Particularly demanding toddler has burned me out

[dziner]

My 19 month old is very, very demanding. Not only does she want me to be next to her every single second (that means carrying on if I go to the potty or go pour a glass of water), but that's not even enough. I have to be the one operating the toy, making the stuffed animal dance, entertaining her, etc. I just hate doing this. I am willing to get on the floor and do things with her, but I feel she should want to play with these toys on her own to an extent (or with other kids around), and it's making me so resentful. If I sit down, she commands me to get up. If I go where she tells me to go, that's not "right" either. I'm not even sure what it is that she wants a lot of the time. If I try to initiate an activity, like going outside to blow bubbles or play with chalk together, she'll agree to it and then pitch a fit b/c that means she has to put her shoes on and leave her lovey inside, so we end up spending a half hour going back and forth and getting nowhere. The whole situation has really depressed me and made me very unhappy being at home with her all day. I don't want to wish my child was different, but honestly I do.

I don't know who to go to for help about this. I called the non-profit organization Zero to Three yesterday and left a message asking for advice on where to seek support, but no one has called me back. I just reserved The Baby Whisperer for parents of toddlers at the library and plan to read it ASAP. I am partway through Parenting Your Spirited Child but frankly feel it is meant for parents of older children and am having a hard time finding helpful info that I can use now. Has anyone felt like this? Do you have any advice?

[maggieb]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to offer my support and a shoulder to cry on. I'm so sorry it's getting to be so bad. I hope that Ava turns a corner soon.

[SiValleySteph]

Can you send her to a preschool or mother's morning out type of thing for a couple mornings a week?

It sounds like you need a break from your DC which is very difficult when you are a SAHM. Spending every day all day with any person would probably cause you to get a bit tired of that person (no matter how much you love them).

My son is only 10 months and I WOH, so I don't even spend nearly as much time with him as you do with your daughter and it is still draining when he insisits to be held by mom (dad is not okay) or be playing with mom or be attached to mom, even when mom just wants to go to the bathroom!! I don't feel burnt out because I do spend the time at work, but I imagine I would feel that way if I was with him 24/7.

So even though I can't totally relate, I wanted to offer my support!

[dziner]

Thanks, Maggie. :o

Steph, I haven't had any luck finding a program like that. There are NO Moms Mornings Out around here, which is incredible, and we are planning to send her to preschool down the street and that doesn't start till age two. She'll be two at the end of the year, but they nearly never accept kids in January, and even if there was a spot, she would be so young compared to the other kids! I don't know of any 18 mo programs near us that don't have mile-long wait lists or cost $1000s. Literally. I am trying desperately to find a sitter for an afternoon a week just to give me a break, and so far I am coming up empty. You'd think in a big metropolitan area it'd be easy to do, wouldn't you? But even if and when I get that solved, I don't want to dread coming home from my little time out. I don't want to hate getting up in the morning b/c this kid is going to smother me (and the very moment she opens her eyes she starts calling "Mama, mama, mama" until I show up.) But I totally feel smothered and bossed around and all the rest.

[knzbound]

I'm sorry Ava is such a handful right now. I can totally understand feeling resentful for having to the be the great entertainer (among other things) 24/7.

I don't have much in the way of advice and I know this isn't the greatest solution, but I have adopted a bit of the "pick your battles" solution to leaving lovey in the house, wearing sandals instead of sneakers when it's freezing here, whatever. I figure if it isn't imperiling her, she can do it. I.e., I don't like it, but DD brings her pink puppy EVERYWHERE. God forbid we should leave that thing at home, in the car, or in the stroller or it's a major meltdown tantrum when the least little thing goes wrong and there is no Baba to comfort her. So, I bring it. It's one less thing for us to "fight" about when we're trying to leave the house.

I am a full-time SAHM, but I do take DD to a sitter two mornings a week and it is the best thing. Just knowing on Monday morning when I wake up that I will have two chunks of time to myself helps me get through the week. Worth every penny and then some.

GTG, but just wanted to offer my support.

[margiepgh]

Hi dziner - I'm sorry to hear that Ava is being difficult and want to offer you my support. My situation is a bit different since I WOH. I really think our kids are just at that age when separation anxiety peaks. My DS has been alot more clingy lately than normal.

