Late Term Loss, Stillbirth, Infant Loss and Toddler Loss Support Group

[amygrrl]

jennylou - i don't know if i mentioned it to you before, but our pediatric cardiologist said that long qt issue eiley has is thought to be a big cause for sids. and since it can lead to a fatal arrythmia, it can't be spotted on an autopsy. i bring this up because she said she recommends everyone with an unexplained death in the immediate family (including sids) to have each member have an ekg (including the kids). it's super simple and can spot any problems. unfortunately, with this issue, if you had it you would have no symptoms until you suddenly died. anyway, i thought i'd mention it because if we have any future children, they will have to have an ekg at birth and the dr has said there is a very real possibility that this is what happened to avery.

ETA: here's a link to a few articles...
http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/full/343/4/262?ck=nck
http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-134955670.html

[off2skl]

Thanks for thinking of me! I guess I'm feeling better. Some days though I begin to wonder if the baby we lost will be our only one.... This cycle has been very long and no sign of O yet. So much for being more fertile after a pregnancy! I have an appointment with an acupuncturist on Tuesday and we'll give that a try before moving back to the RE.

[ezl247]

Thanks for thinking of me ladies. It has been about 7 weeks or so. I am hanging in there the best that I can. It is so hard- I feel like I have a new set of eyes. Some people can be very very cruel and say/do things that hurt so much. Like for example, I was an event recently and someone asked where is your belly? Very very loudly in front of many people. Come on lady I clearly am not pregnant anymore- ask me privately what happened. I have also learned that some people are very caring and genuine. This event made me realize who are real friends.

I bled for close to 7 weeks. So that was very stressful, I had 2 ultrasounds to make sure that there was not retained product. I am fearful of those machines now. The doctor thinks that I got my period right after so that is why I bled for so long. In any case, bleeding has stopped thankfully.

I got the genetic tests back and they came back 100% normal. Baby boy was healthy. So now they are looking over me with a fine tooth comb. I have blood clotting tests in early October. They suspect that I may have this. This puts off TTC until they figure out what is wrong with me. The doctor warmed me that we may never find an answer, which is usually the case. I am terrified of the results of this test.

I still find myself avoiding people in general. I really don’t want to hear/see who is pregnant. I feel bad about this. Preschool starts tomorrow and I don’t want to explain what happened. I still can’t explain what happened w/o crying.

Kimmie- thanks for the information about the blood clotting disorder. I will definitely PM you if this is what I have.

Jenny- You are almost there. I can imagine how excited and nervous you are at the same time. Do you know what you are having?

Glamma- I have thought a lot of what you said about control. There really is not much we can control, can we? I could not control this pregnancy outcome just like I will not have control over any future pregnancy outcomes.

Amy- How are you doing? How is your baby girl doing? Please check in when you can. I hope that you are doing well, I think of you often.

I do, in general, feel better than I did when this happened. I find myself having a few good days only to crash again. It like a never ending cycle.

I realized that I never officially joined so here it goes :(


Married: Oct. 2002
Kids: DD 4, DD 2
Angel Baby Boy- 7.09.08 (16.5 weeks)
Cause: Unknown at this time but genetic testing is normal

I hope everyone is doing well.

[GlamaGal]

Nice to hear from you, ezl. It's such a long road, really. Just yesterday I cried twice and of course angel dd was part of my crash & burn. Damn hormones.

[dkcmom]

I am unfortuately joining this group. I have never been a frequent poster on CC but I feel that maybe it would help me to join you all.

dkcmom
me: 36
DH: 37
Married: 9/1/02
Children: DS #1 age 4, DS #2 age2
Angel Baby: 16.5 weeks on 8-2-08
Cause of loss: Still awaiting results of testing

Here is a little bit about what happened to us. I was pregnant with my third child and everything had been going pretty well, I had some infrequent spotting early in the first trimester, but my MD did not seem concerned. He had me come in for ultrasounds every two weeks and everything seemed like it was progressing well. I went in for a routine prenatal visit at 16.5 weeks and the MD could not find the hearbeat with the doppler- I wasn't really worried-I just figured the baby was in a weird position. However when he an ultrasound there was no hearbeat. Both my husband (who by some weird circumstance was actually with me-thank god- since he never comes to MD visits) were in shock. My two previous pregnancies were so easy and without incident that I really never thought that something like this would happen. The baby was measuring right on target so it probably died sometime in the previous few days.

The only option given to me by my doctor was an induction and delivery. It took almost 48 hours for me to finally deliver the baby. It was the most emotionally draining thing I have ever been through. Waiting that long in anticipation of a horrible event was so awful. Luckily the nurses at my hospital were probably the most caring and compassionate women I have ever met. I think that maybe it was meant to take that long so my husband and I would have time to really process what happened. We chose to see the baby but I did not want to know the sex. I feel that knowing the sex would increase my sadness even more. I sometimes wonder if this was the right choice, but most of the time I feel comfortable with our decision.

I am really trying to find some meaning in this whole experience. The most important thing for me is that I am able to stay present and available to my two sons. I just do not want to miss out on these amazing years with them because I am too focused on my grief. I have been talking to a therapist(I have seen her in the past- so she knows me and my life story already). Talking to her does help me alot. I think my husband and I are going to go together to see her next week. Overall I feel like I am trying to do the right things to manage my grief while still being a present mother and wife. I still have to take tylenol PM to sleep at night and I frequently have flasbacks of all the events that took place (has anyone else experienced this?). Now I am just very scared to think about TTC again- my age is a factor so it will probably be sooner than later. I just had AF return this week so I guess that is a good sign that my body is getting back on track. Sometimes I wonder if I should just be content with my two little boys and not put myself and my family through another pregnancy. I know that the next pregnancy will be full of worry and stress.

I know this is such a long post, but it felt good to write it all down- even though I can barely type through my tears right now.

[Ericka_Jarett]

dk -so sorry you had to join our group. The hospital and/or doctor should have the gender marked on your chart, so in time if you want to know, you should be able to find out. Glad to hear you are trying your best to handle the grief, that is really important especially since you have other kids at home.

Honestly about the flashbacks, even 3 yrs out I still have flashbacks of the entire day. I don't have them all the time, just about 2-3 times a year probably.

[GlamaGal]

dkcmom- I am so sorry for your loss. In the beginning, I constantly went through everything that had happened beginning when we found out. Later, I got to the point where I could stop myself from thinking of every little detail. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[ezl247]

dkcmom:
I am so sorry for your loss and sad that you had to join our little group. I understand exactly how you feel. Not sure if you have read through previous posts but in case you have not- my situation is exactly the same as yours. My 3rd child, everything going Ok no problems with any pregnancy then at exactly 16.5 weeks- BAM no heartbeat. Our first and second kids are the same age- except I have 2 girls and the baby that died was a boy. I still do not know the cause of death- although I know that he was gentically OK and healthy. The delivery was a nightmare. It is hard- I am only 8 weeks out and it feels like yesterday. I still can't believe it.
((HUGS))) to you- I wish you peace in these hard times ahead.

[dkcmom]

ericka and glamma- thank you so much for your response. It is good to hear that these flashbacks are fairly normal. Sometimes I will having a nice time with my family and then all of the sudden something will come back to me, and I will just burst into tears. I hope that the frequency of this will decrease. It is just so upsetting!

ezl274- It is strange how similiar our situations are. thank you so much for your hugs! I hope you are doing better. My oldest DS goes back to preschool this week. i am dreading seeing the moms of the other kids- some knew I was pregnant and they know what happened , but others never even knew I was pregnant ( we haven't seen them all summer and I didn't tell anyone until Jul). I just kind of want to avoid the whole situation because I know I will start crying if someone mentions anything. Is it getting any easier for you to be around people? I am fine at times, but I really would rather just stay home or go places where I do not have to socialize. I am forcing myself to go to a social group meeting I belong to tommorow. I know it will be hard- but I know it will be good for me. It was nice because DH and I had planned a family vacation to Seattle and Victoria for the end of Aug before any of this happened, so I had a week away from everything and then last week I went with the boys to my parents for a few days. Maybe getting back into a routine will really help us- but for now I just do not want to deal.

There is a mom from my sons preschool who I started hanging out with this summer who just had a baby two weeks ago. She has two boys the exact same age as mine and just had a baby girl. I am happy for her, but really dreading going over to see the baby. I picked up a present yesterday, but I just do not want to go over there. I hate that I even feel like that. I know I at least need to call and see how they are doing. Today just feels like it will be such a long day- we do not have anything planned, but I can not bear the thought of staying around our house. I feel like I am being a bad mom- as I type away on the computer while my boys are asking when I am coming to play with them. I better go give them some attention. I just have so much anxiety and guilt about everything right now.

[portinastorm]

Hi everyone,
I posted last year after we had lost our twin B and our twin A was born at 28 weeks. Our little survivor has done so well and will be one next week, but I am still heavily grieving the loss of her sister. Next Thursday is one year from the day I learned that she had had a cord accident, and I'm wondering if anyone has any good ideas for things to do to commemorate her that day. I want to do something meaningful and not too sad, but something I can maybe do each year so that I will keep a strong connection to her. I haven't cried over her in a while now, but I am crying as I write this. I would really appreciate any suggestions. God bless all of you who know the pain of losing baby.

[Ericka_Jarett]

portinastorm - glad to hear that your twin A is doing well and turning 1 already.

You could have a balloon release or some people I know have cake at the cemetery as a family. She will always be a part of you and your daughter will always have a twin sister. We just had a MOM in our twins club that lost one of her twins at only about 24-25 weeks. Her son is a little fighter too.

Hugs to you.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I feel like a bad mom. I haven't been to Rebekah's grave since about May. I hate that it's been that long. I think about her often and have talked with our club president about having candles lit at our next general meeting since it falls on the 15th of October. We can remember my baby girl, and all the other babies that have been lost over the years.

[jenahdawn]

The only thing I know we are doing this year for sure (got this idea from our support group) is an angel food cake.

Otherwise, I'm doing a show that day and already feel beyond guilty for it. We will be celebrating on Friday instead of Saturday, I think.

My parents will be here. His parents won't acknowledge it...again.

[portinastorm]

Thanks Ericka and jenahdawn, those are both good suggestions. I don't know if anyone but me will remember the significance of the day, but that's okay. This is something I want to do by myself with my surviving daughter. I can imagine that making an angel food cake each year with my daughter could become a very special tradition. Ericka, I hope the mom in your twins group is hanging in there. Losing one twin is a horrific experience. Having one survivor and one who didn't survive is an incredibly complicated emotional experience. But am I thankful that I have my wonderful daughter and that I had the experience of carrying her and her sister together for 28 weeks. Big hugs to everyone on this thread.

[boilermaker]

Hello ladies. I wanted to let you all know that I just got a text from Jenny and her new little one is here!! I won't ruin the surprise for her, but I know how much these rainbow babies mean to all of you.

portinastorm, many hugs to you as your surviving twin nears her birthday. I can't begin to imagine the bittersweet feelings you are dealing with.

[GlamaGal]

OMG! I'm so excited. Can't wait to hear who she/he is and thanks for letting us know the little one is here & healthy.:D:)

[goldengbridge]

Hi Ladies. I haven't stopped in for awhile now. I see we have a few new members and I sadly welcome you all.

We got a little surprise a few months ago and found out we're expecting a new rainbow baby! We were unsure as to whether we would try for another one but it seems as though God made the decision for us. I'm 12 weeks today and go to the Perinatologist for the first time today for my nuchal test. If you would please keep this little one in your thoughts and prayers if you do that kinda thing this afternoon that everything looks good. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thinking of you all-

Jen

[Kimmiebride]

First of all, Jenny and Jen... great news on both fronts! Praying for only the best for you guys.

I just got off the phone with Amy (you're the best) and just wanted to post in here... My friends just lost their baby at like 35 weeks. Her shower was to be tomorrow. the nursery is all ready, and today she is being induced. I just can't believe it. I can't stop crying. I just saw the daddy a couple of weeks ago. We were all so excited together. Now the mourning. To top it off, we leave on vacation tomorrow, and I can't even be here to do anything. I know she has her best friend who is bringing meals and stuff... still I feel so helpless. and beyond angry.

Love to you all,
Kimmie

[jennylou]

Aw, Kimmie, that just sucks. :( I remember when my BF called me freaking out about her brother and SIL because they couldn't find the heartbeat and they were sending them to be seen at the hospital. :( I hated that a tragedy like ours was striking someone so close to me... :(

Jen - congrats again! :)

Thanks for all the congrats! We welcomed Joshua Edward on Saturday night at 9:31 pm. Another successful VBAC - this time with no epi! He was 8 lbs, 4 oz and 20 inches long. So far, he's such an easy going baby. Nora was, um, much more hands on. ;) She's a high maintenance one even now. :p

[Kimmiebride]

jennylou.... GREAT name for the BOY!!!
love,
the other Josh's mommy

[jenahdawn]

I'm doing a show this weekend, so I already feel guilty...

Tomorrow's 2 years.

I've been on the verge of tears all day and have a feeling tomorrow's going to be terrible.

[jennylou]

jenah - thinking about you today and this weekend. I found the days leading up to the anniversary harder than the actual anniversary itself, but I know it's certainly different for everyone.

I have been fielding a ton of questions lately - I forgot about all the questions that people asked with Nora on the apnea monitor. We get them every time we go out, and some people are super nosy! What is that? Was he a premie? Is there something wrong with him? Well, why is he on one? Blah, blah, blah - STFU you nosy person that I don't even know!

[Ericka_Jarett]

I remember those days Jenny. At least we could have the monitors somewhat hidden under the double SNG but people saw the wires on the girls and would ask questions. It's good in a way but can be a pain as well.

[pocahontas]

CONGRATS JENNY and welcome to your rainbow son! :)

[GlamaGal]

Hope today is good to you, Jenah.

[goldengbridge]

Thinking of you today Jenah!

[Kimmiebride]

Thinking of you Jenah, and hoping you're doing ok...
hugs,
Kimmie

[bluebunny]

I hope it's okay if I join here. I delivered my son last night at 18 weeks, 5 days gestation. I know most people consider a loss a miscarriage if it happens less than 20 weeks but since I was induced and labored to deliver him, I feel more comfortable here than in a miscarriage support thread. (And, btw, I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks with resulting D&E so I've been there, too, but this feels completely different.)

Ultrasound yesterday showed no heartbeat after two prior ultrasounds showed a healthy, growing baby. Cause of death is thought to be cord accident; it was badly twisted and mishapen where it attached to his abdomen. Otherwise, he was perfect--tiny hands and feet, lips and brow like his daddy's, toes like me.

We named him Joey; we thought about the name Joseph but it felt too big for a baby so small that would never grow up so we settled on Joey.

In the past 24 hours, I have gone through various emotions and right now I feel numb. I can't believe I'm no longer pregnant and we are planning a burial.

Guess I just needed to put it out there. I hope some of you are around.

[Ericka_Jarett]

bluebunny - Sad welcome to you. I am so sorry to read about your loss of little Joey. You are most welcome here. Hugs to you. Vent anytime you need to on here, we all understand and have been there too. Don't let anyone tell you to get over it or it's time to move on, if they have never lost a child, they have no idea. Grieve all you need to and know that you will never forget Joey.

[GlamaGal]

Oh, bluebunny, I am so sorry to see you here. I felt similar about my m/c v. my loss. And I don't say that to take away anyone's very valid feelings about either. Welcome to a great group of women. Joey is a beautiful name for a baby boy, and I'm so sorry he's no longer with you.

[jennylou]

bluebunny - I'm so sorry for your loss. And yes, you are more than welcome here, we have several that have had second tri losses. Be gentle on yourself.

Damn, I hate when new people join our sad club. :(

[Kimmiebride]

Oh, bluebunny, so sad to hear about your loss of Joey. I lost my Robert at exactly the same gestational age. Isn't it amazing how you can tell at this age how many features are like you and his daddy? I didn't see Robert, but the nurses gave me pictures, and I could totally see how he looked like his daddy. I am glad you got so spend some time with him. He will be with you forever. We are here for you - to be shoulders to cry on, and answer questions based on our experiences. I hope you find some peace here among us.
hugs,
Kimmie

[goldengbridge]

Bluebunny- I am so very sorry for your loss! You are in the right place! Your story sounds alot like mine. I lost my son, Jacob, at 18 w 4days to what looked like a cord accident. I'm glad you got to spend time with your little boy and please know you'll be in my thoughts and prayers!

[off2skl]

I am so sorry for your loss bluebunny. I lost my son at 19 weeks, and although the medical profession terms it a miscarriage, I feel the same as you (not that a miscarriage is less traumatic or anything).

[bluebunny]

Thanks for the welcome. I hate that anyone has to go through this. What a nightmare.

I haven't read this thread and I'm sure the question has been asked...but what do you say when people ask you how many children you have? (If this has been asked recently, just point me to the post #!)

DH and I were coming back from the cemetary, where we were looking at the burial site, and we decided to stop by Lowe's. I was trying to take my mind off things and thought that it might be nice to get some mums for our porch. We were on the other side of town from where we live and we ran into a woman that I went to high school with and had not seen in 15+ years. She, of course, asked how many children I had and did we live around there (no)--what were we doing in that area. All were chitchat questions, of course, but hard to answer. How do you say to someone you haven't seen in years that you just lost your third child and that you were on that side of town because you were at the cemetary??

Ugh. It was awful. I think I looked like an idiot. Fortunately, my DH stepped in and started talking. When we got back into the car, I said, how do we answer that question in the future? It is much easier to say "two kids" to a stranger rather than going through the whole thing, and having someone comment on your situation. On the other hand, it's hard to discount your child that you lost.

This whole thing sucks.

