"Blood is thicker than water"

[MidwesternGal]

How do you feel about the saying and sentiments behind the phrase "blood is thicker than water?"

Do you think family should forgive and forget most offenses? Do you feel that you should come to your family's aide no matter what the problem is? What if your family contiously makes life difficult for you? Do you have friends that treat you better than your family?

I'm just wondering as I contemplate my relationship with ILs and their relationships with each other. They ascribe to that saying to a "t" and frankly, all I've seen it do for them is make things worse. They seem to use it as an excuse to let their children manipulate them or get away with various CRIMES against them, guilt factor their other children into things they do not want, or to guilt DH/me into doing various things.

Frankly, if I wouldn't let my friends treat me like that, why should I let family? I feel sometimes like my friends are more important, because I CHOSE them and they have proven their trustworthyness and loyalty time and time again, as I do for them. But IL family seems to think they can just do whatever to anyone in the family, because well, they HAVE to forgive, since they're related.

My family does not think this way at all--although they lie kind of in the middle, they tend to lean towards the sentiments of "you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends." I mean, of course, they help out family but only if that help is truly needed, not being taken advantage of, and they don't let other family members treat them like crap (which has happened, not trying to sound like my fam is perfect and IL's aren't) just because they are related.

This comes up as DH and I really need to get a will written and I'd rather ask a friend to take DS should something happen, rather than family.

Just curious to see how others think.

ETA: I'm not talking about cutting off ties or anything; just how you feel towards your family in regards to obligations towards them.

ETA: I guess I didn't phrase things *quite* right in the original post. . I wasn't trying to make it family vs. friends as who is more important (things got a little mixed up as I tried to explain myself). . .

but more, if your family treated you badly/acted awfully/commited crimes, would you continue to let them (whereas most people wouldn't with a friend) just because they're family?

[LittleFredPunkinHead]

I put that I'm in the middle. I wouldn't put up with bad treatment, but then, I've never been in a situation where my family has treated me badly, or done anything where I've had to look the other way. I suppose really, I don't know. I'd be shocked to be in the situation, and would probably have to assume that it was unintentional and so, forgive and forget anyway.

[GeekGirl]

I was estranged from my parents for a little over a year because of their inappropriate treatment of me and my DH. I don't allow anyone to treat me poorly, and that includes family!

[KristyK]

Well lets see. I haven't spoken to my one sister in 14 years. My brother, rarely. My other sister, only recently because of our mothers illness. I don't have anything against my extended family, except that most of them are losers with more than 2-3 marriages (one cousin is on #5!), and I don't know why they can't get out from under their idiotic lives, except they all choose to continue their lifestyles.

Most of my friends have been true friends, and I usually have these friendships for years, and the only reason they break up usually is distance and growing apart due to life changes. I believe that I can count on any one of my friends, much more than my own family.

I won't let anyone, be it friend or family bring me any further grief in my life. So no, blood isn't thicker than water, especially when your family is intent on constantly bringing grief into your life. The pain just isn't worth it IMHO.

[jnettie]

I think that family gets more flexibility than friends. For example, the behavior my SIL has been exhibiting would have been enough to stop talking to a friend, but not nearly enough to cut off ties with her as family. She's self-centered, but not outrightly cruel in any way.

But I truly believe there comes a time when family crosses that line and the best thing that one can do for themselves is to cease contact. Dad had to do this with his aunts (40 years of telling him he's stupid and can't do anything right no matter what he did); FIL doesn't talk to his sister and mom anymore (they tried to manipulate him into divorcing MIL); and I don't talk to my step-family anymore (they are directly responsible for their daughter's suicide and I can't even look at them anymore). IMO, this is reserved for extreme situations when you know that YOU have done everything you can and they are obviously not going to change.

[Linz]

Wow. These are some interesting responses.

I think I have an "odd" family so to speak. My sisters and my brother are some of my very best friends, I can go to them no matter what and I can tell them anything. The same goes for my parents, I am very close to them and see them once a week. I don't see my siblings or parents doing anything illegal so anything that they would face, I would be behind them 100%.

ETA: I should probably add that I just got divorced and every single one of my friends showed their true colors and has been anything but a friend to me and I have cut off ties with most of them while my family has been here for me through everything.

[jmvan74]

I voted in the middle, but there are many times I've sided w/ friends over family. My closest friends treat me better than my family does and I'm thankful to have those people in my life.
I'd definitely agree that there is more flexibility in regards to family, but OTOH my friends ARE family so, there is flexibility there, too. ;)

Blood is NOT thicker than water as far as I'm concerned.

