Late Term Loss, Stillbirth, Infant Loss and Toddler Loss Support Group

[jennylou]

This thread is for those moms who have lost a child - through late term loss, stillbirth or infant loss. We have members who have had their rainbow babies, pregnant members, members ttc and those that are not ttc. Each of us bring a unique perspective on loss and all are welcome. If you have lost a baby, please feel free to jump in and introduce yourself. Our group has become a bit like a family, we laugh with each other and we cry with each other - and although we hate that it happens to anyone else, we welcome you with open arms.

Our Members:

ali_ohli
Me: Ali, 30
DH: Chris, 33
Angel daughter lost at 22 weeks to incompetent cervix in Dec. '06
Rainbow son Henry born Sept. '07

amygrrl
me: 36
DH: 34
Married: 2/15/03
TTC: 02/05/03
Angel Baby: Avery born still on 6/3/05 at 28 wks
Rainbow Baby: Malin our little miracle born on 4/3/06
Cause of loss: unknown. hospital misplaced the autopsy paperwork so no investigation into the cause of death was ever done.
Other issues: PCOS, IVF alumni, 3 embries on ice

Me: Amy 29
DH: Josh 32
Married: 6/15/03
TTC: 8/2003
Angel: Twin boy, Caleb Reed 6/13/08 at 19 weeks, 1 day
Cause of loss: PPROM, genetic results pending
Other children:Twin girl, still fighting strong, due 11/07/2008

Astro
Me: 39
DH: 37
Married: 9/03
Children: Alex and Ryan 9/05/05 stillborn at 16 weeks 1 day
Cause of loss: One of the placenta's separated from the uterine lining. Probably related to hematoma and bleeding in the first trimester.
Miscarriage: 5/06

clzj
Me: Lynn 32
DH: Charles 32
Married: 6/8/02
DS: Isaiah 4/24/03
Angel baby: 10/26/05
Cause: pinched cord
Rainbow CC on 5/8/07

Ericka_Jarett
Ericka, 33
DH: Jarett, 30
Married: December 14, 2001
Angel: Rebekah Joy, born April 18, 2005 at 24 weeks, with us 71 mins.
Cause of Loss: chorioamnionitis (placenta infection), possible cervical incompetence as well
Pregnant Again: January 30, 2006
Rainbow Baby: Easton Robert born 9/5/06
Twin Girls: Julianna Grace and Katelyn Elizabeth born 10/23/07


goldengbridge
Jen, 25
DH:Miguel, 28
Married 9/6/03
TTC: 8/03
Children: Andrew, 22 months and the light of my life!
Angel Jacob, born sleeping on 4/3/06, (18w 4 d) Cause of death was unknown but his cord was wrapped around his body tightly 3 times. We know for sure he was healthy because I was high risk with Jacob's pg because of Andrew's heart defect. I had just had an u/s 2 weeks before Jacob passed away which showed he was healthy.
It's a Girl! EDD 3/12/07

GlamaGal
me: 31
DH: 43
Married: 10/11/03
TTC: June '07
Children: Alexa 11/27/05 (thank you, God!)
Angel Baby: Girl 19w
m/c: 6/4/07 at 5 or 6 wk.
Cause of loss: baby has complete anencephaly. Not compatible with life.
Other issues: took us 11 mos. to conceive DD. Took us 8 mos. to conceive m/c child. I believe I ovulate sporadically.

Jeggink
me: 33
DH: 33
Married: 9.28.02
DS: 9.23.04
Angel Baby: Kayla Anne born on 11/27/06 at 19w3d.
Cause of loss: Unbalanced Translocation of Chromosomes, genetic, but not from us, just a fluke.
Other issues: 2 m/c in Jan 06 and April 06, unknown reasons

jenahdawn
DH: 27
Married: 7/26/02
Angels: Catherine (Katie) Rose and Chloe Dawn, b/d 9/27/06
Rainbow Baby:Lillian Grace - 11/18/07 9:42pm, 6lbs 14oz, 18" (37w1d)

jennylou
Me: 27
DH: 36
Married: 9/20/03
Angel: Andrew Wyatt 5/20/05-5/22/05
Cause of loss: SIDS
Other children: Our vbac and Rainbow baby, Nora 8/10/06

jessie
Me: 26
DH: 31
Married: 5/13/02
Children: Bailey- 11/22/99, Rainbow Baby Chelsea - 05/05/05
Angel: Joshua - Born still at 38w on 3/28/04
Cause of loss: Massive fetal/maternal hemorrhage

Kimmiebride
me: 41
DH: 41
Married: 07/01
TTC: 08/02
Angel: Robert stillborn at 18w5d
Cause of loss: membranes not fused on right side that caused complications from amnio, and premature rupture of membranes
Other issues: Factor V Leiden and MTHFR clotting disorders discovered after the birth, which lead to 2 pulmonary embollisms
Rainbow Baby Josh 3/3/07 4lbs, 12oz born at 36 weeks after a month on hospital bedrest for pre-eclampsia - Thank you God!

LDS Angel 19
Me: Michelle, 24
DH: Aaron: 25
Married: September 4th, 2004
Angel: Allison Grace, June 17th, 2005 22wks, 6dys.
Cause of Loss: PTL/IC
TTC: September 2005
Miscarriage June 06
Rainbow babies Megan and Natalie, 6/18/07, born at 34 weeks after a cerclage and 8 weeks hospital bedrest.

Lisa
Me: 26
DH: 25
Married:6.28.02
Angel: Lauryn Grace 2.28.05-7.2.06
Cause of loss: RSV-but she has an underlining Possible genetic disorder/birth trama
Other children: DS:light of my life- Ethan 6.17.03 and how knows God willing another one soon!
Pregnant! Baby July 12 2007

Myangelsvw
Me: 34
DH: 34
Married: 9/1/02
Angels: Vincent and William, b/d 2/6/06
Cause of loss: Prematurity (preterm labor caused by infection)

Pocahontas
ME: 37
DH: 34
TTC: 2/06
BFP: 6/14/07
DS: Born and died 11/7/07 at 24w 4d after living 27 minutes.
Cause of Loss: premature rupture of amniotic sac

sophiapb
Me: Sophia, 39
DH: John, 32
Married: 5/18/02
Children: Alexa 5/26/05
Rainbow Babies Elizabeth "Elise" Zoe....12/4/06 5 lbs, 15ozs and measuring 18 1/2 inches, born @ 10:49 am
AND Corinne Victoria...12/4/06 6 lbs, 6ozs and measuring 19 inches, born @ 10:51 am
Angel: Alexander 5/26/05-stillborn at 36 weeks 6 days
Cause of loss-Stated as unknown although Alexander had an umbilical artery close around 27 weeks resulting in slowed down growth

Spellbound
Me: Jude, 32
DH: Patrick, 33
Married: 09/25/04
DS: Keegan 03/09/06 (born 32 weeks)
Angel baby: 09/14/06 (16 weeks)
Cause: PPROM (pre-term premature of membranes)

Sully130
me: 32
DH: 34
Married: 06/02
TTC: 07/04
Angel Baby: DD, Hannah, born still on 4.22.05 at 23 weeks
Cause of loss: fatal condition caused by spontaneous genetic mutation
Rainbow baby/babies: My miracle son, born 4.20.06 after 20 weeks of bedrest following my water breaking (PPROM, which was spontaneous) at 16 weeks; also had an early m/c in 7/04; pregnant again and due in May '08

[jennylou]

Heaven's Child: Recovering From the Loss of an Infant (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0595281834/qid=1152372230/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-9700458-3510440?s=books&v=glance&n=283155)

Gone Too Soon: The Life and Loss of Infants and Unborn Children (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1555036554/qid=1152372230/sr=2-2/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_2/002-9700458-3510440?v=glance&s=books)

Trying Again: A Guide to pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Loss (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0878331824/qid=1152372230/sr=2-3/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_3/002-9700458-3510440?v=glance&s=books)

Coping With Infant or Fetal Loss: The Couples Healing Process (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0876306946/qid=1152372230/sr=1-9/ref=sr_1_9/002-9700458-3510440?v=glance&s=books)

Hope is Like the Sun: Finding Hope and Healing After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Death (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0974869961/qid=1152372512/sr=1-24/ref=sr_1_24/002-9700458-3510440?v=glance&s=books)

Empty Crade, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1555913024/ref=pd_sim_b_2/002-9700458-3510440?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155)

We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We had an Angel Instead (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0972424113/ref=pd_sim_b_2/002-9700458-3510440?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155)

Mommy, Please Don't Cry : There Are No Tears in Heaven (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/159052151X/ref=pd_sim_b_3/002-9700458-3510440?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155)

I'll Hold You in Heaven (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0830732594/ref=pd_sim_b_5/002-9700458-3510440?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155)

[jennylou]

SHARE (http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/)

March of Dimes (www.marchofdimes.com)

The Compassionate Friends (http://www.compassionatefriends.org)

A Place To Remember (http://www.aplacetoremember.com/)

Parents of Multiples Forever (http://www.erichad.com/pom/index.htm)

M.E.N.D. (http://www.mend.org)

When Your Baby is Stillborn (http://www.wisc.edu/wissp/when.htm)

CLIMB (http://climb.org/)

[jennylou]

Baby Photo Retouching (http://www.babyphotoretouch.com/)

The American Child Photographers Charity Guild (http://www.acpcg.com/mission.htm)

[jennylou]

Our first thread (http://www.constantchatter.com/showthread.php?t=5792)

We're open for posting now. :)

If you have anything you'd like me to add - books, websites, etc, please share.

[jennylou]

new thread!

[GlamaGal]

Since the new thread is closed still, I'll update here. I made it through the D&E fine. I'll have to post that experience later. Right now I want to take advantage of the drugs still in my system so I can sleep. Thanks to all of you who thought and prayed for me. It meant a lot. I'm facing just the loss now, and it's hitting me hard. Especially when I saw her little footprints that they made for us. Heartbreaking. I realized DH is really upset as well. He couldn't hardly bear to see them. I think maybe the difference between us is I had her inside me so she was more "real". But he also has the very same emotions I do. I can't forget that. I'll be back to heal on that later. My BFF is spending the entire day with me tomorrow and I need that.

[Sully130]

Glamagal - I've thought of you so many times today. I'm glad it's over so you can move on, but I know how hard it must have been. I do hope you can sleep well tonight thanks to the drugs.

The footprints do make it all so real. Sometimes I feel like everything with my daughter was a horrible nightmare, then I see those footprints and I remember how very real she was. My husband was the same way. It didn't hit him until she was born and in our case, he saw her. I've never seen him cry before then (he said he hadn't cried since he was a child).

I pray that you will find peace and whatever understanding helps you get through the days. Take care.

[jenahdawn]

Glama,

I hope you are doing....okay, at least physically, right now.

[GlamaGal]

DH had a bad night last night. He mostly slept on the sofa in our sitting room. He kept waking with anxiety. I'm not sure how to help him. I have cried in front of him but I hold back a lot of it so he's not so stressed out. How did you guys handle all of this? He says it's the stress and anxiety of the past 2 weeks (FIL was really sick and isn't totally out of the woods yet but is home).

Last night I realized I feel like a mouse in a maze, searching for the prize that will release me, but there's no prize. There's nothing to make me feel better. I'm ticked, but there's no one to be ticked at.

Today my glands are still swollen (I'm sure aggravated by the gen. anesthesia tubing) and my neck is so stiff. I'm wearing a tight bra so hopefully my milk doesn't come in (something I'm strongly emotional about & had really looked forward to). I can't stop thinking about how we can't TTC until March-ish. And how even if I was pg I'd be so early, and everyone around me who is pg now will be huge and almost ready to have a baby. Mostly I think "how will I possibly get through all of this time, until it's our turn again?".

[pocahontas]

Glama...I understand about the milk thing all too well now. Being that this was my first child I underestimated the nurses and social worker at the hospital who told me that my milk would come in and how to deal with it (i.e. the whole frozen cabbage leaves or ice packs thing). I didn't believe them. I thought...I have no baby. So I'll be one of those who doesn't get milk. HA! :( I was mistaken. I wish I had done like you with the tight bra early on. I didn't do it until day 3 or 4 when my breasts started to ache and I knew something was happening. And I am also right there with you about not being able to TTC until spring (although it may be more like April for us) because I have to have surgery to remove this lovely boulder (i.e. fibroid) that probably contributed to my premature labor. :mad:

I don't have any brilliant advice unfortunately but I so wish I did...for you and for all of us to whom this is "new" and we feel clueless. But the ladies here who went through this and have dealt with it for longer than we have are so knowledgeable and even though they still have tough days seem to have a lot more skill at getting through it than we do right now. So lean on them for advice. {{{HUGS}}} to you. We will all get through this somehow.

[Astro]

Glamagal Going through this really stinks (I actually have other words for what we've all been through, just don't want to use them in public). Everything you're feeling is NORMAL for what you've been through. It seems like eternity until March. My DH and I took it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Looking ahead to when we may be able to try again just seemed like such a long time off, it was depressing/annoying/frustrating/etc.

You and your DH have been through a horrible loss. You're both grieving individually for the loss and as a couple. My DH and I found it best to not hold back in front of the other. Sometimes I'd just walk up to him and say I need a hug, then start crying. He and I talked a lot. We had the understanding that he couldn't make it better for me and I couldn't make it better for him. All we could do was be there for hugs and listening. We decided we were on a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes we were on the same rollercoaster, sometimes different ones, but we were always there for each other to listen and hug. I still don't know how we got through it, and there are still days (2 years later), when I just walk up and say I need a hug and start crying. He realizes this is just part of our grief and who we are. He knows I don't expect him to make the pain go away, because he can't.

It does get better, the pain takes less of your time and energy. The Dr who delivered our sons told us something that makes sense to us. He said we had just experienced a major injury (think major surgery). The wound right now is gaping, fresh, and incredibly painful. Overtime, the wound will begin to heal and scab. Sometimes the scab will breakoff and the wound will bleed and hurt again. Eventually over time it will become a scar. The wound will never be gone, but the rawness will go away. The three of you (you, your DH, and the two of you as a couple) have all experienced this major injury. It is up to the two of you to sit down and figure out how you will make it through and what each of you needs for the couple to continue.

Not sure if that makes sense, but I hope it does. Basically the emotions you have and will have are completely normal for what you've been through. The way you deal with the ride you're on will be what is different. Each of us has gone through the pain, and each of us has found what works for us individually. For my DH and I; talking, hugs, and being there to listen to each other is what helped us get through it. For other people, not talking about it is what got them through it. My suggestion is to talk to your DH and see what the two of you need from each other. Now is not the time to hold back.

[GlamaGal]

Thanks, Astro. I have a tendency to want to shelter people from my emotions. Not sure why. I think that is why DH was in the other room because he didn't want to wake or upset me. It sure is like an open wound. I don't want to be left alone. My BFF left and then I cried for the first time today (not the last).

[SailorJenny]

I am sorry for your loss Glama. Crying is good. I remember just holding a pillow over my c-section incision and sobbing until I just had no energy left. I'd wake up crying, I'd go to sleep crying. It does get easier, and it does feel less raw over time. Everyone here makes so much sense...

A girl I know from another message board was being induced today at 38w1d and her daughter has serious complications. The doctors have cautioned her that the baby might be stillborn or die shortly after birth. Please keep her and her husband in your prayers.

[GlamaGal]

SailorJenny, Please let us know what happens. That is so horrible. I hope a miracle happens and she won't need this thread. I'll pray for them.

It sucks to find a funeral home to cremate your child. I'm just trying to get all of this done while I'm still raw so I can sort of move beyond what just happened. DH was going to do this part but he went to the dr. today and what happened last night was a panic attack. I'm just emailing funeral homes so I don't have to talk on the phone. I want to do this for DH b/c he's so busy running his business and getting things done before we go on a long vacation and he was scared to pieces with his dad's illness. Tonight we just laid in bed, watched Tivo'd shows, and just held each other. It was nice.

Thanks for letting me just vent it out.

[jenahdawn]

G, that's what we are here for.

The milk thing was so hard. Just an extra slap in the face.

How will you get through another pregnancy? One day at a time. How will you get through the next few months? Again, one day at a time.

I needed people to give me goals each day. One day it was a friend of our's (lost her son at 19~4 15 years ago) calling me and telling me I needed to brush my teeth and put on deoderant. The next, one friend called me and said she wanted me to put my hair up in a ponytail. I know, it sounds like such simple steps, but I needed people to treat me like a child for a few days.

What's so hard to believe is, one day, it's SOOOOO easy to get out of bed. The next, you can't even figure out how to do it, physically, emotionally, and someone needs to TELL you how.

You have your other DD to help you structure your days as well. If it helps, maybe focus on her? If you can't, maybe ask someone to come take care of her because it's hard enough to take care of yourself.

I've been thinking of you. I need to email you back!!!

[Kimmiebride]

Hi guys,
checking in for the new thread...

Glama, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I agree with the advice of not "protecting" anyone from your feelings. You have every right to let it out and cry all you need to. It's so hard when DH is taking it so hard as well. Smart to do only what you can do... nothing sucks more than trying to find someone to cremate your child.
My prayers are with you,
Kimmie

[Kimmiebride]

update on me...

Started the antidepressants. Getting more sleep is the first step. It's kind of hard most of the time. Hoping the meds will kick in, and I'll find some peace.

my stats are not quite right...
Kimmiebride
me: 41
DH: 41
Married: 07/01
TTC: 08/02
Angel: Robert stillborn at 18w5d
Cause of loss: membranes not fused on right side that caused complications from amnio, and premature rupture of membranes
Other issues: Factor V Leiden and MTHFR clotting disorders discovered after the birth, which lead to 2 pulmonary embollisms
Rainbow Baby Josh 3/3/07 4lbs, 12oz born at 36 weeks after a month on hospital bedrest for pre-eclampsia - Thank you God!

[jenahdawn]

Kim, I was on BR in the hospital for pre-e with L for 6 days (only! But I was in for 4 days earlier for preterm as well). I don't know why I didn't remember that THAT was why you were in there! Of course, I didn't have computer access so I could have asked you questions!

[Sully130]

Jenny - That is just awful. I hope for a miracle for them.

Glamagal - I hope you can find someone easily. We "lucked out" (if that's possible when you are talking of making such arrangements for your child) and had a family friend who runs a funeral home (who contacted someone else who had a crematorium) and they did it all free of charge for me...handled everything.

It's great to hear that you and your husband are finding strength and love in each other.

Threadmistress/Jenny - My stats (the part about my kids) are a little transposed, plus our ages have changed. Here is what they should be:
Sully130
me: 32
DH: 34
Married: 06/02
TTC: 07/04
Angel Baby: DD, Hannah, born still on 4.22.05 at 23 weeks
Cause of loss: fatal condition caused by spontaneous genetic mutation
Rainbow baby/babies: My miracle son, born 4.20.06 after 20 weeks of bedrest following my water breaking (PPROM, which was spontaneous) at 16 weeks; also had an early m/c in 7/04; pregnant again and due in May '08

[pocahontas]

GLAMA...have you talked with your hospital? Do you know if they work with a particular funeral home for deaths that happen on their premises?? I just ask because a social worker was sent to talk with us after DS passed and she gave us 3 options of what we could do with his remains and one of the options included that the hospital would send him to be cremated free of charge with a funeral home they work with. So we were blessed in not having to deal with all of the logistics when we probably were too numb to, but I thought most major hospitals did something similar. Not sure if you asked at your hospital or not.

[GlamaGal]

Thanks for the advice. I found one of the larger funeral homes here and they are doing it for very reasonable. You'd think the hospital could arrange for that but they didn't. I was given a number to call when I had a funeral home selected.

Last night I was reading medical literature about neural tube defects (NTD). I read that there was a higher risk for those who had a previous early miscarriage (like I did) to have a subsequent NTD baby. It really ticked me off that when I had the m/c in June my OB didn't prescribe a higher folic acid just to be safe (why not?). I know, they don't know, but I bet everyone else who has had something like this looks back and sees where something could have been done different. Then I think, if folic acid 4mg/day is so great at prevention for NTD, why isn't it the standard? I know, I'm not a physician.

