What do i say....

[charliezangel]

This is mostly a rant, because i have to throw this out in the open. Let me preface all of this with a little background. My sister, J, was dating a guy for a little over a year when she found out she was PG. The only people that knew were her bf and me and DH. So then, she suddenly miscarries, and she and this guy break up. She had been living with him and his mom, so i asked her where she was gonna go. She said she had a friend, we'll call him "Ron", who was gay and needed a roomate. I'm pretty sure she said he was gay to throw me off from thinking she was sleeping with him. OK, so Ron is gay. about a week later, Ron is no longer gay, Ron is now a guy she met that is really from another country and needs to get married to stay in the country and she is going to do it....she lied about Ron being gay so noone would be suspicious of the relationship. So she tells everyone she is going to marry him to keep him in the country. about 3 days later, I get a call from her. Ron is no longer an illegal immigrant, he is now someone she has known for the past 12 years and has been her best friend ever since. He is the most wonderful man and the only reason she told me she was keeping him in the country, is because she didn't want me to be suspicious. OK, so she is moving in with her gay/illegal immigrant/best friend....On 4th of july, DH and I met Ron at my parents house and the 4 of us hung out and did BBQ. DH and Ron got a long very well and he seems like a very nice guy. When I asked how long they've known eachother, he said well, they've run in the same cirlce for the past coupe years, but they only really started hanging out a few months ago. She agreed with this and when i confronted her about the best friend forever thing, she denied ever saying it. OK, so they've only known eachother a little while, and they are moving into an apartment together in about a month (in my complex, BTW). Well then, i'm on my lunch break today and i'm checking my messages and there is a message from my mom "hey honey, well, Jaimee and Ron are announcing their engagement, so we're having family dinner on Sunday night to welcome him into the family. WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?! I started laughing hysterically because i was so shocked. I mean, she had said that he was the perfect guy for her, and that she could SEE herself marrying him in the future, but ANNOUNCING THEIR ENGAGEMENT?????? SOOOOOO....I'm freaking flabbergasted. I don't know what to think. DH is so against it, i feel like i have no other choice but to support her because the way my sister is, if i tell her i dont like it, we'll never speak again. I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I want to tell them that they are making a huge mistake by announcing this already when they don't even know eachother, and my sister spent so muh time lying about his identity and their relationship. I feel like telling them they should wait until they have th opportunity to maybe live together for a couple months. I just don't know what to do. And now this dinner on Sunday night....omg, i'm afraid me or DH will say something really stupid. I don't want to do that, but......anyway.....yeah, so any advice, or just a hug would be good. thanks girls.

[Kimberland30]

(((((((((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))))))))))

It sucks when family members do really stupid things. But you said it best that all you can do is be supportive since anything else will break your relationship with her. But that doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. Just go through the motions and try to bite your tongue. If at all possible, try to make the best out of this very odd situation.

[Camdynlyn]

Oh wow! I don't really know what to say but I am sending Hugs your way.

On a brighter note, you could win a lot of money by sending this in for a made for TV movie! :p (sorry if that was out of place!)

[ManteoChik]

Even though it sucks, your sister is a big girl. You ever heard that saying "you made your bed, now you'll have to lay in it"?

There is a song that goes:
"Then what, whatcha gonna do when new wears off and the old shines through; when it ain't really love and it ain't really lust, you ain't anyone anybody's gonna trust"
Maybe all it will take is for her to make a mistake and hopefully she will learn from it.

[keska]

It is hard to watch others make what we believe are big mistakes that will end up hurting them, but in the end, you just have to remind yourself that it is her life to live. As much as you love her and care for her, you can't shelter her from the natural pains of life. Still, there's nothing wrong with having a good heart to heart talk if you two have that type of relationship (not a confrontational "I'm here to talk you out of this" type talk, but an honest "this is a really sudden decision, are you sure of this because I want to make sure you're OK" talk).

[charliezangel]

Oh wow! I don't really know what to say but I am sending Hugs your way.

