Anyone dealing with or have dealt with bulemia??...please help

[saltandpeppa]

New to the boards, but so far, from all the threads I've read, you guys give excellent advice!!

I really need some advice or even just some support. I've been dealing with bulimia on and off now for about 10 years. All of friends and family have no idea that I still am having problems with this and I'd rather not tell any of them because when they did know, I always felt like I was being watched, which didn't help the situation at all!! I really do wanna stop....DH and I are planning on having children soon and I don't want this to be an issue. I know some of you are gonna say, " go see a doctor and get some counseling" or " talk to your family", etc..., but it's just not that easy for me. I can't even imagine how hurt or disappointed my DH would be if he knew what I was doing....I think it would just crush him, not only that I was still doing it, but that I didn't talk to him about it and I would feel absolutely horrible. DH and I are open to each other about everything, but this is the one thing I just can't talk about with him. I'm also not the type of person to talk about this with a doctor or someone I don't know or feel comfortable with. I've talked to counselors before and they didn't help at all!!

I just wish I was able to eat like a normal person. Does anyone have any suggestions for me, things I might wanna start doing to change my bad habits? Please don't be harsh or judge me, I know what I'm doing is bad and that's why I want your help to stop.

[nylons73]

I first want to commend your honesty and openess. Admitting that you are battling an eating disorder is a very hard thing to do and I want to give you big kudos for knowing and admitting that you do have a problem!

I have battled an eating disorder, but have never had Bulimia. I am however, a counselor, and I will tell you what you probably already know. Eating disorders are one of the toughest fights for therapists and clients to face. They are one of the issues in life that are most resistant to therapy.

That having been said, there are a lot of very good programs and people out there who are specialized in helping people with eating disorders. You do need to see a specialist however, since a counselor with no experience (or limited experience) with this issue may not (as you have dicussed) be what you need.

You are very brave to have posted this, and I urge you to find that same bravery and tell your DH. He is your husband, he loves you, and he needs to hear that you are still having a problem. Then, I would urge the both of you to look into what help might be available in your area. Getting professional help with this, IMHO, is the best path to successfully fighting this disease. You might sincerely want to fight this on your own, but in my professional exprience, the success rate for those who fight all alone, is low. Most times, bulimics need that outside support from people who love them and professional therapists who know how to help.

Good luck!!! Be strong!! Do not, do not, do not give up!!!

nayla

[Darlene&Scott]

I had a bulemic ex boyfriend so I can relate to you.

It's hard when it seems to routine and comforting when you eat things that you know are bad to eat but you can puke and get rid of it before it gts absorbed. I know that after years and years of habit it's hard to see how something that is comforting to you can be so revolting to others.

I'm sure you're aware of the damage the hydrocloric acid is doing to your esophaugs and teeth. The acid in your stomach can literally burn a hole through a solid oak tabletop to the floor with just one drop.

I'm sure you know that your children will copy EVERYTHING you do and say no matter how you try to hide it or tell them not to imitate bulemic behavior. They will do it because you will and you are the society and norm that they will know alone, regardless if you say 'don't do this it's bad'.

If your husband loves you, then this is where that 'in sickness and in health' comes into play. But first, you need to have a reason other than 'it's socially unacceptable' to stop. He should support you, no matter how embarassing it is. I mean, I have IBS, at least you didn't have to have your FH pull over into a dirty gas station on your second date with panic in your voice so you could crap for 20 minutes, crying because you were so embarassed and knowing that this would happen for the rest of your life. If you were bulemic before you were married and since you relapsed I mean it happens to people. People go back to bad habit that comfort them. You have to answer to yourself first as to why you went back to it and let him know what's going on once you understand yourself a little better.

You need a reason that's important to you so that it will be meaningfull. Do you want your kids, who look to you for answers, to have the same attitiude towards this as you? Do you want them to do it thinking it's normal, only to be rejected by the time they start attending school? If that isn't enough then you need to look inside and try honestly to know why YOU want to quit for yourself.


What started the bulemia? Was it a poor body image when you were a kid? Why did this become a habit? What answer did it provide for you then that it doesn't now?

Keeping him in the dark forever will put more stress on you and might make you turn to bulemia more to deal with stress. You might eat worse things and then purge it to purge the bad feelings of dissapointing him. Your family 'watching you' might be the only way they think they can possibly help. They might not have been counciled on this either and may feel helpless. The only thing I think a councilor could help with is helping you educate your family on how they can really help you, that is, after you figure out how to help yourself because ultimately you are in charge of this. At least they aren't encouraging you to continue!

