up.... take care everyone.

[jeggink]

pixielou We received a birth and death certificate, but Kayla was born alive, so that may be one difference. I also don't understand how you can get a death cert without a birth cert :confused:!

Jenah We aren't moving but we spread Kayla's ashes where Dan's parents live, ~6 hrs away. We don't visit often because of that.

[pocahontas]

pixielou We received a birth and death certificate, but Kayla was born alive, so that may be one difference. I also don't understand how you can get a death cert without a birth cert :confused:!

Our baby boy was also born alive and I was under the impression that had he been born still we wouldn't have gotten a b/c either. But they did stress to us that could get a b/c and d/c (which cost like $31 for both I believe) and gave us the number to call to get them because they told us we could claim any child born alive on our 2007 taxes even if he was no longer living. :confused: Go figure...that's exactly what we were thinking about at that very moment after holding our dead son. :rolleyes: Maybe also we got one because he was 24 and a half weeks. Not sure.

[jenahdawn]

Judi, THAT'S it. I couldn't remember....

Poca, yep. Because the ONLY thing you are thinking is about a write off....idiots. But, as long as they take 1 breath, they are "valid" as living beings. (There's a woman in our BPSG~bereaved parent support group~who is almost manic about that, so I won't get into it...)

[GlamaGal]

clzj- I had to know. DH didn't want to but that was too bad b/c I didn't know if I COULD know later if I didn't found out in that sono (aka the day from hell). At least you have yours there, if and when you're ready to look.

The funeral director phrased the d/c like this, "we don't have to file a d/c for under 20 wk." I guess I could have asked but for me it didn't matter.

LDS- I'm with you. Holidays will NEVER be the same again.

Last night I went off on DH b/c it's like this: when I've cried in front of him (besides the day from hell and the day of the D&E- also a day from hell) he just says to think positive, move on, focus on DD (duh, she's the only thing that keeps me going right now), get it out of my mind. I said, it's four days later, let me have my mourning!! So I said, well, I'm going downstairs where I can cry by myself. My emotions seem to plummet by the end of the day, b/c I have put up a good front most of the day and by the end I just need to let it out. I wanted some comfort from him and instead I get someone just too positive. It's like he can't bear to see me cry but too bad. He tells me to stay off the internet and quit reading about neural tube defects, etc. and I tell him his ignorance must be bliss. There are no problems in our marriage, and we're fine, but gosh for once I just wanted him to say, yeah, it hurts bad for me too. B/c he's the only one I have who should "get it". He finally did admit it is hard...he's just different than me. I wish I could close it out but I just can't yet. I know there won't be any comfort until I'm pregnant again, and we've gotten all the tests done and then maybe I can relax- a bit. I won't be the same until I hold another child in my arms and he/she is healthy and comes home. I feel like the brokenhearted kid who just found out Santa is imaginary. Something has been stolen from me, and nothing can make it right. I just have to get used to that.

Something else that ticks me off is how some people just totally avoid saying anything to you. Can't they call and say sorry and if I want to talk about it just let me? I mean, I need to vent, clearly. I do have one dear friend who was in the same boat, and she understands. Man, at least I have that. And here.

[Sully130]

Glamagal - As for this:
Something else that ticks me off is how some people just totally avoid saying anything to you. Can't they call and say sorry and if I want to talk about it just let me?
I was so glad my Mom (who lost a daughter, my sister, when she was 13 days old) prepared me for this. She told me how much it hurt her that so many said nothing frankly because they didn't know what to say. She told me a story about how soon after she was at the grocery store and she saw a friend there with her son (a child...probably about 6 years old). She saw her friend looking down, trying to act as if she didn't see my mom. The kid saw my mom and ran over to her, much to her "friend's" horror and said, "I heard your baby died. That is so sad." My mom said that child's saying something meant more to her than she could say. At least someone acknowledged it. She said the "friend" rushed over, and apologized for her child's bluntness, but mom told her she appreciated it.

One of my best friends was kind of distant after my DD died. She called, but she'd get all nervous and end up saying she needed to go. Finally about the third time she called she said, "I'm sorry...I just don't know what to say." I told her that all I needed to hear is that people are sorry and they are here for me. And then she just listened. But most people just feel so sad and uncomfortable about it...and they cannot imagine going through something so horrible...so they say nothing (which is the worst thing they can do in my opinion).

Try not to take it personally. But I know it hurts.

Oh, and as for your DH...as I've said before, men and women grieve differently. Plain and simple. It's too hard to even try to understand.

Birth/death certificates - We filled out the information for a birth certificate prior to my daughter's birth. But they told me if she was stillborn it wouldn't be filed. She was. They said they used to do some type of "Certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth" or something but they had too many people who tried to use it to file with their taxes and claim and exemption. Terrible, I know. So we got a memory book that they made with her name and handprints and footprints and such.

[1_mommy]

I just wanted to thank you for the poems. My friend found out yesterday the autopsy couldn't really determine what was wrong with her baby girl. There was an infection in the placenta, but they don't think that is what caused it.

I have to say reading your posts has made me even more aware of her feelings, and i really don't know what to say to her, but i want to make sure i am here for her if she does need someone to talke too.

[jenahdawn]

1 mommy, how frustrating for her. I know, it's so hard when you don't know what happened or why it happened. You live in fear that it will or could happen again.

All you need to tell her is what you just told us. No need to be elloquent. She will understand and appreciate it.

[GlamaGal]

1 mommy, thanks for updating us. I feel for her. No answers to something so devastating. Well, it doesn't really matter because similar to what jenahdawn said, even when you have an answer (I did) you still live in the panic that it could happen again. I wish her the best. I wish some of my friends would research how to reach out to me.

I'm doing much better lately. I started sleeping with the bear that the chaplain at the hospital gave us. I guess I felt it was "time" to accept it. I think also it's nice to have our annual vacation starting on Sunday. I look forward to seeing my daughter have so much fun swimming. It'll be nice to have a change of scenery.

I got out of the house today to go to our little gym class. I had switched days. It was still hard though b/c the owner is pg. But, I got through it!

Thanks for everyone's positive sharing. Sully, somehow my reply a few days ago must not have posted, but what you shared helped a lot. It's amazing how just a little nudge from someone who's been there can really make you feel like you will be okay.

