Late Term Loss, Stillbirth, Infant Loss and Toddler Loss Support Group [Archive] - Page 3

pocahontas

11-20-2009, 02:19 PM

I found it interesting that nearly all of the women at the support group last night had bleeding throughout their pregnancies, and so did I. Each time when we would go get checked, everything was determined to be fine. I think that all of my bleeding had something to do with my water breaking.

FWIW...with my first born I had bleeding too. :( There was a subchorionic hematoma discovered at 6w 3d with me that we theorize was a vanishing twin. But it led to 3 bright red bleeding episodes before I even got out of the first tri (the last being at 11 weeks and landing me in L&D). The bleeding did subside around 13/14ish weeks but from what I've read (and I researched like hell after losing my son because I wanted to know what could prevent it from happening again) the damage had already been done because a sch bleed can weaken your amniotic sac. (My water broke just like yours). One person described blood like that as sandpaper rubbing up against your bag of waters...eventually, it's going to irritate it to it's breaking point. So I think you are right to believe that the two are related...after all my research I certainly do! And incidentally, in this pregnancy although I did spot brown for a few weeks (between week 5 and almost 10ish) it never turned bright red and there weren't any clotty gushes. So definitely a difference. I hope that if you do decide to try again bleeding won't be an issue.

scout

11-20-2009, 02:41 PM

I think you are right to believe that the two are related...after all my research I certainly do! I'm sorry you had the same experience. I dismissed my bleeding with the baby I lost, because I had bleeding with both full term babies (although not as much). Because of this, it worries me for future pregnancies.

Ericka_Jarett

11-22-2009, 11:38 AM

sorry been away for a while, we are getting ready to move and working on getting the closing of the house done (tomorrow finally)

Comments from people - as mentioned we all get them, I don't get asked much anymore how many kids I have, but after I had my son, they would say ahhh, your first he is so cute. I sometimes would say actually he is my 2nd and leave it at that. Sometimes if people only see me with my son or with the twins they will ask, and I say I have 4 kids, 1 is in Heaven with her pop-pop. Just depends on my mood really.

If my OB said that to me I would without question find someone else or at least consult with a perinatologist to get under their care. Sure sometimes things are "flukes" but it's a fluke you want to make sure doesn't happen to you again if you can help it. A lot of my friends were surprised I stayed with my OB practice I did after losing Rebekah, but I said well I don't only see them, I see a specialist so I feel comfortable. I hated to leave my peri when I got to 32 weeks, he said he no longer needed to see me that my OB's will check me weekly and he wanted to get a picture of the baby. Well my OB didn't check me weekly (she was the very first OB/GYN I saw at this place) she said I don't want to check you weekly cause that can introduce a risk of infection, we will check you in 2 weeks since your pessary is holding nicely and you are on bedrest. So the day she checked me was the day for removal and that was delivery day. With my twins as I mentioned, I only saw a perinatalogist as we were in a new state and he was highly recommended and they also had regular OB's in the office. I credit my peri and the Lord for getting me all the way through that pregnancy with no issues but my GD. My care with the peri's was outstanding, highly recommend you find one in your area and get copies of your medical records from your OB to be able to give to a peri, for any future pregnancies you have. With my Rebekah the OB had the placenta sent to a pathologist and he found Chorioamnionitis (placenta infection) and another issue with her cord where it connected to her, but they don't think that was the issue, they know the Chorio was for sure what took her life, as it was in her blood stream and in another week if she hadn't been delivered, I could have died as it would have gotten into my blood stream as well. And I got it from an incompetent cervix.

scout

11-25-2009, 01:04 PM

ericka Congrats on the house! :)

Sure sometimes things are "flukes" but it's a fluke you want to make sure doesn't happen to you again if you can help it. Definitely. My DH is going to switch our insurance so we can switch doctors. Our HMO really limits us.

I went back to school on Monday. My students were unbelievably sweet. People at work pretty much avoided me with the exception of a few who popped in to see how I was doing. It's really lonely losing a baby, isn't it? It's very lonely to know that out of all of the people this could have happened to, it happened to ME. Not the women who complain endlessly about being pregnant or about the women who BOOM! get pregnant so easily and glide through everything, but me. I've never taken pregnancy for granted and I feel like I could have done without this "lesson".

It's just lonely.

THinking of all of you during the Thanksgiving holiday.

Ericka_Jarett

11-25-2009, 01:32 PM

Thanks scout.

It is a lonely feeling when others around you don't know how you feel or what your thoughts are. With my husband after we had Rebekah, most of his "guy friends" from church didn't talk to him or ask how he was. I think it may have to do with they didn't know what to say so they thought better to stay away and not say anything, but that hurt my husband. He was hurting just like I was, sure he didn't carry our daughter, but he saw me hurting and missing her so much and he didn't get the chance to bond with her like I did as she grew in me. He got to hold her hand after birth before I even saw her and then hold her all wrapped up. Whenever I talk about Rebekah, most of the time I know the people I am talking to have no idea what I feel inside about my experience, they can't say they know what I am going through. (I know you had a miscarriage as well as an infant loss now, so know both experiences unfortunately.) A friend from my twins club had many miscarriages before she finally was able to conceive her twins and she has heard my story and has cried and said I can't even imagine the pain you feel.

My husband is the area coordinator as well as on the board for NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, bereavement photography for 24 weeks +) and I hate those phone calls from social workers from hospitals that I get. I can't help but cry for those parents and pray, since they too will be losing a child and those around them will try to comfort them the best way they know how, but have no idea what they feel. I am grateful for this group of awesome ladies on this thread, you all do know what it feels like to loss a baby you want and love. So many of the parents out there have no where to turn to talk about it. I pray one day no one ever has to join a "group" like ours.

pocahontas

11-25-2009, 03:23 PM

I am grateful for this group of awesome ladies on this thread, you all do know what it feels like to loss a baby you want and love.

AMEN to that! This group was invaluable...and still is!

scout

11-26-2009, 03:03 PM

So many of the parents out there have no where to turn to talk about it That's the worst part. Nobody wants to talk about it. I'm at my inlaws for Thanksgiving and not one person mentioned anything about my baby dying. I went through an incredibly traumatic thing, and not one person mentioned anything. At dinner, I said that I had to lose some weight because I'm probably the only person who went into the hospital to give birth and actually ended up gaining weight. There was a very long, awkward silence and then somebody changed the subject. I ended up going into the bathroom to cry for ten minutes.

pocahontas

11-26-2009, 08:06 PM

:( I'm so sorry that happened Scout as I know the "elephant in the room" syndrome well. I don't know why so many of our losses occur during this time of year (think there are 5 or 6 of us) making the holidays feel like something you have to drag yourself through, but I came to realize as a result that we make people uncomfortable. They don't know how to handle being around us, what to say to us or how they should act. My son died 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and I didn't even want to go to MIL's even though my mom, sister, and niece would all be there and had come 400 miles to be there for me because I felt like *I* was the reason the holidays would be less festive...like *I* was the one now bringing this dark cloud to dinner whereas just a few weeks before Thanksgiving was going to be this light-hearted affair because everyone was so giddy for us. But now everyone was going to give me the sympathy/pity look and I just didn't want to deal. I know that was rough to have to deal with and I'm sure they didn't have a clue how to respond to your statement even though it seems like a no brainer to us.

ETA: Don't know if you all saw but someone in my Mommy Thread just lost her son about 3 weeks after birth. I invited her here whenever she is ready because I know she will need the kind of support this thread is great for.

GlamaGal

11-26-2009, 09:05 PM

You really do come in here and feel like you are no longer alone. The holidays are hard. I'm one of us whose lost a baby during them. November 29 (the day we got the news) and Dec. 4 (the day she was returned to the Lord) are days that I'll never forget. Yet, my other children have birthdays around these days, and Thanksgiving is here. It's a happy and sad time.

It is so hurtful: the unsaid. I think people feel like it IS such a painful, horrible thing that they would rather shy away from the subject, rather than say something that could in any way cause you pain. I guess before it happened to me maybe I'd rather avoid it than say, I'm so sorry for your loss, in case it would make them cry. Even if it was the proper thing to do I'd rather have saved them that pain. Now, I know that by speaking those few words I am not only letting them know I am thinking of them, but acknowledging their child existed. Which is all I could think of at her time of death. Does anyone miss her? Do they even realize she existed? Do they know the joy she made while she was here?

((HUGS)) to those of you hurting. I'm thinking of you.

scout

11-27-2009, 01:30 PM

pochahantas I'm so saddened to hear of that mom who lost her baby. I'm glad you told her about this group. We will all be there for her, and I'm praying for her and her baby.

I know the "elephant in the room" syndrome well Ugh. It's so terrible. I know what you mean about bringing the dark cloud to dinner. I feel like I have to act upbeat and happy, when I'm not to avoid spoiling everyone's nice time.

I think people feel like it IS such a painful, horrible thing that they would rather shy away from the subject, rather than say something that could in any way cause you pain I'm sure that's it. I'm sure they don't want to bring it up in case it "reminds" me of what happened, but I haven't stopped thinking about it. I know that I will definitely change how I treat people who have lost somebody, that's for sure.

Continuing to think and pray for all of you. I am finding more "good" days and times of peace and comfort. The bad times just sneak up on me out of nowhere, though.

jennylou

11-27-2009, 05:35 PM

Scout - the bad times still sneak up on me and we're 4.5 years out. I don't know that the bad times won't ever not sneak up, but they're less....intense? Yes, I'll cry and remember, but it's not like those early take your breath out, rip your heart out sneak up on you times. Holidays are tough. I remember our first Thanksgiving after losing Andrew...it sucked.

akacharlotte

11-30-2009, 05:11 PM

akacharlotte
Me: Stacey, turning 37 in a week
DH: J, 34
Married: 4/21/07
Angel: Liam Charles, 11/6/09-11/25/09
Cause of loss: gene deletion on chromosome 16. We are pending the results of DNA testing of our chromosome 16 to determine if this was a fluke or a gene issue passed from one of us. Those results should be in at the end of this week or possibly next.
Other children: None but praying God will bless us again.