Keeping things secret brings more shame. I did things in my past I am ashamed of, but I had to bring it upon myself to actually decide what was more important, keeping the route I was taking or stopping to see what I was doing first and why I wasn't happy with my current route.

I know some stuff will be old shoe to you but I don't know what you've been advised on already.

[kristin9903]

I don't have bulemia, but I do have an eating disorder that I'm dealing with right now.

I have binge eating disorder, which is bulemia minus the purging. I know DH knew about it on some level, as my weight continued to climb and I spent TONS of money on food, but I don't think he really knew just how bad it was and how calculated I had become about my binging. I felt so ashamed when I finally came clean about it all. Not so surprisingly (in retrospect, of course :)), DH has been fabulous about it and continues to be so supportive of me. I urge you to tell your DH. He loves you and he'll be there for you.

I am in counseling now, where I'm beginning to understand what binging does for me. It's my comfort, my friend (especially now that I live in a place where I don't have a lot of friends to hang out with), and a source of control for me. I've also started on anti-depressants, which frankly suck all joy out of food for me. This is good, because I'm left with my reality, and I'm learning how to deal with that.

With all due respect, I don't think you can go this road alone. I know I couldn't do it. I think counseling can work for you, you just have to find the right one. I found mine through www.edreferral.com. She's in recovery from an eating disorder and, well, we just click. If you are against that, maybe you can find a support group. Overeaters Anon. could help you talk with peers that are going through similar situations.

Good luck. I know how hard this is. You searching for solutions is a great first step! Let me know if I can do anything. :)

[msnicolea]

You are not alone. I commend you for talking about this openly.

I was bullimic for almost 6 years and I urge you to talk to a professional. It was only through counseling and medication, as well as an in-paptient hospital stay, that I was able to get things under control. Even after that, it took a long time to regain my physical and emotional health.

Please see a counselor and begin the process towards healing.

[Aletheia]

Your message says to me that you are a thougtful, serious, and on-top-of it kind of person. You seem ready for a change, and I get the feeling just from your short message that you have the will power to make it happen.

I just wanted to remind you that bulimia is a disease. It isn't a bad habit, it isn't a weakness that you can control. It's not your fault that you have it. Really. I really hope you hear that.

As a consequence, you need support in battling it. If you had cancer would you not tell your husband? This is a disease sneakier than cancer, because your mind is your own worst enemy a lot of the time. You need-- and deserve-- the support.

You can do it- I don't know you at all, but your message clearly says that you are ready to make this happen. And thinking about having a baby down the line is fabulous motivation.

I wish you well.

[MandyMaloo]

Wow...I totally understand you. I was bulimic for 8 years, and it's something I am still trying to overcome to this day. It became a source of control for me after awhile, becuase it seemed to be the only thing I could control in my life. It started when I was in gymnastics when I was only 13. When I went to college I was so overwhelmed that my eating disorder became my main focus instead of my studies. My parents took me out of school and put me into the hospital for 2 weeks. It was hell, but it did wonders.

I am gaining weight now, and while other tell me I am looking "healthy", I just see me as "fat". My brain knows I am not big for my hieght, but that little voice just keeps telling me I need to lose more weight before my wedding. I am also going to be having a lot of trouble with carrying children. It's already been an issue once, and without going into details, it was one of the most heart breaking experiances I've hever dealt with.

The advice I have for you is this: please tell your DH. I know it's hard. I've had to explain it to my own (who's sister had used it as a source of attention at one point, so he was REALLY angry). It does involve him now as well. He's going to be upset, but not AT you, FOR you. He's going to want to know everything, and try to be a safety net for you. You might really have some issues with concieving as well...and that directly effects him. You may need to be on medications to help you get pregnant, and there's really no way you can hide something like that.

Recovery is very hard. I still deal with it. I keep looking back of pictures of me when I was really skinny, and I just want to look that way again. However, I know how many people I hurt trying to cover it up. How many lies I had to tell to keep the secret. The fact that I lost my college experiance, my gymnastics career, and much much more is something that drives me to stop.

If you need any more information or advise, please feel free to IM me. I am happy to help you out. It might help to have someone that it going through the exact same thing to talk to.

My heart is with you. I know 100% what you are going through. Please feel free to ask anything else.

[UTChick]

I completely agree with what everyone has already told you. At two points in my life I have battled bulemia. Luckily each time it only lasted a few months before I sought treatment and through counseling I was able to overcome it. However, I still deal with food and control issues, especially during stressful times.

