Losing My Sister

[MandyMaloo]

Hey everyone! I am fairly new to these boards, but I wanted to post my experiance and hope that someone here might have some good advice about it.

Back when I was a freshman in high school, my parents divorced. It was a particularly nasty one, and to avoid the constant conflict, I spent all my time at my best friend's house. I had been spending all my time there before, but after the divorce they took me in like another daughter. I went on family trips with them, I'd do my homework over there, and 99% of the time I spent the night there too.

Anyway, my best friend had a younger sister and brother. Since 6th grade they had been calling me sister, and I seemed to have a pretty good connection with the yuonger sister. We would go out to movies while everyone else was away, and she felt she was able to tell me anything without being judged. She was also very sick. She was on the list to recieve a full heart/lung transplant. After many trips to the hospital and a new medication she was doing pretty well. She even got the offer for the transplant, but passed it up becuase the girl under her on the list was VERY ill.

Last August I got the worst call of my life. My best friend called at 4:30am...my "little sister" had died. She was only 18. She had been feeling like she had the tummy flu and had been vomiting that night, and apparently it was too much for her heart. I had since moved to Wisconsin, and they had litteraly gotton back from visiting me only days before. I couldn't believe it. I was crushed.

We went to the funeral (I was asked to sit with the family). I had never been to one before, and the fact that it was someone I was so close to made it so much worse. Since then I have had a verytough time letting it go. I'm still in shock almost...like I cant believe it happened. I've been dreaming about it too. I just can't get away from it!!

I just want to know if anyone has lost someone they were so incredibly close to. I know she's not in pain now, but I can't help but selfishly miss her. Anyone have anything that helped them through something like this? Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

(sorry so long!!)

[BethElena]

I recently lost two young friends of mine. One was 24 and one was 26. My 24 year old friend had been battling an extremely rare form of cancer, and my 26 year old friend accidentaly fell off a cliff while on vacation. Both were very hard for me to deal with. I found out about my 26 year old friend while in evening class, and I had to remove myself from the room. I just ran into my 24 year old friend's mother, and she is trying to scrape her life back together (she also lost a daughter at a young age, and her husband).

Sometimes it is so hard to figure out why those that are close to us are taken away - let alone so suddenly! I have found great comfort in a book that was purchased for me called "I can't stop crying" by John D. Martin and Frank Ferris, MD. I've also found comfort in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's books.

Time has healed some wounds for me. I know that I was just invited to a butterfly release in honor of my 26 year old friend. I also was able to help my 24 year old friend's mother out - she is having financial difficulties (who wouldn't??) and I was able to help her in a way that I could.

I hope that you are able to find some comfort. Sometimes I sit and write down my feelings. This helps me verbalize what is going on inside. Maybe you can write down all of your favorite memories of your little sis and mail them to her family? I know my 24 year old friend's mom said to me "Never stop doing that - no matter how much it hurts, it helped me so much."

[GeekGirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost alot of people I was close to...but I think the most painful was a little boy I used to babysit. I was thirteen, he was five. His parents were very busy people, so I would watch him and his brother two nights a week, and all day on Saturday. We got to be very close...they were my little men, you know? Anyhow, it was a Saturday in May, and I was supposed to be watching the boys as per usual, but I cancelled because there was a fair in town and I wanted to go. Just before I was about to leave for the fair, the phone rang, and a voice told me that there had been an accident, and my world was never the same again. He was driving his Power Wheels in his driveway, and turned around in the street. The car that hit him never even saw him. It was awful.

It's been eleven years since it happened, and I still haven't gotten over it. I wouldn't say so much as the pain is less, as it is that I just don't think of it as much. It hurts too much when I do.

[albuquerque]

Fifteen and a half years ago, I lost my step brother and my adopted sister in a car accident, coming home from school. I was tutoring a younger kid and I wasn't in the car that day. My step brother was a month older than me (he was 3 days past his 18th birthday the day of the accident), and we had lived together since we were 4. My sister was 10, we got custody of her when she was one month old, exactly 10 years less two days before the accident. I never refer to them as "my step brother and my adopted sister" (I did it here for clarity)--just as my brother and sister. After they were killed, I did a lot of research to get in touch with a half brother I'd never known (psycho biological father, long story), and while he's a nice guy, he isn't a brother to me. Blood doesn't make someone your brother or sister. Sharing your lives, your childhoods, your hopes and your fears--that is what makes someone family.