To keep my DS interested in his toys, I have been rotating them. When he wakes up and sees a toy that he hasn't played with in a few weeks, it holds his attention alot longer. I've also found that my DS loves household objects much more than toys. He can literally play for a hour with a broom and dustpan. He also likes to play with a metal bowl and spoon and pretend to mix and taste when I am cooking. Really any common household object (such as combs, brushes, cups, etc.) is more fun than a toy, He also loves to just goof around outside and just look/point at things.

[dziner]

knz, maybe I should give in on the lovey thing. I just hate when it gets so gross and she's all sucking on it and everything. I really am trying like hell to find a sitter just for a little break and I can't believe how difficult it is! I think it's b/c it's summer; when all the college kids come back it should be easier. Just a few more weeks...

margie, Ava also likes household things, but it's the same scenario. She just doesn't play on her own, not for more than a few moments. If she's playing with her bag of barrettes, she wants me to put them all in her hair and then remove them. We just painted our basement to make a playroom for her and most of the toys were tucked away for a couple months so they are all "new" to her. She wants ME to get on the rocking horse, to push the button that makes it whinny. She wants ME to push the corn popper around the room. Just how is that fun for either of us??? You are so lucky David will just sit and be interested in something.

[lauren f s]

Are there any nearby churches that offer Mother's Day Out programs? Most around here have 2 as the youngest age, but I've called around and a few will accept my Ava. We're thinking of doing this so I can get a little break twice a week. Maybe you could call around and see what you find?

Other than that, I can't offer much but my support. I hope it gets better for both of you.

[dziner]

Nope. At least none that I can find. I've looked throughout the local listserv and other moms have asked in vain as well.

[2labradogs]

I have toddler boys (17 months) that also demand constant attention from me - either playing with them or making sure they are not getting into trouble. I know it gets a bit tiresome after a while. I agree with Steph that you would really benefit from having a babysitter a couple times a week to come over and entertain Ava for a bit while you did errands or just read a book. I know having help keeps me sane, plus it give my boys a little variety instead of just having Mom to play with all day. I have had my nanny for over a year now and found her through my twin moms club - maybe your local moms club can help you find someone. I have also found excellent babysitters/mother's helpers through craigslist. Good luck.

[lauren f s]

Does Ava like to help you with your daily activities around the house? Today, for instance, I was dusting and picking up toys. My Ava ran to grab her little rag (I keep clean ones in her toy box) and helped me dust, put up toys, and tried to help me vacuum. Tell her you're going to vacuum while she dusts, then give her the rag and kind of show her what to do. Split things up like that and maybe having her help you with little things would get her started on doing things alone.

[SiValleySteph]

I was just coming back to recommend Craig'sList, but I see 2LabraDogs beat me to it! I have friends who have had success finding nannies there and when I looked into it, there were many nannies/babysitters advertising on there. I'm not sure how active it is in DC, but it might be worth checking out.

Also, I'm sure there are some things your daughter does that just make you melt and swell up with love. Maybe when she is being particularly demanding, you could try and picture one of those times? I know it sounds really hokey, but I have found thinking positively has really helped me with parenting. Not to say there aren't time I don't get to the end of my rope and have to just put DS down and walk away for a minute to regroup, but in general, it has really helped me when I feel more irritated than loving.

[margiepgh]

You are so lucky David will just sit and be interested in something.

Well, it's not quite that good. I still have keep a close eye on him to make sure he does break a window or chandelier with the broomstick or nick the furniture with the spoon. ;)

Is there any way you could exchange babysitting services with one of your mom friends. Maybe you could watch their child for a morning a week and they could watch Ava one morning a week.

[jay&erinn]

dziner: Just wanted to offer some support. My DD is 22 months, and the demanding part of her is getting slightly better. I also have to be at her side non-stop. If I walk upstairs to get clothes, change the laundry, etc and don't take her with me, she stands at the bottom of the steps bawling hysterically like I'm never coming back (I'm waiting for her to figure out that if she pulls hard enough on the gate, it will come down :rolleyes: ). A few months ago I couldn't do anything other than entertain her. Now she'll sit and look at books while I sit next to her (not for long, but long enough to keep me from pulling my hair out), and I can't leave the room. Making dinner is a chore since she pitches a fit and keeps saying, I see, I see. Putting her in a booster seat so she can see isn't good enough, she wants to be held. It's very frustrating. Have you tried just refusing and riding out the tantrum? That's the only way I got anywhere. I'll actively play with her for quite a while, and then bring a book in the room, sit on the floor and read. I wouldn't say I ignore her, but when she reaches for my book I tell her it's mommy's and here is hers. It took awhile for her to catch on, but now she'll entertain herself for a short period of time- of course she sits so close she's basically on top of me during that time, but I'll take that over having to entertain non-stop. Good luck.

