Whose job is "harder"?

[Esq.]

DH seems to think that I have it easier than him bc I "don't have to go to work." I am a SAHM, but I have also had 2 divorce clients in the time that I have been staying home. I do the housework, the shopping, etc.

I have worked outside of the home before the birth of my DD. I have not worked outside of it since (with the exception of limited court appearances. Phone calls, etc, I do from my home...when DD lets me:)). I feel reasonably educated enough on the matter to say that being a SAHM is the hardest job I have ever had. I guess it might all depend on what kind of kid you have (mine is pretty energetic and high maintenance).

Thoughts? Do you think the person who works outside of the home has the raw end of the deal? If you are a WOHM, who stayed home for a while, what do you think?

[Marisa]

I always tell DH, as hard as it was to cope with things today, you didn't have to try to focus on work with a small person wailing in your arms. And as annoying as your boss can be, he didn't rub his lunch into your clean shirt or follow you into the bathroom to watch you pee.

DH isn't fond of this conversation. :)

[Sophia]

What Marisa said.

Do you think the person who works outside of the home has the raw end of the deal?

Well, yes, in that I can't imagine any people DH deals with are more wonderful than our child. :)

[jennylou]

DH would like to think that his job is harder - until he stays home with DD. The other night he was in charge, since I wen to my cake decorating class. He told me that she screamed as soon as I walked out the door and therefore, he wasn't able to finish what he said he was going to and could I do it. Um, so, you can't finish any work while with DD, but somehow I can? Nice.

He knows I work hard, and when he forgets, I have no problems reminding him of how challenging things are with her.

DD has always been a high needs type baby - colic in the beginning and now just wanting constant interaction (need to pee - too bad!).

Some days I tell him it would have been nice to go to work and sit at a desk all day. ;) Of course, on the same token, when the weather is crappy outside, it's really nice to just snuggle in a little longer in bed with DD. There's definite trade offs. :)

[catmom]

I think it was harder being home until DD was close to 2, but now I think it really depends on the day. I suspect that on DD's good days, my job is easier. Although it kills me that when DH is sick (or just exhausted), he stays home and in bed all day. When I'm sick, I'm just SOL.

[Traciann]

I think they are both equally hard, just a different set of pressures. I watch dd all.day.long and my dh has the pressure of providing for our family and a very demanding job.

I am not really sure what you mean by raw end of the deal.

[Sophia]

I think it was harder being home until DD was close to 2, but now I think it really depends on the day. I suspect that on DD's good days, my job is easier. Although it kills me that when DH is sick (or just exhausted), he stays home and in bed all day. When I'm sick, I'm just SOL.

Yeah, that happens here, too, and it really annoys the crap out of me.

[Esq.]

The other night he was in charge, since I wen to my cake decorating class. He told me that she screamed as soon as I walked out the door and therefore, he wasn't able to finish what he said he was going to and could I do it. Um, so, you can't finish any work while with DD, but somehow I can? Nice.

Last night, after DH got home from work, I was on the phone with my mother. I was in the baby's room, holding her, and he came and got her. He promptly put her on the living room floor, and then went into the kitchen and shut the baby gate behind him. He forgot, despite us having a conversation about it not 20 minutes earlier, that I had soft scrub on the bathroom floor, and he didn't close the bathroom door. I went sprinting to close it as I heard her coming down the hall (I didn't know that he had put her on the floor until then). When I told him that he didn't shut the door before he put her down, his response was "I can't do everything." :rolleyes: To which I responded, "I can, so you can too." Really, all he had to do was shut it before he put her down. He just didn't think to do it. So he made some lame remark when he was called on his actions.

[kimthebride]

I find the biggest differences between my high-stress job before and my high-stress job now (SAHM) are:

1. Before I could truly get a break: go to lunch, not answer my cell, just tune out work 100% and escape whether for an evening or a quick break during the workday.
It is WAY harder to mentally break away from being a parent to someone, even if they are happily napping away in the next room. Not to mention that my job literally NEVER ends, since my office is wherever the kids & I are!