When they died, I felt like I would never feel good again. Color lost its vibrancy, food lost its taste. I felt like my life was tainted and nothing would ever have joy in it again. Time slowly changed that. Slowly being the key word. Now, I sort of feel like it is my responsibility to live for all three of us, to experience more, to take more vacations, farther away, to try more foods, to listen to more music, to meet more people.

I wish I could give you a formula that would help you, but there is no magic out there for this. Never be afraid to cry, and when you're with your best friend and her family, depending on their coping mechanisms, the thing that helps you all the most might be to talk about her as much as possible and to cry without trying to keep each other from crying. Many people can't stand to see someone in pain, it makes them intensely uncomfortable, and they'll do anything to try to "cheer you up" and make you stop crying, when the last thing you want is to feel "cheered up". This is where all those platitudes come in--she's in a happier place now--God has a reason for everything--blah blah blah. These sayings help some people, but for others (like me) it is simply necessary to cry a lot and to work through a tremendous grief. The greatest gifts that the best of friends gave me was to not only let me cry, but to show me how they also loved my brother and sister and to cry with me. This isn't the case for everyone--my stepfather can't deal with his grief, he never says their names, he took down their pictures and closed off their rooms. Everyone has to find their own way, just try to do it in a way that won't hurt the rest of the family (the way my stepfather's reaction to try to remove every trace of them hurt me and my mother).

The only thing that will really help is time. Get a counselor if you feel like you're losing it. Understand that the grief will never go away, instead it becomes part of you. In a way it is sadder when the grief lessens--it means you are recovering, but it means that she is farther from you and your life has filled in the space she left. In a way, I cherish my grief, I keep it alive (I allow myself to do what other people consider to be morbid things like baking them cakes on their birthdays and writing them letters on the anniversary of the accident), because in a sense it is all I have left of them. But in time, the colors will be vibrant again, and food will taste good again. And in the end, as much as it hurts to lose her, you wouldn't wish not to have had her in your life, and you'll feel grateful for the time you had.

[MandyMaloo]

Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. It helps hearing that others have been able to go through the same thing.

I've done a few things to help myself with the pain. The day after I returned from the funeral, I got a tattoo on my back that means "younger sister" in Chinese. It helped...the pain of the tattoo, and the constant reminder that no matter what- she's always with me. The night before the funeral her HUGE family and my mom and I (my mom delivered the eulogy) sat in the living room and shared our funniest memories about her. It was like through our laughter and memories I half expected her to come bursting into the room at any moment!

The first anniversarry of her death is coming up soon--August 31st. Her birthday was hard...Christmas was hard, Halloween (her favorite holiday) was hard. Going into her room and seeing everything still in there--like she was just on vacation-- was the worst. FI- who was lucky enough to meet her- lets me just cry, talk about it, and even have all out breakdowns about it. He never makes me feel bad about it- and goes out of his way to ask questions, just to make me feel like he knows my pain.

I really want to thank everyone for sharing with me. I consider myself very lucky to have played such a big part in her life, and am now getting involved in organizations involved with organ donation. I appreciate everyone letting me vent and share their experiances. Thank you!!

[Twylla]

{{{hugs}}}

I'm so sorry you lost your little sister. I do believe that when we pass we go to a better place, but I also know that it's not easy to let them go there.

Keep remembering her. That way you can keep her alive with you. What an inspirational person she must have been, to be able to pass up a life saving transplant to save a person in greater need than she. The world would be a better place if more people were that good.

Take care.

[Jenn (and Bill)]

Just wanted to add that there's a "Grieving" post in this section and you can always come and vent there. I lost my brother three months ago. He was my only sibling and we were extremely close all our lives but he was sick all his life as well. So I can't help you figure out how to deal with it because I'm not even as far along as you are. Maybe I'll take some tips from you!