How much is too much?

[chaichaitea]

I was reading the threads started by rileyandfredsmom and udsweetpea with great interest, and I could really relate to the conundrum that they were facing. It got me thinking that sometimes I feel that there's a culture surrounding weddings where money/time is spent that the participants may not be able to afford. I think that most of us want to give as much we possibly can to celebrate this important step for our friends and family, but that an overload of expenses and time commitment can feel draining--and well, just not celebratory.

Let me explain: This summer, I will be a guest at three weddings. During one of the weddings, I will also be a bridesmaid. All three weddings are spread across different parts of the country--all will require flights and hotel rooms for two nights each. In addition, I will spend $$ on a bridesmaid's dress, matching shoes, hairstyle, and gifts for each couple. The wedding in which I am a bridesmaid has a "destination bachelorette" party which will require an additional flight, hotel, and spa trip. Now, perhaps all of this flying is the fault of my attending college and graduate school far from my home (if only I had known) but I am realizing that this summer, I will spend more than $2,000 participating in weddings. I've known about these expenses and have budgeted for them, but it has been a struggle and it seems somehow odd to have been eating ramen all winter (well, figuratively) so that I could afford this expensive bachelorette party spa trip and to be a guest at these three weddings. So it got me thinking:

With my friends, normally if one of them called and said that they wanted to go on a trip or have a celebration, I would feel very comfortable saying, "I can't afford that right now" or "Things are so busy at work right now that it's difficult to take the time off." if that were the case. With weddings, when a friend getting married says, "jump" I just say "how high?" I love helping a friend with such an important time in her life, but lately it feels like weddings are requiring more time and more money that I can afford.

What do you think? Am I just being a crank? And how can one effectively control their finances and time better? I certainly don't want to feel resentful about spending time and money to celebrate such an important occasion with friends as I am really looking forward to participating in each wedding. It's just that it seems impossible to tell a friend that you just can't afford it--even if you really can't.

[udsweetpea]

I just wanted to chime in and say I can't agree with you more. I'm going to be budgeting in a "bridesmaid budget" when its time for me to get married. I want to ask my friends to be bridesmaid but don't want them to feel financially strapped. Each one of them lives in a different part of the country, and I'd be more than willing to pay for their flights, dresses, and any other costs. It just doesn't seem fair otherwise.

[IrishEyes]

All of these threads have hit home, because when I was in my 20's and in graduate school, I could not afford to travel to weddings and I couldn't afford much in the way of wedding gifts (I'm sorta thankful I wasn't asked to be in many weddings, since that's another expense). I missed several weddings, because I could not afford to fly, rent a car, hotel, etc. I hope my friends understood, but I'm not sure.

It's been easier since I got a real job, but now we have a toddler, so when we had 2 weddings in 1 week last summer (neither where our child was invited), one was a no-go. There's was no way we could find a babysitter for both events (and the one we didn't do would have been at least one night away) when he was 1 yr old.

A friend of mine was recently in a wedding, and I was astounded at the cost. The custom bridesmaid dress ($300-500 inc. tailoring), the bridal tea at the St. Regis in NYC she had to pay part of, the bachelorette party in New Orleans, the 3 night stay at a 4-star Inn at the wedding site (because for some reason, the wedding party had to stay in that one, not in the budget motel), the $200 wedding gift. I know there are stories out there about brides and grooms going into debt for their wedding, but what about the wedding party!?

[bookworm]

I don't know what to tell you, except I've been there and while it's painful, it's also temporary. That doesn't help a lot when you're flying to other continents, spending every other Saturday in an unfortunate dress with dyed-to-match heels, throwing shower after shower, etc., but at some point it will wind down.

I'm mostly finished with my bridesmaid phase, and I don't regret the many thousands of dollars I spent on it--even though there were some significant trade offs in terms of finances, non-wedding-related vacations, etc.

[ambula704]

I totally understand. I havent had to deal with across the country weddings or anything like that, but just being a MOH and BM in my friends weddings has hurt my pocketbook.