[jennylou]

bluebunny - I usually say that I have two living children. Sometimes, I'll add that we lost our first to the conversations - usually if we're discussing something like births (because my first was a c/s and my two rainbow babies have been VBACs. Honestly, the questions will get easier to answer - so, do what you want. If today you feel like it's easier to just say two, there's no harm in it.

[Ericka_Jarett]

It is a hard question especially in the beginning. I usually would get a little teary afterwards. My daughter was my 1st born, and my son was born a year later and now that I have my twins too, it's always questioning eyes I get.

I tell people I had 4 children, my son and 3 daughters. Usually when they hear had, and they see me with the 3 kids, they don't ask any further questions. Sometimes depending on the situation I say I have 3 here and 1 in Heaven.

A good friend of mine from high school and I got back in touch after 15 yrs. I told her that I had lost my 1st born daughter and pregnant with my son. She told me that she had also lost her 1st born daughter and that she is buried with her father, who died a year later. Found another friend from high school a few months ago and since we were pretty good friends, when she commented on my kids pictures I said thanks and then she asked me when they were born and such. Told her the years and that my daughter had passed. She gave her sympathies to me.

Every situation is unique. If it's not someone you were close with, you could just say you have 3 kids and leave it as that, if it seems like quick chitchat. No need to go into the details if you don't want to. You could say 2 here and 1 in Heaven or just 2. You will figure out what works best in different situations for you.

Hugs to you. Looking at burial plots for your baby just plain sucks. We had 3 options for our daughter and we chose the one that we felt was best for us.

[Astro]

bluebunny - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Joey is a beatiful name for a little boy. We lost our boys (Alex and Ryan) at 16 weeks 1 day. Technically it's a miscarriage, but all our doctors know we consider it a stillbirth. We went through labor, saw our beatiful fully formed little boys, and knew that wasn't a miscarriage. Friends of ours gave us two angel ornaments soon after losing our boys. We have the ornaments in our bedroom during the year, but put them on the tree at Christmas. One thing we have learned through the past few years is to do what we think is right for ourselves and our boys. That includes calling it a stillbirth, naming our boys, talking about our boys, and burying our boys.

Some people choose different paths on this journey. Different paths aren't wrong, just different. You and your husband will talk and decide what's right for you guys. Sometimes you'll know how to answer people when they ask how many children you have, sometimes you wont, sometimes you'll answer differently. Those are all fine.

For us, it's been a few years since our boys were born, so I am more inclined to tell strangers we have no children (or no living children). People from my past, even from long ago, I usually say we have no living children. Of course that usually opens the door for more questions, so I use it only when I want to talk.

Sorry for the ramble. Please post as often as you want here and about whatever you want. When we first lost our boys, I was here quite often as it gave me a place other than my husband to turn to. Not saying my husband wasn't great, just I sometimes needed to hear from women who'd gone through this horrible thing.

[jennylou]

astro - how are you doing? I think about you often.

[bluebunny]

Thanks, astro, Ericka, jennylou. I picked up a pamphlet today at the funeral home and it had that exact question in it. The "answer" was to say what you feel comfortable with but to feel free to say, "I have __ children, but __ are living." Or something like that. It said not to be deterred by a reaction of surprise/shock. It empowered me to read that as it is not about making a stranger comfortable but about honoring my child, which is valid.

Anyway, I appreciate your responses. I really need to read this whole thread as I'm sure many of my "questions" have been discussed. Right now, I can't even think about another pregnancy. It is absolutely out of the question at this point, even if it were physically possible. But I know for certain that I want a third living child and we will want to TTC sometime in the future. At what point did you all feel ready? I know it varies widely. I don't think I would be ready for at least six months or more but I guess that could change. My DH said he can't even begin to fathom it right now. I have my follow-up check-up in two weeks but they didn't put me on pelvic rest. What did your doctors advise in terms of waiting (or not)?

[dkcmom]

Blue Bunny I am so sorry for your loss. It is just such a shocking and horrible thing to experience. I lost my baby 2 months ago at 16 1/2 weeks and I also feel like it was not just a miscarriage. I had the experience of seeing a group of my husbands coworkers this weekend that we only see once or twice a year.It was weird because some of the people knew about our pregnancy and loss and others never even knew I was ever pregnant (you know how men don't always share these things with each other- my husband's company is about 95% guys too). It was kind of painful to talk to the people who didn't know and just make mindless small talk about the summer. I did not feel comfortable bringing it up into those conversations by saying "Oh by the way I lost our baby this summer." It was just awkward to answer the question "How are the kids doing?" (I have two other children), without acknowleging the one I lost.

I have the same question for those who have gone on to try to conceive again. I just got the green light from my MD that we can start trying this month. I really want to start trying again soon. I have several reasons that may or may not be rational, but my biggest is my age (36) and I do not want there to be too much space between my children ( I have a 4 yr and 2 yr old). How did you know when you were ready? Part of me is enjoying not being pregnant and how much energy I have now, but another part of me just wants to know that I can have another child. My gut feeling is to just start trying this month, but I am afraid that I am being impulsive. I truly believe that everything will work out the way it is suppose to, but I am so scared to make a wrong decision.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I got the ok to try again at around 6 weeks after my follow-up visit. My OB wanted to see how I was physically and also emotionally. Some people want to have another baby to replace the one they lost, as strange as that may sound. She wanted to see how I was feeling. For me, I wanted another baby to add to my family, my daughter was my 1st born and always would be, I wasn't trying to replace her at all. When my son and twins are older I will tell them more about Rebekah. For now I do mention her to them, but they are so little 2 and almost 1 they don't understand.

I got pregnant with my son about 10 months after I had Rebekah. She was born in April and by June got the ok to start, since it took me a long time to get pregnant with Rebekah. Then got pregnant with my twins when my son was 6 months, unexpected surprise.

You will know when the time is right, it may not be for a good long while or it could be quicker than you can even fathom right now. Since your loss is so new, just take your time to grieve Joey and when the time is right you will know. You will be a nervous wreck just as I know many of the other moms on here were as well as myself. But it will improve and you just try to embrace the next baby as an addition and not a replacement.

Hugs to you. Feel free to ask any questions, even if you think it was asked before. We are all willing to lend a hand and advice that helped us along.

[GlamaGal]

bluebunny- I go back and forth on how to answer the question of how many children I have. Lately, I've answered one if someone asks me (because I'm pg, people ask a lot). I guess it just depends on the day/my mood, and whether or not I feel like the person needs a full answer or would ask further questions. What really gets me is when people ask if I am going to have any more. It makes me really emotional. If only things were that simple.

I wanted to TTC right away. For us, we'd tried so long to get pg and had a m/c and then a loss, and I was just ready for another baby already. It was scary, but for us it was right, and we got pregnant 3 mos. to the date of our daughter's passing. I considered that good luck. What is hard (for me) is being pregnant 13 mos. of the last 16, but had I not gotten pregnant right away I fear my emotional state would not have been good.

[dkcmom]

Glama I think I feel the same way you did about wanting to try again right away. I have been extremely fortunate to be able to get pregnant quickly, but I you never know how long it might take this time. I would hate to wait another six months to try and then have it take a year to conceive. Like I mentioned before my age (36) also is a huge factor in my wanting to try again now. I think my biggest fear is what you just mentioned- being pregnant for such a long time. I felt so physically drained with this last pregnancy that I had little energy for my two sons. I am very scared to feel like that again, but I also have an overwhelming desire for another child. My husband does not agree with my urgency to start trying. I know it is going to be difficult to convince him to try. He is not sure he wants another child (this last pregnancy was a not planned). I do not think he can understand the deep emotional desire that I am experiencing. I do not feel like my family is complete and I am afraid I will always have a hole in my heart if I do not have another child.

How did those who have gone on to conceive again cope with the fears that come along with pregnancy after loss? I had two completely normal pregnancies and then this loss. I am afraid that if I become pregnant again I will be so scared the entire time. I made an appointment with an accupuncturist (who specializes in womens health/fertility) and I am continuing to see a therapist. I just want to be proactive to help myself cope with anxiety and fear that goes along with the process of TTC and not letting the process become all consuming ( I do not want to let this affect my boys).

[jennylou]

I got the okay and clomid at 7 weeks pp.

[GlamaGal]

How did those who have gone on to conceive again cope with the fears that come along with pregnancy after loss? I had two completely normal pregnancies and then this loss. I am afraid that if I become pregnant again I will be so scared the entire time. I made an appointment with an accupuncturist (who specializes in womens health/fertility) and I am continuing to see a therapist. I just want to be proactive to help myself cope with anxiety and fear that goes along with the process of TTC and not letting the process become all consuming ( I do not want to let this affect my boys).


Each appt. was a milestone that I'd celebrate. They did an u/s at 6 wk., an u/s at 10 wk., the NTT at 12 wk., the AFP at 16 wk., and a full anatomy scan at 18 wk. Each point was a moment to be thankful for and celebrate. I released my worries for the most part after that last scan and decided to be happy and trust that everything would work out. I mean, the worst had already happened, could it happen twice? And if it did, I'd just have to make it through and do what I could do, because we knew our family wasn't complete. That and having these ladies and venting on LJ got me through it.

[ezl247]

First off Congratulations to Jenny on the birth of your little boy, Joshua! Congratulations to Goldenbridge on your pregnancy!

I am so sorry Bluebunny that you had to join our small little group. I too lost my third child. I am almost 3 months out and it feels like yesterday sometimes. Everyone here told me to take it one day at a time and really that is all that you can do. I know what the how the term miscarriage stings- I lost my baby at 16.5 weeks, it was deemed a spontaneous abortion. Lovely medical terminology right?

I have just completed my bloodwork to determine if I have any blood clotting disorders that could have contributed to the loss. My OB told me to wait at least 3 months to TTC. I will be waiting longer than that- maybe much longer depending on what the results show.

The first few weeks are very hard but it does get easier- I promise you will not cry every day but it will always be on your mind. I wish you peace in the tough weeks ahead.

[jenahdawn]

bluebunny,

We lost Katie & Chloe (just over 2 years ago now) at 18~6. We don't know why and never will. I've only had one person (a very bad nurse who didn't stay my nurse for very long when I was on hospital bedrest with our rainbow daughter) INSIST it was only a miscarriage.

Lately, I'm finding myself just answering THAT question truthfully. How many kids do you have? "Three, we lost our twin daughters in Sept. of 2006" I'm finding myself saying it so the asker...I don't know...doesn't feel stupid for not knowing and also so I end up controlling the conversation. (aka, shutting that line of questioning down) But you will be amazed in the coming months how many people will tell you about their loss, too.

My doc, who knew me WAY too well, wanted us to wait 6 months to let my body heal and then I wouldn't be due around the girls' birthday. (we get pregnant quick)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We haven't been to the cemetary yet for their birthday, but it sounds like we may go this Wednesday to replace their elephants.

We had angel food cake on their birthday. It was a busy day with my show, and, like last year, the build up and anticipation was so much harder than the day.

[bluebunny]

dkcmom, my situation is similar; my children are almost four (this month) and almost two (Dec). I just turned 34. I don't mind so much having a little more spacing between my second and another baby and my age has not been a huge concern, yet. I have major reservations about TTC again. I was so sick this pregnancy and I had very little energy for my two children; I'm scared another pregnancy would again rob them of time with me (and me with them). This pregnancy was so much harder than my others. I can't bear the thought of suffering thru nausea and vomiting for weeks and ending up with another loss.


Thanks, Ericka. I don't know how you managed when it took 10 months to conceive again. Right now it is hard for me to imagine wanting to get back on the TTC rollercoaster and I'm sure it would be so difficult not to get pregnant quickly once we decided to go for it.

oops, DD is up, gotta go.

[dkcmom]

Bluebunny My third pregnancy was also by far the worst I have ever had. I felt like I was the worst mom all summer. I feel like these toddler /preschool years go by so fast and I have already spent so much of the last six months feeling awful and unable to fully enjoy my time with them- do I want to add another 9 months? It is such a hard decision. I have been thinking about this decision since the day I delivered my baby.

My husband told me last week that he did not want to try again. When he said that to me it was like experiencing the loss all over again. The hope that I could have another child has kept me going these last two months. I do think that he will agree to TTC because of how much it means to me (last week was a particularly stressful week at work and he was tired and overwhelmed). I just hate that I have to convince him. I also get annoyed when I bring up TTC to certain friends and family that they tell me it is WAY too soon to think about it again. Did anyone else who TTC soon after their loss have to deal with judgements of other people?

[bluebunny]

Glamagal, this: "Each point was a moment to be thankful for and celebrate" is such a great attitude. After my first trimester miscarriage, I remember praying for another baby and telling God that I would praise him for every single day of that baby's life, whether ten days, ten months, ten years, etc. I was so at peace with that. I hope that I will have that same attitude if we decide to, and get pregnant again. Like you, though, I feel that my family is not complete.


ezl247, we had an excellent experience with the medical staff and not once did anyone (doctor, nurse, etc) downplay our loss. I was prepared for that, though, because my sister had a loss around 20 weeks and her medical chart read "abortion" and she almost died because her baby was so very much wanted. It's hard to imagine right now that things get any easier.

jenahdawn, I went back and read through this thread and your girls were about the same size as my Joey. I really feel like I have to acknowledge Joey when people ask me how many children I have. It doesn't seem like it would be that complicated of a question but oh how emotional. I like the angel food cake idea--how sweet.

dkcmom, I'm so sorry you are having a hard time getting on the same page with your DH about TTC. It is so very difficult. Right now I think waiting longer would be better so that at least my DD will be a little more self-sufficient if I were to have a difficult pregnancy again. As to the judgments of family and friends about TTC, I think the best thing is not to consult them. I know that I will not be having a specific "when" conversation with anyone other than my DH. I don't really care what other people think because they haven't been there. My sister, who had a loss at about 20 weeks, got pregnant three months later even though her doctor advised her to wait longer. (This was 16 years ago). I wouldn't listen to the naysayers if I were you.

Well, it's day four and I'm a wreck. It's gloomy and overcast today and that certainly doesn't help. I can't believe it hasn't even been a week; I feel like I've been mourning his passing for months. It is excruciating.

[jenahdawn]

Well, it's day four and I'm a wreck. It's gloomy and overcast today and that certainly doesn't help. I can't believe it hasn't even been a week; I feel like I've been mourning his passing for months. It is excruciating.


And, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to speed it up.

Sorry.

[bluebunny]

And, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to speed it up.

Sorry.

Maybe I'm just completely emotional but that sounded so cold. I was trying to say that I feel like I'll never get passed this but I realize it has been only four days. I know that grief lessens with time; we lost my sister-in-law at age 19 and that was six years ago. Some days I still feel like that wound is raw and other times, I feel okay about it. I imagine this grief will work the same way but right now I can't imagine ever being okay with it--does that make sense??

I get angry because I feel that people will expect me to move on quickly. And that does not seem like a remote possibility. I need to make my follow-up doctor appointment but I dread going into that office again. Ugh.

[jenahdawn]

Maybe I should have typed what was in my head initially:

Unfortunately, there are no magic words that will take your hurt away.

I try and avoid using the "It takes one day at a time" because I always wanted to scream, "BUT I WANT THE HURT TO GO AWAY NOW!" I asked everyone and anyone I knew when the hurt went away and when it got easier. People would tell me, "One day at a time" and "It never really goes away" and I was never satisfied with those answers.

But then one day (I can't tell you when), you wake up and realize at some point in the day that you haven't cried or spent every moment thinking. Then you feel guilty for it. Then you realize that people said "One day at a time" because that's the way it has to be. There is no other way to go forward. (For me, I couldn't even tell you what happened in the first 4 months.)

Then you begin to adjust to your new normal, hating it at first, then just tollerating it. I don't know what happens 16 years out like a friend of mine, but she told me it took until now, 16 1/2 years later, to not be angry anymore. (Again, that's her.)

At 4 and 5 days out, it's so raw (another term I hated) that anything and everything will make you cry or be upset. But you are going to learn how strong you are when you don't feel it. But you are. And I am sorry this is what happened for you to find out how strong you have to be.

If you are a book reader, I'd suggest getting a few that are listed on the front page here. Don't expect Barnes & Noble or Borders to have them or multiple copies in stock. (we have one of the larger B&N and they had 1 copy of "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" in 2 years. I know. I bought it.)

Also, SHARE (http://www.shareyourstory.org/webx?14@221.dFceayQTKGf.14@.ee81e32) is another place to tell your story...when you are ready.

Is there a local bereaved parent group you could go to? If your hospital or OB's office didn't give you information, you could contact your local chapter of The Compassionate Friends group and find out. (A warning by one of our group members who lost their daughter at 1 year, 22 days, TCF is for loss of a child at any age, so some of their topics may not fit with your loss)

And, I know it's still early, but when you are ready, you may want to look for a counselor who specializes in pregnancy and infant loss.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hi ladies,

Please keep a family that is losing their daughter in your prayers. My husband is getting ready to do a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photo session for the family. The baby was born 4 weeks ago at 26 weeks and she is going into complete organ failure now. Clergy is being called in now and then my husband will do the session for them.

[bluebunny]

jenahdawn, thanks for elaborating. I'm so emotional about everything.

erika, I'm praying for the family. It makes me ill to think of someone else going thru this.

One week today. I don't want to talk to anyone today but I don't really want to be alone, either. DH had to go back to work today after being off all week. I really didn't want him to go but he is so behind and I think he would feel better if he got some things done. Right now I never want to return to work again. (I work two days per week). I can't imagine having to face everyone at work. Ugh. Is it unreasonable to take another week off?? I don't know what my boss will say as we are a small office and it is hard to cover when someone is out unexpectedly.

