Etiquette Question...

[SaphirimalMei]

DH & I were invited to a reception to celebrate the wedding of a friend and were planning on 3 attendees. (hubby, our baby and myself) The wedding itself is going to be a small private ceremony that only the bride, groom and the families attending. The reception is going to be a smallish (75 or so people) tea party event. Sort of a "everybody mingling" type thing.

What I did not immediately realize was that the wedding fell on a weekend that my 2 stepdaughters are going to be in town with us. They live with their mother in Ohio for most of the year and we only get to visit once per year. As we obviously want to spend as much time with them as possible and do not want to leave them with a sitter...as I see it, here are our options:

#1) Ask the bride if there are any cancellations of other guests and see if it would be ok if my step daughters came.

#2) Not attend

I'm just looking for a vote of what you would do in my situation and if you think it would be an out of line thing to ask. My wedding was a very loose and informal affair so if I had been asked the same question, the answer would have been a resounding yes, so I'm just trying to see it from another side.

Thanks in advance!

[villanelle75]

Personally, I would not feel comfortbael at all asking. At most, I might bring it up in conversation with here that you are SO disappointed that you won't be able to attend but that it happens to fall on the weekend the SDs are visiting and you can't leave them with a sitter. If you phrase it in such a way that you are mearly expressing your disappointment, then you are not putting any pressure at all on her to add them. If she choses to offer that you can brign them, she can, but she isn't put in the awakward position of havin gto deny a direct request.

[SaphirimalMei]

If you phrase it in such a way that you are mearly expressing your disappointment, then you are not putting any pressure at all on her to add them makes total sense. i guess i was having a block and couldnt see this angle of the problem. :p

[jessicamjohnson]

If you are really close with the bride and/or groom then I would let them know your situation and see what they say. A side note to that would be that it seems as though they are trying to create a small and intimate reception or keep their costs down so adding two more people that they do not know might not be the best idea. Personally, I would not care if two more people were at my wedding but I think that I am one of the few that hold this opinion. It really just depends on your proximity to the couple and the family. If they know your stepdaughters maybe they would have invited them if they knew they would be in town. Good Luck, this one can get sticky.

[SaphirimalMei]

If they know your stepdaughters maybe they would have invited them if they knew they would be in town If she had known they were going to be in town they would have been invited. Alas...she did not :(

[GeekGirl]

I wouldn't feel uncomfortable asking. But then again, I usually prefer it when people are direct and say what they need or want plainly without trying to fish for a result. And if it were my wedding, I wouldn't have any issues with two extra well-wishers - especially if there isn't the concern of an expensive sit-down dinner. What can it hurt? The worst that will happen is that she says no, and you send a card and spend some extra time with your daughters.

[amew]

I just wouldn't go, for two reasons. 1) I wouldn't feel comfortable asking. 2) If your step-daughters only get to see you once a year, they would probably rather spend their time doing something as a family rather than attending the wedding of someone they don't really know.

[SaphirimalMei]

all very good points! thank you all for your responses :)

[CMTorie]

See...now I would be more upset that you RSVP'ed and then didn't show up. She may have a minimum 75 plate purchase and therefore may have to pay whether you show up or not. I always believe that honesty is best. I would simply call her and tell her that you didn't realize SD's would be in town and that you would love to bring them, but only if it is okay with her (bride). I would make sure that she understands that you won't have your feelings hurt if she prefered you not to come. But...for me I would be upset if my friends were not there because they were too afraid to ask if their SD's could come. (now the whole thing would be different if it were an adult only reception...but obviously if your DD is already going then that isn't the case)

[PG-rated]

I really think that if you ask, you put the bride in a tough spot. Just because YOU would be okay if she said no doesn't mean SHE feels okay about saying no to you. I agree with the first response - call and say you're so sorry, but you didn't realize the conflict, and you can't leave the girls with a sitter. Then follow her lead.

[pride&prejudice]

I am posting this from personal experience.

My MOH came up to me 1 month before the wedding (invites had been out at 8 weeks) to ask me if her BF (and baby's dad) could bring his daughter to the wedding since it would be one of two weekends out of the year he would get to see her. I was already having problems with her becuase she was so stubborn and wouldn't leave the baby with a sitter and insisted that she was bringing him to everything (only 6 months old).

So I was hurt and confused. I don't know if the bride in this situation would be feeling the same, but it hurt me. In the end I let her come. Since there were a mix of emotions from different things the MOH did to me, I won't go into how I felt about it, but it did make me feel uncomfortable making that decision.

HTH.

[Larissa]

I'd go what PG-RATED stated. Call the bride, say that you're so sorry but your step daughters are coming into town and you can no longer attend. The bride will let you know what she thinks.

[ManteoChik]

I agree with some of the other posters. Simply call your friend and let her know that unfortunatly you won't be able to attend since your stepdaughters will be in town and that you are very sad that you will have to miss the event. DO NOT ASK to bring them. Not so sound harsh, but to me it's just tacky; Also, it puts the bride in a hard place.....she might want to say no but cave since you put her on the spot. If you tell her that you can't come and she offers for you to bring them, then you can graciously accept her offer and I would suggest getting them an extra special wedding gift to make up for the cost of two last minute invites.