What would you Do?

[dancn226]

My cousin is getting married in two weeks! His soon to be wife, has nothing to do with the family at all. For my grandfahters b'day she stayed at home and cleaned her room. Anyhow, they were also on vacation for my wedding. I didn't recieve anything from there for my wedding. So, what do I do for them! My husband and I are going to be the bigger people and go to the wedding and reception, becuase I love to have fun wtih my faimly, but what would you do for a gift? Should I or shouldn't I give them something????:confused:

[villanelle75]

IMO, you should certainly give them something. It is the proper thing to do when attending a wedding. Whether they did the proper thing in the past is irrelevant in this situation. It doesn't excuse you from being proper and generous. If you don't bring a gift, how it that any different that what they've done in the past that has so irritated you?

[Weddings by]

I'm sure that you know that giving a gift shouldn't be contingent upon having received one. Also, if you attend the wedding, it is expected that you will bring a gift. As for what to give, that would depend upon what you want to spend and what he likes, etc. If you have nothing in particular in mind, see if they're registered somewhere, or give them something that you loved receiving.

If you are looking to help facilitate her future involvement in the family, maybe you could invite them to spend time with you and your husband. Maybe she has a difficult time feeling that she's wanted? Some people have a difficult time initiating things. I hope that you have fun and are able to have the relationship that you want with them.


ETA--Eh, I type too slowly. I said basically the same thing as Villanelle. :D

[snowzilla]

If you're opting to attend the wedding, you should bring a gift. I don't see how there's really any question there. If you really have a problem with the fact that they didn't send you a gift for your wedding, then don't attend.

[Sami]

Of course you should bring a gift -- but you know this already!! Right? But based on their past behavior, I'd be tempted not to spend too much. Perhaps a small item off their registry, or a $50 gift card to Bed, Bath, and Beyond is more than sufficient.

[tenofcups]

I would give a gift -- but it would be whatever the least acceptable gift you can get away with in your crowd is -- and maybe even a little less than that.

[dancn226]

Of course I know I should bring a gift. My question is, how much should I really put out knowing the fact of how they treated me. I ugess I should tell you exaclty what happend. They told my grandmother that they sent me a chcek in the mail and that I ALSO cahsed it. When none of it was truth!!!

[May27JnJ]

I would give them a gift, just as you would give anyone else one. Don't skim on them b/c they didn't do you right.

[kindermom]

Of course I know I should bring a gift. My question is, how much should I really put out knowing the fact of how they treated me. I ugess I should tell you exaclty what happend. They told my grandmother that they sent me a chcek in the mail and that I ALSO cahsed it. When none of it was truth!!!
That is a different story. Sorry to hear about your situation. That said, they were not obligated to buy you a wedding gift, especially if they did not go to your wedding.

I am in a similar situation and here is what I am doing. My cousin is getting married this summer. I saw her at my wedding 3 years ago and before that it was about 8-10 years. She had the audacity to wear white to my wedding. I did not even wear white to my own wedding (it was cream). For family harmony, I am going to her overblown affair, staying out of town at a hotel, leaving my children behind, and giving her a gift in the $40 to $50 range. If we wer eeven remotely close, I would have spent 3 times that. But I just do not want to put forth much for someone I do not care for.

[snowzilla]

Of course I know I should bring a gift. My question is, how much should I really put out knowing the fact of how they treated me. I ugess I should tell you exaclty what happend. They told my grandmother that they sent me a chcek in the mail and that I ALSO cahsed it. When none of it was truth!!!

Well hearing this bit of information - honestly, enjoying my family's company or not - I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to show my support for a dishonest pair of individuals, family or not.

[villanelle75]

Of course I know I should bring a gift. My question is, how much should I really put out knowing the fact of how they treated me.


I'm confused, because originally you said:

Should I or shouldn't I give them something????:confused:

Anyway, it seems that now you have decided you will bring a gift, which is great. Since you have decided to go, I would buy them a modestly nice gift. If you typically spend, say $75-$100 on a wedding gift for someone you aren't super close to (like a sibling or best friend), I would stick with that range and maybe go with the lower end of your typical range, picking out something around $75 if the range above is your typical amount.

Now matter what they've done to you in the past, you have decided to go to their wedding. It sounds like you are attending so you can hang out with other family members, rather than in support of 2 people you aren't particularly fond of, but regardless, you chose to go so IMO you should treat this like you would any other wedding and deal with the gift like you would with any other wedding gift. It may pain you to spend your hard-earned money on a gift for people you don't like or respect, but you had a choice to attend or not, so you need to deal with the things that come with your choice.

Good luck, and I hope you have a nice time seeing your extended family!

[Weddings by]

Well hearing this bit of information - honestly, enjoying my family's company or not - I wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to show my support for a dishonest pair of individuals, family or not.

I wouldn't want to go, either.

[nawsgirl]

I would go (since at this point I assume you've already sent in your RSVP), but I would get them a small gift (depends on your family circle what small is).

