would you say something (touchy situation)

[catmom]

My friend's DD (I have posted about her before) is 3, and as long as I have known her has seemed to be "different." I have suspected that something might be up since she was about one or so, but I have tried not to say anything to my friend because whenever anyone says anything to her on this subject she just gets really defensive and states that "there is nothing wrong with her." That may be, but to me it seems like there are enough red flags that it's worth getting her looked at by the Early Intervention folks. At least 2 childcare professionals have recommended this, along with a bunch of her other friends.

Basically, this little girl is an extremely anxious child. She is afraid of loud noises (she completely freaks out if she sees a vacuum, even if it isn't on) and new experiences of any kind. She doesn't seem to show any feelings of empathy- she doesn't seem to understand if someone else is sad or hurt. She melts down if she gets a speck of dirt on her, and has tantrums that are abnormally intense (my DD throws some good ones, but this little girl's tantrums are honestly outside my experience- I can't even think how to describe them). For lack of a better description, she seems to be constantly in "freak out" mode- the littlest thing seems to set her off. Even if I am just giving my DD a snack and ask her if she would like some of whatever it is, she flips out and screams. She also seems to be somewhat delayed in her gross motor skills, though I am no expert in that area (for example, she still cannot jump even when holding on to something for balance).

Anyway, I think if there *is* anything wrong (i think maybe a sensory processing problem), it's not something glaringly obvious, since there aren't any speech delays or anything. The thing that is really concerning to me is that she won't take her DD to any activities- even playgroups- because her DD just really doesn't want to leave the house. Now she has decided that my DD will be her DDs designated playmate, and I really don't like being in that position at all.

Should I say something even though she probably won't listen? Obviously, I have no idea what's really going on, I just think it's worth looking into. I'm just kind of sick of being quiet everytime she complains to me that someone *else* has suggested having her DD evaluated, and of hearing all her various rationalizations for why her DD behaves so oddly at times (her latest rationale- she's "gifted.") I have tried being subtle and suggesting that she might bring some of this up with her pediatrician, but I don't think she will. Do I just keep my mouth shut? I have no idea what to do.

[NicoleWisconsin]

Other people have said something... do you think you saying something will help?

Maybe she sees you as a "safe" person.

I wouldn't.

[MLA]

To answer your question: No.

It's none of your business, and obviously she's not open to hearing any advice on the issue. She's got to get there on her own.

[J&K2003]

Here's a link on how to share concerns about a child from parent to parent (http://firstsigns.org/concerns/parent_parent.htm).

[Sevilla]

That is so frustrating, and that poor little girl - i cannot imagine how badly she feels to experience life as so overwhelming. The right therapy would be able to help her alot, and the sooner the better the results will be. I don't know how you could get across to her that her daughter needs assistance though, denial can be a very strong barrier to overcome.

[jimmysgirl424]

I'm thinking that if she isn't ready to hear and accept it now, don't mention it. And you have to remember that once her DD starts school, her teachers will most certainly point out the obvious and insist that she be evaulated. I'd hate to see it take that long but it may be what will end up happening. :(

[elle jee]

I wouldn't say anything either.

[catmom]

Thanks, everyone. This is pretty much what I have been doing (keeping my mouth shut since she doesn't want to hear it). It's getting increasingly hard for me because I am getting frustrated with the constant drama and I'm kind of feel like I'm lying to her when I tell her everything is okay.


And you have to remember that once her DD starts school, her teachers will most certainly point out the obvious and insist that she be evaulated.
I assumed this would happen once she started preschool this fall, but her parents ended up pulling her out after a week because she wasn't adjusting (this was, of course, all the school's fault- she even accused them of child abuse). Then she got mad because her other friend who was sending her DD to the same school didn't also pull HER dd out at the same time, even though she was perfectly happy there (does that make sense?).

I dunno- the reality is that I sort of want to say something because part of me hopes that she will get mad and stop speaking to me. It feels lately like everything is about her DD and her issues and how the whole world is so mean to her, and listening to it every day without being able to make an honest comment is exhausting. I think in some ways it's become sort of a toxic friendship, and on top of that now she is talking about sending her DD to preschool wherever I decide to send my DD, and then sending her to whatever private elementary I end up picking. This, of course, makes me sick to my stomach because I will be expected to "support" her whenever she has a problem with the school, and I really don't want to be in that position. I feel like she's trying to make it my responsability to find a school for her DD and my DD's responsability to help her DD adjust to preschool (she has more or less said so), and I am really not up to that, plus I don't think it's fair to my DD to be in that situation. I talked to her the other day, and she asked me if I was still considering the co-op she wanted to send her DD to. I said no, because I will have a 3-month old when school starts who I am not interested in leaving, and she got *upset* with me about it because she wanted us both to send out kids there (I don't know why she gets to pick where I send my kid).