However, after my wedding last summer I now feel alittle differently. Udsweetpea mentioned having a bridesmaid budget. Well, I did help pay for a part of the girls dresses, but I have to say...when it came time for these girls to be in my wedding I sort of expected them to do for me what I did for them. Is that fair? I dont know. But my budget was pretty stretched out at that point and I just didnt have ANY extra money to pay for someone else's shoes or hair. So I let them pick their own. Also, I didnt pick outrageous costing dresses and when I asked them to be my BMs I told them I would keep the dress under a certain amt. When the dresses were a bit over, I paid the difference and didnt even mention it to them. However, one of my BM's backed out of the wedding A MONTH BEFORE because I wouldnt pay for the alterations (20 dollars...MAX!) Anyway, not only was that a cop out, I felt like it was part of the deal in being a BM to account for those costs.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is, if you dont think you will be able to pay for the different parts of being in a BM, or attending a friends wedding, by all means, gracefully decline. Dont wait until right before the wedding and change your mind and use finances as the excuse. (Not saying anyone here has ever done this, of course!)

Also, I had several friends (not BM's) who didnt attend the wedding or parties and told me it was because of work/money. That was fine because they told me upfront and were honest. However, when it comes time for their weddings, I will probably do the same if I am low on money. It just goes both ways I guess.

All I know is that weddings bring out the best and worst of people! As does dealing with money. Mix the two, and you have a sticky situation!

[lady1297]

Just remember that this is all temporary. I went to like 12 weddings one summer, 6 or 7 the next and a few the following year. And haven't been to one in 3 years. I was a bridesmaid in many of those, including one while I had NO money in college, but somehow I found the money. So, yes, it was a temporary 'inconvience' but now nice memories. And now we are gearing up for the baby phases..... :) It's a very cicular thing that comes and goes. :)

[laura]

I don't know what to tell you, except I've been there and while it's painful, it's also temporary. That doesn't help a lot when you're flying to other continents, spending every other Saturday in an unfortunate dress with dyed-to-match heels, throwing shower after shower, etc., but at some point it will wind down.

I'm mostly finished with my bridesmaid phase, and I don't regret the many thousands of dollars I spent on it--even though there were some significant trade offs in terms of finances, non-wedding-related vacations, etc.

ITA w/ this. And I also think that as a guest you need to consider that it isn't the fault of the bride/groom that you have 3 weddings the same year. I mean unfortunately for us as guests/BMs/whatever, that is how these things tend to go - I know that very well - but it isn't something I would ever dream of putting off on one of my friends. I generally treat these things as I would want my friends to treat them for me. No, I wouldn't want my friend to go horrendously into debt to attend my wedding, but yes, I would want her to make every effort to be there, even if it was a slight inconvenience. Maybe that makes me selfish, but that is my honest opinion. Also, I knew enough about the friends I asked to be BMs to be able to gauge fairly well their finances and I helped out each of them individually (except my SIL - that's why she has parents!) in ways that I knew they could use / would appreciate. If a friend of mine truly could not afford to attend my wedding, I would want her to be honest with me, and I would help in any way I could.

I also agree that it is cyclical. We had a bunch of weddings within the year or so around ours and then we didn't have any more for several years. Yes it was expensive around that year, plus we were just finishing college so we didn't have much money - but as others have said, I'm not at all sorry we spent the money and time traveling to be with our friends.

[honeygirl]

I missed a few weddings when I was in grad school b/c I couldn't afford to fly back for them (I was in Hawaii so every wedding was at least a 5.5hr flight away). Then later when I moved away from HI I missed weddings of my friends there (2 so far). I regret missing these weddings and wonder sometimes if I should have just gone anyway. I guess if you are trying to decide whether or not to spend all the money consider if missing the event would be a bigger regret than missing the money.

[chaichaitea]

Hey ladies,
Thanks so much for your words of advice--and it is very good to remember that this is just a temporary state of affairs! Laura, you have a very good point that it is not the responsibility of my friends to know that I've got three cross-country weddings to attend this summer. I'm pretty excited to be attending all three, and can't wait to participate in all of my friends' special day. I've been saving all winter to afford these flights, and am happy that I can go.