[PookiePrincess]

I guess in general it depends on how your family is.

My immediate family (parents, brother) are great. My biological father's side of the family is full of a bunch of nutcases that never respected my feelings, so I don't talk to them. So for me, I would say no blood is not thicker than water. Just because I'm related to someone by blood doesn't mean that I have to put up with a ton of crap from them.

[Ilovemygeek]

I think that family gets more flexibility than friends. For example, the behavior my SIL has been exhibiting would have been enough to stop talking to a friend, but not nearly enough to cut off ties with her as family. She's self-centered, but not outrightly cruel in any way.


That is my feeling exactly, right down to the self absorbed SIL. I am willing to put up with a lot more from a family member than a friend.

[Katy]

I'm willing to put up with a little more crap from family than I would from friends, but not much. Not much more at all. Like the OP said, you can choose your friends, but not your family (which is probably why I'm much closer to friends than family)

[Niobe]

I won't let anyone, be it friend or family bring me any further grief in my life. So no, blood isn't thicker than water, especially when your family is intent on constantly bringing grief into your life. The pain just isn't worth it IMHO.

This is pretty much me. I don't need anyone making my life miserable, blood or not. FH and I both have family members we just don't talk to for this reason (including his father).

[penybryn]

Most of my family - blechhhh.

My parents are old and kind of nutty, not fun nutty weird nutty. They are raising my sister's daughter while she is in jail on drug charges. Of course its my fault I wouldn't take her and her baggage. She had 2 more kids after that one and one was adopted and one is in foster care. They talk about inappropriate things in front my children and don't even seem to notice its wrong. I make myself appear for occasions and holidays, but ever so briefly. It seems to annoy them that my kids aren't in trouble with the law and actually attend school on a regular basis. My life is pretty structured now. I never had any growing up. I'm one of 6 kids and half have arrest records. I speak the other 2 of us who don't and don't bother with the others.

I feel I have a right to choose who I have in my life and they just cause grief. I learned to let them go years ago.

[wendalah]

Yes, blood is thicker than water most definitely for me, and I couldn't marry anyone who felt otherwise. My husband has a spectacularly crazy family that drives me (and him) up a tree, but I would not be with him if he'd cut them out completely or did not have overall loving concern for them underneath any feelings of anger or annoyance. Cutting off family members completely tends to make me very uneasy. I think this stems from how I was raised: If anyone in my immediate family fought or argued, we ALL got upset.

I am fairly loyal with friendship, too--I have several friends who annoy the poop out of me, but they've been in my life for 20+ years and I can't just axe them.

[mindy75]

I'm in the middle I think. I'm pretty loyal to my friends and family, but there are some people I can not help. My bro, for example has mental problems and adds drugs and alcohol to the mix. I can't help him and I certainly would not let him in my house. My sister, OTOH, I'd move mountains for. She was kind of a surrogate mother to me. My father was not the greatest of fathers, but he meant well most of the time, so sis and I will deal with him until he's gone. My ILs, well there's no blood there for me, so I only feel obligated to be as friendly as possible or at least not openly rude. I would not allow anyone to continually hurt me whether they are related to me or not. I also feel like I have one child only and I don't need to be taking care of adults who should be able to care for themselves. And the only person that I would ever loan money to is my sister. It's hell no to anyone else no matter if they are friend or relative.

[LittleFredPunkinHead]

Yes, blood is thicker than water most definitely for me, and I couldn't marry anyone who felt otherwise. My husband has a spectacularly crazy family that drives me (and him) up a tree, but I would not be with him if he'd cut them out completely or did not have overall loving concern for them underneath any feelings of anger or annoyance. Cutting off family members completely tends to make me very uneasy. I think this stems from how I was raised: If anyone in my immediate family fought or argued, we ALL got upset.
Oh, you know, this is a good point I didn't think of. I guess I should change it to blood is thicker than water because although DH's family can be very dramatic (and same here, drives him and me crazy), I agree, I think I'd have a hard time with him cutting them off or even just not being tight with them.

[Linz]

Yes, blood is thicker than water most definitely for me, and I couldn't marry anyone who felt otherwise. My husband has a spectacularly crazy family that drives me (and him) up a tree, but I would not be with him if he'd cut them out completely or did not have overall loving concern for them underneath any feelings of anger or annoyance. Cutting off family members completely tends to make me very uneasy. I think this stems from how I was raised: If anyone in my immediate family fought or argued, we ALL got upset.