Now let me fill you in on my mother. I don't know exactly how many years she was bulemic but it was many. She suffered through it alone mostly because my dad was in medical school and residency and just physically wasn't around enough to catch on. She wouldn't/couldn't talk to my grandparents because they were not the most understanding people and actually probably were the root of her problem. When my dad started practicing medicine and was home more, it finally came out. I was only 10 at the time, so I don't know how it all happened exactly. But my mom ended up in inpatient treatment for over 2 months. It was a very hard time for all of us, especially for my mom. Even after she left the hospital, she continued therapy and for a while was on anti-depressants.

Around that time, I used to lie in bed at night and pray that my mom would not kill herself - it was that bad. She doesn't know about that because she has carried around enough guilt regarding being away from us for months and not being able to be a mom to us, that I would never lay that on her. I hated to see my mom hurting and knowing that there was nothing I could do to help her.

It was a long road for her, but she is a much healthier and happier person. I never worry about her taking her own life and I never worry about her becoming bulemic again. My mom doesn't talk about it much, but when she does, she always talks about how if it weren't for my dad, she doesn't know what would have happened. His support and love got her through it. He never judged her, unlike some other family members did. He took care of us while she was in the hospital and never made her feel guilty for doing what was best for her health. I really think that your DH will offer the support you need. Like others have said, you can't do this alone. Let him in and trust him with this.

[wendalah]

I had bulimia and anorexia in college and it drifted a bit into my 20s. I kicked both without counseling or medication, so I understand your desire to avoid these routes. Counselors didn't help me at all with my eating disorders.

The thing that you need to realize is, even if you stop your bulimic behavior, you're going to find something else to obsess over or find lacking in your life. THEN you may want to try talking to a counselor. And be prepared--it's much harder at this stage than any bulimic period. There are times I have actually longed to be able to go back and "resort" to bulimia or anorexic behavior instead of having to mentally face my issues--it's much easier to throw all your internal crapola onto the scale, or onto your dinner plate, or into the toilet.

I urge you to consider what i just said--although it won't hit you until you have the eating under control, it will be good for you to be prepared for this. Anyway, that said, and that realized...to get your eating under control:

--You are likely throwing up as an anxiety response to feeling too full, or eating over what you consider a "limit." You temporarily have to come up with ways to combat this "fullness" rather than throw up.

Ways that worked for me: If I ate too heavily at a meal, I would tell myself I'd skip the next meal. And then I'd just do that. It was tremendously relieving to have this option.

I also put myself on a moderate workout program--about 60 mins of brisk walking 4-5 times a week. If I got the dreaded "fullness" feeling, I'd add an extra workout session. Again, tremendously relieving.

I realize that neither of these options are ideal--but if one is throwing up and needs an alternate--it's much healthier to skip a meal or do an extra workout. And it's a temporary measure.

Finally, I allowed myself to eat until I was full as long as I was eating reasonably healthy foods. Instead of cutting down my portions of "craving" foods, I'd have real meals--cereal, soup, salads, pastas, sandwiches, etc. I'd just make sure to choose or make the healthiest version possible. Red sauce on my pasta, dressing on the side, roll without butter, etc. "Safe" meals.

When I found out I could eat reasonably without gaining weight and without having to battle an urge to throw up, I started adding a few things to my diet here and there. Like, I love Mexican food, so I started experimenting with ordering it (no cheese). I tried a little butter on my roll. Etc., etc. When I could handle these, I added more things. Cheese. A regular amount of butter. Full-fat salad dressings. Etc.

Gradually I lost all desire to throw up. It took a while but I am completely bulimia free now--my weight is very stable--I haven't thrown up in over 10 years. I don't work out vigorously anymore, I just walk my dogs every evening. And I eat what I like.

It is very possible to work on this yourself, but again, please realize what is bothering you inside will eventually have to be dealt with, and it may be harder working on it with no physical crutch to cover it up.

Hope this helps...!

[saltandpeppa]

Wow, all of you have been a great help and I don't know why, but when I was reading your responses I started to cry.

I've always been pretty chunky....a nice way to say fat.....and ever since I can remember I was always picked on in school because of it. I never had any boyfriends and had very low self esteem. I knew I needed to find a way to lose weight and at that time I didn't have any will power what so ever, so I chose the easy way out.....throwing up. And eventually I stopped eating altogether. Once I started to lose weight, I got a ton of compliments about how great I looked and boys started noticing me a lot more which made me feel really good. That's the main reason I kept on doing it.....it was working for me. When a couple of my friends suspected something, they told my parents and I ended up going to the Dr, but at that time I had only been doing it for a couple months and the Dr. told my parents that I didn't have a problem and that I wasn't technically bulimic because I hadn't been throwing up for at least 3 months........not quite sure why they told us that???