[yoganut]

I mainly wanted to come in and offer support. I WOH, but have definitely had weekends with DS lately where I feel like I need a day to recover. He has a pretty intense personality and just goes non-stop. Hang in there.

We send DS to daycare through a Baptist church nearby. We don't belong to the church, but have been exceptionally happy with their program. I have seen flyers around there for MOPs (Mothers Of Preschoolers) which is a national support and resource organization for moms with kids from birth to K. I don't know how faith-based they are, or what your personal position is, but thought I would throw this out as an idea. They have a website (mops.org) and you can search for a group close by. Maybe they might know of moms morning out programs or have ideas about sitters? Just a thought. Take care and congrats on your baby boy on the way! :)

[Katie]

I have been thinking about your situation and thought I'd give you my 2 cents. I am a therapist with a lot of parenting experience with kids ages 2 and up. What first came to mind - what I would tell a parent - might be to try to get her involved in some sort of activity - maybe even introduce a brand new toy. Then tell her that you are going to do whatever (make a phone call, vaccum, get dressed, etc). Walk away - see if you can leave the room (or even just be across the room from her) and wait 30 seconds to a minute. Then go back to her and praise effusively her for "playing all by herself" or "playing like a big girl", something like that. Walk away and wait another minute, go back in and praise her again. Continue to do this and make the intervals that you wait longer and longer. I wouldn't even actually try to get anything done - just tell you that you have a chore, but really just wait and keep going back in. This may take some time - you may have to try this once or twice a day for a few days/week before you notice a difference.

And the intervals at first may be really short - maybe it's only for 10-20 seconds at a time if she can't wait for the 30-60 seconds to start, but gradually build it up. I know that this has got to be exhausting. I have a 4 month old that is just starting this same behavior, screaming whenever I leave his sight. Good luck to you!

[knzbound]

I know it can be so hard to find a sitter...I just had another thought...Do you have any nearby moms, or maybe the moms in your playgroup, with whom you can set up an even babysitting exchange? One of the women in my babysitting co-op (another option, although it can take a long while to churn up interest and get something like that going) watches a friend's child every Tues. am and then that friend watches her child every Thurs. It's a great break for both moms and it's free. Of course that means you have double toddler trouble for one morning a week, but the break you'd get later could be worth it. Also, although it can be a challenge dividing your time between two, just seeing another kid can sometimes break DD of the never-ending demands?

I have exchanged a few times through my co-op, sometimes for date nights where DH stays home and watches DD and I go over to another mom's house and watch her DD, and sometimes during the day for 2-3 hours while the other mom goes to an appt. or haircut or errand or something. I always sort of dread having to put in my time--or take one for the team as DH puts it--but it's so worth it when payback comes. We use the website babysitterexchange.com to keep track of hours and it keeps things fair, I think.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. Also nanny and/or babysitting shares are popular around here because babysitting is so friggin' expensive. I did that with a friend for a while and it worked out great. Paid the sitter $18 to watch 2 kids instead of $13 for one.

[mamax2]

I think the PP gave really good advice about praising your DD when she does play on her own. Whenever I'm trying to get my DD to do something on her own (that she can handle, but just doesn't want to) if she tries I make a really big deal out of it and say "Are you proud?! You must be so proud of yourself! You must feel so good that you did that on your own!"

Independence does blossom with age and I think this is a phase w/your DD, but I also think you can incent her towards more independent play - in small doses. Also, she probably senses your frustration and is reacting to it. Try giving her 15-20 minutes of totally devoted, child centered play and really have fun w/it before you even attempt to encourage 'alone time'

I was also wondering if take your DD to any classes - Gymboree, Mommy & Me, Playgroups, etc.? I found that the power of peer pressure is amazing. The more my DD saw other kids doing things, the more she wanted to participate and leave the nest a bit. Now, just shy of two, we have given her the nickname 'Selfy' since that's all we hear these days - 'Do it selfy!'

[dziner]

Thanks for the advice, Katie. I will definitely give it a shot.

margie, we actually gave the co-op thing a try with my playgroup but it just didn't work out. They all have either family or their own sitters that they use regularly. I have "stolen" a sitter or two but no one during the day which is hard to find.

jay&erinn, thanks also for the support. I am crossing my fingers this is just a phase she'll outgrow...

yoganut, I will check out that site and see if they have anything that might be of help...thanks!