I am fairly loyal with friendship, too--I have several friends who annoy the poop out of me, but they've been in my life for 20+ years and I can't just axe them.

Oh, you know, this is a good point I didn't think of. I guess I should change it to blood is thicker than water because although DH's family can be very dramatic (and same here, drives him and me crazy), I agree, I think I'd have a hard time with him cutting them off or even just not being tight with them.

That is acually really interesting you guys mention that. My Ex-H's family is nuts. They are nice people but they fight constantly, like yelling, screaming, cursing, even fist fighting. While my family gets along really well. I am in counseling to deal with my divorce and stuff and my counselor has told me that it is important to find a parter with a similar family background as yours because your family is what structured your lives growing up and someone who grew up in an entirely different kind of family than yours has entirely different views on life than you do. I understand this may not be the true in all cases, I think my Ex-H just had a truly effed up family; i.e dad yells and curses, mom left him and his dad when he was a baby, mom had an affair with a married man, step mom practically acts like he doesn't exist, ect. If you have someone coming from a effed up family and someone coming from a close knit structured family it's hard to find a balance.

[tenofcups]

I voted that yes, blood is thicker than water, but I honestly have never been in a family situation where anyone has committed any kind of "major offense." I have and do currently and will stand by my family for anything they've ever needed and through all sorts of situations, but I don't know -- if someone was truly crazy or a horrible person, my answer might be different.

I've actually thought about this a lot recently as I know someone who has a mental disorder that recently came to light. He's currently in jail and no one in his family will bail him out -- because he's a danger to both himself and others. They've tried to help him in numerous ways and he won't allow them to, so they really have no choice at this point even though I know it's killing them to leave him there.

I can't imagine allowing my sister to stay in jail, for example, but if I thought she'd hurt her child? Then yeah, I guess I'd have to let her stay there. So it's pretty easy for me to say I'd be there for my family through anything, but if I really had a dysfunctional family, I don't know where I'd have to put the line.

[Sophia]

Family is more important to me than friendship. It would have to be something really major (murder, molestation) to make me not stand by a family member.

[MidwesternGal]

Wow, a lot of varied responses!

I guess I didn't phrase things *quite* right in the original post. . I wasn't trying to make it family vs. friends as who is more important (things got a little mixed up as I tried to explain myself). . .

but more, if your family treated you badly/acted awfully/commited crimes, would you continue to let them (whereas most people wouldn't with a friend) just because they're family?

Does that make more sense?

ETA: I 'll add this clarification to my original post.

[Irish Elf]

There are members of my immediate family that I also see as friends and friends I see as family. My mom is my one of my best friends AND family. My best friend is considered family. Does that make sense? When we have family events it's a mixture of relatives and friends. Unless it was something really drastic I would support them as best I could. That doesn't mean I would let them walk on anything but I would make sure they got help or came to terms with what they've done.

I don't see my in-laws as family in the sense of blood. More like an extended family or aquaintances. I'm working on being friends with SIL but will never see MIL as a friend. I wouldn't call her up for lunch but I would be there for a family get together.

DH has the best way of looking at it. Think of concentric circles. In the inner circle are the people closest to him; some are friends he's had since high school and some are recent friends as well as certain family members. These are the people he would drive across country to bail out of jail. The next circle would be those he would wire money to and then there are those he would hep by listening, etc. The closer you are to the inner circle the more help you get. It's a better analogy when drawn on paper. ;)

One the flip side I do expect more forgiveness from family. When my stepfather (tecnically ex stepfather) was sick he stayed with me for a few months. As his cancer progressed and it became time time for him to move in with his brother as planned that part of the family got mad at me b/c they didn't want to honor the agreement. They cut off all ties and at one point banned me from seeing stepfather even though they lived less than 2 miles form me.. I didn't see him for months They tried to keep me from the funeral but that didn't happen. I kept thinkig it was their grief making them act this way; that being family meant something. Unfortunately it didn't and I was not invited to the get together after the funeral. It was actually stated to me that I was not welcome in their house. We haven't spoken since and last I heard I was dead to them. Do I think we will evr talk again? Not on their part but I would like to think if I saw them I wouldn't be bitter or could get back what was once there.

