Wedding vent

[GeekGirl]

So, some close friends of mine and DH's are getting married in May. We're super excited for them! But in a totally selfish way, I'm really disappointed, hurt, and jealous. See, our entire group of friends is in the wedding party - except for me. DH and I are the newest members of the group, so I can understand why I wouldn't be asked to stand up - but one would think that those reasons would extend to my DH - WHO JUST GOT ASKED TO BE BEST MAN!! So now, not only will I not get to sit with any of my friends at the wedding, but I won't get to sit with my husband, either. And I've effectively been excluded from all things related to the wedding except for the wedding itself: I'm not invited to the bachelorette party, my help is not wanted in decorating or making favors, etc. I'm just so hurt...I'm actually closer to the bride and groom than my husband is, and I've known them longer. What gives?

I know that a bride and groom can ask whomever they like to stand up in their wedding party, and I'd never say anything to them about it or do anything to cause drama at their wedding. All I can really do is post this vent.

Grr. :(

Vent complete.

[jajacobsen]

I understand your feelings. I honestly think it was a little insensitive of teh couple to include your husband and not you!

(I think you are taking the correct approachj and just grin and bearing it...)

[PG-rated]

I don't blame you at all for being hurt. Of course it's their decision, but it's completely insensitive of them not to find some way to include you, plus it's just plain dumb of them to refuse free help.

Maybe they'll come around, considering they just asked DH to be best man? They might have a role for you as the wedding gets closer.

[kalogrias]

Just wanted to say that I sympathize and empathize. Last summer, a good friend of mine got married, and I was not asked to be in the wedding party. This was a woman whom I counseled through a stalker-boyfriend, whom I helped move (I carried her couch while she farted around with her new boyfriend!), whom I found a new apartment for, whom I went guy-trolling with (even though I was married!), and whom I always went above and beyond for. She lived with my DH (platonically) for a few years, and we became quite close.

The women that she asked to be in the party were all women she knew for longer than I, but 2 were people she complained about bitterly to me time and time again. I couldn't understand why she chose to have them in the bridal party over me, and I was pissed -- especially because she picked every.single.female.friend to be a part of the bridal party. She had seven BMs, and I was the only close friend not in there. Also, she seemed to think that I was her proxy BM because none of the friends she picked were into wedding planning, yet it seemed that I wasn't worth asking to actually be IN the wedding. It really made me sad and upset, and in the end, as awful as this is, it was the deciding factor in us not attending her wedding (plus, we live in Korea, and it just wasn't worth the $$ since we had a wedding to attend that same month in London).

I'm guessing the reason I wasn't asked was because she knew I was moving out of the country, but had she asked, I would have come back for the wedding. And if thought I wouldn't have been able to make it, it would have been nice to have had the option and to have known that she returned my feelings about her.

So, I feel for you. You're being much more mature about it than I was (not that I would have ever said anythign to her, but boy did I kick and scream about it to DH!).

[Weddings by]

:( I can kind of understand. My childhood best friend and lifelong friend didn't ask me to be in her wedding. I didn't say anything because I figured she had a reason; I just worked on being a better friend. A couple of years later, she sent me a card telling me that it was nice to know who her real friends really are. (Which was me.)

At the same time, I would definitely let her know that you want to sit with DH at the wedding--or have him tell the groom, whatever. Personally, I always think that it's silly to make the wedding party sit with the bride and groom. DH was in a wedding but I wasn't. He told them that he wanted to sit with his wife and daughter, and they arranged the seating to accommodate his wishes. The rest of the wedding party was happier with getting to sit with their spouses.

[kk junebug]

ouch.
i've knowm both friends who have been "denied" being in the wedding party AND brides who regret their bridal party decisions.

I'll agree w/a PP in hoping that maybe they'll come around and discover that you haven't been included in anything....?

but also, why wouldn't you be invited to the bach. party? is it strictly for the bridal party?

[tlew12778]

OK well while that totally sucks, there is no guarantee that the bridal party will all sit together at the wedding. Mine didn't. They all sat with their dates (if they brought them) at the tables surrounding our table.

How do you know you aren't invited to the bachelorette party? Wouldn't that be in April or May?

Perhaps they will ask you to do a reading or something. That is what I did to include the people who were important to me but not in the wedding party itself.

[GeekGirl]

The bride has been planning her wedding since she was about five years old, and she has an elaborate head table planned...telling her that I'd like to sit with my husband would likely cause a meltdown of epic proportions. I doubt I'll be asked to do a reading as it will be a pagan ceremony, and I guess there has to be symmetry in this kind of ceremony - 4 males and 4 females. And the bachelorette party is going to be bridesmaids only. :( It's just the sort of situation where I'm the odd man out who doesn't fit in with the plan. I mean, I'm a big girl and I've been in situations where I've had to entertain myself before, and I know I'm being completely selfish - but man, it stinks being on the outside of a group I was inside first.