2. No one's life really depended on me before. When you gain that perspective, something in you changes priority-wise.

[LeslieR]

I think both of our jobs are difficult and demanding in different ways. I suppose I'm lucky in that I usually get a 3 hour break every day whereas DH doesn't get a break at all-all day long (his company actually had him and the other pharmacists sign something saying they wouldn't sue or whatever over not getting breaks). I hate dealing with the public, so I really appreciate being the SAHP. And DH definitely does have the raw end of the deal as far as leaving the house to go to work, often working 12 hour days. Not too many opportunties for WAHM pharmacists. Well, maybe there are, but I think they're called drug dealers.:p There is definitely a lot more pressure on him-if he doesn't get enough sleep, he can make mistakes and possibly hurt someone. The pressure to provide for our family. Etc. The only pressure I have is the pressure I put on myself with the constant mommy guilt and worries that I'm completely effing my kid up.:p

[hmbay]

I honestly thing staying home is harder usually--BUT I am the WOH parent and DH is the SAHP (also works pt) and I find it a bit unfair that he expects I'm still supposed to do half the cleaning, all the laundry, all the errand running, all the cooking etc because "it's not fair I have to do it all" are his words. Um buddy if I was the SAHP you'd expect ME to do it all....So honestly in OUR house I think I probably have more stress between being the main breadwinner, insurance carrier AND still being expected to do all that household crap--his job might be harder but I'm probably more stressed out.

[Esq.]

I am not really sure what you mean by raw end of the deal.

who has the better situation, the SAHP, or the WOHP?

I should mention that I don't really think our roles in these terms, generally. But then he started making it clear that he thought I had it better than him, and I definitely don't agree.

Both positions have perks, no doubt. But I think SAH is harder. At least for me it is.

ETA: my DD doesn't really nap, and never really has. She is a very vocal and demanding child. She is really only happy when we are out of the house, which is often not possible. If DH works 12 hours, so do I. I was up at 4 this morning, he slept until 4:30. The only time I have to myself is when everyone has gone to bed. I live at least 45 minutes from all family, and have no friends in the area, so I have no one to help me out at any time. DD goes with me everywhere. every.where. When DH gets home at night, he plays with her a little (maybe 30 minutes), and he puts her to bed (which she is generally not bad about. He goes upstairs, puts her to bed, and then watches baseball for the next 30-45 minutes).

[Asha]

not a sahm yet, but with that said..

i agree with leslier, but that's bc my dh is a pharmacist. some jobs are much more stressful and hardwork than others, so i think it completely depends. leslier's dh's situation is not atypical for pharmacists. my dh works 13 hour days. no breaks except for the bathroom. he eats his food in bites here and there. he is literally on his feet all day. he deals with rude and annoying customers. his superiors don't appreciate him despite him running one of the best pharmacies of his chain. on top of that all he has to financially provide for the family.

i think i will have the better end of the deal bc i will get to spend the day with someone i am completely in love with. dh has already expressed sadness that i will get to spend more time with dd than he will.

[LeighW]

I WOH 4 days/week. I took a 6-month maternity leave and went back to work while my DH took a month of paternity leave before DD started daycare. DH and I are both attorneys.

He and I both agree that SAH it harder. He didn't think so until he SAH himself. ;)

I agree it's the loss of freedom. No matter how stressful your job is, you can usually take a few breaks, finish your coffee while it's hot, think a few thoughts of your own, etc. (most days, of course there are exceptions).

Not true when you're at home with a demanding child (which my DD is).

I'm not saying there aren't perks either way, but I think your DH needs to have your DD by himself, all day, for a few days, to truly understand.

[Koala_Gurl]

I find the biggest differences between my high-stress job before and my high-stress job now (SAHM) are:

1. Before I could truly get a break: go to lunch, not answer my cell, just tune out work 100% and escape whether for an evening or a quick break during the workday.
It is WAY harder to mentally break away from being a parent to someone, even if they are happily napping away in the next room. Not to mention that my job literally NEVER ends, since my office is wherever the kids & I are!