However, my question isn't necessarily about the expenses associated with the wedding itself--it's about all of the other things that can make it so expensive--like this $900 trip that I have to take for a bachelorette party/ spa trip (this includes a flight and hotel). I'm really excited about this, but it's going to be really tough for me to afford at a time where I've just lifted myself out of debt and am trying to accrue some savings. So my question is this--what are reasonable expectations for a bride and groom to have of their friends? I tend to think that what is "normal" is bridesmaid attire, bridal shower and wedding gifts, modest hotel, flight if necessary, and in-town bachelorette party. When it is significantly more than originally expected, is there anything that can be done?

And udsweetpea, I love your idea of a bridesmaid fund! I'm keeping this one in the files. I don't think that my friends know how much this is stressing me out, but since I've experienced it, I don't want to unintentionally cause my friends to be stressed out about money.

[laura]

I think when it is significantly more than what is reasonably expected, it is okay to pass. For example I would have loved to go to Vegas for my bachette, or a fabulous spa weekend away somewhere, but I knew that was not feasible for any of my BMs, so I didn't even suggest it. If that had been the plan and a BM told me she just couldn't swing it, I would understand. I think there are limits to what you call 'expected' (if annoying) and above and beyond. We ourselves have a wedding in Puerto Rico this year that is becoming our 'big' vacation just b/c of sheer distance and cost. This is the last thing I would *prefer* since it is a family wedding (on my husband's side) and I would prefer to vacation w/o my ILs ;), but that's the way it goes this year. This is my favorite cousin of his getting married, so I am very excited to be there for him - but I do know what you are saying about drawing the line somewhere. Though I also think I am in the minority of people who think it is acceptable to be annoyed at XYZ set of circumstances but still put that aside to spend this important day w/ my good friend. Many people on these boards seem to think their happiness (this is not the right word, but I'm at a momentary loss) trumps their possible inconvenience at all costs - and that is their choice. You just have to find your comfort zone.

[PG-rated]

Personally, I think the responsibilities of a wedding attendant are to 1) be there for the rehearsal and the wedding, 2) wear what the bride says, 3) be as helpful as possible while you're there, and 4) send a gift (plus a shower gift if one is held). Everything else (and I'm including throwing showers, bachelorette parties, engagement parties, bridal teas, spa days, etc.) is optional, and I wouldn't give a moment's thought to declining if needed. I'm in a wedding in a couple of months, and I'm probably going to miss the bachelorette party because it's being held on a weeknight and I have to work the next day - everyone else will be in town for the wedding already, but I live locally and can't take any more time off. I'll be sorry to miss it (well, in theory; see my thread in Pre-Wedding Planning for the rest of the story), but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. I told the MOH what my commitments were and suggested several dates that would work for me, and she made her choice.

[artist]

I am lucky that most of my friends are/were NOT bridezilla types! I also am so happy that I have not been asked to be in that many weddings before! Also, as far as BM dresses go, any weddings I have been have been SUPER cheap.

Examples:

1. MOH in sister's wedding when I was 15. (And only attendant.) This was actually a renewal of vows because she and my BIL eloped in Vegas, but my family wanted to have a celebration for them in MN. My sister and BIL moved to CA right after eloping, so my parents pretty much paid for them to fly back to MN for the renewal service/reception, paid for the whole thing, paid to have 2 HUGE boxes of gifts specially flown back to CA, pretty much ended up PLANNING the whole thing including mailing invitations, etc.!!! (Yeah, my sister was NOT a bridezilla AT all, but my poor mom was overwhelmed and a nervous wreck!) When I asked my sister what she wanted me to wear, she said, "Hmm. How about either dark green or red?" (The renewal service was in December. I ended up going with dark green.)