[pixielou]

thank you for the input re: birth certificates. it's not that i want/need a birth certificate - it's the whole how can you have a death certificate without a birth certificate? thingy that annoys me. i just need to stop blaming the hospital and just get over this. it's over and done with, there is nothing i can do to change it, having a birth certificate doesn't change what happened. so i just need to let go and get on with my life (but i'll wait a coupel more weeks until i do that)

thanks.

~pixie

[GlamaGal]

I posted about this over in the m/c thread, but wanted to add that I had a terrific "interview" today with my OBGYN about how she'll handle a future pg. She allotted extra time for us today, she was genuinely sorry about what happened, and she told me (w/out me asking) that she will drag in the u/s cart every week so I can see the baby. That she'll do whatever next time so that I am comfortable and as near to anxiety-free as I can be.

She is setting up a pre-conception genetic counseling appt. for us in January to make us feel assured that we're doing all we can do to have a healthy baby next time. She also advised that we do the AFP at 15 w 0 days so we'll have the info sooner and even do an amnio at that time as well, which will tell us w/out a doubt that the baby is free of a NTD (and all sorts of other things). I feel so much better to have a plan.

We do have to wait to TTC for three months so I have three month's worth of high folic acid in my system. That's probably a good amount of time to wait given that is what most of you ended up doing as well. The OB commented that I am doing really well with this, that often women don't and it often breaks up a marriage. At least there are some positives going on lately.;)

Thanks again for being so supportive. I am sure it's hard for you to do b/c it must bring up all sorts of emotions, but it really means the world to me.

[pocahontas]

Glad to hear about your OB's plan of action, GLAMA. Sounds very similar to my OB who I met with a week ago and she was very concerned about the next pregnancy and told DH and I that I'd be on bedrest at 18 weeks, have a cerclage, and she'd take the baby at 36 weeks via C-section so as not to give me any chances to go into labor and risk uterine rupture which I feel comfortable with. She also let DH and I kinda vent and ask as many questions as we wanted about our issues with the way things went down the night of my son's birth. Isn't it reassuring when you have an OB that is genuine?

Ladies, please don't kill me if I asked this already in those first few weeks pp because I have probably forgotten since I was still kind of in a fog. But I don't think I did. Can you tell me how long it took AF to come back after your loss? I bled for 3 weeks pp but yesterday made 5 weeks pp. So the bleeding has been over for awhile. I am NOT looking forward to her reappearance since it will really bring me back down to earth that there is no baby in there keeping her away. I know it will hit me hard. :( So I am not wishing her back believe me! But I am curious to know how long it was for all of you. TIA!

[jenahdawn]

poca,

I can't remember 100%, but when it DID start up again (I think I bled for 4 weeks, then it came 4 weeks later) I was immediately back on schedule. My body has always been textbook...it's creepy. (Only two times I've ever missed were pregnancies)

GG: Good! Yay for a doc who is sympathetic and will listen!!!

You brought up a point I've wondered about:

How has everyone's marriages been? I feel losing the girls DEFINITELY brought the two of us closer, and we were close before. I know in our BPS group, there are a few couples who are struggling, but I don't know of any divorces.

[Ericka_Jarett]

pixie - little late in replying, but I did get the death certificate from the funeral director and then went and paid for Rebekah's birth certificate. At the municipal building they noticed that the top said "Child expired" and she asked if I got a death certificate.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenny - my stat update:

Ericka_Jarett - Ericka, 33
DH: Jarett, 30
Married: December 14, 2001
Angel: Rebekah Joy, born April 18, 2005 at 24 weeks, with us 71 mins.
Cause of Loss: chorioamnionitis (placenta infection), possible cervical incompetence as well
Pregnant Again: January 30, 2006
Rainbow Baby: Easton Robert born 9/5/06
Twin Girls: Julianna Grace and Katelyn Elizabeth born 10/23/07

[jenahdawn]

Just wanted to say I'm having a bad day. Or a rough few days. I'm making a scrapbook for the girls and I've been crying while doing a lot of it. And I'm also having a hard time that he doesn't want to look at it. He doesn't like looking at pictures of the girls. I know he cannot be forced, but it's not just their pictures in it. I'm putting a lot of work and...you guys get it.

Tell me I'm not crazy...please?

[GlamaGal]

You're not crazy. I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I swear, why did God wire men so differently from us? Maybe eventually he'll be able to look at the beautiful book you're making. I think as mothers we just can't part with them, we need to make sure no one forgets and we need to do something so that we still include them in our lives.

DH just closes out stuff like that, too. He knew I picked up DDs cremains Friday and he just looked around to find where I put them and then when I pointed that was that. No talk about it. I'm sure he'll never open the memory box and look at her footprints like I do. Once was enough apparently.

Yesterday we got to FL where my in-laws are. FIL has been battling an illness that he will likely recover from but takes time. Well, they did not tell him that we lost the baby and my DH didn't tell ME that FIL didn't know. So we went to visit FIL yesterday and MIL stayed with DD. FIL asks me how I am and then says "well, we don't have any names yet, do we?" I wanted to run out of that room so fast. I cried for him, for having to learn about this. Just when you thin you've turned a corner and you're getting better. I think being here makes me realize even more that life is so unfair with the loss of our baby and this illness FIL has.

[jenahdawn]

THEY DIDN'T TELL HIM?!?!?!

Oh, honey....every time we ran into someone who didn't know, it was like going through it all over again, but your FIL? I can't imagine!

[Ericka_Jarett]

That's ashame that no one told him. It's a hard thing to break to someone, but we did similar with my dad about a family member, so I can understand the possible reason why.

I have to say though when my dad was sick, my grandmother passed away. He asked me how she was and since my mom didn't want to tell him and have him get worse again, I said she is good (she is, she is in Heaven and free of pain now) My dad unfortunately passed just about 6 weeks after that and he never knew that she passed away. We always think how he must have been surprised when he got to Heaven and saw her there.

[GlamaGal]

Ericka, Jenah-

I know! It so is like re-living it all over again. I don't know why? I think I'm just over-sensitive to others feelings. Well, this is his third stint in the hospital and he is so sick (he has not had any nutrition by mouth for 5 weeks as part of his treatment- strange as it sounds) & depressed about it that they thought this would just make him think, "nothing will get better- life sucks- it's not fair", etc. He so loves DD and she is someone he is looking forward to being with the next month. He keeps having setbacks: blood clot, fevers, etc. This would be seen as a huge one.