2. No one's life really depended on me before. When you gain that perspective, something in you changes priority-wise.


My thoughts exactly! I would love just a "sick" day or personal day once and again! ;)

I have to say though, being a SAHP is the hardest but the most rewarding job ever. It really makes my old job as a consultant seem so...unimportant. (Not knocking the profession, really, I used to LOVE it! Just for me, I have a new perspective, I guess.)

And, I think all this hard work in the beginning is for a payoff a bit later. (Hmm...both kids in school...I get giddy just thinking about it!)

[myshel]

Hmm... I'm not sure how I feel about this completely. I've been home with DD for 3 months now and will return to my job as a teacher in August. Honestly, in examining who has the harder work load, I think what one does outside of the home really affects the decision.

Right now, DH works as a software engineer for a large aerospace company. He doesn't work long hours, but there's always the potential for him to do so. He's under tight deadlines and has contracts worth millions of dollars depend on him and his co-workers. On the other side of the coin, he does get a lunch break, is showered every day, and has interaction with adults. He also literally can leave his job at the end of the day at work, because much of it is government work, and therefore, "secret."

Being home, I feel as though I'm attached to DD 24 hours a day because I bf. She is not content to sit around like my DS was, and she requires much more in the way of cuddling and interaction. I hardly ever get showered before DH comes home and when I do manage it, I usually exit the shower to the sounds of a wailing child. I feel an enormous pressure to keep our house clean, do the laundry, and cook our meals even though DH has made it clear that my only responsibility while at home is to care for DD. He encourages the team approach on everything else, which I can say I'm truly lucky for. I just wish there was some "me" time in there.

However, when I return to work in August, I will definitely get the "raw deal." This where what you do outside of the home comes into play for me. While being a teacher isn't as demanding as say pharmacy (god bless those of you married to pharmacists... I had no idea!), there is the same concept of no breaks through out the day, short or no lunches (our lunch period shrunk again from 23 minutes to 18), and I have the added responsibility of preparing some else's child for college and life in the real world. Add that to the fact that as an AP English teacher, I'm always having to read (books and papers) and plan on my nights, weekends, and school vacations, my life will suck. Then add my two beautiful DCs to the mix plus a lovely, but often neglected DH.... AAH!

I think jobs, in general, are hard-- some moreso than others. I do think that being a SAHP is super difficult. I know that I could never do it fulltime unless I wanted to have a nervous breakdown. The flip side of that, however, is that being that SAHP is so much more rewarding in the long run than any other job I can think of.

[SiValleySteph]

I think this is an argument no one can "win." And do you even want to? Why does there have to be a "raw deal"? If it's a raw deal to be a SAHP, why be a SAHP? I thought, generally, people are SAHP because they want to be.

I was home for 4 months after DS was born and it was both easier and harder than working. Of course, now DS is a different person at almost 3, so I'm not sure how it would be now.

I think the problem here is that your DH is not appreciating the work you do as a SAHP. Can you have him watch DD all by himself for a day (or maybe even an hour or two) while you go out with friends? That should pretty much solve the appreciating problem. :D

[mommydearest]

To me, my job is way harder that staying home with DD. I am a middle school music teacher in inner city Indianapolis. There are lots of evenings and weekends, and the kids don't know how to deal with frustration very well. There is little personal responsibility and its always "that teacher made me..." Yes, there are days I like my job. But I am always happy to get home to DD. I was home with DD for the first 3 months, and have been home since the end of June, and taking care of her is WAY easier and I have a lot more enjoyable activities--going to the park, playing on the floor, and great grandma sitting. I am dreading going back to work!

Now, between taking care of DD and DH's computer programming job, it is a toss-up. His job is boring a lot of the time and I'd say his job is easier than staying home, though it is not nearly as full-filling.

