Just met ex-husband's new YOUNG girlfriend

[HeatherFL]

No drama here, but just feeling like the song goes...things that make you go hmmmm.

So my ex-husband and I are very good friends. I feel very fortunate that we did not have an ugly divorce. I've been seeing someone now for seven months and I love him very much. Ex is with somneone new too. She had been wanting to meet me and I think maybe had some insecurity issues about my relationship with my ex-husband because of our history. Tonight I found out she is only 20. Ex-husband is 32. Now do not get me wrong. I understand there are many 20 year olds who can be quite mature. But the funny thing is, I worry for HER more than for him. And she wants kids. He has always expressed to me that he doesn't. Now he's sort of like, "Well, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it." This girl is very sweet. I liked her a lot. But she has only had one serious relationship and Ex-husband is moving back to his home state over 3,000 miles from here. I know it's not my business. Ex and I had dinner & I told him about my relationship which I was afraid to do. He told me a little bit more about his and said she wanted to meet me. So we went to my old house (which I hadn't been to in almost a year) and I met her. It is so weird, but it wasn't awkward at all. Or it didn't seem that way. But tonight she asked me straight out if I have a problem with their age difference. I just told her that I didn't but of course I am a little concerned because she hasn't had as much experience as ex-husband. Soooo on that note she replied that she's had one serious past relationship (3 years-high school) and she "knows what she wants". Oh man. We all knew what we wanted at 20! Heck, I thought I'd marry three guys before I married my ex. No disrespect to her, but part of me is like What is he thinking? He could hurt her. I mean who knows, maybe they'll make it. But this just doesn't seem like him. I know he's being careful and guarded...but still. So anyway, I am not sticking my nose in anything. I am happy that he's happy. It was SOOO nice to tell him about my relationship. It was nice to be open and honest. But I guess I was just wondering if I am nuts for being concerned. I mean my SO is 11 years older than I am. But 20 and 32 is a lot different than 29 and 40. Or at least to me? Anyway, I don't know what the point is. Just rambling, I guess.

Thanks for reading.

[Larissa]

I do think that 20 and 32 is a bigger difference than 29 and 40 (plus, he was your boss right so you two have been through a bit together). I'm curious as to where your ex met his current. Bar is out, church singles group is probably out, is she an undergrad and he a grad student at the same school?

One that I've noticed in my friends is often after a long relationship and a break up one person will date someone totally and completely opposite of their ex...and often be wonderfully happy with that person. I brought that up because of the kids issue. You obviviously know Aaron better than I do, but maybe he's looking for something a bit different than what he wanted when you two were together?

[Freckles]

Heather? The original Heather? :D
Anyway, I would believe that more than likely that this is a rebound love for your EX. I am never one to judge love based solely on a number, but there is a significant difference between 20 and 32. I think it really speaks volumes that the two of you share so much after your divorce, and are working on remaining friends to some degree given all that has passed.

So glad that YOUR life is working out to be completely blissful! :D

[houseblend]

I think you are completely right in being concerned. That is a big age difference when you are 20 and 32. I'm 31 myself now and there are very few 20 year olds that I can relate to now, much less on that deep of a level.

However, he did just get out of a serious relationship (marriage! how more serious can you get?), so I have a feeling for him this is more of a way to have fun and not be serious, whether he admits it or not. If he is about to move 3,000 miles away from her, he can't be taking this all too seriously anyway.

As far as she goes, it sounds like she is already hearing about the age difference from her own friends/family. Since she brought it up with you, it's obviously on her mind. He may in fact end up breaking her heart, but that is part of the lessons of love you learn when you are young.

Given your relationship with him, there's not much you can say or do here. If you express any doubts to either of them about the relationship, they'll blow it off as jealousy. It may be tough to watch, but I do think silence is best here.

[jesvet]

I don't blame you for raising your eyebrows. 20 is, well, 20... insecure often in how relationships work, very often jealous of past relationships. Obviously you know your ex very well- how do you feel about it from his perspective? Do you think that is an odd match for him?

[IrishMeg]

Anyway, I would believe that more than likely that this is a rebound love for your EX.

Thats pretty much what I was thinking. I agree that 20-32 seems like a big difference. Maybe not chronologically but emotionally.

Given your relationship with him, there's not much you can say or do here. If you express any doubts to either of them about the relationship, they'll blow it off as jealousy. It may be tough to watch, but I do think silence is best here.

I agree completely with Houseblend.

[LeslieandPaul]

I personally do not think a 20 year old and a 32 year old can have a long term serious relationship. I speak from personal experience. When I was 19 I had a fling with a 32 year old and there's no way it could have developed into something serious. NO WAY! We were at very different places in life and neither one of us would have been prepared for the relationship to go any further.

I don't blame you for raising your eyebrows. 20 is, well, 20... insecure often in how relationships work, very often jealous of past relationships.