I wouldn't care, but, I wish DH would have had the courtesy to tell me so I could have braced myself. Sometimes DH doesn't think about ME & MY feelings enough. I love him, but, geesh. I feel like glass somedays. Don't handle me too roughly...hold on tightly to me.

I am trying to get into Christmas by embracing my DDs zest for life!

[GlamaGal]

Ericka, I think your story is so touching. I'm so sorry about your dad and your grandma. I think DH (b/c he is a sensitive man and that's why I love him so) is secretly afraid his dad will never get better. So he's scared to add anything to the situation b/c what if? He'd always wonder if that's what made him "turn for the worse".
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I have to share what else has been going on. It's embarrassing but where else can I share? To preface this, my dad and mom are divorced, after 26 yr. and he was just at my DDs bday party and told my mom we acted as if we could have cared less he was there. She explained we were dealing with the loss of our child (my goodness, I was still carrying her!). Since then, my dad has called several times in an attempt for me to confide in him. I don't confide in him about most things, why would I on something so deeply painful? Anyhow, he's depressed right now (has a history of this) and he is trying to use me as one of his lean ons like I usually am, but right now I can't be that person. He's choked up twice when he's called to check up on "me". This last time, right after the great follow-up with my OB who said I was "doing great, much better than some of the other women she's seen in similar situations", he called and I picked up because I thought, maybe whatever he's trying to "be" for me will be fulfilled and he can feel satisfied he "helped me". He tells me to remember my faith (I do, it keeps me hanging on). He then tells me a story about a pastor and his wife who had two sets of children, the latter numbering six. They got in a wreck and all 6 younger kids died (parents lived). At a press conference the parents simply stated, "Praise God in all things." So he says...brace yourselves..."they lost six kids, honey, and you just lost a little baby (or was it itty baby). Ok?" OHHHHH, so my pain should be much less, eh????!!!!!!! Then he choked up and we hung up. I called my DH and we almost laughed, like, what the f????? Later he called my mom & brother and I guess worried about what he said to me. Then he called me again but I was vaccuuming and I didn't hear. He left a message that said he probably told the story wrong and then went on and on about how upset he and my grandpa are about this.
I never asked for you to say anything, Dad, just say you're sorry and please don't make me comfort you. UGH. I would explain this all to him, but, he just argues and tries to make you see his side. Right now I don't care about his side. I need to take care of me.

Sorry for the long vent!

[Kimmiebride]

Jenah, my dh hasn't looked at Robert's photos either. I am strangely ok with that, as I feel like I have him all to myself in that regard. I have his things in an envelope in my office, and I "check in on him" whenever I want to. We went to a birthday party for an old friend on his angel day. There was a moment when DH just looked at Josh and I and started to cry. I know he was thinking about Robert.

Glama, I just don't understand why people just can't realize you can't be the comforter after what you have endured. It's hard enough losing her, but being faced with the situation with your DH's dad, and all that stuff is just so much. That's a very poignant analogy... feeling like a glass. Really explains it!

Me: I have been on the anti-depressants for a couple of weeks, and am doing much better. I actually haven't cried much at all recently. I don't feel numb either, which was something I was worried about. I feel like I can survive the holidays much better with this help. I am not in the holiday spirit though, and don't have a tree up. I bought a little one that we can plant when we're done. My mom arrives on the 25th, and I am looking forward to having her here. I am sure it will liven up the place, and she can't wait to get her hands on Josh.
Take care ladies!
Kimmie

[jenahdawn]

I love that, checking in on him! I'll have to think about the girls' box that way!

G, in high school, one of my classmates and her brother and sister (she was the youngest) got into an accident and the brother and sister were killed instantly. She died the next day, they kept her on life support to donate her organs. If someone ever said to me, "But their kids were grown..." I'd SMACK them!

[meggers]

A friend of DH from high school just had a late term pregnancy loss. She was 5.5 months pregnant, developed severe toxemia and they had to take the baby. She was in critical condition in the ICU but is doing better now and should be going home tomorrow. We are definitely sending her and her husband a card but I really would like to do more. I had two thoughts: 1) Order food from the internet to be delivered at their home. 2) Get a gift certificate to myforeverchild.com so they can pick out a nice keepsake for themselves. Is there one that would be better than the other?

[jenahdawn]

Both are great ideas. Personally, I'd do the second. It's a lasting reminder. I love anything that has my girls' names or is in memory of my girls.

[pocahontas]

All of my girlfriends got together and did the food thing for DH and I. It was such an awesome surprise...I had no idea when I got the call telling me I didn't have to cook dinner for the next 3 nights and that food would be catered to my door at 5pm. I think that you could go with either of your choices and it would be fine but I know I really appreciated that as one less thing I had to worry about. Apparently, my local friends had raised so much money, however, that there was some left over after the catering and they gave me a spa gift certificate (which I went and redeemed for a much needed massage and facial and wouldn't you know...my facial girl was PREGNANT OF ALL THINGS! :rolleyes: But I digress...) I don't know if your friend is the kind who would appreciate getting away in a few weeks when things calm down and getting a massage, but I just thought I'd throw that out there as well.

[GlamaGal]

Meggers, I just can't get over the reason you're friend lost her baby. Ugh. Mothers blame themselves enough. My heart breaks for her. I think either are nice. I didn't feel a bit like cooking so it was nice to have my mom do it. Others offered and we declined. Otherwise, I wouldn't have ate at all. I know another thing I appreciated more than anything was just having someone to listen to me.

FIL was told today before he was discharged. He cried then but I wasn't there. Tonight ILs good friends came to see FIL, they did not know and when DH told them, FIL cried- the big, open mouth cry. I feel so bad for him and I guess I appreciate to know he was that upset. That's weird. I am so affected by it...I guess when others are that deeply it acknowledges that we DID lose a BABY, our child.

Jenah, did you get/buy anything that you are fond of to remind you of your daughters? I don't know what to get myself but I need something. When DD was born, DH got me a pink shoe from Aaron Basha, so "for now" it is for both of them. No one else knows that but me.

