BIL Drive me nuts - stop me from killing...

[hub1176]

I feel horrible for feeling this way but my BIL drives me nuts - I should add BIL has developmental disabilities that keep him from being socially appropriate - HOWEVER my IL's, knowing this, don't ever seem to step in when necessary and correct his behaviour. I believe they think that because he's in his mid 20's that he's too old for correction. It's gotten worse now that we've had DD - he keeps making jokes about feeding her solid foods, letting her drink alcohol, etc. BUT with him you never know - he may try to do these things thinking he's being funny :eek: I have tried to deal with him the best that I can but it's very difficult for me (I'll add that I work with people who have developmental disabilites BUT it's my job to give them reminders about being appropriate something I can't do with BIL) It makes me very angry when he is not being approriate with DD (putting his filthy unwashed hands near her mouth - despite MIL telling him not to, making loud noises to startle her when she has the hiccups) and it's getting to the point I'm going to say/do something that won't be pretty :( DH does step in occasionally but he's his brother and he is sort of used to the behaviour which makes him not as aware of it.

[Lanapoo]

I don't see why you can't remind him what is appropriate and what is not if he is doing something inappropriate. And why shouldn't you be able to tell him to stop when he is trying to startle your DD to 'help' her with her hiccups. Just tell him that you don't want DD to be afraid of him, you want her to like her uncle. I'd start off with gentle corrections. See how the IL's react, if they flip out when you call him on his inappropriate behaviour then you know that strategy won't work. But I'd give it a shot at least.

Good luck!

[hub1176]

Lanapoo I guess I don't say much because as soon as MIL gives him a reminder (which he doesn't listen to) there is such a tension in the room I'm afraid to say anything - I can't quite describe it but I almost get the feeling that if I did say something the IL's would be annoyed with me.

[PG-rated]

Can you talk to your DH and have him approach his parents about it? Clearly if things continue as is, you're going to feel less and less comfortable bringing your children around BIL. Ask them to work with you to help you find a solution.

[Lanapoo]

Wow, I'm sorry Hub. I wonder what they think will happen that they are so scared to correct him. Or this might be a case of parents who will spoil their child who has an illness and or deficiancy. You know, where they think that because their baby can't have a completely normal life they must let them do whatever they want to make up for it. A guilt thing or something like that. In that case, my advise is completely useless to you.

I second PG's advise then. If your DH doesn't really 'SEE' how his brother is, maybe you should talk to him and really let him know how you feel about his brother's behavior and that it seems as if everyone is enabling this behavior when he can be corrected and learn to be more appropriate. This will not only make everyone around him happy but it will help BIL more in the long run.

[julietchicago]

If I were you, I would just jump in and tell him to stop when he is not acting appropriatly. Sorry, but if nobody else is going to, for the safety of your child...you need to.

[Marie]

I'd say something - you'd say something to anyone else posing a potential threat to your child, right? So treat him the same.

Good luck.