[jennylou]

bluebunny - I took seven weeks off at Andrew died. I did have a c/s, but you are still recovering from birth - it's not unreasonable to take another week or two off IMO. In fact, my OB really advised staying home. At a week out I was thinking I should go back to work and my OB talked to me about it and told me that she would advise me to take the time and really face and start to work through my grief. Of course, I was looking at work as an escape from sitting at home thinking about everything over and over again. When I went back to the OB for my six week checkup (done at nearly 7 weeks PP) she told me that she couldn't write me out any longer, but if I wanted to stay home longer, she could send me to a grief counselor who could write me out for longer if I felt I needed it.

All that to say - if you're not feeling up to going back to work - don't feel guilty about it. Your boss will either understand or not. Mine did not initially and made a snarky comment about how it wasn't like I had a baby at home to care for. I think he completely got it during my first week back when someone else who worked for the county, but in a different office (and city and department) called over and was shocked that I was back at work. He knew I was due at the end of May and this was early July. He was all chit chatty, although I was trying to get him off of the phone and on the phone with who he was actually calling for. Anyways, when he asked me how the baby was I lost it. He felt pretty bad, but I think it really showed my boss (and my coworkers) how this was a very real loss - that I lost a child.

[dkcmom]

bluebunny-I think taking another week off is completely reasonable. I think it depends on how much support you expect to from your coworkers. I am not sure if you are going to share this experience with anyone you work with , but perhaps letting them know will allow people to be more sensitive and supportive of you while you grieve. I guess it depends on the dynamics of your office and how comfortable you are with your coworkers.

The compassion of others can sometimes help you to heal. I find when I recieve a card or someone gives me hug it almost feels like they are helping to carry this huge load of grief I have. Sharing your pain can help lessen the burden of sadness. I have been extremely touched by how thoughtful and understanding my family, friends and neighbors have been. I think this awful and painful experience has made me appreciate those around me a little more.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I was working a part time job when I lost my Rebekah. I had previously worked there and when I emailed in 3 days after I had Rebekah after having just called out for another day since the birth. They totally understood and everyone was so sorry to hear of her passing, I was 24 weeks. My boss said to take whatever time I needed (it was busy season too) I took a month, came back after Mother's Day. Everyone was supportive and gave their condolences, they let me talk about it if I wanted. It helped that they knew and could support me

[bluebunny]

I really appreciate all of you in this thread. I don't know where else I would turn.

As far as returning to work, I don't feel ready. It's good to hear that some of you took several weeks off. I guess I feel bad because DH and I work in the same office; he works FT and I work PT. He returned to work today and felt overwhelmed. I told him that in some ways he has it easier, because he gets less "attention" about this, and in other ways he has it harder, because people tend to discount that he is grieving as much as I am.

One reason I don't feel ready to return to work is that I don't want to look pregnant and be asked by someone when I am due. That would be soooo difficult.

I am not sure if you are going to share this experience with anyone you work with , but perhaps letting them know will allow people to be more sensitive and supportive of you while you grieve.

I work in the court system and I sent out an email to almost everyone I work with letting them know what had happened. I wanted to let them know en masse so it would be easier when I returned. I am hoping that by getting the word out I will get less questions when I return. (I mean, I expect the "how are you doing?" but I really don't want the "so what happened?" kinds of questions.)

I ended up spending the day with a friend (and our combined four children). We went to lunch and then spent about two hours wandering around Costco, with the kids getting tasters, playing with the toys, and running down the aisles. I'm sure everyone there was glad to see us leave. ;) I'm so glad that I got out of the house today. I had not left the house in days and I was starting to feel like I never wanted to leave. I cannot afford to sink into depression because I have two living children who need to be parented and loved. In some ways, having them makes this bearable.

[mamax2]

Bluebunny ~ I saw your name on this thread and had to stop. I'm so very sorry to hear of Joey's passing. My prayers are with your family.

[GlamaGal]

bluebunny- I can completely understand not wanting to leave the house. I SAHM, so I didn't have to deal with going back to work. We had out of town Christmas plans already made, so I got to be away from home for a month less than two weeks after DD's passing. When I returned, I switched DD's gym class to an alternate day so I wouldn't have to see the moms. I also wanted my stomach to just be flat so people wouldn't ask me (in the grocery line, etc.). I avoided everyone but my BFF and a few others on the phone and in person. It's so hard. You're so raw and you really just don't want to deal with others' reactions (or non-reaction). You'll find some people won't say anything (or even send a card if they're afraid to speak about it). That's upsetting as well.

I think it helped a lot that I could cry and talk about it to a few close friends. You'll know when you've gotten enough out that you can bear being "out in the world". Those cries enabled me to face people and move on. Having living children made it easier for me, but also harder in that I couldn't be selfish on a few days I really needed to be. But, maybe that was for the best as well.

[jenahdawn]

See, and I felt the opposite.

I didn't have a job (my husband's supervisor's wife worked in the HR dept of their company and they created a temp job for me to get me out of the house, but I could go or not go whenever I wanted) and don't know how I could have handled having living children because there were days I couldn't get out of bed.

For months I flaked on friends. I'd be all ready to go out to go shopping or anywhere and would call at the last minute to ditch because I couldn't handle it.

This is a time to not beat yourself up and not FORCE yourself to do something you're not ready to do.

[bluebunny]

mamax2, thank you for the prayers.

GlamaGal and jenahdawn, it's good to hear different experiences. I guess there are pros and cons to both situations (working v. SAH, children at home v. no children at home). I think that eventually work will be a good distraction but right now it is hard to think about returning. And I do feel like a bad mom some days (gosh it's been just over a week) because I feel like I'm not focusing on them. Instead, I'm sitting on the couch not moving for a few hours while they play around me. My one-year old has started asking, "Mama okay?" That is hard.

The best way to describe this journey is emotional roller coaster. I have feelings of peace occasionally, because I really had reservations about this pregnancy; I never felt "good" about it, just a nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. And then, of course, is the devastation about not seeing my child grow up and trying to go on after this.

It is amazing to me, though, how many women have told me that they have gone thru something similar. My boss's wife confided that she lost a baby at 26 weeks 30 years ago. And four other women that I know have written me cards/emails saying that they have suffered a similar loss. It is comforting, in a way, knowing that other women survived the loss.

My follow-up doctor's appointment is tomorrow. I dread it--the waiting room, the nurses, the exam room. I also dread the question of what we are planning to do in regards to birth control. I don't know. I do know that DH and I cannot fathom another pregnancy at this point. I don't want to do anything long-term, like IUD, and pills make me nutty. I don't know what to do. I do not want to be surprised with another pregnancy. I wish I had a plan.

[betsyboop]

Hi, I'm not sure if it's ok for me to post here- just let me know if it's not.

We found out at my 16 week OB appt during an impromptu ultrasound to locate the heartbeat that our baby had a pleural effusion (fluid around the lung). We were refered to a perinatologist and had an amnio, bloodwork, and an ultrasound the next day. We found out our baby girl had Down Syndrome 10 days later. We had another ultrasound 3 days later and found out that the fluid was an indicator of a serious heart defect and lifelong lung issues since the fluid would prevent the lungs from fully developing. It was also likely that other complications would arise over time- having a pleural effusion is pretty much the worst case scenario for a Down's baby. In fact, 84% of these cases never make it to birth at all. We ended up making the decision to terminate and the procedure was done over 2 days when I was 17w 6d and 18w pregnant. That was 10 days ago.

I took some time off from posting online and I'm just starting to get into the swing of things now. We are actually really trying to force ourselves to do normal stuff in order to help ourselves move on and I think it's helping us a lot. Still, little things can set me off. Telling friends is tough- one friend started sobbing as I was telling her which of course caused me to start crying and then I couldn't stop. My mom and I took my DD to the playground last week and DD ended up spending some time playing with a little boy with Down's while we were there. My mom and I both lost it. One person on my friends list on LJ left some mean comments after I said that we were going to terminate which really bothered me a lot.

One thing that has really helped me as a SAHM is that I haven't had to be alone during the day yet. DH had the first 3 work days afterwards off, then my mom spent the day with me for 2 days. My sister came up today, I have a friend coming over with her daughter tomorrow and another friend with her son the next day. My 2 week OB appt is the next day and my mom is coming up for that and then I have a playgroup on Friday. I'm hoping that I'll be ok to be on my own by next Monday.

We were given a packet at the clinic about how to deal with a "fetal anomaly" and have been really taking it to heart. It helps to have a guide of sorts. It said not to have expectations to TTC at a specific point, but to just follow your gut. Originally, my gut was saying to wait a while, but I'm thinking more and more that I want to try right away... I'm looking forward to my follow up OB appt to see what they say but am on pelvic rest until then. I'm so scared of having the same thing happen again and I don't think waiting will help- I'll only become more anxious over time.

bluebunny- I have been so surprised by how many people are coming out of the woodwork with similar experiences too! I obviously wouldn't wish anyone to go through what we have gone through, but at the same time it helps somewhat to know that other people have "been there", you know?

[jennylou]

betsy - I'm so sorry for your loss. :( And, I'm sorry that people on your FL made such mean remarks. I know there are a few people in our group that chose to terminate (or induce labor), though, I don't know if they talk about it publicly on here about it (and if they chose not to, I'd understand that - people can be mean!). Take that person off of your FLs, right now you only need people around you who are going to lift you up, not tear you down.

[bluebunny]

betsy, I'm so sorry! Something similar happened to my sister many years ago. They found out at her 20-week u/s that the baby had a trisomy (can't remember which one right now) chromosomal abnormality. The baby had a hole in her heart and the lungs and kidneys were not developing appropriately. The doctor said those babies almost never make it to term and so they chose to terminate (she was induced). My sister is pro-life and the doctor assured her that he did not do abortions, that terminating a baby with those disabilities, which were incompatible with life outside the womb, was not an abortion. She really needed to terminate at that point for her mental/emotional health. I believe my sister got mixed responses, too, and so she would say that her baby passed away. No need to mention the termination; that is you and your DH's personal decision. You did what you felt was the healthy and right thing to do for you and the baby.

My DH went back to work last Friday and I spent the whole day out of the house. It really helped not to be alone all day.

TTC: I had my doctor's appointment yesterday and she told me to wait at least three months to TTC and to let her know before we decide to start trying. DH and I had already decided that six months was probably a minimum before we would consider it. I'm feeling better about that timeline. (And one practical reason for waiting is that my babies were fall/winter babies so all my maternity clothes and newborn things are for fall/winter. ;) )

Anti-depressants: Anyone go on an anti-depressant after your loss? My OB prescribed Zoloft and I'm hesitant to try it.

[Ericka_Jarett]

bluebunny - I personally didn't need any anti-depressants. If you feel you need them then take them. Some people do and others don't. Best wishes

[jennylou]

bluebunny - I did not take anything. I thought about it, but wanted to make sure that I wasn't masking my grief. It's something to work through, imo. That is not to say that your grief could not send you into a depression, but I didn't want to hastily go on anti-depressants.

[jenahdawn]

Anyone go on an anti-depressant after your loss?

Yep. Started them 2 months later. I took it up to about 28 weeks. (stopped just before the girls' first birthday so my docs could see how I did with enough time to put me back on if necessary) My docs were VERY proactive about my care from the start of the girls' pregnancy through their little sister's. (My ob, fam. doc, grief couns. were all in constant contact and knew what each other we up to at all times. Even my dentist knew what was going on.) And if people want to make fun of me for it, screw 'em.

[bluebunny]

Anti-depressants
I thought about it, but wanted to make sure that I wasn't masking my grief. It's something to work through, imo. That is not to say that your grief could not send you into a depression, but I didn't want to hastily go on anti-depressants.


See, that's what I'm thinking. I want to work through it, not mask it. OTOH, I have a friend that went on Zoloft for PPD and she said that she didn't feel as weepy and emotional, just more stable. Since I cry at the drop of a hat now, I was thinking it might be good, especially since I'll be returning to work next week.

jenahdawn, it's good to hear they helped. I think my doctor wanted to be proactive, too, especially since I cried throughout the appointment yesteday. :o The prideful part of me doesn't want to take them but the other part thinks that taking them could help me be better for my kids. I can't afford to lose any more time with them.

[amyintn]

betsyboop and bluebunny I'm so sorry for your loss. Both of you and your families are in my prayers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was 4 months yesterday that I lost my baby boy. It's been a weird 4 months. I had a friend who was also due on 11/07 with twins. About 4 weeks after my loss, they discovered she had twin to twin transfusion. She had surgery but still loss one of her babies and she finally delivered at 28 weeks. We've been grateful for having each other to cry and talk with these past few months.

Now, I'm expecting my little girl any day now. I've been having a lot of anxiety about labor and my dr says that it so soon after my last delivery that I'm probably having PTS. I'm trying to stay positive but I'm terrified of flashing back to birthing Caleb.

bluebunny I was on anti-depressants before I got pregnant, weaned off during the 1st trimester, but when I was admitted to the hospital, my DH talked to my dr about my past use and they decided to put me back on them (with my consent). I have to admit, it was the best thing for me. I didn't want to get lost in my grief, especially with still being pregnant with his twin. I'm still on Celexa and my dr wants me to stay on them after delivery because they have a real concern for postpartum for me due to the events of this pregnancy.

[jenahdawn]

bb, your friend put it much better than I could. I still cried. I still grieved. I still missed them and went through all of the stages of grief. But they took the edge off my complete anxiety. I could function where as I felt like I had no control over anything before that.

I've had more time pass than you, but, looking back, they helped me feel like I wasn't a complete freak of nature, you know?

[bluebunny]

amy, I'm praying for a healthy and safe delivery of your little girl!

jenahdawn, good to know that it wasn't just my friend. I think I'll try it; I go back in 5 weeks for my doctor to reassess and then we'll discuss where to go from there. She said she has patients on it for three months or so. I'm thinking that's a good time frame. I'm feeling so much better today but I haven't gone back to work or had to deal with running my household since we are still getting meals delivered from friends (and have several more in the freezer). I'm concerned that when all the help stops (probably next week) that I will have a hard time coping.

I thought I had to return to work today but my secretary got someone to cover for me. She's awesome!

I've made a list of all the things I want to do before we TTC again. Some things are basic, like lose the baby weight, some are fun, like take an overnight with DH, and others are practical, like move DD into a big girl bed and paint the playroom. Gives me goals, though.

[betsyboop]

bulebunny- Wow, it sounds like your sister's situation was exactly like ours. I agree, technically we made the "choice" to terminate, but there really wasn't much of a choice to make at all since the baby was probably not going to make it anyway, you know?

I guess I'm not so much in the sad stage of grieving, but more the angry stage. I just am so mad that this happened to us and our otherwise perfect life. I'm mad that there's no reason that this happened and that there's nothing I can do in future pregnancies to prevent it from happening again. It was just bad luck and it actually really pisses me off. I feel like it would be so much easier to deal with if there was a reason, even if it was my fault for eating soft cheese or having a glass of wine before I knew I was pregnant or whatever.

I was supposed to get together with a friend today, but her DS is sick so she had to cancel at the last min. This will be my first day without company since the termination. I hope I'm ready for this...

[goldengbridge]

I think of you all everyday but wanted to tell you I'm thinking of all of you today and remebering your little ones on Pregnancy and Infant Loss remeberance day!

[GlamaGal]

betsyboop- I'm glad you made it over here. As you already know, I had a "choice" to make and I felt it very unfair to be put in that position. I remember on the way home my DH immediately thought of our pastor and called him to come over and speak with us. It felt a little better to know that his position (the church's, too) was that it wasn't really a choice but an act of mercy, and, by continuing the pregnancy we would be unable to TTC again, which we very much wanted to do, and had been trying to do for quite some time. Overall, no, it didn't absolve my feelings that I had an abortion, but, I guess in my heart I do know that we made the right decision. I agree with jennylou that you should DF that LJ person. How dare she! I chose to tell only certain people IRL what actually happened. Very few. Others just know that she had a nonviable birth defect. It's amazing how some people still want to know the details. Why? To judge me? Please, these people should know I wouldn't terminate a baby that had a reasonable quality of life. Until it happens to you, you don't know that there are some things that can be so wrong with your child, that you'd have to make a choice you otherwise stood against your entire life. One of my good LJ friends told me I was taking her off of life support. And that comforts me greatly.

bluebunny- I think you asked about anti-depressants? After my DD (who took just shy of a year to conceive) I had the blues. Maybe it was even PPD, I don't know. I'd had a hard labor where my epi didn't work, and she was a colicky baby from the start, who nursed 24/7 and wouldn't take a paci. Anyhow, it was preventing me from ENJOYING her, so I took the Zoloft, which was the smallest dose (25 mg?). After angel DD, my therapy was really here and on LJ. Sure, I still battle depression about her all.the.time, but I know it's something I'm still working through and it's not preventing me from doing my daily activities (as it did in the beginning).

amyintn- I think of you all the time. I hope your DD is in your arms soon! I felt very lucky to have a good HS friend be able to support me, as she lost her first born 10 years previous to something very similar. She was a Godsend. The only person IRL who KNEW what it felt like.

[ezl247]

BetsyBoop- a sad welcome to you. How awful for someone to say hurtful things to you – shame on them. I understand about not being in the sad stage soon- I for some reason stayed in the embarrassed stage for a long time.

AmyinTN- Thanks for your update, I think of you all the time and glad to see that your baby girl is doing well and will be here any day!

Antidepressants: I never actually took them even though I wanted to. I found that after reading a few books, counseling groups and going on the SHARE website and reading other stories, I felt better. Maybe wait it out a few weeks and then if you are not able to get through your day take them- there is no shame in taking them.