On a brighter note, you could win a lot of money by sending this in for a made for TV movie! :p (sorry if that was out of place!)

so not out of place, lol....i could make a fortune, because that not even HALF of the shit that i could tell. But I feel so bad sometimes that she chooses to live her life like this. I love her so much. The one thing i want to see before I die is my sister, happy. Happy with herself, her life, her job. To not always want to look better, and be thinner, and find a better guy. I love her for who she is, i don't see all the tatoos, and the countless diets she's been on, and i wish she felt the same way about herself

[sinderstorm]

I will impart on you the mantra I've been muttering about my sister and her train-wreck of a life:

"Its not my life, its not my marriage. I thank God every day for that."

Hugs- I know how difficult it is to watch someone you care about make really stupid choices and being powerless to stop them.

[princess1224]

(((((HUGE HUGS)))))http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v62/sunshine4376/hug.gif

I know it's so hard to watch your sibling make what you think is a huge mistake and not be able to say anything. I have the same problem with my brother...well, his problems aren't the same but if we try to talk to him too much about it he'd write us off, so we bite our tongues for the most part. It sucks because it hurts to watch what they do.

I don't want to offend you by asking, but does your sister have any sort of mild personality disorder? It seems like there's no real reason for the lying, that's a lot of lies in such a short time. My step brother moved to the US (I'm Canadian) and made up all these outlandish lies and basically lived a lie for years until he was caught. I guess I'm just really intrigued by what possesses some one to do that. BTW, we suspect step brother has a personality disorder of some sort but nothing has been confirmed.

[IrisHope]

Unfortunately, people don't listen until their ready. Hopefully it will be a fairly long engagement. Your sister really needs to learn to tell the truth, though. What's up with all the lies?

[nordey]

I would be more concerned about the constant stream of lies than the engagement itself. As often as she seems to change her mind, what are the odds that she'll actually make it to the alter with this guy? However, the fact that she feels compelled to lie on a regular basis to her family would really concern me.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I too have a sister who has made some really bad major life decisions and seems destined to be unhappy.

[camberne]

I'm sending you {{hugs}} too...

I'm also going to say... your husband got along with Ron and you guys got a good impression from him when you met him. He didn't lie to you, your sister did. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE this guy will be good for her and they might actually live happily ever after.

[MrsSmith]

So, how long have the REALLY been dating? Have they been bed buddies for a while and then started dating? It seems like there is some history there, so maybe thing won't be so bad after all. Maybe she's just afraid to tell you the truth because she doesn't want to disappoint you.

[charliezangel]

The problem with the lying is she does it all the time. She's pathalogical, i swear. Sometimes i think she just does it for attention, and then she tells some off the wall insane lie, and it seems like she actually believes it. I can't even begin to go into the lies that she has told, and the ones she's been caught in. She is also the type of person, if you look at her the wrong way, you might as well start digging your grave. But when she's happy, it's like the sun never stops shining. I think she is severly bi-polar, but she refuses to get help. Every therapist she has seen, she has had a problem with. Something she doesn't like, and quits going after 2 sessions. The thing that kills me the most is, she KNOWS what that disease can do to a person, and the people around them. My step-father is bi-polar, and when we were younger he was a very aggressive and abusive person on his bad days. we used to hide in our rooms, crying our eyes out, me my mom and my sister, all huddled together, whole he broke things and then left and didn't come back until 4am. Now, with medication and exstensive therapy, he is the perfect father and wonderful man. It has been years since he has had an outburst, and even if he gets angry, he is a lot more rational about things. I remember how much it hurt me though, when we were young. And I don't want her to have kids and do the same thing to them, or for her "special friend" (i can't bring myself to say fiancee yet) to walk out because he's too afraid to live with her. i know i don't have any control over this, i wish i did. But I love her more than anything in this world, she is my best friend. I'm just so scared of what she might become as she gets older

[charliezangel]

As far as them living happily ever after, I'm not throwing in the towel on that yet. It is very possible they are the perfect match. i know quite a few couples who have been engaged after a very short courtship, and they have some of the best marriages. I just hope he knows what he is getting himself into.

So, how long have the REALLY been dating? Have they been bed buddies for a while and then started dating? It seems like there is some history there, so maybe thing won't be so bad after all. Maybe she's just afraid to tell you the truth because she doesn't want to disappoint you.

Well, she broke up with the ex about 6 weeks ago, and she started mentioning "Ron" about a month before that. So I don't really know when the dating began. i know shortly after her miscarriage, she and the ex were pretty much broken up, she just hadn't moved out yet.