SAHMs - What do you do to feel "fulfilled"?

[ShelbyMay]

I have a 9-month-old DD and have stayed home with her since she was born. I know I am fortunate to have the option of being a SAHM -- while the money can sometimes be tight, we do not absolutely NEED a second income. And I was not really happy in my previous job, anyway.

The trouble is, the more time that passes. the more lost I feel. Before my DD was born, I worked fulltime, participated in numerous hobbies, and always had a "project" of some sort in the works. These days, I feel like all I do is change diapers and do laundry. DH and I went on a "date" a couple weeks ago, and I was horrified to realize that I had NOTHING to talk about other than... well, diapers and laundry. :(

I love being with my DD, but sometimes I feel like an empty shell of a person. I feel so dull, like I am not even a part of regular society anymore. I've joined a moms' group and I do some clerical volunteer work for my church, but it doesn't seem to help.

I am NOT trying to spark a debate between SAHM and WOHM. I am just wondering if anyone else has been where I am now and can offer any advice...?

[emmjay]

Can you take some classes? I'm actually getting my master's while I SAH and a semester started 3 weeks after DS was born. That was a bit tiring, but it has really helped me feel like I have something else to think about. I'm not suggesting you just get a master's somewhere, but I know where I live there are places to take recreational classes - language, knitting, cooking, etc. and they aren't too expensive. Our public library also offers different classes and lectures, and there are community colleges as well for more academic courses.

I think moms' groups are great (I even started one myself!), but they don't really get you away from that "mom" mindset, you know? Even when you do stuff that isn't with the babies, it's still a MOMS' group.

[solongtogo]

I am not a sahm, but my sister is to her 11 yr old and 6 yr old. As they got older she threw herself into pta type activities, and she very much enjoys them. For the little ones, I think making time for hobbies, etc is wise, and a moms group would be fun too.

I think for the first year, even though I work outside the home, most of us can relate to going from being ourselves to being "DC's mom" and trying to figure out the balance exactly.

[MichelleRenee]

I think for the first year, even though I work outside the home, most of us can relate to going from being ourselves to being "DC's mom" and trying to figure out the balance exactly.

Definitely. Even when I'm at work I am thinking about diapers, bottles and laundry so I still feel very consumed by that stuff. Going to work actually just seems like a PITA now, like one more thing to add to my list of things to do. It isn't really the escape from "mom stuff" that I thought it would be.

So even as a WOHM I know how you feel. I think it is something we all go through. There really is no transition from not having a baby to having one. Once they are born all of the work begins instantly. I have to wonder what the heck I did with my time before I had a baby to care for!

I hope you are able to find the balance you are looking for. It sounds like you are trying to keep up with "non-baby" activities, which is good. Maybe you can start an entirely new hobby. A friend of mine had a baby a few years ago and needed some time away in the evenings so she joined a local theater where she got to act and help in the production of local plays. She had a blast doing it and it has become a major part of her life.

Good luck!

[karlatta]

I do online classes from MIT. They're not professor-led, and they're not for credit (and they're free!), but they give me something to focus on outside of babies and kids. (Usually the "course" is a syllabus, reading assignments, and a couple of writing assignments. You don't turn anything in and you don't get a grade, but I get a lot of enjoyment out of doing the readings and writing the writing responses in my journal.) It gives me new and interesting things to talk about with DH and my friends. I just finished a course on Consumerism in the United States that was really interesting.

I also strangely get a lot of fulfillment out of doing the typical 50's housewife stuff. I love planning menus, going grocery shopping, and cleaning my house every day. I think it's because it makes me feel like I'm doing something for my DH instead of being entirely focused on the kids, and that's a nice change.

ETA: The classes from MIT are really nice because, since they're not "real," there aren't any deadlines. So if you have one of THOSE DAYS where nothing gets done, it's no big deal, and you have all the time in the world to make it up.

[junkinmytrunk]

Subscribing. I feel completely lost these days. I find beyond diapers and the like, I have little to talk about.

I am looking forward to having the time to take a few classes myself. Hoping others chime in as well.

Shelby - I so feel you. I've been struggling with these feelings since about the time you mentioned.

[mel7dog]

This was me for the first 9 months of DS life. What helped was having something of my own. I started going to the gym 4-5x a week and leaving DS either with DH or in drop in day care. Having this time to focuc on myself and chat with my workout buddy has been great. I have also joined a few organizations (we are military) so I finally feel like my energy is finally being put to good use. Just recently my neighbor and are have decided to start a small WAH business. Just the planning and preparing of this is making me feel like I am finally good at something besides "just" being a mom again.

I think about something you that would make you feel good about yourself and start there. Taking class is a great idea! I have aso thought about volunteering.

[jennylou]

I've been taking a class every Wed night since September. I found it was really beneficial to my sanity to just get away from DD for one night per week. The class will end at the end of May. After that, I'm going to look into taking a Wilton Cake decorating class.

My one night per week also gives DH an opportunity to be with DD for a few hours each week on his own. It gives him a greater appreciation for what I do every day and it helps give them time together that they otherwise might not have (DH works full time, plus he works in the evenings painting and such almost every night of the week).