Ughhhh... anyway, maybe I just need to ignore the problems with her DD and tell her that she's gotten out-of-control in the clinginess department.

[ThreeYell]

It's getting increasingly hard for me because I am getting frustrated with the constant drama and I'm kind of feel like I'm lying to her when I tell her everything is okay.

It sounds like you are saying something about her child's problems, you're just not saying what you believe. It's a really hard situation but I think you may be doing more harm than good by going along with your friend's rants. I wonder if, once this mom does try to get her DD help, she'll turn on you and blame you for never saying anything.

Saying something or not, it doesn't sound like you can win. I think in your shoes I'd be looking at a way to get out of the friendship, too.

[Sevilla]

That sounds like a toxic friendship - and at this point I think that being honest about your thoughts (whether in person or through a letter or phone call) will not only help you break out of the crazy cycle, it will also (hopefully) make your friends stop pulling you into her issues and might inspire her to back away from you a bit.

[lawyerlee]

Saying something or not, it doesn't sound like you can win. I think in your shoes I'd be looking at a way to get out of the friendship, too.
Same here. I know your heart is in the right place, and I don't think there is anything you can do that won't make things ugly between you and your friend.

[Sophia]

Even before your second post, I was thinking that yeah, I'd say something, because it would be driving me nuts to not speak up about something that is so obviously wrong. Do I think she'd take it well? No. Do I think she might get so upset the freiedship would be over? Quite probably. But I wouldn't be able to maintain a friendship like that, because of the toxicity, the issue of not advocating for her DD, who isn't getting the help she needs, and the issue of having your own DD put into the situation. It sounds like she's in major denial, and you're not doing her any favors by keeping silent and "agreeing" with her rants about everyone else. And when the crap finally hits the fan, she could very well turn on you for not speaking up, as others have pointed out.

I'd speak up the next time she complains about someone being negative--sort of, "Well, to be honest, I've been having the same concerns myself..." If she can listen to what you're saying, great! Her DD will be so much better off. And if she reacts the way she's reacted towards everyone else, well, it's not much of a friendship from your point of view anyway.

[Sevilla]

I would probably point blank say "i think you are in denial that your daughter is struggling with things outside the norm for kids her age and for her sake please open your eyes and get her evaluated and into physical therapy to help."

I think this mom needs to hear the term denial, and needs to hear that she is unfairly blaming others for causing situations that are most likely the result of her daughter's own issues (that can be helped and improved with good therapy, the sooner the better!). Her daughter having a special needs does not devalue her.

[Tray85]

I had a friend with two children like this. The good thing was that she (as hard as it was) admitted that they needed help. They got the help and are doing so well now. My friend is thrilled. I feel so sorry for your friend's daughter. She is doing her daughter a disservice for sure.

It does sound like you are getting very little out of this relationship. Its hard enough being a mom without someone sucking the life out of you! Sorry you are in this tough spot. I'd probably let the friendship fizzle too.

[Sal03]

I would probably point blank say "i think you are in denial that your daughter is struggling with things outside the norm for kids her age and for her sake please open your eyes and get her evaluated and into physical therapy to help."

I think this mom needs to hear the term denial, and needs to hear that she is unfairly blaming others for causing situations that are most likely the result of her daughter's own issues (that can be helped and improved with good therapy, the sooner the better!). Her daughter having a special needs does not devalue her.

ITA with this. My son has been all over Early Intervention and I just can not say enough about it. He has come such a long way since he was first evaluated and is just about at age appropriate levels now. He has a lot of anxiety issues so I feel really badly for this little girl. I agree that the term DENIAL is really important.

[catmom]

Thanks, ladies. I haven't spoken to her yet (mostly been dodging calls- it's hard to deal with right now because I'm not feeling well anyway).

I guess I just don't understand why she doesn't want to at least get things checked out- my DD went through a phase around 7 or 8 months when she suddenly stopped babbling, and I was on the phone with the EI people right away to arrange for a hearing screen and talk about getting her looked at. The thing that is really hard to understand is that she used to be a preschool special-ed teacher, so she knows that so much help is out there and how much of a difference it can make. I actually think her experience might be part of the problem- most of the kids she saw at work had pretty severe issues, so her view is that if the kid is developing more or less normally, there can't be a problem.

[LoveBeingAMommy]

Based on your second post, I'd say something to her. Better to do it now when you can talk to her in a rational way, than to wait until she does or says something that really upsets you. It sounds like she is in denial, which isn't doing her daughter any favors.