Adoptive Parents and Parents to Be

[ginadc]

Since so many of us appear to have migrated over here, I thought I'd revive the Adoptive Parents thread from the Voldemort board. Are you an adoptive parent already? Planning to adopt? Just beginning the process, halfway through, or about to bring your new child home? Domestic or international? What's it been like for you?

There are so many different issues that come up with adoption--everything from how to tell a child their birth story to dealing with interracial families to relationships with birthparents--along with all the other questions, joys, and worries that accompany becoming a parent. Let's talk about them all here!

Since I'm not sure who's here and who's not, I won't just repost the list of thread members from the other thread. So if you are an adoptive parent or about to be one, or just thinking about it, and want to talk about it, please sign in!

Name Gina
Married May 03
Age 38
Reason for Adopting We were about to start TTCing when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in April of 04. I dubbed myself the Cancer Slayer and can happily report that my fabulous doctors and I kicked Lumpy's butt. Chemotherapy did render me temporarily menopausal, though that reversed itself, but the doctors still get very twitchy at the idea of a pregnancy soon after breast cancer--they would want me to wait at least 3 years, at which point I'll be 41, which makes pregnancy somewhat unlikely. The docs are very supportive of our adoption plans, though!
Type of Adoption Domestic this time 'round; if we go a second time, we may consider international again (have researched both).
Adoption Status MATCHED! A wonderful prospective birthmother chose us on July 7 to parent her boy-girl twins ( :D :eek: ), due in mid-September. We are in the midst of a wild ride of preparation and emotion right now.

[Bella213]

Hi Gina

Congrats on being matched!!! :D That's awesome! I finally got my first phone call on the 800#. It wasn't a match for Patrick and I but I did pass the call on to our attorneys office so that maybe they could match her up with one of the other couples he has. We just got back from a 2 week vacation in Ibiza, Spain so I have been out of the loop for a couple of weeks. So did all the girls from WC move over here? It looks like just you and summerseven. We have to recruit the others :)

I will make sure I check in here everyday from now on.

Talk to you soon

Anna

[Bella213]

Anna- 39
Patrick- 38
Married- 9/6/2001
Reason for Adopting - 1 Pregnancy on IVF Cycle #9 m/c 6 weeks, 4 additional IVF cycles- Failed
Type of Adoption- Domestic private adoption
Adoption Status - Waiting for that special call

[kbgirl28]

Hi all! I am from the WC. On CC there is this thread (in the Pregnancy and Beyond section) called Adoptive Parents and Parents to Be and another one (in the Family Planning section) called Adoption. Which one do we use? Thanks! Glad to find you all! Take Care! I am also going to post this same question in the other thread.

[lawyerlee]

Hello! :) I'm really excited to find other adoptive or to-be adoptive parents to chat with.

Me: Diana, 27
Hubby: Cliff, 29
Wedding Date: 11-30-02
Reason/Decision to adopt: want to/health
Type of Adoption: international or domestic infant

One of the big reasons that adoption is appealing to me because I suffer from chronic migraines, and the idea of going off my daily meds to TTC really worries me. I think adoption would be a really good way to start our family without compromising my health. I don't know if I'd be a very good mother if I was sick all the time.

My good friend from law school and her husband are in the process of adopting a baby boy from Korea. It's something she's wanted to do for a long time, and I've always been supportive of her desire to do so, but I didn't know whether it was something I could see myself doing or not.

I'm not completely locked into the idea of an international adoption, as I'd think it might be slightly more feasible for us to adopt domestically. I do, however, want to adopt an infant. I would adopt an infant of any ethnicity, though I'd probably aim for an African/African-American or mixed race child because I am white and my husband is black and it just seems that it would make sense. Does anyone know if it might be easier to find an infant to adopt of these backgrounds?

I think my husband Cliff is on board with this now that we've had a chance to talk things through a bit, and he understands my concerns about not going off my migraine prevention meds. However, I think we both would still want to try to have a biological baby or two down the road.

Has anyone done an international adoption or checked into it? From what I can tell so far, Ethiopia is really the only African nation with the ideal scenario for our desires. The waiting period can be pretty short, there isn't any kind of residency requirement, and your baby can even be escorted home for you (for a fee, of course). I know that it will be quite expensive, so it isn't something we could do right away because we aren't financially prepared for that. However, I think we'd be ready in the same time frame as we would be to TTC. My husband is working on completing his undergraduate degree in education, so my thought is that if we do our research and make up our minds from now until he graduates and starts teaching, we would then be ready to start the adoption process right away. Knowing we'd have to wait at least a few months at a minimum, the timing would be just about perfect for us. :)

[kbgirl28]

Hello everyone! Good to see some people I am already familiar with and great to learn about new people!!!

Name: kbgirl28
Married: 5/03
Age: 35
Reason for adopting (optional): Life long dream, and some health issues (may still try to have biological children)
Type of adoption: International/China
Status: We are waiting on our referral. We are expecting it at the end of this month or possibly September!!!

We started our journey back on September 2004. Our paperwork finally got sent to China in February 2005 and we have been waiting ever since. We are so excited!

GinaDC, Congratualtions on being matched--any updates? So happy for you!

Summerseven, keep us posted on the progress. Sept 12th is just around the corner.

Bella213, Sorry to hear your first call wasn't a match, but I know the perfect match will come--just be patient. Any updates for us?

lawyerlee, thanks for sharing your story with us. Good luck in your research and in your decision to adopt or not. Looking forward to hearing more.

Take Care All. Hope all is well!!!

[Bella213]

Welcome Lawyerlee & kbgirl28

Lawyerlee- I think you will probably have a better chance of adopting African/African-American or mixed race child here in the US. The call I received was from a BM who was hispanic/african american and the father was caucasian. I passed the information on to our attorneys office since this was not a match for us. We joined the Adoptive Parents Committee in our State/County. So we do a lot of networking within the group and everyone has everyone elses business cards just incase a situation like this occurs. We looked at international adoption but it wasn't right for us. The travel and the waiting period was too much for us. So we decided to stay within the US and go through an attorney instead. We are in the stage of the waiting game now.

Anyway, I need to run because I have to give my dogs a bath. I will catch up with you all later.

Anna

[bookworm]

I'm not a parent (adoptive or otherwise), but I have a cousin from Guatemala (he is now almost 5). I saw ginadc's question about birth stories, and wanted to reply. Obviously, my cousin is young, and issues may still arise. However, at this point, he is very comfortable with 2 versions of the story. One is (when his little friend's mom was expecting her 2nd) that "mama didn't carry me in her belly; she carried me in her arms." Now that he's a little older, he'll tell you that when he was a little baby in Guatemala, he had a different mama, but then his mama came to pick him up and now he has mama and (insert other various family members).

(My aunt is a single mom, which is why there is no mention of "dad" in these stories :) ).

[jen71]

I popped in on the thread at WC.

I just wanted to say a HUGE congratulations to Gina & your husband. WOW! Twins! That is awesome. I have goosebumps for you right now.

We adopted our daughter Cassidy, she turned one in July. We did a private adoption. Congrats to all on your decision to adopt, it is a wonderful thing.

[DallasLady]

I'm not completely locked into the idea of an international adoption, as I'd think it might be slightly more feasible for us to adopt domestically. I do, however, want to adopt an infant. I would adopt an infant of any ethnicity, though I'd probably aim for an African/African-American or mixed race child because I am white and my husband is black and it just seems that it would make sense. Does anyone know if it might be easier to find an infant to adopt of these backgrounds?

Thanks for referring me to this thread Diana! DH and I are having some fertility issues. We have decided not to go too high-tech with our treatments, though. We are going to do a few rounds of insemination (IUI) and if that doesn't work, we will move to adoption.

We are also wanting an African-American or biracial child (for the same reasons) and yes, it is much easier to . Many agencies can have you matched withing 3-6 weeks or being approved.

CHeck out this site:
http://www.africanamericanadoptionsonline.com/

[Lil_Mrs_0702]

My name is April.
Married July 2, 2005
Age 21 DH- 24
Reason to adopt: We truly find it to be a privilege and a resposibility to adopt. My husband was adopted by his great-aunt at 10 months, and is so greatful for her. We know that we have the love in our hearts to raise any child.

Our plan: We are far from being able to adopt right now. Newlyweds in a small apartment. I want to start the investigating now so that we can set goals on where we need to be in the next 5-10 years to adopt. We want to give birth to one child and to adopt a child between the age of 3-7. I understand that it may be difficult for either child, but I know my husband and I can provide an enviroment where they both feel extremely loved and extremely lucky to be in our home.

I am really excited to find this site. It would really help me to find out where you ladies found the information and criteria to adopt.

[jen71]

Two agencies to look into:

OPen door adoptions, Bethany home Christian adoptions.

Neither care about your religion, but they have a good reputation. One gal I know has a biracial baby- Caucasion & Hispanic, another Caucasion & African American.

[DallasLady]

I would love you hear your opinions on this: (especially you, Diana, you always have an opinion on everything ;) )

Here is the fee schedule for an adoption agency. This fee schedule is very much in line with what most adoption agencies charge.

~~~~~~~~

https://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/pre_app

TRADITIONAL I PROGRAM
The adoption of all non-African-American (i.e. Caucasion, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, etc. or any non-African American combination of races) healthy newborns and infants.
Average Wait - 9 to 18 months.
Parent Eligibility - Couples only, married a minimum of two years between 25 and 45 years of age with no more than one child.
Fee Schedule - The average total cost is $20,000-$25,000.

TRADITIONAL II PROGRAM
The adoption of all non-African-American (i.e. Caucasion, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, etc. or any non-African American combination of races) healthy newborns and infants.
Average Wait - 3 to 9 months.
Parent Eligibility - Couples only, married a minimum of two years between 25 and 50 years of age with no more than two children at home.
Fee Schedule - The average total cost is $27,000-$35,000.

AGENCY ASSISTED PROGRAM
The adoption of African-American (or any race combined with African-American heritage) healthy newborns and infants.
Average Wait - 1 to 9 months.
Parent Eligibility - Couples only, married a minimum of two years between 25 and 55 years of age. Number of children at home may vary.
Fee Schedule - The average total cost is $12,000-$19,000.

~~~~~~~~

Part of me thinks this is great because I would want a black or biracial child and with the $10,000 tax credit, an adoption would be very affordable.

Another part of me gets this image of the black babies sitting on a shelf with a big sign saying red "Sale!" sign at Walmart

[kbgirl28]

Hi all. Hope everyone is doing well and that everyone had a great holiday weekend! We found out on Sept 2 that DH and I have a daughter! She was born in the Hunan Province of China and is 8 months old. We will hopefully be bringing her home in 1-2 months. Just thought I'd share.............Take Care!!