This is also true. We weren't in a serious relationship, but I was still jealous and insecure. And I don't blame you, Heather, for being worried about her, especially since he's moving away. She's going to get her heart broken.
That's just my two cents.

[numberlady]

I just wanted to post because when DH and I first starting dating I was 21 and he was 33, a 12-year age difference. We have been together almost 10 years now, so it certainly has worked for us. However DH had never been married and not in too many serious relationships, so our "relationship history" was equivalent if that makes sense. At first it was a big deal to me to be dating such an older guy, but after the first month or so it basically became a non-issue. I think a lot of our ability to make it also has to do with DH's lifestyle at the time I met him too. He was not working a typical 9-5 job and climbing the corporate ladder. He had a good bit of free time during the day, so we could see each between my classes and we could sleep in together, those types of things. I guess in a lot of ways even though our chronologic ages were the different, our emotional and lifestyle ages were about the same.

I does seem like they have more than the age hurdle if your ex is moving far away. I have done the long distance relationship thing too when I was 19-20 and it is not easy. You obviously know him probably better than she does to know if they might be able to work out. I agree with others that this iis probably a rebound or just a way to spend his time before he leaves town.

[HeatherFL]

Yep, 'tis I, :) Heather from WC.

WOW thank you ALL for replying.

First I want to write that not only is he moving 3,000 miles away, she is leaving this fall to Europe for her studies. They plan to keep in touch and go from there...It's odd because that's how we started. We were in a long distance relationship too! Then I moved to be with him, we drove cross country, got married and well you know the rest.

So, to answer some of your questions:

Yes, he was in grad school (graduated in May) and she is an undergrad. She was a big support to him during the separation/divorce and well just like my SO and me-the friendship grew into something more.

Her father definitely does have a problem with the age difference. Her mom did at first, but she's warming up to him.

She is really cute, but not womanly. If that makes sense. I mean I look at her and think young. I don't see her as a "woman".

You know when we separated I read so many books and talked to a lot of people. They told me he was going through an early mid-life crisis. And sometimes I did wonder. I, again, mean no disrespect to her, but I also wonder if this is part of that.

I wish I could explain it. She just seemed soooo ready for the marriage thing. She was so proud of how well she kept the townhouse (LOL MY townhouse.) And from what we've spoken of, he is definitely being careful about the future.

so it certainly has worked for us. However DH had never been married and not in too many serious relationships, so our "relationship history" was equivalent if that makes sense.
This makes a lot of sense to me. See, on many levels they definitely aren't equals here. He has A LOT more history in MANY areas.

how do you feel about it from his perspective? Do you think that is an odd match for him?
It definitely is an odd match for him. I do understand what he tells me. She is goal-oriented, ambitious and a smart girl. She was just sweet. I mean that's the best way I can describe her. In that sort of no one could ever say anything mean about her she is just that sweet. But I saw him with someone who was more womanly than so young.

So anyway, I am going to keep my mouth shut. But I still wonder what in the world he's doing. I almost feel like he's not being fair to her. I don't know if it's that I remember how hurt I was during the beginning of our separation and I don't want to see her go through that (well of course I don't want anyone to be hurt) or if it's that I am looking at him like, "You're crazy..." I don't think I am jealous. I don't feel jealous. I had been so worried about telling him about my relationship because I'd kept it from him for so long that I was relieved everything was out in the open. I actually want him to be happy and to find someone who inspires him to love. If he's found that I am glad for him. But I just don't know that it's with such a young girl.

Thanks again, everyone!

~H.

[bensgirl1222]

My best friend just turned 20...her new bf is almost 30! So I feel your pain. I cant stand him and I dont think they will work out. Although she KNOWS she is going ot marry him. idk what it is...but he gives me the creeps!

[DallasLady]

Hi Heather! Good to see that you made your way over here!

I am someone who married young (I was 21) and married a much older guy (he was 35) but I am not at all naive to the fact that there is a lot if difference between someone in their early 20s and someone in their 30s. I feel the reason DH and I work is because we are very aware of our differences and we work with them instead ogf just trying to say "There is no difference, I am just mature for my age." Now, in our situation neither one of us had beein married before, so it is a little different.

That said, maybe your ex is attracted to her because she is different from you. I hope I am not stepping out of line here (and feel free to tell me if I am) but you seem like a very driven, focused, take charge kind of woman. Maybe he likes having someone young and a bit more starry-eyed. Maybe he likes that she dotes on him and takes care of him (not saying you didn't).

What made em think of this was when my parents got divorced, my dad married someone completely opposite of my mom (my mom is a very outspoken, career driven woman, and my stepmom is a demure housewife).

It's just a thought.

[KKay]

I can understand why you would be concerned. There is a significant age difference between 20 and 32, but several people seem to make that work.