[Traciann]

ok, gotcha! i think for our family its pretty evenly split. my dh's is a high school band director at a brand new school and its very demanding and time consuming. so even though i have dd more, I think in the end its even. I try hard to get *my* time be it going out with friends or escaping to target when dh is at home by myself. dd is very, very busy but I think its gotten a little easier as she has gotten older. that or I have adjusted to my role as a sahm?

[steviem]

Before I was a mom, I used to skoff at the women who would say being a SAHM mom was hard work. I honestly didn't believe them. Now that I am a mom/SAHM, I totally "get" what they were saying...... the "job" never ends.

Before my son was born, I worked full-time in a semi-high stress sales job. I traveled quite a bit (both domestic and overseas) and I had a 3 hr commute each day. But, when I came home from work, I was DONE for the day.

Now, I am a SAHM mom, plus, I am doing 20 hrs of data entry per week (from home). I am also starting a new event planning business. I work harder than I have ever worked in my life. I am up at 6:30am and go to bed at midnight. In addition, my DS has only just started to STTN so I was up every night 2-3 times up until a month or so ago. When he naps, I don't relax, watch my favorite show, etc. I am running around trying to get the house in order, make dinner and get a few things done on the computer for my event planning business. Once I finally get him down for the night, my "other job" begins. I spend 3hrs+ doing data entry.

Every.single.minute of my day is occupied with doing something for someone/something else: caring for my son, cleaning, cooking, gardening, grocery shopping, pick-up dry cleaning, data entry, emailing wedding clients, etc. I feel tired and stressed out all of the time..... way more than I ever did working full time.

I tend to get envious of DH. He has what I consider a "cushy" job. He has to drive a lot, but, he typically leaves the house at 9:30am and is home by 5pm. He gets to eat at nice restaurants for lunch and doesn't have to worry about a 1 yr old acting up while he is trying to eat. He can focus just on himself.....he also gets to go to the bathroom in private......it's the little things I miss!! :rolleyes:

Aside from the above, I wouldn't change a thing. I love being home with my son and I really do love taking care of my family. I just get overwhelmed at times and need to take a break for myself (which I rarely do.)

[Tonysweetie]

DS is a very easy baby and we live in a 2 bedroom apartment so it doesn't take that much cleaning. DH works on the space shuttle so I'd say his job is way more harder and stressful than mine. Sure some days I want to pull my hair out but it's rare. Sometimes I wait until DH gets home from work before I clean so he can watch DS.

[PinkMartini]

Thoughts? Do you think the person who works outside of the home has the raw end of the deal?

Been a SAHM since DS was born. Prior to that I worked part time in retail so my job was never 'tough.' DH has a hard, labor intensive, out in the sun all day blue collar job. I definitely think he has a 'harder' job - especially physically. But I'm mentally/emotionally challeneged more often I think. I have a 9 month old stuck to me like glue all.day.long. We don't get out often so I'm home alone with him almost 99% of the time. Very draining especially at 6 months pregnant :(

[mermccau]

I am a working mom and have an 8 month old.

I am no brain surgeon or rocket scientist so I will say that working is a piece of cake compared to taking care of a child.

[BooeyJ2]

Leave the baby with your DH for an ENTIRE weekend ALONE....with NO help.....and I guarantee he will appreciate what you do A LOT more ;)

Thank god i've never had to do that since DH has been a HUGE help since day one.....but my sister had to do it with my BIL and he definitely understood and helped a lot more after that :)

[KiKi'sMommy]

After quitting my job to stay home with my 2 year old and a new baby, I have discovered that being a SAHM is 100% harder than anything else I have ever done. I am with my "customers" 24/7. When they all finally go to sleep, I am usually cleaning, ironing, or trying to get a tiny bit of me time before I fall into bed. BUT, I would not change it for the world. I love being with my kids and I love the freedom that I have to go places and do interesting things. I do feel bad when my DH leaves early in the morning and we are still asleep, but he also goes to bed much earlier than I do and he doesn't have to iron his clothes, give the kids baths or worry about the sink full of dishes from dinner. For two years, I got up early every morning to get myself and DD ready to go to daycare and work, while my DH slept. I have also allowed DH to sleep late EVERY saturday since our DD was born in 2005. So, even though I know he has a lot of stress on him and works very hard, I don't feel like we are unequal in the amount of "work" we do.