So to answer the question, blood is thicker than water but you don't have to be a blood relative to have that bond.

[imagirliegirl]

if your family treated you badly/acted awfully/commited crimes, would you continue to let them (whereas most people wouldn't with a friend) just because they're family?

No. My mother is a very toxic person and I've chosen to limit my exposure to her. At some point that very well could go down to none at all.

She's toxic plain and simple. The fact that she's family doesn't take away from the fact that she's so unhealthy for me. I wouldn't tolerate that from an outsider and I don't feel I have to tolerate it from her just because she's "family".

[jnettie]

To me, the time to cut off family is when they repeatedly and purposefully act in a way to harm or diminish me. That even after confrontation, there is no change. When continued contact will do physical or psychological harm.

Family in jail...I can actually relate to that. Step-uncle's been in and out of jail ever since I've known him, and has been since he was 14. He was a scam artist, drug dealer, and drug addict. There was a time when the grandparents were hiding him. But that time has ended. His last stint in jail was for robbing a drug store, and this was after stealing his dying father's credit cards and emergency morphine. He's a useless piece of shit and I wish he could have stayed in jail forever. I believe in help and reform, but he really used all his chances IMO.

[artist]

Wow. These are some interesting responses.

I think I have an "odd" family so to speak. My sisters and my brother are some of my very best friends, I can go to them no matter what and I can tell them anything. The same goes for my parents, I am very close to them and see them once a week. I don't see my siblings or parents doing anything illegal so anything that they would face, I would be behind them 100%.

ETA: I should probably add that I just got divorced and every single one of my friends showed their true colors and has been anything but a friend to me and I have cut off ties with most of them while my family has been here for me through everything.

Same here! There are some "friends" who were anything BUT friends! Luckily in my case there have also been plenty of friends who have been quite amazing! But like you, my family has been really amazing and very much there for me. However, I am fortunate to have a wonderful and loving family who I am close to. Sure, occasionally they might do or say annoying things, but 99% of the time they are amazing. Friends on the other hand have the potential to be luke warm or flakey. Even though I do happen to have some very close and wonderful friends in my life, I am cautious with friends in general. I've been screwed over enough times by supposed "friends". People in general tend to be self-centered and care mostly about their OWN needs over ANYONE else's. With that in mind, family (if you HAVE a good one) are the only truly RELIABLE people. I feel that I can tell my family most anything and they generally won't use it against me or to THEIR advantage. I tried to trust and love a husband who SCREWED me over big time. I thought I had "friends" who I met through him. They basically were assholes to me and treated him like a king despite his disgusting ways. I tried to love his family. My in-laws have been truly AWFUL people, probably surprisingly WORSE then him! With that in mind and various "friends" in the past who I've been burned by, I don't trust many people or I only trust people to a degree. Sounds kind of Machivellian of me, but I base this on past experiences. My family on the other hand has NEVER truly let me down. They are there when or if nobody else does. They love about as unconditionally as humanly possible. They are supportive no matter what. They stick up for me always. I would do the SAME thing for them. They ARE my friends too. They are better "friends" than ANY friend ever has been.

[artist]

That is acually really interesting you guys mention that. My Ex-H's family is nuts. They are nice people but they fight constantly, like yelling, screaming, cursing, even fist fighting. While my family gets along really well. I am in counseling to deal with my divorce and stuff and my counselor has told me that it is important to find a parter with a similar family background as yours because your family is what structured your lives growing up and someone who grew up in an entirely different kind of family than yours has entirely different views on life than you do. I understand this may not be the true in all cases, I think my Ex-H just had a truly effed up family; i.e dad yells and curses, mom left him and his dad when he was a baby, mom had an affair with a married man, step mom practically acts like he doesn't exist, ect. If you have someone coming from a effed up family and someone coming from a close knit structured family it's hard to find a balance.

I can relate to that! My family is wonderful, supportive, loving, NOT flakey, and most importantly STABLE!

His family is filled with alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, flakiness, and just plain bullshit. His dad who basically treats women like shit by basically cheating on them and being a workaholic and NEVER home and NEVER there emotionally. He basically just marries a new (and younger) woman when he gets bored with the current wife and has a million babies with various women over the years. What a way to royally screw up your children and their eventual marriages! Way to be a role model for a man to your sons!