We also found that women with NTD-affected pregnancies were significantly more likely than controls to have suffered a miscarriage in the preceding pregnancy.
American Journal of Epidemiology Vol. 152, No. 9 : 823-828
Copyright © 2000 by The Johns Hopkins University School of Hygiene and Public Health

Sully- I noticed that you and some others had their rainbow babies almost a year to the date of their angel babies. If you would, please share how you got through that time when you weren't pregnant, and then when you got that BFP for your rainbow baby- how did you feel and what comforted you (I'll be scared & happy with a BFP)??. I'm having a hard time seeing how I'm going to get through 3 mos. of the high folic acid until we can TTC again. (You all know that it goes without saying that I'm not trying to replace her). Then waiting for several u/s's to confirm all is well. I may have sort of asked this before...sorry if so. I'm just so excited when I see others were able to conceive again in a relatively short amount of time!

Jenah- you are completely right about doing the daily routine. It's hard. I delay my shower until forever just wanting to sit here. We don't get out of bed for a long time either. DD waits with me, drinks her milky, and we watch some cartoons, the Today Show, and/or read books and stack blocks. It's comforting to know I'm "normal" for what's going on.

You guys are priceless. For real.

[jenahdawn]

GG, another thing: We were told to wait 6 months for my body to heal, and the doc didn't think I'd be mentally ready to have a baby right around our loss date. Just a thought. So, don't feel down about yourself if three months come by and you don't feel ready yet. (And we all know you aren't doing it to replace her, one baby never replaces another)~~~Did you name her?

The day-to-day "normal" stuff sucks. Like I mentioned in the last thread, whenever I learn of someone's loss, I want to shout from a rooftop, "WHY IS THE WORLD JUST GOING ON?!?!?! A child has died. His or her parents are in pain and cannot move forward!"

[Sully130]

Glamagal - To answer your question, I had to go back and read my journal (LJ) to remember what I was feeling. Without looking at it, that time is such a blur. I wrote this about a month before we "tried":
I'm scared that I won't get pregnant, but I'm terrified that I might.
And then this:
But the bottom line is I'm scared to death of getting a BFP. Don't get me wrong, I want one more than anything...I want to be pregnant more than anything, and I'd do anything for a healthy child (anything reasonable, that is). But the "what ifs" are overwhelming. What if I have another miscarriage? Or worse, what if I make it into the second trimester again and have to relive the same horrid nightmare? What if I can't get pregnant for months at all? Or years?

And this next quote is really long, and please forgive me if it's too much, but I think it shows a lot about the evolution of how I felt. I can tell you it took me months of lots of deep thought to arrive at this point, but I think I did pretty well at following through with my plans. I wrote this a few days before I conceived my son.
With my last pregnancy, I was so guarded for the first trimester. But when I lost Hannah, did that help me at all? No. If anything, it made me feel guilty that in the short time I was able to carry her, I neglected to give her the full excitement and love she deserved. With both pregnancies, when we got the BFP it was not a happy moment. With the first, it was unplanned and though I was thrilled, I knew DH wasn't ready. So I was terrified when the two lines popped up. And with the last one, I had been spotting for several days and I just knew I would miscarry again, so DH and I were quite ambivalent about it all.

And the truth is, it didn't save me from one ounce of sadness or grief. If anything, it added to it. So the next time I get a BFP, I'm jumping for joy. And if I don't, please remind me I should. I owe it to my child. I owe it to myself. The thing about pregnancy is that in the beginning, we are all the same. It all starts with a positive test. Who knows what will happen in that next moment, but for that moment, you are pregnant. And you should celebrate it. I should celebrate it. There aren't many moments like that in our lives. We should cherish them.

Later on, my pregnancy distinguished itself from that of the "normal" people. But not at that moment. So until the time comes when someone or something tells me I am different, I'm going to be blissfully happy and unaware. I want to be and I hope and pray I can be. We can erect all of the shields of protection and self-defense that we want...but when the time comes, there is nothing that can guard us from pain and grief. So why bother? I guess that's why there is the saying "live for the moment." Please make sure I do.


During the time I wasn't pregnant, I thought about what had happened and I can't say I tried to make "sense" of it all (I came to the conclusion that not everything happens for a reason), but I had to come to an understanding that allowed me some peace with everything. But ultimately I longed to be pregnant again, and my main reason was because I felt so incredibly out of control of my life and I needed to be in control of something. To me, getting pregnant was at least somewhat in my control (in the sense that I decided when I would try). And beyond that, I didn't want the loss of my daughter to define me. It will always be part of who I am, and I'm grateful for that, but I don't want it to be who I am.

It was very scary making the decision to try and then when I got the BFP, I had to keep reminding myself to be happy and believe that everything was going to be okay. Ultimately, I just had to take it one day at a time. That's all you can do. Cross each bridge as you arrive at it...try not to worry too much about tomorrow.

Please excuse the book.

[jennylou]

Updated to here.

funeral homes - we had to make our own arrangements. DHs Aunt called (she lost a teenage son) and set the appointment for us. I don't know about any of you, but calling and telling people what happened was horrible for us. So, then we went in and picked a casket. We had just gotten our tax return back the month or so prior - guess what it went towards. Funeral costs. Not the kitchen cabinets and fun baby stuff I'd planned for, that's for sure. :( We used a family plot, so we didn't have to pay for the plot too.

milk - that was one of the worst things for me. I wanted to BF so badly, and then to be dripping with milk for seven weeks was awful. It would not go away. I tried cabbage, cold meds, etc - nothing worked, except the clomid. I never knew that it had that side effect, but it's right there on the labeling.

[jenahdawn]

Wow. I guess I took for granted how great our hospital was. They are in contact with one of the funeral homes in town who will do the cremation for free, you only have to pay $50 for paperwork/admin fees. They will spread the ashes for free (which is what we did, but I think I regret now) or they will give discounts on urns. Otherwise, you have to buy a plot. One of the monument places in town will donate stones for infant loss. Once we said yes, they took care of everything.

But I remember BAWLING the day we got the bill in the mail and it said "For the Cremation of Daughters Catherine Rose Lastname and Chloe Dawn Lastname"

STILL makes me tear up.

[jeggink]

Glamagal Lots of HUGS right now, I am thinking of you!

We had to pick our own funeral home as well. We were told of one nearby that had done this for them before, but we had to make the arrangements. It was so hard sitting in the funeral home making all the arrangements and saying what we wanted and didn't, I was crying so hard while there. I think it cost $50 for us as well, just to cover fees and such for paperwork.

pocahontas I think this was you asking in another thread about having the loss and the 2nd baby around the same time. If it isn't I'm sorry. I can tell you it is hard. I was praying that Alex wasn't born on Kayla's birth date and thank god he wasn't, I am not sure what I would have done. I had actually wanted to wait longer than the 3 months we did but it just kinda happened as we weren't being careful enough. All I can say is make sure you give yourself enough time to grieve. For me I would have preferred to wait a bit longer. With all the complications I had during this last pg, my body probably needed a bit longer as well to heal from all the complications I had with the Kayla and the miscarriages. You will know when the time is right and each person is different.

Milk Mine also came in but the engorgement only lasted about a week. I found that nothing really helped with me so I just wore a sports bra and just let it happen and go away. For me hot showers were fantastic.

[GlamaGal]

Sully and jeggink, thanks for the info re: having your babies near the 1 yr. anniversary of your loss. I'm not sure how I'll feel in three months, but I have to be on 4 mg of folic acid for three months before we TTC, so it's a built-in waiting period. I feel hope when I see other's losses are near in time to bearing a healthy child.

I picked up my 4mg folic acid Rx today. I feel a little more guided now.

I have a horrible sore throat. It started before surgery and the gen. anesthesia exacerbated it and I feel my ears starting to ache. This doesn't suck in and of itself. What sucks is every time I cry about my daughter (the hard, deep, catch your breath cry), it hurts so bad in my throat. I wish I had more Tylenol with codeine.

So I completed the paperwork today at the funeral home and picked out an urn. I held myself together pretty darn well there. Then DH came home for just a bit and mentioned that our friend's expecting twins were at their peri's for the every 2 wk. u/s and they mentioned what happened to us. The peri stated, "that should have been caught at a 10 wk. u/s". Well, they're high-risk so they get lots of u/s. At my OB, we get one to confirm pg (~6wk.) and one at the 18 - 20 wk. mark. I called their peri's office to see if I could get in as a patient. He only accepts high-risk patients, which the receptionist defined as diabetic, hypertension, high blood pressure, >35, etc. I should have asked, "well what about a person with a NTD baby?" But I didn't (I'm tired of talking about it). When DH stopped back home he said for me to call back and ask. I said, "you know, I'm tired of doing all of this myself." Then he said he'd call and he left and I cried (more throat pain). Sometimes I wish he was as upset as me about this. I guess he is in his own way.

Jenah, today when she asked if I had a name for the baby (even tho they don't file death cert's for babies <20 wk. gestation) I felt like I should have named her. But we weren't planning on finding out the sex at all. So we had no names because we have way different opinions on names. I guess what I'm saying is, since we didn't have any names, I didn't just want to pick a name that I hadn't had my heart set on.

What do I need to do to see an RE? OR Do you have suggestions on who I should see: peri v. RE, etc.? I feel dumb when I call an office and I don't know how I would need to qualify to see someone. I go to my OB where I've been for 14 years. I didn't even know what peri's were until last week.

Tomorrow he booked a sitter so we can attend a party. I want to go, but I don't want to go. They know what happened but that doesn't mean all of their friends will. I have anxiety. I haven't even had a drink since early August. I think when I have a drink I'll have to admit to myself that it's over. I'm not pregnant. She's gone (throat pain again). I'm tired of crying.

[jenahdawn]

GG, you can name her whatever you want whenever you want. And don't feel bad about it.

(Gotta run, someone's basinett MUST be eating her alive!)

[pocahontas]

Sully- I noticed that you and some others had their rainbow babies almost a year to the date of their angel babies. Yeah, I had noticed that too. I thought...wow, that's pretty magical. Almost like your angel baby had something to do with giving you another healthy baby so close to his/her birthday. I realize for many folx it wasn't planned that way...but I guess that just adds to the eerieness of how it happened.

Wow. I guess I took for granted how great our hospital was. They are in contact with one of the funeral homes in town who will do the cremation for free, you only have to pay $50 for paperwork/admin fees. They will spread the ashes for free (which is what we did, but I think I regret now) or they will give discounts on urns.
JENAH...I completely agree with the regret. I, too, told them initially to just scatter the ashes (they said they'd be scattered in some garden) because I was to numb to think of what to do otherwise and I know DH said he couldn't deal with seeing an urn every day in the house. But I guess they have a lot of people who change their minds once they regain some composure. So they told me that the funeral home would hold the ashes for 30 days after cremation before they scattered them. When I got home and thought better of it I had DH call them and tell them we'd come pick them up ASAP because once I had my senses back again I realized the thought of my little boy out in some garden far from me made me sad all over again. That was why we decided to do what Judy did with scattering at DH's dad/grandad's plot, but now DH is thinking of putting them in the soil of a plant pot where we are planning to plant a Red Maple that our Regional Vice President and his wife gave us the seeds for when we lost DS. It was a nice gift pack designed by people who lost 2 children and it came with the maple seeds, a memory book for DS, and some other things.



pocahontas I think this was you asking in another thread about having the loss and the 2nd baby around the same time. If it isn't I'm sorry. I can tell you it is hard. I was praying that Alex wasn't born on Kayla's birth date and thank god he wasn't, I am not sure what I would have done. I had actually wanted to wait longer than the 3 months we did but it just kinda happened as we weren't being careful enough. All I can say is make sure you give yourself enough time to grieve. For me I would have preferred to wait a bit longer. With all the complications I had during this last pg, my body probably needed a bit longer as well to heal from all the complications I had with the Kayla and the miscarriages. You will know when the time is right and each person is different.

For me hot showers were fantastic.Funny how everyone is different because hot showers for me were the worst. That was when I leaked. :(

And although it wasn't me asking about the timing of the rainbow baby (it was GLAMA) I am glad you answered because I had been noticing that about many of the members of this thread...and was curious about it too.

[jenahdawn]

We were there when they scattered their ashes, but now I have this sense that I can never move away because I'd be leaving them.

Who was it that was moving or could be moving soon? Judi?

How have you coped? (We have no plans on moving, but I was just wondering)

Also, how have all of you coped with the idea that a "family picture" is just not complete? With Lilly here now, people say, "Oh, we want a family picture" and I just want to scream. I wanted to scream at my parents' birthday party in Feb when someone said, "ALL the grandkids in a picture with the grandparents" IT WASN'T ALL OF THE GRANDKIDS!!!!

(Ella, the elephant we got for them and who I have slept with every night since we lost them, sat in for them by proxy, but I couldn't even be in the same room.)

[clzj]

JennyLou-Can you update me to having a Rainbow CC on 5/8/07.

GG-I lost a child 2 years ago. I still do not know what we lost and the baby's name is Baby Last Name. We have everything to know what it is but have not looked. I was pg for the 1 yr anniversy. It helped get us through that mark.

You all will think this is cute. I have a 4 year old son and he has seen the March of Dimes commericals, the other day he said ours made it 9 months and then asked if we had one die. I told him yes. He asked if Anastasia was a replacement and I told him kind of. Then he asked where the baby we lost was. I still need to show him that. He was 2.5 years when I lost the baby. I think he remembers. not sure.

[pocahontas]

Meant to post this yesterday, gals. Sorry it's late but hopefully a few of you will see it and have your candles ready. Mine is sitting here on the table in front of me.

DEAR ABBY: The holidays are one of the most difficult times of the year for families mourning the death of a child. A time of festivity becomes instead one of great emptiness and sadness.

I would like to make the tens of thousands of bereaved families who read your column aware of the Worldwide Candle Lighting sponsored by The Compassionate Friends, a non-profit self-help bereavement organization with 600 chapters in the United States, and a national presence in nearly 30 countries around the world.
The Worldwide Candle Lighting is held at 7 p.m. local time for one hour on the second Sunday in December (this year, Dec. 9), creating a 24-hour wave of light in remembrance of all children who have died, no matter their age or the cause of death. Also available that day at The Compassionate Friends Web site will be a remembrance book where visitors can post a message in memory of the child who died.

Last year, nearly 375 formal services were held in the United States by chapters of The Compassionate Friends, allied organizations and bereaved parent groups in all 50 states, Washington, D.C., and Puerto Rico, and this year Dear Abby readers are invited to participate. Services will also be held throughout Canada and more than a dozen countries abroad.

Anyone who is unable or who doesn't wish to attend a formal service is welcome to light a candle in their home and share this time with family and friends. -- PATRICIA LODER, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS, USA

DEAR PATRICIA: I'm pleased to help you spread the word. Your worthwhile organization has helped, and continues to help, grieving families through the darkest period of their lives.

Readers, check for a local candle lighting by visiting The Compassionate Friends Web site at www.compassionatefriends.org or by calling toll-free: (877) 969-0010.

I hope this ceremony will make the holidays a little easier for bereaved families, not only in this country, but also around the world who have lost a child. The Candle Lighting is held in remembrance of their little angels

[pixielou]

i hope y'all don't mind me popping in to ask a quick questions. i'm just wondering how many of you received birth certificates for your children? we didn't receive a birth certificate for our daughter since she wasn't alive when she was born. we just received her death certificate. and i'm still having trouble "getting over" that. and i'm just wondering if it's an issue with the hospital i used, or if it's common practice.

~pixie

[Kimmiebride]

We only got a comemorative certificate with his footprints and his stats on it. Come to think of it, they never gave us a birth certificate for Josh either... I need to check into that.

I wasn't home for the candle lighting. Thinking of all our angels today - the little stars in the sky burning bright.
Kimmie

[jenahdawn]

i hope y'all don't mind me popping in to ask a quick questions. i'm just wondering how many of you received birth certificates for your children? we didn't receive a birth certificate for our daughter since she wasn't alive when she was born. we just received her death certificate. and i'm still having trouble "getting over" that. and i'm just wondering if it's an issue with the hospital i used, or if it's common practice.

~pixie


With Kim, we only got commemorative, since it was before 20 weeks.

But what you have said above just irritates the crap out of me! HOW can you get a D/C without getting a B/C FIRST?!?!?

Pix, maybe check with the hospital or city or county you live in for a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. No idea what state you are in, but if you google that phrase, you may be able to find out more information.

[jenahdawn]

http://www.missingangelsbill.org/stchart.html

Check there....

[jennylou]

They didn't give us Andrew's birth certificate, just like they didn't give us N's. But, since he was a live birth, I can go down and pay for the BC at the county health dept, just like I did for N. I did receive a SS Card for A b/c they automatically file those for the parents.

pixie - you are not intruding at all - feel free to post...

[LDS Angel 19]

Somehow I missed that we had a new thread....

our stats need updating too....


LDS Angel 19
Me: Michelle, 24
DH: Aaron: 25
Married: September 4th, 2004
Angel: Allison Grace, June 17th, 2005 22wks, 6dys.
Cause of Loss: PTL/IC
TTC: September 2005
Miscarriage June 06
Rainbow babies Megan and Natalie, 6/18/07, born at 34 weeks after a cerclage and 8 weeks hospital bedrest.

Things are ok here. I still hate the holidays. I'm starting to think I will for the rest of my life.

would post more but I hear someone waking up.... take care everyone.

[jeggink]

pixielou We received a birth and death certificate, but Kayla was born alive, so that may be one difference. I also don't understand how you can get a death cert without a birth cert :confused:!

Jenah We aren't moving but we spread Kayla's ashes where Dan's parents live, ~6 hrs away. We don't visit often because of that.

[pocahontas]

pixielou We received a birth and death certificate, but Kayla was born alive, so that may be one difference. I also don't understand how you can get a death cert without a birth cert :confused:!

Our baby boy was also born alive and I was under the impression that had he been born still we wouldn't have gotten a b/c either. But they did stress to us that could get a b/c and d/c (which cost like $31 for both I believe) and gave us the number to call to get them because they told us we could claim any child born alive on our 2007 taxes even if he was no longer living. :confused: Go figure...that's exactly what we were thinking about at that very moment after holding our dead son. :rolleyes: Maybe also we got one because he was 24 and a half weeks. Not sure.

[jenahdawn]

Judi, THAT'S it. I couldn't remember....

Poca, yep. Because the ONLY thing you are thinking is about a write off....idiots. But, as long as they take 1 breath, they are "valid" as living beings. (There's a woman in our BPSG~bereaved parent support group~who is almost manic about that, so I won't get into it...)

[GlamaGal]

clzj- I had to know. DH didn't want to but that was too bad b/c I didn't know if I COULD know later if I didn't found out in that sono (aka the day from hell). At least you have yours there, if and when you're ready to look.

The funeral director phrased the d/c like this, "we don't have to file a d/c for under 20 wk." I guess I could have asked but for me it didn't matter.

LDS- I'm with you. Holidays will NEVER be the same again.

Last night I went off on DH b/c it's like this: when I've cried in front of him (besides the day from hell and the day of the D&E- also a day from hell) he just says to think positive, move on, focus on DD (duh, she's the only thing that keeps me going right now), get it out of my mind. I said, it's four days later, let me have my mourning!! So I said, well, I'm going downstairs where I can cry by myself. My emotions seem to plummet by the end of the day, b/c I have put up a good front most of the day and by the end I just need to let it out. I wanted some comfort from him and instead I get someone just too positive. It's like he can't bear to see me cry but too bad. He tells me to stay off the internet and quit reading about neural tube defects, etc. and I tell him his ignorance must be bliss. There are no problems in our marriage, and we're fine, but gosh for once I just wanted him to say, yeah, it hurts bad for me too. B/c he's the only one I have who should "get it". He finally did admit it is hard...he's just different than me. I wish I could close it out but I just can't yet. I know there won't be any comfort until I'm pregnant again, and we've gotten all the tests done and then maybe I can relax- a bit. I won't be the same until I hold another child in my arms and he/she is healthy and comes home. I feel like the brokenhearted kid who just found out Santa is imaginary. Something has been stolen from me, and nothing can make it right. I just have to get used to that.

Something else that ticks me off is how some people just totally avoid saying anything to you. Can't they call and say sorry and if I want to talk about it just let me? I mean, I need to vent, clearly. I do have one dear friend who was in the same boat, and she understands. Man, at least I have that. And here.