[dziner]

Sorry, wanted to reply and then was sidetracked before I saw there were more replies!!

knz, as I said the co-op thing didn't pan out with us for whatever reason. Too much coordination required? Not sure. I will try and think if there is another mom nearby who might be interested in this setup. It's ridiculously expensive here too and that has been a deterrent for me in the past to really looking for someone regular.

mamax2, I appreciate the input. I remember LeighW advised spending a good 30-40 minutes together before trying to slip away and I have done that but she somehow gets all mad anyway. I'm not sure what'll be the trick with this one.

[ellybelle]

Just thought I'd send you some support! I think a lot of kids are going through a "clingy" phase at this stage. Sofi was clingy at around 19 months, but has been less so lately.
Another thing you could try is sort of scheduling "independent" time. There are certain times during the day when I read, go online, or whatever. Sofi watches tv or plays independently during those times, and I'm nearby but not actively involved.
Since it happens at more or less the same time everyday, she's used to it.

You might try gradually prolonging times when you'll be there, but expect her to play on her own. Explain that that's what you are going to do, and it will be over really soon. When she gets demanding, just keep ignoring her until the "time" is over. You could even use a timer or something. She'll probably get po'ed at first, but maybe if you do it day in and day out, she'll get used to it (kinda like sleep training?)

[dziner]

Elly, good to see you here. Funny how you likened it to ST; maybe this should be PT - play training! We've always had a routine like you've described but lately it hasn't gone too well. I'll check mail during Sesame Street and then pop in the shower, but whereas she used to be pretty involved with Elmo, now she whines to get in my lap or cries outside the shower curtain, wanting me to get out. Not sure what's changed.

Today I tried doing the effusive praise after she played by herself for a short bit. I'll keep doing it and see if it registers with her at all.

BTW, I have taken several classes with her and she was hit or miss doing things. Definitely attached to me, but some days were better than others as far as her involvement in the activities. With my current pregnancy (a belated thanks, yoganut, and right back atcha! ;) ) I had to go on a very modified activity schedule so I had to freeze my gym membership. Up till then we went a couple mornings a week and she went into childcare. That was also a crapshoot; most of the time she was fine but in recent months I could hear her wailing over the noise of the music and equipment! So I'm not sure if being with me and never with a sitter-type person has made things worse or if the timing is just coincidence. I just unfroze my membership and am going to try going next week, even if it means holing up with a magazine in the locker room for an hour (maggie's suggestion! to get a break and get her used to other people being with her again. I'm pretty worried about how she'll do though based on the last time we went.

[cantwait]

My 14-month old is also very demanding of my attention and has recently entered a "don't leave me" phase. I sympathize with what you are saying and hope that it doesn't last until 22 months, as another poster said! I would suggest trying to leave the house if you get overwhelmed. My DS will settle down once he's in the car or out running errands - he loves being in the shopping cart and going out to eat. I find on days when I am at the end of my rope that a simple trip to the grocery store can save my sanity. I think he just gets bored and he doesn't know how to communicate that. I would definitely stop giving in to your DD's every demand - it sounds like you are just beginning to resent her, which isn't a good situation. I'd also recommend Gymboree or another similar program - it has worked wonders for my spirited toddler. The socialization and change of pace from the daily routine really helps. And I am definitely going to try Katie's suggestion.

I sometimes have similar feelings that you are describing and I feel so guilty admitting it, because all I've ever wanted was to SAH, and we are making sacrifices to do it. This is a phase and it won't last forever, right? Hang in there.

[bostonmom]

I can really relate to your post. Please try out Craigslist.org; and search under childcare or create your own free post to try and find a part time sitter. I found a great first grade teacher that has been coming in once a week for 3 hrs in the am and it has helped out so much! My daughter is almost 2 and is very demanding and needy and active and spirited! I have had some friends also recommend the Spirited Child book but I have not checked it out yet. I have no real advice but to suggest trying to get your daughter around other kids as much as possible. It seems like she is just bored and would thrive around more activity. I did find a toddler program for 2 year olds at a local preschool so my daughter will be attending in the fall for 3 mornings a week. WE also go out a lot and try to find other kids whether it be at the park or library or wherever. Just hang in there and know it will get better once she can talk and communicate with you more. :)