As for me, I met with the doctor again to go over the final pathology and blood work. It turns out that I have the MTHFR clotting disorder. But apparently – only a minor variance- he is not sure if this caused the death. I have to meet with a hematologist and be put on aspirin regimen after I conceive. We also found out that something was wrong with my boy- one of his fingers was not forming properly- due to an amniotic ban. Again, he says a very rare thing that most likely will not happen again. I don’t know what to think- I have this clotting problem that only showed up now?! After 2 (thank g-d) successful pregnancies? And then on top of that something (albeit minor in comparison to other problems) was wrong. I am VERY upset over these results. But then I think if I did not have a clotting disorder and nothing was found wrong with him I would be upset too. UGH it is a NO WIN situation. So I am very frustrated at the moment. He gave us our blessing to try again- but I am not mentally ready for another pregnancy just yet-it has been 3 months.

I hope everyone has happy and peaceful days ahead.

[sophiapb]

Haven't been here for a while so I thought I'd swing in to see how things are going. So happy to hear about the arrival of Jenny's Joshua and Goldengbridge's happy news as well.

Unfortunately, I also saw the sad news from bluebunny and betsyboop. I'm so so sorry for both of you. My prayers are with you and your families. Bluebunny, I bawled when I read this:

We named him Joey; we thought about the name Joseph but it felt too big for a baby so small that would never grow up so we settled on Joey.

My loss was almost 3 1/2 years ago and I've really come to terms with a lot of things about it but then something like a big name for a small baby who will never grow up just makes me sob. I'm so sorry that Joey will never grow up. For you and for him. So sad and so sorry.

Betsyboop, I lost a child as well but can't fathom having to go through an act of mercy as you were required to do. My heart is clenching thinking about what you've gone through. Please take care of yourself.

[pocahontas]

Just wanted to publically acknowledge all the PMs that came my way today. It was rough because I wake up for work at 5 am and at 5:15 am a year ago my son was born. So I headed into the bathroom and remembered what I was doing a year ago at that time...it got pretty rough. But I'm making it through. Just wanted to say thank you because there were too many people to PM them all but I so appreciate every one of you and seeing all the support in my inbox was exactly what I needed today.

[jennylou]

pocahontas - I hope the rest of your day is gentle. Hugs to you, the anniversaries can be brutal.

I'm not sure if everyone here knows, but there was another late term loss in the November thread this week. :(

[GlamaGal]

Poca, I'm sorry that I did not PM you. I'm thinking of you today.

The November loss has been a heart breaker. I have them on my mind all the time. I hope she comes here when she's ready.

[jenahdawn]

Poca, Angelversaries are so hard! I hope today was gentle on you and that tomorrow is, too.

Hoping Heather is doing as best as she can...

[heather1029]

Hi everyone.

I just wrote out a whole intro to me and how I'm feeling, but the internet ate it, so I guess it wasn't meant to be. I guess I'll just post my husband's eulogy for our daughter as my intro now.

***
On Tuesday, November 4, 2008 at 11:40am, Grace Evangeline Young was born. Her umbilical cord was wrapped three times around her leg cutting off oxygen to the rest of her body—causing her heart to stop beating. Heather felt her regular playful kicks all Sunday evening. On Monday morning, Heather went through her regular routine of preparing breakfast for them and stopping to tell Grace that she loved her. That morning, Grace did not respond with her usual kick. We had our scheduled doctor visit that morning and they couldn't find Grace's heartbeat or see it fluttering on the ultrasound. Grace was induced at the hospital and delivered 24 hours later.

It is imperative to us that you all know Grace. Grace came to us 2 weeks early as a seven pound baby, twenty-one inches long. She had her mother's feet, already measuring over three inches and primed to play piano with her toes. Her hands are long and angelic, like her mother's. She has her father's large bottom lip and meaty earlobes. She has long thick locks of blond hair. She is adorable. The most perfect baby you have ever seen. In the womb, Grace loved music. As soon it came on, her rump would instantly start moving to the beat. Completely opposite her daddy, Grace has rhythm. She loved going into church and hearing the worship music. Like her dad, Grace is a morning person; she woke her mother up every morning. Grace is very active, she was active very early. Heather felt her kicking at just sixteen weeks. She is more beautiful than we could have ever imagined.

Right now, everything reminds us of Grace. We are doing our very best to welcome it. We want to remember everything about her. We are desperately trying not to be consumed by the tragedy that so quickly ended her life, but to remember her life and the joy she brought to everyone all nine months of it. We praise God for those nine months with our child! We wanted more time, we wanted to see her smile, we wanted her to stare at us with her big blue eyes, we wanted her to hug us back, we wanted to see her kneel down at her bed and pray to God, we wanted to hear her sing in front of church, we wanted to watch her walk down the aisle at her wedding. We were just given nine months and we are going to cherish and honor every millisecond that we were blessed with.

On November 4th, I saw strength in my wife that could only come from God. With Heather's strong faith and so many people praying for us, she made it through the unimaginable. Heather endured the pains of labor to deliver a child that she knew would not cry when she came outside her womb. Heather held Grace adoringly—telling everyone that her daughter is so adorable, that Grace is perfect. Heather is a mom, which is everything God designed her to be. Her daughter, Grace, LIVES in heaven. Grace's brothers and sisters will understand heaven a lot more easily as the place they will see their Savior and their big sister.

We have received an overwhelming amount of correspondences and massive amounts of prayer. Thank you. It is a blessing to have you all supporting us. Everyone is asking how they can help. There is one thing every one of you can do. You can honor Grace. Honor her by calling and visiting every loved one you have. Hug them, tell them that you love them. Life is so fragile. We let it slip by every day—taking it for granted. Grace has brought so much joy into our lives, recognize the joy in yours.

***

I have a question for you ladies. My husband goes back to work next Monday and I'm terrified of being home alone with this grief. I work as a freelance graphic designer, but for the past few months, I've been phasing out my clients and telling them that I won't be available for projects until January. There is absolutely NOTHING on my plate, and I have NOTHING to look forward to -- everything I've been thinking about for a full year is BABY! So, I'm considering getting a part-time job, just to get away from my thoughts for a few hours a day. My question: how soon do you think it would be healthy for me to work and be on my feet? I was thinking of doing something mindless and definitely involving people--retail clothes or stationery store or something.

My bleeding is slowing down, and I feel like I'm healing pretty well from my tear. Milk has come in and won't seem to stop, but I think I can work through that.

[jennylou]

Oh heather, my heart breaks for you. You are a mom.

I'd probably advise against doing any retail. About a month and a half after going back to work, we had the county fair. Being a county dept, we had to man our table. There were only five of us in the dept - so, we had to work many hours there. The babies - well, they made me want MY baby. If you don't need the money, I'd try some volunteer work where you'd be around other people but not necessarily the crazy retail environment for Christmas.

A sad welcome to our group. We hate welcoming new members because of what it means, but we welcome you with open arms.

[GlamaGal]

Hi, Heather. I'm so sorry for your loss. Not a day has went by I haven't thought of you. And, I'm sure everyone else in here has done same. I really asked my OB a lot of questions about this type of thing because I felt like, she should know. She was my only other source (besides here) who interfaced with women with experiences like mine. I do think a job like you've mentioned would be good for you eventually. Everyone is different. For me, I don't think I'd have gotten out of bed for weeks had I not had a job (to take care of DD). Really, staying in bed was my "safe place". I avoided all usual outings like the plague, hoping to not run in to anyone I knew. So maybe a job like that would be great to wean you back into some sort of normalcy (for lack of better term). But I wouldn't rush it. I wanted to add I'm still praying for you. Many ((HUGS)).

[pocahontas]

Hi Heather...I wanted to welcome you to the group. Your DH's eulogy is the most beautiful thing. It reminds me of what my DH wrote on our son's website last year at this time. My son's first birthday would have been last Friday, 3 days after your daughter was born. For whatever reason there are MANY of us in this thread as I found out last year who have lost our little ones in November. Please know that I (as I'm sure the rest of the ladies will say as well) am just a PM away if you need anything. The loss of my first born and only child was a miserable time and I completely understand everything you are feeling. Take care of yourself and your DH right now.

[goldengbridge]

Heather- The eulogy is beautiful! I am so very sorry for your loss. We welcome you with open arms. Please let us know if you need anything. We are always sad to welcome new members but we're here for you anytime!

[amyintn]

Heather I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Grace. The eulogy is beautiful. Although I was on bed rest after the loss of my son, towards the end of my pregnancy with his twin, I looked into doing volunteer work at the Humane Society. I don't know if I could have done retail but everybody is different.

[jenahdawn]

Heather, I'm so sorry.

I know I couldn't have done retail...too many babies and pregnant people.

But I did do mindless filing and mailings for my husband's comapny for about 5 months. His (at the time) supervisor went to his wife (in HR) and made a job for me, without my husband asking. They needed help. I needed something to do that I didn't HAVE to have contact with people if I didn't want to. (I could cry and file all I wanted, or I could go around to everyone else and help them)

Maybe talking to a temp agency? Tell them you aren't looking for temp to hire.

[ezl247]

Oh Heather, I am so sorry that you had to join our sad little group. I am so so sorry for the loss of your daughter Grace. I remember you from when I was lurking on the Nov. thread- because I was due in early Dec. and I too was having early Braxton hicks so I was paying close attention to that thread. Your husbands eulogy to is beautiful, I cried reading it.

For me, I would not be able to do retail- it is hard for me to deal with the public. I was paranoid that I would run into people asking what happened and other questions. Home and my workplace with a closed door was the best for me the first few months. I wanted to be left alone. Everyone is different- but seeing people with new babies, pregnant women are still VERY difficult (I lost my baby in July @ 16 weeks).

I wish you peace and strength in the days ahead. Everyone told me to take it one day at a time and eventually you will come to realize what that means.

[bluebunny]

Heather, I am so sorry for your loss of beautiful Grace. I pray that God will give you peace and comfort.

I, personally, would have a hard time working retail. I second (or third) the idea of volunteering or temping somewhere that public contact could be limited.

[betsyboop]

Heather, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl.

I'll be the dissenter, but I think working retail would be fine. Especially at this time of year, it'll definitely keep you busy so your mind will be off of all of the sadness I'm sure you're feeling right now. I know for me, I actually like seeing pregnant women and tiny babies- it makes me happy to see that healthy babies are born all the time and that what happened to me is not that common, so my next pregnancy is more than likely going to work out just fine.

[off2skl]

A sad welcome Heather and I am sorry for the loss of your daughter.

I personally wouldn't work retail, especially during the holidays. I found after my loss that I did not handle stress nearly as well for a while. Retail can be stressful, especially around the holidays (and so can any new experience for that matter).

Do you have friends/family that you could make plans with during this time? I know I went to my mom's a lot and several friends arranged to take me to lunch on various days to get me out of the house.

[Kimmiebride]

Hi ladies,
So sad to hear about the new angel babies lost... I am coming up on my 3rd anniversary of my little Robert's passing, and things are better and worse all at the same time...

My friends lost their son, Dylan, at the end of their pregnancy too, and they held an open house last weekend to honor him. They showed the beautiful images of them with Dylan from their Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer, and we all just sobbed.

I am really tired this week... working way too hard on holiday photo sessions and orders. Josh is napping right now, and I am about to go join him. Sometimes you just have to take care of yourself, right?
hugs and prayers to all of you,
Kimmie

[GlamaGal]

Wanted to drop off some good news. My rainbow baby, Grayson, was born 11.20.08 at 9:01 a.m. He was 8 lb. 10 oz. and 21 in.

I couldn't have imagined the sweet relief of a healthy baby boy Thursday morning. That night in bed, I realized only he could heal my heart. I am so in love and he is such a good baby.

[pocahontas]

GLAMA! That is awesome news...CONGRATS!

[goldengbridge]

Congrats GlamaGal and welcome to the world Grayson!

[ezl247]

Congrats Glamma and welcome Grayson! Yay!! I am so so happy for you!

[jenahdawn]

Welcome, Grayson! (I'm glad he has a name now!!!) I didn't post earlier, but I've been smiling and I told DH right away and he is so relieved for you!

[bluebunny]

Congrats Glamagal!

Well, I was plugging right along, thinking I was doing so well...I found out today that yet another friend is pregnant. That makes FIVE, four since my son passed away. It's hard. :(

[betsyboop]

Congrats, Glamagal!!

Bluebunny- I'm right there with you. SIL just announced that she is expecting. She's about 9 weeks along right now, so it would seem that she conceived at the exact same time my pregnancy ended. That one has really been bothering me a lot lately...

[jenahdawn]

To the "new" folks, I (barely, as I was still in a depressed fog) remember how hard this coming week was, as it was the start of everyone else feeling so damned festive. Remember, there are those of us who have been there, are MORE than willing to listen, and we are thinking of you AND your babies. It's not easy to sit around that table and hear someone make a comment about how they are thankful the whole family is there when you are screaming on the inside, "NO, THEY ARE NOT!"

(We're doing T-day back where we were when we lost the girls....can't WAIT for the stupid comments...*sigh*)

[GlamaGal]

I second Jenah. I know I vented A LOT here. When I lost my baby, 7 others were due at the same time. It was so, so hard to be around all those babies (and those baby showers). And we battled some infertility as well, so I felt like we were getting kicked in the gut on all sides. It's very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're waiting to TTC or actively TTC.

Last year during Tday I had just gotten the bad AFP results, couldn't get a Level II u/s until after Tday and DH was out of town with a very sick hospitalized father. What a difference this year is. But yet it feels like only a few months ago.

[ezl247]

Bluebunny and Betsy- I too am having a very difficult time. Everyone else around me is pregnant or just had a baby. I have other people (who I guess did not know) asking when I will have another child. I am very sad and am crying a lot more than usual, I was supposed to be very pregnant or even had a little one by now. I am too scared to try again.

For those of you that had a rainbow- how could get up enough courage to try again? I dont want this to happen again, I would not be able to take another loss. What did you say to yourself?

Thanks Glamma and Jenna for your support.

[jennylou]

betsy - bil and sil got pregnant right around the time we had Andrew/he died. They announced they were pregnant a few weeks later. Sucky, sucky timing.

glama - congrats on grayson!

ez - For us the decision came easily, though I know that's not the case for everyone. Ultimately, though we were fearful, our desire for a child to love and raise was bigger than our fear.

Thinking of all the newbies here, going through their first holiday season without their babies. Also thinking about us old timers, I know we all still think of our babies too, especially during the holiday season. So, a question of sorts, what do you do to honor your angel babies during this time of year?

We have an ornament for Andrew. I've also been toying with the idea of doing the angel tree - but picking out a little boy who is 3.5, as that's how old Andrew would be.

[goldengbridge]

I thinking of you all. Right after I lost Jacob I just had this strong urge to try again. I was scared to death but I just knew I had to be strong and muster all the courage I had. I was scared every single day that I was pregnant with Ashlyn. At my 20 week u/s with Ash, the Peri said that I should feel relieved that I had passed the point where I lost Jacob but that wasn't the case. I worried every single day until I was holding her in my arms and I knew she was ok.

I'm almost 22 weeks pg this time and thankfully all of the tests have come back great but I still worry. I feel a tiny bit calmer this time around but I still worry and get scared and I know that won't go away until I'm holding him in my arms. We also found out that we're having a BOY! I got the comment "God took away one boy and now you get another one." Which I was highly insulted because there is no way that Jacob could be replaced. I'm thrilled to be having another son but it won't replace the one I lost.

[jenahdawn]

how could get up enough courage to try again?

Like jennylou, there was no question we were going to try again. But when it came down to it, it was all fear, journaling, fear, reading (I like "Pregnancy After a Loss"), fear, going to our support group, fear, having a great doctor, and did I mention fear?

I white knuckled that whole second pregnancy.

[GlamaGal]

For those of you that had a rainbow- how could get up enough courage to try again? I dont want this to happen again, I would not be able to take another loss. What did you say to yourself?

My family wasn't yet complete. For me, the urge to try again was strong. I was scared (very) but more scared of not having more kids. I will say back-to-back pregnancies was hard on me emotionally and physically. Each pregnancy I get sicker and sicker.

[GlamaGal]

In the holiday spirit, I wanted to add I am very thankful for you ladies. You were a major part of my emotional recovery.

[Ericka_Jarett]

I knew I wanted another baby, not to replace Rebekah, but it's always what I wanted, the urge was so strong. My peri watched me like a hawk, literally. I had an appt every 2 weeks with him and every 2 weeks with my OB (so every week I saw a doctor) He told me one day when I was at 22 weeks. We are going to get you past and way beyond where you lost your 1st child (24 weeks).


For the Holidays, I will be placing a wreath at Rebekah's grave and we have an ornament for her as well, it's not a First Christmas, so we can leave it out all year round.

[goldengbridge]

I will put a grave blanket on Jacob's grave and the last 2 years I decorated the blanket with oranments. It came out really pretty. We also have one for the tree. I also have one that hangs in our living room all year long as well as an angel sun catcher that hangs in our front window.

[sophiapb]

I was scared to death but I just knew I had to be strong and muster all the courage I had. I was scared every single day that I was pregnant with Ashlyn. At my 20 week u/s with Ash, the Peri said that I should feel relieved that I had passed the point where I lost Jacob but that wasn't the case. I worried every single day until I was holding her in my arms and I knew she was ok.

My family wasn't yet complete. For me, the urge to try again was strong. I was scared (very) but more scared of not having more kids.