[Sully130]

Glamagal - As for this:
Something else that ticks me off is how some people just totally avoid saying anything to you. Can't they call and say sorry and if I want to talk about it just let me?
I was so glad my Mom (who lost a daughter, my sister, when she was 13 days old) prepared me for this. She told me how much it hurt her that so many said nothing frankly because they didn't know what to say. She told me a story about how soon after she was at the grocery store and she saw a friend there with her son (a child...probably about 6 years old). She saw her friend looking down, trying to act as if she didn't see my mom. The kid saw my mom and ran over to her, much to her "friend's" horror and said, "I heard your baby died. That is so sad." My mom said that child's saying something meant more to her than she could say. At least someone acknowledged it. She said the "friend" rushed over, and apologized for her child's bluntness, but mom told her she appreciated it.

One of my best friends was kind of distant after my DD died. She called, but she'd get all nervous and end up saying she needed to go. Finally about the third time she called she said, "I'm sorry...I just don't know what to say." I told her that all I needed to hear is that people are sorry and they are here for me. And then she just listened. But most people just feel so sad and uncomfortable about it...and they cannot imagine going through something so horrible...so they say nothing (which is the worst thing they can do in my opinion).

Try not to take it personally. But I know it hurts.

Oh, and as for your DH...as I've said before, men and women grieve differently. Plain and simple. It's too hard to even try to understand.

Birth/death certificates - We filled out the information for a birth certificate prior to my daughter's birth. But they told me if she was stillborn it wouldn't be filed. She was. They said they used to do some type of "Certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth" or something but they had too many people who tried to use it to file with their taxes and claim and exemption. Terrible, I know. So we got a memory book that they made with her name and handprints and footprints and such.

[1_mommy]

I just wanted to thank you for the poems. My friend found out yesterday the autopsy couldn't really determine what was wrong with her baby girl. There was an infection in the placenta, but they don't think that is what caused it.

I have to say reading your posts has made me even more aware of her feelings, and i really don't know what to say to her, but i want to make sure i am here for her if she does need someone to talke too.

[jenahdawn]

1 mommy, how frustrating for her. I know, it's so hard when you don't know what happened or why it happened. You live in fear that it will or could happen again.

All you need to tell her is what you just told us. No need to be elloquent. She will understand and appreciate it.

[GlamaGal]

1 mommy, thanks for updating us. I feel for her. No answers to something so devastating. Well, it doesn't really matter because similar to what jenahdawn said, even when you have an answer (I did) you still live in the panic that it could happen again. I wish her the best. I wish some of my friends would research how to reach out to me.

I'm doing much better lately. I started sleeping with the bear that the chaplain at the hospital gave us. I guess I felt it was "time" to accept it. I think also it's nice to have our annual vacation starting on Sunday. I look forward to seeing my daughter have so much fun swimming. It'll be nice to have a change of scenery.

I got out of the house today to go to our little gym class. I had switched days. It was still hard though b/c the owner is pg. But, I got through it!

Thanks for everyone's positive sharing. Sully, somehow my reply a few days ago must not have posted, but what you shared helped a lot. It's amazing how just a little nudge from someone who's been there can really make you feel like you will be okay.

[pixielou]

thank you for the input re: birth certificates. it's not that i want/need a birth certificate - it's the whole how can you have a death certificate without a birth certificate? thingy that annoys me. i just need to stop blaming the hospital and just get over this. it's over and done with, there is nothing i can do to change it, having a birth certificate doesn't change what happened. so i just need to let go and get on with my life (but i'll wait a coupel more weeks until i do that)

thanks.

~pixie

[GlamaGal]

I posted about this over in the m/c thread, but wanted to add that I had a terrific "interview" today with my OBGYN about how she'll handle a future pg. She allotted extra time for us today, she was genuinely sorry about what happened, and she told me (w/out me asking) that she will drag in the u/s cart every week so I can see the baby. That she'll do whatever next time so that I am comfortable and as near to anxiety-free as I can be.

She is setting up a pre-conception genetic counseling appt. for us in January to make us feel assured that we're doing all we can do to have a healthy baby next time. She also advised that we do the AFP at 15 w 0 days so we'll have the info sooner and even do an amnio at that time as well, which will tell us w/out a doubt that the baby is free of a NTD (and all sorts of other things). I feel so much better to have a plan.

We do have to wait to TTC for three months so I have three month's worth of high folic acid in my system. That's probably a good amount of time to wait given that is what most of you ended up doing as well. The OB commented that I am doing really well with this, that often women don't and it often breaks up a marriage. At least there are some positives going on lately.;)

Thanks again for being so supportive. I am sure it's hard for you to do b/c it must bring up all sorts of emotions, but it really means the world to me.

[pocahontas]

Glad to hear about your OB's plan of action, GLAMA. Sounds very similar to my OB who I met with a week ago and she was very concerned about the next pregnancy and told DH and I that I'd be on bedrest at 18 weeks, have a cerclage, and she'd take the baby at 36 weeks via C-section so as not to give me any chances to go into labor and risk uterine rupture which I feel comfortable with. She also let DH and I kinda vent and ask as many questions as we wanted about our issues with the way things went down the night of my son's birth. Isn't it reassuring when you have an OB that is genuine?

Ladies, please don't kill me if I asked this already in those first few weeks pp because I have probably forgotten since I was still kind of in a fog. But I don't think I did. Can you tell me how long it took AF to come back after your loss? I bled for 3 weeks pp but yesterday made 5 weeks pp. So the bleeding has been over for awhile. I am NOT looking forward to her reappearance since it will really bring me back down to earth that there is no baby in there keeping her away. I know it will hit me hard. :( So I am not wishing her back believe me! But I am curious to know how long it was for all of you. TIA!

[jenahdawn]

poca,

I can't remember 100%, but when it DID start up again (I think I bled for 4 weeks, then it came 4 weeks later) I was immediately back on schedule. My body has always been textbook...it's creepy. (Only two times I've ever missed were pregnancies)

GG: Good! Yay for a doc who is sympathetic and will listen!!!

You brought up a point I've wondered about:

How has everyone's marriages been? I feel losing the girls DEFINITELY brought the two of us closer, and we were close before. I know in our BPS group, there are a few couples who are struggling, but I don't know of any divorces.

[Ericka_Jarett]

pixie - little late in replying, but I did get the death certificate from the funeral director and then went and paid for Rebekah's birth certificate. At the municipal building they noticed that the top said "Child expired" and she asked if I got a death certificate.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenny - my stat update:

Ericka_Jarett - Ericka, 33
DH: Jarett, 30
Married: December 14, 2001
Angel: Rebekah Joy, born April 18, 2005 at 24 weeks, with us 71 mins.
Cause of Loss: chorioamnionitis (placenta infection), possible cervical incompetence as well
Pregnant Again: January 30, 2006
Rainbow Baby: Easton Robert born 9/5/06
Twin Girls: Julianna Grace and Katelyn Elizabeth born 10/23/07

[jenahdawn]

Just wanted to say I'm having a bad day. Or a rough few days. I'm making a scrapbook for the girls and I've been crying while doing a lot of it. And I'm also having a hard time that he doesn't want to look at it. He doesn't like looking at pictures of the girls. I know he cannot be forced, but it's not just their pictures in it. I'm putting a lot of work and...you guys get it.

Tell me I'm not crazy...please?

[GlamaGal]

You're not crazy. I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I swear, why did God wire men so differently from us? Maybe eventually he'll be able to look at the beautiful book you're making. I think as mothers we just can't part with them, we need to make sure no one forgets and we need to do something so that we still include them in our lives.

DH just closes out stuff like that, too. He knew I picked up DDs cremains Friday and he just looked around to find where I put them and then when I pointed that was that. No talk about it. I'm sure he'll never open the memory box and look at her footprints like I do. Once was enough apparently.

Yesterday we got to FL where my in-laws are. FIL has been battling an illness that he will likely recover from but takes time. Well, they did not tell him that we lost the baby and my DH didn't tell ME that FIL didn't know. So we went to visit FIL yesterday and MIL stayed with DD. FIL asks me how I am and then says "well, we don't have any names yet, do we?" I wanted to run out of that room so fast. I cried for him, for having to learn about this. Just when you thin you've turned a corner and you're getting better. I think being here makes me realize even more that life is so unfair with the loss of our baby and this illness FIL has.

[jenahdawn]

THEY DIDN'T TELL HIM?!?!?!

Oh, honey....every time we ran into someone who didn't know, it was like going through it all over again, but your FIL? I can't imagine!

[Ericka_Jarett]

That's ashame that no one told him. It's a hard thing to break to someone, but we did similar with my dad about a family member, so I can understand the possible reason why.

I have to say though when my dad was sick, my grandmother passed away. He asked me how she was and since my mom didn't want to tell him and have him get worse again, I said she is good (she is, she is in Heaven and free of pain now) My dad unfortunately passed just about 6 weeks after that and he never knew that she passed away. We always think how he must have been surprised when he got to Heaven and saw her there.

[GlamaGal]

Ericka, Jenah-

I know! It so is like re-living it all over again. I don't know why? I think I'm just over-sensitive to others feelings. Well, this is his third stint in the hospital and he is so sick (he has not had any nutrition by mouth for 5 weeks as part of his treatment- strange as it sounds) & depressed about it that they thought this would just make him think, "nothing will get better- life sucks- it's not fair", etc. He so loves DD and she is someone he is looking forward to being with the next month. He keeps having setbacks: blood clot, fevers, etc. This would be seen as a huge one.

I wouldn't care, but, I wish DH would have had the courtesy to tell me so I could have braced myself. Sometimes DH doesn't think about ME & MY feelings enough. I love him, but, geesh. I feel like glass somedays. Don't handle me too roughly...hold on tightly to me.

I am trying to get into Christmas by embracing my DDs zest for life!

[GlamaGal]

Ericka, I think your story is so touching. I'm so sorry about your dad and your grandma. I think DH (b/c he is a sensitive man and that's why I love him so) is secretly afraid his dad will never get better. So he's scared to add anything to the situation b/c what if? He'd always wonder if that's what made him "turn for the worse".
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I have to share what else has been going on. It's embarrassing but where else can I share? To preface this, my dad and mom are divorced, after 26 yr. and he was just at my DDs bday party and told my mom we acted as if we could have cared less he was there. She explained we were dealing with the loss of our child (my goodness, I was still carrying her!). Since then, my dad has called several times in an attempt for me to confide in him. I don't confide in him about most things, why would I on something so deeply painful? Anyhow, he's depressed right now (has a history of this) and he is trying to use me as one of his lean ons like I usually am, but right now I can't be that person. He's choked up twice when he's called to check up on "me". This last time, right after the great follow-up with my OB who said I was "doing great, much better than some of the other women she's seen in similar situations", he called and I picked up because I thought, maybe whatever he's trying to "be" for me will be fulfilled and he can feel satisfied he "helped me". He tells me to remember my faith (I do, it keeps me hanging on). He then tells me a story about a pastor and his wife who had two sets of children, the latter numbering six. They got in a wreck and all 6 younger kids died (parents lived). At a press conference the parents simply stated, "Praise God in all things." So he says...brace yourselves..."they lost six kids, honey, and you just lost a little baby (or was it itty baby). Ok?" OHHHHH, so my pain should be much less, eh????!!!!!!! Then he choked up and we hung up. I called my DH and we almost laughed, like, what the f????? Later he called my mom & brother and I guess worried about what he said to me. Then he called me again but I was vaccuuming and I didn't hear. He left a message that said he probably told the story wrong and then went on and on about how upset he and my grandpa are about this.
I never asked for you to say anything, Dad, just say you're sorry and please don't make me comfort you. UGH. I would explain this all to him, but, he just argues and tries to make you see his side. Right now I don't care about his side. I need to take care of me.

Sorry for the long vent!

[Kimmiebride]

Jenah, my dh hasn't looked at Robert's photos either. I am strangely ok with that, as I feel like I have him all to myself in that regard. I have his things in an envelope in my office, and I "check in on him" whenever I want to. We went to a birthday party for an old friend on his angel day. There was a moment when DH just looked at Josh and I and started to cry. I know he was thinking about Robert.

Glama, I just don't understand why people just can't realize you can't be the comforter after what you have endured. It's hard enough losing her, but being faced with the situation with your DH's dad, and all that stuff is just so much. That's a very poignant analogy... feeling like a glass. Really explains it!

Me: I have been on the anti-depressants for a couple of weeks, and am doing much better. I actually haven't cried much at all recently. I don't feel numb either, which was something I was worried about. I feel like I can survive the holidays much better with this help. I am not in the holiday spirit though, and don't have a tree up. I bought a little one that we can plant when we're done. My mom arrives on the 25th, and I am looking forward to having her here. I am sure it will liven up the place, and she can't wait to get her hands on Josh.
Take care ladies!
Kimmie

[jenahdawn]

I love that, checking in on him! I'll have to think about the girls' box that way!

G, in high school, one of my classmates and her brother and sister (she was the youngest) got into an accident and the brother and sister were killed instantly. She died the next day, they kept her on life support to donate her organs. If someone ever said to me, "But their kids were grown..." I'd SMACK them!

[meggers]

A friend of DH from high school just had a late term pregnancy loss. She was 5.5 months pregnant, developed severe toxemia and they had to take the baby. She was in critical condition in the ICU but is doing better now and should be going home tomorrow. We are definitely sending her and her husband a card but I really would like to do more. I had two thoughts: 1) Order food from the internet to be delivered at their home. 2) Get a gift certificate to myforeverchild.com so they can pick out a nice keepsake for themselves. Is there one that would be better than the other?

[jenahdawn]

Both are great ideas. Personally, I'd do the second. It's a lasting reminder. I love anything that has my girls' names or is in memory of my girls.

[pocahontas]

All of my girlfriends got together and did the food thing for DH and I. It was such an awesome surprise...I had no idea when I got the call telling me I didn't have to cook dinner for the next 3 nights and that food would be catered to my door at 5pm. I think that you could go with either of your choices and it would be fine but I know I really appreciated that as one less thing I had to worry about. Apparently, my local friends had raised so much money, however, that there was some left over after the catering and they gave me a spa gift certificate (which I went and redeemed for a much needed massage and facial and wouldn't you know...my facial girl was PREGNANT OF ALL THINGS! :rolleyes: But I digress...) I don't know if your friend is the kind who would appreciate getting away in a few weeks when things calm down and getting a massage, but I just thought I'd throw that out there as well.

[GlamaGal]

Meggers, I just can't get over the reason you're friend lost her baby. Ugh. Mothers blame themselves enough. My heart breaks for her. I think either are nice. I didn't feel a bit like cooking so it was nice to have my mom do it. Others offered and we declined. Otherwise, I wouldn't have ate at all. I know another thing I appreciated more than anything was just having someone to listen to me.

FIL was told today before he was discharged. He cried then but I wasn't there. Tonight ILs good friends came to see FIL, they did not know and when DH told them, FIL cried- the big, open mouth cry. I feel so bad for him and I guess I appreciate to know he was that upset. That's weird. I am so affected by it...I guess when others are that deeply it acknowledges that we DID lose a BABY, our child.

Jenah, did you get/buy anything that you are fond of to remind you of your daughters? I don't know what to get myself but I need something. When DD was born, DH got me a pink shoe from Aaron Basha, so "for now" it is for both of them. No one else knows that but me.

[jenahdawn]

GG, the first thing we bought was this Willow Tree figurine, called "Two Alike":

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31BYG49M2HL._AA280_.jpg

Then, the local girls got us a stepping stone for our garden:

http://pics.livejournal.com/jenahdawn/pic/00059fef/s320x240

And a brick at the local botanical gardens (that's Ella in the picture, the elephant I have talked about before):

http://pics.livejournal.com/jenahdawn/pic/0006wtfk/s320x240

And I got myself this (pink sapphires~Sept birthstone, set in rose gold) as a reminder:

http://pics.livejournal.com/jenahdawn/pic/000e40xf/s320x240
http://pics.livejournal.com/jenahdawn/pic/000e3rc5/s320x240

[meggers]

Thank you so much for your opinions. No one should have to go through what you guys have had to go through. I think I'm going to get my friend a gift certificate to myforeverchild.com unless you guys have suggestions for another place that would be good. My only issue now is that their gift certificates expire 6 months from being issued. That doesn't seem very long. I don't know how long it takes to be ready to buy a keepsake like that. Would it be good to wait a few months to buy it for her? If I wait to but it for her for a few months, then it will be close to her due date. Would it be upsetting to get something like that right around your due date?

[GlamaGal]

Meggers, I think she'll be ready before 6 mos. Possibly include a printed out photo of some things you thought would be lovely, but that you didn't/couldn't pick. It'll get her started. I keep thinking about her.

Jenah- thanks for the great ideas. I love what you picked out/got. I especially love the stepping stone. I'm an avid gardener...maybe I'll do one similar.

[jenahdawn]

Got a message on our answering machine from my old best friend. (He and I met when we were 6, we got really close in HS and were roommates in college) I haven't talked to him since last summer (2006) when we were 12 weeks with the girls. (He is a twin himself) I've left him a message to call me back.

How do you tell your former best friend that your children are dead? And why am I so scared or nervous about it?

[GlamaGal]

Jenah, I've asked myself same. Every time I have to talk to someone that I haven't talked to since she died (I emailed the news to close friends), I choke up & relive it. I still haven't talked to most of my good friends just because, I know I'll cry. Maybe because I (we) feel the need to tell them what happened, exactly, and how we felt about it, because, as our friend, they should know?

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenah - I had to tell my ex boyfriend that I lost Rebekah after having sent him an email telling him I was pregnant back in March with a girl. He had finally written me back and said Congratulations on your daughter. I wrote him back and said thanks for the Congrats, but unfortunately we lost her back on April 18th. He wrote back that he was so sad and sorry to hear that. (He never wanted kids and made it quite clear while we were dating, so didn't expect much of a reaction, so he surprised me a little.

[pocahontas]

Got a message on our answering machine from my old best friend. (He and I met when we were 6, we got really close in HS and were roommates in college) I haven't talked to him since last summer (2006) when we were 12 weeks with the girls. (He is a twin himself) I've left him a message to call me back.

How do you tell your former best friend that your children are dead? And why am I so scared or nervous about it?
Great question, Jenah. I just wrestled with this myself because one of my old best friends from H.S. made me godmother to her daughter many years ago (got pregnant in college). Anyway, last month this godchild of mine had her Sweet 16 party which I was invited to in early October but told the mom I couldn't come because I was pregnant (they live back home 400 miles away) and my OB had frown upon my last trip (in summer when my ankles swelled to CANKLES. :rolleyes:) So there would be no more travel for me. Now her mom and I aren't really as close as we used to be (to the point where I sent her an announcement about the baby with the baby's website and she NEVER once visited to sign the guestbook). But the point is my goddaughter's birthday was just days before we lost our son and I never mailed her birthday card and gift because of course it was not even on my radar in those first few weeks following DS's birth. Needless to say, I'm sure her mom is pissed and wondering why if I couldn't make the party at least I could have acknowledged the day with a card or something. So I finally sat down and penned a letter to my goddaughter explaining everything (hope she doesn't cry when she reads it), put it in the birthday card with some money and sent it off Friday. I know by the time she gets it DH and I will be in Vegas vacationing but her mother will probably call me super apologetic.

I say that to say...I just found a letter was the easiest way for me to tell someone about the baby. Even though there are people I told by phone when it first happened just to get it over with (like my 2 BFF one of whom this very thing happened to with her first born, also a boy, so she was like the first one I called.) Other than that though...I found I am much more eloquent if I don't have to say it and can just be non-verbal. Not sure if that will help in your case though since he will be phoning you.

[jenahdawn]

I don't have his address. And I actually did write him a letter....last December...and never mailed it. And I still have it. It's in the girls' memory box.

[sophiapb]

Just popping in to say "Hello!" to everyone.