[jenahdawn]

GG, the first thing we bought was this Willow Tree figurine, called "Two Alike":

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31BYG49M2HL._AA280_.jpg

Then, the local girls got us a stepping stone for our garden:

http://pics.livejournal.com/jenahdawn/pic/00059fef/s320x240

And a brick at the local botanical gardens (that's Ella in the picture, the elephant I have talked about before):

http://pics.livejournal.com/jenahdawn/pic/0006wtfk/s320x240

And I got myself this (pink sapphires~Sept birthstone, set in rose gold) as a reminder:

http://pics.livejournal.com/jenahdawn/pic/000e40xf/s320x240
http://pics.livejournal.com/jenahdawn/pic/000e3rc5/s320x240

[meggers]

Thank you so much for your opinions. No one should have to go through what you guys have had to go through. I think I'm going to get my friend a gift certificate to myforeverchild.com unless you guys have suggestions for another place that would be good. My only issue now is that their gift certificates expire 6 months from being issued. That doesn't seem very long. I don't know how long it takes to be ready to buy a keepsake like that. Would it be good to wait a few months to buy it for her? If I wait to but it for her for a few months, then it will be close to her due date. Would it be upsetting to get something like that right around your due date?

[GlamaGal]

Meggers, I think she'll be ready before 6 mos. Possibly include a printed out photo of some things you thought would be lovely, but that you didn't/couldn't pick. It'll get her started. I keep thinking about her.

Jenah- thanks for the great ideas. I love what you picked out/got. I especially love the stepping stone. I'm an avid gardener...maybe I'll do one similar.

[jenahdawn]

Got a message on our answering machine from my old best friend. (He and I met when we were 6, we got really close in HS and were roommates in college) I haven't talked to him since last summer (2006) when we were 12 weeks with the girls. (He is a twin himself) I've left him a message to call me back.

How do you tell your former best friend that your children are dead? And why am I so scared or nervous about it?

[GlamaGal]

Jenah, I've asked myself same. Every time I have to talk to someone that I haven't talked to since she died (I emailed the news to close friends), I choke up & relive it. I still haven't talked to most of my good friends just because, I know I'll cry. Maybe because I (we) feel the need to tell them what happened, exactly, and how we felt about it, because, as our friend, they should know?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenah - I had to tell my ex boyfriend that I lost Rebekah after having sent him an email telling him I was pregnant back in March with a girl. He had finally written me back and said Congratulations on your daughter. I wrote him back and said thanks for the Congrats, but unfortunately we lost her back on April 18th. He wrote back that he was so sad and sorry to hear that. (He never wanted kids and made it quite clear while we were dating, so didn't expect much of a reaction, so he surprised me a little.

[pocahontas]

Got a message on our answering machine from my old best friend. (He and I met when we were 6, we got really close in HS and were roommates in college) I haven't talked to him since last summer (2006) when we were 12 weeks with the girls. (He is a twin himself) I've left him a message to call me back.

How do you tell your former best friend that your children are dead? And why am I so scared or nervous about it?
Great question, Jenah. I just wrestled with this myself because one of my old best friends from H.S. made me godmother to her daughter many years ago (got pregnant in college). Anyway, last month this godchild of mine had her Sweet 16 party which I was invited to in early October but told the mom I couldn't come because I was pregnant (they live back home 400 miles away) and my OB had frown upon my last trip (in summer when my ankles swelled to CANKLES. :rolleyes:) So there would be no more travel for me. Now her mom and I aren't really as close as we used to be (to the point where I sent her an announcement about the baby with the baby's website and she NEVER once visited to sign the guestbook). But the point is my goddaughter's birthday was just days before we lost our son and I never mailed her birthday card and gift because of course it was not even on my radar in those first few weeks following DS's birth. Needless to say, I'm sure her mom is pissed and wondering why if I couldn't make the party at least I could have acknowledged the day with a card or something. So I finally sat down and penned a letter to my goddaughter explaining everything (hope she doesn't cry when she reads it), put it in the birthday card with some money and sent it off Friday. I know by the time she gets it DH and I will be in Vegas vacationing but her mother will probably call me super apologetic.

I say that to say...I just found a letter was the easiest way for me to tell someone about the baby. Even though there are people I told by phone when it first happened just to get it over with (like my 2 BFF one of whom this very thing happened to with her first born, also a boy, so she was like the first one I called.) Other than that though...I found I am much more eloquent if I don't have to say it and can just be non-verbal. Not sure if that will help in your case though since he will be phoning you.

[jenahdawn]

I don't have his address. And I actually did write him a letter....last December...and never mailed it. And I still have it. It's in the girls' memory box.

[sophiapb]

Just popping in to say "Hello!" to everyone.

Jenny, when you get a chance, can you please update my stats? Corinne is listed as my rainbow baby but Elise is missing. That's just too close to what happened to my first pregnancy so if you could include both babies, I would so appreciate it. The info should be as follows:

Elizabeth "Elise" Zoe....12/4/06
5 lbs, 15ozs and measuring 18 1/2 inches, born @ 10:49 am

Corinne Victoria...12/4/06
6 lbs, 6ozs and measuring 19 inches, born @ 10:51 am

[LDS Angel 19]

Just stopping by to say I'm thinking of you ladies and our angels this morning...

[GlamaGal]

I miss my angel so bad. Oh, the Holidays, to make us remember that what we most wanted we didn't get.

Merry Christmas anyway!

[ali_ohli]

Hi, everyone. Just popping in to say I hope the holidays were O.K. for you all. For those who are grieving recent losses, I pray the new year brings peace to you and your families. We lost our angel baby on Dec. 3 of last year, and Christmas and NYE were unbelievably depressing. This year -- as we celebrated Henry's first Christmas -- we just kept shaking our heads, marveling at how much we have to be thankful for. A lot can happen in a year...

[ali_ohli]

Threadmistress, could you please add Henry to my stats? Thank you!

ali_ohli
Me: Ali, 30
DH: Chris, 33
Angel daughter lost at 22 weeks to incompetent cervix in Dec. '06
Rainbow son Henry born Sept. '07

[GlamaGal]

Ali, stories like yours give me hope.

[jenahdawn]

A lot can happen in a year...

In good ways and in bad.

We did the same thing you did. We really didn't celebrate anything in 2006. This year, we stared at Lilly during Christmas Eve mass with tears in our eyes.

[Kimmiebride]

A lot can happen in a year...

isn't that the truth... we were grieving in 2005, pregnant and scared in 2006, and completely amazed and grateful this year. My prayers to all of you who are struggling with the never ending pain this season.
love,
Kimmie

[GlamaGal]

AF arrived on the 28th day after the D&E.