2. My friend (who is now divorced with a child and in another country) had to VERY quickly plan a wedding and asked me last minute to be in her wedding. She had 2 other attendants. We all basically went to a Rag Stock (inexpensive) store with her mom and her and were on a mission to find three inexpensive but cute red or black dresses with a bit of a "Spanish" feel to them. I think the dress was about $10. We were all in college (including the bride) and she went out of her way to make it totally affordable for all of us AND her parents. She even went so far as to loan me black shoes! One of her friends (another BM) helped do our hair and make-up.

3. Another friend was a little demanding and unappreciative (and out of state), BUT to her credit, all she asked of her attendants was to wear some shade of purple. So, I wore a borrowed pale violet colored dress! Seriously, one of the other BMs went to a thrift store the day before the wedding to buy her outfit!


For my own wedding, I only had my sister as an attendant and my niece as a flower girl. I did have a few stipulations on the dresses, like length, general look, and color. I did let my sister have some discretion on the pattern/design. (I used a seamstress.) I believe her dress and my neices dress (her daughter's dress) were probably around $65 or so each. For some reason she complained a little about the cost and she also couldn't understand WHY I couldn't just go along with my neice wearing a TOTALLY froofy/bows/flower appliques/etc. flower girl dress when I wanted the whole look of the wedding to be SIMPLE, outdoors, classic. As for shoes, I asked them to wear sandles. They had discretion to do what they wanted for hair and make-up. Obviously flowers were provided for them. I had my niece hold a basket we already have and had it filled with red petals. Obviously they were invited to both showers and they both of course attended the rehearsal dinner. (And they would have been invited to all of that anyway since they are my family!) My sister also planned a really great bachelorette party for me! Basically it was a group of us women going out for a night on the town. No spa getaway or anything extravagant like that, but fun all around and a safe designated driver was along!

[GiaGia]

I've had to become very upfront when asked to be in a wedding. I always say that of course i would love to, but i can only afford to spend x amount for shoes, hair, any accessories required and dress. I figure everything else, I control the cost of (barring travel of course but that's not in the bride's hands either) - meals while away, gifts, throwing showers or bach. parties, etc. Everytime the bride has always been accomodating and never batted at an eye. I offer to do my own hair (just a simple updo or left down and curled nicely) if the bride wants a bride wants something nearing the top of my (generous, if I do say so myself) budget. Too many times I've been left broke after participating in weddings and got to be out of control so that's just why i say upfront how much I can afford. Honestly, if your good friend doesn't understand that you can't spend more than x amount on their wedding, I'm not so sure they're a good friend afterall.

~Gia

[Rosebud]

I don't know what to tell you, except I've been there and while it's painful, it's also temporary. That doesn't help a lot when you're flying to other continents, spending every other Saturday in an unfortunate dress with dyed-to-match heels, throwing shower after shower, etc., but at some point it will wind down.

Totally agreed. We had a couple of years where it was just non-stop weddings and it was painfully expensive. Lots of destination weddings, lots of bridesmaid dresses... but it does end. Now we're into baby showers and they're a lot less expensive. :)

I don't regret the money I spent on those weddings, because they were really important bonding and celebratory experiences for my group of friends. Two of my close friends got married in Italy in 2003 and I agonized over whether to go. I ended up putting the whole thing on my credit card and going (paying it off over the next year) and I'm SO, SO glad I did. That was one of the best and most meaningful experiences of my life. When again am I ever going to run around Italy with all my girlfriends again?

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is, if you dont think you will be able to pay for the different parts of being in a BM, or attending a friends wedding, by all means, gracefully decline. Dont wait until right before the wedding and change your mind and use finances as the excuse. (Not saying anyone here has ever done this, of course!)

Yes, be honest with the bride up front. Otherwise you really risk harming the friendship in the long run.

Also, it is okay to pick and choose what you're involved in. Last year I was a BM in a wedding in NJ (I'm in CA). The MOH called me up and asked for $250 as my contribution toward a shower. :eek: Aside from thinking that was terribly rude since I hadn't offered to host anything, there was no way I could afford it. I declined. She was taken aback but I just said it wasn't in my budget, period. I offered to purchase and send invitations instead, which I did. I think that BMs are not obligated to pay for a shower (especially a very expensive shower) unless they have offered to host/co-host it. Destination bachelorette parties are also totally optional, IMO. Any bride who gets mad at you because you won't fly to Jamaica for her bachelorette party isn't being fair.