Jenny, when you get a chance, can you please update my stats? Corinne is listed as my rainbow baby but Elise is missing. That's just too close to what happened to my first pregnancy so if you could include both babies, I would so appreciate it. The info should be as follows:

Elizabeth "Elise" Zoe....12/4/06
5 lbs, 15ozs and measuring 18 1/2 inches, born @ 10:49 am

Corinne Victoria...12/4/06
6 lbs, 6ozs and measuring 19 inches, born @ 10:51 am

[LDS Angel 19]

Just stopping by to say I'm thinking of you ladies and our angels this morning...

[GlamaGal]

I miss my angel so bad. Oh, the Holidays, to make us remember that what we most wanted we didn't get.

Merry Christmas anyway!

[ali_ohli]

Hi, everyone. Just popping in to say I hope the holidays were O.K. for you all. For those who are grieving recent losses, I pray the new year brings peace to you and your families. We lost our angel baby on Dec. 3 of last year, and Christmas and NYE were unbelievably depressing. This year -- as we celebrated Henry's first Christmas -- we just kept shaking our heads, marveling at how much we have to be thankful for. A lot can happen in a year...

[ali_ohli]

Threadmistress, could you please add Henry to my stats? Thank you!

ali_ohli
Me: Ali, 30
DH: Chris, 33
Angel daughter lost at 22 weeks to incompetent cervix in Dec. '06
Rainbow son Henry born Sept. '07

[GlamaGal]

Ali, stories like yours give me hope.

[jenahdawn]

A lot can happen in a year...

In good ways and in bad.

We did the same thing you did. We really didn't celebrate anything in 2006. This year, we stared at Lilly during Christmas Eve mass with tears in our eyes.

[Kimmiebride]

A lot can happen in a year...

isn't that the truth... we were grieving in 2005, pregnant and scared in 2006, and completely amazed and grateful this year. My prayers to all of you who are struggling with the never ending pain this season.
love,
Kimmie

[GlamaGal]

AF arrived on the 28th day after the D&E.

DH leaves today from our vacation and I'm here another 8 days. I'm kind of dreading going home because I'm afraid I'll backslide. I'm also panicking about seeing people in A's music & gym classes- other moms who haven't seen me but knew I was pg. I managed to avoid them for the two weeks before we vacationed, but it's unavoidable when I get home.

How did some of you deal with this? These moms are friends of mine b/c we attend mutual classes for our kids, but I don't talk to them on the phone. I'm thinking they'll just give me a weird look and then figure it out. I need to be prepared for what else could happen.

[pocahontas]

I found with my neighbors who saw me almost everyday that they actually weren't bold enough to ask me once they saw me again (although I'm sure they were confused and not quite sure because when my belly was big the weather was still warm out and I wasn't wearing a coat but now with a winter coat they may have perhaps noticed I didn't look big but didn't wanna stare to find out if it was just hiding under my bulky winter attire.) So those women may not say anything to you out of shear fear of what to say. With my next door neighbor who is a nurse at the very hospital I delivered I haven't said anything to her and won't until she gets up the nerve to ask. But I did found out with my downstairs neighbors that they finally asked my husband the other night when they saw him come in and he broke the news to them. So a lot of the moms in your group may opt not to open their mouths because they simply don't want to pry or are at a loss for words. My policy was...if they don't ask, I won't be bringing it up either.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I was working in a rather small office when I ha Rebekah. Most were at lunch but I did tell one of the ladies to please tell the boss that I had to leave early. I told her I was having pains and she was really concerned and asked me if she should call my husband. Told her I would on my drive home. I called that night after hours and left a message that I wouldn't be in the next day. I called back the next day after hours (I had Rebekah on a Monday) and said I would be out the rest of the week. When I got home I sent an email to the lady that I asked to tell our boss that I left early. I told her that I had the baby that very day and that is the reason I would be out for the rest of the week and I would have to see how I was the following week. She in turn passed the word on to my direct boss (male) and my email on to the vice president (she is a woman). The VP wrote me back and said to take all the time I needed and that the whole office was praying for me (they just told the staff that I had lost my daughter and would be off for a while) She told me that my job would be there when I was ready to return if I was ever wanting to return (it was a part time summer position, it was April, I started in February and was to work until August when I was due) I ended up taking off until after Mother's Day (we were going to Chicago for a VBS research project and was to be the last trip before the baby came) I went back a week after Mother's Day and the office welcomed me back and no one asked questions, just let me talk if I felt like it. About a week after I was back I was ready to talk more in depth about what happened. Everyone was concerned about me and glad to have me back.

Just take your time and if asked you don't have to tell more then you are comfortable telling. You could simply say, "there was a complication and we lost the baby" Be ready to hear I'm so sorry and such though. Here I am more than 2 years, almost 3 yrs out now and I still get "I'm so sorry to hear that" I haven't given much detail to people now, only those in my multiples group that it may help if they face similar things that I did with Rebekah.

[jennylou]

I found that I didn't have to say much. I remember going to eat with DH, my sister and her husband at a restaurant that we frequented. Our usual server came up to us, tried to make some small chat and finally stopped - she knew something was wrong. I think she said something like "oh my God, no?". Most other people that we see knew as well, it helped having an obituary, I think. It's odd, but people here really read their obits.

I did have one experience, shortly after I returned to work. I answered the phone and it was a man who worked in another dept - we were friendly, but I hadn't seen him in a while. He was surprised I was back already from maternity leave and said "wow you're back already, how's the baby?" Gosh, I felt like I just had my feet kicked out from under me - I'd felt like I was doing well having gone back to work. I passed him on to a co-worker after somehow managing to choke out that DS had died. He did feel horrible - as did my coworker (I ran to the bathroom crying past him telling him to get the phone).

[GlamaGal]

I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories. I am better off if I'm prepared; however, that part of my personality also makes me worry about things unnecessarily.

[pocahontas]

UGH! I try to keep my venting at a minimum so that I can get back to my usual happy, chipper self, but today has been one of those days and I knew you all would understand. First, why oh why did the guidance counselor at my school while talking to me in her office about one of my students look down at my belly (which isn't shedding the baby bump as fast as I'd like :rolleyes:) and ask, "Are we expecting?" :eek: Come on now! Let's do the math...8 and a half weeks ago my kid died, LADY! Even if I had had AF come back in exactly 4 weeks PP, I would probably still need 2 more weeks to ovulate after that before I could get pregnant which means I would currently be all of 2 and a half weeks pregnant and HARDLY sporting a BABY BUMP FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! :mad: Even if I'd gotten pregnant 2-3 weeks after delivery on my first ovulation before AF I would still only be 6 weeks pregnant AT MOST which means NOT showing! DUH! I just looked at her and said, "No I'm just fat." :confused: And she tried to laugh it off and said oh don't worry, it will go down (i.e. the bump she now realizes is from my son and NOT a new baby :mad:) because she realized what a effin' fool she is (mind you this is the idiot I called to break the news to my students why I was out in November...so she is the LAST person I would think would be so DUMB). Sorry but I just had to get out. *sigh*

Also, how are you/did you all handle these grandiose (sp?) GROUP pregnancy announcements of IRL people (even if you caught wind of it before and were prepared)? *sigh* Can you tell it's not a good day?:(

[pewee9196]

Ladies
You have always had the best advice when it comes to one of my best friends. Today is 1 year since she lost her 1 week old Daughter Amelia. She no longer lives in the area but we do talk. I wanted to call today but I also wanted to give her space. I sent her a text. I spoke to her about a month ago and was very upfront with her ref. her putting on a brave face. We both cried a lot during that call. I know it was helpful and stressful to her at the same time. What else do you suggest?

Tons of hugs and support to all of you!!

[GlamaGal]

poca- I posted a response yesterday, but now I see that it did not stick.:mad: huh? Anyway... I wanted to say I was so sorry that someone who knew what happened, and how painful it must have been for you, was insensitive enough to ask you a question like that. She should know way better than that and I feel really horrible for you. IMO, we should be off-limits for those types of questions, and, even if someone suspects a baby bump, they better damn shut their mouths until we announce.

Good grief, I've eaten more because a) I'm having a hard time getting my self back into the non-pregnancy diet after being pregnant nearly 5 mos., and, b) indulging in chocolates and sweets makes me feel better.

[GlamaGal]

peewee- I would think your speaking with her recently is what she most needs from people. Just acknowledgment that you remember her little girl. I imagine she must feel like others may be able to go on as if it never happened and she never existed but inside she is thinking about her all.the.time. It's got to be a lonely feeling. Women feel the worst.
================================================== ======
I asked DH if he opened our daughter's memory box and looked at her footprints when he got home from FL (one week earlier than A and me). He said he didn't. Before I asked him, I told him that I wanted to know if he did something, but that if he didn't it didn't matter. That will be one of the first things I do when I get home from this FL vacation. It's like I need to hold what she touched and my heart needs to see that she did exist. It sounds so silly. Now I wonder if he did it after we got off of the phone.

[jennylou]

Ugh poca - that guidance counselor was something else!

Glama - men and women grieve totally different. DH sometimes surprises me by things that he does or says about Andrew. Then, he'll completely forget other things, that I remember (like our BFP date, etc).

I came by to post a bit of an update on us - we got a BFP last week. I'm due Sept 14 by LMP (according to the online due date calculators, maybe I should update FF and see what it says?). ;)

First OB appt is Feb 14 - I'll be just shy of 10 weeks by LMP which feels like a LONG time away. LOL, with Andrew, I was having betas drawn, then waited a week or two and had an u/s. With Nora, I had tons of blood draws (spotting), then an u/s (too early and just saw the fetal pole). By the time I was 10 weeks I think I had 3 u/s! So, I would guess that I'll get an u/s when I go, for dating purposes, since I'm not really sure when I O'd, but know that I O late.

[Kimmiebride]

Hi ladies,
Jenny - congrats on the new pregnancy! I love news like that in this thread!

Glama- I still look at Robert's footprints (funny I have footprints from him, but they didn't do footprints for Josh). My DH has not seen them, nor has he seen the two photos. I don't think he will ever look at them, and it's ok. I know he thinks of Robert and that seems to be enough for me.

Poca - wow, that's so hard. I remember when I was in the hospital for the blood clot in my lung and the doctor said, "wow, the baby must be getting big..." Stuff like that sticks with you for a long time. You just want to slap them. Having them realize how stupid they were is a close second.

I have to find a new babysitter as I think mine is getting a full time job. She needs insurance and more money than her babysitting gigs are supplying. It's sad because Josh loves her so much. I am overwhelmed at the thought of looking, but at least my business isn't too busy this time of year, so I have some time.
hugs,
Kimmie

[sophiapb]

Oooo, congrats, Jennie! I was wondering when we were going to hear some good news. I'm thrilled for you!

Having them realize how stupid they were is a close second.

That was my favorite way of punishing the fools. Making them feel so awful so that they would think before they spoke next time. Like my idiot doctor. I specifically chose a new practice only after I spoke with the doctor and explained the whole situation with my first twin pregnancy. I was sobbing in her office while giving all the details. A few months later during a check up with my second twin pregnancy, I made a comment about how some symptoms with this pregnancy were different from the first pregnancy. My doctor said "That was a singleton, this is a twin pregnancy." and looked at me like I was an idiot. I paused because I honestly couldn't believe she said that and then said "Uh, noooooooo, this is my second twin pregnancy. Remember, my son was stillborn?" OMG, her face fell, turned bright red and she stammered out an apology. I was so annoyed with her that I was happy that she felt like an A$$ because she was one! Moron!
Pocahontas, I'm sorry that you had to go through that with the woman at work. I mean really, it's bad enough dealing with comments from strangers who don't know but from people who know the full story? It's just absurd.

[GlamaGal]

jennylou- CONGRATS! That is excellent. :D I saw a post of yours in another thread about a +HPT and I wondered...

Jenny & Kimmie- I agree- we are different from our male sapiens. If it weren't for you gals to share your experiences, I'm sure I'd think my DH was a heartless guy, which he isn't. I just often feel alone in my suffering and, it's odd, but if he had looked at them, somehow it would have made me feel better.

sophia- your story made me gasp! How could someone forget that??!!

[sophiapb]

GlamaGal, at the time I was so upset but now I can chuckle about how stupid she must felt. Yes, I AM malicious! But, really, what an idiot! At least I got a good story out of it. Ironically, this practice was recommended to me by the woman who headed up my infant loss support group as a practice that would be very understanding to my situation. I know that mistakes can happen and if that's the worst thing that the doctor did to me then I consider myself lucky but regardless, I no longer go to that practice.

[GlamaGal]

That was my next question. I would definitely leave my dr. if next pregnancy I go in, and she forgot! Good for you.

[Ericka_Jarett]

deleted

[jenahdawn]

EJ, :(

Today's 2 years since the day we THOUGHT we would have the girls. It's also Lilly's 2 month birthday, so I'm feeling....odd.

[GlamaGal]

I'll be thinking of both of you. {{{HUGS}}}

[GlamaGal]

The due date for my m/c is next week. Odd how when I got pregnant with DD #2 I felt comforted I'd be huge on my m/c due date. Surely next week is nothing compared to when DD2 SHOULD have been born: ~4/29. That will plain suck, pg or not.

Our genetic counseling session with the dr..... he recommended we go ahead and wait TTC for three months. So we now have two docs saying wait. He said otherwise it's like one long pg, and my body needs to be in a state of non gravida. But he also said: if it happened that's ok; go home and have sex; if waiting 3 mos. would stress us out and add to our lengthy TTC period-just do it. Confused? So I think he doesn't want to negate what my OBGYN told me. Fine. We'll wait. I'm glad we now have a relationship with him because he will do our nuchal fold, thoroughly. He also offered to call our ins. company when the time comes to lobby for some high-level u/s. So good news, all in all.

Of course I had to plot out my future O days. If we get pg our 1st try, that would put the baby's birth date super close to A's! Gasp. Who cares. Maybe that's meant to be.

[SailorJenny]

Hi all! I've been lurking for a bit, we've had some craziness - but before I get to that, congrats Jenny! That is such fabulous news :D !!

Very long story shorter, hubby and I made the decision to move b/c our landlord decided to build a new house in our backyard, about 8 feet from our windows. Construction starting 7am 6 days a week. The poor ventilation led to me having some breathing problems, bloody noses, a serious sinus infection and a bad case of laryngitis. I was 31 weeks pregnant, but we found a better place for less, and hey, I might actually get a few weeks of health before the baby got here. Next complication was that my OB quit - moved down south. He did not work out a big practice, so I had to find a new OB, but no one he recommended could see me until February (when I was due!). A friend of mine who'd lost her daughter due to PROM recommended her practice and they got me in for Monday 1/13.

They didn't like what they saw on the ultrasound (double nuchal cord, lower fluid level (AFI 10.5)) so they sent me to see the perinatologist down the hall. She confirmed their findings and sent me to the hospital for steroids and fetal heart tracings. They told me to drink a ton of water (I managed an avg of 90 oz a day) and that I'd be seen twice weekly for BPPs and NSTs until I delivered. I went back on Friday 1/18 fully expecting a huge jump in the fluid level but it had dropped to a 6. Combined with the nuchal cord and what appeared to be a rapidly maturing placenta, it was enough to send me over to the hospital for a repeat semi-emergency section. Connor Michael was born 2.5 hours later at 34 weeks, 5 lbs 6oz and 19 inches long. When I heard him cry, I started sobbing, it was the most wonderful noise in the entire world.

He had to go to the NICU b/c he was grunting a bit, and they discovered that he had RDS (respiratory distress syndrome, really common in premature babies it seems). He needed a CPAP and some additional surfactant for his lungs. He was breathing on his own by Saturday afternoon and is doing so well. I was discharged on Tuesday and it was really, really hard to leave the hospital AGAIN without a baby. I'm recovering so much faster this time - it's really amazing how much more motivation you have to get out of the bed and start moving when you have a living baby that needs you. Breastfeeding is going well - I'm pumping around the clock when I'm at home, and he's nursing like a champ when I'm at the hospital. He was moved to an open crib Tuesday night and the docs are really happy with his progress. After we left the NICU tonight, they were going to do the carseat test. If that goes well, he'll be circumcised Thursday and be home in my arms on Thursday night.

I seriously feel like the luckiest woman in the world. He is such a gift. It's definitely been bittersweet, and I catch myself thinking about how I get all of this joy with Connor that I didn't get with Gregory. Tonight I even called him Gregory by accident. :( I know that's normal, so I'm not stressing out about it. I'm just so happy, I'm not sure I could stress out about it!

[jennylou]

glama - My OB didn't make me wait any longer than 7 weeks - that was my PP appt and she gave me the go ahead (along with clomid, since I needed that and an u/s) to get started. It's easy to say wait, but if you're ready - you'll be fine. Yes, I felt like I was pregnant for two straight years, but it was okay, really. :)

sailorjenny - yay! congrats on your son. I hope he gets to come home this week, that would be great. :)

[sophiapb]

Welcome to the world, Connor Michael! Congrats, Jenny, on your bundle of joy. Connor is a wonderful size for being 6 weeks early. YAY!

[GlamaGal]

sailorjenny- I cried happy tears for you when I read your story. I am soooo happy for you. I heart the name Connor.

jennylou- I agree with you!! I should have AF come in full force today. DH and I agree we'll try wholeheartedly next AF. Since I have short AFs I really am only waiting for a little over a month until I'm TTC. But we won't be using anything until then, so, if it happens this month, well, it was meant to be in my book.

[pocahontas]

OMG! I am so late but SAILOR JENNY, that is such an emotional story. OMG! I am weepy yet happy for you! I hope to be as fortunate soon! Just checkin' in since I'll be out for awhile...today is my surgery to remove these damn fibroids that caused my little boy to get here way too soon. So I'll be in the hospital 2 nights. Then home. I'll try to check in with you guys sometime next week.

[amygrrl]

a big welcome to CONNER!

[Lisa]

a big late CONGRATS to Jenny and welcome Connor!!!

I have been lurking abit not posting too much these days but I knew if anyone knew what I felt like it be you all. Lauryn's birthday is next Thurs. The 28th. It feels so weird my little girl be 3! its mind blowing to me and even more mind blowing she has been gone 18 months. I miss her so much. Having my 3 boys is such a blessing and an amazing journey but I miss doing her hair, painting her toes or just holding her. :( Normal things. I just miss my girl so much. Ethan wants to make her a butterfly cake(she loved butterflies) I will just like last year but this year feels weird. I cant explain it. As time goes on I feel time is erasing her. I know it cant but it feels like it. She seems so distant. I think some days I just want life to stop and let me miss her and not be so much in the everyday busyness. Okay sorry for being a downer.
other than that life is good. A is getting big and so active I love it I have such great kids. Thanks for letting me get this all out.

[GlamaGal]

Lisa- I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter, Lauryn. Your post made me weepy. I just want to hug up my little one and be more thankful more often that I have her. I swear, if I didn't, I'd still be in bed. These little ones keep you going and I'm glad you have your sons to comfort you. Of course they can't erase the pain that will always be with you, just like Lauryn will always be with you. I hope you get through this 3rd birthday. I'll be thinking of you.

[pocahontas]

Lisa...sorry about your little girl's upcoming birthday making you miss her even more. But I can relate. My due date is TOMORROW. :(:(:(

[Kimmiebride]

As time goes on I feel time is erasing her. I know it cant but it feels like it. She seems so distant.

Lisa, I am so sorry this is a particularly tough time for you. This statement totally resonated with me. I feel the same way about Robert. I never held him, or spent a year and a half getting to know him so he even seems more distant if you can imagine that. I feel guilty that days go by and sometimes I don't think of him. Josh is just the light of my life, and I can't imagine surviving a life without him the way some of you have had to deal with. Just breaks my heart. He'll be a year old in 9 days. Robert would have been 2 in April if he had come on his due date. My feelings get so jumbled up inside sometimes. Anyway, the point of this is that I am sending you hugs, and thinking of you now and on Lauren's birthday. Poca, Glama, and all the other dear friends in here, I send you my love and gratititude for this group during good times and bad times.
hugs,
Kimmie

[GlamaGal]

kimmie- nice to hear from you.

poca- {{{hugs}}} That's rough. I'll be thinking of you. I hope you're doing well, otherwise.

Tonight at a fundraiser held at my house a lady opened up to me and shared that her daughter died at 8 yr. old this past July of a brain tumor. I just wanted to weep for her. She battled a lot of infertility and this was her baby (she has 2 older daughters). I just want to think of her and her family healing.

