Lonely as roommate starts a new relationship

[Larissa]

One of my friends, "Claire", moved half-way across the country a couple of months ago with her partner. Her relationship quickly dissolved. Claire and I have been friends for a few years now, and Claire is also good friends with my roommate, "Jessica." Claire has been harboring feelings for Jessica for at least a year now, which came to light not too long ago.

Claire is in town visiting Jessica and I for the week. I understand that they just started a new relationship, but I'm feeling pretty left out.

Claire came in on Friday night, Jessica went to the airport to pick her up. I was asleep by the time they got back.

On Saturday Claire and Jessica went to the lake together and I saw them both for about an hour (keep in mind Jessica and I live together). They got back at 11pm at I was going to bed.

On Sunday we were supposed to spend time together-the three of us. They didn't decide to do anything until about 4:30pm and they wanted to drive an hour to go to a lake. The plan was to leave at 1pm on Sunday so that we had time. By the time they decided to do anything on Sunday I backed out of plans siting that we would get home too late and I had to be to work at 8am.

On Monday I talked to Claire for an hour duing my lunch break, and then another hour before the three of us went to dinner together. All through dinner they talked to one another. We decided to go get a movie and alcohol and one of our movie nights like we always have for the past two years. I asked Claire to ride with me (she's my non-bridesmaid) because I wanted to discuss something wedding related. Jessica stated that she wanted Claire to ride with her because Claire is her girlfriend and they haven't seen each other over the past two months. Ummmm, me neither actually. I pointed out that I hadn't seen her either and that they spent all weekend together.

They have plans for Tuesday and Thursday with just them. Wednesday is supposed to be the three of us and Friday Jessica takes Claire back to the airport.

I'm annoyed. I get a couple of hours???? And I have to hear "but she's my girlfriend"?????? Claire goes to work with Jessica all day during the day while she's visiting. And little things that I ask them to do, such as turn off the TV before going to bed, turn off the light in the kitchen, etc are not done. I end doing them. When I remind Jessica about these things, things she normally does, I'm met either giggles (think middle school girls) or "oh, sorry, you're closer, and it's annoying you and not me so can you do it?" Um, yeah, I was freaking in bed, and they used whatever room last.

I don't know if I'm being a baby or what. I know what starting a new relationship is like, all cute and fun. I'm just annoyed that I get no time with Claire without she and Jessica making eyes at each other or running off to ahem.

[KrissyCat7]

Dont feel bad, I think what youre feeling is normal. Its hard when you are used to having your friend around and then suddenly they have someone new in their life. I would try to be as understanding as possible and keep in mind that newness wears off. Im sure sooner than later she will be back to the same old friend. :)

[PG-rated]

You're in a somewhat unique situation - most of us know what it's like when a friend starts a relationship and suddenly has less time for us, but in your case your friend is RIGHT THERE yet not spending time with you!

I think the thing to do is ask your friend to set aside some one-on-one time for you when she comes to visit, and accept the fact that she's in a long-distance relationship and that's going to affect her priorities. Think about being in her shoes - if your SO lived in the same town as your dear friend, you would see the friend only a fraction of the time and your SO the rest of the time, right? It's especially hard because when they're together, you can't very well get away from them, so it's going to sting a little, but try to let them have this time together and they'll appreciate you for being a good friend later.

[bookworm]

I'm sorry! I've had friends of mine get involved with each other, and it does make you feel hurt and excluded. Unfortunately, I think only time will solve it :(. But you have my sympathy.

I think PG-rated is right--if you can be gracious now, it will serve you well later. But it completely stinks.

[Larissa]

Okay, so the one time I did ask for alone time I head "but she's my girlfriend."

I haven't seen either of them since I wrote this. Every time I come home for lunch (to see if Claire is home) she leaves the room to go take a nap.

I am in a long distance relationship so I feel as though I understand. What I don't understand is a grown up pouting and saying "but she's my girlfriend."

[PG-rated]

I do think they're being inconsiderate, even if I understand why. I think the next time Claire says she's visiting, you should talk to her directly about what time, if any, she expects to spend with you, and ask her to work that out with Jessica, as well. Make it clear that you want to give them their space, but you don't think it's too much to ask to have some time with your good friend from out-of-state. If she still blows you off, at least you'll know you tried.

[Marie]

I do think they're being inconsiderate, even if I understand why. I think the next time Claire says she's visiting, you should talk to her directly about what time, if any, she expects to spend with you, and ask her to work that out with Jessica, as well. Make it clear that you want to give them their space, but you don't think it's too much to ask to have some time with your good friend from out-of-state. If she still blows you off, at least you'll know you tried.

I think that is great advice. I know we all tend to get caught up with new relationships. Hopefully by the next visit things will have calmed down a bit.

[bookworm]

The other horrendous thing about friends getting involved is that it gets hard to keep them both as close friends. Social friends, certainly--but you can't really have a confidante relationship with both (separately).

If Claire is your close friend, take up your concerns with her and let her deal with her partner. The fact that you know and are friends with her partner notwithstanding, she has to be the one to set limits and boundaries.

Again, you have my sympathy.