DH leaves today from our vacation and I'm here another 8 days. I'm kind of dreading going home because I'm afraid I'll backslide. I'm also panicking about seeing people in A's music & gym classes- other moms who haven't seen me but knew I was pg. I managed to avoid them for the two weeks before we vacationed, but it's unavoidable when I get home.

How did some of you deal with this? These moms are friends of mine b/c we attend mutual classes for our kids, but I don't talk to them on the phone. I'm thinking they'll just give me a weird look and then figure it out. I need to be prepared for what else could happen.

[pocahontas]

I found with my neighbors who saw me almost everyday that they actually weren't bold enough to ask me once they saw me again (although I'm sure they were confused and not quite sure because when my belly was big the weather was still warm out and I wasn't wearing a coat but now with a winter coat they may have perhaps noticed I didn't look big but didn't wanna stare to find out if it was just hiding under my bulky winter attire.) So those women may not say anything to you out of shear fear of what to say. With my next door neighbor who is a nurse at the very hospital I delivered I haven't said anything to her and won't until she gets up the nerve to ask. But I did found out with my downstairs neighbors that they finally asked my husband the other night when they saw him come in and he broke the news to them. So a lot of the moms in your group may opt not to open their mouths because they simply don't want to pry or are at a loss for words. My policy was...if they don't ask, I won't be bringing it up either.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I was working in a rather small office when I ha Rebekah. Most were at lunch but I did tell one of the ladies to please tell the boss that I had to leave early. I told her I was having pains and she was really concerned and asked me if she should call my husband. Told her I would on my drive home. I called that night after hours and left a message that I wouldn't be in the next day. I called back the next day after hours (I had Rebekah on a Monday) and said I would be out the rest of the week. When I got home I sent an email to the lady that I asked to tell our boss that I left early. I told her that I had the baby that very day and that is the reason I would be out for the rest of the week and I would have to see how I was the following week. She in turn passed the word on to my direct boss (male) and my email on to the vice president (she is a woman). The VP wrote me back and said to take all the time I needed and that the whole office was praying for me (they just told the staff that I had lost my daughter and would be off for a while) She told me that my job would be there when I was ready to return if I was ever wanting to return (it was a part time summer position, it was April, I started in February and was to work until August when I was due) I ended up taking off until after Mother's Day (we were going to Chicago for a VBS research project and was to be the last trip before the baby came) I went back a week after Mother's Day and the office welcomed me back and no one asked questions, just let me talk if I felt like it. About a week after I was back I was ready to talk more in depth about what happened. Everyone was concerned about me and glad to have me back.

Just take your time and if asked you don't have to tell more then you are comfortable telling. You could simply say, "there was a complication and we lost the baby" Be ready to hear I'm so sorry and such though. Here I am more than 2 years, almost 3 yrs out now and I still get "I'm so sorry to hear that" I haven't given much detail to people now, only those in my multiples group that it may help if they face similar things that I did with Rebekah.

[jennylou]

I found that I didn't have to say much. I remember going to eat with DH, my sister and her husband at a restaurant that we frequented. Our usual server came up to us, tried to make some small chat and finally stopped - she knew something was wrong. I think she said something like "oh my God, no?". Most other people that we see knew as well, it helped having an obituary, I think. It's odd, but people here really read their obits.

I did have one experience, shortly after I returned to work. I answered the phone and it was a man who worked in another dept - we were friendly, but I hadn't seen him in a while. He was surprised I was back already from maternity leave and said "wow you're back already, how's the baby?" Gosh, I felt like I just had my feet kicked out from under me - I'd felt like I was doing well having gone back to work. I passed him on to a co-worker after somehow managing to choke out that DS had died. He did feel horrible - as did my coworker (I ran to the bathroom crying past him telling him to get the phone).

[GlamaGal]

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories. I am better off if I'm prepared; however, that part of my personality also makes me worry about things unnecessarily.

[pocahontas]

UGH! I try to keep my venting at a minimum so that I can get back to my usual happy, chipper self, but today has been one of those days and I knew you all would understand. First, why oh why did the guidance counselor at my school while talking to me in her office about one of my students look down at my belly (which isn't shedding the baby bump as fast as I'd like :rolleyes:) and ask, "Are we expecting?" :eek: Come on now! Let's do the math...8 and a half weeks ago my kid died, LADY! Even if I had had AF come back in exactly 4 weeks PP, I would probably still need 2 more weeks to ovulate after that before I could get pregnant which means I would currently be all of 2 and a half weeks pregnant and HARDLY sporting a BABY BUMP FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! :mad: Even if I'd gotten pregnant 2-3 weeks after delivery on my first ovulation before AF I would still only be 6 weeks pregnant AT MOST which means NOT showing! DUH! I just looked at her and said, "No I'm just fat." :confused: And she tried to laugh it off and said oh don't worry, it will go down (i.e. the bump she now realizes is from my son and NOT a new baby :mad:) because she realized what a effin' fool she is (mind you this is the idiot I called to break the news to my students why I was out in November...so she is the LAST person I would think would be so DUMB). Sorry but I just had to get out. *sigh*

Also, how are you/did you all handle these grandiose (sp?) GROUP pregnancy announcements of IRL people (even if you caught wind of it before and were prepared)? *sigh* Can you tell it's not a good day?:(

[pewee9196]

Ladies
You have always had the best advice when it comes to one of my best friends. Today is 1 year since she lost her 1 week old Daughter Amelia. She no longer lives in the area but we do talk. I wanted to call today but I also wanted to give her space. I sent her a text. I spoke to her about a month ago and was very upfront with her ref. her putting on a brave face. We both cried a lot during that call. I know it was helpful and stressful to her at the same time. What else do you suggest?

Tons of hugs and support to all of you!!

[GlamaGal]

poca- I posted a response yesterday, but now I see that it did not stick.:mad: huh? Anyway... I wanted to say I was so sorry that someone who knew what happened, and how painful it must have been for you, was insensitive enough to ask you a question like that. She should know way better than that and I feel really horrible for you. IMO, we should be off-limits for those types of questions, and, even if someone suspects a baby bump, they better damn shut their mouths until we announce.

Good grief, I've eaten more because a) I'm having a hard time getting my self back into the non-pregnancy diet after being pregnant nearly 5 mos., and, b) indulging in chocolates and sweets makes me feel better.