[Summerseven]

Congratulations!!!
She's beautiful! Im so happy for you! I needed some good news :)

[Lil_Mrs_0702]

Part of me thinks this is great because I would want a black or biracial child and with the $10,000 tax credit, an adoption would be very affordable.

Another part of me gets this image of the black babies sitting on a shelf with a big sign saying red "Sale!" sign at Walmart

I don't really get why there is less of a demand to adopt a black child? I have encountered many children of all races that have been adopted. I also know many parents of different races that have adopted children. My husband's and I have the outlook that we have the love in our heart for any child. I know that there are some cultural things that we may encounter if we raise a child of another race, and some things that we may not understand. But isn't that with any child???

I just don't understand the "price tag" on all of these adoptions.

[lawyerlee]

Hi all. Hope everyone is doing well and that everyone had a great holiday weekend! We found out on Sept 2 that DH and I have a daughter! She was born in the Hunan Province of China and is 8 months old. We will hopefully be bringing her home in 1-2 months. Just thought I'd share.............Take Care!!


http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5d724b3127cce94511cccc61100000016109BbNGLdq1I
How exciting! Congratulations! :D

[lawyerlee]

I don't really get why there is less of a demand to adopt a black child? I have encountered many children of all races that have been adopted. I also know many parents of different races that have adopted children. My husband's and I have the outlook that we have the love in our heart for any child. I know that there are some cultural things that we may encounter if we raise a child of another race, and some things that we may not understand. But isn't that with any child???

I just don't understand the "price tag" on all of these adoptions.
Clearly, not everyone is as open minded as you are. :) And honestly, you could probably put me in that category, too, in some ways. I would be glad to adopt a baby of any race or nationality, but it is certainly my preference to adopt a mixed race black/white baby because that is what our biological kids will be. So maybe I'm no different. ;) :)

[kbgirl28]

Summerseven and lawyerlee Thanks for the congratulations. Summerseven, I am glad that I could bring you good news for a day :) We are so very excited!! We just found out today that more than likely we will be travelling to China at the end of October to bring her home!

[Bella213]

Hi Ladies

It's been a while since I have posted.

KBgirl28- Congrats!!! Awesome news!

So I have some news to share with you all. Over the past 2 weeks, I have received 3 phone calls from potential BM's. The first 2 calls did not meet our specifications and the 3rd call was from a BM who is expecting triplets :eek: on or about Dec 1! Well it would have been a match except triplets is more than DH & I can handle. When I initially heard the message I started to cry because I knew that DH would definately say that we just can't handle it financially. So it took an hour or so of talking to him about it before I came to terms with the whole situation. I called her back and got her voicemail and left her a message explaining our situation but I also left her our attorney's number just in case he has a couple that would be a match. I guess it's true that this is the worst part of the whole process. Waiting for that special call. :(

Anyway, I hope all of you have a great day.

Bella213

[ginadc]

Hi gang, I'm back!

And I realized that I never did update my own info on this thread, because at first it was too painful and then I got distracted. Sadly, our first match with the bmom of twins due in September failed in late July. She had seemed very firm in her decision, but I think she was under a lot of pressure from her family and finally decided she wanted to parent. The twins are due soon, if not here already, and I really hope she and they are doing well.

Fortunately, after a pretty sad 7 weeks (at least we did go ahead with a trip to Provence and the French Alps which we had thought we would have to cancel when the twins were expected, and the trip helped a little), we got great news yesterday--we're matched again!

The prospective bmom is due in early November; she and the father live in Florida--they are roommates, but not a couple. Unlike with our previous match, everyone who possibly could be on board with the adoption is on board this time: mother, father, his family, her family,and their friends. We'll be doing a conference call with them early next week, after all our paperwork is in, and they have said that they would very much like us to be at the hospital when the baby is born. (Gender is unknown.) They would also be interested in our flying down there to meet them beforehand, if we can make it work in the short timeframe before the birth.

It's funny: I am thrilled beyond words, but not bouncing off the walls with excitement the way I was with our first match--and I think that's good. I feel this sort of sense of calm and confidence about this match, whereas the first one was so fast, and so "fairy-tale" (boy-girl twins?) that it seemed to good to be true, which of course it turned out to be. Something about this match just feels solid, and both my DH and I feel that kind of excitement that seems "sustainable," if that makes any sense.

Fortunately, we continued to work on our gender-neutral nursery during this period that we were waiting to be matched again, so we won't have to absolutely kill ourselves with work between now and November.

So--YAHOOOOOOO!

Meantime, I have to go catch up on what's going on with everybody else. Glad to see this thread growing!

[ginadc]

Catching up...

Bella, wow! I so feel for you. It must have been the hardest thing in the world to turn down that match, but I understand why. Shortly after we were matched with the twins, I heard that one couple with our agency adopted all-girl triplets, and I thought, "Wow, I don't know if we could take that on!"

We also had to turn down a match before this one. A teenage girl found us on our agency's Web site and specifically asked about us when she called them, looking to place her 15-month-old daughter. She had been struggling to raise her for over a year and had realized she couldn't do it; her family was supportive of the adoption, and they all really loved our profile. I felt like the worst person in the world saying no, but like Diana, we are very much wanting to adopt an infant with our first child at least. I was also really worried about how traumatizing the separation was going to be for this child at her age, and didn't know if as first-time parents my DH and I would be equipped to handle it. So sadly we said no.

Diana, you should seriously contact my agency (American Adoptions, the one whose fees have been posted here). I think you'd have a baby in seconds--I know that one mixed-race couple (he's black, she's white) who appeared on the parent profiles section had the "Congratulations, recent adoption!" banner up within about a week of their first appearance, which is record time. They frequently have African-American or multiracial African-American babies that they're seeking placements for on their "Category A" situations page, which is "adoptive families needed now." If you have a home study already, there are three situations listed there now that you might be a perfect adoptive family for. If you don't yet have a home study, you could probably adopt almost as soon as you get one done.

We seriously considered adopting an African-American or mixed-race A-A baby; to this day I don't know if we made the right decision to opt out of that. My concerns were twofold: first, I know that even in the black community there is a lot of dispute over Caucasian families (my husband and I are both pretty pasty) adopting black children and whether we can possibly give them the kind of exposure to the black community and their heritage as African-Americans that we should. While I'm quite prepared to tell white racists to go screw themselves, I am less prepared to take on a large (and at least somewhat respectable, since I know it's a position of the National Association of Black Social Workers) movement within the black community. Second, I worried that two white parents just wouldn't have the "life experience" or understanding to help an African-American child cope with the unique burdens of racism that black kids still face in today's America. I could comfort my child if he or she was picked up for "driving while black," but could I ever say, "I get it. I've been there. I know how you feel"? And would I be able to prepare my child for what he or she might face when I have no experience of it myself?

We may have been wrong, but we both felt that we didn't have the kind of life experience we needed to be parents in that situation.

[Bella213]

Gina- I was wondering where you were. I am really sorry that the first match didn't work out. I would be devistated too. It's been really difficult for me lately turning down all 4 calls within a one month period. I just keep saying to myself "The right call will come in soon." Triplets would be bitting off more than we can chew. Although when we were going through IVF and 3 embies were transfered, DH & I knew the chances were slim to none that we would end up with triplets. It was a chance that we took in order to up the % rate of pregnancy. But again, it's way different when you actually have a choice to say no without having to make the decision of reduction. I am so happy you got matched up again. :D You are probably doing the right thing by approching the situation with caution. I would have probably reacted the same way with the first match. How could you not get excited?? :confused: It's just a normal reaction. Anyway, I again am very happy for you and DH. Hopefully Dh & I won't be too far behind you with getting matched.

TTYL
Bella

[Summerseven]

kbgirl28- You're so welcome :)

Bella213- Sorry about not being matched just yet, I'm sure it wont be long now :) Wow triplets! I could only imagine, eek!

ginadc- Wow what a change of events, I know its hard when bp's change their mind, but in the end maybe those twins weren't the right children for you & Dh. I so happy you already got matched again so quickly! Im so excited for you! A complete suprise is always the sweetest! Congrats!


Well some recent changes have gone on with us as well. Kendra is DD's 7 year old sister, and she is now living with us. She just started school yesterday. I have guardianship now and I'm looking into adoption for her, but she's just not ready yet. It's a new situation for her, she's always lived with her grandmother, so I wanted her transition to be as smooth as possible. Dh and I are very excited and nervous. Its alot different then raising our DD who we've had since birth, Kendra asks a lot of questions and we always make sure to tell her the truth, but sometimes she's just too young for such a harsh reality. Like any parent we will do whatever we can to make her feel loved and accepted.
Also court is MONDAY!!! Im so excited, DD is 22 months old and Im so ready for things to move on. This is the 26 hearing where Bm is getting her parental rights terminated. After this adoption is final within 6-9 months. I cannot believe it. What a long road, so happy we are finally in the last stretch :)

[Bella213]

Hi Ladies,

I got another call today at 5:15 pm! :D I was still at work and "The Bat Phone" (that's what we call the adoption cell phone) rang. I picked it up and there was a sweet voice on the other end. I am freaking out still so I am going to try and remember everything we talked about. She is 28, lives in Minnesota, single, 2 years into nursing school, she was adopted herself at 16 mo., she is 6 months pregnant and is due Nov 2! The father is a pilot, she dated him for 4 months and when she told him she was pregnant, he told her that he was married and wanted nothing to do with the baby or her anymore. It took her a while to decide to place her child because she was looking for support from her family. Once she came out and told her parents, they became very supportive of her decision and therefore she started to pursue placing her child. She looked through 43 different profiles but she said she kept coming back to ours because she said that she and I can pass for sisters. She asked me if we would be "ok" with sending her pictures of the baby for the first few years and I of course told her yes. She really doesn't care if we speak, but she definitely wants pictures from time to time. We definitely felt a connection in the first 5 minutes of speaking to one another. I actually found myself calm and relaxed. I guess this is what everyone talks about when they say "You just know it's the one."

She is having a boy (Dh & I never cared about the sex) although I can tell that hubby is thrilled. So she repeated our attorney's 800# to me and said that she would call him as soon as she hung up with me. I followed up just a few minutes ago with my attorney and I got his wife (the social worker) who answered the 800#. I proceeded to tell her that I got a real call and asked if a woman by the name of (blank) called and she said "Yes" but actually it wasn't that great of a call." I said "what?" "What happened?" :confused: and she proceed to tell me that the girl insisted on speaking to our attorney and only him. Well I was like ok; did you explain to her that you guys handle the calls? (I had no idea what to tell the potential bm so I just referred her to the attorney and not the secretary or the social worker) Anyway, they told me that she would not give them her address or any information and that she got rude with them and said that she would call back. Well I was dumb founded. I had such a positive call and they managed to possibly screw it up for me. So my attorney's wife proceeds to tell me that they would call me if she called back. And the conversation ended there.