[permanentvacay]

we're gettin married in SoCal - and while alot of our BP live in SoCal, there are still several who dont, for these folks - we're paying for their hotels.

i'm not having a bachelorette or bridal showers b/c #1 i just dont want the attention; #2 i dont want any of my OOT friends to feel like they "have" to show up b/c they're in the BP; #3 i've been a BM when i was broke in college and i wouldnt want anyone to feel "Stressed" from the money issue...

i'm older now - but still dont want the gifts - i just want people to come and celebrate with us...

[Southlooper]

A few years ago my childhood friend asked me to be in her wedding. I agreed and then the "fun" began. She picked a $500 bridesmaid dress with $100 shoes. She expected me to attend her shower, bachelorette party, and her pre-wedding spa day. All this PLUS she lives in a different state (meaning she expected me to fly out for all the extra curricular activities in addition to the wedding.) No mention of helping us out with any of the expenses.

She was offended when I brought up the concerns about the expense (there's a long tired history behind that.) I resigned my bridesmaid role, didn't attend the wedding but sent her a gift. Her thank you card was the last I heard from her.

[Jewelz]

wow Southlooper, that's crazy to expect that just anyone can afford that kind of cash for someone elses wedding, I know I couldn't. We are getting married in June and I am having three girls stand for me. Their dresses are Alfred Angelo $138 and I felt bad asking them to spend that.

[miel]

I really wonder what to do. I honestly cannot afford my sister's wedding.

I am a maid of honor. I think the cake is going to set me back at least $300 if not more.

The dresses could be something around $600 for my daughter and myself.

The plane tickets will be around $900.

I can't afford much of a gift but I will try to buy one.

I don't know what to do! I can't afford this. I really can't afford this. For my wedding, my sisters were allowed to pick out their own dresses and I think they got something for around $20 (very nice on super sale at a good store). I paid for the cake myself. I paid for around 1/2 of my wedding myself. I could not afford that either! ;) It was supposed to cost nothing because it was supposed to be just family but my parents invited 200 people.

With my sister's wedding my parents have gone NUTS and are spending HUGE amounts of money. She's having a 'real' wedding and it is going to bankrupt me.

Basically, to give you a sense of my finances, I cannot afford winter snow boots. I have to use these old tennis shoes to go out in the snow. I cannot afford to go out to dinner ever or buy clothes (except I do buy snow clothes for my daughter) or engage in leisure activities like movies, etc. I'm just flat, flat broke but also in some financial trouble due to some periods of unemployment for my husband and myself where I just can't go into more debt.

They are freaked out about how much they are spending and will go apeshit if I ask them to help.

About 1/3 of my debts are due to plane tickets to visit my parents, I think. Those years of plane tickets when I was a grad students. If they wouldn't help then, they won't help now.

I just needed to stress. I had a true heart attack when I found out the costs of the dress. No input from me was sought at all. They are going to complain that I wasn't helping them and so this is why they didn't ask me but they actually had A WEBSITE. We could have talked about it! My sister sent me a picture from a cell phone and I actually can't get pictures on my cell phone. It is absurd.

Sorry for venting...this is giving me heart attacks. I want to cry. I can't afford a new car seat for my daughter (although I will charge one because I have to). I can't afford so many things we need. It is just hard to be hit with this enormous bill. It could come to $1500-2000 for us. That's almost a month of my husband's take home salary.

[FoxyBlue]

I honestly just wouldn't do it.

There's spending money you don't have, and spending money you DON'T have.

[Niobe]

It's your sister - you can't be honest with her about your financial situation and the fact that she will literally bankrupt you if she keeps up with her wedding plans? Granted, I have no sisters, but I'd think it would be easier to explain financial hardship to family.

