Self-Image?

[mrstim]

Here's a question...How can I help myself be happy with who I am?

As a person - I love myself! I think I'm pretty nice.

As a person - I think I look horrid. I'm not pretty. Why can't I see myself as others do? I know my husband says I'm beautiful, but he's biased.

All I see when I look in the mirror is a fat blob with bad skin and weird features. It's really bad right now - I just tried to take a picture of myself to put in my journal, since all I have is wedding pictures, and I deleted all 8 attempts because I thought they're too ugly to put up. I guess it's stupid, but I felt so ugly and now I'm in tears wishing I could just be pretty.

So - how do I get to that place where I'm ok with my looks?

I know, pretty shallow and lame of me, but I'm just wondering if I'm the only one out there who battles this....

[isign]

I'm dealing with the same thing. I know DH says I'm pretty, but he's biased. How am I getting through it? I just have to trust myself, which is hard. I am job searching so it's even harder to deal with my looks. I just came to a point one day when I realized that I am pretty because I think so, not because the world thinks so. I had to deal with the fact that I am over weight,but it doesn't matter because size doesn't dictate beauty, it's the inside. I started to become pickier about my clothes, my hair, even my nails become I am worth it and I am not going to settle for anthing less than what I want. Sounds Divaish, but I am far from it. I know that I have to love and accept myself if I want anyone else to love and accept me.

[Asha]

for many, many years i thought i was ugly. i would often cry about it. now, i am at a point where i don't think that way at all. there are certain aspects of myself i don't find attractive, and i don't think i am a conventionally pretty person, but i have become more realistic the way i look at myself. i think i am a beautiful person inside and out. i think there are way more things about myself that are attractive than unattractive. these are some things that helped me mature into thinking i was beautiful.

-go to another country. men in different countries have a more realistic idea of beauty. it was obvious when they found me attractive. i know this may not be feasible, but if you go out dancing where there isn't an all american crowd, you will notice the difference too.

-wear clothes that flatter your figure. i have always been slender, but for a long time was ashamed to show off my body. finally, i started getting clothes that fit and flattered my figure and i felt a lot better.

-make a list of your positive attributes.

-don't rebuff people who compliment you. simply say thank you.

-don't look at too many fashion or celebrity magazines or compare yourself to those people.

-make use of your body. go for brisk walk, hike, play tennis, dance around your living room, go to the gym, shoot some hoops, etc. you will make yourself feel powerful by doing these things and appreciate your body more for its abilities.

- take a glance at yourself in the mirror after having great sex. the slight flush in your cheeks, the glow in your eyes, and wild, tossed about hair will be amazingly sexy.


your feelings aren't shallow at all. everyone wants to be happy with their outward appearance. you can't help but feel that way since our society puts so much emphasis on it.

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[looch]

As i have gotten older, what i think of as beautiful has certainly changed. I used to think a person was beautiful if they had the perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect boyfriend, whatever. I now realize beauty is in how someone carries themselves, how they handle a stressful situation, how they show compassion.
I have also learned to take a compliment. For example, if someone says my outfit is cute, i say thanks, not oh this thing? i got it off the sale rack.
it makes a difference!
i also cancelled my us weekly subscription. face it, it's not realistic to judge yourself against people whose job it is to look fantastic. it was the best thing i ever did.

[wendalah]

Time takes care of self-image. I battled my looks in my 20s and started feeling good about myself in my 30s. You will eventually become comfortable with your appearance. I promise.

That said--there are things you can do to feel good about yourself: I think some of these have already been suggested:

1) Work out regularly. Don't become obsessive, but do a little exercise a few times a week.
2) Eat good, healthy meals
3) Buy some flattering, cute clothes that make you feel good--they don't have to be expensive, just flattering and appealing. I'm a firm believer in putting a little aside in any budget to buy some cute clothes.
4) Find something that matters to you that has nothing to do with your looks. Volunteer for a cause, adopt a homeless animal, go to a religious service, study a course you are interested in. Capability, intelligence, and compassion are beautiful things. I'm sure you have a friend or relative who is not technically "beautiful" but is a vibrant, interesting, attractive person because of who they are inside or the life they lead. Sounds cliche--but true!
5) Ask the man in your life what he finds attractive about you. Then, work on enhancing that! My husband says he likes my style. So--I work hard on being stylish! He also says he likes my "sparkle." So I cultivate that. He also (here comes the pig part) likes my figure. So I make sure I maintain it and wear clothes that enhance it. Men are great for making you feel good!