And it just sucks because my hubby is SO excited to be best man, so he talks about it ALL.THE.TIME. So it's like, "HEY, LET ME REMIND YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN OF THAT THING YOU WISH YOU WERE A PART OF BUT AREN'T AND I AM!!!!!"

Maybe I'll just take my camera and play assistant photographer. That would at least keep me busy. :p

ETA: And thanks for letting me vent without telling me what a horrible person I am! :)

[jajacobsen]

Recently I was not asked to be a bridesmaid for my friend J, event though I was definitely more there for her during wedding planning than any of her other friends were. I went to all the dress fittings (her mom lived far away), helped with invitations, etc...

I understand why. I was a relatively new friend and she felt that she needed to ask her roommates/sorority sisters/wives of groomsmen,etc... I also would have been significantly older than all teh others.

She brought up the topic and that was all that needed to be done. I told her I was more than happy to be involved, but to wear whatever I wanted to the wedding and just attend and be a happy guest (and I was).

[Hello Kitty]

Bleck - that sucks. I hear ya! I not only wasn't asked to be a BM for my college BF/roomie's wedding, I wasn't invited at all. :( But, I know how bad it sucks to plan a wedding too, so I vented, and decided to move on with our friendship, and it did work out in the end. :)

[snowzilla]

That sucks. I totally understand where you're coming from. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, although about a year after the wedding was over, the bride actually told me that she regretted not asking me (but at the time, like you, I was the "newest" in the group).

I think you're totally doing the right thing by grinning and bearing it (and venting about it here instead).

[MidwesternGal]

I'm sorry! I think 2 of my girlfriends were hurt I didn't ask them to be in my bridal party, but I wanted my two BFF to be in it, and DH honestly didn't know enough people to add 2 more to the BP on the men's side. Maybe your friends future DH doesn't have enough male friends/enough *mature* male friends to be a best man?


You are handling it VERY maturely!! Just look at the positives--you can wear whatever you want, it's less expensive than if you both were in the BP, if the dance sucks, you can go sit in the hot tub at the hotel until your DH gets home, etc. I'd just look at it like that.

[kd 9.21.02]

Hmm... Not fun. Why in the world aren't you (or any other non-bridesmaid GFs) invited to the bachelorette party? That sounds totally odd to me. All the b-parties I've heard of/been to are always "the more the merrier."

[AmandaLeigh]

I'd be a little bit irritated, but really there is not much you can do about it. She may have promised her bridesmaids years ago, before she was even dating someone, that they could be a bridesmaid. I'd be more upset about being excluded from the bachlorette party.

[jennylou]

Ugh, I so wanted to have more girls as BMs, but unfortunately, my husband was insistent on even numbers and could only choose three guys that he wanted to stand up with him. And if someone had asked me to sit with their spouse I would have told them no. I wasn't a bridezilla, by any means, but a head table with the whole bridal party is just what is done around here and I wanted to do it.

[coquelicot]

I can understand needing a cut-off for the number of BMs, but in your shoes, I'd be a bit miffed, too, if I weren't invited to the bachelorette party or, at the very least, allowed to sit with my DH at the reception. My DH is the best man at a wedding next month, and I'm not in it at all, but that's understandable considering that I hardly know the bride, and DH and the groom have been best friends since age 5. And I really don't expect to be invited to the bach. party because it's an out-of-town wedding, anyway. But yeah, I do hope that they realize that married couples want to sit together at the reception. I won't know too many other people there. At my BFF's wedding, they had it set up so that the non-wedding-party spouses could do that. Probably instead of you asking the bride about the seating arrangement, have your DH ask the groom about it, and maybe drop that subtle hint about how he would just *die* if his wife couldn't sit with him. ;) Men are a little more laid-back about that kind of thing, I think.

Good luck, and way to be mature about it!

[Natasha]

Gah, that sucks! I don't think you are being a horrible person at all! It stinks that you probably won't get to sit next to Kroy, and aren't invited to the bachelorette party, either. It also stinks that with him as the BM, you will be subjected to hurtful wedding crap from here till the wedding day. I hope, if you or Kroy mentions it, they will accommodate you guys, and let you sit next to each other. Basically, I'm just sorry some people suck.

But, uh, my bachelorette party is next week and you're more than welcome to come... :p

[GiaGia]

Sounds like a sucky situation all around:( When my dh and I were married, we didn't have a traditional head table, just a small round table that was only us. (I think they call them 'sweetheart tables' or something similar) and then the wedding party and spouses/family sat at another couple of tables near our family's and hosts' table. Maybe you could suggest it (or your dh could suggest it) and hope she goes along with it? I wouldn't push it on her, but maybe just saying something like you read about in a magazine and thought was a cool idea. BTW, I think it sounds like a great idea to play photographer and I'm sure you're friends would appreciate it (i know i would have!) and it'd keep you busy.

Also, since it sounds like they just asked your dh to be best man, maybe they don't have all the details worked out yet and plan to include you but just haven't yet?