[LDS Angel 19]

ITA with pretty much everything Kimmie said. Lisa, I'll be thinking of you and Lauryn this week.

[amygrrl]

hey guys... just wanted to update my stats..

amygrrl
me: 37
DH: 35
Married: 2/15/03
TTC: 02/05/03
Angel Baby: Avery born still on 6/3/05 at 28 wks
Rainbow Babies: Malin our little miracle born on 4/3/06, and our miracle part 2, Eiley born on 10/22/07
Cause of loss: unknown. hospital misplaced the autopsy paperwork so no investigation into the cause of death was ever done.
Other issues: PCOS, IVF alumni, 3 embries on ice

[GlamaGal]

I'm having a sucky day today. For some reason, I've thought a lot about her and the choice we made. I was online reading stories about people who chose to go full-term and got to hold their baby for a minutes, an hour, a week. I don't know why I'm so melancholy tonight.

I know it doesn't change the love I have for her, or the ultimate outcome. I just needed someplace to go where someone might understand me. I often feel like others didn't have a choice and we did and so I feel less worthy.

[jeggink]

Glamagal Just wanted to say you are not alone with making this decision and there are a few others on here as well. I know exactly how you feel and honestly for me even a year later it hasn't gotten better. I continue to wonder if we made the right decision. Please don't feel that you are any less worthy, we were all just placed in an extremely difficult position and made the best decision based on the information we had and the best for our families. Lots of HUGS!

[GlamaGal]

Thank you, jeggink. Last night was rough, but I am much better today. I guess I needed a good cry. I wrote a letter to her, and somehow it made me feel better.

[Astro]

update...

I know I've been quiet for a while, but I figured I'd post an update. If our boys had been born at term, they'd have turned two this past month. Hard to believe it has been that long. Since then we've had to miscarriages and multiple failed IVF attempts. The past 6 months my husband and I have met with Dr's and done a bunch of research. Due to our investigations and questioning of Dr's, it has been confirmed I have an autoimmune disorder. Basically my immune system doesn't recognize the difference between good and bad, so it attacks everything. My Dr's can't agree on if it could be a cause of our infertility, but my DH and I think it contributes. We think it was a problem back with the boys as well, and are trying to figure out what to do next. The good news is I haven't been sick in 3 years. The bad news is my immune system needs to be smacked down a few notches. We'll continue to try and figure out how to do that, but it looks like pregnancy isn't in the cards for us. So that's where we stand. It's neither good nor bad news. It just is. We're just glad we've moved from "unexplained infertility" and "unexplained pregnancy loss" to a possible reason. :) Anyway, I'll still be here sometimes, just not often.

[Kimmiebride]

http://www.millcottagebridal.com/joshcomp.jpg

I just wanted to stop by with some pictures... the first one Josh is 15 days old, the second is today (two days shy of his birthday). Our little preemie isn't so little anymore... Thank God for a healthy happy year, and prayers for many to come. Prayers for my friends in pain, and prayers for the rainbows. Astro, I always think of you! I am glad to see you stopping by from time to time. Good to have part of an answer, since the not knowing is so much worse.
hugs to all!
Kimmie

[GlamaGal]

kimmie- what a beautiful boy! My DH was a little redheaded-blue eyed child that small,too! I'm in luff.

jenah- Not selfish a bit! Truthful.

astro- Agree that having an answer is often good. Then sometimes I'm jealous of people who don't have an answer b/c the reality of mine is not comforting, either. {{hugs}}

[clzj]

For all of you that have been here since I have joined. I am ready to open up the information about the one we lost. I have not talked to my DH about opening it up. I need to. I don't want to open up the stuff if he is not ready. I am almost thinking about going to the hospital to look at the pics also. I don't know if dh will do that or not.

Glam-DH and I choose not to find out the sex of the baby the day that I delievered nor did we hold the baby. To this day I don't know what we lost. I do know that my Rainbow Baby Anastasia would not be here.

I also have not talked to DH about having another one. I really would like a 3rd. If we have another one I either want a July baby or September. What is nice is my due date can be in either August or October and I would still have the month I want. I have a c-section and I have to have it at 37 weeks.

[Lisa]

I adore her, but I can't help but think what might have been...

Call me selfish, but I still want all three.

I know just what you are saying. I'm blessed with 3 boys and love it but I miss her and ant her too!

Kimmie-josh is so handsome. I love the red hair and blue eyes! Happy birthday Josh!

[amygrrl]

hi girls! while i suck at posting, i am keeping track of you all... and i've ate some bad food tonight and have been throwing up, so dh is taking care of the girls and the bonus is that i finally have time for a real post!

both girls are doing well... we're quickly approaching malin's 2nd birthday in april.. and eiley is a roley poley little 4 1/2 month old. life is good... but not complete. we go to the park several times a week and we see avery's tree and i miss her still. she would be 3 in june which seems crazy to me. now that malin is verbal and has so much personality, i often look at her and wonder how similar or different avery might have been at this age.

one thing that i'm struggling with right now is what to do with our frozen embryos. i honestly don't know if i can take a forth pregnancy. physically, pregnancy just seems to tear my body apart and i already feel like i've aged 10 years in the last 3 from the pregnancies. but those embryos were made during the cycle when avery was conceived and the idea of destroying or donating them kills me. and i don't know if dan is on board at all with having another kid. really, i'm just so confused.

[pocahontas]

Kimmie, JOSH is such a cutie! :)

[GlamaGal]

clzj- *If* you want/can talk about this further, how far along was your angel born? The hospital still has photos there you can look at? If you don't want to answer, I totally understand. I can't imagine the pain you must be in, to not be able to look.

amygrrl- I feel similar thinking about my angel dd. All of the what-would-have-beens, etc. It's especially painful to see my dd with her tenderness and love for babies...she'd have been such a terrific big sis at this age.

At gym class on Thursday the owner who's just back from maternity leave said, in front of other moms from class putting on their kids' shoes and our instructor,

"So A's a big sister now?!"
"No. Unfortunately, we lost her."
Faces drop. Eyes bog out of head.
"Oh, nooooo!"
"It's ok, we're trying again." all the while stroking A's head and pretending to fix her coat/hat.
I felt bad for her b/c she's probably feeling bad she asked. (I had switched class day when it all happened because I just couldn't go back to that group.) But I felt good that I didn't cry there or in the car. I felt guilty for dismissing my angel dd with the we're-trying-again statement.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was on the Today show today:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23481435#23481435 Scroll down to Photographers help

You may want tissues handy

[GlamaGal]

Thank you for sharing that. I did not see it on tv. It makes me feel less "alone". What a wonderful thing.

This reminded me that my mom had a friend who worked in the hospital with babies, and she started a program there to take photos of babies who had passed for parents, so they'd have a lasting memory.

[LDS Angel 19]

That was amazing. I'm so glad it got that national exposure. I know that was one thing I wish I had known.

[off2skl]

It seems that I've been on the roller coaster ride on these boards. First, the RE that drove me crazy, then conceiving on our own a month later! And now losing our son due to preterm labor. So, it's now time to join another group...

Not sure if we put our info in a different color to help the threadmistress....

Off2skL
ME: 32
DH: 39
DS: Joshua Daniel, born at 19w 4d on 3/4/08 and lived for 68 minutes
Cause of Loss: premature rupture of amniotic sac, probably due to incompetent cervix

I'll have to read through before I post our story. The emotions are still a little raw as this happened less than a week ago, but we are doing remarkably well. We never realized how many good friends and family we have that we say "formed a perimeter" and helped us through. This whole experience has also resolidified my relationship with DH and surprisingly cleared up some of the things I was unsure about (I guess our son did a lot in 68 minutes!)

Glamagal Re taking photos, etc. Our hospital has a wonderful program in place that I will have to tell you all about later. We are actually planning to donate to it in the hopes that someone else in a similar situation may benefit from the same care/services we received.

[jennylou]

off2skl - I'm so sorry that you have to join our group. :(

[LDS Angel 19]

off2skl I'm very sorry to welcome you to our little group. Your statement really resonated with me though. Our angels brief lives touch and change us in amazing ways.

[GlamaGal]

off2skl- I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our little ones around the same gestation, mine at 19w 1d. Come back whenever you are ready. Welcome to a wonderful group of women who care.

=====
Yesterday, while attending a baby shower, my girlfriend (honoree) started bleeding heavily at 31 w (she has placenta previa). It took all I could to not drown in tears as I heard her anguish in the basement bathroom. The squad was called and she was taken to the ER. I'm happy to report she and baby are stable. That was a close one. She went through so much to have this baby (IVF, IUI, etc.) and I was going to be real p*ssed if anything happened.

[jenahdawn]

off2skl, a sad welcome.

[amygrrl]

oh suckity.... i hate it when we get a new member. aren't there enough of us already????

[off2skl]

I'm back. Yesterday was a bad day (1 week exactly), but overall things are OK.

Some venting....

A little tired of people who tell me I should go back to work. The MD (high risk, not my regular OB who I will NEVER go back to) wants me off at least 2 weeks (and had me submit for 6 weeks actually; not that I'm planning to use it). But that then coincides with a very stressful situation at my work which I'm not sure I can handle. I'm a pharmacist and we're short handed and that week in particular I'd have the other pharmacist and my best technician both on vacation. While i know I can't just sit at home, I also feel that if I am not totally "with it" and have a supportive environment, then work is not the place i should be (God forbid if I should make a mistake....)

As to my OB... DH and I just do not feel that she was listening to us and our concerns (she was really pushing terbutaline and magnesium to stop contractions, which if my placenta hadn't already started coming through the cervix, we may have chosen to do everything we could). Even the specialists didn't seem to have much positive to say (the high risk MD had said there was a slight chance of being able to push the placenta back in, but it was so far out that he didn't hold much hope). Then I knew and the neonatalogist(sp?) had told us that we needed to make it to 24 weeks to have ANY chance and even then the risks/quality of life etc came into play.

Anyway, not only did the OB sign over my care to the high risk MD after telling me that she just wanted him in for a consult (the fact that she signed over doesn't bother me; I understand it was out of her specific area, it's the not being upfront that bothers me), but then in addition she NEVER CAME BACK...never called, never poked her head in even to just say "I"m sorry this is happening.." NOTHING! My DH is usually a very mellow person, but he is so angry with her I cannot even begin to describe. I will be writing a letter to her (as well as the nurse practitioner in the same office whom I have seen for 7 years) to explain why I will not return to the office (my follow up luckily is with the high risk MD).

Sorry for the vent.... in other news DH and I have already discussed trying again. Hard to believe, but Joshua made me realize just how much I want children. Before and even during my pregnancy I still wasn't sure if I had made the right decision (not sure if mothering was for me) and I even worried that I wasn't bonding with the baby (not sure if that would have changed once I started feeling him move). But once I saw and held Joshua I felt so at peace, that this WAS what I wanted. I know, some people may say "too soon," but DH and I both want this and we know that we are not doing this simply to "replace" Joshua; we say we want "more children;" we know we are already parents.

And now I'd better stop rambling...:)

[GlamaGal]

As for your OB, shame on her! That's so rude. I'm glad you've decided not to go back.
You made the best choices you could make regarding Joshua. Don't let what anyone else is saying re: returning to work affect your decision. You've just lost a child! And, it's normal to want to TTC again. I'm in that boat right now.

Again, I'm so sorry about losing your son.

[goldengbridge]

off2skl- I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

I've been a way for a little while. But I've kept you all in my thoughts. But with the anniversary of Jacob's birth/death coming up shortly in a few weeks I feel a big pull to rejoin our group. It will be 2 years on April 3rd. Last year I did the same thing, I was in a fog for a few weeks before and few weeks after. Dont get me wrong, he is always on my mind. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him and miss him with my entire being. With the being said, all the pain and emotions seem so overwhelming around his birthday.

I can't help but think 2 years ago today I was happily pg. Everything was perfect and I had no idea what was to come. I miss that time in my life before everything changed. I miss my sweet boy so much and the pain is still so raw. Someone told me right after I lost him that I would get through it but never over it and that is the truth.

We ordered his memorial stone in the fall and it was placed. I will have to post a pic of it when I get down to our desktop. It is absolutely beautiful and so final to see it placed. After they put in the ground I drove to see him everyday for a week. I just felt this huge pull to be with him. I don't know if thats weird or not but it felt right to go.

Ashlyn turned one 3 weeks ago and continues to amaze me everyday. I know I said this before but so many horrible things happened when I lost Jacob but the one precious thing he taught me was to cherish everyday and to love both of my babies as much as humanly possible every single day and appreciate everyone I have in my life. I just cherish both Ashlyn and Andrew so much.

Andrew is doing well. He had a cardiology appointment in Philly at the end of January and got a great report. He's in preschool this year and absolutely loves it. He is such a special spirit and really embraces everyday. He is amazing and such a fun little boy.

I hope everyone is hanging in there. I'm thinking of all your little angels.

[off2skl]

Hanging in there. I'm planning to return to work next Monday. I have my first follow up tomorrow and of course I am loaded with questions.

I almost forgot, i had said I would tell you about the program at the hospital. They have a bereavement services just for pregnancy losses (miscarriage, ectopic, stillbirth, preterm including those that may make it to the NICU for a short time). I was given a whole packet with the necessary information (cemeteries, etc) as well as information and a book on grieving especially written for these situations. They have volunteers who make outfits,booties, hats, blankets, etc for these babies.

They encourage you to hold your baby as much as you want, bathe him/her. I even brought Joshua's little bassinet in bed with me the following morning and sang to him. They give you a disposable camera if you haven't brought your own so that you can take pictures. They also take pictures (the nurse who did mine had lost 2 babies of her own and she said she is very thorough and takes over an hour to take pictures, but I haven't seen them yet). You can pick up the pictures whenever you are ready; they say they hold them indefinitely. WE plan to pick them up when they are ready, but I have such a peaceful memory of him when I saw him at the mortuary that I probably won't look at them for a while. They also did a plaster mold of Joshua's hands and feet as well as hand and footprints. We have the hat and booties he wore and his blanket. We plan to take some of these mementos and create a shadow box.

In addition, the hospital has an option for you to be contacted by the bereavement center to see how you are doing (they called the day after I left the hospital and they have certain days that they have determined are difficult and will contact you then as well). There's a monthly support group for both parents.

I think it is a wonderful program.


On another note, I find it ironic that I just now started receiving the direct marketing items targeted at me having a baby....

[GlamaGal]

off2skl- what a wonderful program to encourage moms to grieve naturally. And give a teeny push b/c I'm sure some are afraid to do all that, or wouldn't think of it.

[jenahdawn]

On another note, I find it ironic that I just now started receiving the direct marketing items targeted at me having a baby....


Oh, yeah, that part sucks. And it's damned near imossible to get them to stop without making whomever you call feel like crap...but, after a while, you just stop caring about how THEY feel because you just want to stop walking out to the mailbox and finding bibs from Enfamil or something. Our local girls were great around here. I'd get something, tell one of them and it would magically go away. One of the girls made a few phone calls for us, too.

[off2skl]

Had my first follow up today. Actually discussed a lot about future pregnancies. I asked him the recommended time to wait to TTC again (just out of curiosity). He told me 6 months ideally (due to increased risk of early miscarriage). Is that what your docs told you? I by no means plan to wait 6 months before we even try. Between my age and PCOS we may not even get pregnant in that amount of time while trying! I understand the 6 weeks for post delivery (not that much could happen in that amount of time anyway...)

[Ericka_Jarett]

I was released after my first follow-up (5 weeks) to start trying. I got pregnant 7 months later with charting with my son.

[GlamaGal]

My OB and the perinatal OB told us to wait 3 mos. to TTC (mainly for the emotional part). We started trying one month early (so we waited 2). I know a lot of the other girls on here waited less than the recommended time, b/c I was here b*tching about it due to our lengthy TTC and previous m/c.

[jenahdawn]

We were told 6 months because my doc wanted my body to heal, to give me some emotional distance, and because he knew I wouldn't be able to handle having a due date near the girls' birthday.

[LDS Angel 19]

My doc told me we could TTC right away, but I didn't really trust her. (Long story). We ended up waiting about 3 months before we started TTC.

[goldengbridge]

I was told to wait 2 cycles. I got pg with Ashlyn on the 3rd.

[jennylou]

We were given the go ahead to start trying right away. I think a lot of it will depend upon individual circumstances. For instance, I went full term, so my Dr wasn't concerned with pre-term labor. Those ladies here who went into pre-term labor, may have been advised other ways.

I think it's an extremely personal decision - for us, it gave us some hope, something to look forward to.

[amygrrl]

we didn't have the opportunity to discuss a timeline with our dr as i got pregnant 7 wks after delivering avery. however, i don't recommend this since it greatly increases the chances of preterm labor which we did end up having to deal with with malin.

[pocahontas]

I *THINK* we'd have been told 3 months under normal circumstances, but the reason for my PROM and pre-term labor we believe were the huge fibroids that I like to call "boulders" :rolleyes: growing alongside baby in my womb. So I had to have those out post haste before we'd be given the TTC green light. Now, however I am 7 weeks post op and after the surgery we *WERE* in fact told no pregnancy for 3 months. So I'm NOT so patiently counting down these last 6 weeks...

[Lisa]

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was on the Today show today:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23481435#23481435 Scroll down to Photographers help

You may want tissues handy

wow, that was amazing~ Thanks for sharing. I cried but that was a blessing.

Glam- congrats on your pregnancy!

Happy Easter Ladies!

[GlamaGal]

Lisa- thanks! (I'm admittedly nervous & hopeful at the same time).

[off2skl]

Thanks everyone. We're taking a wait and see what happens approach, well with some charting...(that's pretty much what we did last time because I really thought we were going to need a fertility specialist). I'm heading back to work tomorrow. I'm still nervous about it, but sitting at home for another 3 weeks isn't going to help. I always have to be busy (G_d help if I have to have bedrest next time); the house has never been so clean, the yard has been spruced up and I even got DH to get some of our projects done while I was around to help out.

Congrats glamagal

pocahontas I had fibroids too (which isn't all too uncommon). But the peri does not think they had anything to do with what happened (and I'm guessing he looked at the u/s they took at the hospital). Strange how you can get so many differing opinions from different doctors (granted I know every situation is unique, but...). They're simply diagnosing my issue as an incompetent cervix.

[clzj]

Glamgal-I lost my angel 2.5 years ago. I feel it is time. The hospital that I had the angel at did take pics. The don't destroy them. I am pretty sure I know what the angel looks like. My almost 5 yr old and almost 1yr old are identiacl in looks.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Congratulations Glamagal.

In 19 more days and a few mins, it will be Rebekah's 3rd anniversary, hard to believe I could have a 3 yr old running around, just crazy.

[GlamaGal]

clzj- I just learned through offskl's hospital experience that they take pictures and keep them indefinitely, too. That is really neat. Must mean others aren't ready to look at them until they're good and ready, too. I'm thinking of you. BTW, I realized your angel and my DD were in the same birth month (maybe you were over at WC Mommies, too? Anyway, I just figured out why your user ID was so familiar.)

Ericka- I'm thinking of you and your Rebekah.

The neural tube closes this week for this little bean I'm carrying. Pleae send a special prayer or thought our way that everything closes perfectly.

I remarked in my LJ that I'm looking forward to delivering (hopefully, God willing) this little bean and having a much needed cry from deep down to release the rest of this stress about angel DD. The kind of cry I feel can only be done at the moment of his/her birth. Does that make sense? I'm leaning more towards having just two (live) children now. This worry gets to you. I could change my mind later, but I'm starting to understand where DH is coming from.:( We'll be lucky to have 2 healthy kids.

[jenahdawn]

remarked in my LJ that I'm looking forward to delivering (hopefully, God willing) this little bean and having a much needed cry from deep down to release the rest of this stress about angel DD. The kind of cry I feel can only be done at the moment of his/her birth. Does that make sense?

Yep. Mine was the next day, when I called our Group leader and asked her why no one warned me that it would hurt so much (emotionally). And it felt good. (My husband even took pictures during my cry. No, I will NOT be sharing!)