[Elizabeth]

Not to make light of how you're feeling, b/c I totally understand... but... look at you! http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91e0c2a374e000000015108AbtGzJk4Ytf

You're adorable! You have beautiful big blue eyes, a beautiful smile and great eyebrows. (Hey! Eyebrows are important!) And a lot of women would kill for your nose.

And you snagged a cutie husband! :p

[MrsSmith]

Amy, it's all about what you tell yourself. Do you ever see women in the mall with flashy outfits and their heads held high? You have every right to be the EXACT same way. You have to allow yourself to feel good about yourself. Don't concentrate on the negative things. There is always going to be something that could be better or that someone else has that you want. But then there are the things that you have that someone else wants and the things that make you who you are. There are days when I look in the mirror and want to cringe because of a bad hair day or skin day or whatever. But I know that I can slap on some makeup (bad skin day), a hairpiece (bad hair day), or whatever else and keep my head up high. I make the decision when I wake up every morning and you can do it too. Just try. Start telling yourself that you are pretty and that you deserve to be called beautiful by your husband. Soon you'll start believing it.

[charliezangel]

The other ladies are so right. What you tell yourself and how you see yourself is key. I thought for the longest time that i was ugly and fat adn that nobody would want me. It was a horrible feeling and i used the physically hurt myself because i thought that i could make myself look better if i motivated myself. I would hit my face, or cut my arms. My life was miserable. I started seing a female therapist and she told me to do something that, to this day, makes even my "fat" days wonderful. She told me to stand completely nude in front of the mirror (it's best first thingi n the morningg when your hair is all crazy and you have no makeup on) and say these 3 words "I AM BEAUTIFUL". Some days it's sexy, or pasionate, or smart....but everyday, i stand nude infront of the mirror and tell myself how wonderful i am. It has worked WONDERS for my self-esteem. I can honestly look in the mirror these days and see the most beautiful woman in the world. I am a size 18/20, but when i stand in front of the mirror in a cute skirt, or a sext top, or ever my PJs, I see a a supermodel strutting down the runway. It doesn't matter how many people tell you you're beautiful. We could all say it, all day long, but you have to believe it.

[pacificbliss]

This is going to sound really silly but if you immediately want to feel better about you go look at yourself in the mirror and force yourself to smile. Hold that smile until it makes you laugh a little. I don't know what it is, I think it alters your brain chemistry or something and you will stop picking out all your little flaws. I definitely go through periods when I look at myself and all I see is a fat girl with a big nose and eyes that are too small and set too close together. To make it stop I take a shower and pamper myself a little...new face cream, hot oil for the hair, anything. Then, when I get out of the shower I look at myself in the mirror and smile. Eventually I stop seeing the things I hate and I see my blue eyes, my long curly hair, a dimple I forgot I had.

As for the pictures...I am the least photogenic person I know. There are a few photos of me I like and most of them were taken by my husband. Give your husband the camera. He will take pictures in those moments when he sees in you what he loves about you and you will look as beautiful as you did on your wedding day.

I hope you feel better soon.

[GeekGirl]

Not to make light of how you're feeling, b/c I totally understand... but... look at you!

You're adorable! You have beautiful big blue eyes, a beautiful smile and great eyebrows. (Hey! Eyebrows are important!) And a lot of women would kill for your nose.

And you snagged a cutie husband! :p

I TOTALLY AGREE.

Actually, you like so much like my roommate my senior year of college, it's scary. And I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. Your face radiates such wholesome warmth, and your smile is so genuine! You have the innocent-girl-next-door look down - which all my guy friends tell me is the sexiest possible look for a woman to have. You don't look plastic, you don't look fake - you look charming and graceful and friendly and approachable - and beautiful!

And I can't possibly be biased, I don't even know you.

[isign]

Ok, your wedding pictures are amazing. Girl, you planned an awesome wedding. I had to pull this picture here
http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5db35b3127cce91e0d095f5ef00000015108AbtGzJk4Ytf
That is so cute. I also love the picture of just his face while ya'll were kissing. He is so adorable.