Well WTF????! Gees, couldn't they see that she was new to all of this and maybe with a little kindness they could have persuaded her to give the information? I feel like ringing someone's neck over there right now. First thing Monday morning, I am going to pick up the phone and speak to the attorney directly. I don't give a crap if it's his wife or not, this is totally uncalled for. It's enough that this whole waiting game just suck's, but then to get a real call and have a third party upset something that is real, just angers me. :mad:

Am I overreacting or would you all feel the same way?

Please keep me in your prayers. I am going to need every one right now.

Bella213

[ginadc]

Bella, I was so excited for you until I read the last paragraph! I absolutely would be just as livid as you are with the attorney's staff. They should know that they're dealing with bmoms who are often going through a lot of things and pretty emotional. If she was that positive and sweet with you, then they must have been really obnoxious to her for her to be "rude"--either that, or they're misrepresenting her reaction.

You definitely should tell your attorney on Monday that this is absolutely not acceptable.

Did she leave any kind of phone # with you or other way to get in touch? Did a number show up on the cell phone's caller ID?

[Bella213]

Gina- I have the 800# forwarded to my cell phone so her number came up on caller ID. I did call her back after I hung up with the attorney’s office and left her a message. I asked if she got through to them, and that she could speak to two other people there besides for him. That she needed to give them her address so that they could mail her our journal etc. That she could call me back anytime she wants to chat again. In our conversation, I forgot to ask for her number. Do you think it was bad of me that I called her back because her number came up on caller ID? I am definitely calling our attorney first thing Monday. And if they give me any BS that he isn't available, I will personally drive there and let them have it in person. I happen to be a very nice and generous person. I love people, respect them and even when someone upsets me I never get upset back. But when you start to jeopardize something that I have been working on with all my heart, well that's when my horns come out..lol It's the Italian in me I guess. I am glad to read that you would react the same way. DH said to me that if she and I hit it off like we did on the phone, then this minor incident shouldn't stop her from moving forward. And if she doesn't call our attorney back, then she wasn't genuine and it's better that it doesn't move forward. I guess because I know in my heart that this was a real call, it bothers me even more. If she does call me back, I know I will be able to establish trust between the two of us and if I have to I will make a conference call to the attorney myself with her on the phone to make this happen. What I really should do is get her on the phone, call the attorney's office and remain silent to see how they speak to her etc. It just seems so evil that I am going to that extreme with someone we are paying to make our dream come true.

Thanks Gina for checking in. I was hoping one of you would help me out.

Bella

[ginadc]

I think your DH is right that if it was indeed legit, she will call you back--possibly not your attorney's office since she had such a negative experience with them the first time, but more likely you directly since you hit it off so well. And then you can say something like "Sorry that the staff in our attorney's office weren't helpful, I've talked with them to make sure nothing like that ever happens again." I think conference-calling it with her and the attorney's office, if she's amenable, is a great idea.

I definitely agree that you need to hold your attorney accountable for how responsive he and his staff are, both to you and to prospective birthmothers who call. You have to be able to trust them implicitly with something this important!

[Bella213]

Gina- So I made another attempt yesterday afternoon to reach the bm. When I called in the morning, I got the answering machine but after I heard the message and was about to leave after the beep, this recording came on that said that the mail box was full and no messages were being accepted at this time. So I tried later in the afternoon and I got a real person. Apparently she has 3 roomates and they all share one phone. Anyway, the girl who answered said that she was on the other line but that if I gave her may name & # she would give her the message to have her call me back. This was at 6:00 pm and she never called back. So I have come to terms with the situation that this is not going to work out and that she might be BS'ing me. Like DH mentioned before, if she is real and really liked you as much as she said she did, then she would have called you back by now no matter what happened with our attorneys office or not. Oh well. At this point if she does call back I would be really surprised.

Thank you for you support. I so desprately needed to hear another womans opinion about the situation. I appreciate it. :)

Bella

[Bella213]

Morning Ladies,

As of this morning, no call back from the BM. Oh well. But I did get a call from one of the girls at my attorneys office. We spoke about Friday's phone and she apologized for the other womans behavior. She also mentioned that this is not the first time she has heard complaints about her. Well I said "If she is going to be nasty and curt she shouldn't be taking any calls." She said that unfortunately she is the wife of the attorney and also the SW and she receives all the calls when she is there. If she is not there then it get's passed on to her. She went and pullled the notes on the phone call and all she wrote down was that so and so was on the phone and when the call was passed on to her, that the bm hung up. What a liar! That's not what she told me. So obviously she is covering her butt with regards to the back and forth attitude that transpired between the both of them. Anyway, I have come to terms with the fact that this bm is no longer interested in placing her child with us. Like my DH said "If she is going to be this fragile that something like that can shake her up not to make a return call to either us or the attorney, then we don't want to get involved." And he is so right.

The right call will come in soon.

TTYL
Bella

[ginadc]

Oh Bella, I'm so sorry. Your DH is right, I think, but that doesn't make it any easier when you've gotten so excited and things seemed so promising.

I will say that regardless of why this particular bmom didn't follow up, the excuse handed to you about the attorney's wife's phone manners is not encouraging. I don't care whose wife she is; you are paying the lawyer good money to handle an adoption for you, and you don't need her sabotaging things by being unpleasant to prospective bmoms on the phone (and then, apparently, lying about it in records). I would sit down with the lawyer and talk very frankly about it. If it were just this one bmom I'd wonder if maybe she had misrepresented things, but since the other staff member indicates there have been other complaints, obviously it's the attorney's wife who's the problem. You have every right to hold them accountable for how they talk to potential birthparents...at this point it doesn't sound like this situation will go anywhere, but what about when the next one comes along?

Just one teeny thing: you might want to use bmom instead of BM when referring to prospective birthmothers. On a couple of other adoption boards I'm on, that term is actually asterisked out, because of its confusion with a term for defecation. A lot of people tend to use it because everybody shorthand-initials everything online, but I know some bmoms get upset by the term. Hope I haven't offended.

[Bella213]

Hi Gina

We are going to attend a few Adoptive Parent Parties in the next month or so. Our attorney is always there since he is on the board. DH & I plan to speak to him then in a more casual environment. I took no offense to the bm vs. bmom. I am new to all of this stuff so I thank you for telling me about it. The last thing I want to do is upset a bmom. :D

Wishing you all a good day!

Bella

[ginadc]

I think that sounds like an excellent plan! He may respond more positively if you start a conversation in a more casual environment.

Things are moving ahead on our match! We have a conference call with our adoptive family specialist set for Friday; that's where we discuss the process for the next 8 weeks, how things are likely to work at the hospital during the delivery, and so on. And the prospective bmom's social worker left a message yesterday that she and bmom are going over her work schedule so we can put together a time for a first conference call with her. I'm very excited about that!

Meanwhile, we're keeping ourselves as busy as possible by putting the nursery together. Some pics thus far:

http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5d732b3127cce947949c45c3a00000016108AatWzFm3aNK

http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5d732b3127cce947948ad9dfb00000016108AatWzFm3aNK

http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5d732b3127cce9479484c1c2a00000015108AatWzFm3aNK

http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5d732b3127cce947958c79d9900000015108AatWzFm3aNK

There are still some things to do, of course! My DH is building a bookshelf for the one bare wall (the one that you can see in the last crib picture, where if you look closely the iron and ironing board are still partly visible). It's modeled on this bookcase from Rosenberry Rooms:

http://store1.yimg.com/I/yhst-83532116742892_1863_116122929

We weren't about to pay $2300 for a bookcase :eek:, and DH said "I can build that!" It's almost ready for painting now. We're also waiting for a couple of things for the walls, including a frame for a "Guess How Much I Love You" print that will go above the antique dresser, which is going to be our changing table. And DH is going to paint a moon and stars scene on the door of the big dresser--which is why the door is off its hinges in the picture.

Still, we're really happy with our progress so far!

[Bella213]

Gina- I LOVE THE BABY'S ROOM The colors are perfect and soothing to look at. Great job!

So I am still toying with the idea whether I should give this bmom another ring. I guess even though I say I am letting it go, my curiosity of finding out if she hung up when the call was transfer or if words were exchanged is just killing me. But then on the other hand, I don't want to look desperate either. I really dislike the whole situation. Dh said that maybe she is still thinking about placing her child and is not yet 100% sure. Maybe she thought that she was ready when she called, but when it came down to giving her information to move on to the next step, she freaked out. The other thing he said was that she has our number and knows how to get a hold of us, so maybe she needs more time and she might call back a little further down the line. I guess my Dh is saying anything to me just to make me feel better ;) Whatever the case, I am sure every day that goes by will get better.

Thanks Summerseven :D

Bella

[ginadc]

Thanks Bella & Summer for the compliments on the nursery! We're really thrilled with it. More work still to do, but it's coming together nicely. And congrats Summer--glad to hear everything is moving ahead!

Meanwhile, I'm nervous. We are waiting to hear from our bmom's social worker as to when we can do a conference call with the bmom--the first sort of "Get to know you" thing. Now, she's had our paperwork since Monday; Tuesday afternoon she left me a message that she'd get in touch soon re: scheduling the call; two days later, we haven't heard anything yet. We are supposed to have a different type of conference call with our social worker (both the family and the bmom get one) to walk us through the process tomorrow.

Now, I'm assuming that if anything had gone wrong, we would've heard from our SW that things were problematic. But given that before our last match failed, there was about a week in which we heard nothing (because the agency was hearing nothing from the bmom), I know that no news is not necessarily good news, and so I'm nervous as hell. I called this morning and got no callback from the bmom's social worker; just now, I called our social worker and was told she's in a conference call. I explained to the receptionist why I'm freaking out and asked if he could make sure she knew I just wanted to hear back today and make sure everything's still looking good, so I don't have to have a sleepless night of worry tonight before our conference call tomorrow.

He said he would...so now I'm sitting here stressing and waiting. I was going to go to the gym, but I don't want to miss her call, so I'm just ... waiting. Later tonight, we're going to go visit friends of ours and their newborn daughter (born the 13th) in the hospital, and I so want to be feeling completely positive about everything when I see them and get those "newborn" emotions.

Such a rollercoaster. :confused:

[Bella213]

Hi Gina

The whole waiting game is just nerve racking. I hope and pray that you get the call soon. I would be feeling the same way. Please keep us posted. I will keep you in my prayers tonight.

Summer- I forgot to say Congrats in my last post!