[pocahontas]

So...I figure if anyone can tell me that this is normal, you guys can. It is practically TTC time for us again. You'd think I'd be elated, right? I mean I have been anxiously awaiting my surgery to be over and then awaiting the "healing time" to be finished so we could get this SHOW ON THE ROAD again. But I have had a couple of "OMG...I can't go through this again" feelings wash over me in the past few weeks. I mean...I felt those "flushed face" feelings of fear of being pregnant and carrying another baby in my stomach and the horror of going through what we went through with our baby boy and literally thought, "I don't think I can do this." :( This sounds so crazy to me, and the feelings didn't last all that long. I was over them in a matter of minutes but seriously...I just suddenly was paralyzed by what happened to my son and the thought of trying to have another baby after knowing what happened to the first one made me kind of feel like I am just too damn scared to do it. Then...the feeling passes and I'm back to normal and ready to get the ball rolling. Did this happen to anyone else?

[jennylou]

pocahontas - perfectly normal. And, after you're pregnant, you'll get freak out moments then too.

[GlamaGal]

poca- All normal. When you're pg again, you just worry about everything, and I worried before. I figure luck has to be on my side this time. I just face each milestone as a hurdle I'll cross, and when I cross it I feel better (getting pg, then 1st u/s, then nuchal fold, etc.). Good luck TTC!

[jenahdawn]

Completely normal.

Get the book "Pregnancy After a Loss" and start reading...yes, even before you are pregnant...it tells you how boringly normal you are. (Not that you are boring, but it is a relief that it's not just you!)

[Lisa]

pocahontas - perfectly normal. And, after you're pregnant, you'll get freak out moments then too.

ITA...its normal and I think just part of us women..my DH was much calmer about everything.

[udsweetpea]

Ever since our friends lost their little girl, Lilly, last January, I've been following along in here (hope you don't mind). I've been thinking of you all!

Our friends are expecting a little girl again, and they're planning on inducing her on Sunday. I was wondering if you all could send your prayers and thoughts their way. Thank you!

[off2skl]

There's also one called "Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss" by Ann Douglas which was recommended by the nurse heading up the bereavement center at my hospital.

[pocahontas]

Ever since our friends lost their little girl, Lilly, last January, I've been following along in here (hope you don't mind). I've been thinking of you all!

Our friends are expecting a little girl again, and they're planning on inducing her on Sunday. I was wondering if you all could send your prayers and thoughts their way. Thank you!Absolutely! Consider it done! :)

Thanks ladies for all of the good info. Incidentally, OFF2SKL, someone bought that exact book for me! A girlfriend of mine (we used to work together about 7 years ago) had a stillborn son last summer at 36 weeks or so and when she heard about me losing my son in November from some of our other old co-workers she reached out to me via email. Since she lives near my new job, she and I had lunch together one day and she told me she had something for me...she gave it to me as a gift with a note written inside about our sons being playmates now (which of course made me almost lose it in the restaurant. :() And recently I bought the same book and wrote a note inside for a friend on my other chat board who lost her son 6 weeks after I lost mine. So now I'm on the crusade as well recommending that book! ;)

[pocahontas]

Speaking of crusades, before I forget...are any of you doing the March for Babies? Anyone got a team together for that in their area? Just curious because my niece is doing the walk so DH and I just donated on behalf of our little boy and since I know all of you also have your own stories after having a preemie, stillbirth, term loss, etc. and some of you with your rainbow babies now may have success stories, you may want to contribute to this worthy cause in memory of a baby YOU know or in honor of one you have in your life if you are not already doing the walk yourself (and you get to post a message on her page for whatever baby you're doing it on behalf of). If anyone is interested in sponsoring my niece's team, please let me know and I can PM you her website page where the proceeds go directly to March of Dimes. (You get an acknowledgment email with a transaction reference # for a tax deduction next year and so you can be sure it's not going in anyone's pocket. And you can use Paypal if you're more comfortable. Any pledges from one buck on up are accepted.) Or if you're interested in doing the walk yourself, you can also let me know and I will PM you info on where to sign up. (Doesn't matter the state because they are having the walk in several different parts of the country on different dates.) Next year I may look into putting together a team to walk in memory of our baby but it would just be too much to do this year since YESTERDAY our business team did the MS (Multiple Sclerosis) walk we do every year for the teammate whose wife suffers from this (and I'm POOPED from that since I have a bad cold). So it's easier just to support my niece's team instead. Anyhoo, if you'd like to join me and a bunch of folx on my other chat site in supporting her just shoot me a PM. Thanks!

[Ericka_Jarett]

I am not doing the March, but we have several in our twins club doing the march and we have an umbrella for our club over the 4 or 5 families that are participating. I donated a few dollars the other night for our club. I donated after Rebekah was born as well, her bracelet has $85 under it. (Complete stranger read my story and donated $5)

[pocahontas]

(Complete stranger read my story and donated $5)Now that line there is VERY cool. Thanks ERICKA...you just persuaded me to go on ahead and post her site (http://www.marchforbabies.org/deenawashington) since many "complete strangers" also visit and read CC. Maybe one of them will be compelled to be a sponsor of the March by making a donation to my niece's team as well! :)

[LDS Angel 19]

My March for Babies link is in my sig. :) When we did it in '06, I recieved $100 from someone who only identified themselves as "a CC lurker". We raised so much that year, it was really amazing. I don't think we'll manage that much this year, but every little bit helps!

[jenahdawn]

I'm busy that weekend.

I AM going to be doing The Compassionate Friends walk in July, though, with a bunch of family and friends and we are getting t-shirts and bracelets.

[sophiapb]

I have sponsored several people for the March of Dimes walk this year and have sponsored many of the wonderful women on these boards over the past few years. It's money for a terrific cause and, selfishly, I love to see my rememberance note about Alexander in the Sponsors Message area. It's my annual reminder to the world that Alexander existed and continues to be loved and remembered. Oh crap, I just teared up. I just finished watching "The Memory Keeper's Daughter" and am ovulating so I've got crazy hormones. None of that is helping in the "weeping like a fool" department! :o

[GlamaGal]

Ohhhhh, that Memory Keeper's Daughter preview gets me every time. I haven't watched it yet.

I think the March of Dimes is awesome and it's one of the first things that came to mind after our tragedy- to contribute, that is.

I hope everyone in this thread is well.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Today my Rebekah would have been 3. Time is flying by. Although, yesterday DH said he said it felt longer since we lost her.

[GlamaGal]

Ericka, I have been thinking about you guys. ((HUGS)) I bet sometimes it feels like a long time, and others it feels like it was only yesterday.

[jenahdawn]

Thinking about you and Rebekah, Ericka!

[GlamaGal]

Today at the checkout lane at the grocer's, I saw the MOD sheets where people had contributed and put their name down to be taped to the wall. I about lost it because those footprints are almost identical (size, etc.) to angel DD's. Ugh, it gets you at the oddest moments.

[Kimmiebride]

Glam, that got me too the other day... I gave $5 and he asked if I wanted to donate in remebrance of someone, and I said yes, and wrote a note to Robert. I can't believe that it's been so long. 4/24 was the anniversary of my due date for him.

Ericka, sorry I didn't post... I can't believe it's been 3 years for you and Rebekah. time flies and drags all at the same time in this "club."

On the lighter side, I am in Mexico right now shooting a wedding today. It's so beautiful, but I miss my boys. Ray and Josh stayed home, and I came with my second shooter who is a really good friend. We can see the water from our balcony, which looks onto the pool area that goes on for acres. It should be fun!
Hugs,
Kimmie

[off2skl]

After thinking that I was doing so well, I'm beginning to realize that I'm not handling stress as well as I used to, not that I ever handled it wonderfully (and I have a stressful job that seems to have gotten even more stressful over the past few weeks). I also have been crying over things that I never would have before. For example, we had to fight with our homebuilder to replace a tree because it was damaged from monsoon storms from not being properly staked and the woman wen ton to criticize how I maintain, or in her opinion don't maintain my landscaping. I was in tears after she left and when DH got home he was like, "Are you THAT upset by it?" because it is so unlike me.

Could it be that my hormones are still out of whack and this could be baby blues or could it be depression over the loss? Or both? I'm really leaning toward seeing a counselor, but I'm just wondering if I'm normal....

[GlamaGal]

off2skl, I was just thinking about you & wondering how you were doing before checking here. Well, I'm not sure which you may be dealing with, but I can say that after having my daughter #1, I have always been different emotionally (more erratic). It started during my pg with her and hasn't seemed to stop. I definitely had the baby blues with her and took meds for the first 2 or 3 mos. Why not call a counselor and just see? Even if you only do one session; it can't hurt.

[Kimmiebride]

off2skl,
I agree with Glama... They wanted me on prozac after I lost Robert. I filled the scrip, but never took it. After Josh was born, right around the second anniversary of Robert's angel day, I went to see a counselor about PPD, and went on Celexa. It has done wonders for my emotions and my mood. I am on a low dose, but I can really see a difference in how I deal with things. I don't feel so out of control anymore. Hope this helps...
hugs,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

off2skl - First, hugs. You're on the beginning of such an emotional roller coaster. One thing to keep in mind is that they say that around 6 weeks is when you will have a second round of grief. You get through the first few weeks and think you're doing okay and then suddenly it hits you again. It looks like you're about 8 weeks out, so if this has been going on the last week or so, it's completely normal. That said, there is no harm in going to see a counselor, or finding a group session, or whatever you need to do. You might just need to talk through your feelings some more. I think it's hard for any of us to say it could be PPD or it could be depression or it could just be being sad, since for each of us, it might have been (or turned into) something different. There's no shame in seeking out help though, remember that.

[off2skl]

Thanks everyone. We actually have our bereavement group tomorrow night, so we are doing the "group thing." I am in the process of finding a counselor and seeing what insurance will cover. Funny how you can see a medical doctor for a problem as many times as you want, but when it comes to mental health, the powers that be decide that everything should be fine in 6, 10, 12 visits, etc.

DH and I are also trying to plan a trip during the weekend of Joshua's due date (in July). We both just feel like we need to get away and relax. Granted that's a ways off.

I was talking to my MIL the other day and got emotional. Bear in mind she suffered a loss too...40 years ago. While she is understanding and everything, I couldn't help but hang on to a phrase she used..."when you have your first baby..." meaning the next baby. I know she didn't mean anything, but I wanted to just yell that Joshua was and always will be my first baby. Why is it that people want to forget him?

[pocahontas]

Thanks everyone. We actually have our bereavement group tomorrow night, so we are doing the "group thing." I am in the process of finding a counselor and seeing what insurance will cover. Funny how you can see a medical doctor for a problem as many times as you want, but when it comes to mental health, the powers that be decide that everything should be fine in 6, 10, 12 visits, etc.

DH and I are also trying to plan a trip during the weekend of Joshua's due date (in July). We both just feel like we need to get away and relax. Granted that's a ways off.

I was talking to my MIL the other day and got emotional. Bear in mind she suffered a loss too...40 years ago. While she is understanding and everything, I couldn't help but hang on to a phrase she used..."when you have your first baby..." meaning the next baby. I know she didn't mean anything, but I wanted to just yell that Joshua was and always will be my first baby. Why is it that people want to forget him?
Get used to it. It happens a lot...even by the well meaning folx. My son will ALWAYS be Baby#1 for me. So not long ago when a good friend who has a baby girl talked about she and her DH TTC #2, I said...oh good we can TTC together since I'm starting NOW! She said, "No! We are no where near ready. Maybe we will be by next year. But I know by then you'll already have a baby and be TTC #2!" I felt kinda hurt because I DO already have a baby...he's just not living. So she actually meant I'd already have baby #2 and be TTC #3. But I realize "WE" are the only ones who think like this. A baby not here=a baby who doesn't exist...in "THEIR" minds. :(

[off2skl]

Just wanted to wish a Happy Mother's Day to everyone!

[jennylou]

It's been a while since I last posted in here, but today I feel the urge. I'm sure you all will understand.

Andrew would have turned three today. It's so hard to imagine that my baby would be so big now. Today has been a very bittersweet day - I miss my boy, but I love the daughter that I now have. And now, I'm pregnant with our third.

The hardest day for us will be Thursday, the third anniversary of his death.

Less and less people remember - or maybe they just don't say anything anymore. Only two people IRL have reached out today to let us know that they are thinking of us. :(

I think about you all often, I'm sorry any of us have to be here, but I'm so thankful for all of you - especially the old timers, that were right there with me in the beginning....we were all there together, hurting and grieving. I'm so thankful that so many of us have gone on to have our rainbow babies, but sad about the babies we'll never see grow up. And to those of you still waiting on your angel babies, I hope it happens for you soon.

Asha - I think about you often, I hope you are doing well.

[LDS Angel 19]

Gosh Jenny, I can't believe it's been three years. I'm sending hugs to you and DH for these next few days.

[GlamaGal]

(((HUGS))) Jenny. I started crying when I read he'd be 3. I just can't sort these things out, but know we're thinking of you and yours.

[jenahdawn]

I was just thinking about this last night....

So, the other night, we went out to eat and the guy seating us asked if L was our first. I didn't look at him and said yes. And then, as usual, (when in this situation), as soon as he left, I asked DH if it was okay. He said yes.

How about if I say no and, if the person asks where our others are, I say with my grandparents? If a person hears it as "Their grandparents" whatever, because that COULD be true, but they are with mine....

Right?

[jennylou]

jenah - it depends upon the mood that I'm in, but I usually respond that N is our second. If they ask where the other one is, I would simply reply "in heaven". Let them feel like an ass, maybe they'll think a little harder from asking questions of strangers. I had someone ask me how many this one made (she heard others talking about N), I replied 3. She asked how old they were, I replied "Andrew would be 3, Nora is 21 months". The person asking happened to be a nurse in the NICU, needless to say, she quickly changed the subject.

[pocahontas]

I was just thinking about this last night....

So, the other night, we went out to eat and the guy seating us asked if L was our first. I didn't look at him and said yes. And then, as usual, (when in this situation), as soon as he left, I asked DH if it was okay. He said yes.

How about if I say no and, if the person asks where our others are, I say with my grandparents? If a person hears it as "Their grandparents" whatever, because that COULD be true, but they are with mine....

Right?

LOL...I'm not laughing "AT" you but I just love how this could come off as "snark" and rightfully so. Both my dad and DH's dad have long since passed away (and in the same year as one another sadly). And I can just imagine the look on DH's face if the next time someone asks me if I have kids and I say, "One" and then they ask where is he/she...I reply, "With my dad." I think DH would probably be --->:eek: The visual is kinda funny to me! ;)

JENNYLOU...sorry I'm late but I am sending you many {{{HUGS}}} as well. May is a great month to have a baby born. It's the month when my mom had me! Be gentle on yourself this month.

[GlamaGal]

Jehah- yeah. That's tough. I have had a couple people ask me what number this is (random people, like cashiers, who I tell I'm pg) and I always say, 3rd. I feel odd, but then again I feel bad if I don't include her. Now, in front of DH, I don't know what I'd say. He'd probably get flustered.

[Ericka_Jarett]

When I get asked, I say these are my 2nd, 3rd and 4th. If the person asks me how old my 1st is, I tell them she would have been 3, but passed. I get "I'm so sorry to hear that"

I don't get asked much anymore though it seems. Sometimes someone will say going for a 4th, I say actually it would be my 5th, their eyes are really wide after that.

When pregnant with the twins, people would see Easton and say aww your 2nd and 3rd, I would say actually my 3rd and 4th. If Easton is not with me, they would say your first, and would say no they are twins and then they would say oh ok, your 1st and 2nd. actually no, my 3rd and 4th, my son is at home and my daughter is passed away.

When with hubby usually don't say much at all to people.

[off2skl]

Jennylou, sorry I'm coming into this late, but I hope that you're doing OK. Three years seems like an eternity to be without your child.

Let them feel like an ass, maybe they'll think a little harder from asking questions of strangers.

I feel the same way. It seems we spend so much time worrying about everyone else's feelings, yet people in general don't seem to worry about ours.

DH has mixed feelings on the issue, but I feel strongly that I am doing an injustice to Joshua and his memory if I don't acknowledge his existence. I can't pretend that he isn't my son simply because he's not with me or to make others feel more at ease.

[amygrrl]

jenny - i haven't had time to post here, but i've been thinking about you (and us oldtimers) a lot.


avery's birthday is just a few days away and dan will actually be in belgium that day. sucks. i wanted to do something special with him... low key but special. a picnic under her tree at the park or something. but now i'll have the girls by myself and i'm sure i'll feel too overwhelmed to do anything. maybe i'll do cupcakes to 'celebrate' her birthday.

malin talks about avery all the time. she knows that avery is her sister and that she's in heaven. and she points out avery's tree and when i talk about going to the park, she'll say, 'with avery's tree!'... the other day she said something about avery and dan just broke down and i know it's hard for him to hear her talk about her, but i want it to be 'normal' for malin, you know? and it's seriously hard for me too.

[jenahdawn]

From my LJ:

DAMMIT!

I'm going to be in a funk for a while.

"Our" church sent us a "Baby Blessings" package....addressed to Catherine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I registered at that church, I filled out a form and SPECIFIED exact dates and everything.

So, when I called the woman to make it stop, her vm had a message about no classes in Feb...er...okay. So I called the main number and the woman looked up our information. They did not have that information in there.

[jenahdawn]

Aaaaaaand Chloe's came today...

[GlamaGal]

UGH!, Jenah.

Got a bill for $20 from my OB's office this week. It lists my pre-D&E stuff on there from Dec. in detail, too. It goes back that far and then up to date with my current appts., etc. Kind of harsh. Plus, I don't owe $20 and so now I have to call about it.

[ezl247]

unfortunately, I jhave to join this group. I was due in December and I lost my baby at 16w5d. There was no fetal heart beat. Since this is a holiday weekend, I have to wait until next week to get a d and e. What was your experience with is procdure? I am not capable of delivering a dead baby emotionally it is too hard for me.

I feel sick, I want this nightmare to end, I want my baby back. I can not stop crying. To top it off the OB made me sound like a freak- how uncommon this, how he does not know any doctors that perform this procedure. I should just deliver the baby etc.

I had a NT scan and it came back normal- I feel like I caused this. When will I start to feel better? I am not able to stop crying, I just found out yesterday. How do I begin the emotional healing process?? Help...

[jenahdawn]

e-I HATED this when people told me, but:

Be gentle with yourself. This is new. Very new. And (the phrase I hated but now understand completely) it takes one day at a time.

You cannot rush yourself through the grieving process.

For me, it took a good 6 months before I began to feel "normal" (my new normal). But a good year before I felt "okay". I still have days that come up and surprise me or moments, but I can think about the girls and smile now. I'm having a hard time with their second birthday coming up because I had their little sister (I was 28 weeks at the time) to focus on as well.

You are going to discover how strong you really are. Unfortunately, this is what it took to show you. And you aren't going to feel it, but you will look back and say, "Wow...how did I ever survive?"

I just say I white-knuckled it the whole way.

Not having gone through any procedure, I would find yourself a new doctor, but I don't know if they will let you see the baby. (It's hard, but you may end up wondering the rest of your life what the baby looked like, etc) If you have the option, it sounds strange, but take it. The baby will look like a baby and there is nothing scary about him or her. I promise.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I agree with Jenah, One day at a time is the only way to take it right now.

I delivered my daughter so I am no help with any procedures. I held my daughter for 21 hours and left the hospital within 5 mins of handing my daughter to the nurse for the last time. We buried our daughter, so at the funeral home (we had a service) 2 days before her service we got to see our daughter for the last time. I cried for weeks and months after her birth. I can still see her precious little face and we have a few photos for our own memory. I am now 3 yrs out since I had her and honestly I can tell that day like it was just yesterday. (actually just talked about it the other night)

Cry all you need to, it's a tremendous loss you suffered.

---------------------
Keep me in your thought with the right words to say, as I have been asked to talk to one of our twins club mom's, she lost her daughter at 26 or 28 weeks and her son is in NICU. Just found out it started as a triplet pregnancy, she lost really early

[Kimmiebride]

Dear ezl247,
So sorry that you are joining us... I am sorry you lost your baby, and sad you have to sit through the weekend like this. Do be gentle with yourself and your DH, and like the ladies said, cry all you need to, and don't feel bad for anyone else. Sadly this is something that sticks with you, and is the hardest pain to face, but you will get through it. Lean on us all you need.