[Standrea]

In the beginning, I took cake decorating classes. Now that those are completed, I have been going to the gym and taking different classes there. I do this when DH comes home. That way he has his "alone" time with DD, and I have my time to myself.

I also joined a young professionals commity (Even though I'm no longer a Young Proffessional, they still let me join!), that Benefit's St. Jude.

[catmom]

3 things I can think of:
1) I read the newspaper every day during DD's quiet time, or after she goes to bed

2) netflix! I really like watching movies, and this was we still get to see them.

3) I go to the library and get books that I'm interested in... not just kid/parenting books.

At least this way, there is something knocking around in my brain besides laundry and diapers, and I have something to talk about with the other adults in my life!

Some of this feeling passes with time... as the babies get older, you seem to get little bits of your brain back. The other day, I actually got to read an article in the economist while DD played with the cat. It was pretty amazing!

[Lizard]

I have had this issue too (I'm guessing most/all of SAHM's do). I decided to look towards my future - what do I want to do once our kids are in school and I can work a little? I enjoyed my previous career, but I feel this is a time for a fresh start. I've always had an interest in Horticulture so I am taking a 6 credit Intro class at the local community college. It meets 2 nights a week, 4 hours a night. :eek: It starts at 6 though, and DD goes to bed at 7 so there's not much overlap. It's very science intensive, but I'm enjoying using my brain. Plus the people in the class are great, so there's some social interaction there.

I'd also like to take some non-credit cooking classes in areas that I've wanted to learn more about (German, Indian, sushi rolling). If/when I get the chance, I'd love to volunteer some time at a women's shelter or soup kitchen too.

This has by no means gotten rid of ALL my bad feelings... but it is helping quite a bit.

[chandy]

You are so not alone, I've been there too!

I stay pretty active at my church. I go to a women's bible study once a week, and then there is a moms' group I do (they have activities both with and without the kids) and a book club. I am able to leave the kids in the church nursery for these activities. I also go to aerobics two nights a week (classes are offered through our parks and rec department). Parks and rec departments usually have TONS of different classes/activities to chose from, and they are usually very cheap!

Book clubs are a great way to meet people and have non-baby related conversations. Check your local Barnes & Noble...sometimes they have clubs that meet in the store.

[daisysue62]

I've picked up scrapbooking since DD was born and have enjoyed having a creative outlet. I like to go to scrapbook crops on Friday nights with friends and leave Dh home with DD. It's nice to go and chit chat about non-baby things and enjoy doing a project that would be a disaster to do with DD around. I would also love to attend community art classes to get out and do something that is all mine and has nothing to do with being a mom.

I also keep up on current events and read Newsweek every week etc. which helps me feel like I have something to talk about other then what DD is up to that day. We also watch quite a few movies and I read lots of books. It's just nice to read/do something that isn't baby related.

[roadrunner]

Hobbies are a must - at least for me.

I'm not going to be a SAHM mom permanently, just until September, as I took 1 year for Mat. leave. But, this year, I am a SAHM to my two little girls!

I started my master's degree online this past January, and it's a great way to get my mind off of kid related stuff. I also sew, and do a lot of gardening, which are both great escapes, and I can do them while the kids are playing or napping!

It's tough being a Mom - SAH or not. You really need to find a balance between being a Mom and being yourself.

[petdoc08]

I am like karlatta in the fact I enjoy the 50's housewife stuff. I like menu planning, grocery shopping, baking etc. DH's coworkers have probably gained a few pounds since DD was born with all the baked goods I have sent in to work. I could use some work in the cleaning aspect, but I consider it a challenge. I think I enjoy this stuff because growing up in a household with two overly busy working parents, these things were often overlooked. We ate out every meal sans Christmas and Thanksgiving. I could never bring friends over because our home was a cluttered disaster. It also helps that DH doesn't expect me to do these things. I do them because I want to.

I have also joined a local chapter of Hipmamas on meetup.com. The group is all moms, but we do kid free things -chick flick nights, bookclub, out to the theater. It made me feel like I got a tiny bit of 'me' back. DD was (is) a very difficult baby to get to sleep so I was chained to my house after 6 p.m. until I joined this group (she was 9 months old). I decided one day I needed a break and told DH to call if things got really hairy -I'm headed out for a couple hours. DH and DD both survived and now DH can share in the bedtime routine! It was a tremendous weight off my shoulders and I began to enjoy my days much more. They were not just a countdown until the bedtime struggle.

Oh- and I did the Wilton cake courses like others have mentioned. In fact I start course three Wednesday.

[steviem]

I feel the exact same way!!

While I do enjoy taking care of the house, cooking and cleaning (as strange as that sounds), I too, find myself feeling a bit "lost." I thrive on schedules and once I stopped working, I found myself making up schedules, just to try and make things feel normal again..... like, Monday I change all the sheets and do laundry; Tuesday is Trader Joes Day; Wednesday I clean the whole house, etc.... but this is getting old. Sometimes I loose track amongst all the cleaning and cooking and I forget which day it is.