Anways, by my Senior year in high school, I was getting one on one counseling with an eating disorder specialist, going to group meetings with others that were having the same problems. I was also supposed to go to out patient treatment, everyday from noon til 5pm, but after the first day I didn't go back.....it was the most horrible experience I've ever gone through!! All the other girls were so sickly looking and really needed help, I wasn't really that thin or at least I didn't think so at the time, so I didn't go back. My parents couldn't force me to go back because I was 18. I did still continue the one on one counseling, but it just didn't seem to help, probably because I really liked the results I had gotten and I truely didn't WANT to stop. It gave me control and a better self image.

I'm realizing now that I don't have to look like a super model for people to like me and I was pretty chunky when I first met my DH, so I know size and weight don't matter to him. I've been thinking all day about what I'm gonna say to him......thank you so much for all the encouragement.....I'm going to be talking to DH tonight. I know in the back of my mind that he'll be totally supportive, but I'm really still really scared how he's going to react.

Wish me luck.........it's the first step for me.

[nylons73]

salt - I am so happy that you have decided to talk with your DH about it! Hooray for you!!

Good luck! and...please let us know how it goes!

[laurenc]

thank you so much for posting this... i have struggled with eating issues and purging for at least 10 years now. i don't binge, so i don't "qualify" to be clinically diagnosed with bulimia, but it's bulimia as far as i'm concerned. no matter what i put in my mouth, if i'm in a "bad place" then a handful of grapes can feel like a binge. i've been out of the "bad place" more often than not in recent memory thanks to a combination of therapy, medication, support of friends and DH, and life circumstances that made it simply easier to take care of myself. but at any time, the pendulum could swing the other way and i could find myself in the middle of a purge-fest. things are pretty precarious right now.

for me, i find that there are three things that have helped me the most. first, being accountable to others. second, watching my triggers. third, trying to distract myself from temporary distress.

being accountable to others has helped me the most. i think what jolted me from purging nearly every other day to purging much much less was when i wrote about a particularly bad purging experience in my blog, and right away i got a whole bunch of emails and phone calls and messages from friends who read it, all concerned and worried about my health. i felt so bad that i'd stressed them out and gotten them all worried, that every time from then on, whenever i would be about to purge, i would get this overwhelming feeling of, "i can't let them down."

i can't tell you how important it was to let friends and DH know about what i was going through. only DH and one other person (now an ex-friend because he was too much of a judgmental ass) ever played "bulimia police." in DH's case, it was because he lived with me, and i would often tell him that i was having a bad stomach virus or something to explain why the bathroom smelled "like purging." so naturally when he caught on, he was suspicious all the time at first and would say the stupidest things, but he's gotten much better about how to phrase his concern. i don't think he was ever hurt or angry with me -- just concerned, and, like many guys, he wanted to solve everything in one fell swoop. he still doesn't really "get it" but i don't expect him to anymore and he doesn't pretend to anymore.

knowing my triggers is also really important. i find that i'm more likely to go purge immediately after eating, so i try to take one decent-sized plate of food (not too small that it's unsatisfying, but not too big that i feel like i've binged) and i try not go back for seconds. that has been helping me a lot. i used to try and eat very little but that never worked, and then i'd end up going back for seconds and thirds and so on. it's not even really about portion sizes or anything like that because i still have no idea how much is a cup, how much is an ounce, etc. i also know that if i am more likely to purge if i'm fighting with family, so i just try to be aware of that during the difficult holidays. and i have been really really good about not letting curiosity get the best of me by staying off the bathroom scale. i used to get up, beeline for the bathroom to pee, and weigh myself before i had a chance to do so much as shower (because my hair would weigh more if it was wet, of course :rolleyes: ). if the numbers were not what i wanted to see, my day would be ruined and i'd be purging from noon till night. so i started waking up and immediately drinking a glass of water. after all, i can't weigh myself if i've already had something to drink. or i'd hop into the shower and wet my hair so that i would be deterred from getting on the scale. for a few weeks i put my scale away so i would not be tempted but now i have it out and on most days i can ignore it. i feel proud of myself that i am not spending my whole day calculating how many fractions-of-a-pound i'd gained or lost.