In your position, I wouldn't do it either. I'd be upfront and honest that they were expecting way more then I could reasonably afford to spend. Hopefully, being your sister, she would be understanding about that.

ETA: Why do you have to pay for their cake? I've never heard of anyone having to pay for the cake before.

[miel]

Oh no, there's no way I can't do it! I have to do it. That's the problem. It's just I can't believe they are doing this to me. My mother doesn't think twice about buying this dress. Not only are we poor but the groom's sister is poor too. It's like--have a heart!

Neither I nor my other sister had bridesmaid dresses that were over $50. And what kills me is also that it's such an ugly dress. The dresses my other sister and I had were gorgeous!

[miel]

Oh my God. I just ordered the dresses. My daughter's dress is costing $253.00. My dress will cost $628.00 if I get the jacket to cover up the hideous awful style. But of course I should not do that and won't! But that's still $428.00!!!!!

FOUR. HUNDRED. DOLLARS.

AAAAAHHHHH!!! :( :( :( :( :( :(

My wedding dress was somewhere around $300. That is the most expensive item of clothing I've ever bought in my entire life. What is wrong with my family? How can my sister do this to me? I cannot believe this. I can't even afford to heat my house this winter.

But of course, my parents will not understand and my sister will get upset if I criticize her in any way.

[Rosebud]

ETA: Why do you have to pay for their cake? I've never heard of anyone having to pay for the cake before.

Ditto. Why would you have to pay for their cake?!

Can you ask for some family assistance with the plane tickets? I think it's important to be there for a family wedding like this, but surely someone would help out if they knew what a hardship this is for you. Perhaps they just don't realize the position you're in?

p.s Have you tried checking some discount bridal websites to see if you can get the BM dress for less? Try netbride.com for one. Even eBay!

[Scooter]

That is ridiculous that you're having to pay all that money and don't even get a say in the price range, much less the dress. Have you told your sister flat out what your financial situation is like right now? Does she understand that you have to charge all of this and pay interest and pay it off over time?? It just sounds so selfish.

If it came down to having to choose a ridiculously overpriced dress (to wear once) versus heating my home all winter (so my daughter won't freeze) I think I'd tell her where to stick the dress and just let the cards fall where they may. Can you imagine ever being able to forgive her for putting you in that situation? Or your family, for guiltripping and manipulating your emotions to put you into such a desperate situation? If you don't do this, it'll effect your relationship for years, but the same thing is true if you DO do it.


I don't understand the cake thing, either. Is it a cultural thing? I know some Latina friends of mine had huge wedding parties because in their culture (Mexican) each BM or GM was responsible for paying for part of the wedding (2 would split flowers, one would get the cake, one a limo, etc). Is it something like that?

[Hello Kitty]

But that's still $428.00!!!!!

What is wrong with my family? How can my sister do this to me? I cannot believe this. I can't even afford to heat my house this winter.

But of course, my parents will not understand and my sister will get upset if I criticize her in any way.
Let me get this right, you can't afford to heat your house or properly transport your child, but it's worth it to you to avoid perceived family drama??? :confused: I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time, but if things are truly this dire, you must tell them what is going on and you simply cannot afford this and bow out.

You need to stand up for yourself and your family and not put yourself in a bad financial or physical position because of this. You say you can't talk to them about this, but do you know that? What have you said to them about your financial situation? How are they supposed to know how burdensome this is if you haven't communicated it? I think even the most selfish bride wouldn't want her sister to go without heat. I just don't get it.

[miel]

The thing with my sister is that it is her being a flake. She is young, she is not thinking. She is not trying to be selfish. I don't think she wants to be. It is hard to explain my sister to people. In some situations, she is not very grounded but it is not really her fault. It's like anyone can influence her at times. I can just see her going into these stores and not even calculating the overall cost. She lacks practicality but she has some issues and it is truly not her fault. There is also no way to criticize her or even make a suggestion without really upsetting her a whole bunch. She won't get it. It is also too late. And my dad will also go insane if I say a single thing. He has set it up so that whenever we want to cut costs we are basically saying that my sister is not worth the money or something. She did not go out of state for college so she should have this ginormous wedding instead, etc. For some reason this is really important to them. But then my parents are also upset about the money. It is a strange paradox.