I've joined a Meet-up group of moms, but, most of the time everyone flakes and I am the only one who shows up for park play date, etc. :(

I recently signed up for some classes on event planning which I am looking forward to. I am also signing up for a cake decorating class. I'd love to take a sewing class as well. I am hoping these classes will give me an outlet and make me feel like "me" again.

I feel totally blessed to be able to SAH, as, I did not think it would be an option for us- somehow, we are making it work. So, I feel guilty to say I feel "lost" when I know there are so many people out there who would love to SAH.

[Jenyfer9]

Completely understand. I found that volunteering really helps. I started off just attending meetings at my church (Moms of young children, social action group) and before I knew it, I was the go-to person for being on committees. I like it that people at the church know that they can depend on me. At the moment I'm a part of 3 "social" groups, the leader of the mom's group, the young adult group, and in charge of the resale in the fall. I'm also on 2 different committees, and will be chaperoning for a teen "tour" next spring.

I love what I do. I never really liked working, but I love making a difference in groups that need my help. Perhaps volunteering with clerical stuff doesn't make a difference for you because it's not your thing? Just a thought.

I often thought about taking a class, but I found it difficult to find a class that really sparked my interest enough to get out and do it (I never really LOVED school, so that didn't surprise me too much). I make a point of reading a book a month, so I'm pretty well-read, and that helps too.

[KiKi'sMommy]

We just recently decided that I would be a SAHM, so I think I am still in the honeymoon stage, but I have found a few things that make me feel more like I have control over things.
First, I try to get out of the house everyday. Even if it is just running to the post office or grocery store, it makes you feel more connected.
Secondly, I keep up with current events, primarily through constant chatter. I like reading the debates and keeping my mind sharp.
Third, at this point, I am getting a lot of satisfaction out of keeping my family happy and content. I know this sounds super cheesy and old-fashioned, but it makes me feel good to see my family enjoy a dinner (at the table no less!) that I prepared. Our family is so much more relaxed since I am not dead tired after working all day. I hate to even admit this, but it also gives me great satisfaction to do my DH's laundry and iron his clothes for the next day. It makes me feel like I am making his life a little easier. I know that sounds horribly outdated, but it is how I feel.

[kmack]

I totally understand how you feel!

The first thing I did was join a gym and start going to classes. I have met a bunch of people there and it puts me on a schedule which is what i need b/c otherwise I get stressed out. So Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays I go there. I also joined a soccer league when I first moved here and picked that up again after I had the baby. We have practice on Thursday nights and afterwards everyone goes out for drinks so it helps make me feel like I am part of a 'group' again like when I worked. We have games on Sundays and I have become friends with some of the girls on my team so I started to do stuff with them on the outside. I also became Treasurer of the club and now have to attend meetings and go to functions., and it gives me something non-baby/housework to think about.

I was really depressed in the beginning being a SAHM but I have found that these things have really helped me not feel so lost.

[ShelbyMay]

I am so glad to know I am not the only one who has felt this way! I've been thinking I must be some horribly ungrateful wretch. :o

Those who find satisfaction in the domestic tasks, don't feel embarassed -- I think that's great! I wish I shared that enthusiasm for such things. I do enjoy pleasing my DH with a homecooked meal and clean clothes, but a lot of the time I feel too overwhelmed with taking care of DD to even get those things done. Then I feel like a big failure because I am a SAHM and I don't have a clean house or any dinner prepared when DH gets home. I don't even know where the time goes. (Um, besides CC. :rolleyes: )

I need to look into taking a class.

[Toonces]

holding baby - no caps...

i've made a lot of new friends online, through gymboree and around the neighborhood, so we go to frequent playdates. those are as much for moms as they are for the kids. i go to a bf'ing grp when we have time. i used to volunteer to do marketing for the young adult ministry at our church. i visit with my mom. i'm taking an online photography class.

Then I feel like a big failure because I am a SAHM and I don't have a clean house or any dinner prepared when DH gets home.

i used to feel guilty too, but we're stay at home moms and our primary responsibility, as i see it, is our kids. when mine are older, i'll certainly pick up more of the household chores, but for now, my focus is on them during the day.

[MrsT]

As a SAHM of a 25mo old, I can totally commiserate. It's especially hard when they are little and if you don't have/don't want to have a babysitter. (I don't do stranger babysitters and only 6 months ago started leaving my son in the nursery at church).

Anyways, some things I do:
- read a book that has nothing to do with child nutrition, sleep or discipline :P
- spend one nap day a week doing something creative (I painted pics for my living room and son's room in the past few months and now I'm working on a curtain for his big boy room)
- join a mom's group (I go to one at my church (he stays in the nursery and I get to chit chat with other moms - and not necessarily about kids) - this group also does mom's night outs)

and honestly, something i'm just figuring out - it's OK, to ask your DH to spend time alone with the kiddo while you go do something (like take a class, or even just go to starbucks and read a US Weekly!!). I always felt like when DH was home we had to have family time or alone time and in turn was irritated for never getting time for anything I wanted to do.

As they get older it will also be even more rewarding - I love it when my son tells his daddy something new he learned (from me) at dinner. Makes it even more fufilling to be at home.