I don't even know what to say right now. I think I'm still in shock and I know I have not even started the real mourning process. The last 6 days are a blur. My mom flew in to be with me this week and I know once she is gone reality is going to hit me very hard. I'm ready for time to be alone though to mourn. Our friends and family have been very supportive and we are grateful for everything they have and are doing for us.

I don't know what else to write right now. My mind sometimes races with questions that seem so stupid but they are there and worries over the future and what ifs.

Ericka_Jarett

11-30-2009, 06:13 PM

Stacey - hugs to you!!!! Hate that you had to join our group, but glad to see you came here for support, venting, listening ears. I am sorry to read that you lost Liam, I got to look at his pictures and he is beautiful, I'm so sorry (I'm sitting here in tears, was just telling my husband about you having a NILMDTS photographer taking photos for you (he is an area coordinator for our area)

-----------------------------------------------

scout - as Jenny mentioned, the bad times sneak up on you, we are also 4 1/2 yrs out and it still gets to me. I didn't loss my Rebekah at Thanksgiving or Christmas, I lost her around Easter time and 6 days after my birthday (my husband had given me 2 gifts, one was for me personally and the other was a beautiful pink dress for our daughter to wear one day). I remember the first holidays without her before I got pregnant with Easton, they were rough.

I pray Peace for all of you during this time of year. Hugs to all of you

scout

11-30-2009, 08:06 PM

akacharlotte I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Liam. I will say a special prayer for him and you tonight. Many, many hugs for you.

My mind sometimes races with questions that seem so stupid but they are there and worries over the future and what ifs. This is all very new for me right now too, but please feel free to share any questions or worries with us.

Ericka_Jarett

11-30-2009, 09:26 PM

I forgot to add earlier, as Scout just mentioned from your quote about your mind racing with questions.

NO question is ever stupid, the worries and fears are natural and as scout said PLEASE feel free to ask any of them. We may not have the answers but we know the what ifs too well and can totally relate to them with you. So please any time you need to just vent, talk, ask questions or anything at all, please feel free to do so. I know I had so many what ifs with my losing Rebekah, and I talked about them to anyone that would listen to me. The what ifs, if kept inside, can eat you to death, better to type them out there and go from there. I know after I lost Rebekah I had horrible nights getting to sleep (I needed Tylenol PM or sleep aids to help me sometimes) and if I had thoughts going through my head, the one thing that helped me was to just get up and type it all out, had to clear my head as much as I could. It helped me a lot.

I re-lived the day she was born as if it happened just minutes before, even today 4 1/2 yrs later I can still remember that day like it was just yesterday. I look back at the webpage my husband made for her and he used a journal excerpt I typed on CC and I can just see all the nurses faces and feel it all over again. I needed to get those thoughts out though, to help me. In the end it's helped others understand just what I went through and my feelings for my baby girl that watches over me and my family from Heaven now. We had said after Rebekah passed that we wanted her life to matter and be used in some way. What I experienced has helped me be able to reach out to a mom in our twins club that lost her precious Lilly while she still cared for her infant son Jack who was in the NICU still clinging to life (He just turned 1 this summer :) ) I am able to make others understand how to help a hurting friend that suffered a loss. Not everyone can do it, and that's ok. I can usually get through talking about her without crying now, but give me time to think about her alone and I cry. When I heard our club president mention last October about it being Infant Loss Awareness month and my name came up as well as Rebakah's, I got a tears in my eyes (even now just typing this out I have tears)

Astro

12-01-2009, 09:29 AM

Stacey - I'm so sorry to hear about Liam. It's hard and nice to see women joining this thread. The hard part is knowing they are suffering a loss and in pain. The nice part is to realize they've found a place to share their pain. Most of us have come here with oodles of questions and ramblings. Please use this place as YOU need. Vent, share, question, etc. It has been 4 years since the loss of our boys, and I still find value coming here.

hugs to all.

pocahontas

12-01-2009, 11:08 AM

STACEY! Happy yet sad to see you here...if that makes any sense whatsoever. :o I think having this thread to lean on for support will make a world of difference to you if you feel like talking to people who have been right where you are. I was lucky to have 2 girls IRL (including my own BFF whose name is STACEY) go through this before me. And that helped so much...but I know sometimes people don't have anyone who truly understands. The other ladies have said it best...you will have PLENTY of questions. (And the ones you don't have today will come months from now...it's almost never ending!) But please feel free to ask here and share your feelings. Don't know if you've started a journal or diary but I know that helps so much as well. Still keeping you and your DH in my thoughts as are all the girls in our Dec/Jan. thread. If you need anything, don't hesitate!

akacharlotte

12-01-2009, 08:48 PM

Astro-Thank you. I am glad(which sounds so weird) this thread exists but hate that we need a thread like this.

Scout-I am so sorry for your loss. (((hugs)))

Erika-I'm so glad for NILMDTS. Our photographer, Gina, was a godsend. She came to the hospital twice. On Sunday and then again a few days later when Liam passed. Our nurse asked us if we wanted her to come back and DH said no but our nurse asked once more and I'm so glad she did because we are so grateful we have photos of his life and his passing. The photographers who give their time and service are truly sent by God to families like ours.

Poca-I know what you are trying to say. :) Unfortunately or fortunately, which sounds horrible, my sister went through this 20 years ago. My niece passed suddenly at 6 years of age. It was a horrible time for our family and one we hoped and prayed we would never go through again. My sister sent me a beautiful poem that was sent to her 20 years ago and I remember it well. I was telling her how bad I felt because I had smiled and laughed a few times with our friends and family on Saturday during Liam's visitation. She made me feel better by telling me about how a few nights after her daughter's funeral they went out for a friend's birthday to get out of the house. My niece loved Motley Crue and her favorite song came on at the place they were at and my sister got up and danced like crazy for Kristen. She thought later her friends were probably thinking what is she doing but she was dancing for her daughter.

I also feel horrible because I keep thinking about having another baby as soon as medically possible. Is this normal? Am I horrible and crazy to have these thoughts of adding to our family? I know we need to heal and mourn the loss of our son but I cannot get thoughts of getting pregnant again and having another child out of my mind. For the 20 days we had Liam we absolutely loved being parents and we want the opportunity to raise a healthy child and watch them grow up.

pocahontas

12-02-2009, 07:42 AM

My niece loved Motley Crue and her favorite song came on at the place they were at and my sister got up and danced like crazy for Kristen. She thought later her friends were probably thinking what is she doing but she was dancing for her daughter.

I also feel horrible because I keep thinking about having another baby as soon as medically possible. Is this normal? Am I horrible and crazy to have these thoughts of adding to our family? I know we need to heal and mourn the loss of our son but I cannot get thoughts of getting pregnant again and having another child out of my mind. For the 20 days we had Liam we absolutely loved being parents and we want the opportunity to raise a healthy child and watch them grow up.

Two things strike me here...first about your sister. Everyone processes this and mourns differently is the MOST important thing I learned. I went back to work 1 week after my son's death. People probably though "what is she doing" as they did with your sis. I know for a fact most of them expected me to take off through the holidays since he died 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, but the best thing for me was to get back to my "routine". So I completely understand how for some people the way others mourn and process the event could make them go --->:confused:

This brings me to your second part. Yes, you are normal and no you are not horrible or crazy from "MY" point of view. But that is because I was the same way...again, that is how I worked through things. So it was NOT normal and it DID seem crazy when there were girls I knew who went through this who said things like, "I don't know if I want to ever try again". *GASP* :eek: That made me feel like either they were insane or I was insane for wanting to ASAP. But as I said...I have come to realize what is normal for each person varies. (Then, too, several people who said that already had kids and for you and I who are childless...it seems much more sensible to WANT a child whereas for some of them their theory was, "Maybe I should just be grateful for the one(s) I have". So that plays into it as well.) I don't know...I just know that each person gets through it the best way they know how. There is no right or wrong way. But if it's any comfort...we started TTC the minute I was cleared (which for us was unfortunately a 6 month wait because I had to have a myomectomy 11 weeks post partum that required 3 month healing time afterwards). But we started IVF as soon as we were allowed!

scout

12-02-2009, 12:21 PM

I also feel horrible because I keep thinking about having another baby as soon as medically possible. Is this normal? Am I horrible and crazy to have these thoughts of adding to our family? Not at all. I feel the same way. It's not that you're trying to replace Liam, but you want to be a mother to a living child.

I have the urge to try again too.

Everyone processes this and mourns differently is the MOST important thing I learned. This is so true. There is no right or wrong way to mourn. Some people throw themselves into their jobs, others cry and stay in bed, others try to find moments of joy or peace and focus on that. I went to a support group through the hospital and the women there were all at very different places in their grief and everyone was handling it differently.

My niece loved Motley Crue and her favorite song came on at the place they were at and my sister got up and danced like crazy for Kristen. That's so cool. It's almost like your niece was sending your sister a sign. :)

sophiapb

12-02-2009, 09:26 PM

Hi all. I haven't been here in ages and I'm sorry to see that there are some new members. Scout, akacharlotte, I'm so so sorry for your losses but happy that you found this group. These women are amazing and while I hate being a member here (you know what I mean :o), it's an honor that's been hard won.