Both of these quotes match exactly what I went through, both with my decision for more children as well as the process of the entire second pregnancy. As many of you will remember, with my second pregnancy, hubby and I didn't tell anyone that it was another set of twins. I was as huge as a house and don't know who I thought I was fooling (well, basically just hubby and I!) but I just couldn't bear the thought of possibly announcing another death. Totally stupid since if anything had happened, of course we would have told people and celebrated and loved our child/children if she/they had passed. But it was all too similiar to what we had already gone through less then a year earlier and we just couldn't deal with it so we didn't. If I could have hidden the entire pregnancy and just made an announcement when the babies arrived, I would have. One of the things that helped get me through the second pregnancy was the idea that I had already taken a bullet once, chances were pretty good that everything would be okay this time. :o

[E&O]

Hello all. I am not a mother who lost a child, but we did have a passing in our family over the holidays. My cousins' 5 month old son passed away from a stroke (he had recently had a heart surgery). The funeral services are on Thursday.

I was reading this thread to get some idea of what to do/say and what NOT to do/say around the family. And from reading your posts, I really want to be a person who is there for the mother once everyone else kind of fades away.

I have a 7 month old son, and we were pregnant at the same time and talked about how the boys would grow up together. I want to be cautious of not talking to her too much about how much son is growing and developing.

But I guess my stupid question is.... what do I talk to her about? She's not back at work, she's not watching TV/reading books/going to movies/keeping up with celebrity gossip. I'd feel ridiculous babbeling on about these assanine things. Any advice onhow I can be a better friend for her?

[jennylou]

E&O - when my sister came to visit after Andrew died, she brought me a bunch of silly videos/DVDs that she knew were funny/lighthearted. She also brought me a bunch of magazines - house decorating type ones, as well as celebrity gossip. I actually started paying more attention to celebrity gossip after Andrew died and still kind of keep up with it. :o It was nice to have something to read/watch that I wasn't going to be surprised while watching - whereas, with tv - you just never know what you're going to get. Soaps, sitcoms, dramas, they all seemed to think they could handle a storyline involving the death of a child/baby - heck, they still do and it still burns me up when it's not mentioned anymore.

As for what to talk to her about, ask her what she'd like to talk about - let her take the lead. Do you live close by? Maybe you and her could take some sort of class together? JoAnn's and Michael's both offer classes, but if neither of you are crafty, look for something else that you could do together once a week - that might just be a coffee and dessert night together.

[Astro]

E&O I actually appreciated hearing about "normal" life from my friends. The only thing that hurt is when they talked about their children that were would have been about the same age as our sons. I agree with letting her take the lead, but don't be afraid about talking about movies you saw or things you did. Sometimes it's good to hear that the entire world didn't end.

[pocahontas]

Hi ladies...question for you. A friend and I lost our babies 6 weeks apart. We both were due with boys 3 weeks apart (her Feb. 1, me Feb. 23) and they were both our first and only children. (It is eerie because we went and had pregnancy massages together and we both still have a picture of us together, pregnant at a get-together for another message board we are on.) We like to think that our sons knew each other from these events when they were in our bellies and are playing together in heaven. :) Anyway, I'd like to find a Christmas ornament for her that is symbolic of her little boy. (We are doing a gift exchange with some friends). Anyone have any suggestions on a place where I can find something to commemorate what we've been through? I figured this would be the first place (well, MAIN place) I'd ask because you girls "get it" and understand what might be nice for her and in fact may have an ornament on your tree that serves the memory of your little one also. I just haven't the faintest idea where I would go for such a thing. I'm thinking if they have "memorial" type websites, surely there have to be ornaments for such tributes. Any ideas?

[jenahdawn]

Google "First Christmas in Heaven" ornament. (the only reason I say to google it is because you can get the same one from so many places, I don't want to steer you one or the other.)
(It's not "first Christmas" specific, so you don't have to worry about that.)

[jennylou]

Yep, that's the one we have.

[jenahdawn]

I actually DON'T have it! I know! It feels like I have a billion angel ornaments, yet I want more, but I don't have THAT one!

[pocahontas]

Thanks guys!

[goldengbridge]

I just wanted to pop in and wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! I think of you all often and hope for peace for all of you!

[ezl247]

Thanks Golden. My due date just passed and I am not doing well.
Praying for a better 2009. Happy Hoildays to all.

[jenahdawn]

This year is just not cool.

Two years ago, we were numb. Last year, with her being 5 weeks, we were too tired to know what day it really was, but THIS year, we are experiencing all of those emotions that have been put off for 2 years.

This sucks.

[Kimmiebride]

Yeah, not so great here either... my brother and his wife were going to announce today that they were pregnant, but she miscarried last week at 7 weeks. They are doing pretty well considering. Take care ladies, I am thinking of all of you!!
love,
Kimmie

[amygrrl]

not doing great either... christmas day 2004 was when we found out we were pregnant with avery. i did this for dan for christmas...

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/12/avery-elizabeth.html

[Ericka_Jarett]

amy - thanks for posting that page, I will re-visit it again in January to get Rebekah's name done.

It's so sad to see how many names they have written in the sand already since they started. I just sat here crying seeing the names as I scrolled down the page.
-------------------------------------
Our twin mom from the club has her special miracle bay boy at home with her now, it's been tough for them as he is on a feeding tube and can't leave home without a ton of medical equipment going with them. She posted last night that they are having a hard time dealing with their emotions. They love Jack and are so blessed to have him home, but at the same time missing Lilly. I know we all understand how that is when we have rainbow babies at home and are missing our other children.

I had a little emotional day inside of me yesterday. I was thinking of Rebekah as I watched the kids all play with their new toys and also was thinking about my dad, how he would have loved to be here watching the kids and even getting on the floor playing with them. Christmases from the past were flooding back to me, when my Uncle and grandmothers (all are passed away now) would come over and spend the day with us. I miss those days and now that I am older, I wish I could bring those days back. One way I wish didn't have to change, that we could keep the events going year after year without change, never having to miss that loved one because they were there in body with us.

Well I am rambling. Hope everyone has a peaceful week. I think of you all often. I just picture our little ones up in Heaven playing together and how they were all looking down yesterday at all of us. As the blogger that Amy posted says, she dreamt that her son and his friends had written their names in the sand. Our little ones are playing on the beach doing the same thing. :)

[jenahdawn]

We printed our pictures and put them in frames for grandmas and grandpas this year. (If you search for "Chloe" you will find them)

Ericka, Rebekah and your dad (and everyone else) were spending Christmas, playing with her super cool toys, together.

[LDS Angel 19]

I had one of those done too... http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/11/allison-grace-kyser.html

I haven't gotten a chance to post, but we had another loss in our family. My SIL lost thier little boy, Sam, at 17 weeks back in November. Her water broke and she went into labor. They are in Japan with the Air Force and it took them 3 weeks to get back here to have him put to rest. It was (is) a rough time for the whole family.
I was thinking a lot of all of you ladies yesterday. It sucks so hard to know we're all part of this horrible club. My poor BIL and SIL... it's all just so sad.

[pocahontas]

not doing great either... christmas day 2004 was when we found out we were pregnant with avery. i did this for dan for christmas...

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/12/avery-elizabeth.html

Oh I love this idea! Is there a cost associated with it?

[Ericka_Jarett]

pocahontas - I believe it's free, didn't see a cost on their site at all. They just take a digital picture of your baby's name written into the sand and then they post it to their site and you have to keep looking for it, since they get so many requests they can't reply to everyone.

They are done for 2008, will restart back on the 12th of January the site says.

[jenahdawn]

Poca, i's free!

I think it took 3 weeks for them to post it for me, so it takes a bit of time, but is beyond worth it!

Because everyone else is posting their link:

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/10/katie-and-chloe.html

[amygrrl]

yup... i know i got the idea from one of you girls who's on LJ with me.. just can't remember who (old age showing here)

[Ericka_Jarett]

Hi ladies,

Happy New Year to all of you.

Jarett did a NILMDTS photo session for a couple that gave birth to a snowflake baby (was a frozen embryo that they adopted) this morning. The baby girl was 5lbs 8oz and was still alive at the time that Jarett left the hospital. Her big sister (who is a few months old as well) was there. (the sister was adopted 4 months ago) She was diagnosed with only half her skull forming and so the family knew that once she delivered her time would be short. She was in the low 30 weeks gestation and was actually born at the same hospital I had the twins, by one of the doctors that I saw with my pregnancy. The staff wrapped her head up and the family got to hold her and do the session so they have precious memories of little Grace Elizabeth (Jarett said that with the name thing (it's our twins middle names), he was the right one for the session the parents said) So keep that family in prayer as the mom had a c-section and also has the baby to care for and grieve too.

[Ericka_Jarett]

update on my above post. Jarett apparently just talked to the father, he said that Grace Elizabeth was alive from 8am until 6pm. They got to spend 10 precious hours with her before she passed. I think that was awesome, every minute I got with Rebekah was precious as I am sure you all felt the same way. I had my baby girl alive for 71 mins before she passed. Grace was the 13th attempt to get pregnant, so although they knew she wouldn't live in the end, to carry as long as they did was a blessing to that little snowflake baby.

I got to view the slideshow last night and cried a river, knowing that the inevitable was going to happen and these parents were going to join the group no one ever wants to join.

[jenahdawn]

Yesterday was our 36 week goal.

Don't know how I feel about it. Was just in a kind of funk all day.

[betsyboop]

Ugh, my due date should have been exactly one month from today. It's weird to think that I should be all huge and uncomfortable right now and instead I'm on a diet and about to leave for a ski weekend. The closer the due date comes, the sadder I get. The thing that is really bothering me the most is that I was apparently put on some kind of mailing list when I was pregnant (I'm assuing my Dr must have given out my info or something??). The companies seem to know that I'm supposed to be due soon and now I'm getting all kinds of stuff in the mail for newborns- free mini-canisters of formula, a tiny packet of newborn diapers, coupons for all kinds of random stuff for newborns, etc. Every time I get one in the mail, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

I don't know what my point is in posting this, but I just wanted to get it off my chest since I really don't like to talk about it too much IRL.

[Ericka_Jarett]

betsy - so sorry for all the things. I remember when they came in the mail with Rebekah, the formula I passed along to others, the diapers and odd things like that I packed away for my someday other children. I immediately would contact every company and asked they take me off their mailing list as their items were upsetting to receive as I lost my baby. They would write to apologize and let me know they took me off the list and hoped that I would remember them at another time.

[Kimmiebride]

ugh, Besty, that stinks... I had the hardest time with Target. They wouldn't de-activate my registry, and kept sending me reminders. It was awful. I was crying on the phone to them, and they couldn't get it straight. I still get coupons based on Robert's age... I hope you have fun on your ski weekend. I am sure that feels weird, but it's good to do things you enjoy. We went to Tahoe the week of Robert's due date, and while we don't ski, it did snow and snow that weekend. Felt nice to not be at home actually.
Kimmie

[GlamaGal]

Betsy, I so remember that. Even this Christmas I got a shock when I opened the mail from the funeral home (seriously, like I look forward to them mailing me anything?) and found an ornament with Baby Ourlastname on it. My heart just sunk. I hope you can enjoy your weekend. I'll be thinking of you.


My DH wants to be done having kids. He says it's because of his age (he's 12 yr. older), but I know it's because he doesn't want to go through all of the tests again. I hope that after our son is a year old, and we've gotten to do some fun couple things, that he'll change his mind. I know it was hard on me, him, and our family to have me pregnant for so many months with how sick I felt. It's not set in stone, but it still bugs me that he's feeling this way when he knows I've had my heart set on three living children. Anyone else go through this with their DH?

[bluebunny]

Wanted to post because I have no one to talk to right now IRL and I'm feeling down. Just found out another friend is pregnant, halfway thru the pregnancy (high school friend, found out via facebook). That makes seven (or eight??) friends who have announced pregnancies since I lost Joey. :(

Ugh. This is so hard. I have been feeling much better the past few weeks but I'm starting to get really down. Maybe it's because I was due at the end of this month. Maybe it's because I keep finding out about pregnancies!!!!! Ahhhh.

Anyway, I had thought we might be ready to TTC again but I'm on the fence now. I don't know whether I can ever handle another pregnancy again. :(

[ezl247]

bluebunny: I am in the same boat as you. MY EDD was in Dec. and many of my friends are pregnant or have just given birth. It is so hard and I try to avoid them.
I too am afraid of another loss and too scared to try again. However, at the same time, I look at the months that have passed (my loss was in early July) and I can’t believe I have not tried to get pregnant again - my clock is a ticking time bomb. I feel like I am wasting my eggs. But when the time comes to DTD I freak out. Crazy right?

It makes me hurt all over again when I hear someone has had a third child. Literally, I get knot in my stomach. I feel bad feeling this, I want to be happy for my friends. I also for some odd reason still feel embarrassed. I feel that others are saying poor her and talking about me. And looking at my stomach too see if I am pregnant again.

Anyway enough about me. I am sorry that you are going through this you are not alone in your thoughts.

[jenahdawn]

Pregnancy After a Loss (http://www.amazon.com/Pregnancy-After-Loss-Miscarriage-Stillbirth/dp/0425170470/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1234469717&sr=8-1) helped me enormously. Note, it didn't make it easy or make everything go away, but it helped reading other people's stories and knowing I wasn't alone.

[E&O]

This group helped me a great deal last year when my cousin and his wife lost their 5 month old son, with how to be supportive and how to help his mom focus on other things for a while.

I hope you don't mind if I use you for advice once again. Josh's birthday is coming up and I wonder how to handle this. I want them to know that we recognize his birthday and want to remember this special day. But I wondered about taking something to his burial site. Part of me feels like this would be even harder for the parents. Having to gather up birthday momentos, take them home and decide whether to save them or throw them away. Having to look at reminders of a birthday that their son can't celebrate. I guess I'm just looking for a way to remember Josh without making things harder for his parents.

Maybe another option would be to make another donation to the Ronald McDonald House where they stayed while he was int he hospital. But I was hoping to do something more personal. I don't know....

[jenahdawn]

Having to look at reminders of a birthday that their son can't celebrate. I guess I'm just looking for a way to remember Josh without making things harder for his parents.


This reminds me of what our group leader says, when people say, "I don't want to make you cry!" She says, "We'll be crying anyway, don't worry about that!"

Acknowledgement is key. Maybe ask them what they plan on doing? I can promise you they have been thinking of how they will handle it and what they are going to do for a while now. You can maybe help them with an idea? (From our local group, we got the idea to do angel food cake for their birthdays.) If they want to do a party, be supportive about it and ask if you can help with anything? THOSE are the things that mean more to me.

[betsyboop]

bluebunny- Sounds like we're in similar boats right now- due dates rapidly approaching, lots of pregnant friends, not sure when to ttc again... I just try to keep busy and not think about it too much.

I actually am starting to panic a bit about something- I have 2 close mom friends who I get together with every week with our toddlers. One of them is due 10 days after I was supposed to be due. It has been hard to see her go through the rest of her pregnancy, obviously. But it also just came up that her first born came 10 days before his due date. I am literally PANICKING that the baby that she's now pregnant with will be born on my should-be due date. I mean, it's going to be hard enough to see this baby each week who is the same age and my baby should be, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it if its birthday is March 6th. :(

[jenahdawn]

our due date is today.

Trying not to think about it. Not doing so well at that...

[GlamaGal]

Thinking of you, Jenah.

[betsyboop]

I hope you made it through the day ok, Jenah:(

[off2skl]

Sorry jenah. I hope the day passed peacefully for you.

[mamax2]

I know I don't technically belong here, since my loss is prior to 20 weeks and therefore a miscarriage, but I still need some advice. I learned yesterday at a routine prenatal exam that my baby no longer has a HB. I'm 14w 1d. They believe the baby just died within the past day and my practice/hospital won't perform a D&E in the 2nd trimester. They set me up for an induction this morning which I spent all last night coming to grips with... seeing the baby, naming it, etc. I called for my induction time at 6am and the nurse told me they are 'reconsidering' my case and might choose to refer me to a maternal/fetal hospital (about 2.5 hours away) as an induction could take 3-4 days in the hospital :eek: I had NO idea it could take that long. I couldn't stand being in the hospital L&D for 3-4 days going through this, but I also don't want to think of this whole and complete baby being taken from me while I'm asleep. If any of you can share your induction experiences, it would really help me to make this gut-wrenching decision.

[jennylou]

jenah - I hope the day was gentle for you.

mamax - First, I'm sorry for your loss. Is this a local hospital that you are familiar with? I would think that I would rather be close to home, close to family and close to my other kids while being induced, especially since it might take awhile.

[ezl247]

MaxMax-
I am so sorry for your loss, I pm/emailed you yesterday, I hope you got it.

My experience was similar to yours. I wanted to have an D&E but was not able to get one done for various resons. I ended up getting an induction with cytotec- it took at 12hours in a controlled hospital setting. I did not need an epidural (as I already had 2 living kids) but choose a morphine drip. I think since you have already had kids- it will take less time than 3-4 days. The doctor that delivered me also said since I had already been through delivery it would not take that long.

Please make sure that when the baby is delivered that they sonogram your uterus throughly to make sure that there is not retained product/placenta. Sometimes when the placenta is young, it does not come out in tact and fragments remin in your uterus which will cause prolonged bleeding and you may wind up with a D&C afterwards. I heard that in 50% of the time a D&C is needed. Thankfully, I did not have to have one and I hope that you dont also. We are from the same state so please please email me if you need any refferals or a person to chat to. Good luck! And again i am so sorry.

[mamax2]

Thank you Jenny & Ezl (yes, I did get your PM & e-mail, thanks for reaching out to me).

After 3 hours of phone calls and consults back and forth this morning, I've decided to go ahead w/the D&E tomorrow. My Drs still felt that since I was so early in the 2nd trimester, the induction could take a few days and the potential for needing a follow-up D&E was there as well (as EZL mentioned). My hospital/Dr is still over 1 hour away so it's not like it's local either. I'd still be away from my kids/DH (some) for several days (potentially). At this point, I'm just trying to figure out how to wait out the next day/night. I wish they could have booked me today. The waiting is awful.