What really stands out to me is that they want different things out of life. She is going to be hurt and disappointed when she finds out he doesn't want kids. She might be head over heels in love by the time "he crosses that bridge".

It really is a testament to your relationship that you can remain friends after a divorce. It's great that you can hold onto all of the good things about each other without resentment.

[gayle]

I agree with Houseblend here:
"However, he did just get out of a serious relationship (marriage! how more serious can you get?), so I have a feeling for him this is more of a way to have fun and not be serious, whether he admits it or not. If he is about to move 3,000 miles away from her, he can't be taking this all too seriously anyway."

I suspect that since he is moving away that this is merely a pleasant diversion for him. I just hope the girl is wise enugh to realize that under the circumstances, that this is most likely all it is.

Hugs to you Heather and I am so glad you joined us over here on the "other" side :)

Hugs,
Gayle

[julietchicago]

I'm sure it is difficult to see your ex w/ his new girlfriend. It is a significant age difference, but you should respect his new relationship and don't get involved, and hopefully he will do the same for you.

Even if she wasn't 20, chances are you would have posted something else about whoever she might have been. I know I would have.

[justHB]

I think regardless of whether or not you are still friendly, he is your EX-husband and it shouldn't be of concern to you, especially since your own new relationship has quite the age gap itself. Can you imagine trying to tell Aaron what you think of his new relationship while he could turn around and say the same thing to you? You don't want to put yourself in that position, regardless of what your defense of your relationship would be.

FWIW, my sister's husband is 10 years older than her and it's fine.

[kari]

I am glad you posted this. I remember you from the WC and 'thought' I saw a couple of posts there before the "big move to CC" from you and you were talking about your boyfriend and I am thinking "boyfriend??" "what boyfriend, what about her DH Aaron??" Now I know for sure it was you, Heather. You probably already talked about this, but I missed it, and you might not want to talk about it, but what happened? I always thought you guys were soooo great together.

(I really hope I am not upsetting you and will understand if you don't want to)

[ManteoChik]

Hey Heather. I posted a little bit in your WC journal. I just thought I'd post an answer. I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 23, we've been together for almost 6 years. Most of my friends are older and most of them are in there late 20's and early 30's, however, I know I could not have a relationship with someone that much older than me. While I feel like one of the people who is able to have serious relationships and friendships at such a young age, you do have to draw the line somewhere. Most likely she is giving him the comfort and companionship that he's looking for. Honestly, I don't think this thing will last. She will get bored with the fact that they don't have a lot in commen. Also, if she is wanting children someday and he doesn't that will most likely cause a rift in the relationship. I know as a woman who is very serious about wanting kids someday being with a man who didn't would be a deal-breaker. Everyone has their own different path in life and I'm sure she'll find the right one and it probably won't involve your ex-husband. :D

[strwbrygirl]

Hi Heather! Glad to see that you made it over here... and that you're doing well. It must be nice to have your new relationship "out in the open" so to speak- especially if you and Aaron are still such good friends. Re: the new gf- I would say that it's always hard to sit by and watch someone that you care about potentially hurt someone else, and I think you're right- this may be his early mid-life crisis. As you've already said, I don't think that I would mention anything to her either... but it doesn't sound like he's all that serious.

~Heather

[HeatherFL]

HI everyone! Oh it is SO NICE to see familiar faces. :) On a completely different topic (hijacking my own thread) I just had dinner with Todd. I usually stay at his place, but sometimes it's good to make him miss me from time to time LOL, so I went home after dinner (we met there because I was at the mall while he was getting his haircut.) So anyway, I am kind of focusing on myself here, but he really does make me happy. It's just one of those things where I can't stop smiling. He pulled up next to me at the light and I lifted my hair up and made this kissing gesture with my lips and the car next to us was wondering what was going on LOL. He called me and was like, "That was cool." I'm a very lucky girl. Don't get me wrong, he can be a handful at times, but I'm lucky he puts up with me LOL.

Okay, so now I am back on topic...

Today Aaron emailed me and told me he was pretty surprised about my relationship and that he appreciated my feedback. I was VERY respectful. I told him that she was bright and beautiful and just so sweet. I told him I just want him to be careful since she has more growing to do as a person. I also emphasized that I know it's none of my business but I just don't want to see anyone hurt. He was totally receptive and understanding. So that was that.

ManteoChik I just wanted to thank you for giving me your perspective. It really means a lot coming from someone who is her age.

justHB I totally get what you are saying. I still think there is a large difference between two people who are 20 and 32 and two people who are 29 and 40. Mind you, it's not my business and I gave my opinion because I was asked. He was always my friend before he was my ex-husband and I think that it's only natural to worry for your friends...

julietchicago (I love Chicago!) See, I want his feedback. As my friend, his opinion matters greatly to me. That's why I told him about my relationship.