sophiapb

12-02-2009, 09:47 PM

Okay, at the risk of looking like a nutjob, I've got to share this story and I'd love feedback from anyone here.
A friend of mine works for a psychic (she acts as her driver) and she had her at a houseparty twice. The first time was last November and I went in totally doubting. She does my reading and starts off with stuff that was so off-base and continues on in the same vein. Really, really wrong. I just blew her off as a charlatan. This past September, my friend had the psychic at her house again and I went more to hang out with my friend. I go see the psychic and she starts off with the exact same stuff that she said last time. I'm thinking "Here we go again! It's still wrong!" when suddenly she points out that my high blood pressure is now okay and I went "Holy freakin' crap." She had told me last time that I had high blood pressure and I blew her off since I've always had LOW blood pressure. I went to the doctor in March for a regular check up, turns out I had borderline high blood pressure and my doctor put me on a very mild med to lower it. I had totally forgotten about it. I didn't even know when I saw the psychic last November that I had elevated blood pressure but she knew. She also told me last time, and again this time, that one of my kids was worrying me, causing me some pain but everything would be okay. Again, I blew her off since the girls are 4 and 2 and 2. I kept telling her that no, I'm not worried about any of them but she kept asserting that I was very concerned about one of them but it was going to be okay. She kept stressing that it would be okay. Then the psychic flipped the cards (she does her reading with a regular deck of cards that you handle and shuffle) and said "Are you looking to have another baby? Because I'm showing that you are going to have another baby within the next year." I told her that yes, we were going to try in a few months. The she said "It will be a boy......................but I'm showing two boys here." And she's looking at two Jacks and looking confused. She says "You are going to have one child, one boy but I'm showing two boys. You said you have three girls, right?" I said "Yes, we have three girls but I had a son who stillborn." She leaned into me and said "THAT is the child who is worrying you and causing you pain." Oh. My. Gawd. I had flippin' goosebumps when she said that. Suddenly everything she had said last time when I totally wrote her off as a fake was snapping into place. She finished up with the rest of the reading but by then, I was honestly shaken.
Is this totally bizarre? Am I a wacko for even believing any of it? I guess the thing that got me was that she kept saying that I was worried about one of my kids but everything would be okay. I've felt for a while now that Alexander was sent to prepare the way for Elise and Corinne. If Alexander had survived, we would have been very happy with a boy and a girl and we would have been done having children. But after his still birth, like what Stacy was describing, I just wanted to have another pregnancy, another baby as soon as possible. 18 months later Elise and Corinne arrived and here we are 4 1/2 years later (geez, there are quite a few of us on this thread that got our lives turned upside down 4 1/2 years ago) and I want to have another baby. Maybe it's just desperation to find a reason for Alexander's passing but I'd like to believe that this psychic is right. Alexander passed because he's doing what he came into our lives for and that's getting us ready for his siblings. It will all be okay.

pocahontas

12-03-2009, 07:37 AM

Ummm...wow. Just wow.

And on a sidenote I don't think this is bizarre...I believe my DH told me about a run in he had with a psychic once that was similar (i.e. him getting told a lot of stuff that was true). And you know guys are born skeptics...so it was huge for him.

akacharlotte

12-03-2009, 10:49 AM

Sophia-I don't think you are crazy and I admit what she told you is eerie but wonderful news.

Went to the doctor today for my PP check up. My doctor told me to wait 6 months to try to conceive again which I figured. I would love to try sooner but I know my c/s incision needs to heal properly. It was so hard to be in the waiting room with all of the pregnant women and new babies. It really sucked to be blunt especially as my due date is next week.

We have to go to the funeral home this afternoon to meet with their grief counselor and we need to pay the bill which is only for the obituary we ran in our local paper and my hometown paper. I'm hoping this appointment is not too painful for us.

pocahontas

12-03-2009, 03:14 PM

{{{Hugs Stacey}}}

scout

12-04-2009, 09:54 AM

sophia I think that's a wonderful story. I believe that while there are plenty of quack psychics, some people do have the ability to see. I would take comfort in what she saw. It will be o.k.

Stacey Thinking of you today.

I had an annoying doctor's appointment yesterday. I was there for a terrible sore throat and the nurse pulls up my chart and says, "So you're still on prenatal vitamins?" I said, "No. I lost the baby." She stammered and apologized, which was fine. Then, she asked, "But you have kids at home?" I told her I had two, and she said, "Well, you should be grateful for them." Like I'm not. I've been through infertility and a miscarriage prior to losing Daniel and this woman is telling me to be grateful? I freaking AM grateful. I've always been grateful. Being grateful for what I have doesn't take away the pain of losing a baby. It doesn't mean I don't hurt over losing Daniel. Then, the nurse threw in an old fashioned, "Everything happens for a reason, you know." and I wanted to punch her. I can always tell who has never suffered a loss of any kind because they all say stupid things like that.

pocahontas

12-04-2009, 10:27 AM

OMG! :eek: Sorry, SCOUT...she should have never ASSumed such a stupid thing (i.e. you aren't grateful that you have kids). Yep, she is the epitome of what happens when you ASS-ume. :rolleyes: Last pgcy my OB's nurse asst. had a less than desirable bedside manner in a comment she made about my "Advanced Maternal Age". So I completely understand wanting to DECK medical personnel. You'd think they would take courses in how to relate to patients or at least effective people skills strategies. With loss, unfortunately stupid comments come with the territory, but I hope you don't get ANY more!

scout

12-04-2009, 10:35 AM

Pochahantas Your due date is getting so close! :) Continuing to think of you!!!!!!!

but I hope you don't get ANY more!
I hope so too, but the good thing is I'm getting better at letting things roll off my back, or being blunt. My friend (who is struggling with bipolar disorder, so I guess I can kind of give her a pass) was talking about a problem she had and said, "I don't mean to dump on you and make you depressed." I told her, "No problem. I'm depressed enough as it is." She said, "Oh no! Why? What happened?" Um...my baby died a month ago. That's what happened.

Stupid.

akacharlotte

12-07-2009, 07:54 AM

Oh Scout. People are just so insensitive. It's so much worse I think when it comes from a medical professional. I'm learning people just don't know what to say so instead they say stupid stuff that only hurts us more.

I had a bad night last night. We were out to dinner with my husband's family to celebrate his aunt's birthday. DH's BIL was at the other end of the table but talking pretty loud. He and my SIL are expecting their first child at the end of January and hearing him talk about their daughter threw me over the edge. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom twice to cry. It hurt so much because they can make plans for their daughter and dream of her future and I can't. DH was pretty pissed at him and I told him I can't be around them for awhile. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the birth of their daughter so soon after losing Liam. I don't think BIL really gets what we are going through and all we need right now is a little sensitivity when in our presence so for now I'll stay away from him.

Astro

12-07-2009, 11:14 AM

Scout - sending you hugs and bit fat "SERIOUSLY" to the nurse. :) Trust me, the word seriously can be used in many different ways with different tones. In this case, use it with sarcasm as in, "Seriously? You honestly thought that was the appropriate thing to say?". :rolleyes:

Inappropriate comments. We've all heard them and been hurt by them. While most times they are said without thought and not intended to hurt, sometimes they do. It's been 4 years since our boys and we're very close to adopting a baby. Our immediate families know our boys were stillborn, we have a couple other miscarriages, and are unable to get pregnant. We were visiting my family over the holidays and were told the following...
"at least you can still drink wine and coffee after the adoption." Uh, yeah. That's so great. Imagine if we'd been able to get pregnant ourselves or maintain a pregnancy until birth, I'd have had to give up wine and coffee (oh the horrors). I know it was not intended to hurt, but it still did. Luckily it did prep me for similar comments from other folks.:p

scout

12-07-2009, 11:48 AM

Stacey That must have been so hard. Losing a baby just takes so much courage in every day situations. Just a dinner with a pregnant women takes so much courage. I'm sorry nobody realized that and you were hit doubly hard. :( Take care of yourself and give yourself space from hurtful situations right now. When I went back to work, I sat in my car for ten minutes trying to get up the courage to walk into work and face all of the pregnant women and see the baby annoucements hanging up by the mailboxes. What used to be a normal part of my day now took so much energy and effort. I'm sending lots of hugs to you and some special prayers.

Astro People are unbelievable. What's with the need for everyone to find the "at leasts" in tragic situations? If somebody lost their husband, you wouldn't tell their wife, "Oh! At least now you have less laundry to do! Be grateful for THAT!" so stupid. :( Congrats on your adoption!!! :)

Astro

12-07-2009, 04:44 PM

Scout - I think you have an interesting business idea... The all new "At Least" cards :) (the below is intended as bad humor, if anyone objects I'll remove it).

On the loss of a husband...
At least you have less laundry...
At least you can make whatever you want for dinner...
At least you have less groceries to buy...
At least you don't have his socks and underwear all over the floor...
At least you can pick only the movies you want to go to...
At least you don't have to do his dishes any more.

Ok, that made me smile. Then of course I did the at least list we've all heard. I smiled over that too, but realized it was too raw to put in here. My husband and I have very odd humor, so he'll laugh over this when I tell him all the "At Least" lines from the new hallmark cards created by us here in this forum.

Honestly, if anyone is offended, I'll remove this post.

akacharlotte

12-08-2009, 07:28 AM

Thank you Scout. A friend of ours gave birth yesterday and I really want to go see her and her new baby but I don't want to create an awkward situation. DH feels it may be a good test run for me to see how I deal with my SIL's baby as well. I need to face this situation sooner rather than later for my own sanity. I'm trying to keep myself busy today as it is my due date and my birthday.

Astro-:) Your list made me laugh. It is just so ridiculous.

Astro

12-09-2009, 10:59 AM

It's not at all the same, but it still hurts.

We've been matched with birthparents since June, the baby boy will be born next week. We have clothes and a carseat. The birthparents sent me an e-mail this morning saying they changed their minds. Once again we're near a due date with clothes and a carseat, but the baby is not going to come home with us. :(

scout

12-09-2009, 11:40 AM

Astro I'm sending you all of the hugs and love I can. It just isn't fair. My best friend had a failed adoption and it hurt her so much. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

LDS Angel 19

12-09-2009, 11:49 AM

Oh gosh, Astro. I'm so sorry.

sophiapb

12-09-2009, 08:19 PM

Okay, Astro, WTH? Seriously, WTH? We've been rooting you on for the past few years, seen all the suffering that you've gone through and we were all so excited to hear about the adoption and then crap like this happens. I don't get it. I'd like to think that someone amazing is waiting for you and hubby to be their parents and that this is all part of the journey but can the journey be a little less painful?
Give me names and numbers. I am volunteering to be the one to smack some sense into the birthparents heads. And while I'm at it, let me rail against the hand of fate. Total, total bullcrap and I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.

pocahontas

12-10-2009, 04:23 AM

I know "sorry" doesn't make it better, Astro. :( But I just wanted to say how much I wish things were different and hope that there is a baby in your future waiting for you very soon...you so deserve it.

pocahontas

12-10-2009, 04:26 AM

I know at least one person already knows but for the others who don't visit our thread I just wanted to say Kyle Jr. was born Sunday, the 6th at 2:22 pm. My lil' peanut weighed 5 lbs 5 ozs (born at exactly 35 weeks) but required only a standard 6 hour NICU observation which he passed with flying colors. They did discover 24 hours later, however, that his bili level was a tad high and he is currently under photo therapy but outside of that he is feeding well, pooping well, and doing all those other important things and I just wanted to thank everyone in this thread so much because when I was really at the lowest and feeling like no one understood...you all DID.

akacharlotte

12-10-2009, 08:06 AM

Oh Astro, I'm so sorry. (((hugs))). I wish I could take your pain away.

scout

12-10-2009, 05:45 PM

pocahontas Congratulations on your baby, Kyle! Your story will give a lot of people hope!