I took tomorrow off because we are having a big bbq on Saturday. I have 78 people attending. Dh's family (aunt, uncle's and cousins) never saw our home so before we move to our new house we thought it would be a good idea to get everyone over here. I am catering the party myself so I have a lot of cooking to do tomorrow.

Anyway, I will check in with you all tomorrow when I get a moment.

Bella

[ginadc]

Hey guys!

All's well! We had our conference call with our social worker on Friday, and she says we should hear from bmom's social worker Monday to schedule the conference call with bmom. I found out why bmom's social worker is not always easiest to reach: she herself is pregnant, 26 weeks with twins, and she hasn't been having an easy pregnancy, so she's sometimes working from home and obviously has a fair number of doctor's appointments. So that explains things.

But apparently all's moving forward on bmom's end. She has scheduled the in-person meeting with the agency's Florida social worker, who will come to her place and sit down with her (and bdad) to go over all the paperwork they'll sign at the hospital and a lot of the other things in terms of just preparing.

Meanwhile, we're getting the nursery closer to completion. DH is doing a lot of work today on the bookshelf, and I bought an unfinished-wood toy box for us to paint and put under the window between the dresser and dressing table. We also bought a giant stuffed lion for the nursery--I always coveted the gigantic stuffed animals I'd see in toy stores, so I figured we should get one for our baby and the lion suits the nursery perfectly. And he's so soft and cuddly!

[ginadc]

Yahoo! Conference call with bmom is set for tomorrow at 4 pm! I just talked with her social worker and it sounds as if everything is very solid. Bmom is excited to talk with us and also wants to exchange e-mails so she can send us pictures of her family.

I can't wait! :D

[Summerseven]

Thanks Bella :)

Gina- How exciting!! Can't wait till tommoro :)

[IrishMeg]

Summerseven, I worked in child protection in FL and used to follow your WC journal. I stopped in to see if parental rights had been terminated yet and I saw your wonderful news! Congratulations to you, DH, and your little one. It truly made my day!! :)

[Summerseven]

IrishMeg Thanks so much! We are completely thrilled and so relieved :)

[AusAshMommy]

Summer ~ Just popped in to see how things were progressing w/you and I see parental rights have been terminated! YAY!!!! So awesome!!! I am so happy for all of you :D

[Summerseven]

Lara- Thanks soo much! We are so happy everything is going now :)

[Bella213]

Hi Ladies,

It's been a crazy 2 days! I have to slow down because I am so excited. Ok, Monday morning I check e-mails and we got an e-mail from a pbmom stating that she liked our profile online and wants to find out more about us. So I e-mailed back and asked her a bunch of questions and she answered them promptly but she is still not ready to make that call to us. Anyway, she is definately a match for us if she moves on to the next step. She is due March 2006. Then a couple of hours later, while I am at work, I get an aim from this girl who saw our profile online and is interested again in finding out more about us. So I instant message for over 3 hours and again, she sounds like a match but she is not ready to make the call yet. And the most promising contact happened this morning. I got up and checked our e-mails and there was an e-mail from a pbmom. She said that she would like to explain her situation to me and to call her between such and such time, but forgot to give me her number in the e-mail. So I responded and gave her our 800#. This is no joke, I clicked on send button and by the time I walked into the kitchen, the phone rang! We spent over an hour on the phone. There was a definate connection between the 2 of us that we both started to cry. She has 3 children already and just cannot afford a 4th. She asked me for our attorneys number and address and we ended the call on a wonderful note. She also gave me her home number in case I want to call her to talk some more. Anyway, by the time I got to work and call our attorney, she had already called them. So now I am waiting for the SW (our attornys wife, the one I don't like) to call me back with feedback.

This really feels right. I hate to say that but it does. And the best part is that she lives in the same state!

Keep us in your prayers.

Bella213

[Summerseven]

Wow Bella, how exciting! Crossing my fingers for you :)

[Bella213]

Hi Everyone

She called the attorney before I called them and left them a message. This afternoon, the SW called me back after she spoke to her and said that she was willing to answer any questions she threw at her. The only thing that bothered the SW and our attorney (they were both on the call) was that she had said she was meeting with an attorney on the 27th. Now the way the SW explained it to me was that normally the pbmom doesn't get an attorney because the adoptive parents are responsibile for all legal fees etc. So, she wasn't comfortable giving out her attorneys name just yet. Anyway, the SW told me that they were mailing out our profile today to her Fed Ex for delivery tomorrow morning. In that package there is all the legal documents for her to sign and return to our attorney. It also explains to her that she does not need to seek coucil because our attorney will do all of that for both parties. The reason behind this is because if her attorney has potential couples waiting to adopt, he or she might pursued her to chose a couple from his/her office and we might lose the opportunity.

Other than this, she seems for real. She even sent me a picture of herself so that I could put a face with the voice! I am simply jumping out of my skin right now. I wrote her an e-mail after I hung up with the SW explaining to her that we are responsible any legal fees and that she doesn't need to get an attorney. I also said that I would rather her spend the money on herself and her children instead of an attorney.

She wrote back the most incredible e-mail that I was balling while I was reading it. She explained that she was unaware of the "attorney thing" and that her main concern is that "This Baby" goes to a good family that will love and nurture it like she does her own. She asked if she could speak to DH tonight because it's important that she make the same connection with him as she made with me this morning. She also said that she is feeling that she has already found the right family for this baby and that all she needs now is confirmation of that once she speaks to DH. She is willing to send us all the U/S pictures as time goes by. She wants DH & I to come to one or two of the appointments to see the baby's progess and she definately wants the two of us to be in the room when she delivers the baby. She has gone as far as to say that if she needs to stay in the hospital longer than 24 hours she will request to be moved off the maternity ward so the DH & I can feel comfortable with the baby and develop the bond that a mother and father need and want. I can't even begin to tell you all how much I cried. I called my bestfriend and read the e-mail to her and we were like two blubbering idiots on the phone. After 13 IVF cycles, maybe our dream of a lifetime is really going to come true.

This is where we are at right now. I will update you all after the phone call tonight. Wish me luck I am going to need it.

Bella

[kbgirl28]

Summerseven, So glad things are moving along! So happy for you!! How long will the adoption process take? Keep us posted...

Ginadc, the nursery looks great. Glad things are moving along nicely. How did the conference call go?

Bella213, wow, what exciting news!! Praying the phone call went well...

Take Care all!!!

[IrisHope]

Anna, are you calling me a blubbering idiot? lol

You need to update and tell everyone what happened or I will!!!!!!!!!

[Bella213]

Hi Everyone,

Before I get yelled at by my best friend IrisHope, I need to tell you all what has happened over the past 24 hours.

Pbmom called at 9:45 pm last night as promised and I had DH answer the phone. They were on the phone for over 45 min. It was a great conversation and after Dh was done she wanted to speak to me. She proceeded to tell me that she felt very comfortable speaking to Dh. That she was expecting him to be shy & quite but Dh asked questions and listened and she truly felt a connection with him too.

So this morning I got an e-mail from her stating that she really feels in heart that the search for the perfect family is over. She has chosen us to be the parents of this baby! I am so excited!!! :D It's finally happening! She will be calling me once she receives the paperwork and profile from our attorney this morning.

I don't know what else to say but that I hope that God guides her and us through this wonderful journey.

Bella

[Summerseven]

Bella, I so thrilled for you!! Congratulations :) :D :D :D

[AndreaMMS]

Summerseven - Hi there - I used to follow your journal on WC (I posed once in a while as "AndreaM"), and I just saw your wonderful news in here about finally getting the parental rights terminated.

I am SO HAPPY for you - you've been through so much and are such a terrific Mommy!

Congatulations!!!!!!!!!

[Bastille]

Bella -

I know you from "way" back. This is such incredible news!! I am praying that all works out because I KNOW that you will be an incredible mommy!!

Wow this is the best news I have heard/read in a long time!! Is it a boy/girl and when is it due?

Christina

[BSBC]

For those of you who have been through (or are going through) the adoption process, how should friends deal with this type of situation:

Friends of ours are going through an adoption. They were successfully matched and traveled out of state for the birth. At the 11th hour, the birth mom decided to keep the baby.

This is such an utterly traumatic and heartbreakening situation to watch. Our friends chose the adoption route after not being able to successfully concieve. Besides being there for them, what do you recommend friends do for them?

In some ways, this is as bad or worse than a miscarriage. While I guess I'm happy for the birthmom, I'm really sad for my friends. To watch this happen is a horrible thing.

Thank you.

[ginadc]

Bella, that's wonderful! I'm so thrilled for you. Tell us more--when is bmom due again?

Our conference call couldn't have gone better! We were all a bit nervous to start, I think, but then we really hit it off well and found that DH and I and the bmom have a lot of things in common, like the fact that all three of us were really close to our grandmothers growing up. She loves to read too, so we got into a discussion of Harry Potter. And she's clearly really committed to the adoption--when we were talking about how things would go at the hospital, she said, "Well, this is going to be your delivery as much as it is mine."

So, everything sounds great! Her doctor on Tuesday told her that she was about 31 weeks 2 days, which is a little less than the math would indicate if she's due on the 11th of November, but not much. So she'll be 32 weeks on Sunday. She thinks she might have the baby a little early, just because she herself was born very early, but I don't think that's necessarily much of a predictive factor. Still, maybe she has some intuition!

BSBC, I'm so sorry for what your friends are going through. I can only imagine...our failed match was painful, but we had only been matched for 3 weeks and it was still more than a month before the babies were due. It's my greatest fear, that the bmom will change her mind at the hospital, after we've actually seen and held and fallen in love with the baby.

Having never been through something quite that bad, I have no idea how to tell you to console your friends; really, other than "being there," as you said, I don't know how much you can do. One thing I had a friend do when our match failed is that I asked her to spread the word to our other friends, so I didn't have to go through telling them. (Some people don't even tell friends when they're matched in case it fails, but we just are no good at keeping things back like that.) So that was helpful; she discreetly let our friends know not to ask how the adoption plan was going and so on, and I didn't have to relive the fact that the match had failed over and over again. If the news is still not generally known, that might be one thing you could offer to do for them.

[Bella213]

Hi Gina,

Oh my goodness, what great news!!! I am thrilled that the conference call went well. I will pray for you & Dh that the next few weeks will be nothing but happy times and that in the end you will have your baby in your arms. :) Have you picked out names yet? I can't remember if you mentioned that in previous posts. We are going with Michael Joseph if it's a boy and Lauren Marie if it's a girl.