[GlamaGal]

peewee- I would think your speaking with her recently is what she most needs from people. Just acknowledgment that you remember her little girl. I imagine she must feel like others may be able to go on as if it never happened and she never existed but inside she is thinking about her all.the.time. It's got to be a lonely feeling. Women feel the worst.
================================================== ======
I asked DH if he opened our daughter's memory box and looked at her footprints when he got home from FL (one week earlier than A and me). He said he didn't. Before I asked him, I told him that I wanted to know if he did something, but that if he didn't it didn't matter. That will be one of the first things I do when I get home from this FL vacation. It's like I need to hold what she touched and my heart needs to see that she did exist. It sounds so silly. Now I wonder if he did it after we got off of the phone.

[jennylou]

Ugh poca - that guidance counselor was something else!

Glama - men and women grieve totally different. DH sometimes surprises me by things that he does or says about Andrew. Then, he'll completely forget other things, that I remember (like our BFP date, etc).

I came by to post a bit of an update on us - we got a BFP last week. I'm due Sept 14 by LMP (according to the online due date calculators, maybe I should update FF and see what it says?). ;)

First OB appt is Feb 14 - I'll be just shy of 10 weeks by LMP which feels like a LONG time away. LOL, with Andrew, I was having betas drawn, then waited a week or two and had an u/s. With Nora, I had tons of blood draws (spotting), then an u/s (too early and just saw the fetal pole). By the time I was 10 weeks I think I had 3 u/s! So, I would guess that I'll get an u/s when I go, for dating purposes, since I'm not really sure when I O'd, but know that I O late.

[Kimmiebride]

Hi ladies,
Jenny - congrats on the new pregnancy! I love news like that in this thread!

Glama- I still look at Robert's footprints (funny I have footprints from him, but they didn't do footprints for Josh). My DH has not seen them, nor has he seen the two photos. I don't think he will ever look at them, and it's ok. I know he thinks of Robert and that seems to be enough for me.

Poca - wow, that's so hard. I remember when I was in the hospital for the blood clot in my lung and the doctor said, "wow, the baby must be getting big..." Stuff like that sticks with you for a long time. You just want to slap them. Having them realize how stupid they were is a close second.

I have to find a new babysitter as I think mine is getting a full time job. She needs insurance and more money than her babysitting gigs are supplying. It's sad because Josh loves her so much. I am overwhelmed at the thought of looking, but at least my business isn't too busy this time of year, so I have some time.
hugs,
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Oooo, congrats, Jennie! I was wondering when we were going to hear some good news. I'm thrilled for you!

Having them realize how stupid they were is a close second.

That was my favorite way of punishing the fools. Making them feel so awful so that they would think before they spoke next time. Like my idiot doctor. I specifically chose a new practice only after I spoke with the doctor and explained the whole situation with my first twin pregnancy. I was sobbing in her office while giving all the details. A few months later during a check up with my second twin pregnancy, I made a comment about how some symptoms with this pregnancy were different from the first pregnancy. My doctor said "That was a singleton, this is a twin pregnancy." and looked at me like I was an idiot. I paused because I honestly couldn't believe she said that and then said "Uh, noooooooo, this is my second twin pregnancy. Remember, my son was stillborn?" OMG, her face fell, turned bright red and she stammered out an apology. I was so annoyed with her that I was happy that she felt like an A$$ because she was one! Moron!
Pocahontas, I'm sorry that you had to go through that with the woman at work. I mean really, it's bad enough dealing with comments from strangers who don't know but from people who know the full story? It's just absurd.

[GlamaGal]

jennylou- CONGRATS! That is excellent. :D I saw a post of yours in another thread about a +HPT and I wondered...

Jenny & Kimmie- I agree- we are different from our male sapiens. If it weren't for you gals to share your experiences, I'm sure I'd think my DH was a heartless guy, which he isn't. I just often feel alone in my suffering and, it's odd, but if he had looked at them, somehow it would have made me feel better.

sophia- your story made me gasp! How could someone forget that??!!

[sophiapb]

GlamaGal, at the time I was so upset but now I can chuckle about how stupid she must felt. Yes, I AM malicious! But, really, what an idiot! At least I got a good story out of it. Ironically, this practice was recommended to me by the woman who headed up my infant loss support group as a practice that would be very understanding to my situation. I know that mistakes can happen and if that's the worst thing that the doctor did to me then I consider myself lucky but regardless, I no longer go to that practice.

[GlamaGal]

That was my next question. I would definitely leave my dr. if next pregnancy I go in, and she forgot! Good for you.

[Ericka_Jarett]

deleted

[jenahdawn]

EJ, :(

Today's 2 years since the day we THOUGHT we would have the girls. It's also Lilly's 2 month birthday, so I'm feeling....odd.

[GlamaGal]

I'll be thinking of both of you. {{{HUGS}}}

[GlamaGal]

The due date for my m/c is next week. Odd how when I got pregnant with DD #2 I felt comforted I'd be huge on my m/c due date. Surely next week is nothing compared to when DD2 SHOULD have been born: ~4/29. That will plain suck, pg or not.

Our genetic counseling session with the dr..... he recommended we go ahead and wait TTC for three months. So we now have two docs saying wait. He said otherwise it's like one long pg, and my body needs to be in a state of non gravida. But he also said: if it happened that's ok; go home and have sex; if waiting 3 mos. would stress us out and add to our lengthy TTC period-just do it. Confused? So I think he doesn't want to negate what my OBGYN told me. Fine. We'll wait. I'm glad we now have a relationship with him because he will do our nuchal fold, thoroughly. He also offered to call our ins. company when the time comes to lobby for some high-level u/s. So good news, all in all.

Of course I had to plot out my future O days. If we get pg our 1st try, that would put the baby's birth date super close to A's! Gasp. Who cares. Maybe that's meant to be.

[SailorJenny]

Hi all! I've been lurking for a bit, we've had some craziness - but before I get to that, congrats Jenny! That is such fabulous news :D !!

Very long story shorter, hubby and I made the decision to move b/c our landlord decided to build a new house in our backyard, about 8 feet from our windows. Construction starting 7am 6 days a week. The poor ventilation led to me having some breathing problems, bloody noses, a serious sinus infection and a bad case of laryngitis. I was 31 weeks pregnant, but we found a better place for less, and hey, I might actually get a few weeks of health before the baby got here. Next complication was that my OB quit - moved down south. He did not work out a big practice, so I had to find a new OB, but no one he recommended could see me until February (when I was due!). A friend of mine who'd lost her daughter due to PROM recommended her practice and they got me in for Monday 1/13.