Astro Continuing to think about you and sending prayers your way. I just don't think that I will ever understand why these things happen. I hope you are finding some peace.

sophiapb

12-10-2009, 08:26 PM

Congrats, Pocahontas! A huge welcome to Kyle!

GlamaGal

12-12-2009, 09:24 PM

Congrats, Poca! Welcome to the world, Kyle!!

Astro- I am so sorry. I pray that you will find the one who will call you mother soon. ((HUGS))

scout

12-16-2009, 09:39 AM

Astro--just checking up on you and wondering how you're doing. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

LDS Angel 19

12-25-2009, 08:30 PM

Just wanted to say I was thinking of all of you last night.

scout

12-28-2009, 02:00 PM

I was thinking of everyone a lot these past few days. I hope everyone had some peace. My mom bought an ornament with my baby's name on it and hung it on the tree, and my DH got me a mother's ring with three birthstones. The bad thing was there were two psuedo pregnancy annoucements and later that day I had to go to a room and cry.

Brother in law: We're just letting you know that I'm going to be a stay at home dad as soon as I knock SIL up.

SIL: Yeah...I'm going to miss smoking weed.

and

Uncle: Anna and Josh are going to try to start a family so I expect to be a grandfather soon!

Why did anyone think that I would want to hear either of those annoucements right now? It also irritates me that everyone can be so joyous and nonchalant about conceiving. We'll try and it will work! Hooray! I have never had that luxury. First infertility, then a miscarriage and now a late term loss.

Just a little bitter right now.

scout

12-30-2009, 07:55 PM

Did the rest of you get bitter? I'm finding myself really pissy and bitter and other people think I"m being oversensitive. Like with my SIL's Facebook post today. "2009 was a PERFECT year! The best year ever!!!!!!!" Really? The BEST year of your life was the year you had a dead baby nephew? That's so great!!!!!! Others pointed out that it wasn't HER loss, so it probably didn't occur to her, but WHY ISN'T any of this occurring to anyone in my family? My Dh said, "Oh...she didn't mean anything by it. I'm sure she was upset when Daniel died." I know without a doubt that even if next year is the most perfect one of my life but one of my family members gave birth to a baby that died, it would no longer be very perfect.

It just makes me so mad that I've had this terrible loss and I have to mourn it on my own. Nobody cares. Nobody else feels bad. Nobody else knew my baby. So not only do I have a son that will always be missing from my life, I will be the only one who hurts from it.

After that FB post, I cried for half an hour. I shouldn't be reacting like this, right?

akacharlotte

12-31-2009, 10:05 AM

Scout-One thing I have learned in the short time that has passed since Liam left us is that everyone mourns differently. Having said that I do know what you mean. I find myself easily annoyed by everyone.

My SIL is having a c/s on the 22nd and I'm dreading that day already. I'm afraid DH's family is going to expect me to be happy and excited for her and while in a small way I am, I know the birth of her child is going to hurt. My thought is just because there will be a living grandchild in the family does not automatically make my hurt disapper. I'm afraid the hole in my heart is going to get bigger not smaller. It also does not mean I can be around their baby on a regular basis even though I've met two new babies in the last month. I don't see those friends every day.

So are we being oversensitive? Maybe, to someone who has never personally lost a child. Are we wrong? No. We are mourning and we have to deal with that in our own way. The loss of our children is still new so we are going to run the spectrum of emotion and just because we are ok one minute does not mean that a comment, a phrase, a joke is not going to send us spinning downward even if the person meant no harm.

((hugs))

akacharlotte

01-01-2010, 09:31 AM

Our genetics doctor called this morning with the results of our genetic testing. DH is fine but I have the same chromosome deletion Liam had. :( Our chance of this happening again is 50% with a natural conception.

scout

01-01-2010, 11:00 AM

Stacey I'm sorry to hear this news. This is just another unfair kick, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with this news on top of everything else. Could the mutation be detected in an embryo via IVF? What are you thinking of doing? What does the doctor recommend? I'm sure you need time to digest the news, but when you have decided on a plan, we will be here to listen.

My heart is breaking for you imagining you having to deal with a family member's upcoming C-Section as well. I hope that your family realizes that you might have to distance yourself at first. There's nothing for me to say except that it just sucks. Please know that I'm stepping up the prayers for you, and whenever I think of my baby, I think of your Liam. The picture in your avatar is just gorgeous. So much love.

akacharlotte

01-01-2010, 01:58 PM

Thanks Scout. Our doctor gave us a couple of options and one of those is IVF with PGD testing once the cells split to 8(not sure what the correct terminology is for that). If all is well the transfer would proceed otherwise we would try again. We have a 50% chance of reoccurence so not even IVF will guarantee anything. This is probably how we will proceed come summer. We can try naturally and undergo CVS testing but if the deletion is present we would have to terminate at that point. We do not want to go through losing another child to the genetic deletion.

scout

01-01-2010, 05:44 PM

Thinking of you a lot tonight, Stacey.

GlamaGal

01-09-2010, 05:23 PM

stacey- I'm so sorry to hear that. Huge hugs to you. My odds of recurrence are not that high, but I know it makes you feel helpless to have no power over your genetics. And it's a horrible place to be put to make a decision about an unborn life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Liam.

scout- I gave and give myself permission to mourn how I please. Was I bitter? Yes. It's hard to remember how I felt when others went through things like this, before I was part of the group. I know I felt bad, but I also know my tendency is to block out bad things (missing children in the news, etc.). Otherwise, I cannot function, because I tend to be pretty sensitive (and that has exponentially grown as I became a mother). It's perfectly normal to feel frustrated and I know there is such an intense wave of emotion that I feel when I feel like I am the sole mourner of our daughter. Actually, I have never felt so alone than when I am mourning her. Many others have friends and family to cry with over a lost loved one. It can make you feel bitter for sure, but what will happen is you'll learn to deal with this pain in a different way as time passes. It will often be as intense as it ever was, but in my experience my coping mechanisms have gotten much better. That alone is a huge help, as I have learned how to help myself move along in my day (give myself the time needed to process it again and then get back to feeding the kids or dusting, etc.), be able to compose myself in church, and know when it is too late at night and my emotions are high. ((HUGS))

prudies

01-12-2010, 08:03 AM

Hi all. I'm mostly a lurker on cc these days, so I feel somewhat weird joining this thread. On the other hand, I was looking at forums on another site, aheartbreakingchoice.com, and it seemed like a more a space to share your story, rather than grieve and eventually move forward. So here I am.

prudies
Me: 35
DH: 37
Married: 10/09 (2nd marriage for me, if any of you remember me from WC)
Child: Elliott, 5 yo
Loss: I was 18 weeks pg
Diagnosis: Trisomy 18

I sometimes feel really sad, and then sometimes numb. I think a lot about future pregnancy, because it's both the part that appears to be in my control (I can get pregnant), and the part that is totally out of my control and scary (will something go wrong, will I feel sick/run down, will I have the energy to be a good parent to E...etc.).

scout

01-12-2010, 08:14 AM

prudies I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. I'm sure you will find some support here. Please let us know how we can help. It's so normal to wonder and worry about future pregnancies. I go back and forth every day. Please know that I am sending you all of the hugs I can, and will keep you and your baby in my thoughts and prayers.

GlamGal Actually, I have never felt so alone than when I am mourning her. This is so true. It does help that I know all of you are feeling what I feel too, and I think of all of you every night as I'm crying into my pillow. :( Whenever I'm feeling extremely alone, I think, "x, y, z" is feeling this too. I'm sad that all of you are part of this club, but comforted that I'm not completely alone.

There is a book that was recently recommended to me, and I have it on order. The author had a baby that was born still, and another mom who suffered a late term loss said it was healing for her. It's called, "An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination".

akacharlotte

01-12-2010, 09:13 AM

prudies-I'm so sorry for you loss. It just plain sucks to be in this situation. You are not the only one thinking of future pregnancy. It is on my mind pretty much 24/7. I even tell my mind to stop and I can't. For us, we have a lot of what ifs in our future on whether or not we will be able to even conceive a healthy child without the genetic issue I carry and that is a scary proposition for us, definitely for me.

glama-Thank you. :)

Scout-Thanks for the book rec. I want to order Angie Smith's book when it comes out this spring. She is the author of the Bring the Rain blog about the loss of her daughter Audrey. She is truly an inspiration and I'm looking forward to reading her book.

I'm trying to psych myself up for the birth of my niece next week. I've been dreading the emotions that are going to come with this day.

GlamaGal

01-12-2010, 10:17 AM

prudies- I am so sorry. My dd was 19w along when we found out she had a NTD. Like scout just said, one of the things that drew me to participate in this group is that you are not alone. ((HUGS))

prudies

01-12-2010, 12:28 PM

glama Thank you. I appreciate it.

scout Thank you. I think just venting and reading how other people are dealing with this is helpful.

stacey Thank you too. I'm so sorry about your test results. I know what you mean about not wanting to lose another child in the same way. I plan on doing a cvs, and I know 10 -12 weeks would feel a lot different to me personally than 18, but it still feels like a pretty crappy outcome, you know?

For some strange reason, pregnant people I already knew don't bother me, but seeing pregnant strangers makes me feel somewhat emotional. It kind of seems like they're everywhere though, so it seems to be getting easier by the minute.

Southlooper

01-13-2010, 05:19 PM

For some strange reason, pregnant people I already knew don't bother me, but seeing pregnant strangers makes me feel somewhat emotional. It kind of seems like they're everywhere though, so it seems to be getting easier by the minute.