My family on the other hand is still very much in tact, very healthy, and very loving. My dad is egalitarian and believes in women's rights. He treats my mom very well and very lovingly. He's always been a wonderful husband and father and role model. My mom has also been a wonderful wife and mom and role model of a great woman. I grew up knowing that a woman's power and intelligence is a good thing as opposed to a threatening thing. In fact, as a female I was encouraged to be smart and powerful. My intelligence and success was always considered WAY more important than whether or not to get married. Man, I wish I had listened to mom when she wondered if I really should marry my STBXH and wondered if I'd get bored by things like him not having as much education as I had. I guess I was blinded by love or something. It also would have been really helpful if HIS family would have warned me about him being a drunk with some serious mental health problems! I suppose they were pleased someone would marry him since they never really gave enough of a shit about him in the first place. They were about as UN-supportive and UN-involved as anyone could get.

STBXH was jealous of my wonderful family since his family (who he loves anyway) is such shit. They couldn't even really be there for him (as far as I know) through our divorce because they're too busy with their stupid overpriced ugly as crap beige McMansions in the ugly suburbs. They're too busy buying themselves overpriced 30K diamonds on their very manicured hands.

His family shows love with money.

My family shows REAL love.

[wendalah]

Well, to be fair, I have had my moments where I've wondered if mine and my husband's upbringings/families were just too diverse. We have polar opposites, seriously. But, if you love each other and want to have a successful marriage, you just have to put in the work to try and understand each other's roots and POV. It is not always fun, that is for sure. However, in some ways I think because we are *forced* to do this work, we might have a better chance of marital success than a couple who isn't obligated to check in and work on things regularly.

[artist]

Well, to be fair, I have had my moments where I've wondered if mine and my husband's upbringings/families were just too diverse. We have polar opposites, seriously. But, if you love each other and want to have a successful marriage, you just have to put in the work to try and understand each other's roots and POV. It is not always fun, that is for sure. However, in some ways I think because we are *forced* to do this work, we might have a better chance of marital success than a couple who isn't obligated to check in and work on things regularly.

True.

In my case I certainly tried to understand. It's a bit hard to do when the other person fails to do their part of the work.

[Scooter]

Midwestern Gal, sounds like your own family has boundaries, while the ILs are manipulative and don't.
but more, if your family treated you badly/acted awfully/commited crimes, would you continue to let them (whereas most people wouldn't with a friend) just because they're family?
No. I have too much respect for myself and MY family (DH and DD) to allow ourselves to be put in that sort of situation. Oh and again that pesky idea called "boundaries." ;) If it's family, I'd try to do everything I could to get them to access help or information, but I'm not sacrificing my family's health and well-being for them.

ETA: When I think about it, for the sake of family I'm willing to put up with continued aggravation and annoyance that I wouldn't with friends, and go way out of my way (further than with friends) to help them. That's the difference to me.

[Natasha]

I don't allow anyone to treat me poorly, and that includes family!

Yep, I agree wholeheartedly. I love my family, and they are super important to me. I am very close to my immediate family, and pretty close to my extended family. But if they were repeatedly breaking the law or treating me, my spouse, or my children poorly, I would not take it.

[Standrea]

My cousin was one of my best friends, and I have completely cut her out of my life. She wasn't invited to my wedding, and part of the family was really upset about it, to the point that they weren't going to come. Her father signed our book "Blood is thicker then water". She just was not a good person to be in my life around that point-she was/is(I think) very negative and was out for attention by hurting others. I had nightmares she'd show up to my wedding with a paintball gun and shoot my dress up!

[MidwesternGal]

Scooter, you nailed this on the head:

sounds like your own family has boundaries, while the ILs are manipulative and don't.

I guess I am just getting frustrated at repeated situations and aggravations wtih ILs that in no way would my DH *ever* tolerate from his friends, and no way would even ILs themselves let "outsiders" (ie, me who married in or someone else) say or do. . . . but then because they themselves are doing it/acting like it, it's okay and you have to forgive them because they are "family."

Like I said, I kind of garbled up my original post; I was very curious to see if my family/me were th oddballs and that I wasn't up-to-par in the whole "forgiving family" for many offenses idea or if others felt like me.

________
I do have to comment that a lot of you mentioned that you tolerate more things from family simply because they are family. . . I think I'm the opposite! I have more regular contact with family versus friends and I think I let more things slide with friends because I don't have to deal with it on a day-to-day or even week-to-week basis. But with family, esp. ones who see you or call you often, it's always in my face (so to speak) and lots of times, I can't NOT go see them or talk to them (where I can with friends) so it ends up driving me even crazier.