They didn't like what they saw on the ultrasound (double nuchal cord, lower fluid level (AFI 10.5)) so they sent me to see the perinatologist down the hall. She confirmed their findings and sent me to the hospital for steroids and fetal heart tracings. They told me to drink a ton of water (I managed an avg of 90 oz a day) and that I'd be seen twice weekly for BPPs and NSTs until I delivered. I went back on Friday 1/18 fully expecting a huge jump in the fluid level but it had dropped to a 6. Combined with the nuchal cord and what appeared to be a rapidly maturing placenta, it was enough to send me over to the hospital for a repeat semi-emergency section. Connor Michael was born 2.5 hours later at 34 weeks, 5 lbs 6oz and 19 inches long. When I heard him cry, I started sobbing, it was the most wonderful noise in the entire world.

He had to go to the NICU b/c he was grunting a bit, and they discovered that he had RDS (respiratory distress syndrome, really common in premature babies it seems). He needed a CPAP and some additional surfactant for his lungs. He was breathing on his own by Saturday afternoon and is doing so well. I was discharged on Tuesday and it was really, really hard to leave the hospital AGAIN without a baby. I'm recovering so much faster this time - it's really amazing how much more motivation you have to get out of the bed and start moving when you have a living baby that needs you. Breastfeeding is going well - I'm pumping around the clock when I'm at home, and he's nursing like a champ when I'm at the hospital. He was moved to an open crib Tuesday night and the docs are really happy with his progress. After we left the NICU tonight, they were going to do the carseat test. If that goes well, he'll be circumcised Thursday and be home in my arms on Thursday night.

I seriously feel like the luckiest woman in the world. He is such a gift. It's definitely been bittersweet, and I catch myself thinking about how I get all of this joy with Connor that I didn't get with Gregory. Tonight I even called him Gregory by accident. :( I know that's normal, so I'm not stressing out about it. I'm just so happy, I'm not sure I could stress out about it!

[jennylou]

glama - My OB didn't make me wait any longer than 7 weeks - that was my PP appt and she gave me the go ahead (along with clomid, since I needed that and an u/s) to get started. It's easy to say wait, but if you're ready - you'll be fine. Yes, I felt like I was pregnant for two straight years, but it was okay, really. :)

sailorjenny - yay! congrats on your son. I hope he gets to come home this week, that would be great. :)

[sophiapb]

Welcome to the world, Connor Michael! Congrats, Jenny, on your bundle of joy. Connor is a wonderful size for being 6 weeks early. YAY!

[GlamaGal]

sailorjenny- I cried happy tears for you when I read your story. I am soooo happy for you. I heart the name Connor.

jennylou- I agree with you!! I should have AF come in full force today. DH and I agree we'll try wholeheartedly next AF. Since I have short AFs I really am only waiting for a little over a month until I'm TTC. But we won't be using anything until then, so, if it happens this month, well, it was meant to be in my book.

[pocahontas]

OMG! I am so late but SAILOR JENNY, that is such an emotional story. OMG! I am weepy yet happy for you! I hope to be as fortunate soon! Just checkin' in since I'll be out for awhile...today is my surgery to remove these damn fibroids that caused my little boy to get here way too soon. So I'll be in the hospital 2 nights. Then home. I'll try to check in with you guys sometime next week.

[amygrrl]

a big welcome to CONNER!

[Lisa]

a big late CONGRATS to Jenny and welcome Connor!!!

I have been lurking abit not posting too much these days but I knew if anyone knew what I felt like it be you all. Lauryn's birthday is next Thurs. The 28th. It feels so weird my little girl be 3! its mind blowing to me and even more mind blowing she has been gone 18 months. I miss her so much. Having my 3 boys is such a blessing and an amazing journey but I miss doing her hair, painting her toes or just holding her. :( Normal things. I just miss my girl so much. Ethan wants to make her a butterfly cake(she loved butterflies) I will just like last year but this year feels weird. I cant explain it. As time goes on I feel time is erasing her. I know it cant but it feels like it. She seems so distant. I think some days I just want life to stop and let me miss her and not be so much in the everyday busyness. Okay sorry for being a downer.
other than that life is good. A is getting big and so active I love it I have such great kids. Thanks for letting me get this all out.

[GlamaGal]

Lisa- I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter, Lauryn. Your post made me weepy. I just want to hug up my little one and be more thankful more often that I have her. I swear, if I didn't, I'd still be in bed. These little ones keep you going and I'm glad you have your sons to comfort you. Of course they can't erase the pain that will always be with you, just like Lauryn will always be with you. I hope you get through this 3rd birthday. I'll be thinking of you.

[pocahontas]

Lisa...sorry about your little girl's upcoming birthday making you miss her even more. But I can relate. My due date is TOMORROW. :(:(:(

[Kimmiebride]

As time goes on I feel time is erasing her. I know it cant but it feels like it. She seems so distant.

Lisa, I am so sorry this is a particularly tough time for you. This statement totally resonated with me. I feel the same way about Robert. I never held him, or spent a year and a half getting to know him so he even seems more distant if you can imagine that. I feel guilty that days go by and sometimes I don't think of him. Josh is just the light of my life, and I can't imagine surviving a life without him the way some of you have had to deal with. Just breaks my heart. He'll be a year old in 9 days. Robert would have been 2 in April if he had come on his due date. My feelings get so jumbled up inside sometimes. Anyway, the point of this is that I am sending you hugs, and thinking of you now and on Lauren's birthday. Poca, Glama, and all the other dear friends in here, I send you my love and gratititude for this group during good times and bad times.
hugs,
Kimmie

[GlamaGal]

kimmie- nice to hear from you.

poca- {{{hugs}}} That's rough. I'll be thinking of you. I hope you're doing well, otherwise.

Tonight at a fundraiser held at my house a lady opened up to me and shared that her daughter died at 8 yr. old this past July of a brain tumor. I just wanted to weep for her. She battled a lot of infertility and this was her baby (she has 2 older daughters). I just want to think of her and her family healing.

[LDS Angel 19]

ITA with pretty much everything Kimmie said. Lisa, I'll be thinking of you and Lauryn this week.