[quest]

For me, the only reason it's hard to be a SAHM is because DH assumes that it's easy-peasy. You're HOME, why can't you get x, y, and z done? He (and most people) just.don't.get.it.

I WOH part-time, and can't wait until I don't even do that anymore. But I'm sure when that day comes the 'assumptions' will get even worse. My thing is, I don't WANT time by myself, a day off, etc. Because when I do get that (going to work, haha) all I do is miss my kids. What I WANT is for DH to just DO some of the 'normal, everyday' things without me asking. That way, I'm not grumpy when I get up in the morning because he left his dishes in the sink again. His thinking? I'll be home, I have time. Yeah, right. The second I get up I have babies to take care of, so stop ASSUMING I have all this free time! I want to be a happy mommy, not a stressed-out, cranky-at-daddy, omg-look-at-this-house mommy.

Wow, that turned into a vent. But lately DH just doesn't realize how much I do...so much so that I was thinking of making a list of everything that 'has to get done every day' to see how much of it he's going to start doing. ;)

[IzzyJune2006]

Before I was a mom, I used to skoff at the women who would say being a SAHM mom was hard work. I honestly didn't believe them. Now that I am a mom/SAHM, I totally "get" what they were saying...... the "job" never ends.


I tell people the same thing all the time. My opinion has shifted 100% now that I am a mother. I am a WOHM and I will admit that I come to work because I need a break. There is no way I would have the patience to be with DD day in/day out. She is a very energetic and active toddler, so totally wears me out. I am truly happy on Monday morning to have my "day off" at work. :)

The hardest part though really is those periods when DD doesn't sleep well. Being at work sleep deprived and still having to manage the housework chores is not easy either.

Now I can't even fathom what it must have been like for my grandmothers who had 8 and 9 children. :eek: SUPERWOMEN!

[boilermaker]

I didn't read all the posts here, but I don't understand this mentality. Is SAH with your child hard work. Yep. Is working in a fulltime professional job hard work? Yep. In any job, there is a learning curve. Your DH may not be able to SAH with your DC on a weekend but could you just walk into his job without any training and perform it for a few days? I know I couldn't. But I do know that my DH could figure out how to SAH with our DD if he had some time to learn her nuiances and such. Just as I could prob figure out his job if I took the college classes necessary for the degree.

Now if your DH thinks being a SAHM is easy work, well that is totally ridiculous and he needs a good lesson in what it takes to be a hands-on parent!

[mamax2]

I WOH p-t, but I still think I probably have the better end of the deal. I bust my butt a lot, I'm busy all.the.time, BUT, I very rarely look as utterly overwhelmed and stressed out as DH does. He owns a company and balances loads of money every day. I can't imagine what it must feel like to be responsible for paying 30+ other people and knowing they're all depending on you. Add to that, that he's also their personal financial advisor, therapist, confidant, etc. The stress he feels when money is tight, when payroll is due, etc., well it's just not something I'd want to feel. Sure, I'm responsible for my kid's lives, but it feels intuitive and natural and even when they're screaming and mean, at least they're little kids. When DH's employees or customers get $h!tty w/him, well, you better believe they're not curling up in his lap giving him kisses an hour later, kwim? I guess, for me, with kids you get lots of fresh starts and if you mess up, they're really quite forgiving. The adult working world isn't much like that. :(

[AmyE]

I have a 2 year old and 8 month old twins. I WOH. I can definitely, abolutely, not-a-question say that being a SAHM in my situation would be 10X harder for me than going to work everyday, even on my most stressful job days. I don't think there is a 'raw deal,' however, and this is the decision I made and I'm (mostly) fine with it.