But I would go one step further- either sometime at the reception (or, if you see them regularly, soon after the wedding), I would say something like, "You know, Grandma mentioned to me that you told her you had given us a check for our wedding and we cashed it. I feel terrible because we don't remember doing this, and I would feel just awful if we didn't thank you properly for it." I'd want them to know I was aware of what they were telling other people- and who knows, maybe they truly believe they did send you a check but it actually went to pay the electric bill or something :)

I wouldn't fault your cousin's fiancee too much re: family activities. Trying to fit into a new family can be very easy for some, and very difficult for others. Maybe it will just take her a little time....

[Missy2U]

But I would go one step further- either sometime at the reception (or, if you see them regularly, soon after the wedding), I would say something like, "You know, Grandma mentioned to me that you told her you had given us a check for our wedding and we cashed it. I feel terrible because we don't remember doing this, and I would feel just awful if we didn't thank you properly for it." I'd want them to know I was aware of what they were telling other people- and who knows, maybe they truly believe they did send you a check but it actually went to pay the electric bill or something :)

Oh yes. I totally agree.

And if it were me, I'd spend about $25 - tops. Get 'em a crockpot or something. But I can be a real petty witch at times. ;)

[eli1126]

Put me in the petty group. I would go get them a crock-pot too and call it a day :p

[dancn226]

I was thinking more along the lines of a toliet brush. Get this, they are still living with his parents, and have no plans on moving anytime soon. So Its hard to really think of what to get them since they will be using my ucnles stuff anyways. Do you know what I mean!! I am def. in teh petty group. But that is just me!

[Asha]

i have faced this situation several times with some cousins. i just wanted to give them a $50 gc which i thought was nice considering the slight they showed to our wedding. though, dh is the bigger person than me and we ended up giving them generous checks.

[tlew12778]

I was under the impression that invitation = gift required, even if it is just a token gift.

Anyway, you should certainly bring a gift. I think you are also taking her behavior very personally. It doesn't really seem like she "did so much to you". OK, she didn't attend your wedding, but maybe they had their vacation planned way in advance or they had personal issues that prevented them from attending. Her behavior towards your family is odd but maybe she has reasons for that too. You won't know until you try to foster a relationship with her.

For this situation, I would get a gift that your cousin would definitely appreciate. It would be nice if they could appreciate it together, but celebrate his day for him and get him something he would really like.

[dancn226]

This sounds like my DH. I told him we weren't going to give them anymore than what we spent on the card. There is a joke between me and my mom. She said that DH and I will be figihg about hte card, and you will see me at the card drop, pulling it out. I am not typically mean, but these people were so ignorant when it came to my wedding, that is it very hard to be decient about theirs. My favorite cousin is getting married next year, and they already told her they had NO PLAN ON BEING AT IT!!

Just got of the phone with DH, and he siad to just get them a picture frame. Since they wanted nothing to do with looking at our pictures, then we will take teh sample one out and put ours in!! Funny Funny!!!

[ellidew]

I've stopped attending ALL functions for people that don't ever reciprocate. I guess that's petty but how many weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, births, kids birthday parties do i attend and buy gifts for just to never hear from so and so when we're having an event? Not even a decline of invitation or a 'sorry we can't make it' but sent a gift. I've not been able to attend several events but I typically send a gift. Well, i've decided it's not worth it anymore and now I've begun ignoring invitations for these individuals. It's just not worth it imo. Especially for people I ONLY see when they want a gift! They don't want to celebrate with me... they just want another present. Obviously, i've had enough! :)

[permanentvacay]

I was under the impression that invitation = gift required, even if it is just a token gift.



Really??? i'm not expecting any one of my guests to bring us gifts - i just really really want to see friends & fam who i havent seen since the last wedding in my family...

i would much rather have them there, than a token gift - but that's just me..

[tlew12778]

Me too but I was speaking from the etiquette POV.

[KrissyCat7]

I think that you should always take a gift if you are going to attend a wedding....even if it is a small gift.

[carrie9142]

Do you have anything left over from your wedding that you could regift to her? Any crystal picture frames, or ugly house goods? That's what I would do! :p

[jajacobsen]

And why was your grandma asking the cousin what the cousin gave to you? Why were you discssing this with Grandma? Did you ask Grandma to ask them what they gave you as a means of checking up/prodding since you had not received a gift from them?


Honestly, there seems to be a lot of back story, bitchiness and pettiness here, probably from all sides. Maybe the fiance geniuinely thought your cousin had sent you a gift, and he hadn't. Maybe she was confused? Maybe give her and him the benefit of the doubt? What do their post marital living arrangements have to do AT ALL with te type of gift you give them? Unless they are living with you nothing.

If you wish to continue the pettiness, then give a crap gift. However, if you want to be the bigger person and maybe establish a better relatonship AND enjoy the wedding with your family, graciously accept, attend, and bring an apprpriate gift.

But you knew that, right?

[NicoleWisconsin]

I don't know how or why this thread got resurrected, but it looks like the wedding was in May or June.