[GeekGirl]

I forgot to mention that your hair is gorgeous! Do you have any idea how much I wish I could grow my hair to look like that??

/jealous

[mrstim]

Thank you all so much! I talked to DH tonight a little and he doesn't understand insert rolleyes smiley Anyway - I really am stunned at how you all see me! I guess after looking at the same old me for so long I needed to see myself out of other's eyes. :) I really needed all the compliments today! :) I'm going to treat myself to a hot bubble bath in our jacuzzi and maybe do my nails or something :) Again - THANKS so much - I'll be back tomorrow!

Even though I didn't post this to see what you thought of me, I'm glad to see that some of you have gone through the same things. It's so weird how the media can affect the way we view ourselves, no? I guess I've gotten a little too into looking at celebs and such - I do have to remember that I have a life and can't just train for 3 hours a day, nor do i want to.

Anyway - like I said, Im learning lots from your posts, SO please don't stop posting! I would love to hear from more ladies whom have gone through the same thing. How did you overcome it? I greatly appreciate it!

[Irish Elf]

I am not photogenic - I always look much heavier/blotchier/whateevr in pictures than in real life. that being said I do have a few good ones and when I'm feeling down I look at them. One is a prom picture,another from my sister's 18th birthday and another from a friend's wedding. I like the last one b/c you can see some cleavage ( don't know where it came from though :) ).

i have to agree with the above posters. pick something about yourself that you like and focus on that when you feel down. I like my eyes and when I 'm having a bad hair day I make sure to do them up. Same if I have a pimple or whatever.

I ahve outfits I like and wear them b/c I like them. i have an outfit that everyone compliments but i'm not find of it. Therefore I don't feel pretty in it. But my red cowboy boots that make others cring? Now I'm sexy when I sport those.

Anothing thing that has helped is I have gotten older but look younger. All those years of hating my chipmonk cheeks are coming in handy in that at 33 I still get carded. So in high school I was everybody's kid sister but now I'm the hot young wife (at least in appearance if not age.)

I do look to media to see what's considered beautiful butI look at it as a study in human nature. Soem of my favorite people are the ones who aren't perfect or young or have the best figures.

And if you are really feeling bad, pick up one of the magazines that has pictures of celebs without makeup etc and you realize they look so good b/c they work at it.

WHen I look at your pictures I think you are very pretty and seem like someone I would want to hang out with. And if you have just as winning a personality then you are way ahead of many people.

[Paperweight]

I run through a lot of the same feelings. I heard something once about a gal who admired Audrey Hepburn and longed to look like her. But she was of a bigger build than the slender Hepburn and she didn't have H's tiny button nose or the facial structure to pull of the little pixie cap haircut. She lamented and lamented until someone pointed out that she carried many characteristics of Sophia Loren, who is busty, voluptuous and sexy with wild hair and interesting features. I think the point was to not want to be something your are not and can never be and instead focus on the positives of what you are.

I had a sort of revelation today that put myself in a better mindframe. I picked up the pizza for the office and the gal behind the pizza counter was CUTE. Just cute as a button with a nice figure, tanned skin, beautiful white white teeth and really striking blue eyes. Bleached blond of course. I started comparing myself to her. Her pair of thighs probably were the size of one of mine. My hair could never be that straight and silky. And on and on.

Finally I thought, this is silly. I am NOT an 18 year old high school graduate. I do NOT have time to work on my tan, and I do NOT have the bone structure to carry off her hair style.

But I DO have nice cleavage. I DO have thick brunette hair. I DO have a nice sense of style and I DO have the confidence (That came with age and experience) to look her in the eye and smile and know that I am beautiful in my own way. And my husband didn't just have a brain fart the day he married me. He does love me exactly how I am and the sooner I act like myself (intead of wishing I was the pizza girl) the soon I can build a better life.

Also, the pizza girl opened her mouth and while I have no doubts that she is a very sweet girl, I have to also think that she's going to have a rough life for awhile. This also made me think that I'm so glad to be in my 30's and not just starting out.

[solongtogo]

I used to feel the same way about myself.

Then I became pregnant. And when you become pregnant EVERYONE has a story about their pregnancy or advice for you. The best advice that I recieved, that I'll gladly pass along to anyone...the best thing I can do for my child, is to love myself first.

Since hearing those words, I've yet to have a day where I never loved myself. I may not have supermodel looks, but that's ok. I'm needed and loved.