Giovanna/Dallas Lady LOL I did the same thing--ended up with someone soooo opposite of Aaron! I completely understand what you mean.

Gayle Thank you. You always have such wonderful insight and wisdom!

Thanks again to EVERYONE for your feedback.

KARI Oh gosh no, you're not upsetting me at all. It's a long story, but to give you a somewhat short version I was traveling like nuts for work. When I was home I wanted Aaron to spend ALL of his time with me. I felt alone and frustrated and resented that he was in grad school (going to class) and I was killing myself in an on-line program. When I was home he was busy studying. So I got vacation (this was July 2004) and he went to Wales/London for school when I finally got vacation. Spouses NOT encouraged. I was sooo livid at him for leaving while I was on vacation. Anyway, while he was in Europe I grew more resentful and he asked to give a girl from his class a ride home from the airport the night he was supposed to get back. I started a fight about how I hadn't seen him for three weeks and I just wanted to see my husband and didn't want to hear about the trip from some stranger. I was out of line. We ended up fighting through email and on the phone once. The night he got back from Wales (August 7th) I wanted to talk things out. He asked for a separation. He said it all just hit him like a ton of bricks that he wasn't happy and he also didn't believe I was truly happy either. It was true. We were doing everything we were "supposed" to do--paying off cars, building houses, making investments, dinner groups with friends, etc. It was like I thought I had this great marriage, but I realize I was striving for this facade instead of really striving for a wonderful relationship. I was devastated. Aaron had his mind made up though. He told me he could be making the worst mistake of his life and that he might regret it, but we needed to separate. As devastated as I was, deep down I knew he was right. I had thought about it in the past. Aaron and I are opposites. And yes, opposites attract. But I think maybe we were just too opposite on some things. After the separation it was hard the first few months, then it was like this freeing feeling. Suddenly I woke up one day and it just didn't hurt anymore.

We filed for divorce in February, mostly because we wanted to make sure all my health insurance was straightened out and because it was easier to sell the big house we built (the second one) if we were still married. We went to court on April 6th, 2005 and sat together. The judge asked if we were pregnant, had any kids, had any assets to divide through the court, if either of us wanted counseling, to verify some stuff like our names, addresses and how long we'd been separated. He then asked if we were sure the marriage was beyond repair. He stamped a piece of paper, said we were now legally divorced and wished us luck.

I know that was long, but there is more to it. We definitely fought during the separation. We held each other and cried, we talked. But somewhere we just grew in different directions.

He said he wanted to be alone and didn't want a relationship. He actually brought this up today. He said he certainly wasn't looking for anything and it just happened-as did my relationship.

So anyway, I know I am rambling on and on. We gave it thought, we knew it was definitely going to be difficult on both of us. But in the end, it was the right thing.

On that note, Todd says he'll express an interest in reconcillation in the future. I think there's a snowball's chance in heck of that ever happening LOL.

It's not like I never get sad or feel the loss. It was almost like going through a death. But I am happy and I feel so ALIVE in my current relationship. It's only been 7 months and we're going slow. I don't know what will happen, but I am just so happy.

Sorry that got so long!

~H.

[kari]

I just came back and read your post. I'm glad you weren't upset and explained what happened. Sorry you had to go through that. I remember all of your traveling (I travel for work also) and I think I remember his trip to Wales. I am very glad that you are happy now and it's great you have remained friends.

As for the original post, there is 12 years difference between my DH and I (he's older) and YES it is hard at times, stuff that when we got married I didn't think would bug me and guess what? they do.

[Secret_Squirrel]

HeatherFL: The gist of your story sounds so much like what I went through! My ex was around the same age when he decided he wasn't happy being married to me any more and wanted to try it on his own. We fought off and on during the process, but have kept things pretty amicable.

He was 31 and started dating a barely-21 year old. She was really very sweet and doted on him, but she wanted children and he had already had a vasectomy. After a year together, they decided the relationship wasn't going to go anywhere and broke up. She was hoping for a future with him, but he never had any intention of that.

I suspected that he was attracted to such a young woman because some girls that age don't know who they are yet or what they want and tend to define themselves by a relationship. So they try to make their man happy without putting demands on him to reciprocate (not sure if that came out right, hope you can figure out what I'm trying to say). Since my ex was going through a self-indulgent pre-midlife crisis, he was really into that.

I also started a relationship soon after our break up with a really wonderful man and we got married last Oct. DH also told me he wouldn't be surprised if my ex wanted a reconsiliation. Too bad for him! I am *much* happier where I am now. :)

I understand you being concerned for the new GF, I had the same kind of feelings. But what can you do about it? Even if you tried to caution her, she would not believe you, and probably think you were just being spiteful and wanting your ex back. If this isn't a good relationship for her to be in, that's a lesson she will have to learn for herself.

Good luck to you!