Phone call with my friend

[Sare79]

This post is all over the place!

I played email tag with a good friend all day today and out of the blue she asks me for lunch. I had a previous plan for lunch and so we are merging it. Then a bit later she asks me for coffee on Friday as well.
I knew something was up because she never ever initiates plans with me. I called her up and asked what was going on and she started to cry.
She told me that she doesn't think she is being a very good MOH, and that one of the other girls fill the spot. I think she has been awesome, and not bad at all! I asked why she felt that way, because I think she's doing a good job. She said she won't have much time to help out, but I don't know if she really doesn't want to be part of the wedding or if she is feeling stressed from other things in her life. I know she has a lot going on.. she's getting married next summer, just bought a house, and doing reno's. I just don't know what she's really feeling. I mentioned that I think she should ask the other two girls for some help if she is overwhelmed. I feel like she has done everything I have asked her to, and all she has left is hold my hand, give me a hug and stand beside me while I get married.
I reassured her and told her that I don't want her to back down and I will not replace her, but it seems to be up in the air still.

What can I do to make her realize I want her to be my MOH, and that she's doing a good job?

Then this got me thinking if I have done something wrong... been too demanding or asking too much of my girls.

Her being upset started making me feel unsure of myself. Maybe she doesn't want to be in the wedding party because she doesn't feel close to me or doesn't like me anymore.

Does anyone else have the problem where *you* are always the one contacting your friends? Does it make you feel like you are putting in all the work? I understand people are busy but sometimes I feel like it's my responsibility to make plans and organize things.

Sorry this post is so messed up- lots on my mind, I guess.

[chefker]

I had to do a lot of contacting--mostly via phone/email, but I think that was mainly because I live in a different state than 5 of my 6 bridesmaids did!

Maybe your MOH has something REALLY personal going on that she didn't share with you, and that is causing her to stress out. Although I understand how buying a house and renovating it is enough stress in itself! Plus if she is getting married too, wow....it does sound like she has a lot on her plate. When is your wedding, before hers?

It might be a good idea to enlist help from ALL the bridesmaids--but that would be best coming from HER. Like if you asked the other girls to 'help her out', the suggestion might not be received terribly well. Maybe casually suggest that the other girls can assist if needed, but the request should come from her.

But if she really wants to step down--I don't know how you can talk someone out of that. :( You don't want someone completely unhappy, not wanting to be there on your wedding day either! Good luck....

[Cricket4]

I would say that you adore her, you want her to be happy, and she just needs to tell you WHY she thinks she needs to back down.

Tell her that you don't WANT her to back down, so she shouldn't back down because she thinks she should or because you want her to. But, even though you don't want her to, she is your friend first and foremost, above being your MOH, and if she NEEDS to back down for her own personal reasons, then you'll understand. But tell her that you picked her for your MOH b/c you wanted her there, and if there is anything that you can do to have her keep the position, because you'd be honored for her to have that title, but minimize any personal stress on her that might make her want to leave, you'll fix it.

It's a fine line between encouraging her to stay on board, and pressuring her to do something that she might have private reasons for needing to quit. I feel for you, but you are a sweet friend for approaching it the way you are, and for worrying about her and loving her.

[Sare79]

Chefker- My wedding is in October and hers is next August, just a little over a year away. All of my bridesmaids live within an hour of me, so it's not so much a question of being far away.
I didn't mean for it to come out that the other girls aren't helping, because they are. I meant that if my MOH feels overwhelmed, maybe *she* could ask for help from the other girls. I have got together with all of them a few times and explained that I had a few things I needed to ask of them, since they wanted to help. They each have totally superceded what I asked for help with.
Cricket4- Thanks for the support. I am seeing her on Friday for lunch and Saturday night for a barbecue, so hopefully I can find a chance to talk to her a bit more.