Our bmom thinks she is due in March. She is not quite sure yet because she hasn't gone in for her first u/s yet. That will be in the next week or 2 I believe. Once the OB/GYN can get a mesurment of the baby, he/she will be able to give a better estimate on the due date. March is absolutely perfect for us. We are closing on a new house at the end of next month and are also closing on this home a week later. So it's going to be a crazy couple of months. This weekend she is going to tell the bfather. He still doesn't know she is pregnant. This is scary but she reassured Dh & I that he will support her decision 100%. He is a lot older than her and already has 2 teenage kids and he is done with the daddy thing. Bmom is very close with with bfather's sister. Bmom told her last night and she thinks it's wonderful that she is giving an opportunity to another couple to become parents. She also agreed that her brother will support her decision. So, Dh & I are still a little nervous but we both didn't get any indication that she will be changing her mind at all. She signed the legal documents this afternoon and sent them back via FedEx. She felt that this would help us relax and understand that she is committed to us and would like us to have some reassurance over the next 6 months.

BSBC- I really can't offer any advise. I would have to agree with Gina. The best thing is just to be there for them. No one should have to go through a situation like that alone. And yes, it's just as bad if not worse than a miscarriage. :(

Bastille- How are you! I didn't know that you lurked in here! So how are thing going with you? I hope well. Any good news to report yet? I lost touch with a lot of ladies since I left the WC. Thank you for posting a reply. We don't know the sex and really don't know if we want to know yet. The bmom thinks she is due March like I mentioned above but we will have a better idea in the next week or so.

I have to run for now. I will keep you all posted.

Bella

[BSBC]

Everyone - thanks for your guidance. Good luck with your adoptions - this is so exciting.

[ginadc]

Bella, that sounds like perfect timing! (Hey, when did you/are you getting your home study done? I think home studies have to be updated if the family moves, so I just wanted to be sure that no logistical steps got missed!)

I took a bunch of pictures of the house/nursery yesterday so I can send them to the bmom, and when I logged onto my gmail account found that she'd sent me pictures of herself and the bfather, along with pics of a stuffed giraffe chair that we'd talked about on the phone, which she bought for the nursery! It's so cute, and it's perfect for the way we've put the nursery together. I'm incredibly excited to have heard from her so quickly.

Yes, we've decided on names. Ian Michael for a boy, and Annika to-be-decided if it's a girl. We're debating among Annika Rose, Annika Charlotte, and Annika Noelle. I really prefer Annika Rose, both because I think it sounds pretty and because it would be a neat way to honor my father, who is a fairly obsessive rose grower; but that's probably DH's least favorite. Annika Charlotte may win.

[Bella213]

Hi Gina,

Wow, I didn't know that about the Home Study. :eek: We had ours done already and we are certified. I better call my attorney and find out because I would hate for something to go wrong through this process.

Thanks for telling me that.

Bella

[ginadc]

Glad to help, Bella! I'm not sure if the home study rules are precisely the same in every state, but it was my understanding that if there's any sort of major change in the household--a move to another home, another person comes to live in the house, that kind of thing--most home studies require an update. I don't think it's particularly complicated to get done, but I'm pretty sure it usually has to happen.

[Duncan1]

Bella213 I sometimes lurk in here as I 'knew' you from WC. Just wanted to tell you how happy I was to read that you've been matched, it brought a big smile to my face. All the best to you and your DH, and to all the other parents-to-be in this thread.

[Ole Miss Bride]

Bella, I hope you don't think I'm a total stalker, but I used to lurk in the IVF thread at WC, and I'm just so, so thrilled to read about your match. What wonderful news!

-Betsy

[Bella213]

Hi Ladies

I hope everyone is doing well. Everything is moving smoothly here.


Ole Miss & Jan – Thank you so much. I miss all of you. I lurk from time to time in the IVF thread and check on you all. I hope that each and everyone of you are doing well and that everything works out for you both.


Update:

Our bmom sent in all the documents via FedEx today! :D Looks like it's a go! :D :D She called me last night to bring me up to speed about her visit at the dr's office. She met one of the mid-wives at the office and they started her birth plan. She told me that she does not wish to know the sex of the child. She wants no photos or contact after the birth. She also made me promise that I would be her voice in the delivery room so that when this child is born that no one blurs out the sex of the child. She has also asked the mid-wife to put up a c-section blind up so that she cannot see the baby. She just doesn't feel any need for her to know anything about the baby. Bmom also said that she is going to request that she be moved off the maternity ward after the delivery so that DH & I can bond with the baby and she can mentally remove herself from the situation. She keeps saying that she chose us to be the parents of this child because she feels in her heart that we will be able to provide and give this baby the life it deserves. She also apologized for coming across as cold, but she needs all of the above in order to close this chapter of her life. This works for Dh & I because we don't want an open adoption.

She gave me the date of her next appointment which will be on November 21st. She wants us both to go and be in the room when they give her the u/s so that we can see how the baby is doing. We plan on going to lunch and spending some time getting to know each other more.

This just seems so unreal right now. I keep thinking "Ok when is the bomb going to hit me." I don't know but I guess I will believe it even more tomorrow if our attorney calls us.


Gina- [B] I found out about the HS and moving. Because we are already certified and it doesn't expire until Jan 2006 we are fine. Once it comes close to the expiration date of the certification, our attorney's office will mail us documents to fill out and send back. The change of address will be noted in those documents and the SW will be notified and she will just have to come up to see the house and make sure it's ok for a baby to live there. She will complete her forms and mail it back to the attorney and then the will mail it off to the court for it to be renewed. They told me it's a fairly easy thing to do.

I will post tomorrow if the attorney calls me. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Thanks
Bella

[ginadc]

Bella, that's wonderful! I'm so thrilled for you. I'm sure you can't wait for that November 21st ultrasound! Glad, too, to hear that the paperwork involved with incorporating your move into the home study is minimal.

Things are going great here. The birthmom's social worker tells me that she was delighted with our phone call and told the SW that she couldn't have picked a better family. The bfather has always been supportive of the adoption plan, but in kind of a hands-off "You handle it, I'll sign" sort of way. Now, apparently, after the bmom told him how well our conversation had gone, he's more enthusiastic about being a participant in the whole thing and was in the apartment for the meeting with the agency's local social worker last week. He also is now excited about meeting us at the hospital when the baby's born. I'm so happy about that--I know that it's probably relatively rare to be able to tell an adopted child in detail about both birthparents, and I think it's a wonderful gift to be able to give our baby.

The SW wants to plan on another conference call next week, after bmom's next doctor's appointment. At that point she should be almost 34 weeks!

Meanwhile, we're getting ready here. DH is moving along with building the bookshelf based on the really expensive one from Rosenberry Rooms:

http://store1.yimg.com/I/yhst-83532116742892_1863_116122929

He's going to start painting it tonight. I love having a handy husband!

And we got this wonderful "The Story of Me" baby scrapbook that has special insert pages for adoption! For example, there's an "all about my birth mother" page (although not one for a birthfather--I'm going to call the company and ask about one), "Starting the adoption process," and so on. I can't wait to start filling it in...very soon now. In about 7 weeks we'll be parents...still hard to believe!

[Bella213]

Ladies,

It has been an absolutely CRAZY WEEK!

Last I posted our bmom was mailing back the paperwork. Since Tuesday I have been trying to track the package and everyday FedEx is telling me that they cannot locate the tracking number in the system. So Tuesday evening I get this really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that "something is really wrong." I proceeded to e-mail her on Wednesday and told her that I needed to make sure I had my date correct for the dr's appointment to either e-mail me or call me. And nothing... So now it's Thursday and I definitely know that something is terribly wrong. So I leave another message at home except this time I said, "We are starting to worry about you, we are ok here but really need to hear from you to make sure that you are ok, please call us back." And no call back again but I got an e-mail from her.

Apparently the bfather still didn't give her the paperwork to mail back. He said he needs more time to think about this. She thinks that he told his immediate family and they are telling him "stuff" and he is getting overwhelmed. He comes from and Italian family, and being that I am Italian too, I can put money on it that his family is raising heck right now and probably freaking out on him with the idea of placing his child up for adoption. He was comfortable with the decision before he spoke to his family so this is why I am almost positive that this is what's going on. Whatever the case, our bmom went on stating that she has made up her mind and has no idea why he is doing this. That she is going to mail her paperwork back without his anyway. She is so sorry, and I guess this is not going to be as easy as she thought it would be. Her excuse for not calling me is that her sitter has been sick and she has been scrambling to find a sitter to watch her 3 children while she goes to work in the evening. Then on top of that she is working late because they are short staffed right now. So DH & I spoke after I got the e-mail and I said to him that I don't think she realizes that even if she sends her paperwork in, that it means nothing without his and that this whole thing can't happen without his consent. This is another reason why she really needs to call me. This is just crazy!

So while all of this is happening yesterday, my cell phone rings (the adoption cell phone) so I answer it and it's another pbmom! She is 24, due Nov 11th, father knows and agrees with placing the child and they live in California! Holy Crap! Talk about brain overload! She was to the point, wanted our attorney's phone number. She explained that she & the bfather want to have this child placed all the way across the other side of the US. That she will give birth in Cali but definitely doesn't want to place the child with a family in the same state. I said "fine, here is the number, just give them a ring, tell them you spoke with me and you want the paperwork sent out immediately. So I gave her 5 minutes and I called the attorney and she was talking to the SW when I called to check. Unbelievable! I feel like this is almost worse than IVF. I called the attorney this morning and they mailed out the package last night. So here we go again.


I will keep you all posted.

Gina- I am so excited for you & Dh! I'll say it again; I love the baby's room!!!!

I'll talk to you all later.

Bella

[Summerseven]

Sorry Bella for all these up and downs. It's not an easy process and I'm so proud of you and your Dh for trying to stay strong. I check here daily for both you and Gina. It will happen soon :) Hopefully that last pbm will follow through. Just know I'm thinking of you daily and I know you'll have your sweet baby soon.

[ginadc]

Wow, Bella, what an incredible roller coaster! I totally feel for you...we went through something similar with the first failed match we had with the twins. (I still think about them; they're probably a few weeks old now and I hope their mom is handling everything okay.) She was very determined to place--very emotional about it, but determined. But she got so much pressure from bfather and her own family that she finally couldn't do it. She was from a Latino background and I think there were probably a lot of the same feelings/ideas about adoption working there as there might be in an Italian family.

But how exciting about the second call! Having the bfather on board is a real plus. And she's due very soon...in fact, she's due the exact same day that our bmom is. Maybe it's a sign? :D I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

We got a great e-mail from our bmother today. She's feeling okay, but getting frustrated with how tired and big she's getting! So that we could get to know her better, she sent along one of those online questionnaires with favorites, "who would you like to meet from history," and so on. I thought that was pretty great and loved reading what she had to say.

