Planning BF's surprise birthday party... what would you do?

[udsweetpea]

BF turns 30 next month, and I'm planning on throwing a surprise party for him in a few weeks. Two of his female friends have offered to help, and one of them (A) offered to have a cook-out at her house for the party. Friend B agrees. I told Friend B that I think BF would actually enjoy going out to eat at his favorite brewery than go to a cook-out and sit around at someone's house. We go to Friend A's house every weekend for a cook-out, and I'd like to do something different for him. I just got an email from Friend B saying that she personally thinks the cook-out would be better than going out because it would be too costly. We go out for everyone else's birthday though.

How do I handle this and politely tell them that we're not going to do a cook-out? Or should I go ahead and do what they want to do since they offered to host the party?

[nylons73]

Forgive me but I don't think I'm understanding your problem.

From what I gather, you are planning a surprise party for your BF and you want to have it in a restaurant. Friend B wants to host the party, but this is not what you want or what you think BF would enjoy.

Where is the dilemma? Tell Friend B that you greatly appreciate his/her offer to host the party, but that as the planner/hostess of this party you are going to hold it at "X" restaurant. If Friend B doesn't show up because it's in a restaurant then I guess it's his/her loss. I don't know why you would agree to have a party that you are planning in a location that you don't approve of????

[mkredhead]

I agree with Nayla. You're the host, so you get to select the location. If they want to host an after party, that's their choice.

[udsweetpea]

I guess my problem (that I didn't disclose) is that Friend B and I have had many problems in the past, and I'm afraid to ruffle the feathers now since we've become friends again. If I choose to have it at the restaurant against what she wants to do, I'm afraid I'll make her mad.

[Missy2U]

I guess my problem (that I didn't disclose) is that Friend B and I have had many problems in the past, and I'm afraid to ruffle the feathers now since we've become friends again. If I choose to have it at the restaurant against what she wants to do, I'm afraid I'll make her mad.

And the dilemma is what, exactly? Ruffle her damn feathers! ;) Who cares if it makes her mad - if you doing something for your boyfriend's birthday party that you know he will really enjoy upsets her and doesn't agree with her agenda, um, that's kinda - er - insane, ins't it?

Tell her that you've given it some thought, you appreciate the input, but you've already made your decision/made reservations/sent out invitations/whatever and you hope they can join you. And leave it at that. And tell BF that I wish him a happy birthday! :D

[udsweetpea]

Thanks Missy! I needed that :)

[BethIrish]

Are you going to pay for everyone to eat at the Brewery? Perhaps friends A and B are concerned about cost?

That said, tell them thanks, but no thanks. You've decided to throw the party at the brewery!

[udsweetpea]

No, we've always had to pay for our own dinners whenever we go out for everyone else's birthday. Friend A's husband had us go out for crabs last year, and Friend B's birthday was held at a restaurant just a few months ago. Everyone else gets to go out for their birthdays, but its a cookout for Jeff's 30th? Not really fair in my eyes.

[Missy2U]

Thanks Missy! I needed that :)

Anytime, chicklet - anytime. ;)

[LittleFredPunkinHead]

No, we've always had to pay for our own dinners whenever we go out for everyone else's birthday. Friend A's husband had us go out for crabs last year, and Friend B's birthday was held at a restaurant just a few months ago. Everyone else gets to go out for their birthdays, but its a cookout for Jeff's 30th? Not really fair in my eyes.
I agree, it would be unfair. How about when you let A and B know that you're going to go ahead with the brewery plan, point that out? I wouldn't specifically say "this is unfair." But maybe you could say that you think Jeff will be hurt if you didn't do something different for his birthday, since you did so for their SOs' birthdays.

[bluberry]

Rather than just straight out vetoeing them, I would definitely explain to them the logic behind your reasoning. ex. "All the past birthdays we've celebrated together have been at restaurants and I definitely want to hold Jeff's at his favorite brewery as it would be a great way to mark the special occasion."

That way, you are expressing your opinion and ruffling less feather than a "my way or the highway" approach.

[udsweetpea]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I've emailed her back:

"I was just thinking that because we go over to Friend A and her SO's house for a cook-out every weekend, it would be nice to do something different and special. He's been saying how he misses going out with everyone. Is that okay? I don't want to put anyone out or make anyone mad. I can call the restaurant and see if they even make reservations for big parties."

I'm such a doormat. I shouldn't have even said "is that okay?"

[chaichaitea]

Hi udsweetpea, I'm glad that you found a place to host Jeff's 30th birthday that he'll really love. I think that you're right in making the plans at his favorite place, but also to take the feelings of his friends into account. I think that I might write back to the friend that offered to host the cookout--it is certainly a generous gesture to offer to have everyone over with all of the cooking, cleaning, and preparation that goes into a party. So, I would just write to her separately and say something like, "BTW, Jeff and I always have such a great time when we come over to your house and I really appreciate your offering to host a barbecue in celebration of his birthday. We're going to have the party at the brewery because he really loves their beer/we think that it's an easy location for everyone to get to/it will be a fun way to celebrate/insert other reasons here, but I really wanted to thank you for the effort. We can't wait until the next barbecue!"

Have a great time!

[ejs]

Andrea, we've all seen you stand up for yourself here on CC. So why can't you do it with these two women? He's your boyfriend; you know what he likes, so plan what you know he'll like. Don't ask them for permission.

I do wonder if these two women are concerned about the expense, though, and that's why they suggested a bbq.

[udsweetpea]

I think they suggested the BBQ because it would be a more relaxed atmosphere and maybe easier. But they never cared about other people putting out money when we all went out for their birthdays.

I'm not sure why I can't stand up to these women. ejs, I'm sure you remember me talking about one of them before, and we have since become friends and I don't want to start anything again.

[ejs]

I think you should just plan what you want. If they choose not to go, it reflects only on them, not you.

Because this is becoming so much of a drama, could you and Jeff just go away for his birthday? Then it will just be the two of you.

[udsweetpea]

We're going away to Colorado for his birthday, but he mentioned wanting to hang out with his friends for his birthday.

[ktsb]

I dunno....I think the door is still open for them to argue some more.

You may need to be a bit more straight forward. Easy for us to say I know.

So in case you have to address it yet again...go with something more along the lines of what chaichaitea suggested.

[udsweetpea]

Well shoot, the restaurant only takes big party reservations up until 4pm, which doesn't really work well for drinking beer and eating dinner.

I just spoke with Jeff to see if he is wanting to celebrate his birthday with his friends, and he said "no" because he feels like we're never invited to anyone else's parties (or weddings for that matter), and he feels like the "charity friend". I don't even know what to do now.

[ejs]

Well there's your answer. You said earlier that he said he wanted to celebrate with friends, and now he's saying he doesn't want to.

So just take him out to dinner at the brewery and forget about inviting his friends.