and distracting myself... one of my closest friends once told me in the middle of one of my freak-outs that "this is just temporary... it will pass..." and it really stuck with me. if i feel distressed after eating, i go distract myself, usually by taking a walk, as i find that light exercise after eating helps me feel better. this is where DH has been amazing -- he's the first person to say, "so, do you want to go for a walk?" when he senses tension. sometimes i will be able to distract myself by playing with our cat -- i swear, since adopting our cat i've had less anxiety about food and have purged less. i don't know if it's a valid correlation but having a pet is so wonderful.

anyhow, that's what's been helpful for me. i hope you find something that is helpful for you too. keep us posted on how you're doing... good luck... if you need to chat just PM me anytime.

also--
I wasn't technically bulimic because I hadn't been throwing up for at least 3 months........not quite sure why they told us that???

in order to get an official psychiatric diagnosis of bulimia nervosa, one must be purging on average of 2x/week for 3 consecutive months, in addition to a variety of other factors. but this is a concept that is being challenged by researchers and may very well change in the upcoming years. i don't technically meet criteria for bulimia because i don't technically binge -- in fact, most people who have disordered eating habits would not get an "official" diagnosis -- but that doesn't mean there isn't a problem. an ethical doctor would understand that!!!

[SwiftyOWB]

Best of luck to you talking with your husband. You are in my prayers.

[mb1197]

Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Bulemia is a very difficult struggle and I wish you the best.

[saltandpeppa]

Thanks again to everyone that has posted......you'll never know how much all your support has meant to me!!

I talked to DH last night....it went really well, a heck of a lot better than I expected. Let me first start by saying that one of the main reasons I was so nervous about how he would react is because waaaay back when we first starting dating I had told him about my problem, but that I was doing a lot better. He then said, "I don't know how I could deal with having a girlfriend that was bulimic". For some reason that statement has always been stuck in my mind. Anyways, I started to tell him that I was having problems with my eating again and that I really wanted to talk to him about it and get help from him. He was sooo understanding, not that he really understands the disorder or the reasons I do it, but he really listened to what I had to say. I was totally reminded last night of why I married my DH, he's the most wonderful man in the world and I don't know what I'd do without him!! Although he did say that he would always be wondering what I was doing if I went to the bathroom right after eating, he was going to try his best not to be the "bathroom police". I promised him that I would do my best to talk to him first when I'm feeling the urge to purge so that we could do something together to take my mind off of things or just talk about what was making me have that urge.

laurenc
It's funny that you mentioned your pet having an influence on your purging. I have a dog and I've often resisted purging because it always feels like he's watching me eat and then walk into the bathroom to purge. This is gonna sound kinda stupid, but I feel like he knows what I'm doing and that it's bad for me.....he has this look he gives me that just says, "I love you, please don't do it."

I also went to the Dr. today and got an increase in my medication, so hopefully I won't be as depressed and it'll help with my eating also.


I'm not glad that anyone else has similar issues with food, but I'm kinda glad I'm not going through this alone.....you know what I mean?!

Thanks again everyone........it's just a start, but I only purged once today, which is pretty good for me and when my DH got home, I talked to him about it. He wasn't mad or disappointed in me at all and he understands that it's gonna take a while for me to have total control of my eating. He's just happy that I'm willing to talk to him about it and ask for help when I need it.

[laurenc]

saltandpeppa-- CONGRATS! i am so happy to hear that it went better than expected and that he was understanding. that is wonderful!!!

[Darlene&Scott]

I'm so glad you took that first step! I'm really happy that a lot of other women spoke of their experiences too - it really gave different perspectives on recovery/causes that I myself did not personally experience.

I hope the medication will help and you get better for good! :D

[msnicolea]

Good for you for talking about it and for being pro-active re: your medication. You go, girl!

[MandyMaloo]

CONGRATS!

You made a HUGE step in the right direction. I know it's hard to talk to others about it. It was hard for me to tell FH when I relapsed, but to my suprise he handeled it VERY well. He just hugged me and told me to just be honest with him.

You sound like you have a wonderful hubby, and that he understands that this is a long road of recovery. I am very proud of you--for what it's worth. It's very hard to be battling something that has a way of taking over every aspect of your life. You are very brave, and you have an exellent support system....you'll definatly beat this!!

[saltandpeppa]

Thank you sooo much for all your words of encouragement!! Even though it's going to be a long and tough road ahead, I feel like there's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders because I finally told DH.

Today has been a good day so far, I've definately been tempted, but I found ways to keep myself busy and once my DH got home, I was able to talk to him and get additional encouragement. I wish I never would've started this bad habit, I would be so much better off!!

[UTChick]

I am so glad you talked to your DH. It is wonderful that you have him to lean on and support you during the hard times. Keep us updated on how you are doing. Thinking about you...