Hello to everyone else. I have been MIA so long that I had to re-log in... Things are ok. Josh is good. Still missing Robert as ever...
hugs,
Kimmie

[ezl247]

Thanks for your replies. I am in total shock, I sitting here with my dead baby inside of me and there is nothing I can do. I can not believe this. Today my 4 year old asks me when will I bring home a baby for her (my BFF just gave birth to her 3rd). I broke down. My husband is taking this hard too. I keep replaying the awful sonogram in my head and the words the baby is not viable and spontaneous abortion. ABORTION to describe the involuntary loss of my child!!!! I am in so much mental pain- I am not able to get thrugh this.

I am afraid I will never get prgnant and if I do get pregnant that I will NEVER deliver a healty child again. OMG this is just awful. How am I supposed to get through this time???

[jennylou]

ezl - I'm so sorry for your loss. :( I have no experience with that procedure, so no advice. Be gentle with yourself during this time.

**********
I haven't been by in a while, but wanted to share a story that I'm sure all of you will get.

On Father's Day, we went to church like normal. The kids at the church had made Father's Day cards for all the cards (I think it might have been the PSR kids). Anyways, they drew them and then signed their names. At the end of mass, Father Charlie had all the dad's stand up. The church prayed for them, and then some of the older kids came in with these cards and randomly started handing them out. DH opened his and immediately teared up. Then he passed the card to me. It was signed Andrew. I'm sure you can imagine the tears that immediately welled up in my eyes and fell down my cheeks. As someone on my FLs said, Andrew just wanted to let us know he's still around....

[Ericka_Jarett]

ezl - It sucks losing a baby. Many people know a spontaneous abortion is actually a miscarriage, so try not to dwell (I know it's hard) on that word. You will be able to get through this time in your life. The hurt will lessen with time, you will never forget this baby. Try not to think negatively about future pregnancies, something horrible just happened to you and your family, it's going to take time. I know you said you don't think you can deliver the baby. If you still feel that way, I would suggest, having them take a pic of the baby if possible. I know for me having held my daughter and then having pictures of her to look at whenever I want, have helped me in my grieving process. Hugs to you and please be gentle with yourself and just hold onto you family and cry and grieve for as long as you need.

[jenahdawn]

spontaneous abortion

Oh, how I HATED that term! I went OFF at a chaplain who came in in the middle of the night about that term!

When I spoke to a local group of nursing students, I told then, "Even though that is the medical terminology, do NOT use it in front of your patient!"


elz...WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT....there are several books to read. I found the best being "Pregnancy After a Loss"

No one can tell you, "Oh, it can't/won't happen again!" because once you are a statistic, all that crap doesn't matter anymore.

Check with your local hospital(s) to see if there is a bereaved parent support group. If no one can help you, contact your local chapter of The Compassionate Friends and they can direct you where to find someone to talk to.

[jenahdawn]

So, I was just curious what I was "like" when I first posted to this group, but it looks like the first thread has been erased?!?!?!

jennylou? help?

Also, "Parents of Multiple Forever" (link on the first page) no longer exists. LAMBs does, however. (Loss of All in Multiple Birth) It's a yahoo group.

[jennylou]

jenah - change your settings to the beginning (I think the default is a year) at the bottom of the page in this sub forum.

ETA - Here's our first thread. (http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/showthread.php?t=5792)

[jenahdawn]

Huh....then there must be something up because I KNOW I posted in a late term between our loss and 12/07.

Oh, well....I'll keep looking some other time.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Jenah - maybe this thread: http://www.constantchatter.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35522 or the one after it

[jenahdawn]

Ericka...yep....it's in #2.

Quoting:

Don't want to join.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd give anything NOT to join.

The hardest part is that it's still considered a miscarriage or "spontaneous abortion" at 19 weeks. (Well, ONE of the hardest parts.)

We got home a few hours ago. He's sleeping behind me and I'm bawling.

Tues night I started having contractions. I was dialated to 2 cm. After 2 hours, I was at 3 cm and was moved "upstairs" to L&D.

6:15 am Wed, Sept 27, my water broke. By 6:30~ish, my beautiful baby girls were here. Katie was 7.8 oz and 22cm long (8 3/4 inches) and Chloe was 6 oz and 20 cm (8 inches) long. And they were absolutely perfect.

This afternoon, we gave our little angels away so their ashes can be spread over a flower garden so everyone can appreciate their beauty.

But I just want them in our arms again.

Recovering mentally, emotionally AND physically....this is the worst pain anyone can ever feel and the one thing I hope no one else ever has to.

We were told to wait 6 months before trying again.

[ezl247]

Thanks Jenahdawn and everyone else who has taken the time to read my post. I am still doing bad- nights and mornings are the worst. I can not wait until next week so I can have surgery and move on. This is pure he!!
All i think is: Please g-d let me have another healthy child. I am scared to death of the d&e procedure and the impact on my future fertility.

I have read thrugh every single page of this amd the old thread and it fills me with comfort and hope. I am so happy that most of you have had healthy rainbow babies. I pray that I AM that lucky one day too.

[Kimmiebride]

We pray for your rainbow too ezl247. The d&e shouldn't impact your fertility. Just give yourself time to grieve, and time for your body to heal. It's just so sad to put your hand on your belly and know that it's over, but it's not over. I remember in the ER the doctor saying after my water broke that the heartbeat was slowing. She said it could be a couple of days before he was born, but he did come later that evening. I am sure he passed away before he was born. I felt empty even before he was born in knowing that I wouldn't get to meet him. He was only 18w5d, so not much bigger than your little one. Take care my dear, and know we are all sending you our prayers and hopes and tears.
To all my friends here, I still cherish you all, and know it's hard every time we have a new member to the club no one wants to join. Hugs to you too!
Kimmie

[jenahdawn]

To all my friends here, I still cherish you all, and know it's hard every time we have a new member to the club no one wants to join. Hugs to you too!


Kind of throws everyone into a bit of a funk, doesn't it?

I know it's been said many times before, but I'm saying it again:

I HATE that we have this group, but I am so grateful for all of the support.

[GlamaGal]

ezl- I responded over on the m/c thread, and was going to PM you with this thread info. Again, I am so sorry you are here and so very sorry for your loss.

Each new member I read everyone's replies and I cry for each of them and myself.

[amygrrl]

i say it every time a new person joins this thread... this just SUCKS.

[ezl247]

Well I am back from the hospital, so i am groggy but please try to follow along. It is hard to believe that I live in the the capital of the free world, I do not live somewhere in the country. There is only 1 doctor that performs D&E procedures in the area and I had one scheduled with him BUT my obgyn called there office and CANCELLED my appointment without my permission (BTW I made this appointment the OBYN did not). I feel like I live in Iraq/Iran. I am furious and when I am in a better mental state I will figure out just how deal with them.

When i found out that the procedure was cancelled w/o my permission or knowledge I frantically tried to reschedule with the doctor and book an OR appointment. They could not. The dr office which was going to perform the procedure felt bad for me and told me that I could check into their hospital to deliver. I had no other choice, the baby had been dead for 3 weeks now. So on Wednesday morning I went into the hospital and they performed an induction. I had to labor for 14 hours or so, it was the worst day of my life. Thankfully, I delivered the placenta and did not wind up with a D&C. Everything went medically OK and there was no instumentation used, so I am thankful for that.

I could not bear to see the baby, I was not stong enough to handle this. I feel empty and sick. All I want is to have my baby alive and well but it can not happen and I can not deal with this. I feel like I am in a black hole with no way out.

[poodlelover]

Jeezel, ezl247, I am so incredibly sad for you. You should not have been put through that if that is not what you wanted. OMDG, I just can't understand. I am so sorry. I wish there was something that I could say to make you feel better but all I can really say is that it does get easier with time. It sucks, it just really sucks.

[GlamaGal]

EZL- WHAT???!!! I am beyond peeved about this. That is so wrong. I just- have no words. I am so sorry.

Do not feel bad or beat yourself up about not being able to look at your baby. That does not make you wrong. I couldn't bear the visual either. (((HUGS)))

[ezl247]

Did any of you have to have lots of bloodwork to determine the cause of fetal demise? In 6 weeks they are going to run bloodwork on me to help explain what could cause this. I am freaking out that I have some disorder that killed my baby and will not allow me to have another one. The doctor thought I could have a possible clotting disorder. I am at a total loss as I never had ANY problems with my first two pregnancies.

I am a mess, all I do is go on the internet and look things up, I am causing myself so much stress, I feel like I am crazy. Also, how did you guys get the courage to try again? I am so scared that this will happen again.
I can not get through an hour without crying and thinking about this.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I didn't have lots of bloodwork at all done actually. The tested the placenta to see what they could find with my spontaneous labor and birth. I had a culture taken as well for infection/bacteria. Your doctor is just speculating, try not to worry too much or think too deep into that until you do have bloodwork done. The what if's are horrible

I would honestly just stop researching things on the net, it can make you crazy with so many what if's. You will get the courage to try again, but right now you had a major loss, so just take the time to grieve the passing of the baby. I wasn't suppose to try until after the 6 week pp appt and then when my culture came back positive I had to wait until that cleared (at least 2 weeks more) it took me 8 months after that to get pregnant. My body just needed time to grieve my daughter, regulate the hormones and then I could think about another pregnancy. It happened when the time was right for me.

[ezl247]

Thanks Erica, they also are going to test the placenta and will hopefully have the results back at my 6 week PP checkup. I know I should stop researching, it is killing me. These what ifs are keeping me up at night. I just feel like I will never get through this even with time. My husband thinks I am looney and going off the deep end. He is in a lot of pain too but is coping with it much differently. Did anyone take anti-depressants?

Thanks again to everyone who has replied, this is just such an tramatic event that only someone who has lost a child can relate to. Nobody IRL has any clue what I feel like right now.

[Ericka_Jarett]

it will get better, but it takes time. I am 3 yrs out and honestly I can recall the day just like it was yesterday. I still remember my Rebekah even in my busy life with 3 kids under 2.

I didn't need meds, the OB was keeping a check on my mental state and saw me in December of the same year I lost Rebekah. She wanted to see how I was and she knew I wanted another baby, she wanted to see if I was wanting another baby as a replacement or addition. She was concerned and wanted to make sure if I needed meds or anything that I got the help I needed. I was good though and only wanted children to add to my family not replace Rebekah. She will always be my first born and dearly missed.

Just be gentle with yourself and take the time to grieve. Did you name the baby? That helps some people to have a name to refer to.

[jenahdawn]

I would honestly just stop researching things on the net, it can make you crazy with so many what if's.

This. Over and over, this.

[ezl247]

Jenah: sorry that your IL faked on the walk. Maybe they were not feeling well? Or maybe it is still too hard for them?
"That's how we found out they were mo-mo for sure" What does this mean? Did you test positive for any clotting issues? I think I remember reading that Kimmie tested postive for them.

Ericka: No we did not officially name our baby boy. I am so weak, I could not look at him and can not name him. He was SO much wanted and SO loved. My girls would have been so good with him, my oldest would always say how she wants a brother. I look at my stomach and I of course still look pregnant it is a very sad reminder of what could and should have been. I have bandaged my chest praying that my milk will not come in. If it does that will be a slap in the face.

I am terrified of my future and what it holds. I feel like g-d is punishing me for something. I feel my biological clock ticking away like a time bomb ready to explode.

[GlamaGal]

ezl, reading your posts it reminds me so much of how I felt going through losing my DD. Just sheer- despair. It will get better. Each person has their own grieving process and you can only take it one day at a time.

I never formally named our daughter, but in my heart I recently named her (for my use only). It sealed the deal when I looked again at the boy and girl names we had chosen with that pregnancy. I found a little post-it with the date and what names we had agreed upon. I won't likely mention it to DH for quite a while (he's different about these things), but I am now at peace with the choice. And it's been 6 months getting to this point.

I agree to stop the internet research. That was by far my greatest pitfall.

[amyintn]

ezl247 I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's hard. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I know you will find the strength you need to heal yourself.

__________________________________________________ _____

Me: Amy 29
DH: Josh 32
Married: 6/15/03
TTC: 8/2003
Angel: Twin boy, Caleb Reed 6/13/08 at 19 weeks, 1 day
Cause of loss: PPROM, genetic results pending
Other children:Twin girl, still fighting strong, due 11/07/2008

I've been waiting to join this thread until I was ready. First of all, I wanted to thank everyone who reached out to me through PMs. You don't know how much it was appreciated and helped during what has been the most difficult time of my life.

It was a month Thursday that my water broke on my baby boy. Tomorrow, 7/13 will be a month that he was delivered. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and cry a little. It's been a confusing month.

When I was in the hospital, I was encouraged by the nursing staff, doctors, and family to not mourn my son at this time. There were times I'd wake up in the hospital sobbing and repeating "This was not how this was supposed to happen". The doctors would give me a sedative to calm me and send me back to sleep. Nights were the worse. Even when I got home, I'd wake up from nightmares and my DH trying to calm me down. I now talk in my sleep and suffer from insomnia, my mind racing about everything that has happened.
I spent 5 years trying to get pregnant so to have my water break at 19 weeks was so hard. I thought I was in the clear being in the 2nd trimester. It's a weird feeling to love and miss someone so much that you never really got the chance to know. I guess what I mean is, I wonder what he would have looked like when older, what he would have been like, how he would have interacted with his sister, stuff like that.

Right now, my biggest problem is guilt. I feel so guilty that I haven't really mourned. Everyone is correct, I'm still pregnant with his twin sister and I have to stay strong and positive for her sake. I just feel so much guilt that I think about her all of the time whereas if I think about him, I start crying and I have to force myself from getting to upset for her sake. I can't even go to the cemetery because I'm on bed rest now. My DH has promised to take me to the cemetery as soon as the dr says I can go places in a wheelchair. Even though I got to hold him in the hospital, I still feel as though I never got to say a proper good-bye as I was so drugged from the delivery and numb from the entire experience.

I'm haunted by the fact that he died inside me. My water broke on a Tuesday and when the dr examined me, his little hand was reaching through my cervix as if saying "help". On Wednesday morning when I had an u/s, his heart was still beating strong at 148 and that killed me that he may be suffering. I like to think he didn't suffer and wasn't in pain but I'm so scared that his death was a slow and painful one and that it happened inside me. That hurts the most, the thought that he suffered while inside me, the one person who was supposed to protect him.

What we think happened was that Caleb had a genetic defect. My quad screen had returned with a 1 in 51 of Down's/Trisonomy 18. We were scheduled for a Level II u/s but then my water broke. They performed one in the hospital and the results of the u/s and visual confirmation at delivery were that his bones in his legs and arms were disproportionate. Genetic testing is being done to confirm but we don't have the results as of yet. Before this all happened, my dr kept saying that depending on the results of the u/s and possible amnio, we may have to make the decision to terminate as a possibilty, depending on the severity. If it's true that Caleb suffered from a genetic defect that would have caused him pain or prevented him from living, I'm so grateful to God for having made the decision for me. I know that if I had to make the decision to terminate, I would have never been able to forgive myself.

Right now, I'm in an okay place. The doctors gave me a 5% chance of leaving the hospital still pregnant and here I am 4 weeks later at 23 weeks. My little girl grows stronger everyday. The day I delivered Caleb, I really felt her start moving for the first time and she hasn't stopped since. Her name will be Chloe Rose and I'm so excited to meet her and to someday tell her about her angel twin who watches over her from heaven.

Take care,
Amy

[Ericka_Jarett]

Amy - I am so sorry you had to join our group. I will keep you in prayer for the rest of your pregnancy. Your Chloe has her brother as her guardian angel now. There will always be a special place in her heart for him. Even though your little Caleb is no longer here, you will always be a twin momma. Please keep us updated on your pregnancy.

[ezl247]

Amy I am so sorry for the loss of your son Caleb. Try to remain strong the best you can for Chole. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please check in whne you can to give us updates.

[pocahontas]

I spent 5 years trying to get pregnant so to have my water break at 19 weeks was so hard. I thought I was in the clear being in the 2nd trimester. It's a weird feeling to love and miss someone so much that you never really got the chance to know. I guess what I mean is, I wonder what he would have looked like when older, what he would have been like, how he would have interacted with his sister, stuff like that.

Even though I got to hold him in the hospital, I still feel as though I never got to say a proper good-bye as I was so drugged from the delivery and numb from the entire experience.

On Wednesday morning when I had an u/s, his heart was still beating strong at 148 and that killed me that he may be suffering.
AMY...I haven't posted here much lately because at long last we are TTC again and I'm trying to keep my positive focus on that but reading you story I felt compelled to respond because a lot of it I could have written 8 months ago. :(

Although I didn't spend 5 years TTC, it was 2 years (which at my age seems like 5 :rolleyes: ) several IUIs, Clomid pills, and finally one IVF to conceive my son. I, too, felt like I was in the clear at 24 weeks! Heck another 2 weeks and I was in the 3rd tri! I can also relate to feeling like your son suffered and that you could have done something to stop the suffering because when my water broke (also on a Tuesday just like you) and we got to the hospital, DS h/b was still 150 which is normal, but seeing him on the u/s just lying there in a weird position not moving made me know he wasn't alright despite the fact that his h/b was great. And that fact was made more clear after I delivered him and he had some bruises on his shoulder/chest area and arm that let me know he was struggling in there or in distress during delivery. I know the feeling of not getting to say a proper good-bye because honestly, I was so dazed after it all happened so fast (not to mention it was the wee morning hours) that all I could do is just stare at him in disbelief. So I am offering all the {{{HUGS}}} and support I can muster for you because there is truly nothing like losing your first born. I always thought if I had a kid or two to go home to I know it would lessen the blow slightly, but going home to an empty crib and your four walls, BLOWS. And to top it off struggling to even conceive that first born for 2, 3, 4, and 5 years only to have to give them up, bites even worse. So if you ever need an ear, I'm only a PM away.

[jennylou]

ezl - the more you post about your dr, the more angry I get for you. Seriously, he sounds like an ass that needs fired. I can't speak enough good things for my Dr. After Andrew died, she called me personally to tell me how sorry she was. When I called a few days after being released because I thought I had a UTI, she called me back herself (instead of a nurse) and told me to come in any time the next morning and she'd squeeze me in (this from a Dr who regularly had an hour plus wait to see her). When I got there, they had me pee in a cup and within a few minutes she rushed me and DH back into an exam room. Then she let me out the back exit so that I didn't have to go through a waiting room of pregnant ladies and babies. My point is that she showed compassion to us (DH and myself) and went out of her way for us, that has continued to this day. Maybe it's because she's a young mother herself (she was pregnant when we lost our son, so maybe it really impacted her) - but she was exactly what I needed a Dr to be.

As for the courage to try again - I've always felt the call to be a mother. DH and I went through some IF (minor compared to some others) prior to getting pregnant with DS. I remember coming home that first day and just clinging to DH, sobbing in the nursery. We just knew we had to try again. I'm not going to say that ttc was easy - it sucked when it we'd get a BFN, really sucked. But, ttc, we at least felt some hope.

Amy - I'm so sorry for your loss. And now on bedrest? Ick! That's got to be tough, plenty of time to sit around and just think about your DS. :( While I agree that you should try to focus a bit on your DD, if you need to grieve your son, you need no one's permission. You lost a son, a child and it's okay to acknowledge that and still be able to look forward to the birth of your daughter.

[jenahdawn]

"That's how we found out they were mo-mo for sure" What does this mean? Did you test positive for any clotting issues?

1st question:

There are 3 medically different "flavors" of twins. (Most people think there are only fraternal and identical)

di-di (meaning each is in their own amnion and chorion)~usually fraternal
mo-di (each in their own amnion but share the chorion, or maybe I have that backwards)~Always identical
mo-mo~they are in the same amnion and chorion~always identical. This type is the most rare and can have the most problems, TTTS, cord entanglement. Every appointment we had we had a ultrasound to look for a membrane separating them (mo-di) and it was never found.