If I felt the other way around, I could SAH. Same for DH.

I think the biggest problem is when one parent doesn't recognize how hard the other parent is working - either at home or at work. Neither is "easy."

What DH and I really want to do is win the lottery so we could both stay home, and still afford to have a nanny from 1pm to 5pm so we could bake cakes or read Harry Potter or go to the gym. And maybe the occasional date night. :D

[twainny]

My mom sent me this e-mail... i think it applies here! Totally how I feel!!!


What Do You Do All Day?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding Into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it.

[Sarah]

I SAH and I think my husband works harder than I do, and has a harder job. I am sure this depends on the person and the job, but I think it's true for us. I have 2 kids, both of whom wake up around 6:30. One goes to bed at 7, the other at 8. The younger one naps a couple hours in the afternoon, and the other has a rest time during that time. I have several hours a day without the kids, then. I do 90% of the chores (he does laundry). I think my job is less sressful and taxing, and although I have my longer/harder days, it's really not that huge of s stretch for me. I get to go to Target, go to the grocery store, or walk around a mall if I want. Yes, the kids are with me, but I get to have fun. I can play at the park, walk around the zoo, and I can spend an afternoon making brownies or sitting in the pool/tub with my kids. I can go over to my friends' houses and hang out all afternoon and let our kids play.

My husband, although he likes his job, works hard and doesn't really get a break. He's stuck inside all year, even on beautiful days, from 7 to 5 or 6. He has to get up every day, no matter how tired he is, and has no chance of laying on the couch while the kids watch Cailliou.

Of course his job has perks- lunches out sometimes, adult interaction, personal bathroom time (:)), and my job has it's cons (cleaning the bathroom, wiping butts all day), but I still think generally my husband works harder than I do.

[elladee]

I've done both. When DD was born, I worked while DH stayed home with her. After 6 months of that, we switched. IMO, both jobs are hard in different ways. And both jobs have their benefits. I don't think there's really a way to say which one is "harder," nor do I want to.

[L&D Nurse]

My mommy job is harder. Period.

[Bloomwood]

One Saturday afternoon when DD was being particularly difficult - cutting molars and having a reaction to the measles shot - DH walked out of her room after putting her down for a nap and said "I don't know how you do it. I would much rather deal with demanding CEOs and investors than a cranky baby all day."

He made major points that day.

[Bloomwood]

twainny - that is GREAT!

[Tonysweetie]

twainny: That's funny!! I read it to my husband and he didn't think it was very funny. :rolleyes:

[Nigellas]

Being at home with my son is much harder than my old job, by far. However, it is also much, much more satisfying. I can honestly say that I LOVE my mom-job. Never would have said that about any of my paying gigs.

[thedoorchick]

I don't think you can say either job is harder. Each one has its difficulties, its rewards, its ups and downs. Each one is hard in its own way, and has advantages over the other in its own way.

A SAHP doesn't get to have time among adults all day. A WOHP has to be among adults all day.

A WOHP has to deal with petty office politics. A SAHP has to deal with a little guy who unquestionably runs the house. ;)

A SAHP has to be up for the day when the baby is up for the day. But, that's likely later than a WOHP would be up.

A WOHP has to dress for the office; no comfy jeans and T's. But a WOHP also has the chance to enjoy nice fashions and the excuse to buy them.

A SAHP is on call from the moment baby wakes. A WOHP very possibly has an hour or two commute every day (or longer!).

A WOHP probably likes his/her job OK, at least some of the time. A SAHP is almost certain to say s/he enjoys that job best of any job ever.

A WOHP likely spends 8-12 hours a day immersed in complicated business issues. But a WOHP also gets a break for lunch and to go to the bathroom.

I really think it's impossible to say whose job is harder because they are simply so different. There's no way to compare. And you know, I think that's the way it ought to be approached. No good comes of a spitting contest about whose job is harder in a marriage.