I think she has another doctor's appointment early next week, after which we'll have another check-in call. Can't wait!!

[Bella213]

Thank You Summer :) . This thread is helping me work things out.

I found out more information on the 2nd call. The SW called me yesterday morning and gave me to scoop on her. Besides for everything I mentioned before, she is living on the streets :eek: I am feeling sorry for her but very very scared about the whole thing. The SW said that this might not be what DH & I want. We may incur a lot more expenses because she probably has no health insurance etc. Also, she did give the SW her dr's name and said she has been getting pre-natal care but who knows what she did before she knew she was pregnant. SW said she would have a better idea if she mails the paperwork back and checks to see if she has been. Still the whole situation of her living on the street or in shelters is not sitting right with DH & Me. The SW said that she feels that the first call is probably the one we should focus on. She also said that if she contacts us again, tell her to mail in her paperwork and that they will deal with the bfather. Anyway, I wrote her an e-mail last night telling her that we are going to give her the space and time she needs to straighten things out with the bfather. That our desire is strong to become parents and that we are here day or night if she wants to talk.

I just can't keep calling her and leaving messages or e-mails and she is not responding at this point. I guess if this is meant to be she will call us. She is due in 6 months so a lot can change by then.

I am getting so excited for you Gina!! :D :D Thank you for the support, it means a lot to me :D

I will keep you all posting if things change.

Bella

[Bella213]

Hi Ladies,

Here is my update from our pbmom: I copied and pasted it from our e-mail but I kept the names confidental.


Hi Blank & Blank,


Sorry I havent called or replied till now. First thing, thank you for giving me space but really Im not the one that needs the space. I guess it is Blank that needs space. I really thought after our chat he was going to be very supportive of ME and STRONG of the choices I was making because I know what is best for me and US.

Blank, I dont know what the next 6 months are really going to bring into my life whether I'm going to lose a person I care for very deeply over the choices I am making or whether he will see in a while that what I am doing is the right choice. My mind has not changed and now even more so than ever I have to be even stronger because now the person I love and care about is making it harder on me.

I went over there yesterday and he bluntly said "Blank, this will make US closer than ever and I told him I am sorry Blank, but a BABY is not what is going to make US closer." He doesn't seem to understand this. I am very scared of what you and DH as the parents are going to have to go thru, as I remember your lawyer saying, "Yes they would like the fathers signature but don't need it". Does that mean it is going to be a LONG and HARDER battle for you???

I made an appointment as I really don't have anyone supportived except my MOM and I dont wanna bring his sister into this anymore as it is his sister so I am going to see a thearpist as I need someone to listen to me about all of this and to cry too and be supportive and let me know I'm not a bad person.

Please know MY MIND IS NOT CHANGING now I just fear and worry what will go on in order for you and DH to have this BABY.To be honest Blank, I wish I could take this baby out and let you carry it. I feel I cannot even go see Blank right now for the fear that he is going to try and change my mind or bring up the facts this will make US closer and blah blah blah... I feel he wants something different for the wrong reasons.

Blank

We hope that they can iron out their differences. There are more e-mails from her today which clearly state that she is moving forward with or without him. I guess once she sends in her stuff, I will know what we are up against as far as the bfathers parental rights if it gets that far. God I hope not. :(

Bella

[ginadc]

Oh Bella, how hard this must be for both you and the bmom! Your attorney should be able to advise you as to what the bfather's legal rights are and how easy/difficult it would be to challenge them in court. If he just wants the baby because he thinks it's going to "bring him closer" to the bmom, then maybe once it's clear to him that that isn't going to happen, he'll let go.

[Bella213]

Hi Gina

This is really hard. I am trying so hard not to get emotionally involved but it's very very difficult not too. Bmom has been e-mailing me a lot lately. Giving me updates on the situation at hand. Telling me the the bfather is still trying to convince her to keep the baby and so on. But she is still standing her ground that she doesn't want this child. Anyway, my best friend has been advising me as how to respond since she is not directly effected by the situation and it's been helping me. I aksed her to ask herself that if the worst case scenario happened where the bfather doesn't change his feelings about placing the child and wants to keep the child, would she be able to move forward anyway.... I am still waiting for her to respond. Now if she does come back with "yes" then I am going to have to push her to mail in the paperwork. This is not healthy for me either going back and forth with all this drama between the two of them. As my best friend put it "If she is so sure, then why hasn't she mailed in her stuff yet?" There is no reason for her not too. And she is absolutely right. She also seems me getting to involved and doesn't want me to get hurt if this doesn't pan out. Errr, the is just aweful.

Anyway, I will keep you updated.

Bella

[ginadc]

Bella, any word from bmom in response to your last e-mail? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! Does it seem like the bfather just wants to win her back, or does it sound like he'd actually try to challenge the adoption in order to keep the baby himself as a single parent, even if he understood that they were NOT getting back together?

Things are looking pretty good here. Bmom had her doctor's appointment on Wednesday and all went well; she says the baby is kicking up a storm. They tell her she can have the insurance-covered 36-week ultrasound at her next appointment (which is technically 35.5 weeks), so hopefully in two weeks we may know the sex of the baby (if he/she cooperates).

Anyone else out there?

[Bella213]

Hi Gina

Yes, she has been e-mailing me. Last e-mail I got she said that by Monday the 10th she was going to mail her paperwork in with out without his. And if it comes to the point that he doesn't complete his, she will call our attorney again and ask them to mail out the paperwork for the bfather. She will complete it to the best of her knowledge and mail it back. As far as I know he just wants to keep this baby for the wrong reasons and it's not acceptable to her. She told him that if he wants to play hardball that she will disappear from his life and she will never look back. So we are keeping our fingers crossed here the next few days and hopefully she will be sending everything in by Monday. The waiting game is just killing me. I am still not 100% convinced that she is pregnant. I have has so many wacky calls that I have a hard time believing anything she says right now. Dh said that "Until we get the call from the attorney that they got the paperwork, as far as I am concerned, she is not for real." I am trying to keep myself grounded mentally but it is a struggle because I think with my heart and that's not good in a situation like this.

I am so happy for you. I hope that the baby cooperates and you get to find out the sex :) When is her due date again?

I guess it's just you and I in this thread. Except when Summer pops in, right?

Well, it's late and I need to go to bed. We sold our house and bought a new one and we need to be out of this one by the 31st of this month. I can't believe how much stuff we have :eek: Good time to throw things out that you haven't used in a while, right.

TTYL

Bella

[Bella213]

Hi Ladies

So all weekend we were on pins & needles waiting to hear the outcome of what the bfather decided to do. I am just going to cut and paste the e-mail I got from the bmother this afternoon: Remember she told me that she was mailing in her paperwork on Monday with or without his information. Also keep in mind that we have e-mailed each other a total of 72 e-mails

Blank,

Things are very rough right now....I am very lost on everything I should do. My mind has not changed about not keeping this BABY if anything I really feel this baby has messed up my life already. Blank n I are not talking. I had to find a new babysitter and things aren't good.

Blank told me not to allow adoption. To make "the other choice" then if I didn't want to have this BABY for US, we could make things work. I don't want do that, and I have to be honest, I love Blank deeply but he should not be this way. So I have a lot going thru my mind day n night.

I'm almost to the point of not being able to have "the other thing" done, THANK GOD, but I'm so lost because it really does bother me not to talk to Blank or his family.

I'm very alone n lost.

Blank

My response was:

Blank,

I'm sorry you are so lost and feel alone. We just don't know how much more we can do at this point. We are happy your mind has not changed. I'm sure it was quite a relief when you sent the paperwork yesterday knowing that that part is done.

We are here if you want to talk.

Blank

Her Response:

Blank,

No, I didnt send papers out yesterday. I had forgotten to do it. I guess I just need to do this all the best way I can do it. I really don't know what else to say at this time...I really don't know what else to say right now..


No one knows what im going thru or how I even feel right now and this is all so hard on me...

So my final response was:

Blank,

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I see that this is going to be a long road for you and a lot of decisions must be made. Decisions that Dh & I can't help you with. You know where we stand and that will not change. Since you are not able to commit to us I am going to assume this isn't going to happen at this point. If and when you feel you are ready to go forward please call me. Either way we wish you the best of luck and always know that we will be thinking of you. We hope we can continue this journey with you.

Until then, my god bless you with strength and courage.
Hugs
Me

This was the hardest thing for me to do. But I felt myself being pulled to deep into this and we still have yet to actually know if she is pregnant. I am hoping that I did the right thing. I just feel like I am abandoning her and that is so not like me. But Dh is telling me that this had to be done. You can't torture yourself waiting and waiting and it might never happen. I guess he is right, but it still hurts :(

[Summerseven]

Oh Bella, I'm so sorry. From the way the situation was turning out, I think you made the right decision. The Pbm shouldn't have contacted you until she had all her details worked out. It's not fair for her to keep stringing you along.((hugs)) Keep the faith, your precious angel will find you, I know it.:)

[Astro]

Bella I'm not sure if you remember me from the WC, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear what's happened. I wish there was something I could do other than send you oodles of hugs.

[Bella213]

Astro! Hi There! I was so happy to see your post! I miss all of you. I feel so out of touch with the IVF thing now that I almost feel I can't post in there anymore :( It stirs up so many memories that I am trying to keep behind but my connection to all of you is still there. How are you? What is going on with you? Obviously, you know the situation I am in. :( God willing, this is all going to get straigtened out and the bfather will come to his senses.

Well to update you all, the bmom e-mailed me late last night and this is what she wrote:

Blank,

See I know and I feel I REALLY dont even have u guys....It really doesn't matter. I kinda felt I was gonna have to do everything on own and I guess even more so now. I know their are things you cannot help with me and everything.


Blank, being pregnant and not having any feelings or anything for this BABY isnt me. I love each 1 of my kiddos and I cannot this BABY. I don't love this baby. I wish this was someone else going thru this and not me. I thought I could be strong with letting Blank go but when you really love and care about someone that's very hard but it still doesn't change my mind about my plans for this child.

If you wanna pull away from me I will undetrstand everything is just happening so fast for ME.

I really got hurt by this. How could she say this to me after I have been telling her that we are here but there is nothing more we can do unless she mails in the paperwork :mad:

My Response

Blank,

You do have us sweetie. From the first time you and I spoke, I felt connected to you and that will never change. I am hurting for you because I am a woman and I understand everything you are saying. This is extremely difficult for me too. You are trying to make our biggest dream come true, and that is to become parents and at the same time, the man you love is not supporting you. And the thought of Blank not being there for you mentally is just killing me. How can I not feel or understand for you set aside that I know how painful it is to lose someone you love. I do know. Blank, DH & I really meant it when we said that our mind will remain the same. We want to be the parents to love this baby forever. But what can DH & I do at this point sweetie? I find myself crying every time I read your e-mails because I don't know what to do to ease your pain. Our attorney keeps telling us that there's nothing we can do until the papers are mailed back, so I sit here lost myself. Lost because DH & I want to be there for you. We want so bad to drive up to meet you and talk and be there for you, but we can't because of the gosh darn paperwork! What do you want us to do? Tell me. What do you want me to say to make you understand that we are not pulling away, but that we have to sit here and just wait and pray that Blank comes around...