[dziner]

can'twait, thanks for the suggestions. Unfortunately, whereas DD used to love the supermarket, now it's the place where she battles me most often in public as she wants to walk around on her own, pull products down off the shelves, and lie down in the aisles. :rolleyes: Up until recently it was great fun for her to ride in the cart and "help" me. We do have quite a few playdates along with playgroup and classes, plus we go swimming several afternoons a week. It's just baffling to me that she would rather pile stuff in my lap during these times than explore the toys or interact with other kids in some way.

bostonmon, I am a craigslist junkie!! I am currently combing that, a forum called DC Urban Mom, and a university job board trying to find a good sitter. We get out a lot also, going to libraries, music hours at the local coffee shop, story times, etc. I can't stand to be stuck in the house b/c she is more demanding at home when there's no other distraction. And at the music hour I get an iced coffee. ;)

Been gushing whenever Ava plays independently for any length of time and will see how it goes. Keep the suggestions coming please, in case there is anything I have yet to try...

[knzbound]

Does Ava have any music she really likes, or really responds to? We've taken two Music Together classes (similar to Kindermusik and other kiddie music programs), both of which included a cd and tape of the music we sing in class. G is hopelessly devoted to these two cds and asks to play them over and over again at home. So we do...but I've also found that when she is really in freakout/meltdown/terrible toddler mode, if I say I'm going to put on her music, she calms down, and then calms down further when the music starts. (We also have a tape in the car, for car meltdowns and attempts to keep her awake past naptime!) And, aside from its calming effect, she will also *sometimes* rock out to the music on her own, or just sit on the sofa and listen, whithout me having to entertain her. Definitely painful on the mama to hear the same songs over and over and over again, but I feel better about her listening to music than watching videos or tv.

Just a thought. Have a good weekend!

[Cat Bride]

how about joining a local mother's group? this helped me a lot when DD turned 6 months. OUr mom's group pairs 8-9 moms in 6 month increments (Jan-Jun and Jul-Dec babies) so DD gets to play with toddler her age while mommies get a little social time in. we rotate homes each week so the kids get to see play with other kids toys and with each other. we also go to parks, pools, baby gyms and do mom's night out.

also, how about signing her up for some classes like music, gym or swimming? being with other toddlers gives her a break from you plus they get to play with different toys, get a change of scenery, etc...

also, is there part time work you could do? i started to consult when DD was 10 months on part time basis 3 times a week and it's a great mental and social break. DD goes to homecare and gets to play with cool toys and interact with other kids all day...plus i get to "appreciate" her a lot because i don't see her that much...

my almost 15 month is also very high maintenence so these things have been a lifesaver....

good luck...

ETA: just wanted to add that many cities have nursery coops, the number of days/hours they attend depends on your child's age. you help us in the classroom at least once a week so it's relatively inexpensive and gives you at least one or two mornings to yourself. plus dd gets to play with other kids and you get a lot of acitivity ideas and parenting tips.

[dziner]

Hi cat, thanks for the ideas. As I said, we are in a playgroup and do playdates several times a week, so DD definitely has opportunity and encouragement for interaction; she just wants me to be her playmate all the time. Believe me, we have a very active social life! :) I also run a small home-based business and have done so for years...my goal is to increase business enough to hire someone to help out with the kid/s so I can work more during the day (currently I work during naps and after bedtime) but it's easier said than done.

[lauren f s]

Have you tried having your DH doing an activity with Ava on the weekends? Kris has just started taking my Ava to swimming lessons on Saturdays and it's wonderful having some time to myself. I've even encouraged him to make a morning of it, they get up early, go to breakfast, then go swimming. They have a morning together and I get a few hours alone. We all win.

[dziner]

Yeah, right! That sounds like a wonderful idea if I didn't have a workaholic husband. I think that has a lot to do with my emotions in all this b/c I can't ever unload Ava on him...he has too much on his plate. We've discussed it many times, believe me. I love the sound of that, breakfast and activity...good father/daughter time. I feel like everyone has had great suggestions, many/most of which I'm either doing already or find roadblocks in my way. Hopefully the students will be back within a few weeks and ready to babysit, which will give me a break and get Ava used to being with someone else so she's not so clingy. And also hopefully the continued encouragement for playing independently will give her some more confidence. So far it seems to be helping some.

[dziner]

bumping up for the SAHM stress thread...many thanks again to all those who posted. Things are much better here, thank goodness. I also recommend the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers book for some helpful advice.