[Toonces]

I think they are both equally hard, just a different set of pressures. I watch dd all.day.long and my dh has the pressure of providing for our family and a very demanding job.

Ditto this.

There are days that I want to run out of the house screaming by the time DH gets home from work; however, I wouldn't trade a day like that for the bullsh*t of corporate politics. I got really burned out on corp America. I'm still jealous that DH gets to pee alone and go out to lunch with adults on a regular basis.

[gizzyntaz]

I think a lot depends on how much you like your job (whatever it is). My DH happens to love his job, and rarely comes home stressed (when he does, it's because of pressures he puts on himself, not pressures from above), which I think is pretty uncommon for people who WOH. I happen to love my job as a SAHM, it's a perfect fit for me. So we both are generally happy.

That doesn't mean on the days that DS wakes up cranky or vomiting and DH gets to go off to work, I don't grumble. Or on the days we've both had a rough night and I get to stay home and take a nap, I don't feel a bit guilty.

DH wouldn't begin to question how "hard" my job is (or vice versa). It's important to both of us that our children have a SAHM, so it doesn't really matter if my job is hard or easy.

[Dally]

I think a lot of it depends on your outside-the-home job, too.

I was a SAHM only during my 4.5 months of maternity leave. To me, that time was definitely easier than my corporate job. But I had a really stressfull corporate job. Once I got back to work, it was really difficult and weekends, when I could be home with my DD, were a relief. I know the job of a SAHM never ends, but the job of a WOHM doesn't end, either. When you are home, you are the at-home mom, you know? You still have to be "on" for your kids and do housework and all the other stuff that goes along with running a household.

So, I don't think there is a raw deal for anyone. Both can be hard, and how hard depends on the job, the child (or if there are multiple children), and the personalities involved.

I agree that the important thing is that if there is one WOHP and and SAHP, they need to have respect for what the other does.

BTW, when my DD was 17 months old, I quit my horribly stressful corporate job. :) I still work FT, but now I'm looking to quit to work PT. So, I can attest that a less stressful job definitely makes a difference in how difficult it is to WOH. I imagine that having a low-needs or high-needs child for a SAHM makes a difference, too.

[pullbuoy]

My DH and I were both lawyers before kids(so I knew EXACTLY how hard is job is or isn't), and I've recently reentered the workforce after a parenting hiatus. We have 2 kids, 16.5 months apart.

The first 8 months after I had my first child(I SAH'd), my job was easier than DH's. The baby slept plenty, stayed where I put her, I could take her to 2 hour lunches with my friends and still have done a "good job" for the day. She was a very, very easy baby. But still always up earlier than DH had to get up; actually in all the families of my acquaintence, the baby gets up earlier than the WOH parent would need to get up. I guess we all have morning babies. :)

Then I got pregnant, and very sick, and every second of every day was suckier than DH's, no matter what he was doing.

Then at 16.5 months, we had our second, a high needs baby. Sweet lord. I didn't even have the energy to muster an angry glare at the suggestion that ANY office job, nevermind a cushy lawyer one, could approach the difficulty of my days. We'd just moved and were gutting our house; I took care of two babies all day; it was hard. When DH got home at night I tended to run and hide in the playroom to check the internet, and instead usually passed out within 45 seconds of my butt hitting the couch. It was like a freaking war zone. I would have welcomed the chance to work, but I don't think I could have held down a job on the tiny amount of sleep I was getting and total lack of energy from the stupid nursing. I wish that was hyperbole. On the worst days I was literally on my feet for 14 hours straight completing some baby related task.

It continued on like that for about 6 months, at which point it started on an upward trajectory (2 steps forward, 1 step back).

Now kid 2 (we've resolved the issues that made him high needs) is 20 months, kid 1 is 3, and it depends on the day. My work days are generally less tiring than my at home days(and I expect things to get a bit easier when I go full time soon), but definitely a stressful day at work can out-hard an easy day at home. And we do now have plenty of easy days at home.

So, it depends on when you ask me, I guess.