(Delurking)

So sorry Prudies. I feel the same way too. I spent the whole afternoon yesterday with my two pregnant friends, however, I found myself avoiding the pregnant women at work.

scout

01-14-2010, 07:23 AM

The pregnant people at work are who is causing my most stress right now. I have two aides to help with the special ed students I have, and they're both pregnant. The teacher next door is pregnant and a total drama queen about her pregnancy. She has said the worst thing about wishing she could be one of those women who go into labor early and why does she have to be stuck pregnant. I also saw today that her students are throwing her a huge baby shower. There are posters all over the school.

I used to be part of the big, happy pregnancy group, and now I'm an outcast.

Sucks.

prudies

01-14-2010, 08:03 AM

akacharlotte

01-14-2010, 10:56 AM

I don't know if I feel like an outcast. Thankfully, the only pregnant woman I have to deal with at the moment is my SIL. It isn't necessarily the pregnant women that upset me but more the women with new babies about 2 months old which is how old Liam would be. Like Sunday it was pretty cold here and there was this woman walking into Target with her new baby and no freaking hat on his head. I just want to scream but then I try to remember as a new mom I would have done dumb things too and it doesn't necessarily make this stranger a bad mom you know. I'm just irrational at times over things baby related.

I even miss being pregnant. Even with the huge swollen ankles and excess amniotic fluid, insomnia and having to pee every 30 minutes I miss feeling Liam inside me. Looking back I think I felt more connected to him in utero than I was to him outside because I could not take care of him like a normal new mom. There was the breathing tube and all of the monitoring wires and his IVs and we had to be so careful touching him and when we were finally able to hold him. It is such a strange experience to carry a child for 8 months and then not be able to care for him the way you are supposed to. I bonded with him but it was just different. I hope I make sense. I'm just rambling.

scout

01-14-2010, 12:25 PM

Stacey Thinking of you as the upcoming birth of your SIL's baby approaches. You might find that the lead up to it is worse than the actual thing. Thinking of you.

I know what you mean about missing being pregnant. My uterus still twitches and if feels like a baby kicking.

pocahontas

01-15-2010, 09:38 AM

Like Sunday it was pretty cold here and there was this woman walking into Target with her new baby and no freaking hat on his head. I just want to scream but then I try to remember as a new mom I would have done dumb things too and it doesn't necessarily make this stranger a bad mom you know. I'm just irrational at times over things baby related.

First, sorry PRUDIES that you had to join us here, but you'll find it to be a great group of ladies.

Second, STACEY...this is so me now that I have a baby (critical of others). So I know I was probably WORSE after my son's death! :o I just saw a lady walking out of Wal-Mart one of of the most freezing nights of the year and her daughter who might have barely been 1 was in the cart wrapped in a blanket with no shoes or socks on...how do I know?! She had one foot sticking out of the blanket exposed to the frigid weather and her mother just waltzed outside pushing her to the parking lot and didn't bother to cover this little foot that I was SURE would have frostbite by the time they got home...and why you might wonder?! This chick was on her cell phone talking away and was oblivious to her baby's condition. I got in the car like a raving lunatic telling DH about it and he told me to calm down because I couldn't save everyone (he thinks I am so "save the world" :rolleyes: ). I mean I just thought to myself...now I know how people call Social Services on mothers who pay their kids no attention. UGH! Sorry for the vent, but I can soooo relate.

SCOUT...I know what you mean also about still feeling kicking. After DS#1 was gone I swore there were like ghost kicks or something in there for days afterwards! It was really weird because I didn't feel like that at all this time. :confused:

LDS Angel 19

01-15-2010, 09:47 AM

I got phantom kicks all the time for basically the first year. Very bittersweet.

akacharlotte

01-15-2010, 01:37 PM

My SIL is in the operating room as I type this having her c/s. I'm nervous for her and I guess for myself as well. Excited but also scared to walk into the hospital tonight to meet my niece.

Poca-I'm glad I'm not alone in having those thoughts. :)

Thanks for the support Scout.

scout

01-17-2010, 04:42 PM

Stacey--how are you doing?

akacharlotte

01-18-2010, 01:00 PM

Scout-I'm ok. It's been an emotional weekend. We did visit our new niece twice and I did ok. We ended up having to leave quickly Friday evening after I got upset but I was better Saturday evening. Probably because I had a meltdown Saturday afternoon.

It was made harder this morning as we had an appointment with our geneticist. I don't think we will be able to afford the PGD testing we would absolutely need if we did IVF and the 50% risk of this happening again if we are lucky enough to conceive on our own scares me too much. I just don't know. I feel stuck in this situation of which I have no control and unfortunately the cost of the testing, IVF and/or adoption is more than we have right now. Of course, we could save and wait and try in a year or two but I'm closer to 40 and I feel time is running out. If I was 30 we would have the luxury of saving up for a few years and not feel so pressured.

scout

01-18-2010, 02:30 PM

Stacey I'm glad the initial meeting is over. I'm sure you were a ball of conflicting emotions. I'm bracing myself for the pregnancy annoucement from my SIL. I know it's coming any day.

I'm sorry that cost is standing in the way of peace of mind. Why can't things like this be covered by insurance? As if this isn't difficult enough already. Every state should have mandated infertility coverage and testing should be covered. Is there any way that the testing could be filed under a medical condition? I'm just typing randomly as I process it. I'm sure you've thought of this already. I wish I had words of comfort or hope for you.

Astro

01-18-2010, 03:01 PM

Stacey,
I'm glad you met your niece. Meltdowns happen, the trick is to try and do them in private or at home. The good news is meltdowns will become shorter in duration and happen less often.

I'm sorry to hear about the finances, age, and lack of control. Wish there was some magic wand we could wave to make all these difficulties go away so everyone on this thread could be a parent. Sending you hugs.

pocahontas

01-18-2010, 06:04 PM

Of course, we could save and wait and try in a year or two but I'm closer to 40 and I feel time is running out. If I was 30 we would have the luxury of saving up for a few years and not feel so pressured.
STACEY...not sure if this is any consolation to you but both times I've been pregnant I have been older than you. So it's definitely doable. When I did IVF with DS#1 I was 37. (I think your stats in our thread said you were 36 right?) And of course now...2 years later I had DS#2 at 39 (not IVF this time but still close to 40). So if worst case scenario you have to save up, it can still happen. IVF is great for those of us who get hit with the AMA tag. :rolleyes: There is a great group of girls in the TTC35+ thread (SCOUT is a member too). It got kinda quiet because I was pregnant and so was SCOUT and I think there were only 2-3 other members and they aren't pregnant yet that I know of, but we can certainly revive it and chat and of course you know about the IVF thread where sometimes there are girls who can let you in on the current clinic trials where you can cycle for cheaper than normal (and sometimes for free). I think SEA participated in a trial when she had her twin girls. Not sure what part of her IVF was covered by it. And another CC'er...whose name escapes me, did a trial too and got a signficantly reduced IVF cycle. Please also try the IVF Connections board that a lot of us are members of. That is where you will REALLY find all the good info on clinical trials, PGD and a host of other stuff.

prudies

01-19-2010, 06:57 PM

poca - Thank you for the welcome. Oh, and what is AMA?

Stacey - I have to say, if I were your SIL, I would have emailed to say, take as long as you need to, come when you're ready, etc. I don't know, maybe no one wants to say the wrong thing, or something like that. And I suppose it might be better to get it over with, but I just think it's nutty that anyone would expect you to show up at the birth. That's just me though.

****

I have so many questions swirling around my head these days. So does my DH. I have a doctor's appointment next week, but if any of you ladies have advice or thoughts on some of these things, please let me know!

Everyone tells us there's no reason to do genetic testing, unless it happens again. Why wait? If there could be a genetic link, and we're talking about a simple blood test, why not do it first?

Accupuncture - So there's a higher risk of having a fetus that develops a chromosomal abnormality as you get older. Has anyone looked into using accupuncture to improve egg quality? Has anyone read any studies on the efficacy of accupuncture? I have read some ads describing the use of accupuncture to avoid repeated miscarriages. I didn't miscarry, but either way we're talking about preventing the development of a chromosomal abnormality at conception. Also, I feel like it's weird for me to jump to using accupuncture, but since it's covered by insurance, why the heck not?

scout

01-19-2010, 07:06 PM

prudies AMA is Advanced Maternal Age.

Everyone tells us there's no reason to do genetic testing, unless it happens again. Why wait? If there could be a genetic link, and we're talking about a simple blood test, why not do it first?

Is Trisomy 18 considered to be a genetic disorder that's inherited? I agree that if it's a matter of a simple blood test, they should test for it.

Are you planning on TTC again soon?

As for acupuncture...I just had my first treatment today, actually! It seems like there aren't any official studies on the effectiveness of it, but enough infertility clinics recommend that women do acupunture along with treatment, so that's a good enough reason for me. My acupuncturist says that he's seen amazing results, but that is just anecdotal evidence. He says that he's seen it improve uterine lining, improve blood flow, and lengthen the luteal phase. It's supposed to improve hormonal balance.

prudies

01-20-2010, 04:59 AM

prudies AMA is Advanced Maternal Age.

Is Trisomy 18 considered to be a genetic disorder that's inherited? I agree that if it's a matter of a simple blood test, they should test for it.

Are you planning on TTC again soon?

As for acupuncture...I just had my first treatment today, actually! It seems like there aren't any official studies on the effectiveness of it, but enough infertility clinics recommend that women do acupunture along with treatment, so that's a good enough reason for me. My acupuncturist says that he's seen amazing results, but that is just anecdotal evidence. He says that he's seen it improve uterine lining, improve blood flow, and lengthen the luteal phase. It's supposed to improve hormonal balance.

Thanks!

Trisomy 18 is not genetic, but we've still heard the bit about testing if something goes wrong again. I'm going to try and clarify this with my doctor.

I think I should maybe talk to an accupuncturist and see what they think. Thanks again.