[amygrrl]

hey guys... just wanted to update my stats..

amygrrl
me: 37
DH: 35
Married: 2/15/03
TTC: 02/05/03
Angel Baby: Avery born still on 6/3/05 at 28 wks
Rainbow Babies: Malin our little miracle born on 4/3/06, and our miracle part 2, Eiley born on 10/22/07
Cause of loss: unknown. hospital misplaced the autopsy paperwork so no investigation into the cause of death was ever done.
Other issues: PCOS, IVF alumni, 3 embries on ice

[GlamaGal]

I'm having a sucky day today. For some reason, I've thought a lot about her and the choice we made. I was online reading stories about people who chose to go full-term and got to hold their baby for a minutes, an hour, a week. I don't know why I'm so melancholy tonight.

I know it doesn't change the love I have for her, or the ultimate outcome. I just needed someplace to go where someone might understand me. I often feel like others didn't have a choice and we did and so I feel less worthy.

[jeggink]

Glamagal Just wanted to say you are not alone with making this decision and there are a few others on here as well. I know exactly how you feel and honestly for me even a year later it hasn't gotten better. I continue to wonder if we made the right decision. Please don't feel that you are any less worthy, we were all just placed in an extremely difficult position and made the best decision based on the information we had and the best for our families. Lots of HUGS!

[GlamaGal]

Thank you, jeggink. Last night was rough, but I am much better today. I guess I needed a good cry. I wrote a letter to her, and somehow it made me feel better.

[Astro]

update...

I know I've been quiet for a while, but I figured I'd post an update. If our boys had been born at term, they'd have turned two this past month. Hard to believe it has been that long. Since then we've had to miscarriages and multiple failed IVF attempts. The past 6 months my husband and I have met with Dr's and done a bunch of research. Due to our investigations and questioning of Dr's, it has been confirmed I have an autoimmune disorder. Basically my immune system doesn't recognize the difference between good and bad, so it attacks everything. My Dr's can't agree on if it could be a cause of our infertility, but my DH and I think it contributes. We think it was a problem back with the boys as well, and are trying to figure out what to do next. The good news is I haven't been sick in 3 years. The bad news is my immune system needs to be smacked down a few notches. We'll continue to try and figure out how to do that, but it looks like pregnancy isn't in the cards for us. So that's where we stand. It's neither good nor bad news. It just is. We're just glad we've moved from "unexplained infertility" and "unexplained pregnancy loss" to a possible reason. :) Anyway, I'll still be here sometimes, just not often.

[Kimmiebride]

http://www.millcottagebridal.com/joshcomp.jpg

I just wanted to stop by with some pictures... the first one Josh is 15 days old, the second is today (two days shy of his birthday). Our little preemie isn't so little anymore... Thank God for a healthy happy year, and prayers for many to come. Prayers for my friends in pain, and prayers for the rainbows. Astro, I always think of you! I am glad to see you stopping by from time to time. Good to have part of an answer, since the not knowing is so much worse.
hugs to all!
Kimmie

[GlamaGal]

kimmie- what a beautiful boy! My DH was a little redheaded-blue eyed child that small,too! I'm in luff.

jenah- Not selfish a bit! Truthful.

astro- Agree that having an answer is often good. Then sometimes I'm jealous of people who don't have an answer b/c the reality of mine is not comforting, either. {{hugs}}

[clzj]

For all of you that have been here since I have joined. I am ready to open up the information about the one we lost. I have not talked to my DH about opening it up. I need to. I don't want to open up the stuff if he is not ready. I am almost thinking about going to the hospital to look at the pics also. I don't know if dh will do that or not.

Glam-DH and I choose not to find out the sex of the baby the day that I delievered nor did we hold the baby. To this day I don't know what we lost. I do know that my Rainbow Baby Anastasia would not be here.

I also have not talked to DH about having another one. I really would like a 3rd. If we have another one I either want a July baby or September. What is nice is my due date can be in either August or October and I would still have the month I want. I have a c-section and I have to have it at 37 weeks.

[Lisa]

I adore her, but I can't help but think what might have been...

Call me selfish, but I still want all three.

I know just what you are saying. I'm blessed with 3 boys and love it but I miss her and ant her too!

Kimmie-josh is so handsome. I love the red hair and blue eyes! Happy birthday Josh!

[amygrrl]

hi girls! while i suck at posting, i am keeping track of you all... and i've ate some bad food tonight and have been throwing up, so dh is taking care of the girls and the bonus is that i finally have time for a real post!

both girls are doing well... we're quickly approaching malin's 2nd birthday in april.. and eiley is a roley poley little 4 1/2 month old. life is good... but not complete. we go to the park several times a week and we see avery's tree and i miss her still. she would be 3 in june which seems crazy to me. now that malin is verbal and has so much personality, i often look at her and wonder how similar or different avery might have been at this age.

one thing that i'm struggling with right now is what to do with our frozen embryos. i honestly don't know if i can take a forth pregnancy. physically, pregnancy just seems to tear my body apart and i already feel like i've aged 10 years in the last 3 from the pregnancies. but those embryos were made during the cycle when avery was conceived and the idea of destroying or donating them kills me. and i don't know if dan is on board at all with having another kid. really, i'm just so confused.

[pocahontas]

Kimmie, JOSH is such a cutie! :)

[GlamaGal]

clzj- *If* you want/can talk about this further, how far along was your angel born? The hospital still has photos there you can look at? If you don't want to answer, I totally understand. I can't imagine the pain you must be in, to not be able to look.

amygrrl- I feel similar thinking about my angel dd. All of the what-would-have-beens, etc. It's especially painful to see my dd with her tenderness and love for babies...she'd have been such a terrific big sis at this age.

At gym class on Thursday the owner who's just back from maternity leave said, in front of other moms from class putting on their kids' shoes and our instructor,

"So A's a big sister now?!"
"No. Unfortunately, we lost her."
Faces drop. Eyes bog out of head.
"Oh, nooooo!"
"It's ok, we're trying again." all the while stroking A's head and pretending to fix her coat/hat.
I felt bad for her b/c she's probably feeling bad she asked. (I had switched class day when it all happened because I just couldn't go back to that group.) But I felt good that I didn't cry there or in the car. I felt guilty for dismissing my angel dd with the we're-trying-again statement.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was on the Today show today:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23481435#23481435 Scroll down to Photographers help

You may want tissues handy

[GlamaGal]

Thank you for sharing that. I did not see it on tv. It makes me feel less "alone". What a wonderful thing.

This reminded me that my mom had a friend who worked in the