ETA... the new Dr's office just called and they want to do the D&E in the office - no sedation, anesthesia, etc. If I want them to do it in the hospital, it may not be until next week, possibly Friday, but the person who schedules won't be in until this afternoon. Why does this have to go from bad to worse?

[GlamaGal]

mamax2- I'm so sorry for your loss. I could have been induced but chose the D&E. Since I'd already had a child, there wasn't as much worry about making sure I was dilated, etc. ((HUGS)) I'll be thinking of you.

ETA (we x-posted): in their office? Oh, I wouldn't do that if you can avoid it. Are you sure they're not talking about the dilation for the day prior to the D&E? I did that part at my OB's office.

[ezl247]

MaxMax- They want to do the first part in the office right? Laminary insert to soften the cervix. The actual procedure should be done in a hospital and requires general anesthesia. If they want to do the procedure in the office- I would strongly advise against that. Also - make sure the surgeon performing the D&E is skilled and has done several before- get his name. I am assuming that you are going to Baltimore to have it done? I found in MD there are really only 2 qualified doctors to do the procedure - I choose to go with the DC doctor. PM me if you need names. From what I was told, D&E requires a very very skilled surgeon. Good luck, I chose the D&E route too, but unfortunately I was not able to have it done.

[wine_o_girlie]

Mama,

I am so sorry for your devastating loss. I agree with everyone else that I would most definitely not go with the in-office D&E, honestly I have never heard of such a thing. I don't want to go into details but the "process" is a 2 day process and the first part could definitely be done at a doctor's office but not the second part, you need to be in a hospital with anesthesia available. We are in basically the same geographical region and your options are much, much, much better to come to Baltimore even though it's a pain in the butt. I have a friend who needed a D&E at 14 weeks and both procedures were done in the Baltimore area, at GBMC. I would not trust this procedure to a doctor's office. You can definitely PM me if you have more questions. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and I really hope something can be worked out for you soon, the waiting must be agonizing.

[jenahdawn]

Yeah, red flags everywhere.

My induction was with my rainbow (took 27 1/2 hours from start to birth), so I can't help you. But I do know that, with the girls (went into spontaneous labor), 4 days later, I was having problems and they thought I may have had to have a d&e or d&c (I don't remember which) which just felt like insult to injury.

Have they said there was a possibility you'd go into spontaneous labor before next week? Why wouldn't there be anything until next week? I'd be making some phone calls...

I'm so sorry.

[almostthere]

Mamax2,

I am so sorry for this loss, the dating makes it so difficult. I echo though what wine o girlie said. I too am in Baltimore, please consider coming to GBMC - I can even recomend my doc (I had multiple miscarriages (and D & C) and very difficult ovarian surgery with him). Please think this through - it is not an in office procedure.

Sarah

[mamax2]

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I haven't been online all day - basically just phone calls back and forth to the hospital/various Drs & MW. I am in MD, but on the Eastern Shore, so GBMC is out of my referral network and even further away for me. My Drs, MWs and hospital are all in Delaware actually.

The in-office D&E wasn't sitting too well with me either and when I told my MW about the phone experience she seemed pretty appalled. That office wanted me to prep myself w/Cytotec at home and then come in. I told her my MW & Dr that I'm sure they weren't sending me to a back-alley clinic, but I certainly felt like it.

She called me back shortly thereafter and had consulted w/2 of the senior physicians/surgeons in my practice (not my usual drs) and they reviewed my case and offered me an in-hospital D&E tomorrow morning. Both Drs will handle my surgery and it'll be in the hospital where DD2 was born and where I went for my previous m/c. They said if I was 2 weeks further along they wouldn't even consider the D&E and I'd have to induce, but the felt like because I was so early in the 2nd trimester, induction may take a while and they would probably end up also doing a D&E for the placenta.

So, that's my long-winded answer, I report to the hospital at 5:45 am and I have mixed feelings, but I feel at peace with this route (but certainly not the situation, of course).

[betsyboop]

mamax2- I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't feel like you don't belong here- I wasn't 20w along at my loss either. I'm glad you are able to get your D&E sooner rather than later and that it won't be in a Dr office w/o sedation:eek: Honestly, I wish they offered sedation for the laminaria insertion since it was so outrageously painful, so I can imagine the part they actually do sedate you for is even worse.

I'm not sure why they told you that you couldn't have a D&E if you were even 2 weeks further along though- I had mine at 18w and the clinic I went to offered them up to 22w (though if you were 18w1d or further along, you had to have 2 days of laminaria instead of just 1:eek: ). But that's neither here nor there, I suppose.

[Kelly's Girl]

I am looking to help a friend, and if this is the wrong place, please tell me and I'll post this somewhere else. I am sorry for everyone's loss, and this situation is rather different, which is why I hesitate to put it here. (And please, this is very difficult, so read with caution and empathy if possible.)

Someone opened up to me (and not very many other people) that the loss of her child at 18 weeks was not spontaneous. The amnio revealed that the child had indeterminate sex organs (ie, a hermaphrodite) and a necessary medical termination of the pregnancy resulted. She feels horrible guilt, both in the diagnosis of the child and the result, and I wanted to try to give her some direction, if possible, to help. Do you think the books mentioned here would be a good suggestion? Thank you.

ETA: MamaX2, you are in my thoughts this morning.

[jennylou]

kelly'sgirl - we have others here who have terminated after finding out about a condition at an u/s or amnio. I can imagine the guilt she might feel, but I'm sure some of the books will touch on her situation. I'm sure others will respond with specific book recommendations. One website that I found helpful (and had all sorts of loss situations) is SHARE.

[Kelly's Girl]

Thank you so much, Jennylou. I knew this board was understanding, but I didn't know everyone's history and didn't want to step on anyone's toes. I appreciate the help.

[GlamaGal]

mamax2- I hope you're doing well.

[mamax2]

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and prayers, as always, they are a great source of strength.

Long story short, I ended up on Pitocin and then ultimately a D&E/C very early this morning. I'm home now. I did really well in surgery - the IV in my hand was the worst part. Pitocin is a b&*@h going in! Physically, this is 'easier' so far than my natural m/c. I'm not in any pain (so far) and I'm just on methergin (sp?) and ABX for a couple of days.

My Drs and nurses ended up being WONDERFUL. Everyone was so apologetic for the run-around I went through yesterday. The nurse manager even came to me and apologized for all the miscommunication. A bereavement counselor visited me and they have a support group that I'll probably try to go to. Due to the circumstances of the procedure, I don't know at this time if the baby was a boy or girl, but they're running pathology and genetic tests. The hospital sent me home with a little stuffed bear and I'm planning to make a memory box like I saw on another m/c support board and I thought that was a really beautiful and gentle reminder of a little lost soul.

My oldest DD has has some very pointed questions, which have so far been mostly directed at my Mom, but that's definitely been tough to handle. For now, just trying to rest and let everything sink in.

betsyboop ~ I think the whole issue w/D&E at later stage is 1) it's a 'specialty' and not very many dr's are trained in the procedure and/or have the necessary equipment to perform the procedure at an advanced stage and 2) they feel like it's better, emotionally, to birth, meet & say goodbye to the child - that it helps in the grieving process. But, as you can see from above, my Drs did end up performing the D&E on me - even if it wasn't their 'first choice', I think they realized it was the right thing given the circumstances.

[ezl247]

MaxMax:
I am glad that the procedure went well. My oldest DD who was 4.5 at the time had some really hard questions too, they faded after 2-3 weeks.
I wish you peace in the hard days and months ahead.

[pocahontas]

our due date is today.

Trying not to think about it. Not doing so well at that...Haven't been around in awhile but I saw this and it made me wanna give you a {{{{{HUGE HUG}}}} JENNA. I realized we both had February due dates in common but I never realized they were exactly a day apart! My due date was Monday. :( I know where you're coming from believe me.

[jenahdawn]

Thanks.

And, hugs back, poca.

[amygrrl]

just bumping to check in on everyone.

[pocahontas]

Saying a prayer and crossing my fingers that come December I'll be able to join many of you and take home my Rainbow Baby. :)

[Ericka_Jarett]

pocahontas - Congratulations and here's to a healthy baby that comes home with you in Dec/Jan. Keep us posted.

It is now 4 yrs since I lost Rebekah. Can't believe it's that long already. Easton sees her picture in my bedroom and says sissy Rebekah and looks up to the sky. He is starting to understand that she lives in Heaven with his pop-pop (he never met him)

[GlamaGal]

Poca- congrats!! I was scared to come in here. I'm so glad it's for great news.:)

[jennylou]

Poca - CONGRATS! Yay! :)

Ericka - we passed our four year in May, it is hard to believe.

[sophiapb]

I love seeing good news posted here! Congrats, Pocahontas!

We are all well. We passed the four year mark May 26 and celebrated as usual with a birthday party for Alexa. Lately she's been asking for a brother and I don't know how to tell that she DID have a brother and in fact, she and he were both inside my tummy at the same time. I want to talk to DH and prepare us all for the next time that she asks. She's certainly old enough to know and understand but I think I might be the issue. I guess I just worry that once she has the info she'll run around telling everyone that her brother died and I'll have to explain the situation to random people. It sound silly really but I like telling people on MY terms not my 4 year old's terms. Either way we have to let Alexa and her sisters know about Alexander.

[LDS Angel 19]

We also passed the 4 year mark this month. It just seems unreal.

We have been busy. We hope to close on our first house in a few weeks, and of course chasing two two-year-olds is always busy.

Congrats to poca! I hope you have a long and boring pregnancy! ;)

[Astro]

Hi everyone. Our four year is coming up this fall.

We've finally been matched for an adoption, but the baby isn't due until December. Please keep your fingers crossed that this doesn't fall through.

[sophiapb]

Congrats Astro! Fabulous news. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a successful December for you and your DH.

[jennylou]

Everything crossable is crossed for you Astro! EEEEE! I'm so excited for you! :D :D :D :D

[GlamaGal]

More good news, Astro! Sending some prayers your way.

[Lisa]

Astro- COngrats!!! so exciting!!!
Poco- happy and healthy 9 months to you!!!

We just passed out 3 year mark in July.Its so hard to believe its really been 3 years! I have another rainbow baby boy due in 4 weeks. we are happy but I'm still a little nervous!
Hope everyone else is good!

[Ericka_Jarett]

LDS - did you guys close on your house?

Pocohontas - hope pregnancy is nice and boring for you :)

Astro - that is awesome, will pray it goes as it's suppose to and you and your husband get to bring home a beautiful baby.

I am getting ready to go on a mommy only vacation down to Disney. They have 2 events going on that I want to attend and fortunately they are both the same weekend so it works well. I will be going for 3 days, be a good time for refreshing for me.

[pocahontas]

It has been wonderfully boring so far (minus a cerclage debacle :rolleyes: ) but nothing like last time with 3 trip to L&D all before 18 weeks! :( (And then, of course the ultimate trip at 24 and a half). This time I think I had one slight scare at 19 weeks that turned out to be nothing and knock wood been okay after that!

Hope e/e is doing well!

[Ericka_Jarett]

Glad to hear it's been for the most part boring, hope it stays that way, but that you can also enjoy it a little. How many weeks are you now?

[clzj]

Just an update. We will hit the 4 year mark at the end of October. We have finally opened up the information about the baby and there was nothing in there with the sex. It was like pulling teeth to get it from the hospital. I did finally get the information. Then DH and I were fighting and we just opened it not the way I wanted to. We lost a Baby Boy. We have been at each others throats for the last 4 or 5 months. A lot has to due the economy. I hope it gets better soon. At this point I don't think i will every have another baby. I really want one, but i dont think it will be in the picture

[pocahontas]

Glad to hear it's been for the most part boring, hope it stays that way, but that you can also enjoy it a little. How many weeks are you now?
LOL...way late. :o Sorry. I am 23 weeks. So a week and a half to go of holding my breath...

[jennylou]

clzj - I'm sorry it was hard to get the information. :( I hope that you and your DH will be able to get some peace. The economy is very tough right now, my DH was laid off in January and has still not been able to find a new job. It can be very stressful when there are money issues.

[scout]

I'm sorry to say that I think I have to join. Today, I had an u/s because I was leaking fluid, and there was no fluid around the baby (I had been to labor and delivery last week, and no problem was found). I'm 20 weeks and a few days. I know in rare cases the bag can seal up, but it doesn't look likely. On Monday, I'm meeting with the specialist to discuss options, but I think my options are terminiation or delivery. Not great choices, but I'm going to have to deliver.

Has anyone had to do this? I'm just so sick with worry and sadness.

[pocahontas]

I'm sorry to say that I think I have to join. Today, I had an u/s because I was leaking fluid, and there was no fluid around the baby (I had been to labor and delivery last week, and no problem was found). I'm 20 weeks and a few days. I know in rare cases the bag can seal up, but it doesn't look likely. On Monday, I'm meeting with the specialist to discuss options, but I think my options are terminiation or delivery. Not great choices, but I'm going to have to deliver.

Has anyone had to do this? I'm just so sick with worry and sadness.

SCOUT...NO! :( Wait...when you went to L&D last week was it because you suspected something was up? Did they tell you something definitive about the baby today...like was there a h/b? If there was...does that mean there might still be hope? Just trying to remain optimistic for you.

[jennylou]

Scout - I'm sorry you may have to join us. :(

[scout]

Did they tell you something definitive about the baby today...like was there a h/b? If there was...does that mean there might still be hope? Just trying to remain optimistic for you.
The baby is alive and there is a heartbeat, but it's very unlikely that the bag will reseal. The fluid level was zero and so nobody was very optimistic. I meet on Monday with some doctors that will know more, but my OB was pretty upfront with me about the chances of things being o.k.

I'm just really scared to deliver a baby at 20 weeks. I don't know anyone else who has gone through this and I feel really alone.

[twainny]

Scout - I am so sorry for you. I did want to say, that I know a girl who delivered at 20 weeks (twin girls) and though, small (like 12 oz each) they are nearly 3 today, they are small (but then again, my son who is nearly the same age is huge, so it is a bad comparison) but totally on par with their peers (especially for being preemies).

Can you go in tomorrow? (Friday)? Why wait until Monday? That just seems like way too long to have to wait. The sooner they do something, the more chances your baby will have.

I will keep you in my thoughts! I hope all goes well for you.

[scout]

Why wait until Monday They wanted me to stay at the hospital for observation, but they said nothing could be done for the baby, so I asked to go home. My Ob said if my water hadn't completely broken or if the baby were further along, things would be different. I got the idea that there was nothing I could do.

THank you for the support, everyone. I hate that this thread even has to exist.

[pocahontas]

THank you for the support, everyone. I hate that this thread even has to exist.
I hate that anyone ever has to join after the last person. I just wish there would be no more members and everyone could be blissfully happy and unaware that things like this do occur. But since you said your major fear is delivering a 20 weeker because you don't know anyone who has done this before...I delivered a 24 and a half weeker alive. Honestly, there isn't really anything anyone can say to prepare you for it but I will say my son looked just like every other newborn I've seen...he was just about 1/6th their size. I guess it's different if you are expecting a baby you already know has a deformity or something. But he was just a regular baby who they allowed me to hold, etc. Everyone's case is different but I imagine they will offer you the chance to hold him/her (do you know the sex?) also. I do hope that by some miracle you don't end up having to be here though...so please keep us posted!

[Ericka_Jarett]

My daughter was born alive at 24w 1d. She looked like a normal baby, she weighed 1lb 3oz and 11" long and just beautiful. You could see her veins as she didn't have much fat and muscle on her, but she still looked great. Her heart was beating, she never took a breath though. They told me she was alive and they were working on her, then they said nothing we can do, then a nurse said her heart is still beating and explained the breathing issue to us. We kept saying do everything you could to help her. After about 20 mins or so, they said they couldn't get her breathing and her heart was still beating so if we would like to hold her while she was alive they would certainly give her to me. So I said through tears I want to hold her. I had to tell her I loved her while she was alive, she lived for 71 mins after birth, at which time they checked her heart and it had stopped, she passed in my arms. I held her from the time she was born (before 7pm) until 4:30pm the next day. I slept with her in my arms, I just didn't want to let her go. When I did finally have to say my final good-bye to her, I had told my husband as soon as I did it we had to leave. So the nurse came answered questions and we handed our baby girl off for the final time and I went and got dressed while she got the wheelchair and we left within 5 mins of handing her off.

Don't feel like you have to get "over it" as many will tell you to. Take all the time you need. No one will understand how you feel. I pray that a miracle will happen for you still and the baby will be fine. Talk to the baby even now, through the weekend, I talked to Rebekah all during my ordeal the day she ended up being delivered.

[MrsD]

I hope it's okay to post in here, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you are going through this, Scout. I will be thinking of you.

[cr8zyforaf]

Scout - you have not left my thoughts all day- I am so very sorry and I will continue to pray for you and your family.

[scout]

Ericka I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl :(

(do you know the sex?) It's a boy.

Thank you everyone for the support. I've been contracting on and off all day, and bleeding, so I think I'm going to have to go into the hospital. I'm going to lay down for awhile and see if it subsides.

[MrsSpencer]

I just want to say I'm thinking of you scout and praying for you and your little one.

[jennylou]

Scout, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am holding you and your family in my prayers this weekend.

[pocahontas]

Scout, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I am holding you and your family in my prayers this weekend.

Same here.

[scout]

I went into labor yesterday, and had my baby last night. His weight was in grams, and he was perfect and whole, just very small. His name is Daniel.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

[jennylou]

scout - I'm so sorry for your loss. You will get through this, but you'll never get over it. The whole process, and life itself, may seem daunting though, but know that you'll get through it - sometimes just minute by minute. Prayers for you and your family today.