My sister can't manage this situation and I feel bad that I am not there to help her. I live far away from them. I have a good effect on my sister but I have to be physically present to break through the fog she is in. My other sister is helping but I guess she is not doing a good job reining her in. It's like a domino effect--If you have a ton of bridesmaids, etc. then you are going this super expensive route. She got a wedding planner. I'm sure that is also part of the problem.

I can't get on her case. Everyone is on her case. She is so freaked out about her wedding. If only I had been there to manage the situation. It is totally out of hand by this point. There is no going back though. They have all gone completely insane.

Also, she waited until the last minute. Her wedding is in a few months. We don't even have time to look for other options.

So I called my mom and tried to cancel the jacket. The jacket was $200!!! But then my mom said she would help pay for some of my dress and my daughter's dress. I was afraid to cancel the jacket without asking because then my mother would be upset, they would all be upset with me for changing the plan.

But it will still be more than $1000 with the plane tickets and our portion of the dresses and the cake. And also my dad will be angry that we are not paying more. It actually makes my dad very angry sometimes that we don't have any money. He gets annoyed. I guess he thinks me and my husband should have gone to law school and made a lot of money. I admit that my lack of funds are due to my own choices but it still seems a little unsympathetic to resent it so much. We work very hard. We just don't make any money. Maybe we were unwise but we are trying.

I will never, ever hear the end of the fact my parents had to chip in. My dad will be complaining of this until kingdom comes. Obviously, I feel guilty for not having any money so this is probably why I hate asking my parents for anything. Sometimes they put me in these crazy situations where I can't afford what they want to do--like go on vacation or out to dinner-- and then they have to help and then they are outraged that I can't pay for myself. So I try to pay and just go more into debt.

Anyway, another issue.

We will heat our house. We have to heat our house. We used very little heat last year and got extremely sick.

Yes, it is cultural. We are Mexican. I didn't know that it was cultural though. I thought everyone did it this way.

Why do people do this with weddings? How can you even enjoy a wedding if you spend so much on it? It causes so much stress. I don't understand it. I think it is like some kind of fever you get into--wedding fever. It seems like such a bad idea. If it is not a great wedding in every way, you just spent your life savings on it. It causes conflict and anxiety and I can't see why they are doing it.

[Lucy Van Pelt]

I'm sorry for your situation. However, you are an ADULT with a family of your own. Simply pick up the phone, call your sister and/or parents and tell them you do NOT have money to afford this and it's either you sister picks out cheaper dresses or you can not be in the wedding. You are a mother with a child and a husband whose needs rank far and away above the selfish needs of your sister. Is she going to be pissed and have a hissy fit? I'm sure, but she will just have to build a bridge.

[Niobe]

Yeah, I don't put up with guilt and manipulation like that from anyone. If they don't care about you enough to care about your financial situation, you shouldn't owe them anything in return. Honestly, if I had to listen to my father bitch and whine like that, I'd hang up the phone on him.

And if your sister isn't mature enough to understand finances, what is she doing getting married? Is she going to be mature enough to handle finances magically after the wedding occurs?

[Pookie]

Miel I agree with the others. People can only use guilt on you if you let them.


I also wanted to echo what Lady said about the wedding era being temporary. I was in 5 weddings in 3 years. For the most part, my friends are married. I have a good friend getting remarried in December. She is not having attendants, so her good friends (including myself) are planning her bacholorette party, etc. A few friend wanted to go to Vegas. but her sister didn't want the expense and I will be bfing a newborn so it wouldn't be convenient for me, either. So the wedding phase is pretty much over for me and we're about half way thru the baby phase. What's next? The retirementment phase?;)

[villanelle75]

Holy thread bump! I had a bid ol' post typed out and then I saw the dates!