No, we tested negative. But my doctor was proactive and did every test he could for me. Most docs refuse to do testing until there are 3 losses.

~~~~~~~~~~

Amy,

Sad Welcome.

Didn't realize the name you picked for your fighter....took the wind out of me for a bit. (Katie Rose and Chloe Dawn) Don't feel like you need to explain yourself or apologize for how you have or have not grieved.

[jenahdawn]

Amy, I was thinking about you last night.

You know, after I had L, I had the biggest cry. It was as if every emotion in the past 14 months (at the time) had come back all at once. No one "warned" me about that. I knew it was some hormones, but it was just so...everything.

[GlamaGal]

Amy- (((hugs))) for the loss of your son. I think you need to give yourself a lot of pats on the back, because you are doing an amazing job of nurturing your daughter through what is an incredibly difficult time. I really have no other words, except that this group was and is so helpful dealing with the loss of a child, a wanted member of the family.

[ezl247]

Today my husband went back to work. It has been 6 days since I delivered. He told me our lives have to try and go back to as normal as possible. I started having a panic attack last night but we talked about it and since I am still off from work this week we decided that I should go to the design center to pick out backsplash for my kitchen- to get my mind off of things. I somehow managed to pull myself together after crying and got dressed, got the kids dressed and dropped my oldest off at camp. This is the first time since I found out that I have gotten dressed for the day it was so hard.

So I got to the design center and the lady who was helping me was pregnant with her 3rd. She looked so happy and could not shut up about her pregnancy and kept rubbing her belly. She asked me if I had kids and how many. I immediately became panicked and left without saying anything. I really feel like I am being punished, why is life so cruel to me? I can not get over this anger and sadness.

I ordered some books which people recommended to me. Maybe they will bring me comfort, they are supposed to arrive on Thursday. I also scheduled my six week follow-up and again the receptionist said oh ok you just had a baby….. I said well I had a fetal demise and then had to deliver…. I have had such bad luck lately (this is an understatement) and I am worried that I will never be able to have kids again. My mind wanders and I think this is as good as it gets. I ask myself why did this happen over and over again. What the he!! is wrong with me? What disease do I have? It seems like second trimester miscarriages are more ominous in the fact that there is something wrong with the mom. If I had IC or PROM at least I would have some peace of mind knowing what happened (not why of course). But this way I have no clue as to what went wrong- everything seemed normal. I have even looked into surrogacy along with all the costs and thought about what loans I can take out to pay for it. I am REALLY going crazy. Did any one else have these thoughts?

Does anyone know how I can find a mental counselor trained in child loss? Did anyone use this type of service? I am amazed by how strong you all are. Did you ever question whether you could have kids again?

Also some of you mentioned LJ? It is a blog right? Maybe I should start one so I can get my feelings out. I just want to make sure it is private.

Thanks for reading my book…

[jennylou]

ezl - I think the SHARE website has support groups listed as well as grief counselors.

[amyintn]

Does anyone know how I can find a mental counselor trained in child loss? Did anyone use this type of service? I am amazed by how strong you all are. Did you ever question whether you could have kids again?


I know when I delivered, the hospital had a social worker who was made available to us to help deal with our loss.

I would try contacting the hospital to see if they have anything available like that to you.

Also, if either you or your husband's work has an EAP program, you can contact them and they'll set you up with a counselor. It's normally free for the first few visits and then there is a charge for subsequent visits. I know some people who have used the program at my various jobs and they've all had wonderful experiences.

And, i don't know what kind of insurance you have but some health insurances have programs that are free services that will help you find doctors and therapists to help you when you've experienced something like this. I have Blue Cross/Blue Shield HMO and this is something that is offered through my plan.

I hope you find someone soon. I know this is such a difficult time.

Amy

[Ericka_Jarett]

ezl - lj can be public, friends only or private for you only.

I use to blame myself for my daughter's passing. It was tough for the first few months. Even when I got pregnant with my son, we still didn't have a concrete answer as to what happened to cause my early labor. The peri speculated 5 things it could have been, and so we were able to act on them just in case it really was one or a combo of things that caused it. I remember telling my husband I can't even grow a plant (all the plants for her memorial ended up dying over a few weeks time, even though I watered them and all) My doctors in my pregnacies after my daughter were all terrific and really set my mind at ease. Especially the one after my Rebekah. He was going to make darn sure that I carried past my 24 weeks and as close to at least 34 weeks as he could get me, I was 35w 6d when I delivered even with 100% effacement at 30 weeks and steroid shots at that time. Had 16 weeks on bedrest with him. The peri I saw with my girls was awesome and very pro-active and we talked about steps we would take immediately once we discovered it was twins. I was able to carry my girls to 35w 5d and without bedrest at all.

I never thought of having someone else carry my baby. I never saw anyone after my loss.

I figured would try and get pregnant again and would proceed with it and praying that all would be ok with the baby. I told hubby way back when we lost Rebekah that I pray that her passing would help me to help others. It recently came to pass that it helped in having to be able to speak with one of our MOMs that lost her twin daughter.

[jenahdawn]

He told me our lives have to try and go back to as normal as possible.

Why?

Does anyone know how I can find a mental counselor trained in child loss? Did anyone use this type of service? I am amazed by how strong you all are. Did you ever question whether you could have kids again?

Our obgyn told us about our's. Then, when I went to the local support group meeting (ask your ob's office or contact your local Compassionate Friends chapter for help there), I found out that several of them went to the same psychologist.

Did I ever question it? Every day until I delivered Lilly almost 8 months ago now. (Pregnancy After a Loss....that book helped me.)

[GlamaGal]

If I learned anything from other moms who dealt with a loss, it was that husband's deal with the loss differently. If I didn't have that, I'm sure our marriage would have suffered a great deal. DH was a lot like yours in that he wanted to move forward (even when I was still pregnant and knew her fate) way before I was ready. However, he suffered in other ways that surfaced as stomach issues, anxiety, etc.

When I went to the funeral to do the cremation they gave me a packet with a grief counselor's number (free). I never used it. The hospital chaplain was very comforting and I still have her card. I used LJ and leaned on a lot of the other girls for support. It felt good just to let it out with no fear of judgment and that was my therapy. But do find a person IRL if you think you need it.

Some of the first thoughts than ran through my mind after the horrible news were thoughts of adoption and surrogacy. Then I realized what I feared was out of my control, just as adoption and surrogacy would be. You will worry about your children no matter how they come to fruition.

[jennylou]

Husbands have typically been in the role of protector and provider. I think that's why, in a situation like this, husbands want us to "get back to normal". My DH wanted me to go back to work when he did (two weeks). At first, I was considering it - but my OB stepped in and said no, that I needed at least a few more weeks, but she wanted at least six. After all, I was recovering from major abdominal surgery. So, I ended up staying home. That ended up being better for me than I think rushing back would have done. I did need to heal some, physically. But, I also needed some time to do things like take the first drive in my car - the car that had the base installed, ready for baby. I needed time to take that base out. Each thing was a reminder and I needed to work through those firsts at home, not at work. One of my first days back at work I answered the phone. I answered the phone to a higher level person in the county. The way the county worked, you didn't see people from different depts all the time, unless they were somehow related. Anyways, this guy was the county ombudsman - he handled complaints. So, we did a lot of phone conversations with him, but it was sporadic. Anyways, when I answered the phone and he knew it was me, he was shocked that I was back in the office already. Then, he asked how the baby was and I lost it. Poor guy felt horrible, but it's not like they sent a memo out, kwim? He couldn't stop apologizing to the one guy that he actually called for. Meanwhile, I'm in the bathroom sobbing away and this is seven or eight weeks out. I don't think I could have handled that at two weeks out. I was able to recompose myself after five or ten minutes. I think if it had happened two weeks out I might have been in there a whole lot longer. So, although our DH just want what is best for us, sometimes we have to take that time for ourselves. DH was all about throwing himself into work, I was not. That's not to say DH didn't grieve. He did, and still does.

[ezl247]

It was a week yesterday that I delivered my baby boy. I think because I already have kids everyone (family, friends) think I should be thankful for what I have and try to move on from this tragedy. My husband went to Mexico for his brothers bachelors party today. DH tells me that he is going with a heavy heart but since he is the best man and this is his brother he has to go. My parents are coming to stay with me over the weekend. My parents are sad too that they lost a grandchild BUT tell me over and over again I have to remain strong for my kids. Ugh I feel awful, I lost my baby and of course I am thankful for my other kids. Nobody IRL seems to understand.

I find myself avoiding places that I used to go to. I could not take my DD2 to her music class today because I did not want to see all of the pregnant moms (who are my friends) and did not to want to see anyone who knew I was pregnant. I can not deal with all the what happened, I am so sorry stuff. My other daughter has a camp party today and I am thinking of trying to dodge that too. But since she is there already and parents are invited to come I have to be there otherwise it will break her heart. I have to go back to work on Monday- I am so scared of that too.

Thankfully, my milk never came in although I did have some thin crust on both my nipples. The sports bra and ace bandage worked, thanks for your advice. I am still bleeding though and am anxious for it to stop. The packet that the hospital sent home said 2 weeks of bleeding. Was that correct?

Amy- I looked at the packet that the hospital put together for me and there were some resources including private counselors. How are you doing?? How is baby Chloe?
I have contacted a private counselor and will attend the SHARE group session the first Wed in August.

Erica- You give me such hope, you have 3 healthy rainbow babies! Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Lori- are situations are similar in that we have previous children and our husbands are acting similar. I think once I have the genetic results back and my blood work back – I will stop wondering about the what ifs. Right now, I have been researching clotting factors way too much. Hopefully, there is nothing wrong with me and if there is something wrong, it is treatable and I will be blessed with a healthy child.

Jenny- How are you feeling? I am sure you are so nervous and excited. Do you know what you are having?

Jenah - Thanks for the book information, I ordered it but I am now where near ready to try again. I am also glad to know that counseling and support groups worked for you. Hopefully they will give me some relief.

Kimmie- if you get chance can you tell me about your clotting factor diagnosis? Did you have to do heparin shots? Were the doctors confident that this would not hinder you carrying another baby? I know you have a rainbow Josh so obviously is worked for you!

[Ericka_Jarett]

I was working a part time summer job that I worked at years earlier. I was in the office the day I was having my pains with Rebekah and only 1 person knew I was leaving for the day because of some pain I was having. Mostly everyone else was out to lunch so I had her tell my boss I had to leave. That night I called after hours to leave a voicemail that I wouldn't be in the next day. The next day I called again and said I wouldn't be in and possibly not for the rest of the week. (everyone knew I was pregnant with a daughter) I wrote my friend that had told the boss for me. I told her why I wasn't in and to please let the bosses know. The one boss wrote me and said to please take as much time as I needed they totally understood and my job was still there for me if/and/or when I wanted to come back. She was really understanding and they nicely let the office know that the baby had passed and I was taking an extended leave. My husband said that I didn't have to go back if I didn't want to, but I did because otherwise I would just sit and think about Rebekah and end up crying. I went back after Mother's Day (we had gone to Chicago for the weekend, already pre-planned and paid before I lost Rebekah) The staff was so nice and said welcome back and they said they were sorry to hear about my loss. No one asked questions, I talked when I wanted to about it. My bosses were happy to see me back and said if I needed to talk to anyone, to feel free. (the company was in the middle of busy season) The office sent a planter to me and paid me for the whole week (which was nice because since I had started in February I only worked 4 days a week, I delivered in April) I went back after I had my son (he was 7 months) and was pregnant with the girls, they loved getting to see him (gave him a t-shirt and the CEO gave us a baseball bear) and when they read his onesie that said I am the big brother to twins, they were in shock.

When I was pregnant with Easton, it was Rebekah's 1 yr anniversary of her birth and I cried after reading a card from my bff. I had my good cry and then said I have to be strong for this little one I was carrying. I see my girls and can't help think which one would Rebekah look like. My girls look quite different from each other.

No matter how far out from your loss you get, you will still get I'm sorry if you mention you lost your son or anything like that. When people see my necklace (I have 4 charm kids on a chain, one of each of my kids) they ask me how old they are or their names. I tell them my oldest daughter would have been 3, my son is 22 months and my twin girls are 8 months. They say we are sorry to hear about your daughter. I just say thank you and leave it at that. My ex-bf had sent me an email congratulating me on my pregnancy with my Rebekah, I wrote back and said sadly she passed away and he said he was sorry to hear that. If people don't see my with my kids, but ask how many kids I have I say 4 but 1 passed or something similar, depends on the situation really. For people that know me from before my pregnancy and during, can't avoid them forever, so if they didn't know I lost Rebekah and commented, I just tell them that she passed away. Usually nothing more is asked.

[GlamaGal]

ezl-I think you will look back and see how strong you actually are. You will also see yourself getting stronger. I saw myself moving through the stages of grief- some of them slower than others, sure. I've gotten to a place where there are a few key memories that I cannot go over to save my sanity. Just some things get blocked out. Also, some of those sad moments were made into better memories with baby boy (same office, same dr.'s, same tests, but better results, etc.) and so now I re-live those.

As far as answers, I know with my m/c I wondered "why?". With my daughter, the why was answered on the same day as we got the bad news. I can honestly tell you I often wanted to be someone who had no why. Since mine is something that can recur, I just felt literally hopeless at times, like DD1 was a miraculous fluke and I was doomed for no more. Now, I know I can be strong and I can only do so much to create a healthy baby. The rest is a leap of faith. I am so glad I took the leap of faith each time I feel baby boy move.

I remember meeting these ladies online and seeing that they went on to have other children, and that gave me great hope. You will do same. But of course many of us see our past selves in you at this time and understand that, unfortunately, time is a necessary piece of this painful process. Just know it will get better, but that everyone has their own pace to grieve their child. Please be kind to yourself and get lots of rest.

[amyintn]

ezl Thinking of you and hoping that you are doing okay.

[jenahdawn]

Had a nightmare last night.

Someone had kidnapped L and we were those parents you see on tv begging for her to be safely returned...but she wasn't.

Why am I feeling so paranoid about her safety lately? Maybe I'm still blaming myself hardcore for what happened to her sisters? I thought I'd reconciled that, but maybe I haven't?

[GlamaGal]

Jenah- what a horrid dream. I've had those with DD and she's our first. After DD2 died, I did become a bit more obsessive about DD. Going in all.the.time to check on her, etc., when I had been going about once per night.

I despise the news. There seems to be a lot of bad things occurring to children, and about half the time it's the parent. I avoided all of that after DD2 died, but lately have been watching it again. Not a good idea.

[ezl247]

Amy - thanks for thinking of me, I am hanging in there. How are you doing? How is baby Chloe? I pray for you every single night!

Ericka and Glamma- Thanks for responding. Right now time seems cruel there is so much of it that it makes for a lot of crying.

Jenah - I have these types of dreams as well- like losing my girls to some type of awful disease. I think it is understandable considering our losses.

Its been 2 weeks today, time is going so slow. I went back to work on Monday. Ugh, was that tough. Thankfully, most people just emailed me and said they were sorry. I noticed that a lot of people are avoiding me. I left my door closed all day and no one stepped in until I was about to leave. 2 of my close co-workers came in and I lost it. One started crying when she said she was sorry (we had been though 2 pregnancies together). It was really sad to replay the story. It's funny sometimes when I tell my story I feel like I am taking about someone else- like I could never go through this. Then I realize that I am telling the story of myself and get that nervous/anxious feeling.

I got to a good chapter in the book- Empty Cradle Broken Heart- It is the one about anger, failure and guilt (chapter 6). I am in this phase I feel all of these emotions and can not let go. I am stuck. ALL I replay in my head is - walking into the sonogram room and hearing "no heartbeat" and that 12 hour delivery process- it’s a nightmare.

We had a trip scheduled to Miami this Friday with the girls- before all of this happened. I will not go on the plane for fear that I do have a clotting disorder and it will kill me next and that my girls will grow up without me. Or I think maybe the girls inherited a clotting disorder from me and something will happen to them on the plane. OMG I am so paranoid. It is awful my mind is tired with all these irrational thoughts. My husband is understanding but I know he thinks I am nuts and tells me every day to go to a therapist (which I have not done yet ( I have only contacted one- but have not made an appointment). I am dragging my feet for some reason)..

Other than that things are going Ok for me. I managed to get a few things done around the house and have caught up on laundry and cleaning. I am getting back to my daily household routines. I am also watching TV which is good to take my mind off of things.

[off2skl]

Sorry, I've been MIA. It's sad to see a few new members.

I just passed my due date (the 25th). It actually wasn't too bad. We had planned a weekend trip to San Francisco in part to get past that date. Overall I've been OK, but today I had a melt down.

Today we heard now that the sixth person we know is expecting...all since our loss (which was in March). While I'm happy for them at the same time I'm tired of being happy for everyone else. I keep thinking I should have my little boy with me now instead of starting all over again and it's so unfair! And August marks a year since I went off BCP.

Everyone else seems to be getting pregnant (mind you not without their struggles; 2 of the pregnancies are via IVF) and I haven't been able to yet (again granted I've only had two cycles since the loss, but I'm also irregular which doesn't make it easy. We were so lucky to get pregnant so quickly last time and I was so hoping for it to happen that way again...). And I know beign upset about it doesn't help either.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent and knew that you all would understand.

[Kimmiebride]

ezl247, sorry I was missing for a while... sometimes I don't get my announcements about new posts! Yes, I was the one with the clotting disorders, and got the blood clots in my lungs after we lost Robert. Make sure you get tested, and if they find you have one (or two like me) then they can take extra care of you. I took 2 shots of Lovenox in my belly a day for the whole pregnancy and about 10 months after. Right now I am not on any anti-coagulation meds because my hematologist strongly feels that I only have the clotting problems when I am pregnant, and am at risk for a while after, but not generally. I was on coumadin after we lost Robert, and for some reason they could never get my dosage right and stabilize my clotting ratio. I was either too low and in danger or way to high and in danger the other way. We are flying next week, and of course I am nervous. When you are ready to fly again, just make sure you do things to keep you safe... wear compression stockings, move your feet, legs and get up and walk whenever possible. Drink A LOT of water, and no alcohol. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!!

off2skl, ugh! I hated that everyone around me seemed to be pregnant. My neighbor was pregnant when we lost Robert, and I kept thinking how unfair it was (while very happy for her) - our kids were supposed to be six months a part. The ironic thing is that her daughter and Josh ARE 6months a part. My mom said that to me one time when I was crying... she actually said, "you never know, maybe they will be 6 months apart..., just the other way." Anyway, good luck getting pregnant again. It will happen.
hugs to all,
Kimmie

[MrsSpencer]

I'm a member of the m/c thread, I just wanted to lend my thoughts and prayers and support. I posted this there, but thought it also belonged here.

A Lifetime Wish
If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back;
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.
But, I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

- Author Unknown -

[GlamaGal]

off2skl- just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Inadvertently, I lost all of my subscribed threads and so I didn't get any updates on this thread for the last few weeks. There were 7 babies born around my DD2's due date. It's sometimes hard to see those babies because it reminds me of how old she'd be, what she'd be doing, etc. It took us a long time to conceive, too, but there wasn't any diagnosed infertility. Are you charting and using OPKs, etc.? That made me feel more "in control". We did get lucky this time and conceived right when we were "allowed". I hope to hear some good news from you soon! ((HUGS))

ezl- I hope you're doing well.

[jennylou]

off2skl - how are you doing?

ezl247 - how about you? How are you since returning to work?

Nora, our rainbow baby recently celebrated her second birthday. Hard to believe how big, how quick she has gotten! Some times, it seems like an eternity since her brother left us, while other times, it's still very, very fresh to me. We're due very soon with another rainbow baby and I'm very thankful, but also have that new fear of what ifs. Since we lost Andrew after birth, that's the time I fear most (whereas, those of you who lost babies during pregnancy probably fear while pregnant more). This new little one will come home on an apnea machine - just like his/her big sister Nora did. I swear, that machine was the only thing that allowed me to sleep for the first six months! Now that we are old pros on how to use it, I suppose our first few nights won't be so horrible (the monitor kept going off as we weren't putting the band on tight enough, in the right spot, etc).

Anyways, I hope each of you are doing well and think of you all often. I hope that for our newest members, you are getting through the days as gently as possible. That's all you can do at first - heck, sometimes I just counted down the minutes as the days would seem too long to make it through! To the old timers, I know many of us have recently passed or are due to pass three year anniversaries - hugs to you all. For Astro - I still think about you often.