[MrsD]

Oh scout, I have been so very worried for you, and I am so very sorry it has turned out this way. I wish I could say more, but there are really no words. :(

[pocahontas]

scout - I'm so sorry for your loss. You will get through this, but you'll never get over it.
THIS. And don't let anyone tell you how to grieve for your little boy. There is NO right or wrong way. Period. I am so sorry. ((()))

[LDS Angel 19]

scout, I am so very very sorry. I hate it so much when someone has to join our group. I think a lot of us here would say we don't know how we got through it either. You kind of just do. At first, you get through it minute by minute. And then hour by hour, and then day by day.

[mamax2]

scout - I'm so sorry for your loss. You will get through this, but you'll never get over it.

So very true. I'm sorry for your loss. I agonized (in this thread, IIRC) about some of the same things as you (delivery, etc.) I am lifting up prayers for you, your DH and your two sweet kids at home as well as Daniel.

[rehoboth]

Scout, I am so sorry for your loss.

[scout]

Talk to the baby even now, through the weekend In the unfortunate event that somebody else has to join this thread, I wanted to comment on this, because this is what gave me peace last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and the realization that I lost my baby hit me and I started crying. I started talking to Daniel and that calmed me down enough to go back to sleep. Thank you for this advice.

[amyintn]

I'm so sorry, Scout. I delivered my boy at 19 weeks and it was heartbreaking. You and your family are in my prayers.

Amy

[scout]

Amy I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby as well.

Is there was anyone here who after losing a baby didn't try again? Whenever I dealt with infertility or a miscarriage, there was always a pregnancy to help heal things. I don't think that I can go through this again, and since I have two kids, I don't think I will try again, even though I desperately want a third baby.

I know that another baby won't replace Daniel. Nothing will replace him. If my life were different (no infertility, no history of terrible pregnancies, younger age) I'd have another baby in a heartbeat. Since I have so many things stacked up against me, I won't have a rainbow baby. Other babies don't replace what's been lost, but I do think they heal a wound, and I worry that I'll be grieving forever.

[Astro]

Hi Scout,

You asked if anyone here hadn't gone on to have another baby. I guess that'd be me, but not by choice. After losing our boys, we had two more pregnancies, but both resulted in miscarriages. It's been a few years now and no more pregnancies. We've given up trying to get pregnant (stopped all the infertility stuff) and returned to just having fun in the bedroom when we want. :)

We registered for wanting to adopt a baby earlier this year and will probably end up adopting a baby boy in December if all goes well. At this point, we both hope the adoption works, but are finally able to look ahead to a life without kids if that's what happens. It's taken us 4 years to get to this point.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask or send me a message.

[Ericka_Jarett]

scout- I am so sorry to read about little Daniel leaving this earth way too soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad my advice helped you some this weekend. Daniel knows he is loved and was very wanted. You have to do what feels right for you and your family in regards to if you want to have another baby, please keep us posted on how you and your family are doing and if there are times you just need to come in here and vent, please know that someone is always around to hear it. It's a group that unfortunately we all share a common bond in, one that wish none of us had to be dealt.

[scout]

Astro I'm just beside myself reading what you went through. I'm glad you've found peace, but I hate that you had to try to find it. I'll be praying that you get your baby in December.

please know that someone is always around to hear it It helps so much to know that there are people who understand.

My mom has been here, and asked me what I was going to do with my maternity clothes because her friend's daughter is pregnant and could use them. I ended up throwing the clothes at her and saying, "I'm SO glad Katie is pregnant and gets to enjoy 40 weeks of pregnancy. I hope she enjoys the clothes." Making my mom cry. I lost a baby three days ago and she's asking me about my maternity clothes? I know I'm in for a long road of people saying stupid things and I hope I don't lose friends and family over this.

[Ericka_Jarett]

scout - hugs to you. You are so not alone in this journey. Like I said vent to any of us, we know how much it sucks to lose a baby or more.

I remember listening to a tape of when my husband announced to our church that we were expecting. I played it for my mom about 3 yrs ago since she never heard my husband's testimony. When he said about me being pregnant and we heard all the cheers, I just lost it, my mom hugged me and just let me have a cry (even now just thinking about that day, I cry) She told me when I lost Rebekah that she had only a slight idea of what I was going through (she had 2 early miscarriages) but she knows it's different having a baby 24 weeks that you can hold and look at then not being able to see a baby lost at 8 weeks gestation. I had to distance myself from my best friend who was pregnant with #2 when I lost my Rebekah. We are still great friends and I told her after I had my son that I just needed some space, she totally understood and didn't even question why I stopped talking to her for a few months. She was my godsend after I had my son and he was in for feeding issues and I wasn't allowed to drive, she would load her 2 kids in the car and drive 20 mins to pick me up and take me to the hospital to visit with Easton and she would head back home after she dropped me off at the hospital for my long visit.

Take the time you need to grieve, I still take time to grieve even 4 yrs later.

[amygrrl]

scout - i'm so sorry for your loss of daniel. it's just so unfair when anyone has to join this club. who wants that invite??? PP is right, you don't get over it, you get through it. and you don't find understanding (like everyone who hasn't been through this prays for you) but you do find acceptance. as we like to say in our house, 'it is what it is'. we lost avery at 28 weeks back in 05 and during our recent move i looked through her box again and it still tore me up inside. some things we did to get through...

- made a box for her that included a print out of every email we sent or received about her (good or bad), all of the congrats and condolence cards, a little engraved tiffany's box with her ashes, her foot prints, a dvd with pictures of her from the birth, the video of her level 2 u/s, a blanket and toy we bought her, and a copy of a letter that each of us wrote to her telling her how much we loved her (the originals were with her during the cremation).

- had a tree planted at a local park where we used to walk while i was pregnant with a plaque that has her name and birthday and says, 'the light that shines on you will shine on you forever'.

- talk about her when we feel comfortable to whomever we feel comfortable. sometimes it's friends or family. sometimes it's strangers. we let our feelings dictate what we share.

- have made sure our subsequent daughters know about avery and her role in the family. dd1 will tell people she has 2 sisters. she knows that avery is her big sister, that she's in heaven, etc.

i'm sure there's more, but those are the big ones for me. let us know if you need anything at all.

[scout]

Ericka and Amy Thank you for your help and advice. Amy Avery was going to be this baby's name if he was a girl. Such a beautiful name. I'm so sorry you are in this club as well.

I had a good day yesterday, but today, I'm having a horrendous day. I feel guilty when I feel better too.

I don't want to be forever known as the poor girl who lost her baby and have people tip-toe around me forever.

How did people treat you when you went back to work?

[pocahontas]

Ericka and Amy Thank you for your help and advice. Amy Avery was going to be this baby's name if he was a girl. Such a beautiful name. I'm so sorry you are in this club as well.

I had a good day yesterday, but today, I'm having a horrendous day. I feel guilty when I feel better too.

I don't want to be forever known as the poor girl who lost her baby and have people tip-toe around me forever.

How did people treat you when you went back to work?
When I went back to work they told me NOT to come back. (THEY didn't think I was ready.) I only stayed out for a week and the principal's designee who I spoke to who had lost Baby #2 at 8 months and knew what I was going through told me that it took her a month to heal. (Principal was a man but also was familiar with what it's like to have a 24 weeker like I did...except his son lived and is now 5). Anyhoo, everyone is different. I couldn't sit around my house for a month looking out the balcony at the fall leaves or worse looking at the 4 walls. I wanted some sense of normalcy which at that time meant work because the other areas of my life were so far from normal. And when I did go back, I got a lot of hugs. I guess it was slightly different for me in that I was a teacher and they had to prepare 23 ten year olds for their teacher who left one day with a big belly and a baby in it to come back with almost no belly and zero baby. So I was probably more worried about how my kids would react than my colleagues. The kids had made me cards and were very kind. Some staff members bought me a plant and balloon. You will have to, however, navigate through the STUPIDITY...just a warning. And by that I mean here are some of the comments I got:

Oh you are young...so you have plenty of time (the benefit of looking younger than you really are became a thorn in my side because if they only knew my REAL age they would have shut up. :mad: )

Everything happens for a reason. (Hated this one...I mean what reason can you give me for my baby being dead? Seriously?? :rolleyes: )

It just wasn't meant to be. (What the EFF? :confused: )

So...although those comments were few and far between they really made me have to restrain myself from slapping someone or telling them where to shove it.

The bright side is how many people you never knew you shared this experience with will come out of the woodwork to confide in you that they had this same thing happen to them. (I mean people with late losses because you will have those who also want to tell you that they miscarried at 5 weeks a few days after their BFP and not to dismiss them but honestly I couldn't relate considering I held my LIVING child and looked in his face, felt him kick inside me, watched him move on u/s, etc. Not even close to the same feeling IMHO and since I've had chemical pgcies around 5 weeks I can say this because I've had both worlds.)

I wish you the best of luck with returning to work because as I've said...everyone is different and for some people it's hard. For me, going back was where I found peace. I'd have been a wreck sitting around at home.

[scout]

pochantas First, I'm so happy to see that you are due in December with your rainbow baby!

I mean people with late losses because you will have those who also want to tell you that they miscarried at 5 weeks a few days after their BFP and not to dismiss them but honestly I couldn't relate considering I held my LIVING child and looked in his face, felt him kick inside me, watched him move on u/s, etc. This is what I'm dealing with too. Somebody emailed today saying they understood because they had a miscarriage at six weeks. I've had a miscarriage too, and I know that loss and it's nothing compared to this loss.

I'm a teacher too and my students have been wonderful. They've been emailing me and sent a card. One student said, "Your baby is in good hands. We all love you. Please come back soon." Funny how a 12 year old knows just the right thing to say. My worry is that there are so many pregnant women at my school and I'm worried they'll steer clear of me or act awkward around me. I do think that it will be good for me to go back to interact with the kids again and keep busy. I planned to take four weeks off, but I may go back earlier.

Thank you for the support again. It's hard feeling like I'm the only one who is dealing with this, and although I hate that anyone else has to be in this club, the support is so helpful to me.

[LDS Angel 19]

I went back to work after less than a week. Horrible idea, but I didn't know it at the time. It was so hard. My boss had removed everything baby related from my desk (ultrasound photos and mothers day cards) and I was livid. I ended up having to take more time off about 3 months later to really let myself grieve and heal. So my advice is do not rush it.

[jennylou]

I went back around seven weeks. The first two weeks were awful, but DH was home part of that time. It got much better when I could drive again. My OB actually told me not to go back, as initially I was like - hey, why sit at home, I could be working. I'm honestly not sure what all I did. I remember going to Amish Country for a day with one of DHs older cousins. I think that's pretty much what I did - went to lunch with various people. Then I went to dinner with DH. My house was pretty clean, but I made sure to go out each and every day after I could drive again at two weeks (I'd had a c/s).

It was hard going back to work - I worked for the county, but in an off site office. So, various people would have some need to call our office and I remember my first week back, the county ombudsman called and started talking to me excitedly. I was trying to brush him off and not get into things if he didn't know but he was like "you're back soon? Didn't you just have a baby?". Uh, knife to the heart - I blurted out that my baby had died and told him to hold and then told the person who he'd called for (as I ran by his office crying for the bathroom) that he had a call. He felt horrible, but things like that would happen anywhere. It was just worse for me at work - that was supposed to be the "normal" place, kwim? As I typed out that story, it's so vivid to me, and the tears start to flow again. Seeing all the big, pregnant bellies that suddenly everyone had was awful as well. I worked in a public setting, so there was no hiding from it. Of course, we can't hide from life, either - and I think that no matter when you decide to go back to work, you have the potential for having a sudden breakdown - which is completely normal. I'm 4.5 years out and I still have sudden breakdowns. I was sitting in my A&P class a few weeks (month?) ago and we were talking about something and the professor asked if anyone had ever heard of SIDS. Now, she does this often - she usually is just asking for a show of hands because it illustrates how rare or how common a disease is (she's done this for other things like diabetes, high blood pressure, etc). I raised my hand. And so she asked me what it was. Tears welled up and she quickly realized why I knew what it was and quickly explained it to the class, but not before I was choking back the tears. Now, sometimes, I can talk very matter of fact about things, but sometimes, when you least expect it the scar is poked and the grief comes rushing back.

[scout]

LDS and Angel I wish I could give you both a big hug.

[pocahontas]

This is what I'm dealing with too. Somebody emailed today saying they understood because they had a miscarriage at six weeks. I've had a miscarriage too, and I know that loss and it's nothing compared to this loss.

My worry is that there are so many pregnant women at my school and I'm worried they'll steer clear of me or act awkward around me. I planned to take four weeks off, but I may go back earlier.


Yeah, I just used to nod my head at those people because I don't wanna negate what they've experienced (and clearly they are trying to sympathize and relate) but the 2 chemicals I had after the birth of my perfectly healthy albeit premature child don't even register on the same scale. So I know what you mean.

I feel for you having so many pregnant women at school (didn't realize you were a teacher too!) I was the only one pregnant at that school at the time which was a real blessing. So I'm not sure how it would have worked if there'd been more of us (like at my recent school where there are 3 of us...1 due in December and 2 in January). That would probably be tough. :( And in that case I can understand your plan to take off more time. But as everyone else has said...don't rush it. Go at your own pace and only you know what that pace is.

[scout]

Yeah, I just used to nod my head at those people because I don't wanna negate what they've experienced (and clearly they are trying to sympathize and relate) I do that too. I don't wamt to minimize what they're going through because it's a loss and they need to grieve the loss of their baby. It isn't the same, though.

[amygrrl]

i went back to work after 2 or 3 weeks. but i had a unique situation. my boss offered let me ease back in by working at home. so for about a month i did that. she had let everyone i work with and supported know what had happened. so in that first week or so back working from home, i received lots of very sweet emails. it was nice not to have to worry about breaking down in front of people. she also did a collection and paid for the planting of my daughter's tree ($500).

when i finally made it back on site for the first time, there were a lot of tears from everyone. but it wasn't the 'bad' kind... if that makes sense.

[pocahontas]

Although I am sad this thread has seen so much action lately, I think I really needed it to be revived today because it is my son's 2nd birthday and although I've already had my brief cry (not sure if that'll be the last one today...but I'm hoping I won't break down anymore) I am really feeling sensitve about the idiots who think I should be "OVER IT" because I'm pregnant again. :mad: Huh? I would never tell someone whose mother died they should be over it because they have a step-mother. Being pregnant with another child isn't a replacement for the first child you ever fell in love with just like a step-mom (no matter how wonderful) is not a replacement for someone's mother. And why would I want my unborn son to ever replace my first born. :confused: They are 2 separate people. *sigh* Sorry for the vent...just missing my little boy and that makes me more raw to dumb comments. :(

[jennylou]

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

[scout]

pocahontas Thinking of you and your son today.

[GlamaGal]

scout- I'm so sorry that Daniel was in your arms for such a short time. I have had you in my thoughts and prayers for days now.

You never do get over it. It's still very hard to come in here and read about new members. And when someone else goes through it you go back through your trauma again. At least I do. I've learned to compartmentalize. I'll only let myself go back to certain thoughts and then I'll do what I call "flip the switch" if I start to tear up. I'll begin thinking about what makes me the happiest and I'll relive the births of my two living children. I'll go over every single detail until I've changed my mood or fallen asleep. Nights were the worst for me in the beginning months.

No one can prepare you for the reckless comments you'll receive (or the lack of from those you wish would reach out).

I will continue to think and pray for you. This is a terrific group of women. We're all here for any little thing you want to vent about. The best thing I think anyone who finds themselves in our shoes can do is get into therapy. It's almost two years later and I think I'm ready (although I wish I'd have done it long ago).

poca- I'm thinking of you.

[scout]

I will continue to think and pray for you I appreciate that. Thank you.

No one can prepare you for the reckless comments you'll receive (or the lack of from those you wish would reach out). This has been the most disappointing part of all. My closest friends haven't been there for me (two of them sent a curt "I'm sorry" email, and that was it). While the people that have been most thoughtful and supportive have been my livejournal and constant chatter friends--people I've never even met.

poca You were in my thoughts all day yesterday. I hope you are finding a little peace. :(

[scout]

I'm having a hard day. I'm questioning everything. I just read that somebody on this thread had a healthy baby after her water broke and was on bedrest for twenty weeks, and wondering if I would have went on bedrest if that would have helped my baby. I know that I DID 'wait and see' and got an infection, but I'm wondering if I would have listened to my instinct that something wasn't right after I was discharged from labor and delivery the first time if something could have been done. I Just feel like I failed my baby in so many ways.

[jennylou]

scout- I'm so sorry that Daniel was in your arms for such a short time. I have had you in my thoughts and prayers for days now.

You never do get over it. It's still very hard to come in here and read about new members. And when someone else goes through it you go back through your trauma again. At least I do. I've learned to compartmentalize. I'll only let myself go back to certain thoughts and then I'll do what I call "flip the switch" if I start to tear up. I'll begin thinking about what makes me the happiest and I'll relive the births of my two living children. I'll go over every single detail until I've changed my mood or fallen asleep. Nights were the worst for me in the beginning months.

No one can prepare you for the reckless comments you'll receive (or the lack of from those you wish would reach out).

I will continue to think and pray for you. This is a terrific group of women. We're all here for any little thing you want to vent about. The best thing I think anyone who finds themselves in our shoes can do is get into therapy. It's almost two years later and I think I'm ready (although I wish I'd have done it long ago).

poca- I'm thinking of you.

Me too. I'd stay up until I was about to pass out from exhaustion. I didn't want to go to bed and think.