We want this baby; you know that we say this with all heart and soul. I wish there was a way that you could give me the baby to carry it for the next 6 months, I wish, but it's just not possible. I wish to God that Blank wasn't doing this to you. I wish he understood why you feel this way and why you are doing what you are doing. There has not been a day that has gone by that I don't think of you. There is not been a day that I don't look at the phone and pray that it rings and that it's you on the other end. Not one day goes by.

I think about you and your situation all the time, and I cry quietly for know one understands what a woman goes through when she is pregnant. Changes come and sometimes they are wanted and sometimes they are not. I know your life is going to change of the next 6 months and you made the choice to go through these changes to make another families dream come true. You are an unselfish, courageous and determined woman Blank and don't let anyone make you feel any different. Know that DH & I, even though we haven't met, respect and admire your strength.

We are moving in the next 3 weeks and I so desperately want to start on the baby's room, but I am so scared at the same time. We are trying so hard not to buy things. We want to be prepared but we don't know what is going to happen.

Please don't think we are pulling away because we are not. We are here, we just don't know how much more we can do.

I am here for you Blank.

This is just making me sick to my stomach. She should have never called us. This should have been worked out before so that we didn't have to be put through this torture either. I don't know if I should be angry or if I should be upset. I am at my wits end at this point and I am ready to throw the towel in. She thinks that we don't feel or understand..:confused: She is not understanding that we are going through a difficult time with her mentally even though we haven't met yet. She said at one point that she understands how and why we would doubt her and because of that, that she insured us that she put our minds at ease and mail in the paperwork. She has yet to move forward so what am I supposed to do or think??? I am sorry for venting here, but I have no where else to go where I can vent to other women who have been down this path :(

Bella

[Astro]

Bella, I know what you mean about it being difficult to post to the IVF boards. I'm having problems going there as well. My DH and I got pregnant with twins last spring. We were so excited, but cautious. We made it through the first trimester and started telling friends. I started showing in mid-August. Then in the beginning of September, our boys were still-born at 16 weeks. We named them, buried them, and are trying to heal. It takes time.

It sounds like you're sort of going through a similar grieving process. It sounds like the pbm contacted you before she had everything in order, before she knew what the plan was going to be, before she got the pbf on board, and before all involved agreed to the plan. I agree with you that she shouldn't have initiated any of this until she and the pbf were in agreement.

I think you probably responded to her initial contact as many women do to the BFP. Then it started to become reality, you and your DH started planning for the child (at least in your heads), you had dreams of the future of your family that involved this child. Unfortunately you are now going through the roller-coaster of not knowing what's going to happen. I wish there was something I could say or do to help, but I know there isn't. I'm sending you tons of hugs and support.

I think you're behaving/communicating very well. You've been very clear when you've sent her e-mails, but she's just not able to understand what you've said. I hope this situation resolves soon so you and your dh can move forward on expanding your family.

[ginadc]

Oh Bella...I'm so sorry about all this! :( :( I agree with Astro; it sounds as if the pbmom pulled you into the situation well before she should have, before she'd worked things out in her own mind--not only about what she was going to do about the baby, but how she would handle the father and all the attendant baggage.

I think you've made every effort to be there for her. And let me be cynical for a second: yes, you care about her. But you didn't show up at a crisis center to volunteer to be a buddy or mentor to someone going through an unwanted pregnancy or other difficult life situation. You reached out to adopt a baby. And while I know you care about her and she needs someone on her side, I think it's perhaps too much for her to expect that you will be there, giving all this unconditional emotional support--while just putting aside all your hopes and dreams about the baby as there is no way to know what will happen with adoption, bfather's consent, and so on. That's just too difficult of an emotional ride for her to expect you to put yourself through.

When we decide to adopt and get matched with a birthmother/birthparents, to some extent we're all taking a leap of faith. There's no promise or guarantee that the end of the ride will mean a baby, and we know that. We're not the ones in control of any of the decisions, really, other than whether we will agree to a match or not (and how hard is it to say no, even if a situation seems like it might have problems, when it seems like the dream of a child is so close at hand)?

So to some degree we all have to protect ourselves ... or we'll wind up torn to shreds emotionally. In situations like this birthmother's, while you can be a friend to her, you can't and shouldn't be a counselor, or even "The only one who's there for me now." It's not fair to you--and really it's not fair to her either. Does your attorney maybe have any ideas of counselors, social workers, programs, other kinds of support she can be referred to so she doesn't have to feel so completely alone and can work through some of her emotions about the pregnancy, her relationship with the father and the end of it, the fact that he's opposing adoption, and all of that--with somebody who has some experience in this and doesn't have their own emotional stake in the outcome?

I'll be thinking of you and I hope everything turns out well for you and for her. If this match doesn't work out, I know another one will. Having been through a failed match before, I know how hollow those words might sound when you think about the possibility of starting over again, but it does happen.

[Bella213]

Astro - I am so sorry sweetie. I had no idea that you lost the babies :( It just broke my heart yesterday when I read your post :( I am at a loss for words. A big hug to you and DH. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Gina- Everything you said made so much sense. She is getting some outside help, a therapist. She is telling me that it is helping a little but I guess losing the support of the person you love is overwhelming her. You are right, I can't bare all of this burden. I know that in my heart. I have tried to pull away and tell her that we are here and call us when the matter is resolved and we can pick up from there, but everytime I tell her that there is nothing we can do, she turns and says that Dh & I aren't there for her. I don't know what else to do at this point. I am no longer holding my breath for her. I am getting stronger by the day emotionally that possibly this is not going to hapen. I called the attorney yesterday and they said there is really nothing we or they can do until she sends in the paperwork. Same story over and over again. She is going to have to make a decision sooner or later with regards to this child and her boyfriend and it really has nothing to do with us. I feel like I am beating a dead horse. Sometimes I wish that the bfather would just call us and talk to us and get a feel as to who we are and why she connected with us. But I don't think at this point, that this is going to happen.

Today she goes to the doctor for a u/s. She is not feeling well, she thinks it's the stress, so they slid her in on the schedule. She also mentioned that she thinks that she is further along than she thought she was because she is starting to show. Being that she is already a mom of 3, she pretty much knows what her body does when she is pregnant. She will hopefully have a better idea as to when her EDD will be today. It's going to be a long 5 to 6 months and yes, there is absolutely no guarantee in the end. DH & I talked and he pretty much told me that he is not holding out hope for her anymore. That as far as he is concerned, she in not pregnant until we get the proof. I am starting to see it his way now in order to keep my sanity. We have some much going on in our lives, moving to a new house, sellling our home etc that it's getting easier for me to let this go with everyday that goes by. The way I am looking at this is that, she knows how to reach us so if this is meant to be it's meant to be.

Thank you for checking in. I was hoping to read what input you had on the situation and this is why I posted the e-mails that have been going back and forth between the 2 of us. ;)

Bella

[Bella213]

Hi Everyone

Update:

Bmother attempted to speak to bfather on Saturday evening. It didn't go well once again. He is angry that she is not on board with having this child and keeping it together. We found out that she is actually 4 months pregnant so the other option is out the window. She is lost and confused and just doesn't know what to do anymore. Her relationship with the bfather is finished, she is stuck "as she calls it" with a baby she doesn't want or love and she is frightened of what he might do to us if she moves forward. I haven't heard from her since Sunday morning so Dh & I are assuming that this is not going to work out and we are moving on. I just can't help thinking about what is going to happen once she gives birth. I get the feeling that she will just give him the kid and take off. How sad.:( Anyway, such is life.

Gina- How is everything going with you? Anything new?

Bella213

[ginadc]

Argh, Bella, I'm so sorry. This has to be so frustrating! Is it even harder than if it just definitely were a no go--like if she herself changed her mind and said, "No, I'm keeping the baby?" The fact that it's sort of up in the air has to be so hard. I think you're wise to assume at this point that it's not going to work out and try to protect your heart as much as you can. But I know that's not easy!

Things are looking pretty good here. We had our "30 days out" conference call with our adoptive family specialist on Monday, which was exciting but didn't exactly tell us much of anything we didn't either already know or that wasn't common sense. I am a little nervous because I haven't heard from bmom in a few days; I e-mailed her on Monday morning after our conference call, just to check in and see how she's doing. I'm pretty sure her ultrasound appointment is today and we're dying with anticipation to find out how it goes; both in terms of whether they're able to determine gender, but also just what things look like in terms of positioning, how the pregnancy is progressing, and so on.

I have a ton of work to do over the next 2.5 weeks (as a freelancer, I'm trying to stockpile a little extra financial cushion for the time when I'll be taking off work), so I find myself hoping that she doesn't go into labor before she reaches 38 weeks...but then I think I'm being crazy for wishing for anything other than that things go well and nothing happens to jeopardize the adoption.

Bella, I'm crossing my fingers for you that the right birthmom finds you quickly!

[Bella213]

Gina Look!

Our Birthmother Wrote Us!


Blank,

Sorry I havent replied back till now...

So much is going on, Blank called me and chatted with me here on line and asked if I have even met with the parents I want or made the choice for this BABY. And I was honest with him and he said he is upset at the fact that I would fill out papers before even meeting people face to face. He said I cannot go by talking to people over the phone that it is not healthy. I asked him what you want me to do then Blank, please tell me and I will try and do it..

He said to meet with whomever before I go signing papers and get to know them face to face. I said "Ok Blank, if I do that then will you fill out the paperwork and give it to me and after I meet with the parents then I can give it to them so they can give that to their lawyer? And he has agreed to doing this, so Im gonna go over there today and get his end of the paperwork!!!!!!!!!So I dont know when you can come to meet me and I will give you the papers the day that we meet or if you feel like you can do this.

I didn't even call Blank, he called me and asked me that question and I asked him if I met with the parents and my heart feels is right then will you do EVERYTHING to stand behind me and be supportive for me and my kids??? He said he would and that he can see by now I'm a woman that is set in my own ways and he is figuring out that I'm doing right by everyone and not just for myself. I told him that's all I have been trying to do. He did ask things about the labor and everything and I told him what I have in my birth plan and that's how I want it to be. That yes, I would LOVE for him to be there after it's all done and be by my side but I want NO ONE but the parents to be in room with me. He said he understands.