GlamaGal

01-20-2010, 08:58 PM

Sending good thoughts to all who need it. Especially you, Stacey. Sounds like you've had an emotional few days.

akacharlotte

01-21-2010, 08:41 AM

prudies

01-21-2010, 09:32 AM

prudies-Did the doctors tell you if it was Translocation Trisomy 18? If yes than I would get the genetic testing as that can be inherited. When we had our NT scan with Liam and it came back abnormal we went ahead and did the CVS as they test for the big 3 which are Trisomy 13, 18 and 21. Is that the test your doctors are suggesting?

If you find out anything more on accupuncture helping egg quality please share. :)

Thanks so much Glama. :)

No, they didn't mention translocational trisomy 18. I actually came across it online, and am planning on asking the doctor whether that's a possibility. My guess is no, but I do want to make sure that we've ruled it out.

If we got pg again, we would do a cvs test as early as possible.

I just found an accupuncture person on our insurance, so I'm going to call today and will keep everyone posted.

scout

01-22-2010, 08:03 PM

LDS Angel 19

01-23-2010, 10:19 AM

Gosh I'm sorry, scout. Just know that you're really not alone. Every single one of us here has been exactly where you are. Hugs.

pocahontas

01-23-2010, 12:24 PM

This should never happen to anyone, but why does it happen to people who struggle with infertility, who have had miscarriages, who don't have insurance to cover testing, who didn't get married in their early 20s and had all the time in the world to have babies?
As someone IF, I asked myself this question EVERY.SINGLE.DAY after it took 17 months, 4 IUIs and an IVF to get a baby only to watch his last breaths in my arms. :( I totally understand.
I I see women announcing their pregnancies on Facebook, saying, "We heard the heartbeat today! It's nice and strong! Can't wait to meet this baby!" and I want to say, "Yeah...I heard my baby's heartbeat and it was nice and strong too. Look how that turned out." But everyone else will have a happy ending to their pregnancies.
Yep...THIS. I wanted to shout it at the top of my lungs to all the oblivious fertiles who automatically "ASSumed" seeing a h/b=taking home your baby. I feel your pain. (And after I lost my son the worst was a girl who was pg and didn't want to be because the father was a deadbeat with 2-3 other kids so she told ME OF ALL PEOPLE that at the u/s she didn't want to look at the screen and her mother MADE her look. :mad: WTF would she tell ME...who wants a baby so bad that crap for?)
Every single one of us here has been exactly where you are. Hugs.
Yes, we unfortunately have. I am sorry yesterday sucked so bad. But know that you can always vent here and have people who've "been there, done that" too. Here's to hoping that today is better for you.

betsyboop

01-23-2010, 06:20 PM

Prudies- I was told after my second pregnancy that I had a 1% chance, plus the odds based on my age, of having another baby with a chromosomal issue- and it didn't necessarily have to be the same chromosome as before. Were you not told the same? Based on that, I had no question in my mind that I was going for extra testing for subsequent pregnancies. I had a CVS with my current pregnancy at about 11w. I can't imagine waiting for the 18w anatomy scan or something before finding out if there were issues- the wait to 11w was long and stressful enough!

scout

01-24-2010, 07:43 AM

Thank you for the support everyone. Friday was really tough, but luckily Saturday was a lot better. I hate how when I have a bad day...it's a really, really bad day. I know that all of you have been in my shoes, and while I hate that you have been in my shoes, it is comforting.

prudies

01-24-2010, 04:32 PM

I'm having a wretched day. I'd been holding it in all day and I've been crying all night. My coworker finally had her baby. I have no idea why it's affecting me so much. Everyone from work has been writing how happy they are on her Facebook wall and I shouldn't be reading it, but I did. I just feel so alone in all of this. Some of these coworkers so quick to gush over pictures of the baby couldn't even be bothered to say, "I'm sorry" to me when I lost my baby. Today, I had to keep hearing, "Ooh! Did Cathy have her baby yet?" and "I heard they just broke her water!" She doesn't need support--she gets to bring home a healthy baby. I need the support and nobody even thinks that this might be hard for me. So wonderful that she had to have her water broken when mine broke 20 weeks too early. I know it's irrational, but I miss my baby and it's not fair that everyone else gets to take home their babies. My baby should have been born next month and I should be in the final stretch of pregnancy, not getting on the TTC roller coaster again. This should never happen to anyone, but why does it happen to people who struggle with infertility, who have had miscarriages, who don't have insurance to cover testing, who didn't get married in their early 20s and had all the time in the world to have babies? I look at my coworker who is pregnant with #3 and it's been an easy peasy ride the whole freaking time for her. I see women announcing their pregnancies on Facebook, saying, "We heard the heartbeat today! It's nice and strong! Can't wait to meet this baby!" and I want to say, "Yeah...I heard my baby's heartbeat and it was nice and strong too. Look how that turned out." But everyone else will have a happy ending to their pregnancies. This is so LONELY. Hardly anybody will have to know how this feels. I just hate every minute of this stupid journey and I'm worried that it won't ever get better.

It's just really been a very bad day. And my two year old keeps walking around with a doll under her shirt saying she has a baby in her tummy. She would have made the best big sister and it would have been so fun to have a baby in the house next month. I hate that this is bringing out the worst of me.

So sorry, scout. I can relate to some of your feelings here.

I had a few friends over last night, one of whom is a mom who has had multiple miscarriages. It was really helpful to hear her perspective, and just be around someone with similar experiences.

Prudies- I was told after my second pregnancy that I had a 1% chance, plus the odds based on my age, of having another baby with a chromosomal issue- and it didn't necessarily have to be the same chromosome as before. Were you not told the same? Based on that, I had no question in my mind that I was going for extra testing for subsequent pregnancies. I had a CVS with my current pregnancy at about 11w. I can't imagine waiting for the 18w anatomy scan or something before finding out if there were issues- the wait to 11w was long and stressful enough!

I was told the same thing, and plan to have a cvs if we get pg again.

The only question I had in my mind was about genetic pre-pg testing. Although trisomy 18 is not genetic (unless it's translocational), we were told that we should look at genetic testing if it happened again. That made no sense to me, but maybe the idea was that if I miscarried, something else might be going on. I don't know. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, and plan on asking him a million questions.

GlamaGal

01-27-2010, 04:21 AM

The only question I had in my mind was about genetic pre-pg testing. Although trisomy 18 is not genetic (unless it's translocational), we were told that we should look at genetic testing if it happened again. That made no sense to me, but maybe the idea was that if I miscarried, something else might be going on. I don't know. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, and plan on asking him a million questions.

I would highly recommend this. It was recommended to me not because they thought it would happen again, but almost as a healing session for us and the dr. who diagnosed it. We really got to chit chat about things and he made me feel a lot better. He told me what they would look for next time, when, etc. I also wanted to establish a relationship further with the dr. so that I would feel more comfortable when I had to go back.

prudies

01-27-2010, 09:47 AM

I would highly recommend this. It was recommended to me not because they thought it would happen again, but almost as a healing session for us and the dr. who diagnosed it. We really got to chit chat about things and he made me feel a lot better. He told me what they would look for next time, when, etc. I also wanted to establish a relationship further with the dr. so that I would feel more comfortable when I had to go back.

So I met with the doctor, and it was encouraging. Everything seems to be healing well, and I feel pretty good, although still fat. :rolleyes: There really seems to be no need to do genetic testing, though they should confirm everything when the test of the fetal tissue is complete. I'm supposed to have a pre-conception appt in a few months to make sure everything looks ok.

scout

02-16-2010, 12:49 PM

I got into a huge fight with DH last night. We rarely fight and never like this. He had overheard me talking to my friend about a coworker who was really obnoxious during her pregnancy (the one who was always complaining about being pregnant in front of me and who actually had the nerve to say, "Why can't I go into premature labor like everyone else?") I had heard that she was having a tough time with her baby because her first baby was so easy. I told my friend, "Good. I hope her baby has colic." I said this because she was so terrible to me about her pregnancy. Yesterday, I was also having a really hard time and cried because of all of the sudden pregancy annoucements at work and on my Facebook page. My DH said that he was really concerned about how upset I was and said, "You should be HAPPY for everyone else that gets pregnant easily and has easy pregnancies." When I told him that I actually wasn't, he was horrified. He thought that I was getting bitter and didn't think it was normal. He basically said that I was being a bad person for thinking this way. I mean, I don't WANT to feel this way, but I DO. I don't want to end up in tears because yet another person is pregnant when I should be due. I can't help how I feel, though. I ended up just sobbing the rest of the night and telling him to leave me alone.

My due date is three weeks away. I should be having a baby soon, not mourning the baby I lost. My Dh seems over it and it seems like he thinks I should be too.

I'm not talking to him and everytime he opens his mouth to explain, it makes things worse. So now I feel like I'm a bad person on top of everything else.

prudies

02-16-2010, 01:08 PM

Fwiw, scout, my OB said that women often feel grief when the due date comes up. And I'm pretty sure you don't actually have the power to give a baby colic. ;)

Astro

02-16-2010, 05:37 PM

Scout,

I'm pretty sure men and women grieve completely differently in regards to stillbirth. I also think it's normal for you to be emotional close to your due date. Many of us were. It's also going to be emotional going through the various holiday's after your baby was due.

When you get upset, come here and post. Complain about the women who are pregnant, we all understand. Although I hate seeing new women join this board, a part of me will always be jealous when they later go on to have healthy babies (even after the pain they've been through). Is that horrible? debatable. I do wish them the best, but I also wish I was able to have a child.

It took me almost a year to get out of the fog after losing our boys, but I still have moments of jealousy when I see pregnant women. I'm not always jealous, but sometimes I am. Luckily my husband knows what I need in those cases. A hug and someone to listen to me. He only knows that because I told him that's what I need out of him. He also knows most of me is happy for the women, but a part of me is jealous.

Also, if you do have the powers of making babies colicy I'm sure we could create a list. Perhaps instead of colic, you could develop the powers of switching babies to all nighters. :) That way the baby wouldn't be hurting, just wide awake and keeping mommy from sleeping. :D

scout

02-16-2010, 06:39 PM

prudies ha! Very true. My Dh said, "What if something did happen to that baby? Then you would feel terrible." Yes, I would feel terrible, but colic is hardly life threatening. How are you doing these days?

He also knows most of me is happy for the women, but a part of me is jealous That's so true. I'm glad your DH is there for you (even if you had to tell him how to be). Astro, I still think of you often and I hope that you're finding some peace. This is all so unfair for you.