And so are you.

[Sand]

Someone will always be prettier.
They will always be smarter.
Their house will be bigger.
They will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go,
and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
Be Blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
"To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world"

[sandt8704]

I agree with the whole taking pride in you apperance. Doing special things for yourself, like getting regular manicures and pedicures, wearing cute clothes, etc can do alot for your self image.

I think the media has ALOT to do with our distorted view of beauty. When I was growing up, I remember looking through magazines and seeing these GORGEOUS skinny blond models. Then I'd look in the mirror. How is a 13 year old, overweight with frizzy hair and braces, supposed to feel about herself with that image in the magazine staring back at her??? Yeah, like garbage. And I truly believed that was the standard I ws supposed to live up to.

I don't remember when my views started changing, but I began to realize that ONLY the models look like that. And they don't even look like that...there's alot of smoke and mirrors there. We can only be the best that we can be. If a new shade of lip gloss is what can put a little hop in your step, then so be it. Hold your head up high and KNOW that you are a beautiful woman!!!

[HeatherFL]

I want to echo the other ladies. When I saw your pictures I thought how pretty you are! You look like the girl Alexis Bledel from Gilmore Girls and she is beautiful!

I used to feel the way you did. But then I started investing time in myself. And I mean big time. To the point where some people might find it shallow, but I have gotten myself a personal trainer, I buy myself stuff (clothes, shoes, purses) that make me feel *hot* (NOT slutty) when I wear them, I get my nails/toes done, I eat much better, I lightened my hair. And I've done a few other things...I am still me. I just take so much better care of myself. I don't think I am a supermodel, but I am very happy with the way I look. But I will tell you what, I definitely have my moments where I look at other women and want to be younger or have one of their features. But when it boils down to it, I am proud of the time I've invested and it wasn't until I made the investment I started really thinking "you know what? I am beautiful!"

H.

[Paperweight]

You know Heather, that's awesome. I spend so much time trying to not "be shallow" and at the end of the day I wonder why I don't feel the best about myself. Despite my inner efforts to keep my confidence up. I mean, I wear makeup and do my hair but I don't really make the most of what I have because I don't want to appear "shallow". Instead of having fun with my looks (gifts from God) I simply make myself presentable and hide.

You made a lot of valid points. I like how you said, "I'm still me, I just take better care of myself." You've inspired me to do something different tomorrow.

[HeatherFL]

I completely understand how you feel! I am glad I could help even if in a small way. :)

H.

[LittleFredPunkinHead]

I'll second the suggestion to check out magazines that show celebrities without makeup, without being airbrushed, showing their cellulite and flabby bellies. Everytime I see one on the racks, I buy it. Not to take pleasure in seeing someone look bad, but to reassure myself that the people on the magazine covers, in movies, etc., are not usually "real" people.

ETA: You'd be surprised how much it can boost one's self esteem to see that even Paris Hilton has cellulite. ;)

[DiscoDiva]

I agree with the others. You have great hair, a great smile, incredible blue eyes, and the list could go on! You have an aura about you that says, "I'm a good and kind person." That is SOOOOOO much more important than anything else! That is such an attractive feature and it's a shame that our society tends to forget it. And that's the feature I look for in a friend.

One thing to remember is that your self-image will change as you age. I used to be so concerned about my make-up, my hair, you name it. Over time, I've come to accept myself for who I am and appreciate myself. I don't waste as much time trying to change my looks or worry about every little thing. Plus, through life experiences, you will grow more self-confident with other aspects of yourself besides the physical, such as intelligence, overall knowledge, coping ability, inner strength, etc. Once you have that confidence in yourself, your looks become less important. And, others react to the change in your confidence as well!

[Sare79]

This thread could not have appeared at a better time.

Last night I got home and got out of my work clothes and laid down on the bed wondering how I could make myself look better. My FH came in and asked what was wrong. I burst into tears and told him that no matter what I tried, I just couldn't seem to get thinner. I am quite overweight, and I try so hard to make myself look better by focussing on my good features, but I just can't seem to get past my big tummy.

Sometimes I ask him why he loves me so much and he always has a long list of things, but I guess my own mind is more powerful. It's funny, I have days where I think I look great and days where I think I look awful, but the bad days seem to be outnumbering the good right now.