Blank

I am jumping up and down right now!! :D :D I hope and pray that we can meet her this weekend. We are closing on our new house tomorrow but if she wants we will drive up there right after!

I will keep you posted!

Bella

[ginadc]

Oh Bella--that's wonderful!!!! I am so excited for you! How far away is she? I can't wait to hear if you're able to meet with her this weekend. :D :D I have to say I am very impressed with how serious she is about this, how clear she is in her decision and how much she's communicating everything to you. That's amazing. Can you believe this roller coaster ride we're on?

Meanwhile-- drat! We have to wait another week on the sonogram!

I just received an e-mail from birthmom's social worker, and apparently the doctor decided to wait and do the sonogram next week. (Not sure why.) Her appointment next week is Tuesday, but she wasn't sure if the doctor meant to do the sonogram at that same appointment or a different day, so as soon as she figures that out, we'll schedule a conference call with SW, birthmom, us, and possibly either the birthfather and/or a good friend of birthmom's who's moved in and is helping out, to take place after the sonogram.

I'm frustrated that we have to wait another week to find out sono results, but it's a relief to hear news!

Meanwhile, she has stipulated in her birth plan that she wants us in the delivery room along with birthfather and her friend, who's living with her. We'll have to see if her doctor will allow this; apparently the number of people the hospital allows in the room varies by doctor, and she forgot to ask him at the last appt. I'm really thrilled that she wants us both there, though! The doctor says that everything's going well and that starting next week he'll begin checking her cervix and dilation.

How exactly am I supposed to concentrate on work with all this on my mind?

[Bella213]

Gina- She is due March 20th! She has been so upfront and honest from the first time we spoke and it hasn't changed. It's just be very scary the past 3 weeks since the bfather was not on board. I am so thankful that the two of them are working out there differences and that their relationship just might survive this whole thing. I just felt terrible that he was turning his back on her when she needed him the most. Anyway, like my DH keeps telling me, until I have those papers in my hands and we actually meet her, this is not real for me. I just want this rollercoaster ride to come to an end already..

Bummer on the u/s... Anticipation kills me. Tell me about not being able to focus on work....:rolleyes: That is awesome that she wants you in the delivery room. I am sure that if it comes down to only 2 people in the delivery room, hopefully she will pick you and Dh over her friend. But I guess you and her will work out the details. You know there was a point where I wanted to be surprised but now I can't wait to find out what she is having. Dh & I can't wait for that moment to happen. Where she will be giving birth, they will allow both of us in. Also, she is going to transfer out of the room so that Dh & I can be alone with the baby and she will move off the maternity wing. Although, I have to say, Dh is not really into watching the whole thing if you know what I mean.:eek: TMI He kind of feels weird about it so he might just assist me with helping her push and then when the baby is born, he will scoot over and cut the cord...lol I made her a promise and that was not to tell her what the sex of the baby is so I have to be on my toes when this baby is born so that no one blurts it out. I guess once we get the papers we can start preparing. I am just so scared Gina. I want to start buying stuff and everytime I go to, I turn around and get back into my car. Did you feel this way too?

Bella

[ginadc]

Wow, we've been quiet for a couple of days. Any more news, Bella?

We are having a conference call with birthmom tonight to get more detailed plans made for Birth Day. She had two ultrasounds this week--the second one as kind of a "gift" after the little one was very modest during ultrasound #1 and refused to reveal his or her gender. Unfortunately, the shy performance was repeated the second time, so we're going to have a surprise in the delivery room!

But everything about the ultrasound apparently looked good. Bmom is not yet starting to thin out or dilate, apparently, so she may go right up to her due date; we're going to ask more tonight about whether the doc thinks that will be the original due date of November 11, or the due date that would result if the doc's estimate of her being 37 weeks this coming Sunday--which would be November 20.

Bmom is being so incredibly thoughtful it's unbelievable. She's double-checked with the doctor that we can be there for delivery as long as there are no complications (he says it's fine) and wants us to cut the cord--how exciting is that? She really wants us to be able to be there in the delivery room, so we're going to try and figure out how to get down there in time. I'd like to try and leave a couple of days early, but the problem is even knowing what "a couple of days early" means! It doesn't sound like she's likely to go into labor anytime in the next week, but who knows?

So we're trying to get ourselves as organized as possible. We're finishing the nursery this weekend: DH is finishing the bookshelf, I'm painting two ledge shelves for the wall (for "treasures" we want to display up above the reach of small fingers), and we're putting up these adorable bunny sconces we found online in place of the old light fixtures. At some point, too, I think we're going to get a suitcase at least partially packed with baby stuff we want to bring and some clothes for us.

It seems so surreal!

[Bella213]

Hi Gina,

OMG, I am getting so excited for you :D :D ! This is awesome news! I am very happy to hear that the bmother is making sure the 2 of you can be present at the birth and yes cutting the cord is just awesome!!!! I can't wait until I can be in the same situation as you ;)

Nothing really new to report here. I am getting, I guess, frustrated with the bmom. I am upset that she communicated the good news via e-mail instead of calling. I thought that was very odd since she has been " going through a difficult time with the bfather and the worst part about it is that it's been almost 2 weeks since she gave us the news and she still hasn't called or made a real attempt in making concrete plans to meet. I am really starting to wonder about her. She told me that she had to go to her mom's because she didn't have enough money for fuel for the house she lives in until next payday. So I responded with, "Well let's make plans ASAP and once Dh & I have the papers, we can try and help out so that you don't have to go to mom's." She totally ignored the offer up to date. On Tues she writes that she is at moms and she left her oldest daughter with a friend so that she doesn't have to drive her 1-hour each way everyday to take her to school and back. 2 days before that she said she had to go to the ER because she wasn't feeling good but it ended up being stress but THE BABY IS OK. And then she said that her car is acting up and it might need an alignment or balance of the tires and if she get's everything done and get's some rest, maybe we can meet this weekend. :mad:

I am like "Whatever" at this point. She is really starting to annoy me because she is fully aware of how much Dh & I want to meet her and get this ball rolling and I feel that she is totally dismissing our feelings and what we are going through mentally. We have so much going on right now, moving and selling our current home etc. Plus our 800# is still not working!!! I am going to kill Verizon. They are going to try and get it up and running again today for the 7th time. So that even angers me more because a pbmoms can't even get through ERRRRR..:mad:

Sorry for the vent....

Bella

[Astro]

Bella,

I'm sorry the potential bm is being such a pain. It sounds like she's just stringing you along. (sorry if that sounds harsh or hurts). It also sounds like she's trying to find money or sympathy since she's mentioning her car needing fixed, she doesn't have money so has to move to her mom's, etc. If I was in your shoes, I'd be very hurt, confused, and angry about what she's been writing. None of it makes sense.

Sending hugs. Hope your 800 number is up and working soon.

[IrisHope]

True, but then why wouldn't she take any of Bella's money?

[Bella213]

Hi Ladies

Good news first.

DH got home yesterday and found a FedEx Package at the door. When he saw it came from our attorney, he quickly opened it to find a letter from him and a package from a pbmom. So apparently a pbmom from Oregon has selected us with possibly another couple! Anyway, we went through the paperwork and we decided we are interested. She is 16 and so is the dad. The both match what we are looking for so I immediately called the attorney and left him a message that we are interested. Hopefully they will call me today.

Bad News:

The other bmom, has kind of disappeared of the face of the earth. One excuse after another why she hasn't been able to meet us etc. We have thrown in the towel on her. I can't deal with all the "BS" anymore. We have offered to help, to meet and the worst part is she hasn't even picked up the phone once since the initial calls. I am at the point of "Whatever" right now. As far as I am concerned, she was another wacko out there.

Gina- What is going on?? Any news yet?? I think about you all the time. When you get a chance, post and give us an update. :)

Astro- Such is life right? I am getting so strong with all this stuff. I guess that's good for me because I have a tendency to think with my heart a lot and because of that I am constantly getting hurt. But I actually feel good about this whole thing. Just another experience and I am truly able to move on without looking back.

Anyway, I have to get ready for work.

Hugs to you all

Bella

[Bella213]

Holy crap, it has been a heck of a week in our household.

First thing first- The bmom that I have been going back and forth with just disappeared off the face of the earth. No more e-mails, not one once communication in almost 2 weeks. Oh well, I guess she taught me a valuable lesson and that is no one is real until I get the proof. I get home on Tuesday and there is a fedex package on the kitchen table. It's from our attorney. A REAL bmom is interested in us. Al her info was there for us to read and so on. I called the attorney the next day and told them that we are definately interested an to mail out information for her review. Anyway there is a few more couples she is also looking at so basically we wait. Then today I get a call at around 1:00 pm or so from the legal aid specialist at our office. She tells me that a baby girl was born yesterday in NY and an agency that they have dealt with before called to see if they had anyone interested. So the situation is:

The bmom wants to place the child. The bfather is going to jail because he beat an 80 year old woman almost to death. He refuses to sign the consent but from what I have been told is that if we are given this baby, within 3 months our documents will be approved in court to finalize the adoption therefore given that he is in jail by that time and even if he retains a court appointed attorney, he won't have a leg to stand on. OMG!!!!:eek: I almost fell of my chair! I immedately put her on hold an conferenced in DH. He was freaked out about the whole bfather not signing but after asking a million questions and also getting his sister involved (she is an attorney) we decided that the odds were slim to none that he could pose a threat once we have her in our home and everything is finalized. He will never know our names, or the state we live in because the court will seal all documents for atleast 20 years. So the legal aid specialist calls the agency back and tells them that we are ineterested in moving forward and they said that there is another couple expressing interest too. So she said "expressing interest and ready to go are two different situations." So the agency said that they were waiting for the bmom to come in sometime today to sign the consent forms. Once she came in they would be able to give her more information. So the legal aid is on call all weekend and if all goes well and the agency decides to move forwward with us, we might have her as late as Monday evening!!!! :eek: :eek:

We are so not prepared for any of this. I am running out tomorrow and I am going to buy a car seat. I can't believe this. It's either Feast or Famin in our life.

I will keep you posted if and when something changes.

Bella

[karlatta]

Hey ladies, I was hoping I could join here. Soon I'll go back and read all the stories to catch up. DH and I just finished our last cycle TTC with the RE and are now moving to adoption. I'm completely lost at where to start! I have so many questions, and I've tried to look on-line and I never seem to be able to find clear-cut answers.

I know that the adoptions are expensive. Can I go ahead and start working with an agency even though DH and I don't have all of the money we need yet? Should I work with an agency or an attorney? When should we tell people we are adopting? So many things I just don't know!