I don't WANT anyone to be in this thread, but I do want what they have, and my coworker was beyond terrible and just made things so much worse on me. I told my DH it's kind of like if everyone you knew had a beautiful house, while you were living in a tent in the parking lot of a Kmart. Not only that, but they complained about their house in front of you and said things like, "I wish I lived in a tent! I hate my stupid, big, beautiful house!" And there was nothing in your control for you to get out of that tent and into a house of your own. You had to just keep watching friend after friend move into the house while you were stuck in your tent. Of course you'd be pissed. And the loss of a baby is so much more painful than a somebody else having a better house.

Although I hate seeing new women join this board, a part of me will always be jealous when they later go on to have healthy babies (even after the pain they've been through). Is that horrible? debatable. I do wish them the best, but I also wish I was able to have a child.
That's not horrible. You're sick of seeing everyone get out of their tents, while you're still stuck in yours.

I hope you have a baby before me. I do. I get so pissed off when I see good people having to suffer and suffer and suffer. I sometimes feel bad about posting in this thread. I know my feelings are valid and I'm grieving, but I feel like since I already have two kids, I don't have as much or a right to bitch, and it seems like I'm doing most of the bitching in this thread, when others have more of a right to be pissy. Everyone else seems more graceful about it.

pocahontas

02-16-2010, 07:03 PM

SCOUT...I know where you are coming from! The co-worker...yeah, been there. There was a girl who had an "oops" pregnancy. :rolleyes: Anyway, when she first announced she was pregnant (and I was still TTC and seeing the RE) she went on and on about spreading baby dust (at me and whoever else) and then pointedly told me "come on...drink the water" (as in everyone's getting pregnant around here all you have to do is do what we're doing.) Uh, yeah, sex was all they were doing and clearly that alone wasn't working for DH and I. Well, under my breath I was calling this girl every name in the book. I was coming home and bitching to DH about her. Lo and behold she had a m/c at 10 weeks. :o I didn't know if I should have felt bad about talking trash about her when that happened because part of me was still pissed that she was a holy terror when she was pregnant and so antagonizing. Either way she wound up preggo...AGAIN on the second month of TTC. :rolleyes: And yeah, she announced it 2 months after I lost DS #1. I avoided congratulating her like the plague. Had to be a month or so before I even spoke to her.

Your feelings are completely normal and don't let anyone tell you different.

Astro

02-17-2010, 11:07 AM

Scout - Just because you have two kids doesn't mean the pain is any less or you have less of a "right" to bitch. Since your loss is more recent than some others here, you'll be more vocal. That's expected. Most of us were very vocal for months after our losses, on special days (holidays), anniversaries, and due dates. It's completely normal. I don't usually post/bitch too much because it's been years since our loss. Doesn't mean I don't have sad times. :)

Post away.

prudies

02-17-2010, 06:50 PM

In a weird way, I still feel kind of shocked. I mean, I did think that either infertility or pregnancy loss might be a possibility, because I'm over that magic 35 year mark now. :rolleyes: But deep down I must have felt like nothing would happen, because I keep thinking, wait, I'm not supposed to be here. I almost feel like I'm in a waiting room, and someone is going to tell me what door to go through. Either we get pregnant again and have a healthy baby, and this - I don't know - magically goes away? Or we'll discover that there's something else we don't know about, and our lives will change - we won't have another baby. I'm so afraid of that.

I had my first period about a week ago and, damn, that was a fun hormonal roller coaster ride. Geesh.

I really don't want to wait 3 cycles. I'm going to schedule a preconception appt in March and see what the OB says. She'll probably say it's safer to wait.

scout

02-18-2010, 10:09 AM

akacharlotte

02-18-2010, 02:00 PM

(((hugs))) Scout! What others have written here is true. First we all grieve differently and two, men and women certainly grieve differently. There were two Saturdays after Liam passed that I seriously went postal. Sitting in the bathtub with the shower running just screaming and I mean screaming at the top of my lungs. I was in serious emotional pain. I beat my hand against the wall of the shower and just screamed. In a way it was cathartic for me. I haven't had an episode like that since but DH did not know how to handle me. I guess I had to go a little crazy to get sane again.

I had the added difficult bonus, as you might remember, of my SIL giving birth not quite 2 months after Liam passed. It was difficult but I'm so much better now. Even though I have pangs of envy, jealousy, sadness etc she brings a lot of joy to me. I credit some of my healing to her. I am also hopeful that we will have a child of our own with the help of our RE and the advances of science. However, I know I am going to grieve all over again if we have no success later this year. I'm trying to remain positive about our situation. One thing I am currently mourning and frankly have been since I had my first scare while pregnant with Liam is the loss of naivete that so often accompanies first pregnancy or sometimes subsequent pregnancy; that everything will be alright. Our situation is one of those in which we thought everything would be alright, were told by friends and family the same and it wasn't so. I'm so scared to be pregnant but at the same time it is my deepest desire to be so and to give birth to a healthy child.

scout

02-18-2010, 04:43 PM

I guess I had to go a little crazy to get sane again

That makes sense. Thank you for sharing that.

she brings a lot of joy to me. I credit some of my healing to her

Is it because she's helping you through this or because of the baby? I ask because I am nowhere near that point. My daycare provider has a new grandchild, and I couldn't even look at that baby when he was there today.

Just trying to get ideas on how to get through this. I definitely have good days and a whole week went by without me crying, but I keep slipping back.

prudies

02-18-2010, 05:57 PM

pochohantas GRRR to crappy coworkers. Ugh.

Astro Thank you for your kind words.

prudies I can relate to that feeling of shock. Sometimes, it almost feels as though this has happened to somebody else instead of me. Once you pass that 12 week mark, everything is supposed to be fine, and there's no handbook for what happens when it ISN'T fine.

As for TTC again, since we started trying (our OB said to wait two cycles after the first period), it's been a terrible roller coaster. I started trying before that, because I couldn't bear to 'waste' an egg. I do think that your body won't let you get pregnant again if it's not ready, and I don't think it was ready. This month, it finally feels like normal. I've lost my baby weight, and my uterus feels normal. We have an appointment with the RE on March 8th, two days before my due date. I should be bringing a baby home, not starting this stupid process all over again.

Wishing everyone hope and peace.

Thank you, scout. I feel like I don't want to waste an egg either, but then I'm afraid at the same time.

<snip>One thing I am currently mourning and frankly have been since I had my first scare while pregnant with Liam is the loss of naivete that so often accompanies first pregnancy or sometimes subsequent pregnancy; that everything will be alright. Our situation is one of those in which we thought everything would be alright, were told by friends and family the same and it wasn't so. I'm so scared to be pregnant but at the same time it is my deepest desire to be so and to give birth to a healthy child.

I have similar feelings.

akacharlotte

02-19-2010, 11:58 AM

That makes sense. Thank you for sharing that.

Is it because she's helping you through this or because of the baby? I ask because I am nowhere near that point. My daycare provider has a new grandchild, and I couldn't even look at that baby when he was there today.

Just trying to get ideas on how to get through this. I definitely have good days and a whole week went by without me crying, but I keep slipping back.

You're welcome. I'm glad I could help. :) For me just being able to hold my niece, feed her, change her diaper, give her kisses and cuddles, sing to her, rock her etc helps feed my mothering instinct and for me that is aiding my healing process. I wasn't sure I would feel that way but I'm glad I do. I was very afraid I would resent my niece, my SIL and her husband but those feelings faded fairly rapidly. I definitely have my moments but I'm learning to quell those feelings when I feel them rising to the service. I do however vent to my DH so that helps. I try to remind myself that my losing Liam is not the fault of anyone else. I also have to remind myself not to feel guilt either since Liam inherited his chromosome deletion from me. I think getting through a week without crying is a positive sign of your healing.

scout

03-05-2010, 08:06 AM

The milk expires March 10th. Our big district meeting is March 10th. I just wrote lesson plans for next week for March 10th.

I should be packing my bag, putting the finishing touches on the nursery, and reading, "I'm a Big Brother/Sister" to my kids. I shouldn't have to brace myself for the next pregnancy annoucement, have to avert my eyes when the "March Moms" thread comes up on Constant Chatter, feel punched in the stomach when my daycare provider shows me her new grandson's picture.

The new baby would have fit perfectly into our family. My kids play well together now, and I'd nurse the baby on the couch and ask my dd to fetch a diaper or a burp cloth, and she would, stopping to give the new baby a kiss. My son would say, "I FINALLY got a little brother, Mama! It's what I always wanted!"

Instead, I'm feeling sick to my stomach every day now that March is here. I have to see my aide's belly popping out a little more each day. I have to walk around like I'm not hurting and aching and missing my baby. The day will pass, unnoticed by my mom, MIL, family and probably my DH. I'm carrying this all by myself and it's lonely. I remember you, baby Daniel. You should be here.

I was just wondering what all of you did (or plan to do) on the day of what should have been your due date (or other milestone). As my due date approaches, things are getting worse. I plan to take the day off of work (as "luck" would have it, my due date cooresponds with our big after school district meeting days, and a large portion of my department is pregnant). I made an appointment for myself to have a spa day. A friend was supposed to come, but backed out, but I think that it will be better for me to have the day alone anyway.

Just today, my kids ran into our room and snuggled with us in bed, and my daughter said, "We're FAMILY!" and my son said, "I wish we had more kids to be in our family." I couldn't watch THE OFFICE last night because it was Pam and Jim's big baby episode. I've had to delete all of my favorite labor and delivery shows off of the DVR, and sometimes they still pop up. It's those constant, daily punches in the stomach that I worry will never go away. And I know that I'm SO SO SO blessed to have the children I have. When I was dealing with primary infertility, I just wanted ONE baby. I thought I'd be the luckiest woman in the world to have that one baby. And I so grateful that I have my living children. I'm glad baby Daniel was HERE, if only for a short while, but I miss him. I miss what could have been and what should have been.

I just wish I knew if this was going to be it so I can start making my peace with it. Sometimes the only thing making me deal with this is thinking and hoping that "maybe I'll be pregnant next month".