[Ericka_Jarett]

scout - you didn't fail Daniel, you are a great mom and you did all you thought to do in the situation.

I blamed myself for Rebekah's passing, then when I was pregnant with my son and the perinatalogist said all the possible things that caused me to get a placenta infection which ultimately is what took my Rebekah's life, I finally knew I did all I could. He even told me that he hated to say it but medical personnel don't do cervical checks at all in pregnancy unless there is a reason to and I was having a very normal pregnancy with Rebekah, and it's not until a loss will you get better care the next time. So with my next pregnancy I was checked like a hawk and saw a peri and OB and it was every other week, and they were alternating at that so it was ever week I was seeing a doctor.

I left work the day I delivered due to discharge and went home to lay down for a while and got pains off and on. I left them a message on the voice mail I would be out the next day, then called the next day and said I would be out again, and then I emailed that night that I was going to be out the week and the reason why. I ended up getting some comforting emails and a card signed by everyone. My boss told me to take all the time I needed, my job would be there for me if I decided to come back (I worked Seasonal work for Babe Ruth, but we were just getting into the busy time) I kept them updated and I didn't return to work until after Mother's Day as we had a trip already paid for to Chicago. When I returned, everyone just let me talk if I needed to and they said how sorry they were when they were told about me delivering so early. I needed the time off. You go back when you feel ready. My husband had told me after I had Rebekah you don't have to go back to work if you don't want to. I felt guilty leaving so much work on my co-workers just as our season was starting, but also needed time to grieve a baby I longed for all my life. You will figure it out.

Likes others said, night time was hard. I would lay in bed and could remember the whole day like was just the day before. Even 4 yrs later I can recall that day so vividly. It would take me 2-3 hours to fall asleep sometimes in the beginning.

[jennylou]

I'm having a hard day. I'm questioning everything. I just read that somebody on this thread had a healthy baby after her water broke and was on bedrest for twenty weeks, and wondering if I would have went on bedrest if that would have helped my baby. I know that I DID 'wait and see' and got an infection, but I'm wondering if I would have listened to my instinct that something wasn't right after I was discharged from labor and delivery the first time if something could have been done. I Just feel like I failed my baby in so many ways.

It's hard not to question everything. The person you refer to was very, very lucky. She'll tell you that. The odds for that baby to make it were like 1%. Maybe even under that.

[scout]

ericka and jenny Thank you. The person you refer to was very, very lucky. She'll tell you that. The odds for that baby to make it were like 1%. That made me feel better. I'm so glad her baby was in that lucky 1%. The fact that I had started contracting and had an infection makes me think that not a lot could be done too. It's so hard to be a mom and think that you didn't keep your child safe.

[Ericka_Jarett]

She was a very lucky 1%, I know as we went through our pregnancies together.


I forgot to say, that my Rebekah was born on April 18th, so didn't return til the day after Mother's Day, which would have been like the 12th or something like that of May.

[pocahontas]

The person you refer to was very, very lucky. She'll tell you that. The odds for that baby to make it were like 1%. Maybe even under that.I thought about that too when I had PROM and lost my son. It's hard not to wonder why we, too, didn't end up in the 1%. Believe me, I understand.

scout - you didn't fail Daniel, you are a great mom and you did all you thought to do in the situation.

He even told me that he hated to say it but medical personnel don't do cervical checks at all in pregnancy unless there is a reason to and I was having a very normal pregnancy with Rebekah, and it's not until a loss will you get better care the next time. So with my next pregnancy I was checked like a hawk and saw a peri and OB and it was every other week, and they were alternating at that so it was ever week I was seeing a doctor.

The night I had PROM I had not felt well all day at work (early labor unbeknownst to me :() but when I came home instead of going straight to bed proceeded to unloaded the dishwasher and do laundry. :rolleyes: I still wonder to this day what would have happened if I'd just laid down and it's been 2 years! So you will question yourself for quite awhile and it sucks but it's normal. I also questioned what would have happened if I'd gone on bedrest for good at 16 weeks when one of my fibroids infarcted (instead after a week of bedrest I went back to work). Hindsight is always going to be 20/20 unfortunately.

The same situation Ericka mentioned above is true for me as well. My first pgcy was treated completely normal (even though I was supposed AMA) but I had once monthly appts. with ZERO cervical checks. The only reason I had six u/s in those 24 weeks was because I did IVF and had the luxury of three u/s at the RE before I was released or else I wouldn't have even had that much. I'm sure since you have 2 children they wouldn't think to treat you with kid gloves because they would figure if you haven't had the situation you had with Daniel before there would be no reason to suspect such. It is only after tragedy strikes that things change. At my 4 week postpartum appt. with my lil' boy my OB told me in no uncertain terms that for my next pregnancy she was pulling out all the stops to ensure this didn't happen again which included a cerclage, P17 shots, bi-weekly cervical u/s and yes...the magic word, bedrest from 18 weeks on (so I haven't worked since Aug. 5). Even if none of these things have helped me make it to 31 weeks where I am now I promise you it has given me SUCH PEACE OF MIND! That is my wish for you if you should decide to change your mind give it another try, SCOUT, because peace of mind is so important when you've been through something like this and it is important to be with a high risk OB/peri who really truly understands.

[Bellefior]

Scout I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your loss. Although I wasn't as far along when I lost my baby earlier this year, I know how painful any loss of a much wanted child is. I will be keeping you, your family, and Daniel in my thoughts and prayers.

[Ericka_Jarett]

Like Pocahontas said, with her next pregnancy she got all the precautions. With my son I had cervical u/s just about every 2 weeks, my Peri had told me when I first went to him, that he was going to see me get past 24 weeks and go on to a healthy baby, he kept his word. I wish I had only seen my peri, cause the OB did just the same things (vitals mostly) that the peri did every other week and no u/s and the peri was also treating my gestational diabetes that was discovered. It was at 20 weeks they discovered I was starting to dilate some and so by 22 weeks I was 1 cm and got a pessary cerclage placed and was put on modified bedrest (up for showers and bathroom only, and 5 mins to grab a meal if no one was around to get me a meal together) for the next 16 weeks. I was found to be 100% effaced on a day my peri was out of the office (at court for juror duty, that he tried to get out of but the judge wouldn't allow it, wish the judge had let him out, since I ended up in the hospital that day) I was sent to a hospital 1 hour away and they monitored me, gave me my first steroid shot and my peri was able to make it in finally and said he was so sorry he wasn't available earlier all while checking my information, he said things were still ok though and would get another steroid shot the next day, so was covered just in case. The neonatologist came in and talked to me and told me the bad things that could happen this early, but he didn't see any issues or think I would be delivering. I went home as all was well with the baby and the u/s showed I was 90% effaced now. I went another 5 weeks 6 days with my son and the day the cerclage came out (35w 6d), within about 15 mins I was off to the hospital to labor and delivery. The OB that delivered Rebekah ended up being the one to deliver my Easton. So my pregnancy with Easton was a bit scary, but once I got past that 24 weeks and I could see how well my baby was growing, I was much more at ease.

With the girls I only saw a perinatologist, as we lived in a new state at this time, but he had my full record from my OB and previous peri's office so knew the background already. I was 9 weeks along when I got to see the peri and then we saw twins so the cerclage was scheduled for 13 weeks. He mentioned in recovery that I should plan on some bedrest, he knew I had a 6 month old at home and I asked about a trip we had already planned and paid for that was in July (it was May I think by this point) and he said if all was well could still go, would see him right before I left. I ended up seeing him until about 24-26 weeks and then not again, was seeing the OB from the same practice and the other peri's. I discovered that I was no longer high risk and could see anyone (Never thought I would hear no longer high risk) since my pregnancy was going great. I was scheduled to get my cerclage out the 24th of October at 35w 6d (like their brother), well the girls had other ideas and my water broke at home on the 23rd, and 7-8 hours later I had my twins by vaginal delivery only 3 mins apart and in 1 push and 3 pushes for my breech baby.

So if you decide to try again, just know you will get great care and watched really carefully. It still sucks that you had to suffer a loss. Hugs to you

[amygrrl]

after avery's stillbirth, we sent the records of the pregnancy and birth over to the head of perinatology at stanford for his review for the very same reason. we desperately needed to know if there was something we could do differently. his opinion was firmly no. that the cause of death was unknown, but that there was nothing we or the dr. did.

he agreed to take on our 2 subsequent pregnancies and followed me very closely... as he explained, as much for medical reasons as for psychological ones. i really appreciated that he understood that i was somewhat 'fragile' emotionally when it came to the pregnancy. i was seen way more often than most. both my girls had fetal echocardiograms and monthly level 2 u/s's. starting at viability, both had twice weekly NST's and dopplers to check the blood flow through the cord. Things were even crazier when i went into the preterm labor with dd1 at 30 weeks. after the preterm labor and early dialating with dd1 (dialated to 6 until i delivered at 37 weeks), my last pregnancy was followed even more closely because they were looking for signs of preterm labor, incompetent cervix, and fetal demise. again, all of that attention helped a lot in terms of easing our concerns.

[scout]

Thank you so much for sharing your stories and your words of advice. Today I admitted to myself that I would like to try again (although I know it's way too early to make any decisions), and your words really helped.

[GlamaGal]

I want to thank you girls who let me know I am not alone with the night time difficulties. I will remember that when I am having a bad night.

scout- I'm kind of a health nut, so when my DD2 was diagnosed with a fatal NTD, I thought, but I eat well, take my vitamins, live a healthy lifestyle, etc. It felt like a slap in the face and still does. But I've seen here and I know from life experience that there are times when no one is at fault and things just happen. I think humans have a natural tendency to want to solve things. I hope you're doing okay. I've been thinking about you.

amygrrl- I felt the same with a subsequent pregnancy. The closer monitoring helped a lot to ease my nerves.

[scout]

I'm kind of a health nut, so when my DD2 was diagnosed with a fatal NTD, I thought, but I eat well, take my vitamins, live a healthy lifestyle, etc. It felt like a slap in the face and still does Nothing about this is fair, is it? Every time I try to access this forum, the "February/March mom" thread is right on top. Every. Single. Time.

When people ask me how many kids you have, what do you say?
When people say incredibly stupid things, what do you say? I had somebody tell me I should look at my loss as a blessing because if the baby would have been born so early and made it, he'd have all kinds of problems. What is WRONG with people? My mother in law told me "I bet you're glad this happened now instead of after getting the H1N1 since you were so against getting the vaccine." I mean...the stupidity. Really.

I met with my OB for a follow up appointment and she referred me to a loss support group, and gave me the "go ahead" to TTC again after three cycles, which was good. What was NOT good is when I asked her about TTC again and monitoring, she basically said that nothing additional would be done because my water breaking was a flukey thing and couldn't have been prevented.

If I do attempt to TTC again, I need to know that I will be monitored more, you know?

[LDS Angel 19]

scout- couple things:

Idiotic comments- We've all gotten them, and unfortunately it seems to be an unavoidable part of the whole ordeal. How you respond is entirely up to you. You basically need to go into survival mode, and say whatever you feel like saying, and screw what other people think. The hard part to remember is, MOST of these people are just idiots, and are not actually TRYING to be mean. You need to respond however you feel is best. If that means saying nothing, than say nothing. Bottom line is your feelings are most important, not anyone else's.
The "How many kids do you have" is kind of along the same lines. This is another thing I think we have all dealt with. And I know for me, the answer is not always the same. Sometimes I say two, sometimes I say three. Sometimes I say two with me and one in heaven. Again, say what makes YOU feel right to say. And know that even if you only mention your living children, you are in no way denying or neglecting your angel. You're protecting him.

About what your OB said- I can understand calling it a 'fluke'. As much as it sucks to not have an answer. BUT, IMO, you should still get extra monitoring next time. If for nothing but your mental state. If your OB is serious about not offering you any extras whatsoever, I'd probably think about switching.

Sorry if any of that was jumbled or unclear. I'm kind of having one of those days. It happens every year... planning to get our family pictures taken and remembering that our whole family can never be in the picture. Ugh.

[scout]

planning to get our family pictures taken and remembering that our whole family can never be in the picture. Ugh. Hugs to you. I know what you mean. I'm considering putting the angel urn with my son's ashes somewhere in the picture this year, because I want him in our family picture.

Thank you for your comments. I went to the chiro last night and the massage therapist asked, 'So you have two kids. Are you going to try for a third?' and I just didn't have an answer ready, so I spilled out everything that had happened which made her make the "blessing" comment, and I think it would have just been easier to say, "no plans for a third." I DO feel disloyal saying "two kids" too, but if I'm going to get stupid comments like that, it's safer to say two. Then, my chiro noticed the epidural puncture on my back and asked questions too.

A lot of people are calling me now and feeling more comfortable talking about things and expressing anger at the doctors and saying I should sue. I'm not going to sue, but it makes me feel worse, because it makes me feel like if I would have been more proactive or went to a better hospital, this could have been prevented. I have been going to a therapist to work on my "guilt", but it still pops up.

[pocahontas]

About what your OB said- I can understand calling it a 'fluke'. As much as it sucks to not have an answer. BUT, IMO, you should still get extra monitoring next time. If for nothing but your mental state. If your OB is serious about not offering you any extras whatsoever, I'd probably think about switching.
OMGoodness, yes. I'm sure in a large metro area like you live in it's possible to consult with a High Risk OB/Peri but I would probably switch if this was his/her attitude. I was already with a High Risk Peri during my first pgcy and was STILL tempted to switch only because I didn't know if I could stomach delivering at that hospital again with the memories...not because of anything my OB did. She was actually not even on call the night it happened...it was one of the other docs (asshole) in the practice. But that's a whole 'nother story. Didn't end up switching only because it would have been a "downgrade" to a regular OB not high risk and I wasn't comfy with that. But by all means if it's possible where you live to look into other docs, please do! You deserve piece of mind.

I DO feel disloyal saying "two kids" too.

A lot of people are calling me now and feeling more comfortable talking about things and expressing anger at the doctors and saying I should sue. I'm not going to sue, but it makes me feel worse, because it makes me feel like if I would have been more proactive or went to a better hospital, this could have been prevented. I have been going to a therapist to work on my "guilt", but it still pops up.Hey, it's 2 years later for me and I'm still working on feeling "disloyal". :o I think it takes awhile. Don't know if it helps but I usually acknowledge my son when people ask me "Is this your first?" which seems to never fail. :rolleyes: My response is typically, "No, it's our second" and I normally leave it there. There will be a few who say, "Oh how nice" and move on. But the nosier ones will say, "Oh do you have a boy or a girl" to which I reply, "We HAD a son, but he passed away." Now that will usually shut people up...they'll say, "sorry to hear it" and the convo is done. Very rarely will I get one who just won't let up and asks something like, "How old was he?" Or "what happened?" I can only count the number of times that has happened on one hand...so it isn't frequent.

We went through the whole "sue" thing too (except it wasn't other people it was my own DH!) He had our lawyer's number in his hand on the way to our 4 week pp appt. because there seemed to be a lot of mishaps and blunders that happened that night that we question because we know someone who delivered a preemie at that very hospital 4 years before us and there were things that they did with her that were not done with us (and her daughter IS living FWIW, but she was a bit farther along when she was admitted also which I'm sure helped.) So we had that comparison going against the hospital folx and DH was ready to look into the legal aspects. So I completely understand where you're coming from.

[LDS Angel 19]

I had a lot of similar feelings about feeling guilty for not researching and choosing a better hospital or doctor. It took me a LONG time to realize that no matter what I or the doctors or anyone else could have done differently, I cannot go back in time and change anything. Guilt is a normal part of grief, and a normal part of being a mom. So I think in stuff like this it hits us twice as hard.

[scout]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. It helps so, so much.

Thinking of all of you, as always!

[GlamaGal]

scout- at first, I felt the need to reply that I had another child. Then, after a while, I felt the need to avoid it for my own sanity. I think much of that time was during my pregnancy with my technically fourth baby, my son. Now, I do reply that I have two. Do I feel a bit guilty? Yes. However, I have to be able to manage my emotions and my day-to-day affairs and I can only go so far until I'm a blubbering mess. I routinely cry in church but no one sees me. I regularly cry in here which I feel free to do and this is still where I allow myself to process it and grieve, for myself and others.

I am surprised your OB states that you will not get any additional monitoring. My OB offered up an u/s in her office, free of charge, any time I wanted to see/check up on my son. More of a peek than her checking things as a dr., IYKWIM. They called our loss a fluke as well, but we did get to have a NST with subsequent pregnancies. I'd also give serious thought to another OB as well.

[scout]

at first, I felt the need to reply that I had another child. Then, after a while, I felt the need to avoid it for my own sanity I think you're right. The question, "how many kids do you have?" is so common, and I know I ask it too. Last night, at an appointment when I was asked how many kids I had, I just replied two and left it at that. Then, there was so awkwardness, no follow up story necessary, no tears, etc. Then, I was asked, "Are you done having kids?" and I just said, "I don't know." End of story. I said a prayer to Daniel and reminded him that he was mine and I loved him so much, and wished he was here.

I am surprised your OB states that you will not get any additional monitoring. I know. I found that ridiculous. I went to a support group through my hospital last night, and the nurses and support group leader (who works at the hospital) assured me that I would get additional monitoring. I would be immediately assigned a high risk OB, even if it was just based on my (advanced maternal) age. I found it interesting that nearly all of the women at the support group last night had bleeding throughout their pregnancies, and so did I. Each time when we would go get checked, everything was determined to be fine. I think that all of my bleeding had something to do with my water breaking.

The stories I heard last night at the support group made me not want to try again, though. Lightnting striking twice and additional stories that made me wonder if I should just be happy with what I have. It's going to be a really really hard decision.