Does that make any sense?

[Irish Elf]

MidwesternGal - I see what you mean. if you have relatives that are always involved in drama, and your family is close then you se all the drama all the time. Whereas with friends you can avoid it easier.

I think I let things slide more with family b/c I know it's really hard to cut ties so I try to live with the issues as best I can. Also I usually have more info as to why family is acting the way they are and sometimes the extra info is enough to help me understand why.

(Damn, that last sentence is so gramatically incorrect.)

[Kimberland30]

I'm in the middle. My family has never treated me, my DH or children badly, so it's hard to imagine them ever doing so. However, if an issue ever came up and I had to decide between our family (DH and children) and my family (bro, parents, etc), I'd probably be more apt to defend our family if it's warranted. So in that case, blood is not thicker than water.

But if, say, my brother were to tell me something about DH that I didn't know and DH denied it...I would probably believe bro over DH. No reason not to.

If it came to where I had to either save the life of my child or save the life of my husband, I'd chose my child. Same goes with saving the life of one of my parents/bro vs saving DH..I'd probably save my family member. Hopefully I'll never be in that situation though.

[KK812]

I'm in the middle. I don't talk very often to my immediate family because they have pretty much ostracized me because of the decisions that I've made. I will (and have) readily admit my mistakes, but that's not good enough for them. When I do try to have a relationship, any little thing will set them off, because it seems like they want an excuse to be angry with me. Because of this, I decided that I will no longer make an effort. If they want to make an effort, I would not turn it down, but I'm tired of being treated like crap.

This has been going on for a few years, though-if it weren't family then these relationships would have long since ended.

It has helped me realize how I want to treat my future children and that I will never cut them off or treat them so poorly that they want me to cut them off-when they are adults I will express my displeasure with their poor decisions, but beyond that I will just try to be there for them.

[Soulmate]

I think family is no different than other people you choose to be around. If they act hurtfully and like idiots I try not to be around them just like friends and acquaintances. Sticking by family when they are committing major offenses is enabling which is damaging to you as well as to the person you are enabling. No good for anyone.

But my family, with the exception of my father, has not really stuck by me in any sense so I don't fully realize a tight family bond that nothing can break. I haven't talked to my mom since April because she acts extremely hurtful to me and my family and is unwilling to even look at her behavior.

[udsweetpea]

I'm in the middle. My parents and my brother are some of my best friends, and I'll stick by them no matter what. Even when my brother calls me a self-absorbed, pompous princess, he's still my brother and I won't disown him for that. However, its been 10 years since I've spoken with my mom's side of the family. Her parents always treated her badly, so my family has broken all ties with them. I will never think twice about reestablishing any bond with them ever again.

Friends are a different story. I will not put up with fair-weather friends and ones who talk behind my back. I only have a small group of close friends for a reason.

[isaacsmommy]

Well, I guess blood isn't thicker than water for me. I don't speak with my mother or stepfather. The way they treated me for years when I was just a CHILD is just unacceptable to me. I know I could have had far worse things happen to me (I was never physically or sexually abused), but that doesn't mean I should forgive their actions. Once my brother was born when I was 9 it became apparent (especially in hind sight) that I was more of an obligation to them than anything. My mother has even told someone that having me was the biggest mistake she has ever made. Also, she told me once as a child that when she was pg someone proposed that a couple they knew would adopt me, and heavily implied that I sould feel lucky that she didn't choose that option. Little did she know that during the bad times I would try to imagine what it would have been like if she had did just that, at least adoptive parents would have wanted me.

We also don't see my dh mom, but for completely different reasons. For many years she has been mentally unstable and it became to much for he (and our realtionship) to endure, so we made a choice to not have communication with her.

[pocket]

I believe that family should support each other in hard times. We have cousins on both sides who don't walk with the law all that well. But they are still family. We just don't ever give them money. One of the biggest reasons I feel this way is that even the cousin is shady, his wife and kids are still family. Being shady just makes you shady, but that doesn't mean you aren't in the family anymore. Some of my relatives are poor, and need to be supported and helped in emergencies. Some need help with immigration stuff. Some need a place to stay when they are coming through town. We both have very large families. I don't allow people to treat me badly as a general rule, but I don't really know anyone in our family who does or who would. It's never come up as an issue. When my family need something, they are just as pleasant, loving and respectful as they are when they are just hanging out.