In one of my support groups, a mom said that her due date actually passed pretty peacefully. She said the worry and angst about it was worse than the actual day.

Was that true for you? Is there anything else you did to honor the day?

Edited to add: Is there a reason that this thread is in the "Family Planning Group" section? Shouldn't it be in the "Infertility and Loss" area?

LDS Angel 19

03-05-2010, 10:36 AM

Scout, I'm sorry. Due dates are so hard. Over the last few years I have written so many of the same things in your post.

I do agree 100% though that the weeks/days leading up to an anniversary can often be a lot worse than the actual day itself. I think your idea of a spa day is a great one. I don't usually do much other than make sure I get a chance to take flowers to the cemetery and just allow myself some quiet time.

Oh, and about the date going unnoticed, I have totally told people (like my mom) straight out when I was feeling sad about an anniversary coming up. Yes, they should remember on their own, but sometimes they don't. Or sometimes they do and just don't know what to say. If it would help you, there's no reason to not give them a little reminder.

Hugs. We're thinking of you.

akacharlotte

03-05-2010, 11:06 AM

Scout-I'm not liking this month too much myself because our IUI was March 17th. I don't know if I'm dreading the day but because I know it is coming I feel like Liam is constantly at the forefront of my mind during any quiet moments I have. I feel like I'm sort of freshly mourning him. I keep thinking of the milestones we would be experiencing now. He would be 4 months tomorrow. I would be back to work and dealing with being a WAHM. I wonder if I would still be breastfeeding. I think about so many whatifs. The other night my SIL was lamenting her return to work on the 15th and I almost wanted to shout at her because at least she has her daughter to come home to but I kept my mouth shut. I know in her world that is a big deal and it should be but I hurt anyway.

I sometimes get the impression that DH's family no longer wishes to talk about Liam but I bring him up anyway. If it makes them uncomfortable oh well. Liam was their nephew and grandson too.

Liam's due date is my birthday. I did not celebrate this past year. Who knows what this year will bring or how I will feel. DH and I have decided that we don't want to be at home on the anniversary of Liam's passing but we don't know where we will go. This year that anniversary is on Thanksgiving. Ideally I would like to be out of the country.

I think a spa day is a great idea for your due date.

scout

03-05-2010, 01:10 PM

LDS Thank you. I think you have an excellent point about letting people know about milestones.

Stacey My heart breaks that you are dealing with this fresh grief. I understand what you mean. It's like a wound that is scarring over, but then something bumps it, and it's bleeding all over again. I sometimes get the impression that DH's family no longer wishes to talk about Liam but I bring him up anyway. If it makes them uncomfortable oh well. Liam was their nephew and grandson too. I'm dealing with this too. WHY do people always want to sweep this under the rug? Liam was HERE. He was beautiful, and he MATTERED. All of our babies do.

I think it would be so hard to be around your SIL. I'm sure you hurt so much.

Thinking of everyone and sending so many hugs.

prudies

03-06-2010, 06:44 AM

These posts reminded me of a few things.

Scout, I'm sorry. Due dates are so hard. Over the last few years I have written so many of the same things in your post.

I do agree 100% though that the weeks/days leading up to an anniversary can often be a lot worse than the actual day itself. I think your idea of a spa day is a great one. I don't usually do much other than make sure I get a chance to take flowers to the cemetery and just allow myself some quiet time.

Oh, and about the date going unnoticed, I have totally told people (like my mom) straight out when I was feeling sad about an anniversary coming up. Yes, they should remember on their own, but sometimes they don't. Or sometimes they do and just don't know what to say. If it would help you, there's no reason to not give them a little reminder.

Hugs. We're thinking of you.

In Jewish tradition, you unveil the headstone about a year after the death. Before the anniversary of my mom's death, I was really dreading the date and the unveiling and going to the cemetery again. It did turn out that the weeks leading up were worse than the date itself.

Scout-I'm not liking this month too much myself because our IUI was March 17th. I don't know if I'm dreading the day but because I know it is coming I feel like Liam is constantly at the forefront of my mind during any quiet moments I have. I feel like I'm sort of freshly mourning him. I keep thinking of the milestones we would be experiencing now. He would be 4 months tomorrow. I would be back to work and dealing with being a WAHM. I wonder if I would still be breastfeeding. I think about so many whatifs. The other night my SIL was lamenting her return to work on the 15th and I almost wanted to shout at her because at least she has her daughter to come home to but I kept my mouth shut. I know in her world that is a big deal and it should be but I hurt anyway.

I sometimes get the impression that DH's family no longer wishes to talk about Liam but I bring him up anyway. If it makes them uncomfortable oh well. Liam was their nephew and grandson too.

Liam's due date is my birthday. I did not celebrate this past year. Who knows what this year will bring or how I will feel. DH and I have decided that we don't want to be at home on the anniversary of Liam's passing but we don't know where we will go. This year that anniversary is on Thanksgiving. Ideally I would like to be out of the country.

I think a spa day is a great idea for your due date.

I'm sorry it's so difficult. It makes sense that your inlaws might feel uncomfortable, and that your SIL would be in her own world, but it hasn't been long for you guys. I'm surprised they aren't a bit more sensitive.

Your post reminded me about a childhood friend who lost her sister to meningitis when she was 5. I was thinking recently that I wished we had reached out more. Unfortunately, if people haven't experienced a similar loss, they really don't know how to relate or what to say. And I think the pain seems just too unimaginable and they'd rather not deal with it.

akacharlotte

03-09-2010, 05:15 PM

Scout-I just wanted to write I'm thinking of you as I know tomorrow may be a very tough day for you. I'm praying for you and sending as much comfort and peace your way as I can muster. Just know that there is at least one person in this world thinking of you on your due date.

akacharlotte

03-09-2010, 05:16 PM

I'm sorry it's so difficult. It makes sense that your inlaws might feel uncomfortable, and that your SIL would be in her own world, but it hasn't been long for you guys. I'm surprised they aren't a bit more sensitive.

Prudies-They are I'm sure but from my wounded, sensitive point of you view I don't always feel it. KWIM?

pocahontas

03-09-2010, 05:57 PM

Liam's due date is my birthday. I did not celebrate this past year. Who knows what this year will bring or how I will feel. DH and I have decided that we don't want to be at home on the anniversary of Liam's passing but we don't know where we will go. This year that anniversary is on Thanksgiving. Ideally I would like to be out of the country.

I think a spa day is a great idea for your due date.I agree. My girlfriends all got together unbeknownst to me after the death of DS#1 and had dinner catered for DH and I for almost a week after I got home from the hospital and then gave me a spa gift certificate. So I think relaxing and being pampered is a terrific way to spend the day. I did nothing on DS#1's actual due date the first year or last year. And this year it just passed 3 weeks ago and I didn't do anything now either. I think about him all day but I haven't really done any planned events to mark the occasion. Now his actual birthday, Nov. 7...I always write something to or about him in my online journal (which is read by most of my friends.) Funny how more of them remember than my family. :rolleyes: Stacey, getting away is very therapeutic. It was 2 weeks before Thanksgiving when we lost DS and for Christmas we knew we just couldn't stay home...so we went to Vegas to get far away from everyone and everything!

I miss what could have been and what should have been. And this totally makes sense because you had a vision of how it would have been. I am the same way now though people think...she finally has A BABY. She should be happy...and though I am thrilled I also know that I'm 39 and NEVER wanted an only child. I want DS to have a sibling and of course, that brings to the surface the feelings about DS#1 and how if he were here I could be DONE. But now I'm nearing 40 and still thinking about getting pregnant again and feeling bitter than I even have to contemplate it because my DS#1 should still be here with me and his baby brother. Yeah, I completely get where you're coming from. Just want to send good thoughts your way so that you can deal with whatever feelings come your way tomorrow. Hope you enjoy your spa day...you deserve it!

scout

03-09-2010, 06:05 PM

Stacey Thank you. That means a lot.

Funny how more of them remember than my family THis is what has always floored me. All week, I've been receiving emails and posts and cards from my online friends. My real life friends? NOTHING. Not even an email.

because my DS#1 should still be here with me and his baby brother I know. :( Many, many hugs to you.

I had a former coworker who lost a baby to SIDS and once she got pregnant again, everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief, but while that pregnancy was wonderful, it didn't mean that she didn't miss the baby she lost any less. That only occurred to me after I lost my baby.

As always, thinking of all of you. Thank you for being there for me.

cr8zyforaf

03-10-2010, 05:58 AM

T - I can't get on LJ today but I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and Daniel today. I am so very sorry.

scout

03-10-2010, 07:04 AM

Thank you. I'm not kidding when I say I don't know what I would do without my LJ and CC friends.

Ericka_Jarett

03-10-2010, 07:34 AM

Sorry have been missing ladies. read a few comments, for me the week or 2 before my Rebekah's birthday are my hardest. Saw a friend on Saturday that I hadn't seen in at least 6-7 yrs. She met my kids and said you have a 5 yr old too right. I said that was Rebekah, she would have been 5 this April, she felt so bad, she didn't know we lost her. It's getting close to that time again for me. Rebekah was born 6 days after my birthday and the day after my middle brother who is almost 10 yrs older than me, so April ends up bittersweet for me.

My kids look at Rebekah's pictures and say sissy Rebekah and she lives with pop-pop 9they never got to meet him either)

sophiapb

03-10-2010, 07:30 PM

Hi Scout. Just swinging by to say "Helloooooooooooooo" and to see how you are doing.

scout

03-10-2010, 07:35 PM

Ericka Hugs to you and thoughts and prayers for your sweet Rebekah. Thinking of you during your upcoming rough time.

sophia Thank you!

I made it through. It wasn't the best day, but it definitely wasn't the worst. I've had way worse days, that's for sure. I cried on and off, but it wasn't a full on breakdown. A lot of people ended up remembering. Three girls had work had flowers sent, which was really nice. My mom remembered. My DH remembered. My moms' group somehow knew and remembered. My LJ and CC friends remembered. A whole lotta people that should have remembered, didn't, but maybe they didn't think a due date was significant. I'm trying to focus on the people who did remember and the fact that I made it through.

I had spent so much time dreading this day, it's almost a relief that it's almost over.